Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / "I Just Want To Be Alone" Is Now Considered A Healthy Female Ideal

Transcript

"I Just Want To Be Alone" Is Now Considered A Healthy Female Ideal · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody and welcome to the Doctor Psych Mom Show.
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  Today we're going to talk about something that I have long
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  noticed, which is that in the media, women who want no touch
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  and no connection physically especially are extolled and that
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  is like the new normal. And how that am going to discuss
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  how that impacts marriages and individuals.
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  Not for the better in many cases.
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  And before we get to the nuts and bolts of that, please do
• 0:34
  subscribe. My most recent subscriber
• 0:37
  episode was somebody on my Facebook.
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  Not just one person. Many people tend to say this,
• 0:44
  but one person framed it as porn doesn't create masturbation.
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  And I don't agree with that and I didn't agree with it generally
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  in the when it was said. But but I I expand on that in
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  the podcast. So what do I mean when I say
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  that women wanting to be alone is now considered like a healthy
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  ideal? So there's all these memes and
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  videos and like all these things and it's all about like I saw
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  just one yesterday. Like, I just want to be like,
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  left alone in the park and never touched again.
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  Like, I just want to sit in a park by myself and not be
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  touched ever. And then, like, all these women
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  were like, Oh yeah, totally. You know, like me too was like
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  retweeted and whatever. Or was not on Twitter because I
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  don't really do Twitter. But wherever it was, people were
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  like, all into it. And I see this stuff like all
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  the time. Basically, like, I just want to
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  be left alone. I just want to be left alone.
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  Now remember, it used to be considered.
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  It's hard to remember this. And I know my listeners aren't
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  that young, so no, as I'm not. So you remember, right?
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  I mean when that was totally different, I mean.
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  Like it's kind of like the biggest mindfuck ever.
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  Because. It.
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  Used to be like there were all sorts of movies and books and
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  everything always about people who were.
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  Lonely like. That was the worst.
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  Thing was to be lonely like the spinster.
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  That was like the. Worst, you know, a woman who
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  didn't have love or didn't have a family or a man who didn't
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  have love or didn't have a family, You know, I mean, it
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  would these people were sad. These are there were all sorts
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  of movies about, like lonely people who would just kind of
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  hang out in the glimpse of, like, hanging in, you know, like
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  touching somebody or hanging out with somebody or having some,
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  you know, a handshake with somebody.
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  There was that book, Notes on a Scandal, where there's like this
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  old lady and like I read the book.
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  There was a movie, too, and she just wanted somebody to touch
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  her. She was so lonely, you know,
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  since she gets obsessed with somebody because it's a book,
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  etcetera, etcetera. But like this.
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  Used to be the dominant narrative is that it's bad for
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  people to be alone and they get lonely.
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  Now does anybody want to guess if this was a class?
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  Does anybody want to guess what changed?
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  The Internet? Smartphones.
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  No one ever, ever has to be lonely.
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  Ever. Ever.
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  And the dopamine, addictive dopamine rush.
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  It's not just for porn, it's for social media.
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  It's for just constant entertainment, right?
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  Like planes people used to. Talk to each.
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  Other like, if I I remember this, like if you were sitting
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  next to somebody on a plane, you had nothing to do for three
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  hours. So then you would talk to the
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  person. Barely anybody talks to the
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  person. Now planes are so much quieter.
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  Even the kids are quieter because they're plugged into
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  their devices with the movies, you know, and it doesn't have to
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  be the movie that you don't want to watch, that everybody's
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  watching. It's whatever the hell you
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  downloaded before. So it's your ideal curated
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  experience. And so of course you and and
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  then of course there's forums and there's dating apps and
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  there's there's social media itself.
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  Like you can be communicating with people without touching
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  them. A million people all at once.
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  Like, what do I say all about porn, right?
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  It's 1000. Women doing anything that you
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  want, you know, doing anything that you want at all.
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  And they are right at your fingertips.
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  And of course, that is addictive to your brain.
