Latest / Friendship IRL: Real Talk About Friendship, Community, and What It Actually Takes / What Actually Happens When You Move Next Door to Your Best Friends? with The Friendhood

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What Actually Happens When You Move Next Door to Your Best Friends? with The Friendhood · Friendship IRL: Real Talk About Friendship, Community, and What It Actually Takes

• 0:00
  Podcast Intro/Outro: All right, gang. Here's to nights that turn into mornings and friends that turn into family. Cheers. Hello, hello, and welcome to the Friendship IRL podcast. I'm your host, Alex Alexander. Each week we talk about what is working(and what is not) in our friendships, community and connections. Have you ever wished you could sit down and have a conversation about what is really going on in your friendships? Well, you found your people. Join us as we dive into real life stories and explore new ways to approach these connections. Together, we're reimagining the rules of friendship
• 0:58
  Alex Alexander [Narration]: I feel like we've all seen a video like this, right? Somebody posts a video about friends moving into the same building, buying houses on the same street, turning some piece of land into their own little compound, and it goes viral every time, without fail. I swear, and I get it, because I am sending those videos to my friends too. We have had the conversations about buying a building together and living on different floors.
• 1:22
  Alex Alexander [Narration]: We've talked about finding houses on the same street. We have a whole running joke about how we will all someday end up in the same retirement home, just together like we always planned. I think a lot of us carry this dream around, this quiet aspirational some day, someday we'll live closer, someday we'll make it happen, someday we'll just stop sending each other videos about it and actually do it well. Today's guests, they did it. Meet The Friendhood, Erin Kelly, Kristi, and Sarabeth, four women in Atlanta, who didn't just dream about this, they actually built it. And today, two of them, Kelly and Kristi, are here to pull back the curtain on what it actually looks like to live on their street. Here's how the story started. Sarabeth and her husband found a new development in Atlanta and picked out a lot, they were starting a family and planting roots. Kelly, who had already been living pretty close to Sarabeth since 2014 went along to tour the development just to be supportive. And then she texted Sarabeth and said,"Hey, do you think it would be weird if I also put an offer on a lot around the corner?" And Sarabeth said absolutely not, so now we have Sarabeth and her husband and Kelly just around the corner. Fast forward a few years and their friend Erin is going through some life changes, open to a fresh start, open to a new home. Someone in the group joked that the house directly across the street from Sarabeth had just become available, and then someone said, "Wait, but what if?" And those "what if" conversations have a way of turning into something real sometimes, because Erin moved in directly across the street from Sarabeth. Then the house next door to Sarabeth opened up, not around the corner, not across the street next door, like you could have a shared backyard.
• 3:24
  Alex Alexander [Narration]: Kristi went and looked at the house, had some real conversations with herself and with Kelly, who she called for an objective opinion before telling anyone else. And then she decided she was going to do it. That is the moment Kristi moving in, Kelly's in on the surprise. The whole crew is in the car now. They're going to live within a block of each other, and they recorded telling the other two that everybody was going to live on the same street, and that video went viral, and I mean mega viral, because people watched it and they felt something, the joy was real for women who had chosen each other on purpose over and over again, and it showed, but here's what I kept thinking about when I saw that video, I love this, but what happens after the viral video? What does their everyday life look like?
• 4:24
  Alex Alexander [Narration]: What happens when you share a backyard and you disagree about something? What happens when someone needs space and you literally live next door? What happens when life gets complicated and your closest friends are your neighbors?
• 4:37
  Alex Alexander [Narration]: Today, Kelly and Kristi are here to answer all of it, the boundaries, the hard conversations, the chosen family dynamics, the moments where it is everything you dreamed of, and the moments where it requires real intentional work.
• 4:50
  Alex Alexander [Narration]: This is one of those episodes you're going to want to send your friend if you've ever sent them the whole let's move next.
• 4:57
  Alex Alexander [Narration]: To each other, real or TikTok, so go ahead, fire this episode up, and let's dive in.
• 5:08
  Alex Alexander: Hi Kelly, Hi Kristi. Thank you so much for being here to represent The Friendhood.
• 5:15
  Kelly Holbin: We're excited to be here, excited to talk to you.
• 5:18
  Alex Alexander: When people meet you, like in this capacity, I guess. Do people recognize you off your viral video? Because when you all reached out about being on the podcast, immediately I knew what video you were from. I had definitely seen it.
• 5:37
  Kelly Holbin: I think it depends on what space we're in, and then I think we have people in our lives that maybe didn't know that we had posted it, and we'll be like, oh my gosh, I saw your video, it's come across my feed like 50 times.
• 5:49
  Kristi W.: Yeah, we'll be in random spots, and it's hilarious, because women will come up to us and like, oh my gosh, we've seen your guys' videos and your Instagram page and are following along, and that just brings a lot of joy to our hearts, just because it's just a feel-good story, and when people are talking about it, the smiles on their face, they're like, oh my gosh, so yeah, we're definitely not used to that part of it, but it's definitely, it's a great feeling too.
• 6:12
  Alex Alexander: Yeah, it's kind of weird to be an internet person again. Yeah, I get people who come up and people have, like, listened to the podcast, and they, they know so much about me, and they're always like, this is so weird, because I know so much about you. I'm like, it's okay, just like, catch me up, you know? Can you give me a few details about you,
• 6:30
  Kelly Holbin: right?
• 6:32
  Alex Alexander: And then it will dive in. It's great, but I understand why you went viral.
• 6:36
  Alex Alexander: I'm sure, knowing how the algorithm works, that I mean, 1000s, 10s of 1000s of people sent your video to their friends, and we're like, this is how happy we could be if we all moved next to each other.
• 6:57
  Kristi W.: I think it's people really reacted to, because you can tell it's authentic, you know. It was just a day. Kelly just decided to video. I was just excited about his surprise, and so I loved the reaction. I didn't really think about if there would be a different reaction, so I'm very happy that they reacted the way they did.
• 7:13
  Kristi W.: But people really, I think it spoke to people because they felt like it was just actual joy.
