Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 97: The People Pleaser's Dilemma: Authenticity vs. Approval

Transcript

97: The People Pleaser's Dilemma: Authenticity vs. Approval · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:21
  Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:22
  So the day that I am recording this as the day of the solar eclipse.
• 0:26
  And so I just got to go and spend some time outside.
• 0:29
  With my kids that are at home and just witnessed that it was just really, really fun to see it.
• 0:35
  And so fun to just hear everybody's different experiences with it.
• 0:38
  Unfortunately, we did not have any glasses to look at the eclipse, but our next door neighbors did.
• 0:43
  So they let us look through their glasses so that we could see the eclipse.
• 0:46
  We were not in the path of totality.
• 0:48
  But it was still a beautiful sight to be hold and we got to hold our colander outside.
• 0:52
  I don't know if you've done that before, where you can see little moons, you can see the eclipse in the little holes in the colander.
• 0:58
  It is really an amazing thing to see that shadow effect.
• 1:02
  And it's been so fun to see my friends, different images and things.
• 1:05
  One of my friends was in the path of totality and it was beautiful to see the Corona.
• 1:11
  Around the eclipse from the sun shining around it.
• 1:14
  And as he panned around, you could see this 360 degree sunset.
• 1:19
  So gorgeous, so inspiring and amazing.
• 1:22
  And it had me remembering several years ago when we were in the path of totality, when we were living in Kansas.
• 1:28
  And what a neat experience that was.
• 1:31
  And at first we were super bummed because we bought the glasses so that we could see the eclipse, but it was so cloudy.
• 1:36
  We couldn't really see anything.
• 1:38
  And so I wasn't sure that we were going to enjoy it.
• 1:40
  But we were still able to enjoy it.
• 1:42
  It got super dark, it was like night outside.
• 1:45
  It was super crazy.
• 1:47
  And I was babysitting my niece and nephews at the time.
• 1:49
  And my niece was about, I don't know, one and a half.
• 1:51
  And she just clung to me because it was really an eerie feeling to see it get dark so quickly.
• 1:57
  And then to have the light come back so quickly, it.
• 2:00
  was really an incredible event.
• 2:03
  So wherever it was that you were watching the eclipse in the world, I hope that you had.
• 2:06
  an amazing experience.
• 2:08
  So today we're going to be talking about how we feel about other people versus how we feel about how they feel about us.
• 2:16
  So one common struggle that is faced by many people, pleasers is that people pleasers tend to be more focused on how other people feel about them versus how they actually feel about the other people in their presence.
• 2:29
  So, let me kind of illustrate what I mean by this.
• 2:31
  So I'm going to use the example of Sarah and Debbie.
• 2:33
  So Sarah has noticed that Debbie from her book club seems to be avoiding talking with her and sure.
• 2:38
  They don't really seem to have a lot in common.
• 2:40
  They like different books and book clubs.
• 2:42
  Sarah is a stay at home.
• 2:43
  Mom and Debbie has a job in corporate.
• 2:45
  And Sarah enjoys music and gardening and Debbie and enjoys sports.
• 2:48
  So we don't really have a lot of common ground, but Sarah has been getting the vibe that maybe Debbie doesn't like her.
• 2:54
  And because of this, then Sarah starts trying to win over Debbie from this place of insecurity.
• 3:00
  Another example is Emily who attends a dinner party, where she was feeling a little bit out of place amongst the guests, because all of the guests seem to belong to the same church congregation and had a lot of things to talk about a lot of things in common.
• 3:12
  So instead of enjoying the evening for what it was, then she became preoccupied with the idea that the others might find her to be a little bit too different from them.
• 3:20
  And therefore less than them, or maybe not quite as interesting as them.
• 3:25
  So Emily spent the night trying to engage in conversations on topics that she thought that they might like while at the same time, neglecting her own interests.
• 3:34
  And at the end of the evening, she ended up feeling very drained and disconnected and all because of her worry about how the others would perceive her.
• 3:43
  Chris attended a family reunion where he noticed that his cousin seemed to be a little bit more enthusiastic about talking with each other versus talking with him.
• 3:51
  And because he's starting to feel left out, then he assumes that they must not like him very much.
• 3:56
  So in an effort to win over their approval, then Chris starts to go overboard.
• 4:01
  He's trying to make jokes to really impress them.
• 4:03
  And he's, he's making up all these stories to share.
