Latest / Cage Match: A Roundabout Way of Meeting Nicolas Cage / Bonus Episode: Season of the Witch

Transcript

Bonus Episode: Season of the Witch · Cage Match: A Roundabout Way of Meeting Nicolas Cage

0:00
Oh, God. Oh, my God.
0:12
I forgot how sweaty it is in Seattle
0:15
when it's really fucking clammy like this.
0:18
Not my favorite.
0:19
Clamming out. Clamming out.
0:21
Oh, which which intro are we going to use since this is a special.
0:25
We'll go classic. Oh, yeah.
0:30
We're we're we're we're we're.
0:32
Wow.
0:34
That's how it goes.
0:35
Oh, I'm learning guitar.
0:36
We can we can throw a sick little riff on there. Nice.
0:38
As long as it only requires the A, D and E chords.
0:41
That's all I know and need.
0:43
Just need that D.
0:45
Yeah, but he just learned E.
0:47
I did. Trying to trying to push E.
0:49
E. D.
0:51
Gotta learn that M chord so you can start recording some EDM.
0:55
It's not an M chord.
0:57
It's not how. Coward.
0:57
You're not trying hard enough.
0:59
It's you need a different kind of guitar.
1:01
I had to do the alphabet to see like if G came before F and it doesn't.
1:07
Hey, if they want if they wanted me to know the letters individually,
1:10
they wouldn't have taught me that fucking catchy song.
1:13
It is a. Are you talking about the alphabets? Yes.
1:16
I mean, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
1:18
A B C.
1:23
Oh, yeah, that would be better if like
1:25
you've completely replaced it in your brain that you have to go through it
1:29
as Nick the way Nicholas Cage.
1:31
I mean, Peter, you fucked up with Cora, but with with the new one,
1:35
you could you could teach them the alphabet that way.
1:37
Barrett, I got it.
1:39
I I always you nailed it.
1:42
I always second guess myself because I'm like, there's no way it's the same name
1:45
as the black character from Final Fantasy seven. Yeah.
1:48
But as soon as we replace her arm with a gun, you'll never forget.
1:52
You got to have a gun arm so you're never unarmed.
1:55
It's fucking tight, man. Yeah, that's it.
1:57
I'm not going to give you that because you just rhymed arm with arm.
2:01
Technically a cool rapper who's better than I am did that.
2:05
So maybe he sucks.
2:06
Oh, yeah, probably.
2:08
No, actually, his album is fucking great.
2:09
Called Black Materia. Oh, yeah.
2:11
You don't want to start beef.
2:12
Now it's it's really good.
2:14
I would not I would not do well in a
2:17
a rap battle in a rap battle.
2:20
This is going great.
2:22
I get so good at like a talking with it talking.
2:26
I was going to say an eight mile situation, but I couldn't remember
2:28
the name of the movie.
2:31
Why are we here, Peter?
2:33
Why are we here today?
2:34
We're here to talk about obviously season of the witch.
2:38
2011 flick starring Nick Cage and Ron Pearlman
2:42
and not Peter Stormare and not the guy from Game of Thrones,
2:48
although he's in there and not Claire Danes.
2:52
Yes, he's into the witch that not there that that classic August movie.
2:57
Yeah. Did you ask while you said that?
3:00
No, I was rubbing my ankle against the chair here.
3:03
I kind of wish you would rip to us.
3:05
No, I dropped a deuce before you showed up.
3:07
Disappointing. I saved it for hours just to do it here.
3:10
He warned me to. I was accurate. Yeah.
3:12
I ran into him at Lion.
3:14
He's like, I'm going to poop when I get to your house.
3:16
I mean, at least you called your shot.
3:18
I think I actually said I'm going to take a crap.
3:21
You know, Nick, if you really wanted to like,
3:22
it's just such an unfortunate way to hear it.
3:25
It is. If you really wanted to like, get one over on me, like
3:29
I'd I'd be like moving into my new apartment and like you just like
3:32
I'd hear the toilet flush and you'd walk out of it.
3:34
Like before you like before I told you where I lived, you just knew.
3:37
Yeah, like you packed me in a box unbeknownst to you.
3:41
We do have your dot.
3:42
You might want to cancel your dad.
3:43
I might cancel my dog when I move.
3:45
If you're smart, you cancel the dot.
3:47
There's always air tags in spider boxes.
3:50
Mm hmm. I don't like you.
3:51
What's a spider box? It's a box full of spiders.
3:53
Yeah. You you brought this up.
3:56
Is this misdirection?
3:58
No, we have a it's irrelevant.
4:02
It's an item in the electrical world called Spider Box.
4:05
Gotcha. Is it a box full of spiders?
4:07
No, it's just a power distribution thing.
4:09
Oh, that's better.
4:10
Is it? I checked in on my dog with the with the cameras at the house
4:14
and there was a spider on top of the camera so I couldn't see it.
4:19
But now I know there's a spider downstairs in my house.
4:22
And I guess in a two weeks, three weeks, whenever this comes out,
4:27
Josie will know there's a spider in her house, too.
4:30
I'm not going to tell her, though. Good.
4:31
Surprise spider.
4:32
Does he still listen to this? Yeah, she still listens.
4:35
I don't know why. Thanks.
4:36
Make sure I'm not lying about what I'm doing in the evenings.
