Latest / The Kink Consultant / Ep 33: Dating Update: How I Went From a Kinky FWB Breakup to a Guy Who Can't Even Text Back (Am I Bridget Jones?)

Transcript

Ep 33: Dating Update: How I Went From a Kinky FWB Breakup to a Guy Who Can't Even Text Back (Am I Bridget Jones?) · The Kink Consultant

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It's the King Consultant podcast where we're turning up the heat
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on all things kink and dating, relationships and pop culture.
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So close the door, plug in your headphones, and let's get down
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to it. Hello and welcome to this week's
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episode of the King Consultant. We are back with Brenda, my biz
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Dom, who actually manages my entire business.
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We call her my biz Dom because she also is like Amanda, get on
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your fucking shit. But anyway, welcome back Brenda.
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So we haven't talked about my dating life in months, mostly
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because even I'm like what's going on here?
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Like spoiler alert, I'm still thinking what's going on here.
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This isn't much updates, but like for those of you who are
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just trying to podcast, Brenda, how long have you been married?
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Technically I've been married like 7 years but my husband and
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I've been together for 20. Literally dismayed in 20 years.
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Oh, wow. Yeah, congratulations.
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We hit the anniversary. Yeah.
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It's kind of weird because like we actually talked about it
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recently. Like, did you know it's been 20
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years? He's like, no, no, I'm like,
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yes, honey, it has been 20 years since we started seeing each
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other. We have been maybe 100 different
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people in those 20 years. Whoever you 2 are now is gold.
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I think about this regularly. Like I follow you on social
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media. Like seeing him come out of that
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restaurant with the pizza and you're just in the car.
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I'm like, these are like small wins.
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Yeah. All I can think about that
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entire time, you know that song, He's my man, man.
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You know what? You know what I'm talking about.
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It's like singing that in the car as he's coming out with my
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extra large pizza because he knows the weight of my heart,
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you know? The vibe, seriously, the frickin
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vibe. I guess to start from the
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beginning, what friends with Benefits and I did was we went
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into to a BDSM contract together.
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And what I didn't know is how many people don't know what that
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is. Essentially people who are in a
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Dom sub dynamic can put a contract together with rules and
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habits and consequences of what will happen if they don't stick
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to it. We did that with each other.
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We broke up before we finished the term of the contract.
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And there were some things that just like occurred to me.
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One of them being like I felt he had very little follow through.
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And I realized I think he was expecting me to do the whole
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thing of like, tell him, OK, now it's time to punish me.
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And I was not going to do that. In my head, the obvious next
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step is, OK, well, then that's a rule, though.
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That's a new habit, like doing this every day.
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And you get in trouble for not doing that.
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And I guess there is something worth mentioning.
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Like I am dating at this stage, which is funny because at the
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beginning of the contract, we're like, I'm not going to date.
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But as time goes on, I'm like, I do want to meet someone.
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I know he's not my person. I need to start dating.
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I meet somebody and we'll get into that.
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I'm still committed, though. I'm like, OK, May 5th we had
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this like agreement that we were going to end in May.
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It was going to be like a 30 day contract.
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I start to just get a little bit more real with him.
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I'm having a tough time with what's going on politically.
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I am a very open, moderate person.
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I pretty much allow people to vote how they want to vote.
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I'm not going to tell them they're wrong or right.
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But we get into this conversation and essentially I
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ask him, was your right to guns more important than my rights to
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bodily autonomy? And he simply says yes.
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And we just look each other. I'm sorry.
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And me too, Brenda. Me too.
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Like, wait, what? Like your penis has been inside
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me? Yeah, I let your penis be inside
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me. When you think that my bodily
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autonomy is not as important as other priorities.
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Done. Dehumanizing, worst and most
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embarrassing thing is it wasn't done right away.
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I just was like, OK, thank you for being honest.
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So like my whole thing, my whole thing is with curiosity, right?
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You know, if someone tells me how they vote, I kind of ask,
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oh, like, why do you vote that way?
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What did you think? So this is a whole conversation
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like that. And it leads me to these
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questions. And I'm not going to be on blast
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here saying like what his views are versus mine, but that was
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the question. Two days after that is when I
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find out that person that I'm seeing is probably leaving town
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eventually. And I'm like, I can't just stay
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with friends with benefits because of this.