• 4:06
  And he spent the entire event seeking the validation from his cousins.
• 4:09
  And really neglecting to just enjoy his time with his family.
• 4:13
  And after that event, he found that he was feeling really exhausted.
• 4:16
  And honestly, he was a little disheartened kind of wondering why he always feels the need to prove himself to other people.
• 4:22
  Especially family.
• 4:24
  Now in each of these examples, then insecurity has really taken root.
• 4:28
  And winning people over has now become the top priority.
• 4:32
  So when this happens, instead of creating these authentic, genuine connections with others, then it can sometimes feel like you're really forcing something that's not coming naturally.
• 4:40
  It can feel a lot like forcing a square peg into a round hole, and this can create a lot of challenges.
• 4:46
  So first and foremost, it can lead to a loss of authenticity.
• 4:50
  When the primary goal is to win over the approval of other people, then that can mean sacrificing our own level of authenticity.
• 4:57
  So this might look like suppressing your own true thoughts and feelings.
• 5:01
  Or maybe it's sacrificing your own interests and favor what it is that you think that the other people might like to hear or see instead.
• 5:08
  And this really truly results in a lack of that genuine connection that we're all seeking because the others aren't getting to know the real person.
• 5:16
  Instead, they're only getting to know this projected image of you.
• 5:20
  Second it creates constant pressure or almost like a feeling of walking on eggshells.
• 5:25
  Seeking approval from others.
• 5:26
  It puts us under constant pressure to perform or act in a certain way because we're worried if we don't, then we'll be rejected.
• 5:34
  And this pressure can be exhausting.
• 5:36
  It can lead to feelings of anxiety, stress, and inadequacy.
• 5:40
  There's a constant fear of not meeting other's expectations, which can be really mentally draining.
• 5:46
  Third, it creates unfulfilling relationships.
• 5:49
  Trying to win other people over without considering true compatibility, it tends to create more superficial and one sided relationships.
• 5:57
  And these relationships, they lack the depth and the meaning that we're looking for because they're based on external validation rather than shared values, shared interests and that true, genuine connection.
• 6:10
  So ultimately individuals may find themselves feeling really unfulfilled and lonely in these relationships.
• 6:17
  Fourth, it increases the difficulty as it pertains to setting boundaries.
• 6:21
  When the focus is on gaining the approval of others, it can be a challenge to set boundaries and people might find that they're even agreeing to things that they don't want to do, or they're tolerating behaviors that to them, they don't find acceptable at all.
• 6:33
  And this is all to maintain the approval of others.
• 6:37
  And this can lead to feelings of resentment as well as a loss of self-respect.
• 6:41
  And fifth, it creates further insecurity and low self esteem.
• 6:46
  Relying on external validation for self-worth.
• 6:48
  It may create feelings of unworthiness or an adequacy.
• 6:51
  If they believe that they're not meeting other people's expectations.
• 6:54
  And this can lead to a lack of confidence.
• 6:56
  In one's own abilities and it diminishes that sense of self.
• 7:01
  Now seeking the approval of others.
• 7:03
  It's not necessarily a bad thing.
• 7:04
  We all want to dress to impress.
• 7:07
  But it is just as important to point out how exhausting it can be mentally, physically, and emotionally when we are trying so hard investing so much time and energy.
• 7:15
  into impressing everybody around us and we can save ourselves a lot of time and energy by simply focusing on the people that we truly do want to connect with rather than focusing on connecting in with everybody.
• 7:29
  So how might the characters that I introduced earlier shift their focus a little bit to create more authentic, balanced, and fulfilling relationships.
• 7:36
  Let's kind of take a look for a minute.
• 7:38
  So instead of fixating on trying to win over Debbie's approval, then Sarah could shift her focus to finding more genuine connections.
• 7:44
  With the other people in her book club.
• 7:46
  So for instance, she might notice another member who shares her love of gardening.
• 7:49
  And Sarah might be able to approach this person during the clubs social time and strike up a conversation about their favorite plants or some gardening tips.
• 7:57
  And by focusing on connecting with someone who shares her interests, then Sarah can cultivate more meaningful relationships without the pressure of trying to win over the approval of other people.
• 8:08
  Even those that she really doesn't have much in common with.
• 8:10
  And I'm also just going to add that this really is a very common problem for this population.
• 8:15
  Is if we get the sense that someone in our circle.
• 8:19
  Maybe it doesn't click with us as well.
