Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Go To Sleep When Your Wife Goes To Sleep

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Go To Sleep When Your Wife Goes To Sleep · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
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  Psych mom show today we're going to be talking about why you
• 0:10
  should go to sleep at the same time as your wife.
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  This is a common complaint that I hear is that the woman.
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  So tired, she falls into bed at like you know, 9:00 right after
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  the kids, go to sleep. And the guy is up for many hours
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  and then they don't get to go to sleep together and frequently,
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  actually, he wakes up much later than her because he went to
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  sleep much later. And even when he doesn't, they
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  lose that time together at night.
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  So I'll talk about That as soon as we discuss that you should
• 0:37
  subscribe because I have loads of great subscriber episodes.
• 0:41
  Most recent was on the narcissistic family and I have
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  the next one coming up is on male biology across the lifespan
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  which is going to be interesting.
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  So anyhow what I'm talking about here is like if you have some
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  sort of routine that works for you, that's cool.
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  If you work different shifts, all right?
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  If you're used to it and you're happy, that's fine.
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  But I'm not talking about the situation where you're happy.
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  Obviously, I'm talking about the situation where one or both of
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  you want to spend more time together and you, you don't know
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  where to get that time because she goes to sleep, too early and
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  you go to sleep, too late from either, you know, the other
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  person's perspective. And and and then you feel like,
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  well I can't fall asleep when she falls asleep so then what's
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  really the point? The point is to spend time
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  together. In the bed.
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  This is time cuddling. It's time.
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  Maybe talking it's time maybe being silent and close it.
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  You can stay in the bedroom until she falls asleep and then
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  you can either go out or sometimes you'll just see that.
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  You fall asleep at a different time.
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  Also, if there's no time in the bed, when are y'all supposed to
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  have sex women? As I've like really try to
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  hammer home to you do not just have sex, like, bam here.
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  We are having intercourse. Like that's not how it goes.
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  So they need time together time that is closed and a lot of for
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  Place, some of which starts with cuddling, if there is no time
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  for just cuddling, then how are you supposed to have sex?
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  It doesn't make any sense and some guys feel so sexually
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  starve that they don't even want to lay next to their wife
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  because they don't want to be rejected because they get
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  excited when they're next to her and then she doesn't want to
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  have sex so it's this constant. Letdown now I get that but then
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  your you have even less of a chance.
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  To reconnect. So you're kind of cutting off
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  your nose to spite your face and I understand it's to be
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  self-protective but the net overall long-term consequence is
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  that you just end up with less and less and less time together.
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  I mean, that's the truth and women in particular like get
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  more tired than men. I mean that's that's just
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  biology half the month are posed.
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  Ovulation and they nurse, they get pregnant.
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  There's a lot of biological things that go on.
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  There was a research study. Buddy, that I've cited numerous
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  times here. That's a that women need, you
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  know, x amount more sleep than mine.
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  I don't remember what it was. I feel like it was something
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  close to an hour. Maybe, I don't know.
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  They certainly need more because their body's doing more stuff.
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  The male body is like the same over the course of the month.
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  There's no like building up of a uterine lining and then flushing
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  it because she says, it happened for guys.
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  So the point being 0, also, women as I frequently said,
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  struggle more with depression, the type of depression That they
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  have is atypical depression, which means that they want to
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  eat more sleep more. It's all the vegetative
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  symptoms, which means where you're like, kind of hibernating
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  eating more sleeping, more like being like sitting around more.
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  So a lot of women have undiagnosed depression or at
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  least symptoms of depression that doesn't meet, you know,
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  that they don't meet clinical criteria yet.
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  But, I mean many, do they just don't ever like, look at the
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  criteria. I mean, by the way, like, just
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  as an aside. I'd like psychologist aren't
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  magic. Like you can also Google DSM
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  criteria of whatever-the-fuck diagnosis.
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  You think you have? And look because those are the
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  questions that they would ask you.
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  And that's what assessment is. I mean, there's like huge
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  batteries of assessment for different disorders but they
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  mostly come down the entire point of things is to assess
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  whether or not you have the symptoms in the DSM, you know,
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  the diagnostic and statistical Manual of disorders and were,
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  you know, if You're able to look like the ADHD ones.
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  Like look at that. There's like a hyperactive ones.
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  There's the inattentive ones. Do you have these symptoms?
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  Go through them and check off which ones you have?
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  That's all you're really going to be doing overall in a
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  psychologist's office. So if you think that you may be
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  depressed, look up the symptoms of depression and then you you
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  will know and then you can bring it into a psychologist and say
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  these are the ones that I have makes it a hell of a lot easier
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  because just an aside. So for anybody that's curious
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  isn't like no. Magic behind this like it's it's
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  assessment. Sure and we learn about the
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  disorders but you too can read, you know, and you could really
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  take ownership of your own mental health by knowing, you
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  know what you're looking at, anyhow back to the issue at hand
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  there, so it's a tangent that was hopefully helpful for you.
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  So the point here is women do struggle with more symptoms of
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  depression. That makes them more tired,
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  women themselves, get more tired than men.
