Latest / D/s and BDSM Communication Archives • Loving BDSM / Radical Honesty in Power Exchange

Transcript

Radical Honesty in Power Exchange · D/s and BDSM Communication Archives • Loving BDSM

• 0:10
  You're listening to Loving Bd and podcast, episode
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  04:03.
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  Kill Alerts
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  with the 1, the only the day this
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  episode is being released birthday boy. John Browns
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  down. I don't know what you're talking about.
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  It's your birthday today I know what you're
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  July twelfth is your birthday.
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  Happy birthday. I must say it later in
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  this podcast too. Happy a birthday. I'm not
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  singing because nobody wants that. Nobody wants that.
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  But happy birthday.
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  She the shirt I'm wearing. It's see podcast
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  listeners cannot. He is wearing his grumpy daddy
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  shirt.
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  And his grumpy daddy shirt from what's the
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  Safe words Merch shop is why I have
• 0:47
  not put a grumpy daddy shirt.
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  Not.
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  Because I'm not doing that. That's not cool.
• 0:52
  We will just rep the merch.
• 0:55
  That's that's actually not what we're here for
• 0:58
  this.
• 0:59
  Hey. You're the 1 who went down the
• 1:00
  rabbit hole. I just followed. Because it's your
• 1:02
  birthday.
• 1:03
  The day this episode comes out.
• 1:05
  This week, we're talking about a self help
• 1:08
  kind of concept that absolutely applies to kinky
• 1:11
  people, and that is radical honesty.
• 1:14
  Welcome to Loving Bd podcast. If this is
• 1:16
  your first time listening glad to have you.
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  Or on Youtube at Youtube dot com slash
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  All links during in the show notes. Epic
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  big thanks as always to our Kinky patrons
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  com slash kayla Lords that's patreon dot com
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  slash kayla, or use a link in the
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  show notes.
• 2:21
  Okay. So before we get into the topic,
• 2:23
  I do have some announcements.
• 2:25
  The first 1 is that. There's going to
• 2:28
  be a free.
• 2:30
  Free
• 2:31
  free 99.
• 2:33
  Online, Bd
• 2:35
  workshop, July 20 second through 20 fifth, hosted
• 2:38
  by put on by taught by,
• 2:41
  Ale
• 2:42
  of Dom sub living. It's called jump start
• 2:44
  your Bd journey.
• 2:47
  It's a bit of
• 2:49
  the basics, but not the basics in a
• 2:52
  way, like, we have to sit and go
• 2:53
  what what is a dominant. It's the basics
• 2:56
  in a way of figuring out what you're
• 2:58
  into, figuring out what you want,
• 3:01
  figuring out how you can incorporate
• 3:04
  Bd and power change, if that's your thing
• 3:07
  into your routine into your lifestyle. That's the
• 3:09
  whole thing. We are not teaching it. We're
• 3:11
  just helping to promote it. And it is
• 3:14
  hurry.
• 3:17
  So we like Ale and Moms of living.
• 3:20
  We have taught with them in the past
• 3:21
  and some of their event. So we feel
• 3:24
  comfortable sending you there,
• 3:26
  be would like
• 3:28
  to,
• 3:29
  participate, sign up, regis sure attend the thing.
• 3:33
  The link is in the places if you
• 3:35
  want to go look. What I have discovered
• 3:37
  because I got a couple of emails from
• 3:38
  folks about it.
• 3:40
  Sure make sure whatever browser you're using allows
• 3:42
  for pop ups because you... If you decide
• 3:44
  to sign up to register to a attend,
• 3:47
  click the button that says register and a
• 3:49
  pop up comes up and you do... Give
• 3:51
  your email in your, like, your first name.
• 3:53
  And some people have not been getting that.
• 3:55
  And I'm like, okay. Do you do you
• 3:56
  not allow pop ups on that browser. So
• 3:58
  just be mindful of that. But, yeah, it
• 4:00
  is July 20 second through the 20 fifth.
• 4:02
  This is not the only time you'll will
• 4:04
  hear us, talk about it if you are...
• 4:05
  On our email list. You have already heard
• 4:07
  about it.
• 4:08
  If you follow us on Fe life or
• 4:10
  Instagram, hopefully, you've already heard about it.
• 4:13
  We will keep talking about it for you.
• 4:14
  So It's called jump start your Bd journey.
• 4:18
  I'm doing an awful job of explaining what
• 4:20
  it's about. So
• 4:22
  I encourage you to click the link in
• 4:24
  the places,
• 4:25
  go check it out and if it sounds
• 4:27
  like it's a thing that you would be
• 4:28
  interested in, go ahead and sign up.
• 4:31
  You second announcement.
• 4:35
  So for anybody watching the live stream, this
• 4:38
  is in the future.
• 4:39
  For anybody listening to the audio podcast,
• 4:42
  this applies the day this episode comes out.
• 4:47
  Jb Birthday is Friday, July twelfth. That is
• 4:50
  this Friday, though, this Friday from the day
• 4:52
  of
• 4:53
  recording this. Jb
• 4:56
  birthday.
• 4:57
  And, yes, I will be putting that in
• 4:59
  the newsletter as what.
• 5:01
  I wanna make sure everybody knows.
• 5:08
  Okay.
• 5:08
  It is up to you.
• 5:10
  If
• 5:12
  you tell folks how old you are. I
• 5:14
  would not... You know, whatever. Old enough to
• 5:17
  know better young enough not to care.
• 5:21
  Old dust to have almost no fuck slap,
• 5:24
  And I I'm look grateful for that because
• 5:26
  I still got a couple fucks hanging on
• 5:28
  for to your life and so,
• 5:30
  somebody.
• 5:31
  Has to not have any left. Right.
• 5:35
  So, yeah, Your birthday be this Friday. Yeah.
• 5:37
  And we're keeping it kinda low key. Mh.
• 5:40
  I have...
• 5:41
  I've told him that I will take over
• 5:43
  his normal weekend chores,
• 5:45
  and he has request at a special dinner
• 5:47
  kinda like you did for Father's day.
• 5:49
  It involves pasta and cheese. So
• 5:52
  the fourteenth tasted year old once again gets
• 5:54
  to be grateful to you for having a
• 5:56
  special day because he gets Mcdonald's. Right.
• 6:00
  Well, I'll make sure he gets his free
• 6:02
  coffee from Starbucks,
• 6:04
  and whatever other freebie, the different places through
• 6:07
  your way. Throw my way
• 6:09
  we're gonna try really hard not to do
• 6:11
  any... We have to do lawn work. It's
• 6:12
  the summer in florida we have to. Or
• 6:14
  we'll have a jungle in our frank yard.
• 6:16
  But we're gonna not do it over his
• 6:18
  birthday. Weekend, so, he can actually take the
• 6:21
  weekend off. So...
• 6:23
  But...
• 6:25
  Yep.
• 6:26
  So bought john.
• 6:28
  You can binge watch whatever the hell you
• 6:30
  want. I plan on working mostly of. I
• 6:32
  I started watching the planet of the apes
• 6:34
  reboot. I saw that. I was like, but
• 6:36
  it was after you were watching like, a
• 6:37
  king Kong Godzilla
• 6:39
  situation. Yeah. Was happening there. It was
• 6:44
  it was King Kong and Godzilla. They they
• 6:46
  they teamed up with Moth.
• 6:48
  What
• 6:49
  Okay.
• 6:51
  Save the world. Okay. I mean, yeah.
• 6:54
  Okay. Yeah. But, no. I I can finish
• 6:56
  watching that. And house of dragons is back
• 6:58
  now. Yeah. You haven't watched that yet. I've
• 7:01
  kinda of been waiting for this. The whole
• 7:02
  thing to be out. Yeah Yeah I don't
• 7:04
  blame you. Don't blame it. And yes. I'm
• 7:06
  also... I was looking at live chat, because
• 7:08
  mister Sp has... His birthday is, I think
• 7:10
  the day before years if I'm reading that
• 7:11
  currently.
• 7:12
  So happy birthday mister spot.
• 7:14
  And I think,
• 7:17
  and eva husband's
• 7:19
  birthday is, like, in this time Lots of
• 7:21
  birthdays in this time frame. I it's either
• 7:24
  today or within next day lots of birthdays.
• 7:26
  Have the birthday. Lots cancer birthdays here.
• 7:29
  Birthday, mister Bean. And and Jb is
• 7:32
  a quintessential stereotypical cancer.
• 7:35
  His emotions are just right there on his
• 7:37
  sleeve. I mean, show him a a hallmark
• 7:39
  commercial, he will probably cry. And I am
• 7:42
  the scorpio bitch in the background going. What
• 7:43
  the fuck you cry? About because I filled
• 7:46
  with empathy. I guess... I I... There are
• 7:49
  songs that I have listened to for the
• 7:51
  better part of 30, 40 50 years.
• 7:53
  And it'll still bring It's very sweet. It
• 7:56
  really is very sweet. I'm just... It... It's
• 7:58
  been a culture shock
• 8:03
  anyway, so yes.
• 8:05
  Live judgement talking about cakes, I will be
• 8:08
  making a cake.
• 8:10
  Mh.
• 8:11
  I have to go to the store and
• 8:12
  get the cake stuff. We were gonna get
• 8:14
  it from all together, but they didn't have
• 8:15
  everything we needed. So I need to go
• 8:17
  to Walmart and help, on the Walmart. No
• 8:19
  I have not. So I guess I know
• 8:20
  I'm doing tomorrow. Well, you had a reason
• 8:22
  not going today. Yeah. We'll talk about in
• 8:24
  the section. Okay, We've already gotten off.
• 8:27
  Completely from the topic. 10 minutes in.
• 8:29
  So was actually get to the topic.
• 8:33
  So we're talking about this concept of radical
• 8:36
  honesty, which I...
• 8:38
  What I was trying to... Because I knew
• 8:39
  what I wanted us to talk about because
• 8:41
  it's a thing that every time I do
• 8:43
  it, I just kinda sit and go
• 8:45
  Am I a good person or am I
• 8:48
  a dumbass? And I'll tell you why when
• 8:50
  we get to it. But the expression that
• 8:52
  kept coming to me when I was trying
• 8:53
  to just to think about how I can
• 8:56
  concise describe this moment. Mh was radical honesty
• 8:59
  because that's what feels right. And then I
• 9:00
  was like, but that comes from somewhere. Started
• 9:02
  looking it up. And it mostly means what
• 9:06
  I was meaning it to mean,
• 9:08
  but also people have taken that Phrase and
• 9:10
  turned it into all kinds of things.
• 9:12
  And 1 of the things that it turned
• 9:14
  into was very applicable to Power exchange and
• 9:16
  kin. And I want, okay. We're gonna talk
• 9:18
  about it anyway. So I wanna start with...
• 9:20
  Let's let me start with how radical honesty
• 9:23
  is
• 9:24
  primarily
• 9:25
  defined find in the ways that I could
• 9:27
  find it. I literally am using the Wikipedia
• 9:29
  page for 1 of these. The links to
• 9:31
  the 2 places I'm find pulling from are
• 9:34
  in the places if you wanna read them
• 9:35
  yourself.
• 9:36
  The first 1 is, like where the term
• 9:38
  radical honesty even really comes from,
• 9:41
  It is comes from a book that was
• 9:44
  published in the mid ish nineties called radical
• 9:48
  honesty.
• 9:49
  And then when I started reading the Wikipedia
• 9:51
  page, apparently, I got a little cult like
• 9:52
  the group who were were believing in radical
• 9:54
  honesty and I'm following the author. And they're
• 9:56
  apparently some drama there. That is not what
• 9:58
  we're here for. Okay? But if you would
• 10:00
  like to know more about it, go click
• 10:01
  the Wiki,
• 10:03
  wikipedia page. Anyway,
• 10:05
  But the idea of radical honesty is the
• 10:08
  practice of
• 10:10
  complete honesty
• 10:11
  without telling even white live.
• 10:14
  Which kind of describes how
• 10:17
  most of the time I really I have
• 10:19
  been.
• 10:21
  Most of my life, but not because I'm,
• 10:22
  like, a good person who he's a radical
• 10:24
  honesty see. It's because it was traumatized as
• 10:26
  a child, but that's a whole other thing.
• 10:28
  The other 1 where I see this definition
• 10:31
  has kind of
• 10:33
  gone to and invent repurposed for. Right? Okay.
• 10:36
  So there's a literal definition of the words
• 10:37
  radical honesty, which is you don't even tell
• 10:40
  a white lie. No life o mission. You
• 10:42
  just tell the truth no matter how no
• 10:44
  gray area now. Right.
• 10:46
  Which isn't
• 10:48
  to civil barely a good thing but whatever.
• 10:50
  This, the next resource I found that kind
• 10:53
  of was a good example of where the
• 10:55
  term seems have gone for some people
• 10:58
  is more about a self help within your
• 11:01
  yourself kind of thing. Mh. And in this
• 11:03
  case, let said, I can find it. Okay.
• 11:05
  Radical self honesty calls the suppressed parts of
• 11:09
  the self to the surface.
• 11:11
  It's a practice that asks you to be
• 11:13
  100
• 11:14
  percent authentic or as truthful as you're capable
• 11:17
  of at the moment with yourself. Mh. And
• 11:20
  and that makes sense. Yeah. Right. To to
• 11:23
  own who you are, Right eat down
• 11:26
  at least if... With nobody else other than
• 11:29
  yourself. And I was like, oh, you mean,
• 11:31
  like, when many us figure out where kinky
• 11:32
  and then maybe have to go tell a
• 11:34
  partner. Hey, by the way. I think Kinky.
• 11:35
  I would like to
• 11:37
  explore this life with your life.
• 11:39
  Way.
• 11:40
  Okay. The supplies. The supply of So I'm
• 11:42
  gonna... Let's start the conversation with how
• 11:46
  I was...
• 11:49
  Thinking about it at first,
• 11:52
  and give the
• 11:53
  example,
• 11:54
  which is frustrating because I know this is
• 11:56
  not the first time this has happened in
• 11:58
  all the years we've been together. It's just
• 11:59
  the most recent example, so I can't remember
• 12:02
  any of the other times. Maybe you will.
• 12:04
  Just So,
• 12:06
  last week for anybody who listened or watched
• 12:09
  last week, I was given on fucking camera
• 12:12
  with the audio being recorded.
• 12:14
  A task
• 12:16
  to full sheets
• 12:18
  before we went,
• 12:19
  we were gonna gain some more we don't
• 12:21
  Doing something, being
• 12:23
  So
• 12:24
  guess who forgot.
• 12:29
  That me for getting
• 12:31
  led to a
• 12:32
  a quick, but pretty good conversation of, hey.
• 12:34
  Here's what I know I need for the
• 12:36
  future
• 12:37
  But here's how I found out I forgot
• 12:40
  and how Jb found out I forgot. I
• 12:42
  walked into the bedroom.
