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What in the Boundary? · Don't Quote Me....

• Tori: Before we jump in, just a quick reminder, Well Don't Quote Me is a space for education, reflection, and honest conversations about mental health and life experiences. This podcast is not therapy and it is not a replacement for mental health treatment. The thoughts and information shared here are for educational purposes only. If you are looking for support, consider connecting with a licensed mental health professional at this time. Okay, so welcome to the very first episode of Well, don't quote me. I am so excited that you guys are here. This podcast is a place where we're going to have honest conversations about mental health, parenthood, relationships, and all the messy parts of being a human. So for this first episode, I wanted to start with something that comes up constantly, not just in therapy rooms, but in our everyday lives. And hopefully you guys guessed it. boundaries. Yes. So boundaries are one of those words that Everyone has heard. A lot of people aren't exactly sure what they mean. Some people hear boundaries and think, that's very selfish. Others hear boundaries and think that means cutting people off. Both are very true. however, boundaries are actually about creating that healthier relationship and learning how to take care of yourself while also caring and providing for others. So let us dive in with the definition here first. So what are boundaries? According to me, or just overall general understanding of boundaries, they are limits and guidelines that set we set around ourselves, our time, our energy, emotions, physical space, and relationships. And I also like to add in their finances. they communicate what we are comfortable with and what we're not comfortable with, and what we need in order to have healthier interactions with others. So hopefully that gives you a gist of what boundaries are. Here's some examples as well. We could be in the middle of a conversation and somebody brings something up and you can just be like, I'm not comfortable discussing that topic right now. Or I can't I can help you, but I can't take responsibility for fixing things for you. I need some time to think before I answer. And I am able available to talk, but not when you were yelling at each other. So it's kind of creating that mutual respect for your yourself and the person that you're engaging with. Now, therapeutic perspective of this. The one thing that often that I often think about is when people think that boundaries are walls. And I say this because walls keep everybody out, right? That makes sure that nobody comes in, destroys our peace, and we don't ever want to tear them down. That's not necessarily true when it comes to boundaries. Boundaries are more so like doors. Like we allow connection, but we also are allowing ourselves to decide what we're going to let into our space. Therefore, with that being said, boundaries are not, and this is where a lot of confusion comes in. Again, I'm gonna say this. They are not, I'm gonna make you suffer because you hurt me. That is simply a retaliation. I good example of that is like you just hurt me, so I'm never gonna speak to you again. Or even I've seen also like people, well, she cheated on me, so I gotta cheat on her and then I'm gonna cut her off. Or something like that, like trying to break that even. which that's not even a boundary, but I've heard that before, which was very, very interesting. But things like that, that's simply not what it is. A healthy boundary would be like, I'm going to take some space because the conversation isn't healthy for me right now. So allowing yourself to know that you can remove yourself from something that's uncomfortable. So you're able to gather your thoughts, come back and connect with that person. My favorite thing too is like. when I am speaking to a client and I'm just like, Yeah, so boundary is simply no. That's creating a boundary. And they're like, Yeah, but no, I need to. So I would just go back or here's a better one. I would go back and be like, Okay, so no, I can't do that because X, Y, and Z. No, that's not creating a boundary. When you put because or but after something, that simply means that you are not going to roll with the no. So basically you're just dismissing the no. Like I'm giving you an opportunity to be like, well, you don't have to do it right now. You can just do it later. If I were to say no because I have something to do at six. well I don't need it done. I need it done tomorrow anyway. So you can just pull by. You're allowing that person to still have an opportunity to hop in and break that boundary that you're trying to establish. That's why I'm always just like no is an answer sentence song, dance, praise, whatever you want it to be, that's simply what it is when it comes to setting boundaries. If there's something that you do not want to do, nor do you feel comfortable and you feel like it will disturb your peace, no, that's all it is. Another thing that I saw that was interesting was people assuming that when you create boundaries, you're wanting to control somebody else. We cannot set boundaries that require someone else to change. We can only communicate what we will do. For an individual, or what we will allow somebody to do to us. So telling somebody, hmm. Maybe trying to have a conversation about somebody's emotions or getting into an argument with your friend or something and you're just like going back and forth