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Do you know what I mean? So I've met someone, I'm like,
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OK, how do I actually feel about friends with benefits?
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I can't stay with him just because someone else is leaving.
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Like that's not fair to any party.
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So I text him And basically at this stage she was coming over
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almost every night, staying over.
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We were, you know, continuing to have amazing sex.
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I text friends with benefits and I'm like, I don't think you
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should come stay tomorrow night. And he's like, OK, just tell me
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what you're thinking. And in my head I'm being super
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clear, like you shouldn't come stay tomorrow night because I
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want to break up with you. But he's like, OK, tell me what
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you're thinking. And I'm realizing I'm not being
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clear at all because I'm avoiding the actual commitment
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of ending things. So I say I do not want to
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continue to pursue anything. This needs to end now.
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Overtime, this bodily autonomy comment just keeps playing in my
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head and that's why I ended. I'm really open.
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I'm truly very accepting of a lot of different viewpoints, for
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better or worse. And I know right now we're in a
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society where it's like, I can't be your friend if you voted
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against me and stuff like that. And I do feel like people voted
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against me because of the business I'm in, the
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restrictions being put on this type of conversation.
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I was being flagged all the time because computers were flagging
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me and not recognizing I was educational and that was harming
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my business, right? So I do have feel direct effects
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of it, but I still think like everyone has their reasons.
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I give him the option. I'm like, listen, I'm ending it.
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I do end it over text, but I give him the option to like talk
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about it anytime. So we go and we have this whole
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conversation and he says, was it that?
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And I'm like, yeah, it was specifically when you said the
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bodily autonomy thing. And he said I didn't say that.
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And I said really. And he said nothing else.
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He went on the I know there's nothing I can do to change your
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mind and I wasn't, I'm going to force him to justify his answer
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any further. So I think it's just like one of
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those things where we agree to disagree on it and I still feel
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like we can be friends, which I think is more controversial
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probably for a lot of people than me cutting them off
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completely. But I don't roll that way
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because I have beliefs that I think other people don't agree
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with. And I don't expect people to
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stop being my friend because of them.
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The whole not agreeing to I said that I feel kind of loops back
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to a conversation I remember us having when you first started
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seeing him. And I think I said this then.
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So listen, mini golf guy. Too bad.
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I think you're listening to this.
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But like I think he's a narcissist because he has this
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era of dominance but he doesn't follow.
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Through What's really funny though, is you're not the first
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person to say he's a narcissist. OK, moving swiftly along, right
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so. That's Friends of Benefits is
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though. Who's the new one?
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We will call him the German. The German.
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OK, excellent. Because he's from Germany.
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So I met this guy on Tinder. Not my type, lighter hair,
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handsome, real cute right? But not someone I'd normally
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swipe on. And definitely I messaged first.
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I never messaged first. I don't know what came over me.
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He swiped right. His profile said something about
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how he travels a lot for work and pleasure.
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I knew he super liked me and Tinder tells you that.
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And I said I travel a lot too, but just for pleasure.
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If I understood how much this man travels, he is like taking
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hundreds of flights a year. He is traveling all the time.
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That sounds exhausting, by the way.
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Exhausting to do, exhausting to date.
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So I'm like out of town at the time when we're messaging and
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we'd sort of go back and forth and then it drops off for like a
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week or something. And I open Tinder, I guess a
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week later and I have a message from him saying, are you back
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from California? And I'm like, yeah, he said,
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would you like to go on a date on what night?
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And I say Wednesday, I like, I give him options.
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He's like, all right, let's go. I realize from my friends with
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benefits who I'm still with at this time, I don't want to be
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with someone who voted for Trump because I can be friends with
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somebody voted for Trump. I can't have sex with someone
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who did. But it's two things.
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It's like I agreed to a date with this guy because he was
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cute without doing any of my normal due diligence.
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One piece is are you kinky? So I message him and I say, are
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you kinky? And he's like, I'm into bondage.
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I said, has it ever been a significant part of your
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relationship? And he responds and he says it
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was part of my sexual relationship.