• 7:20
  Alex Alexander: Yeah, so I think when you posted that video, that was like the fourth member moving to the same street. Can you tell us a little bit more about, like, before the video was posted? Right, we got three people who have now moved here.
• 7:37
  Alex Alexander: How did that even happen?
• 7:39
  Kelly Holbin: Absolutely, so Sarabeth and I had been in the same neighborhood and down the street for over 10 years.
• 7:46
  Kelly Holbin: Sarabeth and her husband were actually the first to stumble upon a new development in Atlanta. I went to go just to support, there wasn't even homes being like building at the time, but there were just lots. So I ended up texting her, I'm like,"Do you think it's weird that I might also buy a lot around the corner, and she's like, "Oh my gosh, no, I would love it. And we talked a little bit about what that might look like, and she's married and had a baby on the way, and it was one of those scenarios where we felt safety in numbers of knowing, like, okay, we're gonna both be first-time homebuyers, kind of together, and it felt very, I think, organic and authentic for us to do this life together.
• 8:24
  Kelly Holbin: Fast forward eight years or so, a place across the street from Sarabeth became open, and one of our besties was going through a little bit of a transition and needed a change of an environment. Jokingly, Sarabeth had mentioned, well, the house across the streets available, and we all kind of like an awkward, but then we're like, wait a minute, but what if, and so those what if conversations we just started to lean in a little bit more, and so Erin moved in directly across the street from Sarabeth, and then the home next door became open to Sarabeth, and Sarabeth was definitely like Kristi, you should move in next door.
• 9:03
  Kristi W.: Well, and I had been looking for a place, so I had been looking in the neighborhood, but so when it opened, I was like, oh, maybe, and I looked at it, and I was like, I don't know, but the thought of living next to friends and having the community was definitely a selling point for me. Also, a little bit scary, so I thought, because it was right next door, we share our backyard, so it's like something happens, you know, she's right there, and so I called Kelly, and was like,"Hey, help me, like, do you think this is a good idea? So it was totally a surprise, because I didn't want peer pressure from Erin or Sarabeth, so I called Kelly, because I knew she'd be an objective third party, and kind of talked me through it, so we, she knows the dynamic of the relationship. We've all been friends for a really long time, so being able to talk through, like, okay, what happens if we get mad at each other? How do we, you know, is that going to be crazy to live right next door? Like, how do we deal with that? So we talked through it a little bit ourselves, and I just decided, well, if it's meant to be, I put an offer in, and here we are.
• 9:59
  Alex Alexander: So, what? What are some of the things that you, I guess, like thought through as potential negatives that were kind of keeping you just on the back foot a little bit, just thinking like this sounds dreamy, but also let's think about the reality
• 10:16
  Kelly Holbin: here. I think the thing for me and Kelly might have separate thought for me. It was more of I didn't want to ruin the relationship, like we had such a good friendship, and we were close, and you know, did a lot of things together, but you know, sometimes in certain people it's not the right thing to move next door, to live the more you spend time with them, maybe it's a little bit challenging, and it challenges that relationship, so we always had spent time together, but I was a little bit worried about what happens if does this have any impact on the relationship.
• 10:47
  Kelly Holbin: So that was kind of the questions I asked Kelly, but we talked about it and talked about, I mean, we traveled together, we've had conflict, we've been able to walk through that and resolve it in a good way
• 11:00
  Kristi W.: and talk through everything, so it was a concern, but not a huge one. It was just, hey, how, what do you think about this?
• 11:07
  Kelly Holbin: I don't think this is for everybody, to be honest with you. I think that questions to ask yourself really is, are you able to put yourself in uncomfortable, you know, places and manage a good conversation with a friend or family member, because this is a choice, and it's a long-term choice, and a decision that needs to be made, and you need to understand, are you self-aware the growth opportunities that you may have, and also your friendship, and who you might be in proximity to. So, I don't know if length of friendship really matters outside of experience doing life alongside of that friendship, so managing conflict, traveling together multiple times, I think, is important in both group settings and maybe one on one, in which we've all done prior to making these life altering decisions, and also knowing our boundaries, understanding personalities, how we manage our moods, our cycles, like there's a lot that goes through it, and we've actually managed a lot of different life changes together too. And so we need to be able to understand the space, given not everyone needs to be on this growth journey. Sometimes people are like, I'm good right here, I'm to support you because you're on this journey over here, and there's times where we're going to all link arms and do something all together as well, when it comes just to growth, and you know, whether if it's spiritual or if it's, you know, job hunting, all that good stuff that happens, and when you're in friendships over for 20 years, so
• 12:37
  Alex Alexander: yeah, I just, there's so much vulnerability that maybe people aren't thinking about. Believe me, I would love to live like we have friends who joke about someday like buying a building together and all living on different floors, right, and having like a shared common space, moving to a compound, buying houses in the same neighborhood, like my friends are also having this conversation, and I think so many people are, but when I think about your situation, what happens if one of you is like a workaholic and you're coming home from work at midnight every night and your friends notice, and they maybe never would have noticed if they didn't live across the street from you and see that all your lights are never on and now they're asking you about that and you maybe don't want to confront the fact that you're working all the time or you share a backyard and you want to put some trees in and they're gonna disrupt the other person's yard and like you now have to have a conversation as if it's shared space, because it kind of is like there's just so many potential layers. So, I get why you're saying travel,
• 13:52
  Kristi W.: yeah,
• 13:52
  Alex Alexander: because I do think that is the closest comparison, other than just like being roommates.
• 13:57
  Kelly Holbin: Yeah,
• 13:57
  Alex Alexander: you can get the
• 13:59
  Kristi W.: other thing that's important is having some boundaries, so what you're talking about there, it's we have pretty good boundaries and allow space, so the misconception is that we are always together all of the time, and we're not. I mean, yes, we live close, and it's great, because you know, if I need to, I can call on one of them, but we also have separate lives, and to do, we all work different jobs, we're very busy, and those boundaries help make a safe space where you don't have to worry about, oh, it's too much, I'm always with this person.
