Latest / Breaking Our Borders / Loneliness after Healing from Trauma

Transcript

Loneliness after Healing from Trauma · Breaking Our Borders

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome to the Breaking Our Borders podcast.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Dr.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: Michelle Border, and today I'm going to talk about something that often happens during trauma healing, but a lot of people are unaware it can happen.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: That is the loneliness that can be felt during and after healing from trauma.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: We often talk about the pain of childhood trauma, the coping mechanisms we develop, and the work involved in healing.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: But there's another side to that journey.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: What happens when you begin to heal, change your relationships, establish boundaries, and stop being the person you once had to be.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes your life doesn't feel as positively connected as you hoped it would.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: Today I will talk about where those feelings come from and how we can find peace within them.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: So let's get started talking about that right now.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: The healing journey can bring knowledge of abusive or neglectful experiences from your past and the consequences you are dealing with now as an adult from those experiences.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: You may have learned new ways to cope with those consequences, new ways of thinking about yourself, and new expectations from your relationships.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: You may see how some of your relationships are not healthy, and you may build some boundaries to protect yourself from those negative experiences.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: These are all good things to do for yourself.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: You might feel healthier emotionally, more aware of your needs, and less willing to tolerate unhealthy relationships.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: But then you may realize that somehow you feel lonelier than before.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: When you were experiencing trauma, you may have learned to adapt yourself to other people, to feel accepted, loved, or safe.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: You may have maintained relationships by agreeing with others, putting their needs first, avoiding conflict or tolerating behavior that hurt you.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: You did this as a means to survive the abuse or neglect you were experiencing.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: But this coping method was not positive for you.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: Your needs and wants were not recognized, and you didn't get to develop a healthy identity.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: As you heal, you may begin recognizing those patterns and making different choices for yourself, causing some of your relationships to change because you're no longer willing to participate in the same behaviors.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: Healing is the best thing you can do for yourself, but sometimes it changes who fits into your life.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: You may be learning to protect your emotional well-being while still figuring out where you belong.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: And you may find this strengthens some relationships while creating distance or loss with others.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: During healing, you will begin to understand your childhood experiences and possibly see some of your adult relationships differently.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: You might recognize that certain relationships depended on you being agreeable, available, forgiving, or willing to put yourself last.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: And because of your new enlightenment, the fact that you also deserve to have your needs and wants met, you may not want to play out the dynamics of those relationships anymore.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: Once I learned that my mother's behavior towards me was abusive and she wouldn't own that and change her behavior, I decided I could not have her in my life.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: The same was true with my first marriage.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: When I saw that the marriage could not be repaired so that we were both happy, I chose to remove myself from that relationship.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: In doing so, I also lost connections with some people that chose to stay in a relationship with my abusers, who chose not to see my side of the situation and continue a relationship with me as well.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: And in other relationships where my needs and wants were not respected, I used boundaries to protect my well-being.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: I limited the amount of time and energy I gave that person.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: When you have spent years trying to earn acceptance, being helpful and agreeable may have become your way of maintaining relationships.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: You may have been the person who always reached out first, listened to everyone else's problems, said yes when you wanted to say no, apologized to keep the peace, made an extra effort to ensure everyone felt comfortable, took responsibility for repairing conflicts even when you weren't responsible for creating them.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes when you stop doing all the work to maintain a relationship, you discover that the relationship wasn't as mutual as you thought it was.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: That realization can be painful because you may recognize that you were maintaining a connection that the other person wasn't putting the same effort into maintaining.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: But now as you heal, you may begin doing these things less often.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: You may set boundaries, stop over-explaining, or allow other people to control the relationship.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: And then you might notice that some people aren't reaching out as much when you aren't doing the work to maintain the relationship.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Loneliness isn't always about being physically alone.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you can be surrounded by people and still feel that nobody really knows you.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: If you spent childhood adapting yourself to other people's expectations, you may have learned to show people the version of yourself you thought they would accept, not who you actually were.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: You learn to read a room and adjust your behavior accordingly so that people were happy or accepted you.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: You learned to become a good listener without sharing much about yourself.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: You became good at hiding your emotions for fear of criticism.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: You became agreeable to others' wants and needs without expressing your own.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: And you became good at making other people feel understood and accepted while wondering if they felt the same about you.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: You became so good at being focused on others that you never directed the focus on yourself.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: If you are always the giver, that can make it difficult to experience the kind of mutual connection with others that you are craving.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: Humans are social beings.