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And I'm like, you know what, I'll take that answer.
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That's fair. It's honest.
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But in between him answering these questions, I am so on one
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about canceling this date. I'm like, listen, I'm so sorry
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to do this to you. I want to cancel because I was
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like, I need someone kinky. Like I should have asked you
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this before. I'm really sorry.
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So this is day of. And for this one, I do feel
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guilty because he's obviously remembered that this date is
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happening and I have not. I tell him I'm sorry, I want to
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cancel. And he says, can't you teach me?
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And I have this moment of I get really annoyed when people are
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like, I don't want to teach a Dom.
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I have a firm belief you teach people how to love you.
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Why can't you teach them how to Dom you?
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Because we all need to learn how to be in partnership.
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Absolutely. And some of that can be about
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doming. So I'm like, OK, Amanda, do not
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be a hypocrite. You can teach this person, you
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know, it's possible. Agree to it.
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And I say my classic thing of I can teach you, but you need to
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be willing to put in the work to learn.
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And I say, OK, I have one final question.
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Who did you vote for? And he explains, he's not
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American. He is German.
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He voted in the German elections.
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I'm like, OK, we'll go On this date.
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But there's this one other thing because I'm like, looking at his
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profile really closely. Do you know that every man I've
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ever loved was one specific star sign?
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We talked about this, it was a Pisces or something like that.
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Pisces Every. Man, I've ever loved.
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So my toxic trait is seeing this man is a Pisces and not thinking
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oh every man who's a Pisces has broken my heart or you know,
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like I've loved is a Pisces. I'm like, oh this?
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Will be fun. Scenario.
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I'm going to fall in love and have my heart broken.
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It's fine. So we go On this date, we have
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dinner, we talk about, I mean, we have the European connection.
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I grew up in Ireland. He's German.
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I mean, he's traveled a lot. I've traveled probably not as
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much as him, but I've also traveled a lot.
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We have a lovely date. It's one of those things where
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OK, let's go hiking this coming weekend.
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He wants to go hiking Saturday. I'm like, I can't go hiking
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Saturday. I can go Sunday and he says OK,
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but like then let's also go for drinks Saturday night.
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So I go from a first date to already having the next two
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dates plans. I'm looking forward to Saturday.
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We go, we have wine, it's a good time and then I'm hungry so I
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demand we go for pizza and we go get pizza after the wine and
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that's the end of day 2. Date 1, I don't kiss, not
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because I don't want to. I'm just like, hi, he doesn't
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come in for it and I don't you're.
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Gonna know each other too, and it's such an intimate thing.
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For me, kissing is more intimate than some other things.
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Yeah I agree. Like someones tongue is in my
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mouth the next morning I'm like look I'm busy I can't be there
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at that time and he's like take all the time you need.
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Which is really nice to hear because I'm like oh OK, so I do
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take all the time I need and I'm you.
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Know. I ask him like, what shoes are
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you wearing? Because I don't want to be like,
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how tough is this hike going to Because I don't want to seem
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like I'm incapable of doing a hike.
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And he's like sneakers. And I'm like, OK, so I'm, I'm
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assuming we're just going on this like trail walk type of
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thing because that's what I mean when I say hiking just for
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everyone in the audience. Something flat.
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We're going for a walk. Friends, Germans have mountains.
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They're really into hiking. That's what I've gathered.
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When they say a hike, they literally mean we're going to
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put ourselves through something here.
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I drive to him and then we get in his car and go drive to the
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trail and we're getting out of the car and he points to this
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mountain and he said we're going to the top of that.
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And I'm like, wait, what? Because I had not signed up to
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go to the top of this mountain and already I'm like, OK, I may
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have overemphasized my hiking skills.
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I have hiked, I have hiked a mountain, but like, that's not
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what I was expecting on this day.
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So we go on this hike. We've already been on two dates,
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but it's a long time. I think it's like a four hour
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hike, he says, and he's done it before and I'm fine with four
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hours. And I start to realize we have
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to fill 4 hours of time and he is quiet and I can't shut up.
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And I'm thinking, well, this is the last time this man's taking
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me on a hike because I just keep talking.
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And I think that he might, he probably like silence.