• 8:21
  I'm not going to say not like us because in this case then it's just that they weren't really clicking.
• 8:24
  Right.
• 8:25
  They didn't have a lot in common.
• 8:26
  But the people pleaser brain is going to want to say, okay, red alert.
• 8:29
  I must make this person like me.
• 8:31
  And then we're overlooking all of the people that do probably genuinely like us and want to get to know us a bit better.
• 8:37
  So just notice if that's coming up for you.
• 8:39
  Okay.
• 8:40
  Now let's talk a bit more about Emily.
• 8:42
  Now when Emily finds herself at that dinner party, where she's feeling a little bit out of place, then she could choose instead to embrace her own uniqueness.
• 8:49
  Rather than investing all of her energy into just trying to fit in.
• 8:52
  So for example, maybe she decides to initiate a game of never have I ever to see if she can find other people in the group that can relate to the things that she has in common with them.
• 9:01
  Rather than focusing so much of her attention on all the ways that they're different and trying to fit herself into their mold.
• 9:08
  She can just show up as herself and see, okay, who's got this in common with me.
• 9:12
  So this way, Emily can create more genuine connections with others without feeling, need to impress and win over an entire crowd.
• 9:19
  And this approach allows her to be authentic and appreciated for who she truly is.
• 9:24
  Now for Chris, instead of working really hard to seek this validation from his cousins and really working hard to impress them.
• 9:30
  Then he might choose instead to just focus on enjoying his reunion in his own way.
• 9:34
  So this might mean just engaging with the people that he already feels comfortable with instead of trying to engage in these other cousins, or he might decide to choose more of a one-on-one approach.
• 9:44
  So he might notice that there's another cousin who is just reading a book by themselves or playing a game.
• 9:49
  And he might choose to engage in a little bit more relaxed conversation with them.
• 9:53
  Rather than trying to make jokes to win over an entire crowd.
• 9:57
  And by connecting with his cousin on this more personal level, then Chris can enjoy more meaningful interactions without the pressure of trying to win over an entire group.
• 10:06
  And this is allowing him to be himself to show up more authentically and really appreciate those more genuine connections that he can have on that one on one level.
• 10:16
  Now in each of these examples and the shift in mindset involves four things.
• 10:20
  So it involves noticing opportunities as they come up.
• 10:24
  It's just simply being aware of the people around you who share your similar interests and just seem open to conversation.
• 10:32
  Second it's approaching with authenticity.
• 10:35
  Is choosing to engage in those conversations or interactions that are really based on that genuine interest, rather than trying to pretend to be somebody else so that, that you can impress the other person.
• 10:45
  It also involves really embracing our own personal uniqueness, really recognizing that it's okay to be different and focusing on those connections with the people that really do appreciate that individuality.
• 10:57
  Remember not everybody's going to like you and that's okay.
• 10:59
  The goal isn't to get everybody to like you.
• 11:01
  It's just to see those people that you genuinely connect with and forth.
• 11:06
  It's really about seeking those meaningful connections and prioritizing quality over quantity and aiming for those deeper one-on-one interactions.
• 11:15
  Again, rather than trying to win over the approval of a crowd now by adopting these approaches than Sarah, Emily, and Chris, they can shift their focus from seeking others' approval to building self-confidence and enjoying meaningful connections based on mutual interests and authenticity.
• 11:30
  And this shift can lead to more peace, fulfillment and genuine relationships in their lives.
• 11:37
  Now in episode two, you are not for everyone.
• 11:39
  And that's okay.
• 11:40
  Which I will link in the show notes below, but I share an example of trying to be everyone's favorite cookie and in the act of trying to become everyone's favorite cookie, we might find we're mixing a lot of ingredients together that might not be all that great.
• 11:53
  So yeah, we can, we're throwing in some nuts and some chocolate and that's fine.
• 11:56
  But then we start throwing in peppermint and lemon and coconut and all sorts of things into this one cookie and soon we're essentially making ourselves into a cookie that nobody likes, because nobody even knows what kind of a cookie we are.
• 12:08
  They're looking for their favorite kind of cookie.
• 12:10
  And we're saying, no, I'm your favorite?
• 12:11
  Because I have lemon in me like book, wait a second.
• 12:14
  Something's different about you.
• 12:15
  Right.
• 12:16
  So when we're trying to please everyone.