4:39
I guess barely certain Meredith doesn't listen anymore.
4:42
We could have just loaded up all of our content and we are just.
4:45
God, you are sweaty. Good time.
4:47
Dude, I'm very hot right now. Yeah.
4:50
And I'm also a very sweaty person.
4:51
Do we just need like a towel boy to like moist towel you?
4:56
Maybe. I do not have a squeegee.
4:58
That sounds really nice, actually. OK.
5:00
Could I have a cool cloth?
5:01
I'll just slicked down, Ben and wipe you off with him.
5:05
Yeah. Yeah.
5:06
There is a big ball of cat throw that you can dab yourself with.
5:11
Gross. Yeah.
5:12
Do that if you want to watch me puke on a microphone.
5:17
All right. So what did you guys think of this movie?
5:19
Also, welcome back to Cage Match, a roundabout way of meeting Nicholas Cage.
5:22
Bonus.
5:24
B-b-b-bonus.
5:25
I'm Sean here with my co-host Nick and our producer.
5:29
Peter. Hello.
5:30
We only get one Nick on a bonus episode. Yeah. Yeah.
5:33
Because we're only doing one movie.
5:34
You're not paying for two.
5:36
You've got to pay for two nicks.
5:37
I'm sorry, patrons.
5:40
Unnecessary.
5:42
I think this movie fucking kind of kicks ass.
5:45
I'm going to get this out of the way right up front.
5:47
Just so whenever inevitably Nick gets mad at me later,
5:51
I did enjoy this movie.
5:55
But you have questions.
5:56
I watched this movie start to finish last night.
5:58
I sat on the couch, watched the entire thing. Wow.
6:01
And start to finish like a regular movie. Yeah.
6:03
You sat down and watched the movie.
6:06
You did better than I did.
6:08
Well, what I'm going to say is I like I sat there
6:10
and I engaged and watched this entire film
6:13
and I can't tell you a single goddamn thing about it.
6:16
Oh, yeah. No, it's so plot light.
6:19
Like it the plot exists just enough to kind of carry you scene to scene,
6:25
but not enough to carry you out the doors of the theater.
6:29
It is a gentle ride all the way through.
6:33
But honestly, I love the makeup.
6:37
The makeup effects were great.
6:38
I think the costuming was pretty.
6:41
Decent costuming was great.
6:42
The sets were great.
6:43
The only place where this falls down visually is that peak 2010s CG.
6:49
Yeah, it's not super good on the CG.
6:51
It loses it once the demon is revealed or the wolf.
6:54
When the wolf is transparent.
6:56
Yeah, there's a little bit of rubberiness to the.
6:58
But that is but that is the CG of the era.
7:01
Totally. Unless you're an Avengers.
7:02
Right. It's hard to really bag on a movie that didn't have a crazy, huge budget.
7:06
You know, I mean, but otherwise it looks great.
7:09
And I mean, it looks like every other generic fantasy
7:13
movie of the time.
7:15
But it was super cool to have a Nicolas Cage like period fantasy piece.
7:20
Yeah. Where all the accents are very accurate.
7:23
I loved how in the first three scenes, like the little montage of them
7:27
in the crusades, no accents.
7:29
And then as soon as like there's a scene focusing on them,
7:31
they're both like, maybe we should do an accent.
7:34
And it goes completely out the door.
7:35
The next scene.
7:36
I love that Ron Perlman just exists.
7:40
Like he's a modern man in the what?
7:44
Thirteen hundreds. Yeah.
7:46
Sixteen hundreds.
7:47
Whatever. Somewhere in that 300 year window.
7:50
I'm sure he existed through all of it.
7:52
I love his very toadstool looking helmet.
7:56
Oh, yeah. His dick helmet.
7:57
He's fucking awesome.
7:58
I love Ron Perlman so much.
8:00
Ron Perlman's a boss.
8:01
Yeah. He's a great Bobo.
8:03
Every once in a while.
8:04
So, OK, slight departure.
8:06
That's not where you're hearing that.
8:07
We don't do departures on this.
8:08
We only talk about Nick Cage movies.
8:09
OK. Great. Hard arrival then.
8:14
Every once in a while, I think like if I could have some
8:18
B or C list celebrity at my funeral,
8:22
who would I want to be at?
8:24
And earlier today, I was thinking Crispin Glover
8:26
would be the one. Yeah.
8:28
Ron Perlman probably wouldn't be a bad choice to though.
8:32
I would put him more recognizable.
8:34
I think Crispin Glover would fly under the radar for like 99 percent.
8:38
I mean, you've heard my story of the time I sat next to
8:41
and talked to Crispin Glover for like 20 minutes and didn't know it was him.
8:44
Exactly. And I kind of think that's what I want.
8:47
Just for that one person who's out there like.
8:51
Why the fuck was Crispin Glover here? Yeah.
8:54
But yeah, like just Ron Perlman sitting in the back sweating like I am right now,
8:58
just like mopping his brow.
8:59
Oh, yeah. Bag of peanuts.
9:01
Sean just hunched over like in retirement plan, just like giving up.
9:06
Yeah. Thinking about pizza.
9:08
I'm sure he'd be thinking about pizza.
9:10
Perlman's a good poll. Yeah.
9:13
Brian Dennehy, similar vibe, I guess.
