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Three Fundamental Keys To Empathetic Communication · Speak In Flow

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  Melinda Lee: Hello, welcome to another Speak In Flow podcast,
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  I'm so glad you're here today, we are going to delve into an
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  important topic, especially for my heart centre leaders out
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  there. You care about your relationships, you care about
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  the people that are around you. And so this is about
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  negotiations. And not just negotiations, any type, we're
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  talking about negotiations with empathy, negotiating with heart.
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  And this is crucial, especially for your relationships. Let's
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  face it, even if you think you're not negotiating you are,
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  you're negotiating with your clients, your your manager, your
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  colleague, and those kids. Those kids are really good
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  negotiators. And so when we think about these people that we
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  are talking to having Crucial Conversations with, we're
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  negotiating, and these relationships are important to
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  us. They're not just people that we see coming in, in our lives,
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  they're in your life. And so when the relationship is
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  important, and it matters, this is where negotiating with
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  empathy will really help you. And so what is negotiating with
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  empathy, negotiating with empathy is leading with a
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  genuine curiosity of the other person's opinion, genuine
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  understanding, really trying to understand the other person's
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  opinion, and valuing the relationship over your position.
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  And when you can do that, I promise you, you can find
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  alternative outcomes. And that's what we're going to dive into
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  today. Because I know that is difficult relationships and
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  communications can be difficult. And negotiating with somebody
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  that has a completely different perspective is challenging,
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  because you want what you want, the other person wants what they
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  want. And then so we go into negotiating fighting for what we
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  want. And as heart centred leaders, when there's a conflict
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  like that, more often than not, we will tend to shy away, we
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  will tend to avoid it, not try to go there, acquiesce and then
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  we end up feeling resentful on the inside. So that doesn't feel
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  good, that doesn't help us feel empowered. That's not an
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  appropriate approach. And and when it lasts for too long, what
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  ends up happening, we end up getting built up, our emotions
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  get built up, and then we explode. So then we go on the
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  opposite side of violence, and we start yelling and behaving
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  and speaking in a way that does not resonate with us. And that's
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  not who we are. That's not who we want to show up as. So it's
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  either acquiesced or being violent, those both are not
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  negotiating with empathy. And it doesn't generate Win Win
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  outcomes, as you know. So how do we get back to negotiating with
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  empathy, and it's more important than ever, in our world today,
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  that we learn how to do this, we need to be able to have more
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  relationships, we need to be able to have connections, and we
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  want better outcomes. We want Win Win outcomes that keep the
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  relationship intact. So this is what this is how we do it.
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  Here's three key fundamental things that you want to
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  remember. The first is, start with heart. Yes, starting with
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  heart. So going into your own heart and mind and making it a
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  point to lead and listen with your heart value the
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  relationship first. So it all starts with you, you make a
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  commitment to value the relationship on your end. And
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  keep that commitment saying, you know, this relationship is more
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  important than this position sometimes. Or it's more
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  important that I keep this relationship so that I'll keep
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  on talking to this person until we find a win win outcome. I
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  know that it's out there. So starting with your own heart,
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  and your mindset, making that commitment, then I'm going to go
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  into this negotiation, and really try my best to understand
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  the other person's perspective and suspend judgement. This is
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  the key point. I know it's hard, because a lot of times we want
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  to go in to judge and this is going to take me to my next
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  point, which is listen with presence, listening with both
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  ears. How many times are we listening and we're just
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  listening with one ear and then we're thinking about what to say
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  we're criticising what the person is saying or we're
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  judging it. That's really not listening with presence.
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  Listening with presence is really a suspending our own
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  thoughts, our own judgement and really getting curious about
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  what the person is seeing, getting curious about where it's
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  coming from the asking the right questions to find out where this
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  person is coming from. And then also listening for the words,
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  look for their body language, focus on their body language
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  that will give you a lot of information about where the
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  person is coming from. And so listening to the feelings
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  underneath shoes, not just the words, and I'll give you an
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  example. The other day, I am at home, and I was cooking dinner
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  with the family. And I was thinking about a couple of
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  things. And I wanted to go to the shower, and my dad walks in,
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  and he's like, Hey, can I help? And I said, sure, hey, can you
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  put the vegetables, remainder of the vegetables into the pot, and
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  he got frustrated, if you said, you're not thinking this pot is
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  not big enough for the remainder of the vegetables, I immediately
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  got triggered, because I don't like it when people tell me that
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  I am not thinking because it makes me feel stupid, especially
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  because my dad in the past used to say that I'm not smart
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  enough, I immediately get triggered, and I get frustrated.