and you tell them you're not allowed to talk about that or you're not allowed to say that you're sad or something like that. That is being very dismissive and actually showing some control, you trying to control the situation at hand when you can't control when somebody has emotions and how they're gonna react to them. You can only control what you're gonna do in that moment. So the perfect way to set a boundary would be like, if this topic comes up again, I'm going to step away from this conversation. You control yourself. I feel like boundaries are always misconscrewed as like, well, they're for everybody else. I always am like, no boundaries are for yourself. Boundaries, you create them for yourself. Yes, you can make it for somebody. But it's for you. Like you are the person that's gonna hold that boundary strong. You're gonna be the person that allows somebody to punch through that boundary. You are the one that's in charge when it comes to your boundaries. And they're allowed to change. You're allowed to allow something for some reason, or you're allowed to be like, actually, no, I didn't like that, and stop it right then and there. There is no rigid formula for boundaries. They're very flexible, they're very Accommodating to you and the person that you are in that moment, that day, that year, that lifetime, whatever it is. My favorite one. is people feel selfish when they say no, which I kind of touched on a minute ago of like you feel so guilty and you feel so bad for creating a boundary that it's hard for you to do because you don't want to hurt that other person's feelings and you don't want to come off selfish, which I feel like people have put so much not even yeah, people, society has put so much negativity when it comes to being a selfish person and you're not allowed to be selfish and you're not allowed to do all these certain things. And that's just simply not it when it comes to boundaries. A lot of people, especially those who are caregivers, parents, or even a people pleaser, struggle with boundaries because they feel guilty. But you have to know taking care of yourself does not mean that you don't care about others. Actually, healthy boundaries often allow us to show up even better when we're not constantly overwhelmed, resentful, or even burnt out. It is okay to take care of yourself. My favorite, favorite quote. They say it all the time. If you are on a plane, you got to put your oxygen mask on before you can put somebody else's on. You have to be selfish to survive to help those others that you're wanting to help. You drain yourself by breaking all of your bound your boundaries. You're not going to have anything for those people. And it sure as heck means that they're not giving you anything as well. Which also goes into like why creating boundaries are so hard. This all kind of flows together. But like many of us are taught that being a good person means to always be available for somebody, always saying yes and always putting others first. But if your kindness requires you to be constantly feel constantly abandon yourself, then that's something worth exploring. If you are always that person that's like, I don't know who I am anymore, I don't really know what's going on, I don't have any interest, or work home, sleep, work home, sleep kids, work. all that little pattern nonstop and you're just looking in the mirror every day and you're just like, Who am I? That is when you need to start putting some boundaries up. And that is when you need to, dare I say it, become selfish. Being selfish is not wrong. And I might even khaki people, but it's amazing to be selfish. It is fulfilling to be selfish. It feels so good. Those little self-care things that everybody's always talking about, that is what comes with scratch that. That what came out awkward. Creating boundaries is part of your self care. Most of the time people are like, self care, let me go get my nails done. Go get some food with the girls. Go take a bubble bath, what else? A spa day, all of those those types of things. Yes, all of those are self-care. However, self-care also extends to doing things that you genuinely and authentically enjoy. for example, my self-care is attending to my plants. Love my plants, reading a book, something that I am pouring my all into in that moment is what self-care is. It's helping give back to your own soul so that you can give to others over and over again, as you are. So that is why we need to create boundaries because you need to be able to do your self-care. Hopefully that made sense. It sounded great in my head. If it didn't, let me know. But yeah. And then we can get the confusion of guilt with doing something wrong when it comes to creating these boundaries. And this is a major one. Sometimes setting boundaries feels uncomfortable. And we interpret that discomfort as I am doing something competi completely wrong. However, my favorite thing is to say is that when it's discomfortable, discomfortable. That's not even a word. They should make it one. When you are uncomfortable when you're making a boundary, that means that it needs to be there. And when you get retaliation from those individuals that you're creating that boundary with, that means that they never respected your boundaries or they never respected you in that manner. Because somebody who genuinely loves and cares about you and you create a boundary are going to be like, okay, cool. I understand that. I respect that. Because you're not going to be the first nor the last