• 12:44
  And saw the sheets so saying there's, like,
• 12:46
  2 days later and went.
• 12:49
  And Jamie was was, like, I want... I
• 12:51
  don't say Clueless like, in a p minute
• 12:52
  or like was in his own world. He
• 12:54
  wasn't looking at what I was looking at.
• 12:55
  He didn't even hear me. I'm not sure
• 12:57
  your hearing aids were written. Like so. He
• 12:59
  didn't have a clue that I'm over here
• 13:00
  going, oh my god. I can't fucking breathe.
• 13:03
  I was literally given a task with witnesses,
• 13:07
  and it's just still sitting here.
• 13:10
  And that is a moment where I...
• 13:12
  It's not a difficult thing within me, but
• 13:15
  it is a thing that I I'm...
• 13:18
  I understand what I'm doing to myself. And
• 13:20
  so I have, like, a 30 second back
• 13:22
  and forth of, do I say something?
• 13:26
  Or do I let him
• 13:28
  find out?
• 13:30
  And I was like, I need to say
• 13:32
  something, but then in my brain, my brain
• 13:34
  goes, you know what you're potentially... Doing to
• 13:36
  yourself if you admit. And I'm like, yeah,
• 13:38
  But
• 13:40
  if I don't, and he figures it out,
• 13:42
  1 or 2 things my mind is gonna
• 13:44
  happen. And maybe there's a mysterious third thing
• 13:46
  I didn't think of. But it was either
• 13:49
  you were gonna give me shit for having
• 13:50
  forgotten and then whatever was gonna... Was gonna
• 13:52
  happen. And I don't I don't like that.
• 13:54
  I don't like that feeling of feeling called
• 13:56
  out. That's a
• 13:57
  Or you were gonna be, like, why didn't
• 13:59
  you tell me you hadn't done this? And
• 14:01
  then now talking about how I just didn't
• 14:03
  admit something and I didn't like that feeling
• 14:05
  and.
• 14:06
  Now, why is this matter in our power
• 14:08
  exchange Because in our power exchange, we were
• 14:11
  there are... There's positive reinforcement.
• 14:14
  And there are consequences. There's punishment.
• 14:17
  And I knew that I just fucking telling
• 14:20
  you I could have been setting myself up
• 14:22
  for
• 14:23
  a consequence that I was not gonna love
• 14:25
  that I actively seek to avoid. Yeah.
• 14:29
  But when I thought about how it could
• 14:31
  go if I didn't say something. I was
• 14:33
  like, I don't like those either. So the
• 14:35
  what I did. I'm like, okay. I'm probably
• 14:37
  a dumbass
• 14:39
  for even admitting this.
• 14:42
  But here, you know, go look. I forgot.
• 14:44
  Right? And I just admitted it. Now what
• 14:46
  I've gotten better about just over my lifetime,
• 14:49
  not even our relationship
• 14:51
  is I just own it, and I go,
• 14:53
  oh, I am. I am. And sorry. I
• 14:55
  fucked up. I I can... And we did
• 14:57
  get into the reasons why I always can
• 14:59
  give the context of what the hell happened,
• 15:01
  how I screwed up. What But I have
• 15:03
  learned that most people don't wanna hear that
• 15:05
  first.
• 15:06
  Those get called excuses, and then I get
• 15:08
  angry because it's like actually no. It's just
• 15:10
  vital. Information, so you could know. I wasn't
• 15:12
  just dick around. There was actually like reasons.
• 15:16
  Right?
• 15:17
  I've learned my lesson so I don't start
• 15:18
  there. I start with I am so sorry.
• 15:21
  I know Was supposed to do this, I
• 15:23
  fucked up once I get, like, the visual
• 15:26
  confirmation that he's accepted that then I could
• 15:28
  go, okay, but here's what I think happened.
• 15:30
  I could call it as a contest.
• 15:34
  That's not the first time. That No. That
• 15:36
  I've... That... That's something like that has happened.
• 15:38
  And I've been the 1 to admit it.
• 15:40
  When when we were... Oh, you do remember.
• 15:42
  Oh, yeah. When when we were
• 15:45
  seeing each other.
• 15:47
  I had gifted you a piece of jewelry.
• 15:51
  And
• 15:53
  you would
• 15:55
  You you were at that time still... You
• 15:58
  were going to a gym. Mh. You're working
• 16:00
  gym I was working my big girl job
• 16:01
  and I go to the gym on my
• 16:02
  lunch break. Mh.
• 16:04
  And
• 16:06
  you left,
• 16:07
  said piece of do. Yeah. I took it
• 16:09
  off. Yeah. I don't think I ever took
• 16:11
  it off again after this.
• 16:14
  And
• 16:15
  yeah, you did remember. You went back. You
• 16:17
  were able to get it and everything, but
• 16:18
  you still...
• 16:20
  Told me about it. I know And I
• 16:21
  was, like, almost in tears. Now here's what's...
• 16:24
  Here's where I know part of that's the
• 16:25
  the trauma. That's my childhood.
• 16:28
  Because even though I had fixed it.
• 16:31
  I still... And see I had people around
• 16:33
  me, and I still know people today who
• 16:35
  would be like, well,
• 16:37
  There was no harm, no foul. Mh. Like,
• 16:39
  you lost it briefly. You got it back
• 16:43
  almost to immediately. Like, thankfully, I worked in
• 16:44
  an office when they... Saw my face of.
• 16:46
  Man I love gave me this piece of
• 16:48
  joy, like I couldn't tell him it was
• 16:49
  my collar, y'all.
• 16:52
  Man, I love gave me this piece, and
• 16:54
  I took it off and, they were like,
• 16:56
  go, because the gym was like right on
• 16:57
  the corner. Go. Right? And so In in
• 16:59
  my office going, oh my god. God. I
• 17:01
  feel like I need to tell him. And
• 17:03
  you know, the the non Kingston, the non
• 17:05
  power exchange folk were like, why? You... It's
• 17:08
  not like you need to admit that a
• 17:09
  thing is lost. You got it back. Everything's
• 17:12
  fine. I'm like,
• 17:14
  no. It's important that I tell him. And
• 17:16
  it... And I still contend now They've been
• 17:18
  reminded at the moment. It was important to
• 17:19
  tell it was part of the building of
• 17:22
  the
• 17:23
  communication between us to be able to talk
• 17:24
  about things that aren't so great, but also
• 17:27
  my personal sense of integrity,
• 17:30
  is to just admit shit and let's talk
• 17:32
  about it because it was a moment that
• 17:34
  had me in my feels and the person
• 17:36
  I wanted to talk to about how I
• 17:38
  was feeling
• 17:39
  was the person that other people were like,
• 17:40
  you don't have to tell them Like, but
• 17:41
  then how do I complain about I'm.
• 17:46
  So
• 17:48
  Yeah. So I do... And I remember you
• 17:50
  kinda being, like, what I like about that
• 17:52
  moment now that you've dropped my memory. Is
• 17:54
  that you were very sensitive to my
• 17:58
  like,
• 17:59
  my an over it. Even though you understood
• 18:02
  that it's been it's been sorted. It's fixed
• 18:04
  now. A deep breath. Right? Yeah. But you
• 18:06
  never made me feel silly for that. You
• 18:08
  were... You just sort of went,
• 18:10
  okay. How are you feeling And what will
• 18:12
  you do different next time and, like, it
• 18:14
  I absolutely like just mel it in with
• 18:16
  our power exchange that we were sort building
• 18:18
  at that point. Yeah. Where I had a
• 18:20
  problem and it it made me feel very
• 18:21
  big feelings, and I went to my daddy
• 18:24
  Tom and went...
• 18:25
  I'm having big feelings right now. Right? Because
• 18:28
  I think we had had the agreement that
• 18:29
  I would not take it off, but something
• 18:31
  about being at the gym I've gone like,
• 18:33
  got... I just got taken off. Because it
• 18:34
  was it was a necklace. It was not
• 18:36
  a collar, like, with a lock. Y'all. He
• 18:38
  had Mh. Purchased it, send it to me.
• 18:41
  You know, was a great thing, and I
• 18:43
  turned it into what essentially became my collar.
• 18:46
  But, yeah. And I I am... I'm like
• 18:49
  this out outside of power change to me,
• 18:51
  this is not just a power exchange thing.
• 18:53
  Not because I'm some great human being or
• 18:55
  a fucking saint or whatever.
• 18:57
  Sometimes, maybe I am a dumbass. I mean,
• 18:59
  maybe I I tell the truth when I
• 19:02
  don't have to, but my experience in life
• 19:05
  has been from very young age.
• 19:08
  That I am the person who will get
• 19:10
  caught. I don't know if it's because I
• 19:12
  got a face where I can't Out hide
• 19:14
  shit well.
• 19:15
  I'm sure I'm not a very good liar.
• 19:17
  I am sweating bullets when I am even
• 19:20
  a lie of o mission. I'm... My shorts
• 19:22
  practically wet. Because I'm like, with sweat. I'm
• 19:24
  like you know that I'm not telling you
• 19:26
  everything.
• 19:28
  But I've always gotten
• 19:30
  the fallout from either
• 19:32
  lying and then getting caught or the live
• 19:35
  o mission where I just went,
• 19:38
  and and it being found out was always
• 19:41
  such an awful feeling Mh. That I came...
• 19:44
  I hit a point in life at some
• 19:46
  point or it's like,
• 19:47
  it's difficult and I do sometimes struggle with
• 19:50
  those moments are like, do I fucking admit
• 19:52
  this thing.
• 19:55
  But at least for me, it's like, I
• 19:57
  walk away going. I don't have to worry
• 19:59
  that I'm trying not to say something because
• 20:01
  I just fucking said it.
• 20:03
  Many times as an adult, though,
• 20:06
  these little moments where it felt like that
• 20:08
  felt big in my mind. I should say
• 20:10
  something, come to find out. Nobody fucking gave
• 20:13
  a shit, and I could just not said
• 20:14
  anything.
• 20:15
  But I don't I haven't changed my ways.
• 20:18
  I just really funnel it into
• 20:22
  you in our shit. It's like true. My
• 20:25
  thing now is and I still don't I
• 20:27
  don't like a lie of o mission either.
• 20:28
  I don't like anything that makes me feel
• 20:30
  dishonest, and let me be clear here. I
• 20:32
  don't I don't care what you do. Like,
• 20:34
  if if you're listening to me going god,
• 20:36
  that's ridiculous stupid. That's fine. Like, I'm not
• 20:39
  here to tell anybody how they have to
• 20:41
  move through the world. I just know how
• 20:43
  I moved through the world,
• 20:45
  and I don't think I'm better at anything
• 20:47
  or goodies... Like, I don't I don't think
• 20:49
  I'm like, a righteous person because of it.
• 20:51
  I know that the
• 20:53
  agony of going do I say something Do
• 20:55
  I not say something. Am I dumbass if
• 20:57
  I say something? Is it the right... Like,
• 20:59
  that kind of inter struggle. Oh, it sucks
• 21:02
  not telling anybody that I think they should
• 21:04
  go through
• 21:08
  But I'm in power exchange
• 21:11
  from the very beginning
• 21:12
  when we were long distance. Mh. The few
• 21:14
  times I had consequences
• 21:16
  while we were long distances because I told
• 21:19
  you,
• 21:19
  that I did a thing or didn't do
• 21:21
  a thing. Mh. When
• 21:22
  you might never if fucking known if I
• 21:25
  hadn't set anything. Unless you directly asked me
• 21:29
  and put me in that position to have
• 21:30
  to tell you 1 way or the other,
• 21:32
  you would never have known. And I'm over
• 21:34
  here going, I have something I need to
• 21:36
  tell you.
• 21:37
  Now I'm curious
• 21:38
  before we get into my personal eyes and
• 21:40
  where forced? Her
• 21:42
  when over the years?
• 21:44
  I have told you something
• 21:46
  that
• 21:48
  you wouldn't know known otherwise. Right? Or
• 21:51
  that
• 21:52
  I came to you feeling like a... I'm
• 21:54
  doing a confession
• 21:56
  situation.
• 21:57
  Like, we're... Like, it's a religious thing or
• 21:59
  something like, oh, I have to tell you
• 22:00
  this thing. And
• 22:02
  And really, in your maybe in your mind,
• 22:03
  it wasn't that big of a deal or
• 22:05
  I could... Like, it was fine if I
• 22:07
  hadn't told... You. I told you really to
• 22:10
  my own detriment air code detriment.
• 22:12
  How do you feel about that? What is...
• 22:15
  Is that... Like, what's that like from your
• 22:17
  first active.
• 22:21
  You know, there there are are some things
• 22:23
  that are
• 22:25
  active
• 22:27
  I... I mean, kinda like with the with
• 22:29
  with the necklace with the jewelry.
• 22:34
  You know, I was kinda like,
• 22:37
  why?
• 22:41
  You thankfully that was not...
• 22:44
  Reaction? No. It wasn't me it wasn't it
• 22:46
  wasn't. It wasn't.
• 22:48
  And yet,
• 22:50
  at the same time,
• 22:53
  early on at that time
• 22:56
  with us.
• 22:58
  I was like, okay. She's being
• 23:01
  forthright with me. Go. Yeah. I'll definitely tell
• 23:04
  you the truth. Yeah.
• 23:06
  So... Even shit, you don't need to know
• 23:07
  about. Mh. You will know
• 23:09
  So, you know, that that was something for
• 23:11
  me that was a actually
• 23:14
  a good thing. Mh. A good thing.
• 23:17
  And to to a certain extent, I still
• 23:20
  think it's a good thing,
• 23:23
  more than not, actually,
• 23:26
  because
• 23:28
  you know, especially
• 23:31
  lately,
• 23:33
  probably shouldn't say this because this be
• 23:36
  But, you know, I me. You'll be fine.
• 23:39
  I know where you're going. You'll be fine.
• 23:40
  III
• 23:41
  miss things. Mh. Right now, you know, juggling
• 23:45
  so many plate.
• 23:50
  Or you could spend those twins Whatever you'd
• 23:52
  like to... Ugly white.
• 23:56
  Nice say you throw them on the ground.
• 23:58
  Yeah
• 23:59
  Anyway, go ahead.
• 24:00
  Anyway, you know, yeah. So
• 24:02
  Sometimes there there are things that I miss.
• 24:05
  So, you know, it... It's good that you're
• 24:08
  bet honest in that much. And I'm curious
• 24:10
  when I.
• 24:11
  Confessed
• 24:12
  that there were the cr up sheets, they
• 24:14
  did immediately he, like, by the time he
• 24:16
  got out of the bathroom they. They were
• 24:18
  filled... They were done. I didn't even hesitate.
• 24:20
  Yeah. But do you think that you would
• 24:23
  have clocked it, recognized it realized it at
• 24:25
  any point? Probably not at that moment.
• 24:28
  I know. And that was the war within
• 24:30
  myself. I'm like, I know I've noticed it,
• 24:32
  but he hasn't said anything.