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  It's also addictive to your brain to be able to scroll past
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  1000 of your friends, see what they're doing and, you know,
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  write a little comment and then they write back.
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  It's like socializing on steroids, except like, of
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  course, it isn't in many ways. You have no idea what those
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  people are feeling. You don't see their faces.
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  There's not, you know, the same kind of connection.
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  But, you know, so the quantity, the sheer quantity of it, means
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  that you never actually have to feel completely lonely.
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  There's always something to do in your phone.
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  Or you could just watch endless TV.
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  Remember binge watching didn't used.
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  To be a. Thing I think This is why rates
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  of sex, of how frequently married people have sex have
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  dropped, and also like how much sex young people are having has
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  dropped. There's always something that
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  releases dopamine right at your fingertips.
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  You never have to leave your house, you know, And you, you
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  know, like the people that just stay in their rooms, They're
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  like, you know, 25283035, They're still living at home.
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  What are they? Doing in their room, they're not
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  reading books all the time, you know, There's only so many books
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  you could read. They're on the Internet, or
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  they're they're gaming, or they're doing something on the
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  Internet, generally gaming, you know, of some sort.
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  So. If you can plug yourself into
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  constant entertainment, you never have to be lonely.
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  So if so, the woman that's sitting in the park, you should
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  maybe she going to sit there for like 10 minutes, but you know.
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  What? What she's going to do after she
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  has. That, you know, 10 minutes
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  looking at the trees, she's going to go on her phone.
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  You know, people eat out now. It used to be like a big deal to
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  go out to dinner yourself. That's like not a big deal
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  anymore because you're on your phone.
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  So basically the point is, is that people can have connection
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  with zero touch for basically the first time in human history
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  to this extent and. So if you.
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  Are touch averse because of bad things that happened to you?
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  Doesn't have to be rape, doesn't have to be sexual trauma,
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  doesn't have to be abuse. But you grew up in kind of a
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  cold, touchless atmosphere, so then?
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  You're uncomfortable. Around it but instead.
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  Of powering through. That discomfort because.
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  That's the way. You would connect, for example,
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  with your husband one of the ways you don't have.
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  To you're in. Bed or you're on the couch, or
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  you're just in your house. And if you want to connect with
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  a human being, you can connect with them through the phone and
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  then you. Never deal.
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  With your fear, you never, ever deal with your fear of touch.
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  And so it gets worse. As I've taught you about
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  anxiety, right? You need to be.
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  You need exposure therapy to get used to anxiety about anything.
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  But you don't do the. Exposure therapy.
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  Don't touch your husband. You're not.
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  You don't have to. If you're married, you know,
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  like, sure. If you're dating you.
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  Kind of. Have to, but even young.
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  People who are dating are having less sex.
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  Everybody's having less sex. You don't have to touch.
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  You get sucked into your device and then you don't have to touch
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  each other at all. It wasn't like that just with
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  TV, because TV isn't as interesting and it isn't as
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  individually curated people. You know, it gets boring.
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  You turn off the TV at some point, but you you don't turn
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  off your phone as easily because you can constantly get any sort
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  of specific, you know, experience that you want,
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  whether it's porn, whether it's Netflix, whether it's Facebook,
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  whether it's Instagram, whatever it is.
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  So this idea, it used to be very, very different.
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  As I said, even if you I have a a podcast episode on how TV used
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  to be different. So I was talking about kids
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  shows like Dawson's Creek, like shows for teenagers, Dawson's
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  Creek or my so-called life. Various things I've re watched
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  with my children as they get older and there's so much sex
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  between the parents, you know the parents are having sex and
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  that's like not part of the shows now.
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  And I contrasted it with the Never have I Ever, which is kind
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  of a little bit of a My So-called Life, but for now.
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  And that woman, the the mother had like one kiss.
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  You know, the the point being adults used to have sex.
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  In fact, if you go, it's a good podcast episode if you're
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  interested. In TV because.