• 14:30
  Alex Alexander: Yeah, I mean, what happens if one of you is throwing a party that the other people maybe weren't invited to, and I'm just throwing this out there for other people like you guys probably, how you navigate this, but if you're having, you're inviting all your coworkers over, and then your friends across the street see that you're having a party, and they're like, wait, why wasn't I invited to that?
• 14:52
  Kelly Holbin: Honestly, that's an easy thing. None of us, we, I think some of us younger, we had some FOMO, but we're more now at the age where. Like, don't invite me, because it's like it's fine, but like, I don't want to talk
• 15:04
  Alex Alexander: to your co-workers. Yeah, I'm good.
• 15:06
  Kelly Holbin: However, it is. We also understand the importance of, like, your friendships one on one, two on one. The more you add to a dynamic is just going to change that dynamic, and so if it is absolutely okay if someone has a different type of friend group over, we know how special it is for us to manage, and we want to give that same courtesy for others, especially for coworkers. And honestly, there's also a time where if we're going to have, you know, someone's birthday at my home, and we're going to have an intimate dinner, and then I typically would probably offer it, 'Hey, you guys are more than welcome to come over after 10pm or you know, we might be meeting here when it is an open invitation, but we definitely will say out loud, like, what we're doing and what we're not doing, and everyone is absolutely on board, because we like that same courtesy back when we've got different plans going on.
• 15:56
  Alex Alexander: Yeah, I love how you're talking about being supportive of the individual relationships and the relationships outside of this foursome friendship. I hadn't intended to go here, but actually this is like such a prime example. How could I not?
• 16:10
  Alex Alexander: But I talk a lot about how you know you have the four of you and people kind of see you as a group, but really that group is built on individual relationships between all of you, can you talk about a little bit about your experience with that, and how you navigate that?
• 16:28
  Alex Alexander: I know that's like a big question for so many people, they kind of assume that if you are a group, you are doing like everything together, and when I talk about how me and my friends are almost like cheering each other on if two people go off and do something because they got solo time.
• 16:46
  Kelly Holbin: Oh yeah,
• 16:47
  Alex Alexander: people think I'm crazy.
• 16:49
  Kelly Holbin: Well, I'll be honest, I think in the very beginning, depending on relationships, we want to make sure everyone processes being included differently, and I think there was a moment where I don't think it was before we moved in, proximity wise, but Kristi and I've been friends for over, over 20 years. We kind of grew up together in our early 20s, and so our dynamic is a little bit different than Sarabeth and I's dynamic, where we've been friends for since 2008 also a very long time. But how precious it is, and if I'm not there to support Sarabeth and Kristi, is I love that. That is to your, my point, we have to make sure that if it's not me, then I'm glad that you have someone to talk to, because that is what real love and real support feels like. But it took a moment where I think it's sometimes our like unspoken rule is, if there's three or more people going, then I think the invitation should be extended to making sure an FYI is there, but if it's a one on one, and that to me can be sacred, and it can be like, hey, Kristi and I are going to go to dinner, and we don't have to tell the world, it's fine, but if there's the third person going, then I think the invitation should be extended and are a courtesy, but we also have to your point friendships outside of that that live just two miles down the road and three miles down the road, and so we want to be cautious that just because we're always kind of conveniently together that we're making time, that we're opening up the door for either invitations or peeling off our quality time with other friend groups as well, because it's important,
• 18:21
  Kristi W.: I think, too.
• 18:21
  Kristi W.: Sometimes I love that we are open, and we will invite, but sometimes, like, I might intentionally say, "No, you take your time and you go be with those people. I don't need to be around every time you have people over. And so I kind of have intentionally done that, and not because anybody made me feel a certain way. Just in my mind, I know it's important to be able to have one on one time, so I'm okay with even if I can hear a thing on my back door, because they're sitting on their back porch. I'll just turn my TV up a little bit
• 18:52
  Alex Alexander [Narration]: real quick. If you just heard that and thought, wait, I really would like to dive more into how individual friendships work inside a friend group. I haven't covered. I got multiple episodes about this. They'll all be linked in the show notes. The first one is Episode 14, which is where I kind of talk. It's kind of like my friend group 101 episode. I talk about all the different dynamics that come with a friend group. Then we have Episode 42 where I interview Brandi Cambrick about a real-life friend trio that she has, and again, individual dynamics - it still applies to friend groups, even though it's just about a trio. Then I have Episode 149 This is a solo episode that I did, and it's titled Why We Should All Want Our Friends to have robust social lives, even if it's without us. And then, of course, I would be remiss if I didn't mention Episode 100 which is my wheel of connection episode.
• 19:50
  Alex Alexander [Narration]: It's just like a foundational episode. It'll help you think about the dynamics within a friend group. All of these episodes are going to give you more length. Language, a little more of a framework, and honestly, you might walk away with just more security when it comes to navigating friend group dynamics, and actually cheering your friends on when they go off and do their own thing. I think that you know, especially in the day and age of social media, and you guys have created this, this unit that people might get a certain perception, you know, people get that about me too.
• 20:29
  Alex Alexander [Narration]: Similarly, it's like, oh, okay, you have this like one group of friends, it's like, no, I also have so many individual friends outside of that, where my closest friends know who these people are, maybe they've met them, maybe they haven't. They know who their names are, they know maybe some things that we've done together, but they're also like, yeah, go have dinner with Alex, go do this, and you can get this perception, though, when you talk about a certain group on the internet, like, oh, it's just that group, and that is like the number one priority, and that's not necessarily the case,
• 21:05
  Kelly Holbin: essentially not at all, because we, we, although live in proximity, but may not, we might be weeks where we might not actually spend good quality time together, just because of schedules and travel, and and we might see each other sometimes in passing, but that's not always the case, but of course, on the internet we post, you know, things in our draft, real life items, post items, pre item, you know, all the things, and it does look like we're always together, and we're always frolicking, only with us four, and that is not at all the truth, nor do we want it to necessarily be that way, because the dynamic can change in such a beautiful way when you add other diverse thought to the group.
