Latest / My Sexy Menopause Body / The Gateway To Desire

Transcript

The Gateway To Desire · My Sexy Menopause Body

0:01
SPEAKER_00: Welcome to my sexy menopause party, not just a podcast, but a movement.
0:07
SPEAKER_00: Menopause isn't something to dread.
0:09
SPEAKER_00: It's something to own with strength, confidence, and yes, sexiness.
0:15
SPEAKER_00: Because menopause doesn't mean fading into the background.
0:19
SPEAKER_00: It means stepping fully into who we are.
0:22
SPEAKER_00: And now here's your host, Kim Nicholson.
0:26
SPEAKER_00: Let's get started.
0:35
SPEAKER_01: What's the most electric part of any relationship?
0:39
SPEAKER_01: Dating, right?
0:40
SPEAKER_01: That very first spark.
0:42
SPEAKER_01: If I could drop you into a time machine for just five minutes, I'd land you right in that moment.
0:49
SPEAKER_01: That first glance across the room, that laugh that hooked you.
0:53
SPEAKER_01: How about that kiss that rewired your whole nervous system?
0:57
SPEAKER_01: That's where we're going today.
0:59
SPEAKER_01: And not to chase the past, but to remind you that fire is still in you waiting.
1:07
SPEAKER_01: Welcome back to my sexy menopause body.
1:10
SPEAKER_01: But uh, if you have been following me for the last few episodes, you know that I am doing a podcast series based upon my soon-to-be-released book, uh 24 Hours of Foreplay.
1:21
SPEAKER_01: Hmm.
1:21
SPEAKER_01: That explores the thrill, the science, and the soul of foreplay for anyone at any age.
1:29
SPEAKER_01: So today we're gonna go back in time, like I had said, back to the beginning, back to the butterflies, back to the version of you that felt electric, alive, and maybe a little ridiculous, but in a good way.
1:42
SPEAKER_01: So we're talking about dating, not just dating in general, but your dating story.
1:48
SPEAKER_01: The one that made your heart race, the one that made you linger in front of the mirror as you're getting ready for your date, the one that made you feel like anything was possible in your life.
2:00
SPEAKER_01: But before we get in, I want you to do something for me.
2:03
SPEAKER_01: I want you to close your eyes.
2:04
SPEAKER_01: Oh, of course, unless you're driving.
2:07
SPEAKER_01: And while you're closing your eyes, I want you to pop one memory into your head.
2:12
SPEAKER_01: A moment from when you first met your spouse, your partner, or someone who you fell in love with.
2:19
SPEAKER_01: Maybe it was the first time that he made you laugh.
2:23
SPEAKER_01: Maybe it was the way he looked at you as you entered the room.
2:27
SPEAKER_01: Maybe it was the way your body responded before your brain even caught up.
2:33
SPEAKER_01: Let the memory gates open.
2:36
SPEAKER_01: All right.
2:36
SPEAKER_01: I want you to sit there and feel it right now.
2:39
SPEAKER_01: Because that period in your life, whether it was two years ago or 55, was absolutely incredible.
2:47
SPEAKER_01: We all have experienced it, so I know each one of you have experienced it.
2:51
SPEAKER_01: So don't lie.
2:53
SPEAKER_01: And today we're going to honor it, and there's a reason for it.
2:57
SPEAKER_01: We're unpacking it, we're remembering why it mattered.
3:01
SPEAKER_01: Because, like I have said, foreplay doesn't just start in the bedroom, it starts in the very beginning.
3:10
SPEAKER_01: And the beginning is where the magic lives.
3:13
SPEAKER_01: And we want to talk about that magic today.
3:15
SPEAKER_01: We want to talk about why dating feels so darn good.
3:19
SPEAKER_01: So dating feels so good because think about that electricity that you feel, that heat that you your body feels, that ridiculous flutter in your chest when someone new walks into the room and says your name just right, and suddenly everything in your body wakes up.
3:38
SPEAKER_01: Your brain is on fire, your skin feels different, you feel different, and you feel different about yourself.
3:44
SPEAKER_01: And let me be clear here: this isn't just about being giddy.
3:49
SPEAKER_01: Basically, this is biology and it's psychology.
3:54
SPEAKER_01: It's full-on nervous system poetry.