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  Women do a lot more of the childcare according Statistics,
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  you know, although with many couples that I see men are split
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  in the childcare but still overall who I see is not the
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  average people. And with the average people the
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  woman still does more childcare. So I'm a what I'm saying by that
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  is that people who are following me or generally tend to be more
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  engaged. I mean guys who are reading
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  about psychology or Not Your Average guys.
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  But anyway the point being women are more tired so is kind of
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  like the lowest common denominator has to win.
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  She can do. Just not be tired.
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  You know like that isn't possible if she's falling
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  asleep. She's fallen asleep, that's
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  biology. So if you are awake, you can
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  choose to lay next to her more than she could choose to stay
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  awake. She can't really choose to stay
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  awake who would be like you choosing not to have to pee, or
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  something. It's like a biological
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  imperative. So if your wife is falling
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  asleep, stay in the bed, hug her, the clothes spoon her.
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  And then, if she falls asleep and you really have to get back,
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  go out there and do other work or you want to get out and like,
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  watch TV or something. Like I guess.
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  Go do it. Really try though, to see if you
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  may not have to and you can get on the same sleep schedule.
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  If you get on the same sleep schedule, you can also wake up
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  in the morning with her to another common female complaint
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  is that they do too much of the morning routine alone because
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  the guy's been up late. And I'll tell you, yeah there's
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  some guys who still have like a lot of work to do at night you
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  know, like actual work for their job but a lot of guys let's be
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  real. What are you doing late-night on
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  the computer? I mean, you're jacking off to
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  porn. So this is what many many guys
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  do and then they also do a little bit of work or some
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  things that they could say that there's a reason, you know, but
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  many, many guys are using that time after the wife goes to
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  sleep to just jerk off. And as I've said, my episode
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  about masturbation this, if you do not have a good sex life,
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  what the hell are you doing? Diverting any of your sexual
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  energy? This is not going to make you a
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  better and more present. Partner the its overall when it
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  starts to become every night and I know many people in that
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  situation where it becomes every night and then, of course, it's
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  addictive, right? Of anything you do every night
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  is addictive. So you get it your habituated.
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  If you don't want to say, addicted to porn.
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  Say habituated. So you get habituated the
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  organism gets a bitch waited over time as any organism does
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  to this routine of basically wife goes to sleep at nine.
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  You say goodnight, you go downstairs.
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  You wait till, you know, she's asleep and then you jerk.
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  For like 10 to 11. Does this sound like a healthy
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  marriage yet? It's the marriage of so many
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  people that don't admit it and it's not a healthy marriage
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  because then I mean, there's Myriad reasons that it's not but
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  the first one is, this is like the most separate possible of
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  emotional existences. You know, she's completely lost
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  in Slumber. You are looking at women on the
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  internet and the then when do you you reconvene at 8:00 in the
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  The morning or 7:00 when your kids are awake and you're going
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  to scan their going to school, barely talking to each other
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  then because there's no time. When is the time then that you
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  guys get to be close and intimate, there is none.
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  There's not so how you can make some.
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  And if you are around more at night you got a much likely,
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  your chance to be close emotionally and physically.
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  And even if she can be closed at night because I'm the first to
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  say that woman's testosterone is that it's very lowest at night.
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  A Peaks at 6 a.m. just like men's talked about that.
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  A lot. If you dare in the morning
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  because you got the same amount of sleep, as she didn't, you
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  ready to wake up in the morning? Well guess what?
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  You may have sex in the morning and women like to be close.
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  So generally, so if she sees that you are on the same page
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  and the same team, literally in the same bed on the same
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  schedule, this makes a lot of women feel a lot closer and a
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  lot more connected and this is, you know, very, very important
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  as the groundwork to improving the both of us.
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  Social and physical Intimacy in your relationship is just
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  literally setting aside time. And so date night is always like
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  talked about, but people can do date night with small children,
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  all the time you just cannot. There's I mean it's not
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  practical and even in a situation where your in-laws,
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  your parents live next door and you could always drop off the
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  kids. It's still people are exhausted
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  at night time is it is not infinite, money is not infinite
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  rather it would be so much better to get into a Well, that
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  actually makes use of things that you already have to.
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  Do you have to sleep.you, have to go to sleep?
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  So wouldn't it be better to make that something that you do
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  together? Now this there is out there are
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  a lot of guys. So this is a problem.
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  There are a lot of guys who have untreated sleep apnea, there's
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  some women there's a lot of guys and this the snoring that makes
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  a woman not have them in the same bed and even if they treat
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  the sleep apnea frequently, there's the CPAP.
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  The CPAP makes noise whatever. Very few guys have compliant.
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  With the CPAP machine because it's annoying etcetera.
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  So the point is, so let's say you really just cannot sleep
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  like in the same bed, that's not the end of the world.
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  Or I mean, in the first case, I was talking about people who end
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  up in the same bed, but more people than, you know, I forget
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  the statistics. It's like either 25, or 30
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  percent of married couples don't sleep in the same bed because of
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  things like snoring and different schedules, Etc.