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Yeah, it's not even verbal diary.
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It's just like I have thoughts and I need them to be.
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I need to say them. So then I'm like actively trying
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to shut up too because I'm like this man, he's not very
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talkative. So I just think, OK, Amanda,
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just let him enjoy his hike. You enjoy your hike Thinking I
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should have brought my headphones.
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I even ask him. I'm like, do you ever listen to
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music while you hike, 'cause I'm thinking.
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What are we doing? Yeah, me and my own thoughts.
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No, thank you. And he said no.
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I like the sound of nature like that's it.
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Like. But it's like, he just really
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likes being in nature. So I tell him to go ahead
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because we're like climbing and I'm just like, tired.
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And he doesn't want that. And I know it's because I said,
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are you worried about going too fast for me?
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And he said, yeah, because he's obviously behind me being like,
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geez, this is like slow. So we get to the top of the
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mountain. I make a quick video of social
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media is foreign to him. This man has no social media.
12:50
Like the fact that I'm so addicted to my phone is
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definitely a turn off for him. Then we're going down the
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mountain and he's like, can we go this other?
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Because I don't like to take the same loop.
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I'm like, yeah, that's fine. I'd rather see more of the
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mountain anyway. And it's steep and it's rocky.
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And Brenda, I fall on my ass and I immediately say I'm fine and
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stand up. The way this man barely turned
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around to see if I was OK. I'm like, what the fuck is this?
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I'm used to people being like, Oh my God, are you OK?
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Do you need me to like, hold your hand?
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Nothing. This man barely like looks back.
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So you make it down the mountain.
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I'm super proud of myself because I'm like, well, I did
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it. It was in like less than four
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hours. So everything seems fine.
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I am bothered about that because I'm like, the Princess you are
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on a hike with shows. Well, like, what is this?
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The truth is, though, like, I really enjoy spending time with
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this quiet, slightly mysterious German man.
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So I invite him over to my house.
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I'm like, listen, let me go home and clean a little bit.
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And then, like, come over and he comes over and, like, give him a
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tour of the house. Like, we're truly like, really
13:52
trying to get to know each other.
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And my house is not dirty, but it's messy.
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And it was too much of a mess for me to, like, put anything
13:59
together. Clothes were everywhere.
14:00
So he comes over and then we, like, hang out on the couch.
14:03
You watch an episode of a TV show.
14:04
And then he says, do you want to come over to my place?
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I do want to go over to his place.
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So I go over to his place and it looks like a fucking magazine.
14:13
Do you know what I mean? Everything is perfectly placed,
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literally the stereotype of a German.
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I don't know. We hang out, we watch TV, we
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have a good time. Like we make out on this couch
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and it's really nice couch. On Tuesday, we decide to go for
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dinner and he's like, what do you want to do now?
14:28
And I'm just thinking, we did the thing.
14:29
We had dinner. Like that's the date.
14:31
You know, when I'm like, you could come over because I'm dog
14:34
sitting someone's dog at the time.
14:36
I'm like, I, well, I need to go home.
14:37
You're welcome to come over, I said.
14:38
But I have to warn you, it's messier than it was when you saw
14:43
it 2 days ago. Deadpan this man.
14:45
Like I cannot emphasize how shocked this man was, but also
14:49
deadpan he goes, how could it be any less clean than it was 2
14:55
days ago? And even though I might be
14:57
slightly offended, I think that's the funniest shit I've
15:00
ever heard because this man is shocked that I could let things
15:04
get any worse than they already were.
15:07
I immediately pull out my phone. I'm like, I'm writing this quote
15:09
down that is so fucking funny and he's truly shocked.
15:13
So he comes over, we hang out, we have fun.
15:16
Nothing happens because I'm still in that stage of like,
15:19
we're just kissing but also talking, laughing and having a
15:22
good time. Are you still with mini golf?
15:24
Yeah. I am friends with benefits is
15:26
still going strong because I've known this guy less than a week
15:29
at this stage. You're right, you're right, it's
15:31
early. Me and German guy go on a few
15:33
more dates, right? And like things are going well.
15:35
It's true he travels a lot, but like sometimes I'm at the gym,
15:38
he works near the gym. He'll come over and meet me for
15:41
a coffee or something, especially if he has to travel
15:43
or I have to travel. It's cute, right?