9:17
Sort of a big pile.
9:18
Well, OK, yeah. Yeah.
9:20
I love piles of men.
9:22
Reginald Vail Johnson. Good pick.
9:24
Who's that? The cop from Die Hard.
9:28
Also, the cop family dad from Family Matters.
9:31
Oh, yeah. Family Matters. Yeah.
9:32
Family is a different thing.
9:34
Yeah. Or Dave Coulier, just because I don't think anyone's seen him in a while.
9:38
I forgot that that was a name. Yeah.
9:40
I never forget about him.
9:41
Do you think he still makes beaver jokes?
9:44
Do you think he still has that cross eyed bear?
9:47
There's only one way to find out.
9:49
Look up cameo. Dave Coulier.
9:52
Oh, I thought we were just like going to kill Sean and bring
9:55
Coulier to the funeral.
9:56
That's what I was concerned with.
9:57
That's a better idea.
9:59
Let's know. This is it's good that we workshop these things,
10:02
because otherwise I would have killed Sean.
10:03
Check in next week for cage match with Nick and Peter and Dave Coulier.
10:10
The natural replacement for when Sean dies mysteriously.
10:13
You're not wrong.
10:17
You both would have gone down on the Lannis Morse.
10:19
No, he didn't. That was the issue, right?
10:21
Only one way to find out.
10:23
I went down on the Lannis Morse.
10:25
You would. I would.
10:27
I mean, I called your shot for you, but.
10:28
All right. Let's be real.
10:30
She was God. That's fair.
10:32
Yeah, she did a car wheel.
10:34
And there's one thing that everybody knows about me is like,
10:37
I go down on cartwheels, cartwheels, get you oral. Yeah.
10:43
So the season of the witch,
10:46
this movie like zero car wheels.
10:48
Yeah, none.
10:49
Although it clear for probably could have done one at some point
10:52
and been like, I'm a witch.
10:54
Or but she wasn't a witch.
10:56
That's true. She was a car wheel.
10:57
The skirt falls down. Nope. Demon.
11:00
That would have been better. Yeah.
11:02
And then she does a movie on her hands.
11:04
Uh, demon labels.
11:10
Demon labial folds.
11:14
Demon Majores.
11:16
I just look.
11:19
I know we talked about the costumes already,
11:20
but just I really dug their armor and their capes
11:23
and just visually, the whole thing made me think,
11:26
what if that witcher show was mildly OK?
11:30
Oh, yeah. What if they got a real show runner?
11:32
Yeah. Yeah.
11:33
Well, it could have been great. The witcher.
11:35
Oh, the witcher was bad.
11:37
Yeah, that's too bad.
11:38
I never played the games or anything, so I really had no stakes in it at all.
11:42
And everyone's like, well, I don't know.
11:44
He's hot. Whatever.
11:45
He's big. He's big.
11:47
It's a tough one.
11:49
Well, to talk about the witcher for a second.
11:51
They definitely based the first season on the first book,
11:54
which is more of a series of like loosely connected
11:59
short stories that kind of give you an idea of what being a witcher and.
12:06
But they're all short stories are about.
12:08
Gerald. Gerald.
12:10
That's how you create a character.
12:11
The main characters there.
12:12
The drugs they use to make him give him no emotions.
12:14
But he has to fuck constantly.
12:17
Mm hmm. So it's a crank situation.
12:19
Kind of. OK. I can get behind that.
12:21
Fantasy crank. Fantasy crank.
12:24
Yeah. More veins, less bathwater.
12:26
Come on, bring it.
12:29
OK, so my favorite thing about this movie is that I think that.
12:31
What movie are we talking about again?
12:32
Season of the Witch, obviously, 2011.
12:35
You think you think they couldn't afford the song?
12:39
My favorite part of this movie
12:41
is the buddy cop action of Cage and Perlman.
12:46
They fucking.
12:47
So great. Good.
12:48
Like charisma together.
12:50
Like I would do a TV show that didn't involve any of this shit.
12:53
It's them. Not the Crusades.
12:55
That's fucking a lame sort of backdrop for it.
12:58
It could be that time frame.
12:59
But them being like townie, you know, go town to town,
13:02
sort of solve the mystery of whatever is going on.
13:05
Sometimes it's a witch.
13:06
Sometimes it's I don't know.
13:08
So essentially you just want to make the Witcher with these two,
13:11
which is what I wanted.
13:13
It would be incredible. Yeah, I would watch that. Yeah.
13:16
Weirdly enough, the CG in this movie, despite being bad and from 15 years
13:21
13 years ago, still better than The Witcher show.
13:23
Oof was a bad show. That's rough.
13:26
I mean, this is you're right.
13:27
It looks pretty good for 2011, but it's pretty bad on the eyes.
13:31
It has the generic like like tornado of demons at the end of the film.
13:35
Yeah, I will say I did enjoy that like final demon fight
13:40
with all of the monks or whatever like coming about and just being like,
13:45
OK, I'm fucking evil now and I'm going to I'm going to do a stab spider
13:48
climbing up the walls.
13:49
Yeah, a lot of drop ins.
13:51
Mm hmm. Yeah.
13:52
Let's talk about the plague for a minute,
13:53
because it seems like it really fucked people up in this movie.