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  That's not the end of the world. So maybe you could just be
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  separate for the actual Sleep time, but you can do the cuddle
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  time before that, until at least one person, starts to drift off,
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  or fully falls asleep. And then the other person can go
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  to wherever they go so that they can get a good night's sleep.
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  Whether that is, you know, the the room next door or whatever
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  it does not have to, there's workarounds to everything.
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  So, if you really want of you snore, so bad that the other one
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  cannot sleep with them and the sleep apnea machine or whatever.
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  You try to do doesn't work then you can at least still have that
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  nighttime cuddling time. And you can also have morning
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  cuddling time because the person who wakes up first can come in
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  and cuddle with the other person in the morning and this can work
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  for many people and that is when they end up having sex so you
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  don't have to exactly sleep in the same bed and many more
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  people than, you know, don't because people don't like to
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  share this because they think that it's like a bad sign or
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  people will take it as if their marriage isn't closed in reality
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  many many people. Have this issue because of, you
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  know, Rising rates of sleep apnea so that which leads to
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  snoring. So, either way, my point is,
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  there is a nighttime cuddle and bond window.
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  And, you know, this instinctively because you
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  probably do it with your kids bedtime routine, talking with
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  them at night, and cuddling them, and all of this, and then
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  you don't even do it with your spouse.
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  So, what the hell? I mean, if we can see a greater
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  example of child centered marriage, I don't know what it
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  would be, then to have like a loving close.
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  Connected bonding bedtime routine with your kids and then
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  you say to your spouse, say, yeah.
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  Piece. You know, I mean, what does that
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  really show? Nothing.
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  Terribly good and every night that passes in a disconnected
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  way like that maybe slowly eroding some of the foundation
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  of your closeness which is certainly not what anybody
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  needs. You know.
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  We want instead to build back up the closeness by putting in
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  these specific delineate. It X and windows of bonding and
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  bonding in bed is a different and more intimate type.
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  Bonnie, I'm not even talking about sex.
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  I'm saying bonding in bed, emotionally, close cuddling and
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  talking and or talking is much better.
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  There's a lot of women who have a physical touch love language
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  that love to cuddle but they never cuddle enough says common
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  problem because soon as they start to cuddle, the guy wants
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  sex from his perspective he never gets sick.
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  So he's going to take any opportunity that he has to push
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  for, but from hers, she never gets calling So Hershey's,
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  coddled, starved and he's sex-starved.
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  So there's women with a physical touch love language.
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  Whose husband would never put them in that bucket because the
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  woman needs cuddling. Ironically, she needs physical
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  touch to feel close but she never gets non-sexual physical
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  touch because he doesn't get enough sexual physical touch.
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  If this is your situation, you guys are locked in a vicious
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  cycle and of course I always talk about that.
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  Women need to focus on how you can have, you know, understand
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  responsive desire. How you could try more?
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  How you Get in the mood men. Also, though, have to understand
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  what is physical touch? That feels good for women.
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  Massage coddling, embracing each other kissing.
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  All of these things cannot go by the wayside or insects that you
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  get will be shit, you know, or will be absent.
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  So one of those situations and then that gets into the
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  masturbating all the time cycle and everything kind of goes to
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  shit. So hopefully you got something
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  out of this. You and your partner can really
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  Try for a week to go to sleep at the same time and see what
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  happens, you know. And on the other end, you could
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  try to wake up at the same time and see what happens.
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  If you currently don't, if you wake up at the same time.
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  If so, if you're a guy usually wakes up at 8 a.m. and the woman
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  usually wakes up at 6:30 with the kids, hey guess what?
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  That's an hour and a half, every day that she hates you.
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  And B, if you got up with her at 6:30, you might be more tired
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  and really fall asleep by 9:30, 10:00 when she wants to go to
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  sleep. And so, you know, there's no
• 15:05
  There's no like tips and tricks about, you know, doing this
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  magically like, you know, you I'm not telling anybody take a
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  Benadryl and, you know, take it to take a sleeping pill and and
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  make yourself sleep at the same time as your wife, but there's
• 15:18
  plenty of natural remedies such as getting up earlier.
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  Like she does get on her same schedule.
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  You may need Leslie, but maybe it's, it's not as as big of a
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  disparity. As you think, when you've been
• 15:31
  completely on a different schedule, people always, by the
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  way. I have no idea about truly how
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  much they sleep. This is why when people get
• 15:38
  those like watches, or those Rings or whatever that track
• 15:41
  your sleep, they're always shocked because they either
• 15:44
  overestimated or under us made it based on their personality.
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  So, person who's been going around being like kyleannie 5
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  hours of sleep at night. Realizes they get more and
• 15:52
  people that go around saying, oh you know what, I need like 12
• 15:54
  hours realize they only get seven.
• 15:56
  So it's interesting. But anyway, discuss this with
• 15:59
  your partner and see if you can commit to a week of having the
• 16:03
  same schedule and And you having that cuddle and bonding time at
• 16:08
  night. The same as you probably do with
• 16:10
  your children or did when they were small and thanks for
• 16:13
  listening. And please do subscribe.
• 16:14
  I'll talk to everybody soon.