15:45
We're getting along really well. We have a list of things we want
15:47
to do. There's like a checklist of
15:48
things we want to get done and do together because we've both
15:51
sort of been lonely. You know, he even says to me
15:53
he's like, how long have you been on Tinder?
15:55
Is sort of the implication being how am I just finding you?
15:57
And I'm feeling the same way. How am I just finding him?
15:59
We feel like each other's solution.
16:01
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17:02
Things are going well on this front.
17:03
We are having fun together. If I was vanilla, this would be
17:07
perfect, perfect. But I'm not.
17:09
And he has dabbled with some Dom stuff.
17:11
Like sometimes I say yes, Sir, Sometimes, like he actually
17:15
almost immediately makes a rule. He wants me to ask before I look
17:18
at my phone because he's like, you just use it so much and he
17:21
gets that it's for my job, but he's like, it's too much.
17:23
And it's sort of like we're here together and it's actually a
17:25
fairpoint. It's sort of like gets me out of
17:27
the habit of looking at my phone, but there's never any
17:30
real consequence again for looking at my phone without
17:34
asking. Have we set that expectation?
17:37
Yes and no. So what I will say is I'm
17:39
shocked at how quick he is at like picking up on it.
17:42
The moment I grab my phone he catches it like that's a check
17:45
on the like OK he could be a good Dom and.
17:47
He calls you out on it. Yeah, it's one thing to clock
17:49
it, but it's a whole other thing to actually say something.
17:52
And sometimes it's really hot. One time I was at his apartment
17:55
and he was talking to me and I was just on my phone, like
17:57
unashamedly on my phone, kind of paying attention, but also not.
18:01
And he said he kind of like said, Amanda, look at me when
18:04
I'm talking to you. And he pushed me up against the
18:06
wall. And it was really fucking hot.
18:08
Like I was just like, I mean, I melted.
18:10
I know, I know. I'm like, this is fucking hot.
18:13
So he has these moments of it and he knows that he can.
18:16
And like, we've talked about spanking.
18:18
So one of the things that happens is everyone knows I have
18:22
a spanking fetish, meaning I need it.
18:23
We're making out in his bed. I stop him.
18:27
We're making out for a while. And like, he goes down to touch
18:29
me and I with friends with benefits.
18:32
So he knows it's not gonna lead to sex.
18:33
But I stop him. I say, what are you trying to
18:35
achieve here, German? And he says, you know, whatever.
18:39
He's like, really like, not sure.
18:40
And I think he's maybe shy, but also I get it.
18:42
Here's someone I'm probably putting on the back foot, acting
18:45
like he's doing something wrong. I said, I have explained to you
18:47
nothing works unless I'm having this need met and that's just
18:50
how I operate. I said when I told you that I
18:52
was serious about it, he said, OK.
18:53
He's like, I just don't want it to feel inauthentic.
18:56
So we have that conversation and he's like, I don't want to role
18:58
play it. And I'm like, that's totally
19:00
fair. But you have to understand that
19:02
I just can't jump into it without it.
19:04
He doesn't want to role play the dumb sub thing.
19:06
The spanking, the punishment. I guess to me, it's not a role
19:09
play. How do you role play that when
19:11
it should be a part of? You know what I mean?
19:13
When you're intimate, when you're in that moment and you
19:17
get spanked or you are spanking, it's because you want it to be a
19:21
part of that situation. You know what I mean?
19:22
I don't know. I guess in my brain there is no
19:24
role play. You're either are or you aren't.
19:26
He also doesn't know me that well.
19:28
He doesn't know me well enough to like.
19:29
We haven't had boundary conversations, but we haven't
19:32
had those conversations also because I'm basically just
19:34
saying, listen, you can't do this without the other other
19:37
thing, without the spanking and punishment.
19:39
And it's not really a big deal because I'm still with friends
19:41
with benefits and German is very aware we're not having a sexual
19:45
relationship, We're not having sex.
19:46
And I actually love that. I was so honest from the
19:48
beginning because it really set expectations.
19:50
And he was like, I'm not trying to rush into anything.
