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Dating After 50: Serial Killer or Soulmate? · My Sexy Menopause Body

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to MySexy Menopause Body.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Not just a podcast, but a movement.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Menopause isn't something to dread.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's something to own with strength, confidence, and yes, sexiness.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because menopause doesn't mean fading into the background, it means stepping fully into who we are.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: And now here's your host, Kim Nicholson.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get started.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: Did you ever imagine that in your 50s you might be sitting across from a stranger at a coffee shop thinking, hmm, is this man a serial killer?
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: Or my next boyfriend?
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: Because 30 years ago, dating looked very different.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: Back then we met people through friends, church, family members, the gym, met maybe in the grocery store or work.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you talked on the phone, you went on dates, and you got to know each other over time.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: And today we're swiping through strangers on our phones, trying to decide if someone's profile picture with a fish means he loves the outdoors or just has absolutely no idea how to take a photo.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: And yet, millions of women in midlife suddenly find themselves in this exact situation, whether you're divorced, whether you're widowed, starting over, and wondering, how did I end up dating again?
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: And here's something fascinating.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: You're not alone.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: There are about 37 million single adults over the age of 50 right now in the United States.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: That's 37 million.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: 37 million.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're sitting here wondering whether it's strange that you've been thinking about dating again, guess what?
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: It's not.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: You're standing in a place that millions of people find themselves during midlife.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: All right, so welcome back to my sexy menopause body.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: This is Kim Nicholson, your host.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: And this is the podcast where we talk honestly about life in midlife and beyond.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: And this is the place where we talk about the things that no one really prepared us for.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: The shifts in our identity, the changes in our relationships, and the unexpected chapters that show up long after we thought life was already mapped out for us.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: And so today I'm beginning a brand new series, dating again.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yep, dating in your 50s or your 60s, 70s, 80s, doesn't matter.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: Dating after your divorce doesn't matter.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: Dating after a loss, dating after raising children, and building an entire life.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: And if you're listening and thinking, how in the world did I end up here?
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: I promise you, you're not alone.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: And I can tell you that I know that feeling personally because guess what?
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: I found myself in this position twice.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: The first time was in my late 40s after a divorce.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: Now, divorce is something no one plans for.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: When you get married, you're not thinking about the possibility that maybe decades later you might find yourself starting over again.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody thinks that.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: You're thinking about building a life together.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: You're also thinking about raising children and creating traditions and growing old side by side.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: But then life has a way of unfolding in a direction that you just don't expect.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: And then suddenly there I was in my late 40s asking a question I never thought I would ask again.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: Could I date again?
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: If you haven't dated in 20 or 30 years, that question alone is overwhelming.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: Because the dating world we left behind no longer exists.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: It's crazy out there right now.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: So when many of us dated years ago, things were so much simpler back then.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like I said, you met someone through your friends or your family, maybe you met them at work, maybe through your community or your gym or whatever.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: And when you kind of got to like somebody, you talked on the phone.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: You went on real dates, you got to know each other slowly.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: And there were no apps, there were no profiles, and definitely no algorithms deciding who you might be compatible with.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: And eventually, I did step back into the dating world and I joined Match.com.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: And let me tell you something about creating an online dating profile when you haven't dated in decades.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my goodness, you're in for a surprise.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: It's a wild ride.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: It's one of the strangest experiences you will ever, ever have.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: You're sitting there at a blank screen thinking, all right, how do I describe myself as you fill out this profile?
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_01: I don't really know how to describe myself.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: What do I say?
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: Do I say, oh, I love cooking?
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_01: Do I say, oh, I enjoy travel?
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: Do I mention that I have children?
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_01: And suddenly you feel like you're writing a resume for your personality.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, wait, and then the worst is yet to come.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: And then you gotta find the photos.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: Which one do you choose?
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: The one where you look great but still look like yourself, the one where the lighting is good, the one that doesn't make you look like you're trying too hard.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: It's funny now.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: But at the time it felt incredibly strange.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: But here's the beautiful part of that story.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: That decision that decision alone led me to someone who's become a very meaningful part of my life.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: You know, we met on match.com, fell in love, we were married for nine years, nine years of companionship, nine years of everyday life together, nine years of building another chapter, and then life took another unexpected turn.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: He became ill with cancer, and eventually I lost him.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: And now losing a partner is very different from a from divorce.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: Divorce is the ending of something that you could you can no longer continue.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: But losing someone you felt for, loved deeply leaves a very different kind of silence because love was still there.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: The life you built together was still there, but suddenly that person is gone.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: And so once again, I found myself in a place I never expected to be single, but this time in my late 50s.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: And that brings up a completely different set of emotions because now you carry history with you, now you carry memories of some love that existed before.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: You carry grief, but at the same time, there may still be a quiet part of you that misses companionship, conversation, and shared experiences.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: And that's when the question returns.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: But this time it gets a little bit more complicated.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: It's not just will I date again?
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: But it's should I date again?
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: And that's the question that opens the door to a lot of thoughts.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: So, right now, what are you thinking?
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: If you ask yourself, should I date again?
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: And again, especially after a loss, when is the right time to date again?
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: Is six months too soon?
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: Is two years too soon?
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: I had a guy tell me, I was a housewares rep at the time, and he said uh he was in a very similar experience, and he said that somebody had told him for every year you're married, um, that's how many months, no, was it months?
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I guess that's how many months you should wait to even before you even ask that question.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're married 10 years, you should wait 10 months before even asking yourself that question.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: But regardless, I mean, you hear a lot of funny advice from people during this time, don't you?
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: But anyway, you gotta ask yourself, am I ready?
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: Now, or am I just lonely?