• 24:34
  Do I...
• 24:36
  From me. And again, I...
• 24:38
  And see that that was another 1 of
• 24:39
  those things. We had so much going on
• 24:42
  that weekend. And the lesson learned, I was
• 24:44
  like, look, I'll do whatever you want, but
• 24:46
  I know me. I think the lesson here
• 24:48
  is don't throw out a task me, make
• 24:51
  sure you have I you I have... You
• 24:53
  have my full attention. I'm looking you in
• 24:54
  the eyes.
• 24:56
  It's that kind of... And it was 1
• 24:57
  of those... You'd thrown it out. I go,
• 24:59
  okay. And... But it was in the... The
• 25:01
  rest all of this I had... III had
• 25:03
  your attention. I had everybody else's attention. It's
• 25:06
  recorded on video and audio. You know how
• 25:09
  we it and talk about past. And that
• 25:12
  was... And it wasn't like I was like,
• 25:13
  oh, this is not my fault because I
• 25:15
  was just like, hey,
• 25:16
  in the future
• 25:18
  didn't because I don't like to forget shit
• 25:19
  you asked me to do.
• 25:21
  I... You know,
• 25:22
  I mean, I I guess
• 25:24
  with with this and I and I understand.
• 25:26
  A lot of. I I think the thing
• 25:28
  that
• 25:29
  kind of,
• 25:30
  I'm I'm not
• 25:32
  E is the wrong word.
• 25:35
  It it doesn't sit right with me that
• 25:38
  it radical.
• 25:39
  I. Honestly. Oh, I Okay. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
• 25:43
  Because of what you... You would normally,
• 25:47
  you know, put with the associate with a
• 25:50
  word, like, radical. Right. Okay?
• 25:53
  So, you know,
• 25:55
  radical I mean, you, you know, and and
• 25:57
  I'm thinking about it as
• 26:01
  honesty is is a good thing regardless. Oh,
• 26:03
  yeah. It's a it's a net good. I
• 26:05
  mean, other moments where it's gonna, like, kick
• 26:07
  your ass sure, but it's a net. You
• 26:09
  know, and and I think a good
• 26:12
  part of,
• 26:13
  you know, being in in the Bd,
• 26:17
  community in world and and living that lifestyle
• 26:22
  on that that kind of honesty is important.
• 26:25
  I think so. I mean, because of, you
• 26:27
  know, trust, a a lot of things go
• 26:29
  into developing trust among partners and in situations.
• 26:33
  I and
• 26:35
  being able to be honest about the things
• 26:37
  that matter. And that for me is always,
• 26:40
  like, it general, the way I personally wanna
• 26:42
  try and live my life is that. 99
• 26:45
  point 999999
• 26:47
  percent of the time. I'm just gonna be
• 26:48
  honest because then I don't have to try
• 26:50
  to remember a false because I won't. Mh.
• 26:52
  I don't have to be nervous about what
• 26:53
  I may or may not have said.
• 26:55
  But, you know, the reality is some white
• 26:57
  lies, there... It's not awful in some situations
• 27:01
  right now. Yeah. Everybody's gauge of those is
• 27:04
  different.
• 27:05
  Mine is 1 time
• 27:07
  in the oldest high school career, did I
• 27:11
  tell
• 27:12
  the attendance office he needed to check out
• 27:15
  for an appointment that he technically had, but
• 27:17
  he didn't need to check out for because
• 27:18
  I was like, I'll get you out of
• 27:20
  school for this day, but I cannot tell
• 27:21
  a full blatantly lie. I'm not capable of
• 27:24
  Right? Mh. Like or, you know,
• 27:28
  not telling somebody that you think that their
• 27:31
  hair is hideous. Like, that's an opinion, and
• 27:33
  you don't have to be that kind radically
• 27:35
  honestly. It's kinda like hurt somebody's feelings and
• 27:38
  there's nothing they can do about it. Like,
• 27:39
  there's
• 27:40
  there's all these ways that, you know, okay.
• 27:44
  But,
• 27:45
  you know,
• 27:46
  the idea of the way I handle
• 27:50
  telling newt of not lying
• 27:53
  and just saying hard things, It is...
• 27:56
  It's integral for me to who I am
• 27:59
  to be trustworthy. And I think that's
• 28:02
  part of... I mean, part of the reason
• 28:04
  I have such trust uses because the enough
• 28:06
  people on the planet are shit your beings
• 28:08
  and I've had people have given me a
• 28:10
  reason to have trust issues.
• 28:13
  Also, I'm not stupid. I know that not
• 28:16
  everybody tells the truth at the level that
• 28:18
  I tend the tell the truth I will
• 28:20
  tell you all of the small things to
• 28:21
  the point you wish I wouldn't tell you
• 28:23
  some of these things. Right? It's too much.
• 28:25
  Yeah.
• 28:26
  But for me to be trusted by somebody
• 28:29
  I care about is 1 of the most
• 28:31
  important things to me. Mh. And
• 28:34
  to not be walking around sweating,
• 28:36
  did I remember
• 28:38
  to say, you know, what... What's the story
• 28:41
  on this and or to not be caught
• 28:43
  out and to be found out. Like, that's
• 28:45
  not a conversation I'm gonna ever fucking have
• 28:47
  with you. Of why didn't you tell me
• 28:50
  this? Why did you tell me something that
• 28:52
  was not true because
• 28:55
  You know, for some people, it takes a
• 28:57
  lot to break trust. For others, not so
• 29:00
  much. Right. I'm am a not so much
• 29:02
  kind of gal.
• 29:03
  And so I'm gonna treat the people that
• 29:05
  I want to be trustworthy too the same
• 29:07
  way of, I'm not gonna give you reasons
• 29:09
  to not trust me. I'm not gonna give
• 29:11
  you reasons to doubt my work. Kinda like
• 29:13
  the the the the
• 29:17
  treat me meat like, I would treat you
• 29:18
  kind of thing. Sort of yeah. But also,
• 29:20
  when I think of it in terms of
• 29:22
  the...
• 29:24
  Power exchange element.
• 29:27
  I don't I don't... I'm not saying anybody
• 29:29
  else would ever feel this way that there's
• 29:31
  Mh. That anybody else has to feels are
• 29:33
  like, us, I'm not hitting any of that.
• 29:35
  But quite frankly,
• 29:37
  probably little else makes me feel as submissive
• 29:41
  as coming you
• 29:43
  telling you a thing that I know could
• 29:45
  have consequences I don't like and knowing that
• 29:48
  not only
• 29:49
  am I admitting my own wrongdoing.
• 29:52
  Right. I didn't do that task. I forgot
• 29:55
  this thing, Like, whatever it is.
• 29:57
  I'm putting myself...
• 30:01
  This is a little a little bit hyper,
• 30:03
  but kind of at your nurse.
• 30:04
  But you're gonna do what you're gonna do
• 30:06
  within the combines of our power exchange, and
• 30:08
  I know what those things could be,
• 30:11
  and the power exchange being your teeth this
• 30:13
  been being submissive to you
• 30:16
  is
• 30:17
  so important to me. And
• 30:20
  and I...
• 30:21
  And doing that. Going oh, look what I
• 30:24
  forgot to do. I don't know what you're
• 30:25
  gonna do about it. But look what I
• 30:27
  forgot to do.
• 30:29
  Almost nothing make me fulfilled more submissive than
• 30:31
  that because I'm genuinely out of control at
• 30:33
  that point. You have the control you of
• 30:35
  the power, you get to decide what happens
• 30:37
  next, and not in the fun happy. It's
• 30:39
  make me feel good kinda way in the
• 30:41
  way that it's like, oh, here is a
• 30:44
  clear
• 30:45
  reminder
• 30:46
  of the... Actual power exchange. Right? Mh. And
• 30:50
  I don't I don't seek out consequences. I'm
• 30:53
  not a fur a girl. I'm I want
• 30:55
  to be a good girl all the time
• 30:57
  sassy.
• 30:58
  Sure. I think I'm funny. And I like
• 31:00
  to be funny.
• 31:02
  What but at the end of the day,
• 31:04
  I just wanna be your good girl.
• 31:07
  And,
• 31:09
  you know,
• 31:10
  to not be that and for you to
• 31:12
  know that I don't want it to be
• 31:14
  a disappointment thing. And what I imagine would
• 31:17
  happen. And I don't know if that would
• 31:19
  happen because this never happened because I don't
• 31:20
  wanna to get that far is if you
• 31:22
  found out about a thing that didn't tell
• 31:24
  you about you know as well as I
• 31:26
  do, I would known. I hadn't done a
• 31:29
  thing.
• 31:30
  Before you ever... Right? Mh. I might... It
• 31:33
  might have taken me a minute, but you
• 31:35
  would have known in any circumstance. It's not
• 31:37
  just the last week anytime time. Because by
• 31:40
  the time you figured out I had done
• 31:42
  and had to come to me and say
• 31:45
  something.
• 31:46
  In your heart hurts, you know I knew
• 31:48
  before you got time me. Right?
• 31:50
  I don't wanna see the disappointment on your
• 31:52
  face. That's... 00I
• 31:54
  don't...
• 31:55
  I'd rather make you mad than disappoint you
• 31:58
  to I don't wanna make you back.
• 32:00
  Again, that's the child of trauma.
• 32:03
  And so I just... I'd rather just... Let's
• 32:05
  get it out there in the open.
• 32:07
  I don't know...
• 32:09
  I am not trying to test my luck
• 32:11
  here.
• 32:12
  I don't know what's gonna happen with this
• 32:13
  is over, but I will and it. When
• 32:15
  I just told you and apologize. Got it
• 32:18
  fucking done. We figured out how to maybe
• 32:20
  avoid this in the future.
• 32:22
  As of right now and all come with,
• 32:24
  There hasn't been a consequence.
• 32:26
  I haven't asked because that, I don't wanna
• 32:29
  know.
• 32:30
  Right. I will be brutally honest.
• 32:33
  With the people I care about, I will
• 32:35
  lie like a dog to myself. Okay. And
• 32:37
  I'm very good at it's denial. And if
• 32:40
  I don't wanna know what's thing I will
• 32:42
  not ask
• 32:46
  That's the the real irony.
• 32:49
  I'm gonna be real truthful with you.
• 32:52
  I'm gonna lie so bad to myself.
• 32:56
  Lola agrees. Yes.
• 32:58
  So
• 33:00
  You know, I don't
• 33:02
  I don't necessarily think that though...
• 33:05
  All of the things that I will absolutely
• 33:07
  air quote this confess. Are
• 33:10
  necessary good, healthy, important, meaningful. Like, I don't
• 33:13
  I don't... I do... It's a real
• 33:15
  strange self comfort. Thing. I feel better
• 33:20
  knowing
• 33:21
  that we both know. Now I think it
• 33:23
  would be different thing and I would have
• 33:25
  to to contend with it differently.
• 33:27
  If the truth I was telling you were
• 33:30
  things that were going to hurt you.
• 33:33
  Right? Like, if I had to tell you
• 33:34
  a thing and confess a thing
• 33:36
  that was going to be mentally physically, blah
• 33:40
  something painful for you that I caused the
• 33:43
  pain or that somebody else did,
• 33:46
  you know,
• 33:48
  maybe I'd have a different view on it.
• 33:50
  It really has been some stupid ass bullshit
• 33:52
  stuff that truly, I could've just not said
• 33:55
  anything, but also, I can't... Part of that
• 33:58
  part of that, and it's not all of
• 33:59
  it. Part of it has is because you
• 34:01
  and I talk about
• 34:03
  the most mundane things, the most random things,
• 34:05
  the deepest things, most important things
• 34:08
  And while and we did the episode
• 34:10
  several weeks ago about, you know, you don't
• 34:12
  have to quite communicate every fucking thing on
• 34:14
  your mind. And I am getting better at
• 34:15
  that.
• 34:16
  I don't ever want to have just not
• 34:19
  told you something you're lied to you about
• 34:20
  something. That means that I literally can never
• 34:22
  fucking bring it up if it, like, relates
• 34:24
  to something again. Now I'm like, doing this
• 34:26
  like, little dance of did I tell him
• 34:28
  that can I talk? Like, I want... Even
• 34:30
  if I don't tell you every thought I'm
• 34:32
  having or every emotion I'm feeling. I don't
• 34:35
  wanna close the door on my ability to
• 34:37
  do that.
• 34:38
  So we can have the conversation and joke
• 34:41
  around about the fucking sheet.
• 34:43
  Because I told you. Right. Regardless of what
• 34:45
  was gonna happen. And I I know when
• 34:48
  I'm honest like that about my own
• 34:50
  you know, scrubs or whatever that I am
• 34:53
  inviting whatever the consequence might be. Right? Like,
• 34:55
  I'm not... And it's not a oh I'm
• 34:57
  look at me. I'm so great. I'm... I
• 34:58
  don't know what consequences It's like, no. No.
• 35:02
  I am helping out future me,
• 35:04
  but so Right now me is like bitch.
• 35:07
  You worked dumbass shit. But future me like,
• 35:10
  no. I wanna be able to talk about
• 35:11
  shit. I don't wanna ever wonder. Can I
• 35:13
  talk about that? Because I just fucking set
• 35:15
  it? Yeah. Now did I know I... That's
• 35:18
  why I was doing stuff in the very
• 35:20
  beginning? Like, did I have it figured out
• 35:23
  at that level that this is what... No.
• 35:27
  Did I... I mean,
• 35:29
  I'm not
• 35:31
  out for all that I probably sound really
• 35:33
  naive
• 35:34
  or really like,
• 35:36
  I don't know. Another word I can't think
• 35:37
  of right now.
• 35:39
  I understood that I was ridiculous when I
• 35:41
  was gonna, like, air quote confess to nearly
• 35:44
  losing a necklace that we both were considering
• 35:46
  my collar. Mh think that I did not
• 35:48
  lose. I understood the gonna absurdity of that
• 35:51
  worry or that, you know, moment of
• 35:54
  but it was also the first time we'd
• 35:56
  ever had a moment where
• 35:58
  technically, you... I could have handed you a
• 36:01
  reason to be
• 36:02
  unhappy with me. Right?
• 36:04
  And there was some fear there too. I
• 36:07
  didn't know how you were gonna react because
• 36:09
  an
• 36:10
  mostly mentally healthy person is gonna go... I
• 36:13
  know mentally healthy. A mostly not shitty person.
• 36:15
  Let's say that
• 36:17
  is
• 36:18
  gonna go, what... It's fine. You, you know,
• 36:21
  that sucks she almost lost it, but you
• 36:22
  got it back.
• 36:23
  You're cool.
• 36:25
  It's the really shitty person who's gonna, like,
• 36:27
  make you feel bad about a thing, but
• 36:29
  you don't need to feel bad about out.
• 36:31
  And, you know, in the beginning, it's a
• 36:34
  possibility
• 36:35
  that part of what I was trying to
• 36:36
  do was to learn out how you would
• 36:39
  react.