19:52
I'm looking for a partner. So we don't need to have sex
19:55
right away. And we're getting on really
19:57
well. And then it's early enough in
19:59
our dating, but we go to brunch one day and he says I might have
20:04
to move for my job. We're unsure.
20:07
He's like, but as soon as I heard I knew I wanted to tell
20:09
you because that's where we are in things like we are wanting to
20:12
tell each other things. He tells me and I'm like, OK, I
20:15
have a serious thing to think about.
20:16
And I realized that's the moment I realized I am ending it with
20:19
friends with benefits for a couple of reasons.
20:21
It was the statement that he made, but it was also that I do
20:25
not want to decide I'm not going to pursue anything with the
20:28
German because it's easier to go back to Friends with benefits
20:32
and I'm like, I don't want to rest on that.
20:33
I really need this to be done so I can move on in whatever
20:36
direction I decide to take this. Later that day asked me to learn
20:39
German because it's like, OK, we'll figure this out, I'll
20:41
learn German. We're going to date exclusively
20:43
and figure out if we are right for each other.
20:46
I'm going to tell you from where I'm sitting right now.
20:48
I'm beginning to believe I rushed into that too fast.
20:51
There was no reason to date exclusively.
20:54
There was number reason to rush it.
20:56
I feel like I should have stayed at a stage of like, well, let's
21:00
see where this goes because we are seeing where it goes.
21:02
But now we're dating exclusively.
21:04
We've deleted the apps, we're just dating each other and
21:08
honestly his communication has fallen off.
21:11
Not only that, I'm learning German and this man is not doing
21:15
any work to learn about BDSM outside of us.
21:18
Do you know what I mean? It's almost like he's allowing
21:20
it to be on the back burner and I'm not sure for what reason I'm
21:22
crushing over him wildly. OK, he is in my mind, the
21:26
hottest guy ever. I totally have him on a pedestal
21:29
and I am not used to that. This man made my fucking bed one
21:32
day when he stayed here. I like went to the bathroom,
21:35
brush my teeth that came out. My bed was perfectly made, like
21:37
it was a hotel. He was very proud of it, he
21:39
explained. He was like, first you do this,
21:41
then you do this. I'm like whatever, OK is.
21:43
He military or did he used to be military?
21:46
No, but it. Feels like it OK it's.
21:48
Just German, that's the way they do things there.
21:50
Very proud of his German efficiency, but you know what?
21:52
He has a good sense of humor and that's not something all Germans
21:55
are associated with. But he makes me laugh every day.
21:58
So it sounds like you're falling for the guy, not necessarily all
22:02
of the guys. You've already said this maybe
22:04
once or twice because you're like, oh, that's all there is.
22:07
But like, why? Like what?
22:09
What is happening? That's.
22:10
All there is, there's two things that are happening.
22:12
There's no movement on the BDSM side of things.
22:14
And I'm feeling really unseen. The intimacy is not there for me
22:17
because I need this. And I keep telling him, like,
22:19
listen, I'm gonna teach you. It just doesn't feel like
22:21
there's ever time for it. He's traveling all the time.
22:23
When we do hang out, we're doing some hobby together or doing
22:26
something of. His, by the way, because
22:28
everything you've told me so far is his hobbies.
22:31
Yeah, pickleball is mine. I'm playing pickleball with all
22:34
of my friends. Anyway, I'm feeling not
22:35
communicated with and I think one of my mistakes that I've
22:39
made is being too easy and available to be communicated
22:42
with. And one of the reasons is I
22:44
don't believe in playing games. I don't do it, I don't want it,
22:47
but I think it shows me faster if I'm not playing games, it
22:50
just cuts to the chase a little bit faster.
22:52
I have already given him feedback twice like you're not
22:55
communicating with me enough. And he admits he's like, you're
22:57
right, it takes 2 seconds to send a text, I'll work on that.
23:00
And then it happens again. Like he goes all day without
23:03
texting me back. Like I've texted him stuff,
23:05
there's zero response and then he text me later, we get on the
23:08
phone, I say outright again, listen, like I can't be with
23:12
someone who's not texting. Currently he is traveling and
23:15
being a bad texter and I am at the stage where he's traveling.