3:59
SPEAKER_01: So if you've ever said dating makes me feel alive again, well, guess what?
4:04
SPEAKER_01: You're absolutely right, and there's science to back it up.
4:06
SPEAKER_01: So let's break down exactly why dating feels so darn good.
4:10
SPEAKER_01: So basically, it's let's start at the top, your brain on new love.
4:15
SPEAKER_01: Your brain's actually doing something, I don't know, like a dopamine dance.
4:19
SPEAKER_01: Because when you're in the early stages of dating, whether you're 22 or 82 or 92, your brain is lighting up like let's say Times Square.
4:28
SPEAKER_01: Um, some science to back this up is according to Dr.
4:31
SPEAKER_01: Helen Fisher's, and I'll post the case studies below.
4:35
SPEAKER_01: Uh I I'm sure you've seen her famous uh neuroimaging studies.
4:40
SPEAKER_01: So when you look at somebody who's romantically into you or you into them, it's your ventral tegmental area.
4:48
SPEAKER_01: Let's just call it VTA for short.
4:50
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
4:50
SPEAKER_01: So this VTA area is the same brain region that lights up when you eat dark chocolate.
4:58
SPEAKER_01: Or you do something like shopping, or I don't know, if you like gambling, or you know, something like, you know, whatever gets you going.
5:08
SPEAKER_01: Um, these are the areas that are activated within the brain.
5:12
SPEAKER_01: This area floods your system with dopamine.
5:16
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that chemical of anticipation and pleasure.
5:19
SPEAKER_01: And we know how darn good that feels because we've all experienced it.
5:23
SPEAKER_01: So that's why when you get a text from the first time from that love of your life, it just feels electrifying.
5:31
SPEAKER_01: And their touch, oh my god, lights up your whole body, right?
5:35
SPEAKER_01: And you literally replay their voice in your mind like a song, like some sort of favorite song of yours stuck in loop.
5:43
SPEAKER_01: You know how you just kind of repeat the thing, same thing over again.
5:46
SPEAKER_01: You know, I know we've all done it.
5:48
SPEAKER_01: I know we have.
5:49
SPEAKER_01: And remember, this is this time is not just a crush.
5:53
SPEAKER_01: We're talking about high intensity.
5:55
SPEAKER_01: You are high on love here.
5:58
SPEAKER_01: And here, what else is happening?
6:00
SPEAKER_01: So here again, additional science comes in.
6:03
SPEAKER_01: Adrenaline kicks in.
6:05
SPEAKER_01: Yes, that's why your heart races, that's why you feel that heart pounding, that's why your palms sweat.
6:10
SPEAKER_01: And even sometimes your voice might get shaky, you know, when you get that bit of nervousness.
6:15
SPEAKER_01: That's adrenaline kicking in.
6:17
SPEAKER_01: How about oxytocin comes in also?
6:20
SPEAKER_01: It rises from the touch that he gives you, or when he makes that eye contact with you.
6:26
SPEAKER_01: Hello, emotional bonding.
6:29
SPEAKER_01: And guess what?
6:30
SPEAKER_01: Not too far behind is testosterone and estrogen increases.
6:34
SPEAKER_01: It boosts your desire and your sexual receptivity.
6:38
SPEAKER_01: And a fun fact you know, the serotonin, the one that we want to keep low, guess what?
6:45
SPEAKER_01: During this time, it drops.
6:47
SPEAKER_01: That's why the love of your life is on your mind 24-7.
6:51
SPEAKER_01: You're obsessed, beautifully, wildly obsessed.
6:56
SPEAKER_01: So, this incredible cocktail of chemicals is what researchers call limerence.
7:03
SPEAKER_01: That intense, infatuated, can't think about anything else, and nobody else in my mind kind of state.
7:10
SPEAKER_01: This is the whole body saying, yes, please, your brain, your hormones, your skin, they're all speaking the same language.
7:20
SPEAKER_01: But there's more.
7:23
SPEAKER_01: And the more is the novelty factor.
7:27
SPEAKER_01: Think about it.
7:28
SPEAKER_01: Let's talk about this novelty factor because it's not just who they are, it's because this whole new situation is new.
7:37
SPEAKER_01: So novelty supercharges arousal.