13:57
Yeah. And I don't think that's totally how the plague works.
14:00
I don't think it was necessarily the play.
14:03
It was a play.
14:04
It was a play. OK. All right.
14:06
Might have been caused by a demon.
14:09
Yeah, I think it was pretty.
14:11
I mean, they they implied pretty heavily that dealing with this one
14:15
particular demon causes plague which lady.
14:19
But then which lady does that mean she was already there?
14:22
Because she'd been around for a hot minute.
14:25
She needed to be taken to the abbey to get the book.
14:27
But if she was already there, then didn't she say that she had destroyed
14:31
all the other books? Yeah.
14:33
Well, she'd been trying to in the abbey was the last.
14:35
Abby was the last bastion of it and they were doing copies of it.
14:38
Yeah. Wanted to get.
14:39
But there had been other copies about and they were all destroyed at this point.
14:43
I think it was implied that.
14:44
But what I'm saying is like they'd are that demon.
14:47
All those monks had already died to the plague.
14:49
Right. But she wasn't there.
14:51
So how did that?
14:52
Yeah. Also, like never mind.
14:54
That seemed like a well known like Abby.
14:57
So it just seems silly that she didn't just fly her ass over there.
15:01
She was in a cage, though.
15:02
Which she immediately got out of of her own accord.
15:06
Oh, yeah. No, she she definitely just wanted them to take her there.
15:09
You know what? It's looked like a long walk.
15:11
It did look like a long walk. She had wings.
15:13
What what would be cooler, though, than having some dudes drag your ass up there
15:19
so you could chill out in style.
15:21
Then you get to eat them or kill them or whatever.
15:24
I don't know. What do demons do?
15:25
She just killed him.
15:27
Turn the guy's head around. That's always true.
15:28
That is good. And Ron Perlman's death was awesome.
15:31
Yeah. Ron Perlman had a good one. Yeah. Fire hug.
15:34
Yeah. DeBell's like it was so fast because this movie is really dark.
15:37
And I mean, not in concept.
15:40
It's just it was really dark.
15:42
And, you know, he's doing this incantation to steal her away forever.
15:46
And then it's just all of a sudden like, quick. Yep. Head snap.
15:49
That's it. Goodbye. DeBell's act. DeBall's act.
15:53
DeBall sack. DeBall sack.
15:55
We got that. Yeah.
15:57
Uh, Christopher Lee.
15:58
Fucking awesome. Yeah. Yeah. Fucked up face.
16:01
You know, a lot of herpes. Yeah. Yeah.
16:03
I mean, he eats a peach.
16:08
Yeah. We got Michael Douglas.
16:10
So Michael Douglas, that's what we were talking about the other day.
16:13
Saying that he's still alive.
16:15
You got throat cancer from eating too much.
16:17
Catherine Zeta Jones.
16:19
That's wild. That is wild.
16:21
I mean, I I hope it's true.
16:26
Only one way to find out for both of their sake.
16:28
I mean, really, like happy couple.
16:30
Fair. Let's see other characters in here.
16:32
There's a I don't know, the like Swedish guy or something. Sure.
16:38
So there's like, oh, well, there's the altar boy kid.
16:42
Yeah. Who is Klaus from Umbrella Academy.
16:45
Oh, was he? Yeah. Oh, yeah.
16:47
Oh, wow. I just finished that show the other night.
16:51
I was the last season. Yeah.
16:52
How was it? I enjoyed it. OK.
16:55
I mean, it's all the endings what it is.
16:57
But the discord around the Internet is the ending isn't great.
17:00
Yeah, it's a little flat, but it's I don't know.
17:03
Nothing's been as good as that first season. Correct.
17:07
How many times can you just do an apocalypse?
17:10
Yeah, I would say four.
17:12
Yeah, four would do it.
17:14
Or in this movie, one.
17:16
Yeah. So there was, you know, him altar boy boy.
17:21
Alter boy boy is my favorite sidekick. Yeah.
17:24
All right. And then yes, Stephen Graham from Snatch as Haggar, their guide.
17:30
Just seems like kind of a cunt.
17:32
Yeah, he got eaten by wolves.
17:34
Yeah. Yeah. But they were like. Demonic wolves.
17:36
Yeah. I was going to say witchy wolves, which sounds better.
17:38
But again, she wasn't a witch.
17:40
Wasn't a witch. Not a witch.
17:42
That opening goes hard, though, when they're like throwing witches
17:44
off the bridge and just snapping necks.
17:46
Mm hmm. I did want to point this out because the first thought I had was
17:50
they hung the witches like snap their necks.
17:53
Then drowned them, which overkill, but then left them in the water.
17:57
I'm like, that's how you poison your water supply and you're going to get sick.
18:00
And then the next like scene you see in the city, it's all plagued up.
18:02
I'm like, I fucking told you.
18:04
That's right. You put like weird bad people's corpses in the water.
18:07
It's like, let's go drink that and wash our clothes in it and shit.
18:11
But the problem is, well, I mean, nobody washed anything back then.
18:15
The problem was they didn't pull them back out and burn them.
18:18
It was the burning they forgot.
18:21
Well, it was the incantation that would burn them or incantation that would like.
18:25
I mean, you should burn them as well.
18:26
Well, yeah, you should exercise them and then burn them.