• 36:40
  Because I know that I was nervous about
• 36:42
  how you would react because we had not
• 36:44
  had this kind of moment. Everything had been
• 36:48
  like super happy, super good, new relationship energy.
• 36:53
  You know, and here I am going, okay.
• 36:55
  This isn't a big deal.
• 36:57
  But what if he makes it a big
• 36:59
  deal. Right? Yeah. So it's... That first time
• 37:02
  was a very layered new nuance thing. But
• 37:05
  I didn't understand myself yeah. Well enough to
• 37:07
  know all of the ins and outs of
• 37:09
  why I was. You know?
• 37:13
  Nuance I could sit
• 37:16
  and
• 37:17
  as as as a dominant. I could sit
• 37:19
  a nit pick. Yeah. And... There are some
• 37:21
  out there who will? Every little thing. Mh.
• 37:24
  Okay.
• 37:25
  And and to me, sometimes,
• 37:29
  III look at it as, you know, don't
• 37:32
  sweat the small stuff. Mh.
• 37:34
  Over the years, you've gotten me to be
• 37:37
  better about that? Mh.
• 37:40
  I think when it comes to
• 37:44
  the the us. Stuff, the stuff that even
• 37:47
  if it's small, it doesn't have a major
• 37:49
  impact on our lives, that it involves both
• 37:51
  of us. I'm gonna I'm gonna keep telling
• 37:53
  you sure. The absolute treat into my own
• 37:55
  detriment. Yeah.
• 37:57
  But, yeah, I think that what I... What
• 38:00
  I've done with not fucking people who are
• 38:02
  not you. Right?
• 38:06
  Excuse me. Or people who are not in
• 38:08
  my...
• 38:09
  Absolute tight inner circle, which are mainly
• 38:12
  you and the kids
• 38:13
  is I'm not gonna lie...
• 38:15
  I'm just not gonna say anything.
• 38:17
  I'm maybe fucking engage in conversation.
• 38:20
  I mean, like, I'm not gonna put myself
• 38:22
  in a position where I have to decide,
• 38:24
  do I... Am I...
• 38:26
  Brutally honest here or not. Mh. I'm just
• 38:29
  probably not gonna have much to say. If
• 38:31
  if the the idea is that
• 38:35
  this is a person who's gonna ask me
• 38:36
  a question that I don't want to answer
• 38:38
  or that my impulse might be to not
• 38:41
  to not want, to tell them the brutal
• 38:43
  truth
• 38:44
  as a self protection thing, not for any
• 38:47
  nefarious reason. Yeah. I'm not gonna
• 38:50
  make room for that kind of conversation. Pretty
• 38:53
  that's probably not mentally healthy, but I don't
• 38:55
  care. My piece is quite protected. Thank you
• 38:58
  very much.
• 39:00
  Now.
• 39:03
  Is there anything from your perspective
• 39:05
  about
• 39:06
  this entered...
• 39:07
  Like, personal dynamic of the radical honesty thing
• 39:11
  that you would like to say or add
• 39:13
  to. I don't I don't think so. Okay.
• 39:16
  Mainly because I think
• 39:18
  you know, the the
• 39:21
  subject of honesty
• 39:22
  is something that should be.
• 39:25
  Ops. It it ought to be a given.
• 39:27
  Right.
• 39:28
  The Monday episode that'll come out, like, after
• 39:31
  this week's podcast episode. It is an example
• 39:35
  of how not being honest, fucking destroy shit.
• 39:38
  Right? Like, Okay? Yeah. There you go. And
• 39:41
  and I think you go. Anybody who has
• 39:42
  made it to legal adult status fucking knows
• 39:46
  that. Right?
• 39:48
  Now I kinda wanna shift to this idea
• 39:51
  of radical honestly Steve, being this thing where
• 39:54
  you become
• 39:57
  radically
• 39:58
  honest a slash authentic and like the person
• 40:00
  said their little walk goes to the x
• 40:02
  extent that you're capable of at the time
• 40:04
  with
• 40:05
  yourself And who you are. And because is
• 40:08
  that not the King than for many people.
• 40:12
  And you know what that makes absolute per...
• 40:14
  You know, hearing that when you read that,
• 40:16
  like, wow. Okay.
• 40:18
  Because
• 40:19
  You know, I I can
• 40:22
  even even myself as as much as, you
• 40:24
  know, we we had talked about how much
• 40:26
  is I I am a self motivated person.
• 40:28
  Yeah,
• 40:29
  you know,
• 40:32
  there are...
• 40:33
  You know, III think all of us have
• 40:35
  those lies
• 40:36
  we tell ourselves. Right. And we don't... Obviously,
• 40:39
  we don't consider them lies. We just... There
• 40:41
  things we believe that are not necessarily true.
• 40:43
  Oh, I'm I'm I'm gonna have that piece
• 40:46
  cake right this. There. And and I'm gonna
• 40:48
  enjoy that piece cake, but I know I
• 40:50
  shouldn't have that piece cake because, you know,
• 40:52
  it... It's not good for me. And Gonna
• 40:54
  feel guilty And then after the fact
• 40:56
  You know, oh, I'm I'm... You know what?
• 40:59
  I had a really rough day. I'm not
• 41:00
  gonna take that walk today. I don't I
• 41:02
  don't wanna do it. It's not... It's not...
• 41:04
  You know, So, yeah, I I can see
• 41:06
  how there's a lot of ways that we
• 41:09
  we do that to ourselves. Mh. Mh. And
• 41:11
  not a malicious. No. Various way. It's just
• 41:14
  a
• 41:15
  sometimes it's more comforting or it feels safer
• 41:18
  to think
• 41:19
  The thing that maybe later you go, oh,
• 41:22
  that was not
• 41:23
  necessarily.
• 41:24
  The most honest I could be with myself.
• 41:26
  So It makes me think... Because you and
• 41:28
  I have
• 41:30
  as many as all of us do. A
• 41:31
  completely separate
• 41:33
  experience with what I was like to kind
• 41:34
  of figure out we were kin, go through
• 41:36
  that process and for me. I be completely
• 41:38
  a innocent and night even watch kinky things
• 41:40
  and know they were kinky. Figure out I
• 41:41
  was kinky and have a sense of relief.
• 41:44
  Right?
• 41:45
  Because... But I didn't try kinky shit before
• 41:47
  that. Not, like, that I didn't experiment whatever.
• 41:50
  So for me, there's... It wasn't that
• 41:53
  I was
• 41:54
  at not being my authentic self.
• 41:57
  I
• 41:58
  did not know that that could be
• 42:00
  and a part of my some. But your
• 42:04
  experience with
• 42:05
  from
• 42:06
  the very early days to, like, where you're
• 42:08
  at now.
• 42:09
  Nothing you experimented with kin without having the
• 42:12
  language for it.
• 42:13
  You tried to do things, but then you
• 42:14
  had the guilt and you have the the
• 42:16
  right be because All of that out far.
• 42:18
  Because to... At at that time to me,
• 42:20
  what what I associated with, you know, yeah,
• 42:23
  I was doing things. I was I was
• 42:24
  spanking. I was, you know, tying tying someone
• 42:27
  up.
• 42:28
  And and the relationship did not last,
• 42:33
  you know,
• 42:34
  looking back now,
• 42:37
  relationship never could. Right. Yeah. The things you
• 42:39
  know Okay we can look back on. But
• 42:41
  at at that time with that you know,
• 42:44
  that that that young
• 42:46
  brain of mine at that time was like,
• 42:49
  oh, no. This is what made the relationship
• 42:52
  bad. Yeah.
• 42:53
  Okay? Because that's wrong
• 42:56
  things to do. And... Right. I'm not supposed
• 42:58
  to do that I'm bad for doing that.
• 43:01
  This relationship failed, so therefore that is proof
• 43:04
  that what I was doing was bad. Was
• 43:05
  bad. And then fast forward to the relationship
• 43:08
  your in before
• 43:09
  you and I. Mh. And you tried it
• 43:12
  again. Right. And were treated like you were
• 43:15
  bad. Yeah. Like, like, there's all these... In
• 43:17
  app... Again, everybody's experience this and way forward
• 43:21
  is gonna be different. But for folks who
• 43:23
  get them... Like external message from your religion
• 43:27
  from your partner from
• 43:28
  whatever you're watching from whatever... Wherever the messages
• 43:31
  are coming from, that
• 43:33
  kin in whatever form is bad,
• 43:36
  it... I mean,
• 43:39
  the fact that any of us are able
• 43:42
  to over come all of that messaging and
• 43:44
  all of that guilt and all of those
• 43:45
  like, Mh. Net negative, you know, self talk
• 43:49
  and the the self doubt to
• 43:51
  step
• 43:52
  into
• 43:54
  your authentic self of which Kin is a
• 43:57
  part of that
• 43:58
  is
• 43:59
  extremely brave. Right? Like, it might not feel
• 44:02
  like a brave thing at the time.
• 44:04
  It might not feel like that big of
• 44:05
  a deal. It my... But it's like you
• 44:07
  literally went against
• 44:09
  not only what the outside world was telling
• 44:11
  you. Right. Your own internal,
• 44:14
  not correct, but we don't know that at
• 44:16
  the time. At the time. Yeah. Incorrect thinking
• 44:18
  about a thing to go, but This is
• 44:19
  who the fuck I am, and I'm just...
• 44:21
  I'm gonna fucking embrace it now. Right. Now
• 44:23
  I know we've
• 44:25
  had the conversation, but I don't know if
• 44:26
  I've ever...
• 44:27
  Asked that specific question.
• 44:30
  What
• 44:31
  was was there a specific moment
• 44:34
  not when you started exploring, not when you
• 44:36
  started going... But when you just kind of
• 44:40
  and maybe embraced this the only word I
• 44:41
  got. But you basically you embraced it. You
• 44:43
  went.
• 44:45
  All that tells me it's wrong, but this
• 44:47
  is who the fuck I am. Yeah. That
• 44:49
  that moment for me.
• 44:50
  Was when I
• 44:52
  was sitting down
• 44:54
  and talking to a
• 44:57
  mas,
• 44:59
  And at that time, I was still...
• 45:02
  It it was strange because I embraced the
• 45:05
  the ds, the power. Mh. Exchange.
• 45:08
  Where I was struggling with was the,
• 45:11
  sad in the mask. Mh k. Mh.
• 45:14
  And and she sat down, and and her
• 45:17
  and I we were we were out of
• 45:18
  lunch, and she was talking me, and she
• 45:20
  explained to me
• 45:21
  what it meant.
• 45:23
  Da mask receive pain.
• 45:26
  And it was at that point, listening to
• 45:28
  her and and and her explanation and everything.
• 45:31
  It was then at that point that everything
• 45:33
  just kind of came together came together and
• 45:35
  mesh.
• 45:36
  After that moment, because you've told me that
• 45:38
  story before. Mh. But I don't know that
• 45:40
  we've ever talked about after. So after that
• 45:43
  moment where you kind of have
• 45:45
  that epiphany? Maybe Mh.
• 45:48
  What happens next? Do you...
• 45:50
  Does it just become a little bit easier
• 45:52
  to explore? Do you have a different mindset?
• 45:55
  Do you have a different mood, like, what
• 45:56
  happens after it? If for me at that
• 45:58
  point, it was definitely a different mindset. Mh.
• 46:02
  Because I wasn't some...
• 46:07
  I I realized that I wasn't some
• 46:11
  per just you know, but the best way.
• 46:15
  Yeah. I Get you're saying? You know what
• 46:16
  I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. And and at that
• 46:18
  point, then it made me made it much
• 46:22
  easier. Mh. To to dive in Mh. To
• 46:27
  the community
• 46:28
  yourself back? Right. I was no longer holding
• 46:31
  myself back. Yes.
• 46:32
  And I think that that
• 46:34
  I like the idea of the the idea
• 46:37
  of where maybe radical honesty that as a
• 46:39
  concept has gone, where we're talking about
• 46:42
  knowing... It's sort of know thy myself. Right?
• 46:46
  Because whether it's kin or at something else,
• 46:49
  oftentimes you have to throw off some old
• 46:51
  beliefs and some incorrect thinking and the messages
• 46:54
  you... Received from, you know, and you have
• 46:56
  to go... This is my truth. This is
• 46:59
  who I am.
• 47:00
  Right. And it doesn't matter if the outside
• 47:03
  world approves of it. I'm I'm I mean,
• 47:05
  it Yeah. I mean, it... It's a matter
• 47:07
  of finding
• 47:08
  your truth
• 47:09
  and and,
• 47:11
  you know, like, what I did for many
• 47:13
  years.
• 47:15
  You know, this is what a relationship is
• 47:17
  supposed to be.
• 47:18
  Right. Got him. Yeah. You know?
• 47:21
  Buy societal standards. This is what it's supposed
• 47:23
  to be. And, you know, but I I
• 47:27
  could never
• 47:30
  fully fit into that. And I think that's
• 47:31
  the thing. I think a lot of people,
• 47:33
  maybe maybe younger, people younger than us who
• 47:37
  get... Got to be raised with the Internet
• 47:39
  and add to the information. Maybe more of
• 47:41
  them will have a different experience. But I
• 47:43
  think it's a very human experience to try
• 47:45
  to
• 47:46
  force yourself to fit,
• 47:49
  you know, square ground hole. Mh.
• 47:52
  The the ideals of what you've been taught
• 47:54
  are the air quote correct. Way. Yeah. And
• 47:57
  it never feels right and stat and many
• 48:00
  of us, I know there are people out
• 48:01
  there who figure it out and they're like
• 48:04
  really self actual very early on in life,
• 48:06
  and I'm am very happy for you.
• 48:08
  The rest of us have to go through
• 48:10
  our thirties to forties. It quote mid midlife
• 48:12
  crisis before we get there, whatever.
• 48:14
  Through the meta morph. Right. But,
• 48:17
  you know, the thing I'm
• 48:19
  understanding better now. And then I'm not perfect
• 48:22
  at it. I still get sucked up into
• 48:23
  it for other things
• 48:25
  is what happens is we try to force
• 48:27
  ourself to fit what we've been taught is
• 48:30
  what we're supposed to do. Mh. It doesn't
• 48:32
  feel right. And instead of saying And and
• 48:34
  this thing doesn't flooring. We
• 48:36
  not right. I'm... This doesn't fit. This doesn't
• 48:39
  feel right yet. But, yeah. But the... Before
• 48:40
  you can get to that point of why
• 48:42
  it doesn't feel right now who you really
• 48:44
  are and whatever you're truth is your radical,
• 48:46
  honesty self honesty thing is,
• 48:49
  we we don't say the thing I'm trying
• 48:51
  to do doesn't work for me. We tell
• 48:53
  you know, many not all tell ourselves. I
• 48:55
  am wrong because I can't make this work.