7:42
SPEAKER_01: So your brain isn't habituated to them yet.
7:44
SPEAKER_01: You're just you're not getting bored of them.
7:46
SPEAKER_01: Uh nothing has become boring at this point.
7:50
SPEAKER_01: Everything is exciting, every story is fresh, every opinion feels like a new discovery, every kiss, a scientific experiment in chemistry.
8:01
SPEAKER_01: And another science bomb, according to Dr.
8:04
SPEAKER_01: Arthur Aaron, A-R-O-N, he shared experiences that basically says that doing new things with someone actually increases intimacy and attraction.
8:16
SPEAKER_01: Because guess what?
8:17
SPEAKER_01: Your brain loves something new.
8:19
SPEAKER_01: Yes, it does.
8:20
SPEAKER_01: That's why first dates feel like so electrifying.
8:24
SPEAKER_01: Not just because you're into them, which is you know part of a huge part of it, but because your brain is collecting this emotional data.
8:33
SPEAKER_01: You're learning this person like you fell in love with that favorite song.
8:38
SPEAKER_01: You haven't worn it out yet.
8:40
SPEAKER_01: It's novel to you.
8:42
SPEAKER_01: And even more, novelty activates that VTA region again.
8:46
SPEAKER_01: Remember, we talked about that before, Dr.
8:48
SPEAKER_01: Helen Fisher's?
8:49
SPEAKER_01: Well, it's back again.
8:50
SPEAKER_01: The part of your brain responsible for motivation, memory, and reward.
8:55
SPEAKER_01: That's why trying, you know, when you go to the store and you try on that new outfit or you wear that new outfit for the first time, it feels exciting and energizing.
9:04
SPEAKER_01: Or, you know, when you get a new puppy, it just makes your whole life better, you know, or dating someone new.
9:11
SPEAKER_01: It's like getting that new wardrobe feeling, it's that new playlist feeling, it's that new emotional identity all at once, wrapped up in one wonderful gift.
9:22
SPEAKER_01: So let's go on.
9:24
SPEAKER_01: There's more science behind this.
9:25
SPEAKER_01: Guess what?
9:27
SPEAKER_01: You're also going to be on an emotional roller coaster.
9:31
SPEAKER_01: And guess why it's the best ride in town?
9:34
SPEAKER_01: It's because of feelings.
9:35
SPEAKER_01: Again, you're not just biologically wired, you're emotionally flooded at this time.
9:43
SPEAKER_01: You're happy, you're hopeful, you're ridiculous, you're nervous, you're turned on, you laugh harder, you know, like really harder, like belly laugh.
9:51
SPEAKER_01: And even though the joke may not even be funny, guess what?
9:54
SPEAKER_01: You're you're laughing at it like it's the best joke you've ever heard.
9:59
SPEAKER_01: You're charmed by them.
10:01
SPEAKER_01: Because you know what?
10:02
SPEAKER_01: Laughter, believe it or not, is a bonding tool.
10:05
SPEAKER_01: Again, laughter activates your brain's reward system.
10:09
SPEAKER_01: So couples who laugh together establish a more of a trust and more of an emotional glue.
10:17
SPEAKER_01: You know what?
10:17
SPEAKER_01: And during this time, guess what else happens?
10:19
SPEAKER_01: You compliment more, or he compliments you.
10:23
SPEAKER_01: His shirt, I love it.
10:25
SPEAKER_01: The way he says your name, ah, these compliments release oxytocin and activates the part of your brain, the reward system.
10:36
SPEAKER_01: It's verbal foreplay, and guess what?
10:39
SPEAKER_01: This is a language you're fluent in.
10:41
SPEAKER_01: It comes natural.
10:43
SPEAKER_01: So this stage is like, I don't know, a nine out of ten on the happiness scale.
10:49
SPEAKER_01: But it's also, it can be a little scary.
10:51
SPEAKER_01: So here comes that emotional roller coaster I talked about.
10:54
SPEAKER_01: Because guess what?
10:55
SPEAKER_01: You're vulnerable at this time, you're exposed, and you're open in a way that feels bold and brave.
11:03
SPEAKER_01: And in a uh, I think it was in Simple Psychology, again, I'll post it below.