23:20
This is a significant chunk of time and there's a large time
23:23
difference. I'm not gonna beg to be
23:25
communicated with when I've already said twice.
23:27
That's really important to me. And I think that all of this is
23:30
to say that I am feeling extremely unseen in this
23:33
relationship. One of the things that I'm
23:35
figuring out now is do I wait till he's back and how the
23:38
conversation isn't naturally going to filter out.
23:40
We're going to watch this space sort of thing.
23:42
As it happens, from my perspective, I would hate to
23:45
have those types of conversations over phone, text,
23:48
all that stuff, because shit just gets messed up that way,
23:51
you know what I mean? So like I would obviously wait
23:53
until he gets back, but if you're not being seen and you've
23:55
given multiple communications about this and it's still not
24:00
changing now I realize that it's probably been a relatively short
24:03
amount of time we're. Talking just two months since
24:06
our first, so we're two months in.
24:08
It's healthy to have those communication points, right?
24:11
I mean again, 20 years in and it's taken us this long to have
24:15
those conversations right away. So fuck it.
24:18
There is no right answer to this situation whatsoever.
24:21
Do you like him enough to keep trying?
24:23
They keep trying. I like him enough to keep
24:24
trying. In my mind he is like Prince
24:27
Charming. I think he is the hottest guy
24:29
I've ever dated. Right?
24:31
I am really attracted to him. The problem is, I've already
24:34
communicated my needs and they're not being met, and he is
24:37
a very busy person. I don't want to beg for the
24:40
attention that I need. Yeah, and I don't want to be
24:42
apologetic about needing it. Of course not.
24:45
I like this guy, but I don't think that it just doesn't feel
24:48
right enough and that's tough for me right now.
24:50
I mean, and This is why we talk about having that conversation
24:53
when you're dating, right? Yes, yes, there are times where
24:57
we can communicate and he picks up on exactly what I'm saying.
24:59
And it like he's, I think he's good at putting out fires and
25:03
I'd need to be a fire for him to pay attention.
25:06
That's actually what I think I can be a fiery.
25:08
Person talking itself. I'm not going to be a fire.
25:11
So it's sort of like, we'll just let this simmer for a minute.
25:14
Things have come up and we've worked through them.
25:16
But like the texting thing, the communication thing, that's a
25:21
really big one for me. That's where I'm at.
25:23
I'm like, OK, how much is this worth it?
25:25
But if it's someone who's not lining up on the kinks, doesn't
25:28
seem to be putting in the work, and I basically had to say you
25:30
agreed to do this before we went on a date.
25:33
If you asked him three times to go and look into BDSM and he
25:38
still doesn't want to do it, then you need to like really
25:41
think about it because we already know that's something
25:43
you need to just. Process to do whatever.
25:46
And that is the thing. He is just close enough to right
25:50
but not the right thing. And I don't know if I want to
25:53
put in the effort right now to make him the right thing because
25:55
I don't know what's going through his head.
25:57
And I am a huge proponent of asking, but when I've asked
26:01
twice for texts, I don't know if it's worth it a third time.
26:04
It's a hard situation to be in. I don't know what the right step
26:07
is like other than to keep talking.
26:11
I guess in my brain it's let's just keep going.
26:14
No way happens and go from there because my brain just keeps
26:17
going communicate, communicate, communicate.
26:19
And if he just outright says I can't do this, you know what I
26:22
mean? Then it's that that's that.
26:24
Would you mention it a third time?
26:25
Yeah. I would but also I've mentioned
26:28
this twice now and I'm doing it for a third time.
26:32
I need this and if you're not willing to do it tell me.
26:35
I will get the fuck out right right now.
26:37
Thank you very much. Like I will walk away right now,
26:40
but you need to tell me that you're not interested in this
26:42
because if you are, then great, maybe I can help you.
26:46
Maybe I can show you things. I know you say that you're not
26:49
really ready to like go down that path, but if you really
26:52
like this guy, you would go down that path.
26:54
Just like if you really loved what you do, you would have your
26:58
business. Counterpoint, if it's important
27:00
to me, I would want it to be important to him.
27:03
And he asked me to learn German and I put in an hour a day of
27:05
German. So where's his effort?