• 48:57
  And I think that it it ought to
• 48:59
  be for folks who can get there very
• 49:01
  free. To realize that you're not wrong. You
• 49:04
  were just trying to make yourself beat somebody,
• 49:06
  you're not you're not. And you're not III
• 49:08
  think... And and there's there is something
• 49:11
  else because it's eat it...
• 49:14
  No. Well, none of it's easy. Yeah. You
• 49:17
  know, to
• 49:18
  to accept
• 49:20
  because
• 49:22
  accepting the truth
• 49:24
  of yourself, your your truth
• 49:28
  is only part of it
• 49:30
  because
• 49:31
  at that point, then, you know, I could
• 49:33
  realize
• 49:34
  that I'm I'm kinky,
• 49:36
  but I'm meant... You know, I these are
• 49:39
  the relationships I've known. This is my comfort
• 49:41
  zone. I have to step out of my
• 49:43
  comfort zone now. Mh. Yeah. You gotta do
• 49:46
  the scary thing. Yeah. And I think
• 49:49
  my experience with talking to other kings and
• 49:51
  the messages we get and the... The people
• 49:53
  who share with us is that a lot
• 49:55
  of people get stuck in that. They know
• 49:57
  who they are. Mh. But to be able
• 49:59
  to take that step into it to try
• 50:01
  to to try to have,
• 50:04
  you know, to to get to live the
• 50:05
  life that they want that feels right for
• 50:07
  them. And that is not 24 7 Power
• 50:09
  exchange for everybody That's whatever
• 50:11
  in this specific case troy Mount Kin. That's
• 50:13
  whatever that means for that.
• 50:15
  Right? At And that, I do see a
• 50:17
  lot of people get stuck there because there's
• 50:18
  a leap of faith that has to happen.
• 50:20
  Mh. And you have to be willing to
• 50:23
  fuck... It up a little bit before you
• 50:24
  can get good at it. Right. And there's
• 50:27
  some friction there, and that is difficult for
• 50:29
  people. Now what I... I like to see,
• 50:31
  but this is where who it can go
• 50:33
  off the rails because friends is a thing.
• 50:35
  It's when people go. I am this kinky
• 50:37
  person and they jump in with both feet
• 50:40
  and blind on.
• 50:43
  They're not... The brain is not a part
• 50:45
  of the place
• 50:46
  out of the frying pan and into the
• 50:48
  fires Was fucking. And I think that, you
• 50:52
  know, I think a lot of us, once
• 50:54
  you hit that
• 50:55
  point of whatever your point of is,
• 50:58
  I'm gonna do this because it's it it's
• 51:01
  it's harder to not do it than it
• 51:03
  is to do it it and there's a
• 51:04
  drive behind it for you that I'm I'm
• 51:06
  going for it. I'm fucking going for it.
• 51:08
  Right? You know, the the frenzy that can
• 51:11
  come on sub, or dom. I mean, we've
• 51:13
  only Yeah. Once or twice even mention the
• 51:16
  concept of maybe there's a dom frenzy, it
• 51:18
  would make sense to me that there is.
• 51:21
  But, you know, that f feeling of, I've
• 51:23
  gotta do all the things. And if I
• 51:24
  don't do it right now, I'll never get
• 51:25
  you to And and it's
• 51:27
  A lot of times, it comes from this
• 51:29
  really joyful place of this excitement of I
• 51:31
  know who I am, and I'm I'm ready.
• 51:33
  Let's go try it out. But. And gonna
• 51:36
  need somebody y'all to keep your thinking cap
• 51:37
  on while you do it?
• 51:39
  Yeah. A little healthy.
• 51:42
  What's the word I want?
• 51:44
  Fuck.
• 51:46
  Not mistrust, but a little healthy, like,
• 51:50
  there's a word I can. Somebody will think
• 51:51
  of it for me. You know, But...
• 51:54
  And there... And those are the 2 extremes
• 51:56
  the... I know I'm kinky, but I'm too
• 51:58
  afraid to do anything about. I'm not ready
• 52:00
  yet. And the thing is is and I'm...
• 52:03
  A lot of times I'm like this in
• 52:05
  these moments we're having these conversations, I'm not,
• 52:07
  But, like, outside of that I am. We
• 52:09
  think that the way we... Feel in this
• 52:11
  moment,
• 52:12
  the fear, the uncertainty, the whatever is how
• 52:16
  we're always gonna fucking feel. And so you
• 52:19
  then there are people who are, like, I'm...
• 52:20
  I know I can keep it I'm too
• 52:21
  afraid to do anything thing. I'll never do
• 52:23
  anything. Well,
• 52:25
  I that might be true, but really what
• 52:26
  it means is now, maybe you're not ready.
• 52:28
  Maybe you're not ready to take that leap
• 52:30
  of faith yet. I... There's not a fucking
• 52:32
  thing wrong with going. I know I'm kinky.
• 52:34
  I am not ready to go to the
• 52:36
  dungeon. I am not ready to talk to
• 52:37
  a person, not ready for lunch. Okay. Then
• 52:39
  do the self work. Like Right. Go learn.
• 52:42
  Go read. Go listen. Go wash, like whatever,
• 52:44
  not there's so many fuck resources out there,
• 52:47
  and sometimes just hearing enough
• 52:50
  varying perspectives.
• 52:52
  On how people figured out they were kinky,
• 52:54
  what they did first, what they've experienced where
• 52:56
  they've been,
• 52:57
  you can
• 52:59
  eventually get to the place where you're ready
• 53:01
  And, you know, that that's the other kind
• 53:03
  of ironic thing I noticed is we talk
• 53:05
  about the radical honesty of figuring out who
• 53:08
  you are and owning it. I am kinky.
• 53:10
  Whatever the fuck that means. Right?
• 53:12
  And
• 53:13
  but the... But because you get, you're not
• 53:15
  ready to take whatever that next step is
• 53:17
  for you. I see a lot of people
• 53:19
  who go, oh, well, maybe I'm not really
• 53:21
  kinky because I'm not running around here, Naked
• 53:23
  knee for everybody who looks at me cross
• 53:24
  side. With a spiked collar on. Like, I
• 53:28
  know. Yeah.
• 53:29
  Everybody just take a deep breath.
• 53:31
  You are... You don't have to go do
• 53:34
  the kin thing you personally can imagine to
• 53:37
  be authentically kinky. Right? You are kinky whether
• 53:40
  you're acting on it or not, if you
• 53:42
  are... If you tell yourself Yep. I'm I'm.
• 53:45
  I'm dumb. I'm a switch.
• 53:47
  I'm a sad. I don't ask you switch,
• 53:48
  whatever labels you start with that feel right
• 53:50
  for you. You are that thing even if
• 53:53
  you have not... Physically jumped into it to
• 53:56
  experience it yet. Now you might jump into
• 53:58
  it experience and go, maybe Not what I
• 54:00
  thought I was. It's fine. That's that's part
• 54:02
  of it. It's part of the the discovery
• 54:04
  process.
• 54:05
  But, yeah, I mean,
• 54:07
  I see some folks who kinda just
• 54:10
  hold themselves back from their own.
• 54:12
  Truth in their own reality every step of
• 54:14
  the fucking way. And then I see the
• 54:16
  people who realize their truth and then jump
• 54:18
  in, fully closed both feed,
• 54:20
  you know, no float on or anything, and
• 54:23
  sometimes that works really well, and then sometimes
• 54:25
  not so much.
• 54:27
  But
• 54:28
  I wonder and I... Because I'm not like
• 54:30
  this. Even though I understand, I think the
• 54:33
  the desire for this. I wonder if for
• 54:36
  some kinks not all
• 54:39
  that
• 54:41
  have this desire because we get this question
• 54:42
  a lot of, how do I tell everybody
• 54:44
  in my life that I'm, you know, in
• 54:46
  a power exchange. Right? And my response tends
• 54:49
  to be. Well, why do you have to
• 54:50
  tell them? Now, it's a personal decision. If
• 54:52
  you wanna tell people you you ought to
• 54:54
  and let's fix how you need do that
• 54:56
  in a way that keeps you as safe
• 54:57
  as possible. But I wonder if for some
• 55:01
  people,
• 55:02
  it's because the radical self honesty is this
• 55:04
  year who I am, and then some of
• 55:07
  that carries on into maybe. Other people need
• 55:09
  to know it because this is such a
• 55:11
  an integral part of who I am. If
• 55:13
  you don't know this part about me. Do
• 55:15
  you really? No. III think,
• 55:19
  you know,
• 55:20
  you say that, you know, why do weather
• 55:22
  it's people need to know. I I think
• 55:24
  it's more of a a self thing. It's
• 55:26
  like, yeah. And I I think it has
• 55:28
  to do it with being honest,
• 55:30
  but
• 55:31
  people I I think for some people, you
• 55:34
  know, whether it's it's it's it's Bd m,
• 55:37
  whether it's any other alternative sure type lifestyle,
• 55:41
  to a certain extent you feel you can't
• 55:43
  be your true self without
• 55:45
  unless people
• 55:46
  know. And here's the thing. I I agree
• 55:48
  with that completely because... How many people are
• 55:50
  close to me in my non king life,
• 55:52
  who know me under my legal name, not
• 55:55
  fucking many. Mh. Because under my legal name
• 55:58
  who is parent and, you know, got
• 56:01
  j family members and all that,
• 56:04
  those folks don't know who I am, not
• 56:07
  on any real team level, not anymore of
• 56:09
  the people. I used to know the people,
• 56:11
  but they didn't know who I was then
• 56:12
  because I have had trust issues, probably from
• 56:14
  the cradle.
• 56:15
  I am to me my true self and
• 56:17
  I'm out in the world as Kayla Lords.
• 56:19
  Now Yeah. Where do I get to go
• 56:20
  to be k, king spaces
• 56:22
  here in the King space we create for
• 56:24
  ourselves, lunches is parties. Done. Who that. Right.
• 56:28
  And I And that, you know, could I
• 56:30
  live my life? As.
• 56:32
  Yes, but then I could never see my
• 56:35
  mother again.
• 56:36
  Right. Right. Yeah. Because for her,
• 56:39
  I am K in sort name she gave
• 56:41
  me. Mh. And that's a different experience, but
• 56:45
  I agree with that. Like,
• 56:47
  I don't want my non kin... The non
• 56:50
  king people in my life to really know
• 56:52
  this part of me, this is way too
• 56:53
  personal minutes. And I don't wanna... I don't
• 56:56
  want to...
• 57:01
  I don't wanna answer questions. I don't wanna
• 57:03
  fucking answer. You know what I mean? I
• 57:05
  don't want to wade through
• 57:08
  the judgments that I... You've met my family.
• 57:10
  You know they would tell me what they
• 57:12
  thought. Right? Yes. I don't wanna can wait
• 57:14
  through that. And we have gone through it
• 57:16
  years ago now. Right. And,
• 57:19
  you know, that it... That was not a
• 57:21
  positive experience not I But for me, the
• 57:24
  way I do it is to go. No,
• 57:26
  for... And this is personal as personal for
• 57:28
  everybody and the way you decide to do
• 57:29
  it is the way you decide to do
• 57:30
  it, I'm not judging it out. All 1
• 57:33
  way or the other.
• 57:34
  For me, if you know me under my
• 57:36
  legal name and you only know that about
• 57:38
  me, you only get a certain layer, me.
• 57:40
  Right. Now does my mother get
• 57:42
  much deeper layer than the average person, of
• 57:44
  course.
• 57:46
  But it for It ain't all of it.
• 57:48
  Mh. And ain't all of it. But if
• 57:50
  you know me as Kayla Awards, you probably
• 57:52
  know shit about me, and I don't just
• 57:53
  my keane clive. You probably know some of
• 57:55
  my inner thoughts that
• 57:58
  not not a soul on that vanilla side
• 58:00
  has scenario.
• 58:02
  And that's for me, that's how I do
• 58:04
  that other people, yeah, They wanna tell their
• 58:06
  closest friends, They wanna tell people that they
• 58:08
  trust. And while
• 58:10
  I cannot relate to that, I want people
• 58:13
  to do that if that's what they want.
• 58:15
  God knows, I'd like to live in a
• 58:16
  world where, you know, the internet doesn't decree
• 58:19
  on any given day that this kin is,
• 58:22
  you know, this negative thing or look like,
• 58:24
  whenever.
• 58:25
  But my whole point to wondering is if
• 58:28
  in the discovery process
• 58:30
  of the self,
• 58:32
  and figure and being radically honest with yourself
• 58:34
  about who you are. If that desire to
• 58:37
  continue to be that honest just for some
• 58:39
  people just transfer Well now Wanna be honest
• 58:41
  with
• 58:42
  everybody that matters to me. Right? Like.
• 58:45
  And I... You know, that makes sense to
• 58:47
  me if that is thing that people have
• 58:50
  experienced. It doesn't have to make sense what...
• 58:53
  All my caveats. Right? It doesn't have nothing
• 58:56
  you do has to make sense to me
• 58:57
  to be valid. I'm just in the conversation.
• 59:01
  Thinking that I can see that. I can
• 59:03
  I can absolutely see how that would work?
• 59:05
  You know?
• 59:07
  So...
• 59:09
  Yeah.
• 59:11
  Up in the live chat. Mh. Silent said,
• 59:14
  what about... Let me see if I can
• 59:16
  find it.
• 59:17
  How that relates to imp center.
• 59:22
  And
• 59:23
  I
• 59:25
  I think... I don't... If we haven't done
• 59:26
  it, I think impostor syndrome who as a
• 59:28
  topic would probably be...
• 59:30
  I have to go back to the archives.
• 59:31
  We might have done it 403
• 59:33
  episodes later.
• 59:36
  Impostor syndrome,
• 59:38
  is an interesting concept because it's something that
• 59:40
  for a long time I carried around as,
• 59:42
  like, part of who I was part of
• 59:43
  my identity. I have a impostor syndrome, And
• 59:45
  I'll have to go dig it up. It
• 59:46
  was a video. It was something I read.
• 59:48
  It was something where
• 59:50
  it was a video of a a high
• 59:52
  powered
• 59:53
  woman giving
• 59:55
  commencement speech to a college, like, all female
• 59:59
  graduating class or something. And she was talking
• 1:00:01
  about how impostor syndrome is kind of the
• 1:00:06
  it's not what we've been taught to internalize.
• 1:00:09
  It's something that's kind of put on us
• 1:00:11
  in Blah blah. So that is a an
• 1:00:14
  as an idea and and
• 1:00:16
  its own topic if we haven't done yet,
• 1:00:17
  It's very interesting to me,
• 1:00:19
  blah with impostor syndrome
• 1:00:22
  as it relates to radical honesty,
• 1:00:25
  I think that might be where
• 1:00:28
  2 worlds collide
• 1:00:30
  if radical honesty is to realize and embrace
• 1:00:33
  within yourself that you are, whatever your kin
• 1:00:36
  identity is. Right? Oh an impostor syndrome is
• 1:00:39
  that feeling of ever... I don't know what
• 1:00:42
  I'm doing. I'm not doing it Everybody knows.