• 21:45
  Alex Alexander: Well, I love that we are peeling back the layers, because we all know this, like we know this is important, but I also know we have people who watch our content, listen to this podcast, and they just have this assumption, and I want them to know, like, that's we're all way more dynamic than what shows up on the internet, even if that's not like the majority of the content you see, so don't box yourself in like that, that's what I want to people.
• 22:13
  Kelly Holbin: Yeah,
• 22:13
  Alex Alexander: so another layer that you all have is Sarabeth is married and has a kiddo, right?
• 22:25
  Kelly Holbin: Yes. Can
• 22:26
  Alex Alexander: we talk a little bit about, like, partners and families and, like, adding that dynamic into this, and what that looks like?
• 22:35
  Kelly Holbin: Sure. So, Erin also has a little boy as well.
• 22:39
  Kelly Holbin: So, Erin and Sarabeth both have little boys that are around the same age, 10 and 12, and I do think the dynamic there, when it comes to anti life for Kristi and I. Kristi is, I'm gonna give her her flowers, but she is acts of service is her love language, and she is always just literally one step away, but not even before she lived next door in thought, she's always one step away. So, being able to provide that level of safety and security, and just support for that dynamic, when it comes to raising kids, you know that you're not alone, and that also Sarabeth is married, and so her husband, I think, manages our personalities very, very well.
• 23:23
  Kelly Holbin: He's extremely laid back. He provides a lot of the cooking, so he will be in the background doing his thing, and I think he almost enjoys not having to be the one always entertaining his family life, because it's we're coming over and we can provide, you know, what do you need help with, either family or house or yard or therapy sessions, or whatever the case may be. We definitely have support for the entire family unit, and that, to me, I think, is extremely important when we're introducing something as forever as either a husband or spouse or a child. It is now we're praying over that unit as a whole, and so we want to make sure that that unit stays very strong, and our loyalty is to the unit, versus your wife is now my friend, right? So now it is we pour into that dynamic first and foremost, and we want to make sure that we're always knowing that that relationship comes first, regardless, because we would want the same level of support once we do introduce our future husbands to the group dynamic.
• 24:29
  Kristi W.: Yeah, and I think at the end of the day it's like family, and so it's kind of like, I mean, they're our nephews, they are, and you know, he is our brother-in-law, essentially, right? And so it really does feel like that family of the support is just like you would your actual sister and you know your actual nephews
• 24:49
  Alex Alexander: I very much understand this in the sense of like my husband was kind of the like og boyfriend back in the day and a lot of my. My close female friends are actually like pretty darn close to equally as close to him, and he's like ridden that out the entire time.
• 25:04
  Alex Alexander: And when you were saying that, you know, you Sarabeth's husband actually maybe enjoys it, because when we have had friends who maybe have like lived with us for a couple months at a time, say he had a breakup or they were in a transition or something. My husband jokes it's like the best time, because everybody comes home from work, and not that I'm entertained, but I'm just like in my element.
• 25:31
  Alex Alexander: I'm like, so happy to have our friends around, and he can kind of play the side character. He's still active and engaged and hanging out and whatever, but it's just like less pressure on one person all the time to, to be honest, to be, yeah, be the conversation, like, how was your day? Oh, the exact same as yesterday.
• 25:51
  Kelly Holbin: Yeah,
• 25:51
  Alex Alexander: cool. You know, it's like it just mixes it up.
• 25:53
  Alex Alexander: It's, it's different. I love that the chosen family piece is something I talk a lot on here.
• 26:00
  Alex Alexander: I also call my friends' kids my nieces and nephews, and I think of a good number of friends as like sister in law, brother in law, and it's just like a mindset in my mind. It's like a commitment to if things get really hard, I'm gonna work really hard to repair, because I don't really see it as optional, which I think is kind of how you all feel about it. Can you talk a little bit about that?
• 26:26
  Kristi W.: Yeah, I mean, I think the biggest thing is with family, you feel you know you can mess up and they still love you, and they can mess up and you still love them. You might have something to want, but at the end of the day, you don't have to worry about, oh, they're not going to talk to me ever again, because I said something, or you know, no mistake, that I'm going to do is going to be big enough for them to totally walk away. So I think it's that comfort of knowing that they're there and that they love you through all of your ugly, all of your good, all of it.
• 26:57
  Kelly Holbin: I think, do we also understand intent is extremely impactful when we have moods and swings and hormone changes and life changes, it can go up and down and round and round, and I think one is we're all committed, one to like our faith. Faith is our foundation of at the end of the day, no one is perfect, and our intent is to love and to support, but we also know that we're all growing inside of, like, oh gosh, I got some things to work on, and so we also hold each other accountable, and I think we don't let things fester for more than I think there's that golden rule, if you're thinking about this five minutes from now, then maybe you should talk about it the next day, we don't try not to let things fester for too long, but we also, we don't need to immediately correct someone, because gosh, we would never stop talking or moving the needle around that, but we always think about intent, is everything okay in her life?
• 27:51
  Kelly Holbin: Have I noticed that there's been stressful moments, there's things going on at work, there's things going on like outside projects, and then we always ask about ourselves next, so is anything going on with me? Am I extra sensitive right now? Like, you know, I check my flow app, like, oh, I'm still normal. It's just, it's just that time, right? And so those things are extremely important. And when we work through, like, those steps of intent, is there, is she okay? Am I okay? Then is this something that I need to bring attention to, then that's something that we do, and so we have conversations, and I think all of us, we have to make sure that the person's ready to receive what we might need to talk about, and I think there's a dynamic of being super direct is this lovely attribute, which I do agree, but if you are just going to be direct and not being able to influence someone receiving your information, that is ultimately where the sweet spot lies, and so if someone's going to immediately take defense to it, then you might need to like figure out the best time to approach a different, a difficult conversation, or something that maybe hurt your feelings that you want to address in an appropriate way, but not pushing things under the rug, because what we know that can kill any relationship is resentment. So we definitely try to nip that in the bud asap.
