Latest / The Single Doc Mom Podcast / What to do when you find yourself in the "bad" side of the 50:50 of life

Transcript

What to do when you find yourself in the "bad" side of the 50:50 of life · The Single Doc Mom Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Single Doc Mom Podcast, where we explore mindset strategies to help you stop enduring and start enjoying life.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: My name is Amanda Queen.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm an adult endocrinologist, certified life coach, and your host.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: This podcast is completely separate from my medical practice.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: It is for sharing my personal experiences as a single doc mom.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: And though I am a doctor, I am not your doctor.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: This is not a substitute for professional care, diagnosis, or treatment.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, beautiful ladies.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: I hope everyone had a really great week.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Last week we talked about the tool, the 50-50 tool, as it applies to our life.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I like to call it our Newton's third law of equal and opposite forces as it applies to the human experience.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: And as I was writing that and doing it, I realized that I really want to talk about it as a tool and making sure that we're not using it as a weapon.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's really easy as we learn all these new things and as we go and as we know them to think, oh, I should be doing better.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: I shouldn't have done that, all the shoulds of life that are just not helpful.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I want us to see these as tools.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: They are tools to help us, not weapons that we use against ourselves for judgment or shame.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: So when I'm realizing I'm in the 50-50, I am trying not to judge.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: It helps me to just step back for a second.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: I sometimes like to take a few breaths when I realize this.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like, and it's something that I can do in any situation.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: Even when I'm with patients, I can just take a little bit deeper breath.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: Try not to sigh, as my son says, is like the worst thing ever that I do.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: I try to remind him that it's just a form of breathing that is annoying him so much.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: However, it's a problem for him.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, so I take a few breaths.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I'll do a deep breath a few times.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I will do what's called a four by four breathing.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: And apparently it's what snipers use.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's like what people use to calm themselves down, intense full intense situations, which is inhale to account of four, hold it for account of four, exhale for a count of four, hold for account of four.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I might repeat that through a few cycles just to kind of bring my brain back online, which I kind of see as like it's it's me floating in the river with a life jacket versus actually in the boat.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like I can steer things, I can maneuver, I can actually not feel like I'm just getting like knocked around and reacting all the time, but that I can actually choose a path and move forward a little bit better.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's basically moving from my lower brain amygdala functioning and in control to my higher brain cerebral cortex being in control.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: When I'm back online, I'm better able to see that I actually have options.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: So last week I gave the example of, you know, I had a moment of like, okay, so next time, how can I do this better?
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: It may not be need to be that you do anything better.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: You may have done everything great.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: There may not be anything else.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: It may just be that we need to move, like to feel what we're feeling, accept it, release it, let it go, process, just be with it for a few minutes and not judge ourselves while we're in it.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: It may be that we just don't want to engage, you know, the next time the bait is thrown.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: We can see that line of bait being cast into the water and then just be a little fish that swims right by it.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: And we're not going to be the one that takes the bait this time or next time.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: It may be that I want to set a boundary sooner or any boundary at all.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: I may realize, you know, a lot of times someone pointed out to me a while ago that when I'm getting angry about something, it's usually because there's a boundary that hasn't been set or boundary that's being crossed that we haven't set yet.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: And so sometimes that helps me to look to like, okay, what happened?
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: Where is my where is there a boundary that's been crossed?
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: And what is that boundary?
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: Do I need to set it?
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: What needs to happen?
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: What do I want to do about that?
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of times for me, what happens is that I realize I need to pause before speaking and not be defensive because that's kind of a go-to for me.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: But throughout all of this, it's really just about using this as a tool.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: Like it is a tool to help me.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: And in this process, I want us all to be super kind to ourselves.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: One thing I talk to patients about a lot, because I'll hear them say things like, you know, like they self-care went to the wayside while XYZ was happening.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, sometimes it's like terrible tragedies, like they're lost, they had multiple family deaths, or they had all of these things, and they're like, Well, I should have done better.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I think, you know, or there's some dealing with cancer, either in themselves or on a loved one.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I tell them, I'm like, okay, if this were your best friend going through the exact same thing that you're going through, how would you talk to her?
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: And that answer is always, oh, yeah, I'd never say that to her.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: So let's not say that to ourselves.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: You know, the crazy part about it is when I think about sometimes when the things I say to myself and the judgment that I give myself, you know, I think about it sometimes and I use these examples of like, would you say that to your daughter?