person they're going to ask for something from. Always know that as well. In discomfort And being uncomfortable just means that we're doing something new. And we have to do that. another one which I can relate to while I was kind of growing up or yeah, when I was a baby therapist, I could say too, is conflict. Avoiding creating boundaries because we don't want any problems with nobody else. We don't want to cause no issues, we don't want to piss anybody off. However, someone being unhappy with your boundary again does not automatically mean that your boundary is unhealthy. Like I literally just said. It means that that person never respected you. That's my opinion and my view of it all. Because if somebody actually loves you and cares about you, they will respect your boundaries and actually be able to tell that you creating these boundaries is allowing you to become a healthier version of yourself. So let us kind of look into like what boundaries actually look like in real life. and we can use some family examples. So let's see. So like a family example of a boundary. I love my family, but I don't have to participate in conversations that are harmful or disrespectful to me. So Your boundary could be I'm not going to discuss my personal decisions if the conversation becomes critical. Right? Or even establishing like hey, the things that you guys say and the things that you guys talk about Are not aligned with who I am and not what I respect and deserve. So kind of like letting them learn how to talk to you, if it is something that's important, because I know sometimes personal decisions, you do need your family's input, right? Especially if you're married or anything like that, you have to ask your spouse. So more so like putting an understanding of like this is where I'm coming from, and this is the way that. I would like to navigate this. Are you okay with navigating it that way? Coming to that middle common ground because you also want to know what their boundaries are when it comes to those conversations as well. Okay. Another one I have involves friendship. So this is my favorite. Care about your friends, but you can't always be the person everyone calls when they're struggling. Perfect boundary. And the most difficult one, I feel like, besides family. I want to support you, but I also need space for myself. So if you're always that person that somebody calls and it's just a one-sided conversation and their life seems to fall apart every waking moment, there is never a positive moment. This would probably be the best boundary for you because you are being the therapist, should I say, and you're taking the burden of your friend and you are usually in that headspace of like, okay, well, I need to be the fixer or I need to be the person that helps you in all at all times. And that's simply not what it is. Your friends need to learn to navigate their own lives and you are just a support when you can. So if you need space for yourself in those types of moments, just know that it is okay too. It is okay to do so if you need that permission. I am granting it. Okay. So being a parent, right? This is a big one because as a mom, you can struggle with feeling like everyone needs something from you. Like I know for myself, I'm never wanting to sit down. If I sit down for too long or if I take too long of a nap, I feel so guilty. And I'm like, somebody needs me, somebody I should be doing something. I shouldn't be looking like I'm just being lazy. I should be cleaning the house. I should be Moving around, I should be navigating this, navigating that, putting everybody in sports, making sure that all the kids aren't bored all the time. However, I just learned not too long ago that being, well, first of all, being like relaxed and lazy, quote unquote, is actually healthy for your kids to show them that it's okay to have a moment of rest and not to not do things. Like that's actually a good thing. But also, my boundaries can be like not over explaining every decision I make because you know kids love to ask questions. And sometimes there is no answer. We're just gonna do it because it's a decision that I'm making, and that is what's gonna happen in this moment. And then also learning to navigate your emotions and teaching your kids that emotions are okay, but disrespect is not. I feel like That is something that is huge in this day and age. And you guys can let me know if I am right or wrong. But this gentle parenting that is going on is beyond me at all in all types of ways. I feel like there's no boundaries being established. Like, yes, I do want my kids to have emotions and I do want them to express themselves. However, your actions do not need to match the emotion that you're having. Because you're angry, there is no need to punch holes in my walls. Not saying that happens. However, if it does, that is something that needs to be addressed. So I feel like I'm always going off the edge. But that is that's the gist and being able to create those boundaries. And you have to be able to establish, like, you need to protect your personal time. So you're not a bad parent. You're just feeding into yourself and making sure that you're good so that you can always show up as that perfect parent. Wow. I'm learning that I'm just always going off the rail no matter what I do. Going to boundaries, then we jump into something else like nothing else is going on here. let me bounce back a little bit. My another favorite one is work boundaries. I feel like people are always stuck