• 29:07
  Alex Alexander: This is so perfectly timed, because I just did an episode on repair with a therapist, and we talked all
• 29:37
  Alex Alexander [Narration]: If what Kelly and Kristi said about not letting things fester with your friends is hitting you, and about how resentment is one of the biggest killers of you're like, yeah, but how do I do that? I love it, because I have an episode you got to go fire up. Head to the show notes, find episode 176 with Colette Jane Fair. The episode is titled
• 29:56
  The Cost of Quiet: How to Stop Avoiding Conflict and Have Those friendship, and you know, you just kind of let it slide, and Conversations. Colette it as a licensed therapist, and she comes to you with actual scripts that you can plug your own feelings and problems into, and she tells you, like, here is what to say, here is how you bring this up, here is what to think about before you have this conversation. It's an amazing it builds up, and it builds up, and it builds up, and you have companion episode, the one that you're listening to right now.
• 30:26
  Alex Alexander: When you, it sounds like, are you know, just having little conversations often if necessary to relieve the pressure. Can you talk a little bit about how I mean, now we have four people who maybe witnessed the thing or saw the like this volcano explosion that often ends friendships.
• 30:41
  Alex Alexander: thing or had their own feelings about how the conversation went down. Can you talk a little bit about how you navigate that conflict when really it's just maybe two of you that need to talk to each other, but there is a dynamic of four.
• 30:58
  Kristi W.: I think we know each other really well by this point, right, and the one thing I will say about this friend group is that we all are pretty emotionally intelligent. I may have a thought process, but we will, we know how to approach each other and have the right conversations, to Kelly's point earlier. And so, if we're all there and you see that I had a bad day and I said something out of turn and it wasn't okay to Kelly's point, we might decide to give grace, but also we take the time to kind of try to think about what's going on, and then we'll address it, and I don't need to address something that happened between Kelly and Sarahbeth or Kelly and Erin now if they want to talk to me because I was there, I'm also going to be very objective, I'm not going to just what I think, I'm going to, because I know the dynamic of the relationship, so I'm going to try to steer it to what I would want someone to sell me and hold me accountable for.
• 31:48
  Kelly Holbin: I think another powerful piece is that we don't gossip about, we try not to gossip about anybody, but sometimes, but especially between the four of us, or friendships in general, right?
• 31:58
  Kelly Holbin: We might gossip about celebrities or something else that doesn't really, you know, impact our lives. If we were all in a dynamic and we witness something happen between two individuals, an individual or two may come to one of us and just be able to talk out loud, and we have to have that open space and trust in each other to say, I'm going to be objective, I'm then going to always point you in the position on how to fix it and not how to feel something that is either fear or insecurity related that can also drive the wedge even deeper so we have a responsibility to each other where if I was in an argument or even a tiff or miscommunication with either Sarahbeth or Erin I would hope they would choose Kristi or Sarabeth or Erin to navigate that conversation, like talk out loud, and so our role is to say, well, she has this going on, or have you thought about this question, or here's how I would maybe approach a situation, let me know how I can support, and we try to back out, so we're not feeling ganged up on, we're not feeling like they know more information than they should. It is definitely a little bit of a vault scenario. In a, again, the intent is being productive in conversation and not fueling anything that could be festering, as in, oh yeah, she was crazy that day, right? Oh gosh, can you believe it? Versus like, I hear you. Yeah, it was, you know, I think she's a little bit stressed out, little right now, but let's figure out how we can fix this.
• 33:22
  Alex Alexander: Yeah, as you were talking about, I was thinking like productive was the word that kept coming to mind for me, like the goal is repair, you want everybody to find repair, and so whatever conversation you are having is like in service to that repair, hopefully, and not pushing like beyond that, or influencing beyond that, or telling anyone what they should or shouldn't feel. Yeah, that's kind of how I try to navigate as well. In my,
• 33:50
  Kristi W.: yeah, I
• 33:51
  Alex Alexander: would say female friendships, honestly, all friendships, when there's there's conflict, is how are we trying to work towards repair?
• 33:56
  Alex Alexander: That is any conversation beyond that, I'm gonna gracefully bow out.
• 34:02
  Kelly Holbin: Absolutely, yeah.
• 35:10
  Alex Alexander: So, if somebody wanted to move in to do what you all are doing, do any advice for them?
• 35:20
  Kelly Holbin: I would say tread carefully, only because this is a huge decision, and it's not something that should be taken super lightly. It's definitely worth it in my opinion. Overall, like it is with the right friend group, with the right scenarios and boundaries in place, this life, I think, is picking up steam and trending, because we are not meant to do life alone, and our dynamics, whether if it's being in partnerships, if it's relationships, raising kids, either way, community is something that is a choice, and that is our responsibility to cultivate, and what better way is to ensure that you are doing life alongside of some of your closest friends, or friends that can be closest friends, and then the other thing is in. Doesn't have to be large, it just starts with one, one person, and it can be also just getting to know your current neighborhood, and just reaching out. Small actions move the needle tremendously, and we are all in our early 40s, and so it doesn't have to start when you've got long-term relationships. It can start tomorrow as your 40-two year old woman, and you can seek out the same type of level of friendship that you're seeking, for sure it's available to you.
• 36:33
  Alex Alexander: It's never too late,
• 36:34
  Kelly Holbin: never too late.
• 36:35
  Alex Alexander: And for anybody who is maybe in this kind of a situation, do you have any tips for kind of like the day to day navigation of it?