• 12:18
  Ultimately, we're creating a scenario where we're not pleasing anyone and least of all ourselves.
• 12:24
  Because we're really losing ourselves as we're trying to conform to what it is that we think everybody else wants.
• 12:30
  So think for a moment about your current relationships.
• 12:34
  Are you able to be your authentic self in these relationships?
• 12:38
  Or do you feel like you're constantly having to compromise what it is that you want in order to please others and remain in relationship?
• 12:46
  Are you muting yourself in order to keep the peace?
• 12:48
  Or do you feel like you actually could speak up about what activities you would like to do?
• 12:53
  And yes, it is okay to find different people with different interests.
• 12:56
  We don't have to have everything in common with everybody.
• 12:59
  You know, I have my plant friends and I have my nature friends and I have my musical friends and my magical friends.
• 13:04
  And when certain friends do overlap in different categories than it really is a magical thing.
• 13:09
  But the goal isn't to see how many people you can win over the goal is to see if you can find those people that truly resonate with you.
• 13:16
  If you can find those people that really light you up and it help you to show up as your best and highest and most authentic self.
• 13:23
  Because this is going to create that safety and security and that true, meaningful connection where you'll know that they're actually in a relationship with you.
• 13:31
  Rather than this false image of you.
• 13:34
  And sometimes then people they do shift and change over time.
• 13:38
  So, let me tell you a story of a client of mine that I will call Jodi.
• 13:41
  So Jody had been in friendship for several years with her friend, Mandy, and they were both young mothers at the time.
• 13:47
  And during that time, because they had such a similar experience, they really did have a lot in common.
• 13:52
  But as the years went on, then their differences started to become more and more apparent.
• 13:58
  So Jody was exploring new educational and career opportunities.
• 14:01
  And Mandy had found any artistic community that she was meeting with twice a week.
• 14:06
  And when this was happening, then Jody started to feel left out and like Mandy had maybe moved on without her.
• 14:12
  When really Mandy was just going and doing the same thing, Jody was doing, exploring new interests.
• 14:17
  So for a while, then Jody really worked to maintain relationship with Mandy and asking for dedicated time each week to maintain a friendship that she truly valued.
• 14:26
  But over time, she began to feel like a burden to Mandy who had other friends and other interests.
• 14:31
  And Jody tried to meet Mandy where she was at, and she even attended some of the artistic events, but when her efforts weren't being reciprocated with what she was interested in doing, then she began to get discouraged and it can be really hard when friendships evolve and change over time.
• 14:47
  And also we create so much more pain.
• 14:50
  And anxiety for ourselves when we're trying to force relationships that no longer serve us now as I worked with Jody, then I asked her some questions to help her to gain some clarity.
• 15:00
  So as I talked with Jody, then she told me, yeah, she had filled my role as an intimate friend for many, many years.
• 15:06
  And it's really hard that it doesn't seem like she's filling that role for me.
• 15:08
  Now.
• 15:09
  Now keep in mind that when we have expectations for somebody, if we think someone should be showing up for us as an intimate, we're going to have very different expectations of them and the higher, our expectations of them, the greater the disappointment when they don't meet those needs.
• 15:22
  Now I do have an episode I'm going to look up where I kind of talk about the circles of relationship and adjusting those circles accordingly.
• 15:28
  So I'll be sure to link that in the show notes as well.
• 15:30
  Uh, but I want you to think about what circle you're putting people in and what are the expectations there and what does that creating for you?
• 15:37
  Because oftentimes when someone has been let into our intimate circle, we think, okay, now they need to stay there forever.
• 15:43
  We kind of lock them into that box.
• 15:45
  But when we're children, we know that.
• 15:46
  Okay.
• 15:47
  Well, when I'm in third grade, I'm going to be friends with all the third graders and Mrs.
• 15:50
  Galloway's class.
• 15:51
  You know, we have a very specific thing that, yes, these are my friends.
• 15:55
  And then when you go into fourth grade and you're now in Mrs.
• 15:57
  Jones's class, Then we know that our friends are going to be different.
• 16:01
  But as we grow older and we mature, then we are going to have some similar experiences to that where it's interesting because oftentimes when we're older, we think that it shouldn't be that way.
• 16:11
  We should just be friends forever.
• 16:13
  We have a harder time when our friend moves away or when circumstances have changed when they've developed new interests and they're no longer able to show up for us in the way that they did when we were all on the same third grade class.