11:07
SPEAKER_01: The uncertainty of early dating actually amplifies attraction because it's the not knowing that creates this wonderful tension and it fuels desire.
11:18
SPEAKER_01: All right, so let's talk about some of these.
11:21
SPEAKER_01: Let's, I know you I had your eyes, your eyes closed.
11:24
SPEAKER_01: You could keep them closed or if you've opened them.
11:26
SPEAKER_01: Let's uh close your eyes again.
11:28
SPEAKER_01: I want you to remember back when you were prepping for this date.
11:32
SPEAKER_01: Guess what?
11:33
SPEAKER_01: You know, when you prep for a date, whether male or female, it's not a ritual and it's not vanity.
11:38
SPEAKER_01: What's really happening here?
11:40
SPEAKER_01: So there are physical rituals of dating, and we're gonna talk into each one.
11:45
SPEAKER_01: But the first one I want to talk about is the way you linger in front of the mirror.
11:50
SPEAKER_01: Let's say you've tried on three, four, five, six different outfits to get the perfect one.
11:56
SPEAKER_01: You're debating back and forth whether to go for the bold red lipstick or a neutral gloss.
12:02
SPEAKER_01: Maybe you've even, you know, spritzed a scent, or maybe you are, you know, with him.
12:07
SPEAKER_01: And let's say, remember, you have you, I'm sure you've felt this before, when you're sitting in a restaurant or a bar or whatever with your love of your life across from you, and you just feel good, and you feel like you've just you're in a sexy pose or something, and you just want to hold that pose just a little bit longer, just to make sure he sees how sexy you look at that time.
12:28
SPEAKER_01: This is more than just vanity.
12:30
SPEAKER_01: Guess what?
12:30
SPEAKER_01: This is intention.
12:32
SPEAKER_01: This is intention, it's the ritual of getting ready ready, and you know what?
12:38
SPEAKER_01: It goes back to spiking that dopamine again.
12:41
SPEAKER_01: It's a mini anticipation loop.
12:44
SPEAKER_01: And if you've been single or stuck in a rut for a while from dating, this this ritual that you're going through right now, and the kind of your some of your behaviors becomes like emotional CPR.
12:58
SPEAKER_01: It's giving you life again.
13:00
SPEAKER_01: That's why it feels so good.
13:02
SPEAKER_01: You remember what it feels like, you know, when you look forward to being seen, you know, when you make that date, and you know, it's like five minutes before you have to you're gonna meet this person.
13:12
SPEAKER_01: That wonderful high feeling, it's awesome, it's desired, it's chosen.
13:19
SPEAKER_01: Now, a couple other things that are really interesting when you go on that first date or think about your date.
13:25
SPEAKER_01: Look at how long you have eye contact with that man.
13:30
SPEAKER_01: All right.
13:32
SPEAKER_01: Again, science shows that eye contact longer than five seconds.
13:39
SPEAKER_01: One, two, three, four, five.
13:44
SPEAKER_01: Hold that eye contact.
13:46
SPEAKER_01: You know what it does?
13:47
SPEAKER_01: It increases intimacy and trust and connection.
13:52
SPEAKER_01: Now don't get creepy.
13:53
SPEAKER_01: You don't want to be like staring at them.
13:55
SPEAKER_01: But what you do want is to have that little eye contact linger a little bit longer.
14:02
SPEAKER_01: How about your posture during this time?
14:06
SPEAKER_01: I'm sure you're not slouching in the chair across from him.
14:10
SPEAKER_01: I'm sure you're not like shoveling your food down.
14:14
SPEAKER_01: I'm sure you're putting your best foot forward, right?
14:16
SPEAKER_01: So think about think about how you're presenting yourself during this time.
14:21
SPEAKER_01: Think about your, you know, your legs, your chest, your your shoulders, the, you know, you're elongating your torso.
14:29
SPEAKER_01: You know, basically what you're doing is you're increasing your self-confidence and your desirability.
14:36
SPEAKER_01: Hmm, remember, we're gonna be talking about, we're gonna, I want you to remember this before our next episode because this will apply to the next one.
14:44
SPEAKER_01: You'll see next week's show.
14:46
SPEAKER_01: Now let's think about the outfit choice.
14:48
SPEAKER_01: Remember the three, four, five, six outfits you went through.