• 1:00:43
  I don't know what I'm doing. But I
• 1:00:45
  get here I deserve that. I'm not doing...
• 1:00:47
  You know, right. What I'm doing is nowhere
• 1:00:49
  near as good as what that person is
• 1:00:51
  doing. I feel like that is
• 1:00:55
  only in terms of radical honesty, and I
• 1:00:57
  think this is only, like,
• 1:00:59
  1 1 millionth of a degree of all
• 1:01:02
  of the things Could go into impostor syndrome,
• 1:01:05
  I would say that that is the self
• 1:01:06
  lying to itself. Because first of all, impostor
• 1:01:09
  syndrome,
• 1:01:09
  you Sometimes for some people comes from anxiety.
• 1:01:13
  And anxiety is your lying brain lying to
• 1:01:15
  you or. Yeah.
• 1:01:18
  You know, it's it's telling you, hey, what
• 1:01:21
  you would need to think about are all
• 1:01:22
  the things that could happen in the future
• 1:01:24
  that we can't actually predict, but we're gonna
• 1:01:26
  try to predict. Them, and we're gonna tell
• 1:01:28
  you it's a self protective thing, but actually,
• 1:01:31
  it's gonna suck for you. Right? Like,
• 1:01:34
  And so I almost feel like
• 1:01:37
  on some level
• 1:01:39
  that... And I've I've... Have the the feeling
• 1:01:42
  before. So it's not to negate that the
• 1:01:44
  feeling of impostor syndrome does not exist, it
• 1:01:46
  absolutely does is a thing. Right? But if
• 1:01:49
  it's got a... Front radical honesty.
• 1:01:53
  It's it's it's almost the anti to radical
• 1:01:56
  honesty. Because radical and honesty is this is
• 1:01:58
  who I am, and this is this is
• 1:02:00
  what is authentic to me in this moment.
• 1:02:02
  Mh which means you own the fact that
• 1:02:04
  you are the thing, whatever that thing is.
• 1:02:06
  Then even have to be a king identity,
• 1:02:08
  and it doesn't matter.
• 1:02:10
  Somebody else's kin identity or what they're doing
• 1:02:12
  with their identity or how it works or
• 1:02:14
  what the worlds, says this kin identity does.
• 1:02:17
  Radical honesty means I know myself in this...
• 1:02:20
  And I am firm it. Mh.
• 1:02:23
  Impostor syndrome
• 1:02:26
  again, as a millionth of a degree of
• 1:02:28
  the whole conversation because it's very nuanced. Mh.
• 1:02:30
  Is the self going...
• 1:02:32
  But are you new Right. Yeah. Yeah. Right.
• 1:02:36
  So
• 1:02:37
  and silent
• 1:02:39
  makes a
• 1:02:40
  nothing no episodes about impostor. So guess what
• 1:02:44
  that'll be coming up at a point.
• 1:02:49
  Do, you know, I... Do I personally
• 1:02:51
  as an individual cable lords think radical honesty
• 1:02:55
  of self and with others? Is it AAA
• 1:02:59
  good thing. In general, yes. Yeah. I do
• 1:03:02
  think the the way I express my radical
• 1:03:05
  honesty to you,
• 1:03:07
  I can admit it is probably not always
• 1:03:10
  the healthiest
• 1:03:11
  because
• 1:03:12
  does it cause me
• 1:03:14
  unnecessary an.
• 1:03:16
  Sometime. Yeah. And
• 1:03:18
  and yet there are times that I have
• 1:03:20
  said to you,
• 1:03:22
  I didn't even to know that much.
• 1:03:25
  But I needed you to know that much.
• 1:03:27
  And that
• 1:03:28
  and that is a clash of things. Right?
• 1:03:30
  Like, where does? Yeah. Your...
• 1:03:34
  My need for you to know, Mh.
• 1:03:37
  And and your
• 1:03:38
  need to not know, began. Yep. And that's
• 1:03:41
  I think the push and pull of figuring
• 1:03:43
  that out. Mh. I, you know, I think
• 1:03:45
  if
• 1:03:47
  I would never tell. I think I have.
• 1:03:48
  We're gonna talk about that later at some
• 1:03:50
  point.
• 1:03:51
  Okay.
• 1:03:53
  You're...
• 1:03:54
  I I know what my radical honesty gets
• 1:03:56
  me. It it reduces my own personal anxiety
• 1:03:59
  and it gets me in trouble. At the
• 1:04:01
  same time. And that feels inherently
• 1:04:03
  unfair,
• 1:04:05
  but it is what it is... Trouble if
• 1:04:07
  that's any conflict. Okay. That's what I needed.
• 1:04:09
  We're not trouble. At what I need to
• 1:04:11
  know. Yeah.
• 1:04:13
  Because I'm absolutely still that little kid who
• 1:04:15
  like walked around
• 1:04:17
  yeah. A...
• 1:04:19
  Like,
• 1:04:20
  picture perfect child because I was so afraid
• 1:04:22
  of getting in trouble and yet still managed
• 1:04:24
  to get in trouble because
• 1:04:26
  some people needed therapy more than they needed
• 1:04:28
  to be parent. But whatever,
• 1:04:30
  whatever.
• 1:04:31
  What is that thing that I hear on
• 1:04:33
  the Internet a lot is that a lot
• 1:04:35
  of us are in therapy
• 1:04:37
  for the things done to us by people
• 1:04:39
  who refuse to go to therapy, like...
• 1:04:41
  Yeah. Yeah.
• 1:04:43
  Yep.
• 1:04:44
  Yep. But, you know,
• 1:04:46
  my brand of, I will say it to
• 1:04:49
  my own detriment. I don't... I'm not saying
• 1:04:51
  everybody up. Ought to be like that. Do
• 1:04:52
  I think that more people ought be more
• 1:04:54
  honest than they are?
• 1:04:56
  Yeah. Because it goes back to
• 1:04:58
  learn how to have the hard fucking conversation.
• 1:05:01
  Say the hard thing. I will admit to
• 1:05:03
  Jb that I fucked up, and I'll look
• 1:05:04
  him in the eyes when I do it
• 1:05:07
  because
• 1:05:08
  he is a safe person for me to
• 1:05:09
  have the hard conversation when we have gotten
• 1:05:12
  through harder
• 1:05:14
  conversations than me having to fucking admit. I
• 1:05:16
  didn't full cheat. Like we've been there done
• 1:05:19
  that. So I think some truth telling and
• 1:05:22
  some radical honesty,
• 1:05:23
  in your power and with a kin partner
• 1:05:26
  is
• 1:05:27
  necessary for you to to grow a deeper
• 1:05:29
  bond. The hard part is not everybody is
• 1:05:32
  worthy
• 1:05:33
  of your rap... Your truth. Right? We've talked
• 1:05:36
  about that when we talked about vulnerability and
• 1:05:38
  intimacy. Not
• 1:05:39
  everybody actually deserves that. And that's a hard
• 1:05:41
  life lesson to go through a figure out
• 1:05:43
  who the hell deserves it and who doesn't.
• 1:05:47
  But I would rather more people
• 1:05:49
  learn how to say the hard thing in
• 1:05:51
  terms of hard thing isn't admitting when you
• 1:05:52
  were wrong or admitting you did a thing
• 1:05:54
  or admitting you didn't do a thing because
• 1:05:56
  I think think that that is how that
• 1:05:58
  bond grows and how
• 1:06:00
  trust and integrity and all of that deepens
• 1:06:02
  with a partner that you want it to
• 1:06:04
  deepen with. Mh.
• 1:06:06
  Think I do not think
• 1:06:08
  anybody needs to go to the extremes with
• 1:06:09
  what I get.
• 1:06:11
  No.
• 1:06:12
  You would never advocate for that.
• 1:06:14
  When it comes to radical on, see of
• 1:06:16
  self. I think that... I think anybody who
• 1:06:19
  is able to
• 1:06:21
  look themselves in the eye, like, go to
• 1:06:23
  the mirror. Right? Or tell another human being
• 1:06:25
  or whatever that, like, deep that
• 1:06:28
  admission looks like and go. I'm kinky and
• 1:06:31
  here's what that means. Me, you've already found
• 1:06:34
  a sense of radical honesty.
• 1:06:36
  The fact that anything out told you back
• 1:06:39
  is just part of the process. Like,
• 1:06:41
  for you know,
• 1:06:42
  I don't think you wake up 1 day,
• 1:06:44
  fully actual of, I know exactly who I
• 1:06:47
  am. And I know what that means, and
• 1:06:48
  I'm ready to... Do all the things, and
• 1:06:49
  I will never be nervous about it again?
• 1:06:51
  Like,
• 1:06:52
  okay. What drugs are you taking and could
• 1:06:54
  you share? Because the rest of us mere
• 1:06:56
  mortals wake up on Monday and go, yeah.
• 1:06:59
  I'm kinky. Okay. Now on Tuesday we wake
• 1:07:02
  up and go what the fuck does that
• 1:07:03
  even mean and how do I find a
• 1:07:04
  partner and what Am I gotta fuck this
• 1:07:06
  like, I mean, that's just part of the
• 1:07:08
  process. Now what? Right. Now what?
• 1:07:11
  So... Yeah.
• 1:07:14
  So
• 1:07:16
  Yeah.
• 1:07:18
  I have run out of steam, So I
• 1:07:20
  can actually honestly say that while things will
• 1:07:23
  occur to me later of, oh, you definitely
• 1:07:25
  should set that. Right now,
• 1:07:27
  I'm out of words.
• 1:07:30
  So I guess we could
• 1:07:32
  kindly wrap it up and head into the
• 1:07:34
  bonus second. We can. And there's there's stuff
• 1:07:36
  for the bonus. Should. Yeah. Yeah.
• 1:07:38
  So that's that on radical honesty.
• 1:07:41
  Okay. So are we
• 1:07:43
  are we good? I have no fucking glasses
• 1:07:46
  Keep it jin on. And we'll see you
• 1:07:48
  next week.
• 1:08:00
  Yes, baby girl.
• 1:08:01
  Can we talk for the crickets, please. Yeah.
• 1:08:03
  Yeah. So first, I'd just like say, happy
• 1:08:06
  your birthday Andre? Oh, yeah Caught. Alright. All
• 1:08:09
  the people we know. I'll even damn cancers.
• 1:08:12
  All these summer babies you know where our
• 1:08:13
  parents are doing in the cold months? What
• 1:08:15
  else was there to do?
• 1:08:17
  Apparently.
• 1:08:19
  Hey. I know how old you are what
• 1:08:21
  else was there to do in the cold
• 1:08:22
  month.
• 1:08:25
  And deep. And yeah and technically, my parents
• 1:08:28
  too, but it was Florida. It was Florida
• 1:08:30
  Winter. Yeah. That was January.
• 1:08:32
  They were... That's when it gets cold in
• 1:08:33
  Florida. So I know what they were doing
• 1:08:35
  to keep.
• 1:08:37
  And then my mother pushed out a nearly
• 1:08:39
  9 pound.
• 1:08:41
  And thank you for the birthday wishes spoke.
• 1:08:43
  Yes. If you're joining us after, like, late
• 1:08:46
  and you're like, what the fuck?
• 1:08:48
  Jb birthday is Friday, July twelfth. For podcast
• 1:08:50
  listeners sn. It's the day this episode
• 1:08:53
  goes live.
• 1:08:54
  Everybody else. Like watching on video or whatever.
• 1:08:56
  For time travel. For So... Mh. Mh. Mh.
• 1:09:00
  So
• 1:09:01
  you have a big announcement.
• 1:09:05
  Still doesn't feel real. I know it doesn't.
• 1:09:06
  Y'all... He's h this up and you're gonna
• 1:09:08
  be like, what, the fuck... It's it's big.
• 1:09:10
  It's it's big for us. If for us.
• 1:09:13
  It's not big like in don't know. It...
• 1:09:15
  It's not earth chatter. It's not gonna... But
• 1:09:17
  it is. It stop stop stop the world
• 1:09:20
  or, you know, Anything.
• 1:09:21
  But it it's a big, very big deal
• 1:09:24
  for us. Mh.
• 1:09:28
  We finished eighth grade.
• 1:09:32
  Finally, our first
• 1:09:34
  year of homeschooling.
• 1:09:37
  I'm a need to become 1 of those
• 1:09:38
  moms who... 1 owns a Stanley because I
• 1:09:40
  don't even own a Stanley. And who puts
• 1:09:42
  her alcohol in it because mh. I'm pretty
• 1:09:45
  sure that would make the school stuff much
• 1:09:47
  more interesting.
• 1:09:48
  I just boost it up a little bit
• 1:09:51
  so so, yes. We we are
• 1:09:54
  now,
• 1:09:56
  officially parents of a high school? Yes. Rising
• 1:09:59
  ninth grader. Yeah. Yeah. I'm gonna be old
• 1:10:02
  fashioned and old fashioned for the south because
• 1:10:04
  I think, like you Northern folks still have
• 1:10:06
  this experience. He's not starting school till after
• 1:10:08
  labor day. Yeah. No.
• 1:10:11
  The the rest of his peers here in
• 1:10:13
  the county will start. I think I'm august
• 1:10:15
  fucking fifth. What the hell is that shit?
• 1:10:17
  I know.
• 1:10:18
  I know. No. We're gonna We're gonna take
• 1:10:20
  off. They keep. Moving it
• 1:10:23
  and further. But now. But but, yeah, we...
• 1:10:26
  We're we're definitely taking bit of a break.
• 1:10:29
  We need other things to focus on at
• 1:10:30
  the moment.
• 1:10:31
  I again still hasn't quite sunk in.
• 1:10:35
  Because we had kind even to... So Tuesday
• 1:10:37
  day before recording.
• 1:10:39
  It was his last call with a teacher,
• 1:10:41
  his last exam. We did them back to
• 1:10:43
  back, which was not his normal thing, but
• 1:10:45
  that's how we did it because we wanted
• 1:10:46
  to get fucking done with this.
• 1:10:48
  So
• 1:10:50
  the that Tuesday it didn't feel real because
• 1:10:52
  we had done school.
• 1:10:54
  Today, it doesn't quite feel real because with
• 1:10:56
  this with us live. I Wednesdays is we're
• 1:10:58
  always kind of a weird day for school.
• 1:11:00
  Anyway,
• 1:11:01
  I'm thinking it's not gonna feel real probably
• 1:11:04
  till next week when I'm going into the
• 1:11:06
  week and no conversation that I have with
• 1:11:08
  anybody is about what assignment to do what
• 1:11:11
  no Who's gonna sit the kid because even
• 1:11:13
  when he didn't need help school, he needs
• 1:11:15
  a needs body.