18:28
Yeah, I can't believe how much that fucking dude looks like Peter Stormare, though.
18:32
Yeah, he does look like a lot of Peter Stormare.
18:35
I took a lot in the forehead.
18:36
I did a little Photoshop overlay of the two of them.
18:39
I was like, damn, that's close.
18:41
What do you think your favorite part of this movie was?
18:44
Did I mention the penis helmet?
18:47
I mean, you didn't bring up the fact that he should play toad.
18:50
He should play toad.
18:51
We need a gritty Mario sequel, like fucking 90s live action Mario movie.
18:56
Gritty sequel. We get Leguizamo back.
18:59
Ron Perlman plays toad.
19:00
So who plays Mario?
19:02
No, Mario's dead. They're avenging his death.
19:03
OK, can we just do Super Mario Brothers
19:07
to just an all desert weird shy guy radish? Yes.
19:12
Lots of like deep digging in the desert. Yeah. Yeah.
19:15
I like that.
19:16
I think Ron Perlman is the fastest at it for some reason,
19:18
because he's got those big hands.
19:21
Yeah, he's sort of a Wreck-It Ralph type.
19:23
He would be a great live action Wreck-It Ralph, but like old.
19:29
Yes. Retired Wreck-It Ralph. Yeah.
19:33
I do like the sword fighting in this movie is like serviceable.
19:37
I do enjoy the all right.
19:39
We got old guys sword fighting, so we're just going to like show them
19:42
like overhead swing, then cut to every angle
19:44
that doesn't show their face for cool shit and then finish.
19:49
I mean, I like how you say old guy and I'm like, that's how they would feel me.
19:52
Yeah. Not saying we're not old.
19:54
That was also like 13 years ago.
19:57
Old like they were just in their 50s.
20:00
Well, Cage was I don't know how old Perlman Perlman.
20:04
I mean, he would have now.
20:05
Cage would have been in his 40s because he's only 59 now.
20:08
That's true. Yeah.
20:09
How old are they? Not even that old.
20:11
Yeah. Ron Perlman, 45.
20:13
But he just lived a hard fucking life.
20:16
74. So he would have been 60. Yeah. OK.
20:18
I'm not swinging a sword when I'm 60.
20:20
Maybe a little sword. I'm not swinging much.
20:24
God, he was good as Hellboy.
20:25
He was fucking he was the best.
20:27
That's my hellboy for sure.
20:28
Although that new one looks pretty fucking good.
20:29
I'm excited for that.
20:31
I think my OK. So back to your question.
20:33
Your favorite is just,
20:35
well, not the guy from Stranger Things, Stranger Things.
20:39
Yeah. He was fine and all, but Stranger Things.
20:42
Yeah. So the guy who played Harper.
20:44
Yeah. David. Oh, gotcha.
20:45
He was the last cowboy.
20:47
I lost which conversation we were having. Yeah.
20:50
I'm not helping. OK.
20:52
So your favorite Hellboy is
20:54
the one at the end of the movie where they fight all the monks.
20:59
Ron Perlman. Yeah. Gotcha.
21:01
And then Nicolas Cage gets stabbed with the wingtips. Oh, yeah.
21:04
That was a pretty cool.
21:05
Like if I was a demon and I was fighting somebody,
21:07
I would stab them with my wingtips.
21:10
This movie does have a lot of like I'm like, I want to steal that for D&D.
21:14
Yeah, it's cool.
21:15
I had never thought about that.
21:17
You know, points on the wingtips.
21:18
You literally have a weapon.
21:19
It's a weapon.
21:20
Just like it whipping around into his back was pretty fucking gnarly.
21:24
Yeah. Yeah.
21:25
And I like that he does not survive the film.
21:28
Yeah, he does not.
21:29
He does get to give like all shucks kids go on and have a good life.
21:33
Kind of a speech.
21:33
But it was convenient that the demon didn't just take human form,
21:37
but actually possess somebody what for there to be somewhat of a happy ending.
21:42
Because I was confused by that at the end where it's like, oh, so there
21:45
she was a person. Right.
21:47
And I'm sure that she and Kay lived to be a ripe old 37 years old.
21:52
Yeah. Well, demons do need some kind of vessel to come in,
21:57
like most literature, right?
21:58
Like they need to possess somebody.
22:01
But why didn't it bust out?
22:02
That's what possession is all about.
22:03
It was about to bust, man.
22:05
Maybe it just needed like a little more edging.
22:08
Yeah. Had to get near that church.
22:10
Mm hmm. Maybe about the best.
22:13
Maybe it's no good in like open world combat has to do close quarter.
22:18
OK. They were in that kind of sweet dome.
22:21
So my favorite scene was the bridge scene.
22:23
Me too. Getting over that bridge.
22:25
Oh, yeah. That was really cool.
22:26
It was tense.
22:26
I love that everybody had some kind of hand wrappings except for the priest.
22:31
And like, he's like, oh, my hands are all bleeding up.
22:34
Well, he got stabbed in the hand.
22:36
Yeah, but he was also needs that he should probably have more hand wrap.
22:39
Yeah, I did notice that too.
22:40
I'm like, why is it like, why is no one giving the guy with the bloody handed glove?
22:43
Also, maybe Nick Cage, you're not holding the rope like give him your gloves.