• 36:47
  Kristi W.: I think it's about setting the boundaries, so if you don't have them and setting them together, you can't just put a boundary up and then not tell somebody what your boundary is, right? You need to have those real conversations, and you should be feel comfortable to have those conversations, and then the second would be just be intentional, right? And all relationships need intentionality if you want the relationship to work, and you want, if you want something to be really good relationship, you can't just, it just doesn't happen overnight. You have to both be intentional. So, I think just making sure that you're doing that throughout,
• 37:18
  Kelly Holbin: and there's so many tools available, so not everyone is going to be super direct, not everyone, and some people are going to be more passive. Confrontation could, you know, freak people out, so it's understanding yourself first and foremost, and how you deal with information, and then hopefully partnering with a good friend that will ask. Be curious. Hey, I'm curious, and how you navigate when you feel left out. Can you give us examples what you do when you feel left out, and what leads to that? Because you're either going to find your friendships having ego or insecurity that are being led, and so that understanding how you fit in, and knowing, oh, she likes to be included at all times, or I, for example, love to be disincluded sometimes. So it's just understanding, like, okay, this is interesting. I didn't think about you navigating home life, and your husband, and your child, and I've got a dog, right, and so I have to make sure that if there's a text that's not being answered correctly or immediately, or whatever, it's like giving a tons of grace, but also if you're unsure of how to set boundaries, figure out what tools are available and what questions to ask your friendship, that doesn't obviously have to start living next door to each other, those should be happening now, of like check-ins, like, all right, let's have a, you know, a yearly check-in with our friendship.
• 38:32
  Kelly Holbin: How could I be better? How can I serve you better in my friendship with you? Are there things that are lacking, or what are you curious for? You also be very ready for what that feedback would look like, too.
• 38:45
  Alex Alexander: I love that yearly check-in idea, genius. I mean, curiosity in general, I think, is just so under discussed in friendship. I mean, I am curious, as it sounds like you have all been very curious about each other, and you have lived next to each other for, you know, a decent amount of time. Some of you, at this point, life changes happen, you have different phases. How does that impact curiosity? Because I think sometimes we get very stuck in what we believe about somebody, only to kind of find out they're in a new phase, and then they really are, you know, a different person, or a slightly different version, or something you thought you knew is no longer the case.
• 39:26
  Kristi W.: One of the things I think that's been super helpful for our group is that we all are on a journey of trying to better ourselves, so that we notice it, and so it is easy to get stuck in the label of what you were before, but I think because we all do a lot of self-reflection, that helps us. Now, you're not always going to have that in every friend group that you have, but I do think that that helps us. And then I will say
• 39:51
  one thing: if you notice somebody else working on something, or being curious, or being intentional, you kind of do the same thing, right? Like, it catches on. It's like you surround yourself with people that are doing all these great things, and you start doing all the great things. You surround yourself with people that aren't. You're going to start, you know, they pull you down, so I think that helps us, because we have friends that like Teddy will do self work, and then when I talk to her, she might talk to me about what she's doing, but that makes me want to do it right, it makes me want to better myself, and then be more curious about what she's doing, what's going on, so I do think that's helpful in a group,
• 40:27
  Kelly Holbin: I think also it's kind of your responsibility, because if you've had habits in the past and your friend knows you in a certain way, and now you're trying to change and course prep something, those habits need to like be consistent for that old you to be replaced in your friendships, and so that responsibility is two part is one yourself, you can't say that you're now this type of person, but you're showing up and the actions and your behavior is still the old you living inside my head, but then it's also the act of course correcting of hey I'm trying really hard to not have that be my label anymore, so if you could. It might be even in jokingly, you know, I, there's a joke of like me not liking kids as much of the group, which is I put that label on myself, I joke about it, it's not necessarily true, I love these kids with all my, with all my heart, and I would do anything for them, but there's a moment where I would make that own joke of myself, but I didn't want to be labeled that in the friend group anymore, so I would always have, but again, that's a joke. I'd love for that joke to kind of die and help me help me bury that in the backyard, right? So that responsibility of just good communication and knowing, like, okay, I've been this person for so long, it's gonna take a moment for your habits to change and that new person to evolve into your other friendships, lives, and that's sometimes difficult.
• 41:49
  Kristi W.: One thing that just popped up for me that I think is super important with what Kelly was saying, you have to also be vulnerable enough to tell people you're doing, because I can sit here and work on myself and make changes, maybe you notice it or not, but I think there's something in being vulnerable enough to be like I noticed this about myself. I'm really trying to change it, or this really bugs me that people think of me this way, and I didn't notice it, and so I'm trying to do this. I think that's a really key piece for people to change how they think about you.
• 42:18
  Alex Alexander: Yep, I mean, it is. This is so insightful. I was thinking, too, I was thinking of a friend of mine who actually, Kelly, similarly, kind of in the past has labeled themselves as the one least likely to have kids, the one least interested in being around kids, yada yada yada, and we had a whole conversation about it, and her thing was just that she was comparing herself to everyone else, and everyone else seemed so comfortable, so easy, so this, so that, and so I'm not saying that this is you, I'm just pointing this out to people, like sometimes those labels come out just because you're comparing yourself to everyone else, and then they stick, but really they didn't really hold any truth, but she's around kids all the time, like it made no sense, but it was like her own insecurity, and then similarly, like she just didn't want this label anymore, but shucking it was really hard because it all came from her own, her own feelings.
• 43:23
  Kelly Holbin: Yeah, it's difficult to navigate, because there's a, there's a sense of where, if we're in a restaurant and there's a table that as an adult restaurant and we're gonna get about to get ready to sit next to a table of toddlers I first would be like absolutely not like we have to move and whereas you know other parents would be like Kelly I'm like I'm sorry but I this is not Chuck E Cheese and I did not go out here to spend time with other people's children, and I, that is absolutely, yeah, and I'm also not the first to hold people's babies, and I think I'm just more self-aware now. If you need me to, I will absolutely hold that baby, but I'm not the first to hold your baby, I'm not, I love it, and I love you, but tell me when you're 16, and I will take over. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
• 44:07
  Alex Alexander: yeah, yeah, yeah, but it's hard because these labels, like, get stuck, you know? I mean, I, I have all my labels with my friends, and I'm the friend who I'll be like,'Oh, well, just a short story.
• 44:18
  Alex Alexander: It's never short. There's a reason I have a podcast. Like, I'm always yapping away, and my friends are like, 'Yeah, long story short. Okay, you know, buckle up. Alex is gonna wind our way for five minutes to get to the point, and I don't necessarily want to do that, because I do think I lose them sometimes, and we're all trying our best to change and grow, and but everybody rolls their eyes a little bit when I'm like, well, just real quick,
• 44:51
  Kelly Holbin: yeah, never. We've all got our moments with that too, for sure. Yeah,
• 44:55
  Alex Alexander: yeah, like we're all just trying our best to grow and change. And I was also thinking, when you were talking about, I think about this a lot.