• 1:11:16
  Just needs somebody there and you can do
• 1:11:18
  it. And it's, like, who's gonna do do
• 1:11:20
  I have to text the teacher? Do I
• 1:11:22
  have to email a teacher? Like,
• 1:11:24
  none of that. And the way we're gonna
• 1:11:26
  try to have it for his first year,
• 1:11:28
  high school is I well, I'm not a
• 1:11:30
  teacher. The curriculum we pay money for. Will
• 1:11:33
  hopefully be the. But, like, there's no email
• 1:11:35
  and no damn is me,
• 1:11:37
  which I know. That what's gonna happen, come
• 1:11:41
  whatever the day after Labor Day is this
• 1:11:42
  year is when the panic will set in
• 1:11:45
  of what do you mean is just me
• 1:11:47
  I'm not fucking qualified.
• 1:11:51
  So... But I got a couple of months
• 1:11:52
  before I gotta work about.
• 1:11:59
  Yep.
• 1:12:00
  So, yeah. Yep. Good bill. Mh.
• 1:12:03
  And he, you know, he ended.
• 1:12:05
  At all with decent grades. You did.
• 1:12:08
  You did 1 a.
• 1:12:11
  Overall, it was like a couple of a's,
• 1:12:13
  mostly b's and 1
• 1:12:15
  little c, which was 1 of those c's
• 1:12:18
  that, like,
• 1:12:19
  half a point and it would have been
• 1:12:21
  a be. Yeah. Yeah. But I also don't
• 1:12:23
  fucking care. It was as hard as fucking
• 1:12:24
  class and he earned that fucking. Yep.
• 1:12:27
  So quite frankly so did I. Because... And
• 1:12:29
  and you know what? I I look it
• 1:12:31
  this way. Everybody can't be good at everything.
• 1:12:33
  Nah. Us See, And I'm...
• 1:12:35
  It's yet another
• 1:12:37
  moment where I'm purposely being the exact opposite
• 1:12:40
  of how I was parent. The expectation was
• 1:12:43
  I would come home straight a's. If it
• 1:12:44
  wasn't an a, what the fuck did Id
• 1:12:46
  wrong. That was... That was how I was
• 1:12:48
  raised. And so I'm like, I just need
• 1:12:50
  to know that you're putting in the f
• 1:12:51
  for that you can put in.
• 1:12:53
  Right. And if there's effort there, and that's
• 1:12:55
  what the greatest is. That's what the greatest
• 1:12:56
  is. Yep. So...
• 1:12:58
  Yeah.
• 1:13:00
  That Yeah. But I get we both get
• 1:13:01
  a couple months off.
• 1:13:03
  We're both very excited about it. Yeah.
• 1:13:07
  So, yeah. So yeah, that's the... That's the
• 1:13:09
  thing.
• 1:13:10
  And
• 1:13:12
  Lola was doing okay?
• 1:13:14
  Yeah.
• 1:13:16
  Not gonna to say she's a hundred percent
• 1:13:18
  herself. No. But she's per year than she
• 1:13:21
  she's perk than than she has been.
• 1:13:24
  We've
• 1:13:26
  we've redo doubled our effort. To monitor her
• 1:13:29
  food.
• 1:13:32
  Once again,
• 1:13:34
  she is taking
• 1:13:35
  the thyroid
• 1:13:36
  medication. Mh. She takes pills so well, because
• 1:13:38
  she'll eat in
• 1:13:39
  in. So she'll eat it. She even know
• 1:13:42
  that is a pill. Yeah. So, you know,
• 1:13:44
  she she started the the thyroid
• 1:13:46
  medication. She's been on that for a little
• 1:13:48
  bit.
• 1:13:51
  She's...
• 1:13:57
  Maybe not quite half into the antibiotic.
• 1:14:00
  That she was taking.
• 1:14:03
  Lauren she takes 3 and a half pills
• 1:14:05
  of the ant.
• 1:14:06
  Oh my gosh. I'm trying to hide those.
• 1:14:08
  That's...
• 1:14:09
  Yeah.
• 1:14:10
  But,
• 1:14:12
  yeah. She she seems to be doing okay.
• 1:14:15
  I... You know, the the Vet did talk
• 1:14:17
  about side effects.
• 1:14:19
  Possible side effects from from the medic different
• 1:14:22
  medications.
• 1:14:23
  So far,
• 1:14:24
  have not
• 1:14:26
  really seen any any of the side effects.
• 1:14:28
  Mh.
• 1:14:29
  With her.
• 1:14:30
  So
• 1:14:33
  yeah. She's she seems she seems to be
• 1:14:34
  doing okay last night. Oh my gosh. She
• 1:14:37
  she was in a playful mood. Oh, yeah.
• 1:14:40
  I don't know if you you were sitting
• 1:14:41
  with.
• 1:14:42
  I was doing history. With the youngest,
• 1:14:44
  and
• 1:14:46
  she she decided to play me and her
• 1:14:48
  and eye. We were
• 1:14:49
  playing tug war.
• 1:14:51
  Back here and and she... Yeah. Because I
• 1:14:53
  looked at... 14 year I went. What's that
• 1:14:55
  noise? And he's like, I think, mister John
• 1:14:57
  and Lola play, And I was like, oh,
• 1:14:59
  okay.
• 1:15:01
  Lola takes her
• 1:15:03
  The tug war very serious. You had to
• 1:15:05
  get a special tug of award toy so
• 1:15:07
  she wouldn't tear anymore. Right.
• 1:15:09
  And it it holding up pretty well. It's
• 1:15:11
  holding up very well.
• 1:15:14
  So... She's sn now. Yeah. And
• 1:15:18
  I'm, you know,
• 1:15:20
  I have been doing better with my back.
• 1:15:24
  And and I with that, I have been
• 1:15:27
  trying make sure I get her out more
• 1:15:29
  often
• 1:15:30
  Yes for walk. To the point that she
• 1:15:32
  now
• 1:15:34
  will
• 1:15:35
  let us know in know uncertain terms that
• 1:15:37
  she would like to go forward. Thank you
• 1:15:39
  very much. Yeah.
• 1:15:41
  So,
• 1:15:43
  You know, yeah. Been been doing that with
• 1:15:45
  her. Mh.
• 1:15:47
  And we're still walking? Yeah. We did it
• 1:15:50
  this morning day recording. Mh.
• 1:15:52
  Tell me, I mean, and we're each of
• 1:15:54
  our own individual experience of this damn walk.
• 1:15:56
  The past few times that we did it.
• 1:15:59
  I...
• 1:16:00
  I mean, it felt like I was trying
• 1:16:01
  to move my body through mud. Like, I
• 1:16:03
  was un coordinated. I couldn't get my arms
• 1:16:05
  and my legs to, like, move together
• 1:16:08
  today. Mh.
• 1:16:09
  Like, it was stream. Like, I I think
• 1:16:11
  we were moving faster than we normally did.
• 1:16:13
  I I think it was almost easy today.
• 1:16:15
  Yeah.
• 1:16:18
  Definitely moving faster.
• 1:16:20
  Okay. Definitely definitely moving faster. We we've we've
• 1:16:23
  we've certainly...
• 1:16:24
  If we we we certainly picked up the
• 1:16:26
  pace.
• 1:16:29
  Now see this morning
• 1:16:31
  and
• 1:16:33
  Monday, Mh.
• 1:16:35
  But those days were
• 1:16:38
  rough. Oh, were they for me? My... Monday
• 1:16:41
  Monday was actually the worst.
• 1:16:43
  To me Monday felt like the humidity
• 1:16:46
  was already at at that hour the morning
• 1:16:49
  just miserable.
• 1:16:50
  Last week was really rough. And Monday was
• 1:16:52
  rough for me. Mh.
• 1:16:54
  But I don't... For me, I don't ever
• 1:16:56
  chalk it up to the, like, humidity is
• 1:16:58
  truly, like, getting my body to want to
• 1:17:01
  move almost like a Marion.
• 1:17:04
  Like, who's got the strings because they don't
• 1:17:05
  know what the fuck they're doing. Right? But
• 1:17:07
  today I was just like,
• 1:17:09
  I was almost gaze cell like in my.
• 1:17:12
  They were smooth and fluid, like the arms
• 1:17:14
  and legs knew what to do. Because you
• 1:17:16
  noticed
• 1:17:17
  Monday, and again, today. Mh. You didn't do
• 1:17:20
  the back. We all the way down and
• 1:17:22
  back. Yeah.
• 1:17:23
  So on the street... We live on. Our
• 1:17:26
  house is, like, kind of in the middle
• 1:17:27
  street. Right? And the street doesn't end and,
• 1:17:31
  like, go another road technically. Technically.
• 1:17:34
  A dead end. Yeah.
• 1:17:37
  So what Jb had been doing for a
• 1:17:39
  while, and I had, like, gotten
• 1:17:41
  myself, just... I just accepted it. I wasn't
• 1:17:44
  pounding anymore
• 1:17:45
  is we would on our way back. We
• 1:17:47
  would bypass our house. Down to the end
• 1:17:49
  of the street and then come back up.
• 1:17:51
  Yeah. But he doesn't slow the pace down
• 1:17:53
  so that it's a cool down. We're still
• 1:17:54
  going at full force.
• 1:17:56
  I would say, maybe that should be our
• 1:17:57
  cool down, but whatever do I know? But
• 1:17:59
  the past... Yeah, couple days you hadn't done
• 1:18:01
  it. Yeah. And I've
• 1:18:03
  gotten very... I don't know if I'm... If
• 1:18:05
  this is the correct way I think about
• 1:18:06
  it, but kinda zen like about it. When
• 1:18:08
  we turn back down on our street, and
• 1:18:10
  we're getting closer to our house I don't
• 1:18:12
  I tell myself,
• 1:18:13
  if we turn if we turn and go
• 1:18:15
  up the driveway. Great. If we don't...
• 1:18:18
  Fine.
• 1:18:19
  I'm prepared for whichever 1 he chooses
• 1:18:22
  this is fine. And I've... In the moment,
• 1:18:24
  I don't sound like in now. I know,
• 1:18:26
  but in the moment, Genuinely believe it? Mh.
• 1:18:28
  That does not mean though that the moment
• 1:18:30
  I see that he's turned up the driveway.
• 1:18:32
  My brain goes, oh, fucking god. Do you
• 1:18:35
  Yeah.
• 1:18:38
  You know, we're we're doing okay with it.
• 1:18:40
  We're we're holding in there. Now how it
• 1:18:43
  will hold up through
• 1:18:45
  August.
• 1:18:46
  Mh. We can't go any fucking earlier, and,
• 1:18:48
  you know, the main street that we walked
• 1:18:51
  down for first part of our walk after
• 1:18:53
  we get off our road, it has been
• 1:18:55
  dark lately, like darker than usual.
• 1:18:57
  Partly of couple street lights are out here.
• 1:18:59
  Yeah. And it's an overcast and... Right. There
• 1:19:01
  was 1 house that always left their back,
• 1:19:04
  porch lights on, Like, they had these hanging
• 1:19:06
  lights. And they They've changed in some way
• 1:19:08
  1 night they were out, whatever. So
• 1:19:11
  today, Jb wore a head lamp.
• 1:19:15
  What I learned
• 1:19:17
  about Jb, wearing a head lamp. For the
• 1:19:20
  walk 1, there was a little a little
• 1:19:22
  light, that made me feel better. I was,
• 1:19:24
  I felt a little calmer. But I also
• 1:19:26
  learned that this man's head is on a
• 1:19:27
  fucking swivel.
• 1:19:32
  I learned trying to follow the light as
• 1:19:34
  like, that's letting me know what's gonna bad
• 1:19:36
  and the lights. Oh, it's back. It's forth
• 1:19:39
  it... Street. This is
• 1:19:41
  every road, and he had a pattern and
• 1:19:43
  he had a tempo to it. We would
• 1:19:46
  turn down a new road.
• 1:19:48
  Left, right center,
• 1:19:51
  about 5 seconds, left. Right. And I'm trying
• 1:19:54
  to, like, let the light shine, like, all
• 1:19:56
  the light on the road, so I could
• 1:19:58
  see what's coming and every time he would
• 1:19:59
  move up I'm like, god.
• 1:20:01
  More walking.
• 1:20:03
  All This is also because I'm scanning I'm
• 1:20:06
  scanning.
• 1:20:08
  And that's a good thing because he... So
• 1:20:10
  look, for all my radical honesty bullshit,
• 1:20:13
  I don't wanna know what I don't wanna
• 1:20:14
  know.
• 1:20:16
  And I could never do a 05:30AM
• 1:20:18
  walk in the total fucking dark by myself.
• 1:20:20
  Wouldn't do it. Can't do it.
• 1:20:23
  But him with me is the only way
• 1:20:24
  it's happening. I feel a modi come of
• 1:20:27
  comfort because he's already proven that if we
• 1:20:29
  think something's coming at us, he shows me
• 1:20:31
  behind him. It's...
• 1:20:32
  Wonderful because thank god. Okay.
• 1:20:37
  Mentally, I'm ready, like, and it's... When it's
• 1:20:39
  mental stuff, I will be the warrior, I'll
• 1:20:42
  put him to the back of protecting book.
• 1:20:43
  Physically, I need somebody to hide behind. But
• 1:20:46
  my thing is because denial is powerful. I'm
• 1:20:48
  like, if I don't look around and I
• 1:20:50
  don't see the danger at the danger just
• 1:20:51
  not exist.
• 1:20:53
  So his
• 1:20:54
  Eyes Invisible. Nobody could see me. His heads
• 1:20:58
  on a swivel and I'm just like
• 1:21:00
  look ahead, make eye contact with nothing.
• 1:21:03
  That's how you get safely through.
• 1:21:05
  Yeah.
• 1:21:07
  We, you know,
• 1:21:08
  we
• 1:21:10
  have been now
• 1:21:12
  twice. Actually, 3 times,
• 1:21:14
  twice by 1 dog,
• 1:21:16
  want by another. Mh. You know? And in
• 1:21:19
  our walk.
• 1:21:21
  They have been very friendly. Yeah Yeah. I'm
• 1:21:23
  very puppy like both. Mh. 1 was a
• 1:21:25
  pity, like, a white. Yeah. Was like, I
• 1:21:28
  I couldn't tell the dark, what color of
• 1:21:29
  the spot brown. Maybe Brown, but
• 1:21:31
  sweet baby Yeah.
• 1:21:33
  Such a puppy and such a goof ball
• 1:21:36
  that the puppy got the Zoom ran around
• 1:21:40
  us, round his mom, and then tripped over
• 1:21:42
  his own feet
• 1:21:44
  now zoom.
• 1:21:46
  And, you know, that... It's only happened twice
• 1:21:48
  his that we've met with. And and and
• 1:21:51
  the owner was running out. She's like, he's
• 1:21:53
  friendly. He's friendly. And I'm like, I know
• 1:21:55
  he's looking my hand, right.
• 1:21:59
  But,
• 1:22:01
  yeah. I...