22:47
Well, I mean, if you give him a glove, like really,
22:50
that just opens you up for an infection.
22:52
This time of the world, he was going to die of an infection regardless.
22:56
They weren't going to boil that glove.
22:57
Yeah. Infection being head turning.
22:59
What do you think? That's Roman.
23:01
What do you think?
23:02
Pearlman drank from that flask? Oh, no, I guess it was cage.
23:04
You drank it. What do you think they were drinking?
23:06
It was a prominent flask.
23:08
Yeah. But what was it?
23:10
Liquor. Yeah, I think.
23:11
What's like 13th century liquor?
23:13
Some type of mash, I'm assuming.
23:16
It sounds horrid.
23:17
I did like their cockiness when they were in the Crusades.
23:23
Sorry, three local.
23:25
We hadn't evolved to four.
23:26
I was going to say they probably didn't have that many locals.
23:28
Yeah.
23:30
I did like through the Crusades.
23:31
They tried to show the passage of time through the like Crusades montage
23:34
by like adjusting the length of their beards.
23:37
Yeah, they adjusted their costumes and stuff.
23:39
That's how you get mushroom head. Yeah.
23:41
So I loved mushroom head.
23:42
Nick Cage's helmet was dumb. I did not like that.
23:45
Yeah, agreed.
23:46
Also, I like how whenever they like swang their swords around.
23:51
Swang, swang the sword and dang and swang the sword.
23:55
But they'd like they'd whack people and like people go flying.
23:58
Oh, yeah.
23:59
Whacking and swang and swang and and whack and
24:03
dang and swacking.
24:04
They're their fights were great in the Crusades.
24:07
I liked their buddiness of like, you know, whoever kills less has to buy
24:13
and buys the drinks.
24:14
Yeah, I'll take the 300 on the left.
24:17
You take the 300 on the right.
24:18
Then who will buy? Oh, you're still buying.
24:23
It was very gimly and I really enjoyed them when they weren't.
24:27
I really enjoyed their banter when they weren't in like a fantasy movie.
24:31
Yeah, when it was just like two dudes in like dresses talking.
24:35
Yeah, so good.
24:36
Like when they were in prison and they're just like in their dirty robes.
24:41
I love that. Yeah.
24:43
Yeah, there's not like a lot of good quotes from this,
24:45
but, you know, that's the one where Pearlman's like,
24:47
what's that smell in case just goes you?
24:50
That was a good one.
24:52
I did like how when they were making their demands to take the
24:55
the witch to the abbey to the monastery,
24:59
they could like, I want her to have a fair trial and like walks away
25:03
and run from it's like, and we we get off.
25:05
We get out of here.
25:06
Yeah, like we're we're also good. Yeah.
25:10
Yeah, Nicholas Cage's character was definitely more.
25:14
I wouldn't say pious, but like moral.
25:17
And I did enjoy the contrast of Ron Perlman's just like,
25:22
oh, I'm just here for a good time.
25:23
Yeah. Or like the story cage tells about Ron Perlman
25:29
signing up for the crusades when he was talking to the priest.
25:32
And he's like, oh, you know, like how much absolution do I get?
25:36
Or how much how many years do I need to serve for adultery?
25:40
How many years for thievery?
25:42
Better just sign me up for 20 then.
25:46
That was pretty good.
25:47
Filson's the best character without a doubt.
25:49
Yeah. He's the best in everything.
25:51
Yeah, he is the best boy.
25:53
What are we even doing here anymore? Who cares?
25:57
So Cage's performance overall, I mean, the accent's bad.
26:00
What do you think of it across the board?
26:02
That's it's just it's serviceable. It's there.
26:04
Yeah, it's just what it is.
26:06
I mean, this is not a high quality film.
26:11
No, but it's a very enjoyable film.
26:14
Yes. Yeah. So he.
26:16
I would rank it slightly better than Prince of Persia Sands of Time.
26:19
Hmm. So he lost the Razzie Award for worst actor.
26:24
Oh, did you guys look anything up on this?
26:26
No, not a thing.
26:27
Do you want to guess who won worst actor?
26:30
2011, 2011.
26:32
It's a very famous person.
26:34
2011. Give me one true performance and three not true.
26:40
Like, well, I'm not going to.
26:42
Was it for a big movie?
26:43
Like four movies.
26:44
It was definitely a movie that they.
26:46
It was definitely a movie.
26:47
Their production company funded this movie, as they often do.
26:51
Major comedic actor from our, you know, 1990s, mid 90s youth.
26:58
Was it Adam Sandler?
26:59
It is an Adam Sandler.
27:00
Is it Jack and Jill?
27:01
Yes, it is Jack and Jill.
27:03
Nicely done. Well, Jack and Jill.
27:05
What's a Jack and Jill?
27:07
I haven't seen that one.
27:08
Adam Sandler sleeps with a fucking Scarface.
27:13
Really? I've never seen this one.
27:15
What's why can I remember Serpico's name?
27:18
Al Pacino, Pacino.
27:19
Al Pacino wants to sleep with Adam Sandler, who plays his like Adam Sandler.
27:22
And his twin plays his twin sister.
27:27
I think we finally broke neck.
27:28
No, I'm just working on logistics here.
27:32
They cloned Adam Sandler as a woman for this film.
27:34
Mm hmm. And it is played by Al Pacino.