• 16:25
  So just have a little bit of grace there and just know that, okay, this is just one of life's transitions.
• 16:29
  It doesn't mean that my worth or my value has diminished.
• 16:32
  This is just kind of what the evolution of relationship looks like.
• 16:35
  And it can help you to find a bit more peace there through these life transitions.
• 16:40
  Okay, so back to Jody.
• 16:41
  So Jody did kind of have a harsh reality that okay.
• 16:45
  Mandy's just not going to be able to show up for me in the way that she used to, but when she was able to come to radically accept this, then it made it a lot easier for her to see.
• 16:53
  Okay.
• 16:53
  So who might be able to fill this need for me now, this used to be filled by Mandy and now there's a bit of empty space there.
• 16:59
  And then she can intentionally look for other people to fill that space.
• 17:03
  So she realized that because she had been investing so much time into Mandy, hoping that Mandy would start to show up for her again.
• 17:10
  Then, because she was doing that.
• 17:12
  And that's where her time and attention and energy was focused.
• 17:15
  Then she kind of overlooked these classmates of hers that were on a very similar journey as her.
• 17:20
  And so once she realized that, then she decided instead to invest her energy into those new relationships.
• 17:26
  And those relationships have deepened over time and have become very fulfilling for her.
• 17:31
  And while there is still a little bit of ache around the loss of her bestie.
• 17:35
  Then she's recognizing now that it's not as intense of a pain as it used to be, as she's working to really nurture that new community, she has found joy in creating her new community.
• 17:45
  And this new community is one that is more in alignment with the life that it is that she wants to create for herself.
• 17:52
  When we focus solely on gaining the approval of others, then we risk losing our true selves in the process.
• 17:58
  We suppress our thoughts, our feelings, our interests.
• 18:01
  And we do all of this thinking that then this will help us to fit into the mold that other people want us to fit into and that constant pressure to meet other people's expectations.
• 18:10
  It creates anxiety, stress, and feelings of inadequacy.
• 18:13
  And it also makes our relationships more superficial.
• 18:16
  They're lacking the depth and the meaning that we're seeking, and it leaves us feeling unfulfilled and lonely.
• 18:22
  And when this happens, then we may struggle to set boundaries.
• 18:25
  Or I might find that we're agreeing to do things that don't actually align with our values, just in an effort to keep people in our lives that we're not actually in alignment with.
• 18:34
  And of course, this is going to impact your self esteem is you're seeking to rely on that external validation for your worth rather than turning inward.
• 18:42
  But it doesn't have to be this way.
• 18:43
  A simple shift in mindset where we begin to prioritize authenticity, embrace our own uniqueness and seek out these more meaningful connections based on genuine interests can make a world of difference in our connections with others.
• 18:57
  And it can help to lift up that heavy burden of constantly trying to please other people while also allowing us to cultivate relationships that do bring that genuine joy.
• 19:06
  And genuine fulfillment.
• 19:09
  So take a moment to reflect on your own relationships.
• 19:12
  Are you able to be your authentic self?
• 19:14
  Are you muting your true desires to keep the peace?
• 19:17
  Remember that the goal isn't to win everybody over the goal is to find those that truly resonate with us.
• 19:21
  Even if those people do shift and change over time.
• 19:24
  And being willing to allow it to shift and change over time, releasing that cling energy, right?
• 19:30
  The people pleaser energy, it tends to cling, and that really can create a lot of resistance.
• 19:34
  So just notice that yeah, people are going to come and go in my life and it's going to be okay.
• 19:40
  So let's embrace our own authenticity and seek more meaningful connections.
• 19:44
  And that go have the pressure to win over everyone else and their approval and in doing so we can find more peace, fulfillment and genuine happiness in our relationships and in ourselves.
• 19:56
  So, Hey, if you find that you struggle with people pleasing and you would like some free support, I hope that you will consider signing up for my free stop people, pleasing webinar.
• 20:05
  And this will take place on April 19th at 11:00 AM mountain time.
• 20:09
  And at that time doesn't work for you.
• 20:10
  No worries.
• 20:11
  I will be sending out a replay.
• 20:13
  This is a free event, but you must register to join.
• 20:16
  So if this interests you, then click the link in the show notes to save your seat.
• 20:20
  And yeah, I look forward to seeing you there.
• 20:22
  So I hope you have a great week and let's talk soon.
• 20:24
  Bye now.