14:51
SPEAKER_01: This also is a part of your self-perception and your emotional preparation.
14:55
SPEAKER_01: How you dress impacts how you feel.
14:57
SPEAKER_01: So whether you've spent, I don't know, 30 minutes or three hours getting ready, it's not too much.
15:03
SPEAKER_01: It's not for them because it's for you.
15:06
SPEAKER_01: And according to psychology today, this posture and a confident presentation signal attraction and confidence.
15:14
SPEAKER_01: It's primal.
15:15
SPEAKER_01: It's like, I don't know, postural peacocking.
15:18
SPEAKER_01: You know, just think of those peacocks, you know, when they're so confident and their feathers just open up and they strut their stuff.
15:26
SPEAKER_01: That's you.
15:27
SPEAKER_01: That's me.
15:28
SPEAKER_01: It's all of us.
15:29
SPEAKER_01: Our eyes will linger longer, we walk a little slower, we tilt our head, throw back our hair, perhaps.
15:35
SPEAKER_01: And you know, just when we laugh, we're we had that pretty laugh, you know.
15:39
SPEAKER_01: These are all biological cues for desire and for openness.
15:44
SPEAKER_01: So getting ready is a dopamine that, you know, it's an activating ritual.
15:50
SPEAKER_01: And when you're controlling what you can do with your looks and your energy and your intention, your intention, uh, you feel powerful because you're in control.
15:58
SPEAKER_01: And what happens when that door opens?
16:00
SPEAKER_01: It's self-care, it's presence, it's sensual preparation, it's an art.
16:07
SPEAKER_01: Hmm.
16:08
SPEAKER_01: And guess what?
16:10
SPEAKER_01: This early dating can also be so healing.
16:12
SPEAKER_01: We need to get it back.
16:14
SPEAKER_01: You've probably heard someone say, I love the person I am when I'm with you.
16:19
SPEAKER_01: It's not just romantic, it's regenerative.
16:23
SPEAKER_01: You know, early dating is like a mirror, it's like a reset.
16:26
SPEAKER_01: And according to Elite Daily, uh, trauma-informed therapists, they say dating someone new teaches you who you are, what you want for your future.
16:36
SPEAKER_01: So think about this.
16:37
SPEAKER_01: This is really interesting.
16:39
SPEAKER_01: So, when you're dating, it teaches you a lot about what you want in life.
16:45
SPEAKER_01: And don't forget about that.
16:46
SPEAKER_01: So, if you're just starting dating right now, think about I want you to do some self-reflection here.
16:51
SPEAKER_01: What triggers you?
16:53
SPEAKER_01: What soothes you?
16:54
SPEAKER_01: What makes you laugh freely?
16:56
SPEAKER_01: What boundaries have you outgrown?
16:59
SPEAKER_01: And you know, if you've come in the past from like some emotional neglect, or let's say you had a long, dry spell where you haven't been dating, or you just dated some jerk and you just broke up with them.
17:11
SPEAKER_01: This type of nuke uh dating or dating is this connection is healing.
17:16
SPEAKER_01: Not because someone fixes you.
17:17
SPEAKER_01: Remember, you you can't fix anybody and nobody can fix you.
17:21
SPEAKER_01: It's because of connection.
17:24
SPEAKER_01: It's real attuned and it's a safe connection that regulates your nervous system.
17:29
SPEAKER_01: So you're shifting from like a hypervigilance to ease, comfort, from visibility to being cherished.
17:35
SPEAKER_01: Not and that's not just emotional, it's biological.
17:39
SPEAKER_01: And when someone sees you the way you want to be seen, you start seeing yourself differently.
17:44
SPEAKER_01: That's called reflective appraisal.
17:47
SPEAKER_01: Their gaze becomes your mirror.
17:48
SPEAKER_01: You love the way they're looking at you, they're so into you.
17:52
SPEAKER_01: Their curiosity about you becomes your confidence, their safety becomes your soft place to land, right?
17:59
SPEAKER_01: This is why early dating feels like CPR for the soul, for the entire body.
18:05
SPEAKER_01: Guess what it also does?
18:06
SPEAKER_01: It turns on future possibilities.
18:09
SPEAKER_01: Yep.