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  I'm like, it's an easy fix. Let's just go get the pan and
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  replace the vegetables with the bigger pan was not difficult. So
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  I raised my voice. And then he stormed out of the kitchen and
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  left. I went to go take a shower. And then I I paused. I
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  was thinking about it. It then occurred to me that he was just
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  wanting me to be more present. He wasn't saying that I was
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  stupid, it occurred to me that he just didn't have the proper
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  words, he just wanted me to just be there with him to cook.
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  Right, he wanted me to be more present with him. And so not
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  just focusing on the words, but his underlying feeling of what
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  he was trying to tell me, gave me a huge clue. So then I went
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  back and I told him, I said, it was not what I meant to do, it
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  was not my intention to get upset. And so let's go back and
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  cook I value that we can cook together. And so we did, he he,
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  we went back to the kitchen and all as well. So this also leads
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  me into the last point, which is speak with empathy. When you
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  speak, speak with a collaborative mindset that your
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  relationship matters first. And so using inclusive words like I
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  value our relationship, how're we, I know that you have had
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  some concern, and so have I, I would like to have a chat,
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  because I value our relationship, I really am
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  genuinely interested and understanding where you're
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  coming from. And so that opens up a sense of safety. So using
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  these type of words that will draw the person in. So they
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  don't feel like they have to constantly defend their position
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  when both parties are defending their position. And you're only
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  trying to get your way or the other person's wants to get
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  their way, then you're staying surface level. Just reminding
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  yourself that the relationship is more important, and going
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  down a little bit lower. Besides just the position, there's
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  another concept that I want you to know is going down into the
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  interest. When you value the relationship, you're going to
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  genuinely want to hear the other person's side and then commit to
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  finding out the other person's interest. And then letting the
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  person know that you are there to find a third option. There's
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  more than two options. There's three or four or five. So I'll
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  give you an example. If you want to go to Italian restaurant, and
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  the other person wants to go to a Japanese restaurant, that's a
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  position. And it seems like there's just two ways. But then
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  if you dig deeper and you ask questions, and you genuinely
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  want to learn about where the person's coming from, you can
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  ask them Hey, I hear that you want to go to a Japanese
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  restaurant. I said that you're upset that you want to go so let
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  them know that you've heard it.
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  And what else can we do? What else can we do? Where else can
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  we go? What is the reason why you want to go to the Japanese
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  restaurant? Well, I want to eat healthy Italian food is greasy.
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  It's it's disgusting. It's too oily for me. And for on my end.
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  If you wanted to go to the Italian restaurant, your
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  interest was just hey, I just want to spend time with you. I
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  just wanted to eat some salad. I liked the salad salad at the
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  Italian restaurant. Perhaps you You can go find another
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  restaurant a third option that satisfies both of your
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  interests, the underlying interest of why you wanted the
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  position in the first place. But that requires that you're just
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  not buying for your position, and really going in with the
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  genuine curiosity of the other person. And then belief that
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  there is a third option out there. And so when you commit to
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  that, and you speak with language like that, to allow and
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  let the person know that there is a third option, there are
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  other opportunities are other interests and other
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  possibilities, then the person feels safe, and you can both get
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  a win win outcome. And not just a win win outcome, but your
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  relationship is connected. It's your there's trust. And that is
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  what is most important. By the time we're done on this earth,
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  we remember how we have felt with people, we remember all the
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  good times. So let's have more experiences like that have more
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  experiences where we can navigate these difficult times,
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  with a genuineness with the ability to also communicate our
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  true feelings. So that we can both understand each other
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  better, both feel more connected, both build stronger
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  relationships. And that is what negotiating with empathy does.
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  And so remember, the next time you're gonna go into an
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  important conversation, remember the three key fundamental steps,
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  which is speak of start with your heart, commit to the
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  relationship, commit to valuing the other person or
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  understanding the other person's perspective, to listen with
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  presence, listen, with refraining judgement, listen, by
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  truly trying to understand. And then third, speak with empathy,
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  speak with your heart, speak with inclusive language, know
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  that you can find a third option, it's out there. Third,
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  fourth, lots of possibilities. It's available to you, as long
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  as you're managing your own state, managing your emotions,
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  and continuing to remind yourself that that relationship
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  is more important. And when you do that, I am pretty sure that
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  the other person will also feel that and they're going to be
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  more open to also finding out other possibilities out there
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  with you. And so when you can both do that together, you're
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  going to have more fruitful, meaningful relationships, a
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  happier life and make more positive impact in the worlds
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  and so together we can make a positive change. If you've liked
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  this episode, I want you to just write a feed some feedback for
• 13:07
  me, give me a good rating and I appreciate you until we meet.
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  Speak in flow, speak with your heart and lead lead with
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  confidence and courage.