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: We need connection with others, and meaningful relationships can contribute to our emotional well-being and sense of belonging.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: If your relationships are all one-sided, then you may feel alone within yourself because you are not able to make connections and share your wants, needs, thoughts, or feelings, and have those accepted by others.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's like you are hiding within yourself, and that can get lonely.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: When healing from childhood trauma, we want to create healthy relationships with others and ourselves.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: But often we have several unhealthy relationships due to the trauma.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: The relationship with our abusers and relationships we develop after the trauma can often be one-sided, controlling, and unsupportive.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: As we begin to heal, we may see that these relationships are not helping with our healing.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: We may have to establish boundaries, limit our time and energy, or stop these relationships so that we are not enduring continued abuse.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: Ending any relationship, whether it is through boundaries or no contact, can cause grief.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: When the relationship does not turn out the way we hoped, it's normal to feel sad that things are not working out.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: When that person is no longer in our life, even if they were very hurtful, it is a loss that we will feel sad about.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: In a sense, it is like a death.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: The death of a relationship that you hoped would be more positive.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: I have talked a lot about how awful my mother was to me.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: Because of the intensity and continuous abuse towards me, even as an adult, I decided to stop all contact with her.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: This was a difficult decision, but one I had to make for my mental health.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: I had to remove myself from the continued emotional harm of that relationship.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: After I made that decision, I felt grief.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: I grieved for the loss of the possibility to have a healthy relationship with my mother.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: I grieved for all the situations mothers and daughters are supposed to have together.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I grieved for the relationship my sons would never have with their grandmother, as her toxicness was used on them as well.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: I decided to end my first marriage.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: Again, it was a situation I had to remove myself from because the toxicness in the relationship was hindering my healing.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: Even though I am the one who chose to leave, I still grieved the loss of a marriage that I hoped would last all our lives.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: I grieved the fact that he would not work with me to improve our marriage so that I felt comfortable staying.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I grieved the life I had hoped for my sons of not having divorced parents.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: The loss of relationships I had hoped for was sad, but finding mental well-being outweighed the grief.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we aren't grieving the person we lost as much as we're grieving the relationship we never got to have with them.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: We may have spent years hoping that one day things would change, that they would understand us, acknowledge the hurt they caused, or finally give us the love and acceptance we needed.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: Letting go of that hope can be just as painful as losing the relationship itself.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: As you heal and your relationships change or are ended, you may find yourself grieving several things.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: One, the relationship you wished you had.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: You may have hoped a parent, family member, or friend would eventually understand you, treat you differently, or offer the love you needed.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: Two, you may grieve the relationship you thought you had.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: You might realize that the connection wasn't as reciprocal or emotionally safe as you had formerly believed.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: 3.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: You can grieve the time and energy you invested.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: You may grieve how much of yourself you spent trying to make relationships work.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, you may grieve the possibility of things being different.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: You might have to accept that someone isn't willing or able to develop the relationship you hoped for.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: While the relationship may not have been healthy, it is not unlikely that you may miss that person.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: Missing someone doesn't automatically mean you made the wrong decision by creating distance.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: You can miss the good moments, wish things had been different, and still recognize that the relationship wasn't good for you.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: At times you may feel lonely without them, but you need to ask yourself, are you lonely because you are losing relationships that matter to you?
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: Or are you discovering that some relationships were being sustained by your willingness to neglect yourself?
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the answer is both.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: And even when a relationship was unhealthy, losing it can still be painful.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes loneliness during healing isn't just about losing relationships.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: It can also come from not recognizing yourself anymore.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: You may have spent so much of your life identifying yourself by what you did for others, how you kept the peace, or how well you met other people's expectations that you aren't quite sure who you are without those roles.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: You're learning to identify your own interests, preferences, needs, and wants.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: That can feel unfamiliar and sometimes lonely.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: Because you're learning to build a life around who you are rather than who you needed to be to survive.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: I often feel alone when with others.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm an oddity that doesn't quite fit in.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: I've spent so much of my life holding in who I am that I struggle to share and interact with others for fear of criticism or rejection.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's like there is a person inside me that is isolated and fears being exposed, so she stays silent.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: Not being able to share and make connections keeps me isolated inside, even when I am physically surrounded by people.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: Those of us who have had to hide who we are to cope with trauma may struggle with allowing ourselves to be seen for fear of rejection.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: We may wonder, will people still accept me when they see the real me?