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_01: And then there's another set of questions that start creeping in.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: Questions about yourself.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: Because the moment you even think about stepping back into the whole dating world, you start looking at yourself a little differently.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: You catch your reflection and you think, huh, do I need to lose a few pounds?
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_01: Do I need to update my wardrobe?
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: Am I looking a little frumpy these days?
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, do you think I should get some Botox?
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: Should I change the color of my hair?
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: And then suddenly you realize something.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: Dating again means letting someone letting someone see you all over again.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: But who is that person you want them to see?
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: And that they that you can feel very vulnerable during this time too.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: And then, of course, comes the questions about the people in your life.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: Do I tell my kids I'm gonna start dating again?
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: Do I talk to my friends about it?
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: Or do I wait until something becomes serious?
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: And by this stage in my life, many of us have built something that we deeply value.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: It's independence, it's peace, it's friendships, it's routines.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: So inviting someone new into that life isn't a small decision, right?
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're listening right now and thinking, yes, these are exactly the same questions in my head.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: Guess what?
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: Again, you're not alone.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: This crossroad is far more common than people talk about.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: And so before I go any further in this series, I want to invite you to pause.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_01: Take a deep breath before all the apps, before all the first dates, before all the profiles, take a little time to reflect.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: Because dating in your 20s is about building a life, right?
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: And during later in life, it's about protecting the life you've already built.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_01: So here are a few questions I want you to sit with this week and ask yourself Do I actually want a relationship right now, or do I simply miss companionship?
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: They're two different things.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: Ask yourself this what parts of my life today bring me the most peace?
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: Because anyone you invite into your life should add to that peace, not disrupt it.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: And ask yourself, what did my past relationships teach me about what I truly need in a partner?
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: You know, because every relationship leaves us with wisdom, right?
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_01: Even the bad ones, they leave you with wisdom.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: The question is whether we take the time to listen to our answers.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_01: So now before we end today, I want to share five things every woman should consider before dating again.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: They're not rules, it's just honors reflection.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: So, first, are you looking for love or a relief from loneliness?
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_01: Loneliness can make anyone want companionship back so quickly.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_01: But healthy relationships grow when someone adds to your life, not fills a void.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_01: So that's a big one.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_01: Again, are you looking for love or just relief from loneliness?
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_01: All right, my second question to you today is does someone new fit into the life you've built, or would you reshape your life to fit them?
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_01: By midlife, many of us have created something meaningful in our life, and the right partner complements that life.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_01: They don't replace it.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_01: So again, does someone new will they fit into the life that you currently have built?
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_01: Or are you willing to reshape your life to fit them?
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: It's a good question.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_01: I had somebody ask me that, and it took me a while to be able to answer those questions.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_01: That's why it took me almost it took me a very long time before I started dating again.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: So, third question: how do you feel about yourself right now, right at this very moment?
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_01: Because stepping back into the dating world can awaken a lot of old insecurities.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_01: You can, you know, insecurities about weight or your appearance or at this point aging.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_01: But confidence, guess what?
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_01: Will always be the most attractive.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_01: It's better than perfection.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_01: So think about yourself, think about your old insecurities.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_01: They will rear their ugly head again during this time.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_01: All right, I think the four, I think it's four, the fourth question I have for you.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_01: How is this going to affect your family?
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes your children need time to process the idea of someone new in your life, right?
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_01: So those honest conversations can make that transition easier.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm a firm believer in, you know, having these open conversations with your family, your kids, your parents, your siblings, whomever, your friends.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_01: And also as you say it, the very first time you say, I'm considering dating again, it feels weird.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_01: It feels like you're cheating and you're not.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_01: It's the weirdest thing.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_01: But the more you say it, and the more you have conversation about it, the more you'll either recognize I'm not ready for dating, or yes, it is the right time for me.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_01: So have that conversation with your closest circle of family and friends.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_01: And then my final question for you, the fifth one, is are you emotionally open to connection again?
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_01: Not intellectually open.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_01: I'm talking about emotionally open because real relationships require vulnerability, right?
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_01: And sometimes that your heart needs time before it feels ready for that again.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like I said, it feels weird and icky sometimes.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_01: But your heart needs that time also to heal.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_01: So before I close today, I want to say something to three women who may be listening right now.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_01: What that first woman is thinking, I'm not ready.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe the grief is still fresh, maybe the healing is still happening.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_01: And if that's where you are, that's okay.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_01: There is no timeline for healing.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_01: There is no time, no timeline for healing, no matter what everybody else tells you.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_01: Listen to your heart, feel your heart.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_01: What is it telling you?
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_01: All right, the second woman that I'm talking to today is listening, is curious.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_01: You're not rushing, but the idea of companionship is starting to feel a little interesting again.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, and then there's a third woman.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_01: She's thinking, I'm ready.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_01: If that's you, this series is going to help you navigate this next chapter with clarity and confidence.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_01: Because wherever you are today, it's the right place for you.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_01: And do not let anybody tell you anything else.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_01: So in the next episode, we're gonna be we're gonna be talking about the part that will probably make you laugh: dating apps, profiles, ghosting, breadcrumb chrombing.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_01: These were things that I had to learn.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_01: They were crazy.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_01: It's absolutely hilarious about some of the things that are out there now.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, this is like 40 years ago that I started, that I first was dating and how it's changed now.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_01: And and of course, and how modern dating, like I said, is completely different from the world many of us remember.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_01: But before you go, I want to leave you with this thought.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes the bravest decision isn't going on a date.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes the bravest decision is simply admitting to yourself that your life isn't over, that there may still be love waiting for me.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_01: And that possibility alone is such a beautiful place to begin.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_01: So thank you for listening today, and I will see you on the next episode of My Sexy Menopause Body.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: This is your time to own your power.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: Rewrite the rules and show up unapologetically.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: Because sexy doesn't expire.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: You define it.