27:37
No, it's played by Adam Sandler.
27:40
But Al Pacino is in the movie in a fat suit
27:43
and wants to sleep with Adam Sandler's sister.
27:45
Did Adam Sandler get the Razzie for his performance as dude
27:49
Adam Sandler or Lady Adam Sandler?
27:52
Well, it was the actor.
27:54
So I assume that Jack got the Razzie and Jill did.
27:58
All right. He's an actor regardless.
28:00
I want to know.
28:01
You can also call women actors actors.
28:04
I mean, they differentiate it because of that.
28:06
Sexism is a particular thing.
28:08
If you want to be gender neutral, use Actron.
28:11
Yeah, it's a robot.
28:13
That is the actual gender neutral. Is it?
28:16
Yeah, that's Actron.
28:17
Dumb. Yeah, that is a robot and I like that better.
28:20
Yeah. Ah, so the best Actron.
28:24
No, I don't know.
28:25
Who else was up for a Razzie's out here?
28:27
So wait, Lady Adam Sandler tried to sleep with Al Pacino.
28:31
Al Pacino tried to sleep with Lady Adam Sandler.
28:33
Yeah, you've got the measure of it.
28:35
What was the attraction?
28:37
Tell me more about Jack and Jill.
28:39
I don't know.
28:40
I've only like that's all I've just make up something for me.
28:43
So the tagline I'll just describe the poster for you.
28:47
It's oh, yeah.
28:48
So tell me the poster poster,
28:52
you know, a banner across that says Adam Sandler is Jack and Jill.
28:56
And then in the top half of it, it's Adam Sandler going.
29:00
OK, that's great for this audio format.
29:02
And on the bottom, it's Jill going.
29:05
Oh, OK. Peter Grimist and then smiled.
29:07
And the tagline is his twin sister is coming for the holidays.
29:10
How's it spelled?
29:11
The normal way. Sorry, this isn't.
29:15
See you at my end.
29:16
You got the normal.
29:17
Yeah, it depends on like how what you Google for being normal.
29:21
It's twin sister is coming.
29:23
Wow. Busted.
29:27
And then the lower half says dot dot dot.
29:30
And it ain't pretty.
29:32
So he's a squirter.
29:34
I am so aroused right now.
29:37
OK. So I was a matter of Sean.
29:40
Come back next episode when we watch Jack and Jill.
29:43
I like how this this episode isn't coming out for like a couple months.
29:48
Yeah. Yeah, it'll be a while.
29:49
But yeah, I'm going to listen.
29:51
I'm going to this is going to come out.
29:52
So many spiders in my house by the time this comes out.
29:55
Holy fuck. OK.
29:57
So I'm just going to read you the last sentence of the synopsis of this movie.
30:01
OK, but you know, ultimately disapproves of Jack's agency commercial,
30:05
which features him rapping and instructs Jack to destroy all iterations of it.
30:09
I don't want to know if it's Pacino rapping or Jack rapping.
30:13
I just want to.
30:14
Does Pacino play Pacino?
30:16
Mm hmm. Yes.
30:18
I love because he's he's hired to do a Dunkin Donuts commercial.
30:22
I love the 100% out of context
30:25
combination of the words Jack and rapping.
30:29
Just Jack rapping Jack rapping.
30:33
That's a rap battle.
30:34
I don't know if I'd want to attend.
30:37
I would.
30:39
I'd go to Al Pacino's rap battle.
30:42
Will you go to Jack Battle, though?
30:44
Adam Pacino's rap battle.
30:46
Jack Battle. Not as Jack Battle.
30:48
You don't want to do that.
30:49
It's a Jack battle between Pacino and Sting. Oh, no.
30:53
My money's going so long.
30:56
Mine has a fiery finish.
30:58
You need to go to a doctor.
31:01
Where do you think I got it?
31:04
I got to stop finding doctors in alleyways.
31:07
They're cheap and they're available, but man.
31:11
Oh, man.
31:12
I don't know. What do you guys think?
31:13
Any other any other thoughts on this actual movie?
31:17
What movie are we talking about again?
31:18
Season the Witch 2011.
31:20
I couldn't tell you scene to scene how this movie played out.
31:23
I just remembered I was entertained the whole time.
31:25
Yeah, I mean, I could give you a roundabout of it, but there's a witch.
31:30
There's a witch and they get out of jail to take the witch to the witching school.
31:37
Everybody else in their party kind of dies.
31:40
Well, almost everybody except for Klaus.
31:42
And it would have taken the probably less time
31:46
because it took them what three days to get there?
31:48
Oh, no. Three movie days.
31:50
I'm trying to remember. They said it was like three or four days.
31:52
Either way, probably would have been faster to send one guy on a fast horse
31:56
to get the book and then come back.
31:58
I don't think they knew that the book was the objective.
32:00
Yeah, they did.
32:01
No, they were going to go to have the witch on trial.
32:03
Then when they got there, they found everyone doing the book shit.
32:06
And they were like, oh, the Book of Solomon.
32:07
But no, they know they they still knew they needed the book to like cast the spell.
32:12
Yeah, I think on the right of it that they were sending her to the abbey
32:16
because of the book.
32:18
Oh, because they had the book.
32:19
And that's why she wanted to go. Right.