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because my parents didn't.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: That certainly can make genuine connection feel intimidating, even when it's what you want most.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: Being known by others requires allowing yourself to be known, and that can take practice when you've spent years protecting yourself.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to reveal everything about yourself at once.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: You can begin with small acts of authenticity, such as expressing a preference, sharing an honest opinion, or telling someone what you need.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: As you share yourself and receive acceptance, it will become easier to share more.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: Healing from trauma can alter the relationships we have and can cause us to feel lonely.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: Healing can create a period in which you no longer feel comfortable in some of your old relationships.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: You can begin leaving old patterns behind.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: You stop tolerating certain behaviors, begin setting boundaries, and recognizing that you don't have to earn your place in every relationship.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: These are all good things for your healing journey.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: But you're also entering an unfamiliar stage.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: You may have fewer comfortable social routines, feel uncertain about whom to trust, or struggle to find people with whom you can be yourself.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: The good news is you begin building something different.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: You learn to develop relationships based on shared interests, mutual respect, honesty, and genuine enjoyment rather than fear, obligation, or the need for approval.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: This can be an uncomfortable in-between stage, but it isn't a guarantee that loneliness will disappear on its own.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: Building meaningful connections often requires intentional effort, opportunities to meet people, and time to develop trust.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: The hopeful message is that you don't have to return to unhealthy patterns just to avoid being alone.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: For some childhood trauma survivors, loneliness is complicated by a desire for connection that exists alongside a fear of being hurt.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: You might want close friendships, but worry about being judged, rejected, misunderstood, or taken advantage of.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: You may overanalyze conversations, question people's intentions, or find yourself pulling back when a relationship begins to feel important.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: These reactions can make sense based on your earlier experiences, but they can also make it harder to build the relationships you want.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: Just remember this.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: Trust can develop gradually.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to decide immediately whether someone is completely safe or trustworthy.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: Healthy relationships allow room for differences of opinion.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: Someone disagreeing with you doesn't automatically mean they dislike you, are rejecting you, or are going to abandon you.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: You can disagree with someone and still have a healthy, caring relationship.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: You can learn to evaluate relationships over time.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: Notice whether someone respects your boundaries, follows through on commitments, takes responsibility for their mistakes, and shows interest in your needs as well as their own.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: A key part to this healing is learning to trust yourself.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: You can learn that if a relationship becomes unhealthy, you have the right to reassess it and decide what you need to do.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: I've heard the saying that if you're not comfortable being alone, then you shouldn't be in a relationship.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: But I disagree.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: There is value in developing a comfortable relationship with yourself, but being able to enjoy your own company doesn't eliminate the human need for connection.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: You can value your independence and still want someone to call when you have exciting news.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: You can feel comfortable spending an evening alone and still wish you had a close friend to share it with.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: You can be proud of your healing and still feel sad about the relationships you don't have.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: None of those feelings means you have failed at healing.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: Take time to get to know yourself and look for activities, hobbies, or social settings where others share your interests and where you may be able to make healthy connections.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: Start small.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: A casual conversation or a shared activity can be a positive connection.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: This doesn't have to immediately lead to a deep relationship with this person, but it gives you a chance to be your true self.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: Share a genuine opinion, express a preference, or allow yourself to disagree respectfully.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: Notice how people respond when you aren't working so hard to please them.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: Allow relationships to develop at their own pace.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: Meaningful connection often grows through repeated interactions and mutual effort.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to prove your worth or rush intimacy to make someone stay.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: You may have spent years longing for love, acceptance, and relationships in which you could finally feel safe being yourself.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: When you begin healing, you may realize that some people cannot give you the kind of relationship you hoped for.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: And that realization can hurt deeply.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: But it doesn't mean you're destined to be alone.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: It means you may be learning to approach relationships differently, with more awareness of your needs, a clearer understanding of your boundaries, and a willingness to look for mutual care rather than trying to earn acceptance.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to turn every loss into a positive lesson right now.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you need to grieve.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you need to acknowledge that you wish things had been different.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes you need to give yourself permission to feel lonely without interpreting that loneliness as proof that you made the wrong choices.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_00: You can miss what you have, grieve what you never received, and still make room for something healthier in the future.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: As you begin to recognize who you are and what you want, you can also decide what you want from relationships.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: Healthy relationships, mutual respect, trust, open communication, and shared equality rather than control or power.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: Finding these qualities in relationships will bring you happiness, healthy connections, and a new awareness of yourself.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_00: Learning to recognize and develop these qualities in your relationships can help you build meaningful connections and continue developing a healthier understanding of yourself.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: I will put a journal prompt on my website, breakingarborders.com, that can guide you with thinking about your current relationships, discovering who you are and want to be, and what you want from future relationships.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, healing takes time, and you may have setbacks.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_00: But that's okay.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: But be patient with yourself.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: The fact that you are working towards healing is a courageous and positive step.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: Give yourself credit for even getting this far.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening today, and I hope you will join me again next week for more discussions on healing from childhood trauma.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: Until then, remember this.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to choose between being true to yourself and having meaningful relationships.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: You deserve relationships where you can be yourself without having to earn your place in someone else's life.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you have a wonderful week.