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Would you say that to your best friend?
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: Would you say that to a dear loved one?
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: But I think, would I say that to someone that I don't even like?
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: And the answer is usually no.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm just gonna keep that to myself.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna say it.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: But yet I say it to myself all the time.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: So definitely do not do that to yourself.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: When you catch yourself doing it, just stop yourself and lovingly please redirect yourself.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: So next week we are going to talk about brain hacks and some of this, like talking to yourself and how there's like little things that we can do to kind of flip the switch and get us to a better spot.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and most of the time with coaching, there's not like some quick answer.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's usually a process, but there are some things where we can hack the system a little bit and get ourselves to a little bit better spot a little bit faster.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: We will review that next or talk about that next week.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: The story I'm gonna leave you with today is maybe one of my best slash worst mother of the year moments.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: This was, I don't know, a year or two ago.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: I had just gotten a new car.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: I was taking it in to the dealer because I you got free oil changes.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: And it wasn't really close to my house, but it was free.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I like planned to get a little bit of work done and I got there early and I made my appointment.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: I got there early for the appointment.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: I had plenty of time, like hours, so that I could get back to my son's school and meet with our local Cincinnati Children's Hospital has like psychologists and licensed clinical social workers embedded within our school system in each of the schools.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: So when our kids are on flex periods, they can go there for counseling and bills and insurance.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's really fabulous.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: So my son was getting my son was seeing them.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: It was a new counselor to me.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I was, um, I had a meeting with her at school, but I'd made this appointment in plenty of time, like hours beforehand.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: They took forever at the dealer.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm going to them, like, hey, is there anything I need to pay for?
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Can I pay for that now and check out now and get everything now?
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because I have an appointment at my son's school and I really need to get there.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I just like to make sure I don't, you know, I know things are running a little bit behind, and I'm I'm trying to be nice, I'm trying to be respectful.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: And they just were not hopeful at all.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: And then it became clear that I was going to miss the appointment, and I'm trying to reschedule it and call the school.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: And it, I just ran into a series of issues there as well.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: I finally get through to the counselor.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: These people, I mean, it's like, I mean, I think I was there for three hours that morning.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm walking out to my car and I'm finally getting through to the counselor.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm making the appointment on how we're going to reschedule this.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: And we're just about to confirm the appointment.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: And my car pulls up and I lose my phone call.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: And the people have just been so completely not helpful the entire time.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: I get in my car, I slam the car door shut, and I immediately just start like hitting the steering wheel and saying, I'm so effing mad, except I didn't say effing.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and I'm slamming a car wheel, my hands against the car wheels, the steering wheel, and I look up, an Apple CarPlay is on, and I'm still on the phone call.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't lose the phone call, it just transitioned over to my phone in the car.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: I had this moment of like, oh my God.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: So then I'm like, oh my God, I'm so sorry.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so sorry.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I backtrack.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: I, you know, I try to go through it and she's like, oh no, I didn't really hear anything.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: Uh-huh.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: So the ironic part about all of this is not only that I just do like act like a complete child, but what I wanted to talk to her about was I was concerned about my son's anger management.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I was totally going to blame it on his dad.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like 127% was going to not be the person responsible for it.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: And then I did that.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, huh, okay, well, that was my uh maybe one of my best mother of the year nominee moments.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: So I hope you guys enjoyed that.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: I have gotten a lot of laughs out of that one over the year or year and a half, two years since that happened.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: I actually did have to go back into that school and do something.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I mentioned something to the front desk person.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, oh, she goes, she oh, she had me wait for something.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, oh, is it okay if you wait?
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, oh, it's totally fine.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: I said, last time she had to wait on me, so this is much better.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, you probably heard about that.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: She was like, no, no.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: And then I like started to talk about it.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: And she's like, oh, yes, yes, we did.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: We we heard about that.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: And she just smiled.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, you'd be surprised.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: We hear everything.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't remember it all, but yes, that was a good one.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: Mortified.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, I will see you guys next week.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you have a really fantastic week.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Take care.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: If you've liked this podcast, please follow and leave us a five star review so that others may find us.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, though you may be single, you are not alone.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'll see you next week.