• 1:22:03
  Yeah. Learning that you are constantly scanning. I...
• 1:22:06
  I mean,
• 1:22:08
  Once I realized what you were doing, I
• 1:22:09
  was like, that's probably a good and safe
• 1:22:11
  and wonderful thing, and I'm very happy, but
• 1:22:13
  also could you point the fucking light the
• 1:22:16
  front.
• 1:22:18
  This is supposed to help us see in
• 1:22:20
  front of us
• 1:22:22
  But
• 1:22:24
  Yeah.
• 1:22:27
  The walks are going great.
• 1:22:30
  Now I have to I have to say
• 1:22:32
  this because I know at the beginning of
• 1:22:33
  the pot podcast. And I... Am maybe even
• 1:22:35
  not at the very beginning. Maybe even in
• 1:22:36
  the past few years. I used to say
• 1:22:37
  this all the time because he used to
• 1:22:38
  say this. There was a legit rule.
• 1:22:41
  Rule y'all in this house.
• 1:22:44
  That Jb did not talk to no damn
• 1:22:46
  body till he'd had at least a few
• 1:22:49
  coffee in the morning. And I had to
• 1:22:51
  learn that the hard weights because,
• 1:22:53
  look, between parenting and having jobs or I
• 1:22:56
  had to be up and, like,
• 1:22:58
  functioning at, like, 07:00 in the morning I
• 1:23:01
  trained myself to know how to just get
• 1:23:02
  up, and, I don't wanna talk to no
• 1:23:04
  fucking body, but I can. Okay? And I
• 1:23:07
  love Jb. So I desperately wanna talk to
• 1:23:09
  him. Hang
• 1:23:10
  even if it's to tell him about the
• 1:23:12
  main thing, he did to me in my
• 1:23:14
  dream
• 1:23:15
  that hurt my darling.
• 1:23:18
  But so I had to like, learn to
• 1:23:20
  not, like, not immediately start talking when he
• 1:23:23
  first woke up wakes up. And we've been
• 1:23:25
  doing that for years. It's like it's a
• 1:23:28
  family joke that if we're gonna leave to
• 1:23:30
  go anywhere as a family
• 1:23:32
  before Jb b's had his first cup of
• 1:23:34
  coffee, don't make eye contact don't shit chat,
• 1:23:38
  just get in the fucking car, and once
• 1:23:40
  he takes a couple of sips, then it's
• 1:23:42
  say. It's fine.
• 1:23:43
  That... I mean, that's been the family fucking
• 1:23:46
  rule 10 years. Mh.
• 1:23:49
  This man won't to talk on the morning
• 1:23:50
  and fucking walk. I'm like, I'm not prepared
• 1:23:52
  to talk. Where you did not always.
• 1:23:58
  You were chad.
• 1:24:00
  URT.
• 1:24:06
  Mh.
• 1:24:08
  So, yeah.
• 1:24:11
  My thing
• 1:24:13
  is that I spent the day with the
• 1:24:14
  18 year old, you did. I thought silly
• 1:24:17
  me.
• 1:24:18
  I thought this was an out back trip.
• 1:24:21
  Kid was home... First mistake. Right. Kid was
• 1:24:23
  home over fourth of July.
• 1:24:25
  And he had gotten prescriptions refilled. He was
• 1:24:27
  like, oh, they're gonna come in while I'm
• 1:24:29
  at home. Let me just have them deliver,
• 1:24:32
  like, filled at the home pharmacy. Well, they
• 1:24:35
  didn't... They didn't have them. So he had
• 1:24:36
  to wait.
• 1:24:38
  And so he was like, hey. Well, my
• 1:24:39
  meds come in, when you bring them to
• 1:24:41
  me, and I'm like, of course,
• 1:24:42
  So they came in yesterday, Tuesday, Today, Wednesday.
• 1:24:46
  I I had told him. I'll come I'll
• 1:24:48
  come to you, like, mid morning. Drop you...
• 1:24:50
  Medication. He just can me go to the
• 1:24:51
  grocery store. Like, Of course. If from I'm
• 1:24:53
  there with the car, well, like, why am
• 1:24:54
  Gonna make him sc around.
• 1:24:56
  Also that mountain I was buying groceries.
• 1:24:59
  Okay. Fine.
• 1:25:00
  The kid has learned the fine art of
• 1:25:03
  who has to look at a price when
• 1:25:05
  mom is paying. I was like, that shit.
• 1:25:07
  And we're at aldi day. I'm like, that
• 1:25:08
  should I won't even buy 1. Right?
• 1:25:12
  I know what he's doing. He's not eating
• 1:25:13
  out, so he's, like, making sure he. I
• 1:25:15
  was like, It's fine. It's fine.
• 1:25:18
  Okay. So I thought I'm gonna get there
• 1:25:20
  at to about 10. My hand his meds.
• 1:25:22
  We're gonna get in the car. Gonna go
• 1:25:24
  to Aldi. I'll be home by noon.
• 1:25:27
  03:00.
• 1:25:28
  Not quiet, But just before 03:00.
• 1:25:30
  So when I got, are home because I
• 1:25:32
  got there. He was actually finishing up an
• 1:25:35
  online class. He had muted his camera off
• 1:25:37
  muted himself. He's like, I run at even
• 1:25:39
  listening to it, but I wanna be counted
• 1:25:41
  as present for the whole thing. So I
• 1:25:43
  gotta keep it up, and then the the
• 1:25:46
  professor like, went over by 5 minutes. Seems
• 1:25:48
  like then he goes, I haven't showered yet
• 1:25:50
  and I'm like,
• 1:25:52
  hi. So they had to shower and he's
• 1:25:53
  like, and then 5 that is my child
• 1:25:56
  through and through, so a stream of consciousness
• 1:25:58
  talking and so much to say, which is
• 1:26:00
  fine. I like soak it up now that
• 1:26:02
  I don't get it daily.
• 1:26:04
  So that's took, like an extra 30, 40
• 1:26:06
  minutes. Then we go to the grocery store,
• 1:26:08
  then he's like, but I'm hungry. And I'm
• 1:26:09
  like, but this is Florida in July and
• 1:26:11
  you bought ben and Jerry's
• 1:26:13
  I'm sorry. I bought Ben and jerry's.
• 1:26:16
  We need to get this into a freezer.
• 1:26:17
  He goes, oh, well, then we can go
• 1:26:19
  back out. So we did. I got stuck
• 1:26:21
  in traffic.
• 1:26:23
  And then Satin had lunch, and he had
• 1:26:25
  more to say, which was a... Yeah, It
• 1:26:27
  was good. Like, I joke about it. But
• 1:26:29
  I joke about it because I am... I
• 1:26:31
  am him and him is me. Like, I
• 1:26:33
  know the way like... And I have given
• 1:26:36
  him his whole life, the freedom to talk
• 1:26:38
  like that, so it's like, it is what
• 1:26:40
  it is.
• 1:26:42
  And finally, and I was the 1.
• 1:26:44
  Me having to go.
• 1:26:46
  Okay. We can keep this conversation going. Let's
• 1:26:48
  get into the car. Let's get into the...
• 1:26:50
  Gotta go.
• 1:26:53
  Right?
• 1:26:54
  So, yeah. So I didn't... I had, like,
• 1:26:56
  I made a little to do list. I
• 1:26:57
  was like, oh, I'll be home my lunch
• 1:26:59
  time. I'll have lunch. I'll spend the afternoon
• 1:27:01
  working.
• 1:27:03
  Yeah. M. I did the bare minimum removal
• 1:27:05
  of what I had to do, and I
• 1:27:06
  was like, that's it. I'm done.
• 1:27:08
  So, yeah.
• 1:27:10
  And and for me, we've reached that part
• 1:27:11
  of summer now.
• 1:27:13
  I go out in the shop and I
• 1:27:14
  work in the morning.
• 1:27:16
  I'm in by lunchtime. Mh.
• 1:27:18
  And and the heat has just
• 1:27:21
  wiped me. I know, that's gonna be me
• 1:27:23
  tomorrow. On Thursday, I got a poor resin
• 1:27:25
  for 4 paddle.
• 1:27:27
  Yep. I gotta a pour more resin dagger.
• 1:27:30
  I'm still working on the resin panels that
• 1:27:32
  will be released at some point. The resin
• 1:27:34
  dagger are coming in July. Like, that's a
• 1:27:36
  guaranteed.
• 1:27:37
  What it means is... It's killing because I'm
• 1:27:39
  the perfection who's, like, way to
• 1:27:42
  like, oh, about shit because I'm like, but
• 1:27:45
  I want... I want there to be more.
• 1:27:47
  I want there to... I want there to
• 1:27:48
  be enough. There's gonna be more than enough
• 1:27:49
  But I'm like, but that's not enough enough.
• 1:27:51
  But at some point, you just kinda go
• 1:27:53
  fuck it and punch shit alfred for fail,
• 1:27:57
  So that's that's what I'm doing. So... Yeah,
• 1:27:59
  But I'm pouring. But I know what's gonna
• 1:28:01
  happen is I have to... I go out
• 1:28:03
  there in the morning as early as I
• 1:28:04
  can to pour all that resin.
• 1:28:06
  And then by the time I come back
• 1:28:07
  in, I'll be like, I'll be whoop, and
• 1:28:09
  I'll still have shit I gotta do. Yep.
• 1:28:11
  But I'm hoping when once I take a,
• 1:28:14
  cold ass shower,
• 1:28:16
  functional again.
• 1:28:18
  So Yeah. I mean, we've we we have
• 1:28:21
  been, you know, when 1 of our little
• 1:28:24
  bedtime routines is
• 1:28:27
  I will
• 1:28:30
  give kale of the weather. Yes. You know,
• 1:28:32
  for the for the next day.
• 1:28:34
  And,
• 1:28:35
  you know, usually, it's around 10:00, 10 between
• 1:28:38
  10:10 30 that we kinda roll in the
• 1:28:40
  bed. Every once in a while a little
• 1:28:42
  earlier, but... Mh. And, yeah.
• 1:28:47
  And, you know, we're at the point where,
• 1:28:49
  you know, at 10:10 30 at night, we're
• 1:28:51
  still at 80 degrees actual temperature.
• 1:28:54
  And and the feels like is 87 89
• 1:28:58
  degrees. Mh.
• 1:29:00
  Which is why, but like, at 05:30,
• 1:29:04
  it's, like, walking we wanna open the door
• 1:29:06
  and you've walked into a wet blanket.
• 1:29:08
  It's like, there's like humidity. That's okay. So
• 1:29:11
  we talked a couple... Weeks ago at how
• 1:29:13
  we keep our set higher than many people
• 1:29:16
  keep theirs in the summer because we are
• 1:29:18
  not paying a 500 dollar electric bill. No.
• 1:29:21
  And so
• 1:29:22
  me with my hot flashes, I would be
• 1:29:24
  so happy if it was like 73
• 1:29:26
  degrees. So fucking happy. Yeah. But I do
• 1:29:28
  well at 75
• 1:29:29
  because I've acclimated to 77. So when he
• 1:29:31
  bumps to down to 75, 76. I'm like,
• 1:29:34
  oh, this was so good. It's like being
• 1:29:36
  in the little cooler.
• 1:29:37
  Okay.
• 1:29:38
  So the other... Normally at night, he'll bump
• 1:29:40
  the air for, like, 2 hours,
• 1:29:42
  enough for us to get to sleep. So
• 1:29:44
  we fall asleep in a cooler temperature.
• 1:29:48
  The other night
• 1:29:50
  set it not for... To go off at
• 1:29:51
  1AM,
• 1:29:52
  but at 1PM. So, like, the whole might.
• 1:29:54
  We got the good temperature, and he tells
• 1:29:56
  me that and I go, oh, so that's
• 1:29:58
  why last night I had the best sleep
• 1:30:00
  that I've had in literal months. Is that
• 1:30:03
  way you're telling.
• 1:30:05
  And I woke up freezing my ass off
• 1:30:08
  like I was in a
• 1:30:10
  freaking freezer. You should have cut up to
• 1:30:12
  me because I started still got hot flashes
• 1:30:14
  even though it was a much more comfortable
• 1:30:17
  sleep. The thing is is you can put
• 1:30:19
  on more layers. If you get cold. There's
• 1:30:22
  only so much I can take off. And
• 1:30:24
  I... We sleep I we sleep naked. Okay.
• 1:30:26
  I know everybody wanted to know that hers
• 1:30:28
  We're sleep naked, and I'm like boiling from
• 1:30:31
  the inside out.
• 1:30:32
  So you got a cold body part, put
• 1:30:34
  it on me.
• 1:30:38
  I will take it.
• 1:30:41
  So okay.
• 1:30:43
  Anyway, Danny who.
• 1:30:45
  That's us. Yeah.
• 1:30:47
  No. You you you you y'all a lot
• 1:30:49
  of you along eastern sea board in the
• 1:30:51
  northeast talk about their temperature. You use it.
• 1:30:54
  You have had some serious heat, much more
• 1:30:57
  serious heat than we've had. Yeah. Yeah. We
• 1:30:59
  we actually kinda missed that a little bit.
• 1:31:02
  Yeah. I'm not I'm not mad about it.
• 1:31:03
  No. Our turn will come in August. Yeah.
• 1:31:07
  Yeah. Oh, yep. I'm not looking for. Mh.
• 1:31:10
  I mean, did temps get up to... It
• 1:31:13
  feels like at least got to what 01:09?
• 1:31:14
  You wanna not clear.
• 1:31:16
  That. That was that was enough for me
• 1:31:18
  thing. Mh.
• 1:31:20
  So
• 1:31:21
  yeah.
• 1:31:23
  But, yeah. So that's... Lot of people are
• 1:31:27
  still without power. Oh, yeah. I saw some
• 1:31:29
  video footage of the flooding in the streets
• 1:31:31
  and stuff as wild. So for anybody, who
• 1:31:35
  is affected by barrel or nose but is
• 1:31:37
  affected by barrel. Thoughts are with you. Because
• 1:31:39
  right yeah fucked. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then,
• 1:31:42
  of course, the have barrels making her way
• 1:31:44
  up, the.
• 1:31:46
  The towards Canada. So Yeah. Everybody be safe.
• 1:31:49
  Mh.
• 1:31:52
  So on that note, Yeah. We should go.
• 1:31:54
  Think was like,
• 1:31:55
  night or goodbye
• 1:31:57
  or see you later. Yeah. See Or R
• 1:31:59
  derek. She. Oh, don't you love my accent.
• 1:32:02
  I maybe dead. That's better. That's the actual
• 1:32:05
  italian talking. But
• 1:32:10
  On that note, we're definitely gonna go. Thank
• 1:32:12
  you for
• 1:32:13
  being here with us, especially to the better
• 1:32:15
  end. Yeah.
• 1:32:16
  We'll be back next week. Mh. Okay. Alright.
• 1:32:20
  Fine.