Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Selfish as Sacred: Choosing Self-Honour Over Self-Sacrifice in Divorce

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Selfish as Sacred: Choosing Self-Honour Over Self-Sacrifice in Divorce · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage, these are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce or reorganising life afterwards.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warrentry people of the Kulin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, hello, and welcome to this week's episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: You didn't become selfish, you became self-honouring.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: Reclaiming you, reclaiming your voice after divorce.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: Or even during divorce, or even if you are still in relationship.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: I want to have a conversation today that might stir something deep inside you, especially if you've ever felt or been called selfish for choosing yourself.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: This episode is for the person who's been told they've changed, either still in relationship, still in a partnership, still married, or while navigating separation, divorce, reorganizing life afterwards.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: I've been that person.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: Told I've become harsh or mean for resetting boundaries around my time, my energy, my money that had become a little lax.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: Told I was selfish for not doing what someone else wanted me to do in the exact way and exact time frame they wanted it done.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I know the same is true for so many of my clients and probably so many of you.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: So this episode is for anyone who's thinking about or has started to say no, has begun resetting or holding boundaries, who is now expecting their needs, wants, desires, hopes, dreams to matter just as much as anyone else's, and then has perhaps felt judged for wanting that, judged for claiming that, felt pushback or punishment or retribution, being called mean or harsh or selfish.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: So if you've ever wrestled with guilt for putting yourself first or started to wonder, am I being selfish?
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: This episode's for you.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: Let's talk about that.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Because here's the truth: you didn't become selfish, you just became harder to push around, harder to manipulate, less compliant, and that is a very, very different thing.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: Often, when I talk to clients, they will say there was a moment or a number of moments, an awakening, and maybe there's been one for you too.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: A moment maybe during your marriage, maybe in the early days of separation, or maybe for you right in the thick of your divorce when something inside you shifted.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: You stop defaulting to yes, you stop being compliant, you stop carrying all the emotional weight, perhaps you stop carrying all the mental load, you stop trying to make sure everyone else is okay at your own expense.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: You stop trying to make everything fine, to keep the peace, to do the right thing.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: You also stop pretending.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: You stop pretending that you're okay with whatever it is that's going on around you, that you're okay just to make other people comfortable.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: And when that happens, you actually, it's an indication, I should say, that you've actually started listening to yourself.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: You begin recognizing what you want, what you need, and you start to notice moments where you've been abandoning yourself.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: Let's call it what it is, abandoning yourself to avoid conflict, keep the peace, whatever it is.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: And that shift, that moment, it's powerful and it's also frightening, terrifying because it's so unfamiliar, right?
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: And it can be also completely deep, destabilizing for everyone else around you, particularly your partner or your ex-partner, if they are used to the good, quiet, acquiescent, pliable, peacekeeping version of you, the one that they can move around and manipulate, the one who is willing to do what they want to meet their needs and make sure they're okay at your own expense.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: The one who can rely on to do whatever is expected, to take that path of least resistance, it can to those who've actually benefited from your acquiescence, let's be real, from your self-abandonment, it can feel completely foreign to them and like you've become this other person, this selfish, self-centered version of yourself.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: You haven't.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: You haven't become selfish, you have simply become self-honouring.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: So, what does it actually look like to become or to be self-honouring?
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: It looks like calmly, firmly saying no, without justification, without apology, calmly, firmly, even gently, saying no.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: It looks like checking in with yourself, checking in with your feelings, with your thoughts, with your body, asking yourself, what do I need right now?
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: Is this the right thing for me?
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: And then following through with aligned action.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: Self-honouring looks like setting and holding boundaries that protect your peace, your energy, your time, your money, whatever it is, even if others don't understand, and even if it feels uncomfortable for them, and maybe in the short term, uncomfortable for you too.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: Self-honouring looks like setting and holding reasonable boundaries around yourself.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: It looks like not over-functioning, overgiving in your relationships anymore, whatever relationship that is.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: Intimate partner relationships, sibling relationships, friendships, work relationships.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: It means not over-functioning or overgiving, not carrying more load, mental, physical, emotional, organizational load than is yours to carry.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: Self-honouring in relationship is about carrying your part and also allowing and expecting the other person in the relationship to carry theirs.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: Self-honouring also looks like resting.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: Resting without guilt.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: Self-honouring looks like pausing, taking time to do nothing, leaning into sacred laziness, and allowing rest to be as valid as productivity.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's also about choosing not to explain yourself, explain decisions that are really clear to you.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: Choosing not to explain them, particularly to anyone that you don't need to explain yourself to.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: It looks like choosing to allow into your inner world, your inner soft space, only those who meet you there with tenderness, with care, with kindness, with love.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: Self-honouring doesn't have to be loud.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it needs to be, but it doesn't have to be.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: And it doesn't have to be aggressive.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: So it doesn't have to feel completely foreign to you.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's not about fighting the fight, it's not about winning or proving a point.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: It really is about no longer abandoning yourself.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's about understanding and accepting and acknowledging on a really deep level that your needs matter just as much as anyone else's.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: Not more, not less equally, but that your needs are important.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: And to you, they should be more important than others.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: They come first.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: Little bit like the oxygen mask analogy, right?