27:07
Yeah. Absolutely.
27:09
I don't care how busy you are, that's where I land.
27:11
And I think that like, there's just too much not going right at
27:14
the moment. And it's heartbreaking, but
27:16
like, OK, so. I did my homework.
27:19
I was a good girl. I watched Bridget Jones's Diary
27:23
so clean. Tell me, why did I need to watch
27:25
this movie? OK, Question 4, before I answer
27:28
that, do you think I'm like Bridget?
27:30
No, I don't know Bridget. I think she's flighty.
27:33
I wouldn't call you her at all, like at all.
27:35
I would not put you and Bridget in the same bucket because she's
27:39
too flighty. She doesn't know who she is.
27:41
She is so insecure about every piece of her life and that,
27:47
that's me just like going deep in on her.
27:49
And you're not like that. You know who you are.
27:51
You know what you like. You know the type of people that
27:54
you want to be around. You know what you want for the
27:56
most part. So tell me, why am I in this
27:59
relationship Bridget Jones and why am I dating Mark Darcy?
28:03
I think you've found someone who kind of ticks a lot of the boxes
28:07
that you want. He doesn't have any idea of what
28:11
your world looks like. So for you, like, OK, we'll come
28:14
and come over here and do all the things.
28:16
And because he has no idea or even cares about it, you're
28:20
feeling self like insecure about it all because he doesn't
28:23
understand and he's not meeting you where you need to be or
28:26
where you need yes more of it. 100% and I don't want to take it
28:30
away from him. I think he recognizes that it's
28:32
impressive the following I have that I'm building my own
28:35
business. I kind of think sometimes I want
28:37
someone who's a little closer to it, who cares enough to get
28:40
Instagram to see it. That is what it is.
28:43
I don't want to be Bridget Jones.
28:45
I don't want to feel like I'm feeling in this relationship.
28:47
And I think that is the crux of the issue, figuring out how to
28:50
move on from it because I like him.
28:52
I don't believe anyone is worth this feeling.
28:55
So it's sort of like, how do I get past this feeling to figure
28:57
out what to do next? Well, it means walking away and
29:00
finding someone's gonna make you feel good.
29:02
Yeah, at the end of the day, that's really what that means.
29:04
You're never gonna be fully secure about yourself unless you
29:07
have someone who is fully on board with all of your things.
29:11
And you know what? I don't want to blame him for
29:14
any of it because it isn't him. It's just a possible
29:17
incompatibility of the way we both operate.
29:20
And I think it's beyond having a crush.
29:21
Like, you know, when you're young and you have a crush, you
29:24
can feel these types of things. Another favorite quote.
29:26
We're playing of all, like I'm walking around.
29:29
We're about to go for a walk one day and I put my glasses on and
29:31
it's cloudy. And he's like, why are you
29:33
wearing those? I was like, I don't want to
29:34
squint. And he's like, your glasses are
29:36
filthy. And he takes them off my head
29:38
and he goes and washes them and he finishes washing them, dries
29:41
them and hands them back. And he said, I did that for me,
29:43
not for you. And it wasn't mean.
29:45
It was just very like he could not handle how messy it was.
29:49
He is Mark Darcy from Bridget Jones's Diary, and this man is
29:53
making me feel like Bridget Jones in my normal life.
29:55
I feel totally put together and like life is good around him.
29:59
I feel like a hot fucking mess. I cannot explain this enough.
30:02
I do think a little bit. I have been too flexible.
30:05
I don't know if I'll get another text.
30:07
I don't know if I'll get a text today, tomorrow, I don't know.
30:10
And on that note, I guess to tie this all up with a little bow
30:13
that is a real life update of my dating life.
30:16
You don't know, I don't know, we don't know.
30:19
Until next time, have a good one.
30:21
Thanks for joining, Brenda. Always fun.
30:27
If you enjoyed this episode, don't forget to subscribe, leave
30:29
a review and share it with anyone who might find it
30:31
interesting. And if you have any questions or
30:33
topics you'd like me to cover in future episodes, feel free to
30:36
reach out e-mail info@thekingconsultant.com.
30:40
Until next time, keep on kinking on.