18:10
SPEAKER_01: Now it may not have happened on the first date, or maybe it does.
18:13
SPEAKER_01: Depends on you.
18:15
SPEAKER_01: But let's talk about the wildest aphrodisiac of all.
18:19
SPEAKER_01: Hope.
18:20
SPEAKER_01: Hope, hope, hope.
18:22
SPEAKER_01: Daydreaming or dreaming about the future is desire in motion.
18:27
SPEAKER_01: So when you imagine looking across at this love of your life, you imagine yourself taking that trip to Paris, or you know, listening, doing things together, you know, going to a concert or buying a home.
18:42
SPEAKER_01: You know, I know a lot of times we go from zero to 60.
18:45
SPEAKER_01: So waking up next to them.
18:48
SPEAKER_01: Hmm, you know what happens during this time?
18:49
SPEAKER_01: Your brain lights up, your heart leans in, and your body responds.
18:55
SPEAKER_01: This is anticipatory arousal.
19:00
SPEAKER_01: And we know that early romantic love spikes dopamine.
19:04
SPEAKER_01: We already talked about that, and we anticipate the reward.
19:08
SPEAKER_01: And it's not just when we receive it, it's when you're thinking about it.
19:11
SPEAKER_01: When you're building a mental map of what life could be with this person.
19:14
SPEAKER_01: It's not lust, it's imagin imaginative bonding.
19:18
SPEAKER_01: It's future building.
19:20
SPEAKER_01: And future building is sexy because there are no disappointments in a daydream, right?
19:25
SPEAKER_01: Only potential.
19:26
SPEAKER_01: You know, it's like you're thinking maybe this time or only or a what if.
19:31
SPEAKER_01: And with that freedom, we rarely give ourselves, and we we really don't really give ourselves that freedom anymore, do we?
19:37
SPEAKER_01: Especially for women over 50.
19:40
SPEAKER_01: When you're because you're not dating to fill a void, you're dating to expand your life.
19:47
SPEAKER_01: You're not trying to prove you're lovable, you're remembering that already.
19:53
SPEAKER_01: The version of dating, it's not about fantasy, it's about self-reclamation.
20:00
SPEAKER_01: So you're not just imagining someone else, you're imagining you lit up, turned on, fully engaged with your own possibilities.
20:09
SPEAKER_01: And guess what?
20:11
SPEAKER_01: That is always worth celebrating.
20:15
SPEAKER_01: So here's what I want you to remember about this episode.
20:19
SPEAKER_01: I'm kind of calling out something like back to the beginning.
20:21
SPEAKER_01: I haven't figured out the title yet, but somewhere like that.
20:23
SPEAKER_01: But I want you to hold on to that magic, that feeling of dating.
20:29
SPEAKER_01: All right, you can open your eyes now.
20:31
SPEAKER_01: But that feeling of dating, the butterflies, the anticipation, the spark, it's not gone.
20:39
SPEAKER_01: It's not lost in time, it's tucked away inside you.
20:44
SPEAKER_01: It's waiting to be remembered again and reawakened.
20:48
SPEAKER_01: Because here's the truth.
20:50
SPEAKER_01: Those incredible feelings, they can come back.
20:52
SPEAKER_01: And they don't require the time machine or a second honeymoon.
20:57
SPEAKER_01: They just need intention, they need curiosity and a little bit of novelty and a little bit or a lot of foreplay.
21:06
SPEAKER_01: So remember this episode.
21:08
SPEAKER_01: Don't, you know, next week we're gonna take the information that we have here, we're gonna apply it to present day.
21:13
SPEAKER_01: So we're gonna be stepping into the present day and on the next episode, and we'll compare what we've uncovered today and where we are now with our spouse, our partner, or even ourselves, because that thrill of connection, it's not just memory, it's muscle.
21:29
SPEAKER_01: And I can't wait to show you how to flex your muscle.
21:32
SPEAKER_01: So until then, keep that memory close and let me remind you of who you were and who you still can be.
21:41
SPEAKER_01: Because floor foreplay isn't just about the past, foreplay is all about possibility.
21:48
SPEAKER_01: Hmm.
21:49
SPEAKER_01: Well, thank you for being here today, and I can't wait to be with you again on my sexy menopause body.