• 44:59
  Alex Alexander: I have this bigger group of friends, and there are different close groups within it. It's about like 30 people, and it's made up of multiple groups, like your group, but it was kind of like mashed together. I think of it more like a community group.
• 45:16
  Alex Alexander: It's kind of how we act. There's some acquaintances in there, and some people are closer than others, and whatever. But when I think about that group, the main thing I think that holds us together is that we are all so committed to growth, and we will forsake our own comfort for somebody else's growth. So, if somebody says they got a new job, or they are packing it up to travel across the world, even if I'm really sad, all of us will kind of initially like we are so excited about somebody's growth that that is really where we put our focus, even if it makes us uncomfortable, and not every group has that. Some people really prioritize. The comfort, I think,
• 46:08
  Kristi W.: when you said that, it just reminded me one of the things I think that's really important when you have a group of friends, and especially girlfriends, it's really celebrating each other is really easy as a female. I think I mean, I'm sure it's easy for men too, but it's not that you don't want to celebrate them, like Kelly and I are married, but that doesn't mean that we celebrate any less any of our friends that have gotten married over the years or had kids or whatever, and so I think it's just making sure that you actually are to your point celebrating somebody for all of the wins and being there through the good and the bad,
• 46:41
  Kelly Holbin: and also the opposite is that we haven't had a wedding, we haven't had baby showers, we haven't had, you know, all these things, and so if you are having friends that haven't had those milestones and may or may not even have those as milestones to that they want to reach, how are you pouring back into your single friends as well? Is extremely important, which I think we do very well, but you also have to say out loud what's important for you, and you know, here's a goal that I'm reaching, and I actually reached it. And if you don't feel like your friend group is sharing their successes with you, I would say that there's probably something wrong in that dynamic, because why are they afraid or keeping it in? They should be, you know, they're coming home to either their friends or their family, their husband, and saying, 'Oh my gosh, I got this promotion, or'I got this, I landed this really good deal, and your friend group is the last to know that there's a reason behind that. So, why are they keeping that so close? Do they not feel supported? Do they want to feel like they need to dim their light? Our job is to make sure everyone's light shines as bright as possible.
• 47:41
  Alex Alexander: Yeah, that's how I try and do it too. And I think sometimes, you know, it's hard, like somebody might get a really exciting opportunity that maybe I wanted, or it's going to impact the amount of time we can spend together, or it's going to change something. I'm not saying that it's all happy for me and that friendship, but like you're saying, I want my friends to live the biggest, brightest, happiest life, and I normally find that on the other side of that change we normally can find a new normal, and it's just as beautiful and exciting, and has so many amazing milestones as what we had before. I try and remember that,
• 48:19
  Kelly Holbin: yeah,
• 48:21
  Alex Alexander: over and over and over again, because we're all trying to grow and change. I mean, we've already kind of talked about if somebody wants to do this, I guess. To close out this episode, I am curious.
• 48:33
  Alex Alexander: Have there been times where you have lived near each other and one or multiple of you, like, have needed more distance, like kind of a break or more boundaries? And if so, how have you navigated that?
• 48:49
  Kristi W.: I don't know that that's really a problem. And then, when we do need distance, it's usually short.
• 48:54
  Alex Alexander: I love it,
• 48:54
  Kristi W.: right? Like, it might be like, "Hey, I need some downtime, and it's not distance from people. Like, I'm probably the one that does the most, where I'm like, "I just need some me time, I need to sit and just be on my couch. Work is crazy, it's very exhausting mentally, so I just.. I don't want to be around anybody, and it's nothing to do with them, but I've never felt like that has ever been an issue for us from a distance standpoint. And I think because we live such busy lives, we don't have a lot of that where it feels like, oh my gosh, all I do is see these women that I love, but oh my gosh, yeah, I
• 49:26
  Kelly Holbin: think that's the key. We don't. our lives are very busy, and we also have separate friend groups too, so there's been tons of weekends where we go and not see each other, but we also have each other's locations, we have a group text, so like we know if people are safe at the end of the day, like you know, and we definitely do a check in of throughout the, hey, I'm gonna have a busy weekend, I'm traveling, I'm gonna back cave it this weekend, you probably won't hear from me, so it's just letting people know, hey, I'm having a rough week, or rough weekend, or I'm gonna come, but I'm gonna be an introvert in the shadows, because, but I want to be alone, but comfortable silence is one of my love languages, so it's just saying it out loud, of like what we need to be thriving versus just survival mode, and we go up and down with that all the time.
• 50:14
  Kristi W.: The one thing I love is when I do need distance, we don't have to have a conversation. Yeah, it's like, oh, okay, it's not a big deal if I say no, I'm gonna sit this one out, I don't, you know, I just need some time to unwind. I've never felt like somebody's like,'Come on, why aren't you coming?
• 50:31
  Kristi W.: Join, what are you doing? Like, it feels very normal to say that, and for people to be like,'Okay, yeah, have fun, and I'll say, 'Have fun to them too. You know, I'm gonna be sitting in my couch having fun. You guys still out and have fun. It's great.
• 50:43
  Alex Alexander: Yeah, I think I have noticed this too, and kind of my bigger friend group. It almost is. it's like depersonalizing it a little bit, like often I think if you were saying, "Well, I'm gonna opt this one out, a lot of people think to themselves, "Oh, they don't want to see me, I'm too much, my party's too much, my yada yada yada, it's like, "No, like Kristi just, yeah, it's not everything about you, like Kristi just want to hang. Out at home, and so
• 51:08
  Kelly Holbin: life is too much.
• 51:08
  Kelly Holbin: It
• 51:10
  Alex Alexander: saves so much mental energy and conflict, and whatever, to just assume that the other person is doing what they need for themselves, and it really has nothing to do with me.