with like, I can't do this because I'll lose my job. I can't do that because I'll lose my job. or being that top tier client that not top tier client, sorry, that top tier Professional. I feel like business people have this really bad. but also like I remember being in a server and I had this bad too of like, I'll take that table. Yeah, no problem. I'll do that, I'll do that, I'll do that. And I would have dreams of me forgetting to give people ranch. That was not okay. So creating boundaries when it comes to work with like not answering messages at all hours. Baby, you clock out at five, so does that email and so does that phone number for anybody else that's still in that office or is requiring office duties. Knowing your limits, knowing what is under your expectational expectations as your job and not pack crossing it. I mean, if you need to help Barbara one day and you feel like you have the capacity to do so, by all means do that. But when you are just saying yes to every other project because somebody else doesn't want to finish it. Now you need to create a boundary and you need to learn to say no when your plate is already full and you're not getting paid for it, which is the main thing. If you're not getting paid for this extracurricular activities, say that jokingly, then we don't need to be working over time. So those are just some ideas of like what boundaries can look like in different scenarios and perspectives of our lives. And if you guys have any comments or concerns. I would love to hear them or wanting to add on. Please be my guest and send them my way. I would love to hear them. and so with that being said, I want to dive in like, okay, Tori, sounds great. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. How do we start setting them? How can we get there to actually establish them? You need to first identify where resentment might show up. Resentment, anger, frustration, overwhelmingness. You need to figure out where those things pop up in your life. a good example could be we could go back to the friend example, that one friend that just calls and you're dreading answering the phone and you're watching in the phone ring constantly, constantly. You that wouldn't be a perfect time. Are you feeling drained? Are you feeling like you say yes when in reality you actually want to tell this person no. And do you feel responsible for that person's emotions? And if you do, then there's a boundary that may need to be established there. Second. You need to clear get clear on what your needs are. Instead of like saying I don't want to do this anymore, you could be like, I need more balance, I need more communication to feel more respect respectful. I need to feel more respectful. I need to feel respected. And I need time to recharge. I need a moment to myself, and I need to be okay with that. Thirdly, communication is always key, especially when it comes to boundaries. You need to communicate them very clearly. I boundary does not need to have a long explanation. Remember when I was just like, people are like, no, but da da da. There is no reason to explain yourself as to why you're establishing this emotion. I mean, not this emotion, sorry, this e boundary. So you could say, I am not able to do that. However, I appreciate you thinking of me. I understand you feel differently. However, this is what I am needing in this moment. Usually people would throw in the butts there. We're not doing that. We're gonna use however or and and this is what I'm needing. Validate their feelings and also understand like you need to be respected in this moment too. So with that being said, I am a reader and I love, love, love, love, love, love, love to read. So I just want to provide some little resources for you guys that love to read. If you don't, they should be available on a Kindle, a read-along, or something in that manner. I know Amazon has them because Amazon is also my best friend. but I do have two simple books. One of them is Boundaries, and it is by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. And this ba this perspective is more so involving like biblical linings of trying to think of an example that I've read within this book. most of the time as a religious person, we are they are we're known to be like, or sorry, not we, but there is a justification of like, well just turn the other cheek or do this or do that. And this book with boundaries helps you be like, yeah, you do have two cheeks. And it's only to this extent. So it has the Bible verses in there to help break down what it looks like within the boundary world. and then another one that I loved and still kind of refer to and read myself is Set Boundaries, Find Peace. It's a guide to reclaiming yourself by Nidra Glover. Love that book. I feel like it's something that can help you look at even your attachment styles, if you know what those are. And it can tell you and show you basically how to navigate boundaries when it comes to those as well. And then I also this one isn't really like how to create boundaries, but I feel like it gave a sense of like relief of being like it's okay to let the past go to start working on yourself, which is where boundaries come in. and it is called adult children of emotionally immature parents. So how to heal from, distant, rejecting, or self-involved parents. basically and it's by Dr. Gibson, Lindsay Gibson, I'm sorry, but it's basically like helping us as adult adults now. I mean I don't know how old most of you guys are that are listening, but