32:21
I should have just gotten that fucking book. Yeah.
32:23
I think it was more than like three days.
32:25
I think it was a size.
32:27
I mean, three days in a fantasy world.
32:30
It wasn't that that's like Burian.
32:32
They say they say the they say it's like how many they say how far it is.
32:36
And it's like three or four days. It's not long.
32:38
They should have packed more booze.
32:39
They should have had more everything.
32:41
It was a bad ass flask, though.
32:43
It was a cool fly that spikes.
32:44
Yeah, it's like flask.
32:46
My flask is monogrammed.
32:48
It says Dave on it. Nice.
32:49
I got it at Goodwill and I'm really happy to have a Dave flask.
32:53
Mine is monogrammed and it has a Batman logo on it.
32:57
It says Bums. I like that. Yeah.
33:00
Dave, we aren't monogram supposed to be your initials.
33:04
Well, I don't know. It was engraved.
33:06
Oh, had a name on it. Yeah.
33:08
Yeah. Well, how do you know his initials aren't D.A.V.E.?
33:11
Yeah. Darryl Allen Veranda.
33:16
We're going to end on Veranda.
33:18
Good night, everybody.
33:20
Thank you for listening.
33:21
I don't even know.
33:23
This is a weird one.
33:24
We're going to we're going to sprinkle these in here
33:25
because we're hurting for content because we're getting towards the end of the thing.
33:28
We're not hurting for content.
33:30
We just we also just want some breaks for our lives.
33:35
That's why we record these things months in advance.
33:38
I've just got all these movies I want to talk about.
33:40
Yeah, there's good shit out there.
33:42
We're going to talk more about weird fucking cage shit.
33:45
I'm like a stone's throw away from owning all the Nicolas Cage movies
33:49
except for the animated shit.
33:52
So we know what to get you for Christmas.
33:54
Not going to do it.
33:55
You just burn them.
33:57
No, probably toxic fumes around you take a picture.
33:59
You're just like, this is right.
34:01
I'll pawn them for vintage pornography.
34:03
OK, that's every time you come over to my house and you see like a 1983
34:08
playboy on the like coffee table.
34:11
I'll know I helped. Yeah. Yeah.
34:13
All right. That was the crudes.
34:14
Yeah.
34:17
Now, I assume to get that kind of porno, you just like put a box
34:20
of weird, loose, Nick Cage DVDs out somewhere.
34:23
You have to put them under a bridge.
34:24
Yeah. And you come back later and you just find like 1981 March Playboy.
34:30
Yeah. Yeah. All right.
34:31
That's pretty fucking tight.
34:32
That's a good system.
34:33
So I was doing so
34:36
I was doing a job down in Tacoma the other last week.
34:39
And I found a hobo nest behind my job site and there was a job
34:44
a book like in the hobo nest
34:49
like the basically the trials and tribulations of fatherhood.
34:57
And my my apprentice was getting married this the weekend
35:01
after this, and I was like, oh, man, you should totally grab that book.
35:04
He's like, maybe I should.
35:05
And then we came back the next day and all the rest of the trash
35:08
was still there, but that one book was gone.
35:11
So I'm assuming the hobos were listening.
35:14
Oh, yeah. They knew what treasure was. Yeah.
35:17
Speaking of treasure.
35:18
Thank you for listening.
35:19
You can find us on social media at Cage underscore match underscore pod
35:23
or on Patreon if you feel like giving us money to make us do more of this.
35:28
If you give us enough money, we'll stop doing this.
35:31
We could. Yeah. It's got to be a big amount.
35:33
Yeah. Enough to kill enough to kill a rhinoceros.
35:35
Yeah. Or be Nicolas Cage.
35:38
So special thanks to our sparkle buddies, Josh, Sean, Josie, Rico, Matt, Adam
35:41
and Bill got there and to our cage dancers, Ira, John Freeman, Lance,
35:47
Nathan and Cameron.
35:50
You can find us on Patreon at Cage match if you want to do that.
35:55
Veranda, if you ever want to see how much money it takes to choke me to death,
36:01
just start donating.
36:03
But it all has to be like at one time,
36:05
because otherwise I'm a start swallowing and you can't stop me
36:09
once I start swallowing.
36:12
You just keep saying I'm about to bust.
36:15
It'll sound like, oh, well, well, bye.
36:19
Bye.
36:20
Bye. Bye.
36:30
So I'm taking Rico to get his vasectomy tomorrow.
36:34
Oh, perfect. Yeah.
36:34
He was wondering like you hear.
36:37
He did not know you needed somebody to drive.
36:39
You're a better friend than I.
36:41
Well, he definitely was going deep into the coffers for people to give him a ride.
36:45
Yeah. I was going to say, wait, I'm not I'm not like number two on his call sheet.
36:52
I you probably place lower than you.
36:53
You probably missed his call.
36:55
That's all it was, Sean.
36:57
He got to me and I was like, you know what?
37:00
I got you, buddy.
37:00
Yeah, you've you've gone through this.
37:03
Well, he's getting it snipped. I'm going to go buy a pack of peas.
37:06
And I'll have that just set on the seat for him.
37:08
Now, boil them.
37:10
A bag of boiled peas like frozen peas in a hot bag.
37:15
Yeah. Pull a Hayden.
37:16
That's a Hayden style for sure.