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  One of the characters he was hitting on this MILF which
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  again. Now would definitely.
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  That wouldn't be done and we would have to.
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  You know, have zoomed in on his birth certificate, making sure
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  that he's. Exactly 18, because if he was 17
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  1/2 and he had a crush on an older woman, it would be
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  considered, you know, terrible. But the point?
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  Being that he had a crush on this woman, this older woman,
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  and then he. Said to his friend, the teenage.
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  Boy, she's a mom like moms have. Great.
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  Sex lives or something like that, which is like literally
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  opposite of today. I mean it's it's as though he
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  rode out on a horse and buggy. That's how you know,
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  anachronistic. Like you know, it's it's just so
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  different now. It was almost like it made me
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  laugh out loud because of how different it was.
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  So, so we're in this world. Where you don't have to have
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  touch and then. There's this idea.
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  Idea, and I think it comes from this, the fact that nobody has
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  to have touch because of their phones and technology, et
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  cetera, but. People.
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  They. They.
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  Now the ideal. And like the the common female
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  experience that people. Bombed over is not.
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  Wanting to be touched, that was not a thing.
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  It just was not a. Thing If you go back to feminism
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  in like the 70s, you read like The Women's Room by Marilyn
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  French. There was like a woman who was
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  like begging her. Husband to have sex with her and
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  he wouldn't do it and it was considered like terrible and
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  feminism would. Get her away.
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  From him. And make her had she, you know,
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  been awoken to feminism, she would realize that she deserves.
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  To have sex in her marriage, like, Can you imagine?
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  Like, it's like, it's like The Twilight Zone compared to now,
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  where everything is about feminism, makes you realize you
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  don't have to have sex, you don't have to have touch, you
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  don't need anybody. And of course that's not what
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  you know that that that's not at all with real feminism is that
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  of course I'm a feminist. Everybody should be a feminist.
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  That means the gender should be treated equally.
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  That's what that means. Like, so everybody thinks that,
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  and hopefully that I should get paid what a man should get paid
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  for. The same work no.
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  Shit. Like, I hope nobody disagrees
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  with that one, but the the point being.
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  Is now it's considered this big wonderful thing.
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  To be able to say you know what? Is so normal for me not to want
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  any. Touch at all and to just be like
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  want. To be on a desert.
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  Island away from. Everybody.
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  Where we're in reality and then I'm also seeing all these
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  articles that are like and it's. Clickbait I've never.
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  Seen one where the headline wasn't clickbait, but the
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  clickbait headlines could teach us about what people respond to.
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  In our current culture, right? And so I've seen clickbait.
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  Headlines and again, these. Do not turn out to be true.
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  Where it's like mom takes. Vacation of six months away from
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  baby. And it's like, what?
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  Like how, what? Why would that be considered
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  even remotely positive? And of course it's clickbait,
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  but yet all these people click on it and then say things in the
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  comments like, well, it wasn't six months, but I really like
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  going away for my baby for or my kids or my this or my that.
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  Like okay, like. Sometimes you have a vacation.
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  But the idea that it's like better to be alone is is.
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  Really. The dominant narrative now?
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  And you? Could see why that would be.
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  Difficult for marriages. Right.
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  I mean, no shit. Because you're you're not alone.
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  In a marriage. And so if the idea is that it's.
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  Not lucky, You're not lucky to. Have someone anymore?
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  And that was bad for the people who couldn't find somebody for
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  sure. That was like my first thought
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  when, like, the Internet got so big and online dating got so
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  big. So.
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  I was like. Nobody's ever going to have to
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  be alone. That's wonderful.
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  Nobody is ever going to have to be alone.
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  And and and then a lot of old people started doing Internet
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  dating. Like really old people.
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  People would say. Like, oh, my mom or my
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  grandmother or somebody. People were finding people and.
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  I thought this. Is so wonderful.
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  Nobody's ever going to have to be alone, because you could be.
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  In, you know, sitting in your. And I say this like dating apps
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  make dating so different for divorced people.