like if you ever suffered from that parent who was not emotionally mature or available for you, therefore you have these people pleaser tendencies, or you have this I'm gonna put this wall up and not let nobody in whatsoever tendencies. This book will help you get a better understanding of it knowing that it is not your fault that that is why you are the way that you are, and you have the power to change it. so I just feel like that is a good guide into accepting and being okay to be like, okay, well, I do deserve to have boundaries and I do deserve to let these walls down. I do deserve to create this gate around my house. Of what I am and am not gonna let in instead of having brick stone walls. yeah. And then if anybody else that's listening has any comments or even book recommendations or anything like that, would love to hear that. I would love to throw that into my library that I have over here. however, thank you guys for listening and tuning into my first little episode of Don't Quote Me. So I just want to leave you guys with this question. What boundary do you need? Or do you know that you need, but you have been avoiding because you're worried about someone else's reaction to it? Remember, boundaries are not about building walls. They're about creating healthier ways to connect. And thank you guys again for joining me. And I will see you guys next week. Which also goes into like why creating boundaries are so hard. This all kind of flows together. But like many of us are taught that being a good person means to always be available for somebody, always saying yes and always putting others first. But if your kindness requires you to be constantly feel constantly abandon yourself, then that's something worth exploring. If you are always that person that's like, I don't know who I am anymore, I don't really know what's going on, I don't have any interest, or work home, sleep, work home, sleep kids, work. all that little pattern nonstop and you're just looking in the mirror every day and you're just like, Who am I? That is when you need to start putting some boundaries up. And that is when you need to, dare I say it, become selfish. Being selfish is not wrong. And I might even khaki people, but it's amazing to be selfish. It is fulfilling to be selfish. It feels so good. Those little self-care things that everybody's always talking about, that is what comes with scratch that. That what came out awkward. Creating boundaries is part of your self care. Most of the time people are like, self care, let me go get my nails done. Go get some food with the girls. Go take a bubble bath, what else? A spa day, all of those those types of things. Yes, all of those are self-care. However, self-care also extends to doing things that you genuinely and authentically enjoy. for example, my self-care is attending to my plants. Love my plants, reading a book, something that I am pouring my all into in that moment is what self-care is. It's helping give back to your own soul so that you can give to others over and over again, as you are. So that is why we need to create boundaries because you need to be able to do your self-care. Hopefully that made sense. It sounded great in my head. If it didn't, let me know. But yeah. And then we can get the confusion of guilt with doing something wrong when it comes to creating these boundaries. And this is a major one. Sometimes setting boundaries feels uncomfortable. And we interpret that discomfort as I am doing something competi completely wrong. However, my favorite thing is to say is that when it's discomfortable, discomfortable. That's not even a word. They should make it one. When you are uncomfortable when you're making a boundary, that means that it needs to be there. And when you get retaliation from those individuals that you're creating that boundary with, that means that they never respected your boundaries or they never respected you in that manner. Because somebody who genuinely loves and cares about you and you create a boundary are going to be like, okay, cool. I understand that. I respect that. Because you're not going to be the first nor the last person they're going to ask for something from. Always know that as well. In discomfort And being uncomfortable just means that we're doing something new. And we have to do that. another one which I can relate to while I was kind of growing up or yeah, when I was a baby therapist, I could say too, is conflict. Avoiding creating boundaries because we don't want any problems with nobody else. We don't want to cause no issues, we don't want to piss anybody off. However, someone being unhappy with your boundary again does not automatically mean that your boundary is unhealthy. Like I literally just said. It means that that person never respected you. That's my opinion and my view of it all. Because if somebody actually loves you and cares about you, they will respect your boundaries and actually be able to tell that you creating these boundaries is allowing you to become a healthier version of yourself. So let us kind of look into like what boundaries actually look like in real life. and we can use some family examples. So let's see. So like a family example of a boundary. I love my family, but I don't have to participate in conversations that are harmful or disrespectful to me. So Your boundary could be I'm not going to discuss my personal decisions if the conversation becomes critical. Right? Or even establishing like hey, the things that you guys say and the things