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: And that is not selfish, that is self-honouring, that is sovereignty.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I've touched on this already, but I really want to emphasize it.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: Let's name something that can, in this space, as you're leaning into it, feel really, really hard.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: When you start showing up differently, when you stop self-abandoning, and when you start self-honouring, people around you might not like it.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: If you've spent your lifetime to now being the nice one, the helper, the peacekeeper, the acquiescent one, the pliable one, whatever, whatever we want to name it, if you've spent a lifetime being that version of you, this new version will feel different, will feel foreign even to you.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: And you might hear the old stories rise up.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: Don't be difficult, be kind, be nice, don't make anyone else uncomfortable, don't take up too much space, don't be too needy, make sure everyone else is okay, just go along with it.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: Why are you making this so hard?
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever those stories are for you, and you might need to get very quiet to be able to even hear those stories or recognize them because for so many of us, those that conditioning, those stories, that voice is so deeply ingrained, so deeply buried that we don't actually even hear them, we just react and respond automatically.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: So you might need to start training yourself to recognize when those stories are rising up for you.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: You might need to listen to your body what when it when it's telling you, giving you messages that something is off, something doesn't feel quite right.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've ever been in a dynamic, in a relationship where guilt or gaslighting or emotional manipulation were part of that relationship, those strategies from the other person might reappear, ramp up, increase.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: When you stop cooperating with the dysfunction, the manipulation tactics tend to escalate when you stop playing along, going along with it, and when you set boundaries that you've perhaps never held for yourself before, all of that coming from the other side can intensify.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it might be guilt tripping or name-calling, mean, nasty, selfish, whatever.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: That all intensifies when you are no longer easily pushed around or manipulated into doing things their way, the reaction can be hard and loud, uncomfortable, intense.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: Because they're losing the ability to control the situation, to control you.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: And control doesn't always, doesn't usually go away quietly.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: When you stop being easy to sway, when you hold your ground and honor your truth and self-honour, the pressure increases and things can intensify.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: So expect it.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: But that doesn't mean you're doing it wrong.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: Or what the other person is saying about you or to you is right.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: When you start self-honouring, when you reclaim boundaries, when you reclaim your truth, the discomfort that causes others is not your responsibility.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: Other people's disappointment, responses, reactions is not evidence that you're doing it wrong, that you're bad, that you're selfish.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: You're evolving and you're absolutely not being selfish.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: You haven't become selfish.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: You're just reclaiming your own space.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: And what I'd really like to do now is redefine selfish.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: What if?
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: What if being selfish meant choosing yourself without guilt?
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: Meeting your own needs before tending to everyone else's?
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: Protecting your energy, your peace, your tenderness, your inner sanctum like it's sacred, because it is what if selfish meant trusting yourself, trusting your own voice, trusting your own judgment above all others?
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: And what if selfish meant honouring yourself so that you can then go out in the world and create rich, connected, beautiful relationships?
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: So let's stop using the word selfish like it's bad or it's an insult.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: Because maybe selfish is the exact recalibration, rebalance we all need.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it is the recalibration you need after years of self-abandonment.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe selfish is a way forward towards deep self-trust.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe selfish is just actually finally honouring yourself.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: And if selfish means living aligned with your values, if it means creating healthy boundaries, reclaiming your time, your energy, protecting your emotional energy, then I'm actually for it.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: Let's all be selfish and let's make that version of selfish sacred.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: So if you've been called selfish by someone else, or you've wondered about it, whispered it to yourself, this is an invitation.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: Pause and ask, is this out actually selfish, or is this me finally coming home to myself?
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: Is this selfish or is this self-honouring?
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: There is nothing wrong with all of us valuing our own well-being, valuing our own peace, honouring ourselves.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: There is nothing wrong with expecting our own needs to matter just as much as someone else's.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: There is nothing wrong with each one of us taking up space, standing our ground, standing in our truth, because none of us is too much.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: None of us really is selfish when what we are choosing is self-honouring.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: And it might mean that choosing the sacred selfish, choosing self-honouring means you're finally able to show up in and for the most important relationship in your life, and that is the one that you have with yourself.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: If this episode speaks to you, if it's landed, I'd love you to share it with a friend who's navigating something similar.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: Send it to someone who needs to hear this reminder that selfish is actually sacred and self-honouring.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're deep in questioning a relationship in the messy middle of separation or divorce and need support, my coaching offers are designed for people just like you who are actually done with self-abandoning and ready to move towards self-honouring.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, you're not selfish in that negative way that selfish is thrown around.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: You are selfish in a sacred way, you are self-honouring, and this realization is really just the beginning.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for being here.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you've taken something from this episode.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: And as I said, if you know someone who it would help, please, please share it with them.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, bye for now.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: Until then,