• 51:25
  Kelly Holbin: Yeah,
• 51:25
  Alex Alexander: I definitely think the older I've gotten, the better we all get at that, and the more impactful it is for our friendships.
• 51:32
  Kelly Holbin: Yeah, just the
• 51:32
  Alex Alexander: mental energy that I'm not spending being up in my head thinking about how I did something wrong, that like I didn't do anything wasn't me.
• 51:41
  Kristi W.: No, right? I think we've been putting ourselves in each other's positions where you, you forced yourself to go, and you're like, "Dang it, why am I here? Like, I'm not.. I don't.. I can't get the energy now. I feel I don't want to be the wet blanket in the group.
• 51:53
  Kristi W.: And so you do that once, and you.. you've got your close sisters looking at you like you're like, "You should have just stayed home. That happens once, and then you're like, "You know what? No, it's a complete sentence, and I'm fine. And we are all here for that, because all of us will have take turns in ensuring like we bow out, and there's never a oh gosh, so yeah, it's not about us, it's whatever they need at that time, for sure.
• 52:17
  Alex Alexander: I feel like a lot of that honestly comes back to kind of that chosen family, like trust too, of we all want to be together, like sometimes my own personal needs come first. So I love you all, but
• 52:28
  Kristi W.: yes,
• 52:29
  Alex Alexander: I'm not in the mood today. Yeah, and therefore I'm staying at home.
• 52:35
  Alex Alexander: Well, ladies, thank you so much for coming, and honestly, just giving a behind the scenes of what it looks like in your friendship and in The Friendhood, and you know, I hope we have more just we, but everybody has more honest conversations about what it looks like to be managing this many friend dynamics at one time. It is so beautiful. Also, it's like some work.
• 53:00
  Kelly Holbin: Yeah, of course, anything good is work, right?
• 53:02
  Kelly Holbin: Nothing comes easy that's worth it. So, I think I love this experience. Your podcast is amazing, Alex. You've been such a gracious host, and we just want to be able to spread that.
• 53:12
  Kelly Holbin: How important community is, especially now, time where there's a lot of uncertainty in the world. And so we want to make sure that you're not alone, that you can ask people for advice, you can lean in, and it just takes one person, and just be actionable and intentional. I think everyone will have a really good time meeting new people. It'd be great.
• 53:29
  Alex Alexander: Yeah, me too. I hope this conversation inspires some people, maybe to talk to their friends, you know, they've been dreaming about moving closer to each other. It is possible you can just start talking about it now, and
• 53:41
  Kristi W.: it can be amazing. I mean, we love it, like Kelly said, we wouldn't take it back.
• 53:43
  Kristi W.: The hardest thing is going to be trying to move, yeah, because this isn't like I don't think any of us think this is our forever home, and so, but that's going to be the toughest thing of how do we move away, and can we find some land or some houses that we're all together?
• 53:59
  Alex Alexander: Yeah, so that's a conversation you all are having, yeah. Love,
• 54:03
  Kelly Holbin: yeah, it's like essentially another new, newer development where we pick out lots, and and we're in the same neighborhood, I don't think we have to be direct neighbors necessarily, but in the same walking distance neighborhood.
• 54:14
  Kelly Holbin: Absolutely.
• 54:14
  Alex Alexander: Well, best wishes with all your future plans. Then I hope you find like the perfect little compound for all of you or neighborhood, even if you're not next door. But I love the commitment, that's just so cool to hear,
• 54:28
  Kelly Holbin: yeah, yeah. Well, we appreciate you too, Alex.
• 54:30
  Alex Alexander [Narration]: When The Friendhood and I started talking about the episode that you just heard today, my mind, of course, raced to the fact that I get to talk about this like aspirational life vision that a lot of us have, right, of living close to our friends, and I'm so happy that we got to chat about what it looks like to live on the same street as your best friends, but this conversation went so many places I wasn't expecting friend group dynamics, how you handle conflict before it turns into resentment, boundaries, chosen family, and what it really means to commit to people the way you commit to family, there were so many gems in this episode, and if this episode has you thinking, like, okay, but what if I actually moved closer to friends, then I want to point you to one other episode that kind of lives in the same space and is already in the Friendship IRL catalog. It's the one I did with Jenna Meyer Dale, episode 65 She was so committed to living closer to her friends that she was fully prepared to quit her corporate job because she needed to move back across the country. Now, spoiler, her employer let her relocate instead, but the fact that she was willing to give up a job she actually really likes to move closer to friends, because she felt like that was going to increase her happiness.
• 55:58
  Alex Alexander [Narration]: That's a big tell. Here's the stat that I want to leave you with when we're closing out this
• 56:07
  conversation: living within one mile of a friend. That increases your happiness by 25% more than marriage, more than family proximity, more than pretty much anything else we've been told to prioritize. We will uproot our entire lives for a job offer, a new relationship, relocating for family, and nobody bats an eye societally, that is normal, but moving closer to your friends, I think it's only starting to gain like social acceptable status, and I think that more of us should do it, because if it can have that great of an impact on your happiness, then what are we waiting for? Go listen to Jenna's episode, it's a really good one. And speaking of before I close it out and say goodbye to you today, have you moved closer to a friend? Do you have a unique living situation, a chosen family setup, a compound that you live on, a house that you bought with friends? If you have something that I haven't covered on the podcast, I would genuinely love to feature more stories like this, so please reach out, tell me about it, and let's get you behind the mic.
• 57:21
  conversation: Anybody can be on here. And with that, I'll see you next week.
• 57:25
  Alex Alexander: Thank you for listening to this episode of Friendship IRL. I am so honored to have these conversations with you. But don't let the chat die here. Send me a voice message. I created a special website just to chat with you. You can find it at alexalex.chat. You can also find me on Instagram. My handle, @itsalexalexander. Or go ahead and leave a review wherever you prefer to listen to podcasts. Now if you want to take this conversation a step further, send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting. And use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out. No need for a teary goodbye. I'll be back with a new episode next week.