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  I have articles on this, you know.
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  The point is, is that nobody has to be alone because they can
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  always find somebody else. It's so.
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  Easy to find somebody but the. Interesting part is within
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  marriage it's become like use the.
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  Phone to not have anybody. So to just.
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  Scroll. And to do.
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  Your personal curated entertainment and then to not
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  work on any sort of anxiety or near phobia that I've seen in
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  some people around physical. Touch or sex?
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  'Cause you don't have to, because you're two different
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  organisms with your own phones that you.
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  Can do whatever. You want internally in your mind
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  all the time, and the dominant feature of your life is not
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  physical touch but mental engagement in the.
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  Universe of the. Internet.
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  And. So then when somebody says that
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  they want sex in that in this climate?
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  Then they seem kind of. Monstrous.
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  You know, for disrupting that endless, you know, consumption
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  of the other person who should be able to do exactly what they
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  want. Including Never be touched
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  again. Well, that's not good in
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  marriage, right? So I've said you can't parent a
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  baby without touch, you can't parent a child without touch,
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  and you can't be married without touch, you know?
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  It's supposed to be unless. Of course, both of you somehow
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  are asexual and you don't want touch.
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  That's a very different sort of arrangement than than the norm.
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  So the, the, the. Point being here.
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  That there has been a. Large social shift.
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  That. Really, really does not help
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  people who still do want to be emotionally close and physically
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  close within marriage. So.
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  That's pretty much it, and it would be an interesting one to
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  discuss. If you're into sociology, it
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  would be real interesting to watch some of these things in
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  the 90s and think, shit, wow, it used to be so different, even on
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  90210. Jim and Cindy.
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  Touched like 10,000 times more than like young couples do on TV
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  now. It's just it's so different.
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  You know it it's massively different.
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  I watched a movie recently. I forget the name of it but it
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  it was about a woman who was in an unhappy marriage and but but
• 14:36
  they had this one moment of where they had a deep kiss and
• 14:40
  they had some romantic dance around the kitchen but that
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  actually was on advice given to the husband from his friend and
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  so then the the man dies they're older and so now the friend
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  comes to see if he can now be with the wife because he was
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  such a good friend that he didn't want to be with the wife
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  while the friend was alive but. Those people that.
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  Husband and wife had a had a marriage that didn't have enough
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  touch and romantic connection and it was understood that
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  that's what she was deeply yearning for and had very
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  quickly in this one moment that was orchestrated by the front.
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  But point being, women used to want touch.
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  They used to want romance. That used to be like evidence.
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  That, like you, achieved a good life.
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  Is that you have a partner. It's not like that anymore and I
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  do not think that that's fine. If you want to stay single, do
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  it. You know, Nobody needs unwanted
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  children. Nobody wants loveless marriages.
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  If you're a kind of person who doesn't want really to be
• 15:40
  intimate with somebody, I think personally that that should be
• 15:43
  worked upon and thought about why, since it is a basic drive
• 15:47
  for human connection. But not everybody's the same,
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  you know. How so?
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  If. You want to stay single, cool
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  like that. That makes sense.
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  But if you. Are married.
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  You got to think about the idea that, like, are you consuming
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  too much media that tells you that the ideal state is to be
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  alone and untouched? And if so, is that not directly
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  antithetical to marriage and family life?
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  And if it's super comfortable for you to be completely alone
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  and not touched, and that is your constant fantasy, Why, you
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  know, get into therapy. Figure out is something wrong
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  with the marriage is something. Did I learn things that were?
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  Fucked up around intimacy and touch and closeness.
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  Probably probably both things. And so that's something to
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  explore, not something to just be like.
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  Oh yeah, ha ha ha ha. I didn't touch my husband in two
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  years. Ha ha.
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  Like that's not ha ha. You know, it's really not.
• 16:46
  All right. I hope you guys found this
• 16:48
  interesting and I will talk to y'all soon.
• 16:50
  Please do subscribe. Bye.
• 16:51
  Bye.