that you guys talk about Are not aligned with who I am and not what I respect and deserve. So kind of like letting them learn how to talk to you, if it is something that's important, because I know sometimes personal decisions, you do need your family's input, right? Especially if you're married or anything like that, you have to ask your spouse. So more so like putting an understanding of like this is where I'm coming from, and this is the way that. I would like to navigate this. Are you okay with navigating it that way? Coming to that middle common ground because you also want to know what their boundaries are when it comes to those conversations as well. Okay. Another one I have involves friendship. So this is my favorite. Care about your friends, but you can't always be the person everyone calls when they're struggling. Perfect boundary. And the most difficult one, I feel like, besides family. I want to support you, but I also need space for myself. So if you're always that person that somebody calls and it's just a one-sided conversation and their life seems to fall apart every waking moment, there is never a positive moment. This would probably be the best boundary for you because you are being the therapist, should I say, and you're taking the burden of your friend and you are usually in that headspace of like, okay, well, I need to be the fixer or I need to be the person that helps you in all at all times. And that's simply not what it is. Your friends need to learn to navigate their own lives and you are just a support when you can. So if you need space for yourself in those types of moments, just know that it is okay too. It is okay to do so if you need that permission. I am granting it. Okay. So being a parent, right? This is a big one because as a mom, you can struggle with feeling like everyone needs something from you. Like I know for myself, I'm never wanting to sit down. If I sit down for too long or if I take too long of a nap, I feel so guilty. And I'm like, somebody needs me, somebody I should be doing something. I shouldn't be looking like I'm just being lazy. I should be cleaning the house. I should be Moving around, I should be navigating this, navigating that, putting everybody in sports, making sure that all the kids aren't bored all the time. However, I just learned not too long ago that being, well, first of all, being like relaxed and lazy, quote unquote, is actually healthy for your kids to show them that it's okay to have a moment of rest and not to not do things. Like that's actually a good thing. But also, my boundaries can be like not over explaining every decision I make because you know kids love to ask questions. And sometimes there is no answer. We're just gonna do it because it's a decision that I'm making, and that is what's gonna happen in this moment. And then also learning to navigate your emotions and teaching your kids that emotions are okay, but disrespect is not. I feel like That is something that is huge in this day and age. And you guys can let me know if I am right or wrong. But this gentle parenting that is going on is beyond me at all in all types of ways. I feel like there's no boundaries being established. Like, yes, I do want my kids to have emotions and I do want them to express themselves. However, your actions do not need to match the emotion that you're having. Because you're angry, there is no need to punch holes in my walls. Not saying that happens. However, if it does, that is something that needs to be addressed. So I feel like I'm always going off the edge. But that is that's the gist and being able to create those boundaries. And you have to be able to establish, like, you need to protect your personal time. So you're not a bad parent. You're just feeding into yourself and making sure that you're good so that you can always show up as that perfect parent. Wow. I'm learning that I'm just always going off the rail no matter what I do. Going to boundaries, then we jump into something else like nothing else is going on here. let me bounce back a little bit. My another favorite one is work boundaries. I feel like people are always stuck with like, I can't do this because I'll lose my job. I can't do that because I'll lose my job. or being that top tier client that not top tier client, sorry, that top tier Professional. I feel like business people have this really bad. but also like I remember being in a server and I had this bad too of like, I'll take that table. Yeah, no problem. I'll do that, I'll do that, I'll do that. And I would have dreams of me forgetting to give people ranch. That was not okay. So creating boundaries when it comes to work with like not answering messages at all hours. Baby, you clock out at five, so does that email and so does that phone number for anybody else that's still in that office or is requiring office duties. Knowing your limits, knowing what is under your expectational expectations as your job and not pack crossing it. I mean, if you need to help Barbara one day and you feel like you have the capacity to do so, by all means do that. But when you are just saying yes to every other project because somebody else doesn't want to finish it. Now you need to create a boundary and you need to learn to say no when your plate is already full and you're not getting paid for it, which is the main thing. If you're not getting paid for this extracurricular activities, say that jokingly, then we don't need to be working over time. So those are just some ideas of like what boundaries can look like in different scenarios and perspectives of our lives. And if you guys have any comments or concerns. I would love to hear them or wanting to add on. Please be my guest and send them my way. I would love to hear them. and so with that being said, I want to dive in like, okay, Tori, sounds great. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. How do we start setting them? How can we get there to actually establish them? You need to first identify where resentment might show up. Resentment, anger, frustration, overwhelmingness. You need to figure out where those things pop up in your life. a good example could be we could go back to the friend example, that one friend that just calls and you're dreading answering the phone and you're watching in the phone ring constantly, constantly. You that wouldn't be a perfect time. Are you feeling drained? Are you feeling like you say yes when in reality you actually want to tell this person no. And do you feel responsible for that person's emotions? And if you do, then there's a boundary that may need to be established there. Second. You need to clear get clear on what your needs are. Instead of like saying I don't want to do this anymore, you could be like, I need more balance, I need more communication to feel more respect respectful. I need to feel more respectful. I need to feel respected. And I need time to recharge. I need a moment to myself, and I need to be okay with that. Thirdly, communication is always key, especially when it comes to boundaries. You need to communicate them very clearly. I boundary does not need to have a long explanation. Remember when I was just like, people are like, no, but da da da. There is no reason to explain yourself as to why you're establishing this emotion. I mean, not this emotion, sorry, this e boundary. So you could say, I am not able to do that. However, I appreciate you thinking of me. I understand you feel differently. However, this is what I am needing in this moment. Usually people would throw in the butts there. We're not doing that. We're gonna use however or and and this is what I'm needing. Validate their feelings and also understand like you need to be respected in this moment too. So with that being said, I am a reader and I love, love, love, love, love, love, love to read. So I just want to provide some little resources for you guys that love to read. If you don't, they should be available on a Kindle, a read-along, or something in that manner. I know Amazon has them because Amazon is also my best friend. but I do have two simple books. One of them is Boundaries, and it is by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. And this ba this perspective is more so involving like biblical linings of trying to think of an example that I've read within this book. most of the time as a religious person, we are they are we're known to be like, or sorry, not we, but there is a justification of like, well just turn the other cheek or do this or do that. And this book with boundaries helps you be like, yeah, you do have two cheeks. And it's only to this extent. So it has the Bible verses in there to help break down what it looks like within the boundary world. and then another one that I loved and still kind of refer to and read myself is Set Boundaries, Find Peace. It's a guide to reclaiming yourself by Nidra Glover. Love that book. I feel like it's something that can help you look at even your attachment styles, if you know what those are. And it can tell you and show you basically how to navigate boundaries when it comes to those as well. And then I also this one isn't really like how to create boundaries, but I feel like it gave a sense of like relief of being like it's okay to let the past go to start working on yourself, which is where boundaries come in. and it is called adult children of emotionally immature parents. So how to heal from, distant, rejecting, or self-involved parents. basically and it's by Dr. Gibson, Lindsay Gibson, I'm sorry, but it's basically like helping us as adult adults now. I mean I don't know how old most of you guys are that are listening, but like if you ever suffered from that parent who was not emotionally mature or available for you, therefore you have these people pleaser tendencies, or you have this I'm gonna put this wall up and not let nobody in whatsoever tendencies. This book will help you get a better understanding of it knowing that it is not your fault that that is why you are the way that you are, and you have the power to change it. so I just feel like that is a good guide into accepting and being okay to be like, okay, well, I do deserve to have boundaries and I do deserve to let these walls down. I do deserve to create this gate around my house. Of what I am and am not gonna let in instead of having brick stone walls. yeah. And then if anybody else that's listening has any comments or even book recommendations or anything like that, would love to hear that. I would love to throw that into my library that I have over here. however, thank you guys for listening and tuning into my first little episode of Don't Quote Me. So I just want to leave you guys with this question. What boundary do you need? Or do you know that you need, but you have been avoiding because you're worried about someone else's reaction to it? Remember, boundaries are not about building walls. They're about creating healthier ways to connect. And thank you guys again for joining me. And I will see you guys next week.