Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 225. How Emotionally Mature Women Apologise: 5 Ways to Repair Broken Trust

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225. How Emotionally Mature Women Apologise: 5 Ways to Repair Broken Trust · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Apologie Production. Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashy
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana. This podcast is about.
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  Speaker 2: Female empowerment and encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest,
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  Speaker 2: and most authentic version of yourself.
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.
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  Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone
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  Speaker 1: else is too afraid to talk about.
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  Speaker 3: Get ready for your next level of self.
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Welcome back to she Rises. Today. We've got
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: a very important episode. We actually promised you guys we
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: would bring this episode, and it's the five Ways to Apologize.
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: As we grew up, we learn a lot of us
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: and not taught how to apologize. It's very uncomfortable to apologize.
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  Speaker 1: Speaking from my own experience and relate, I think a
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  Speaker 1: lot of us. You know, it's not normal to say sorrow.
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  Speaker 1: It's so uncomfortable because you're admitting that you're in fault,
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: you're admitting that you've hurt someone, you're admitting that you've
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: done something wrong. That shit is uncomfortable. Yeah, but what
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  Speaker 1: we've also learned is that there's many ways to apologize,
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  Speaker 1: just like there's many ways to give and receive love.
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  Speaker 1: And if you just sorry. A lot of people that
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  Speaker 1: doesn't do anything. So we're going to talk about the
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  Speaker 1: five different ways that you can apologize. Also for you
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  Speaker 1: to get clarried on how an apology can actually penetrate
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  Speaker 1: you and you can really feel that someone is going
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: to create change, not do that again. They show remorse,
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  Speaker 1: they actually are sorry, because sometimes sorry just doesn't cut.
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  Speaker 3: It doesn't touch sides.
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  Speaker 2: And like, this is such a big conversation because a
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  Speaker 2: lot of the questions and dms and stuff we get
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  Speaker 2: are about relationships, yes, friendships, giamics.
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  Speaker 3: And things like that.
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  Speaker 2: So we want to kind of bring in stuff that's
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: actually going to help you prevent relationship breakdowns. Yea friendship breakdowns,
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  Speaker 2: coworking breakdowns, because it's the bond that keeps everything together.
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  Speaker 2: Is the way that you repair. Yeah, it's not about
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: I mean, sometimes it's about the damage that it's done,
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: but it's about the way that you repair those little
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  Speaker 2: cracks that kind of happen that sustain your relationships for
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  Speaker 2: the long term.
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  Speaker 3: So let's get into it.
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  Speaker 1: Before we get started, let's do our share of the week.
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  Speaker 1: I'll go first. I'm loving these drinks. You can get
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: them from most health food stores. Or even wullly sell
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: some of them. No, it's not always actually fuck me, sorry, Katie,
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: after I do, it's you thinking about the other ones.
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: There's another Boobly Bubbly, different but similar, Michael bubb You
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: know Michael boob Booble. Oh yeah, he has a fizzy
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  Speaker 1: drink brand. It's Bubbly. This is Bobby. Sorry, that's very unbrand. Wow,
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  Speaker 1: Katie's gonna be like, fuck my lafe. These girls painful.
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  Speaker 1: I'm sorry me not you. Alrighty, al right, before we
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: get started, let's go over our shares of the week.
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: Mine is a soft drink brand, a healthy soft drink
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  Speaker 1: brand called Bobby. I get them from my health food
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  Speaker 1: store or they're also sold at a fruit shopping in
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  Speaker 1: my house. They have so many different flavors. I've got
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: the vanilla cola one in my hand. No, this is
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: not sponsored, but we would love to be sponsored by you.
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: They have an orange and it tastes exactly like Fanco.
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: They have a lemon lime once really refreshing, grape berry
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: passion fruit lemon lime. There's so many flavors and the
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: ingredients are really really good, only thirty nine calories. The
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: artificial sweetness or colors or flavors. They're really really gummy.
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: I just love a good flavored drink, and I find
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: somek Butcher's are just a little bit too kim Butchery
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: for me, you know, a bit beery yeah that after taste. Yeah, okay,
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: so these are just b O b b y. I
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  Speaker 1: love them very good. That's yours.
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  Speaker 2: Mine is actually just a cute little quote from a
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  Speaker 2: Leila Harmosy and it says a sign of an intelligent
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  Speaker 2: person is their ability to learn from anyone, even those
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  Speaker 2: they dislike love.
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  Speaker 3: And I think this is really really.
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  Speaker 2: Cool because I think there's something that we can learn
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  Speaker 2: from everyone, especially when we're triggered. Yes, triggers feel like
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  Speaker 2: a bit of a common theme common.
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  Speaker 1: I've been a.
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  Speaker 2: Triggered girly lately, and I think it's a it's just
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  Speaker 2: a common thing that's like in my awareness at the moment,
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  Speaker 2: and I'm like, oh wow, Like, look at all of
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  Speaker 2: the things that we get triggered at that we don't like,
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  Speaker 2: people that we get triggered out, like all of those things,
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  Speaker 2: Like if we just learned one thing from each person,
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  Speaker 2: we would feel so much better off. So true, you know,
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  Speaker 2: because you'd learn so much more about yourself and like
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  Speaker 2: they people say, like other people are literally like mirrors
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  Speaker 2: to who you are deep down and learning how to
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  Speaker 2: truly accept yourself and if we want to be able
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: to be someone who is calm, regulated, confident, know ourselves
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  Speaker 2: inside and out, like it comes from being able to
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  Speaker 2: look at things that feel really uncomfortable when we're presented
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  Speaker 2: with them.
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  Speaker 1: I'm so true, thank you. Right, let's get started, all right,
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  Speaker 1: So the first one is apologizing through words. So an
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  Speaker 1: example written down is something like I spoke to you
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  Speaker 1: dismissively and that wasn't okay. I understand how that impacted you.
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  Speaker 1: So it's actually voicing acknowledging what you've done and that
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  Speaker 1: you're not going to do it again. Rather than to
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: say I'm so sorry I've hurt you, it's actually going
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  Speaker 1: into detail like today I dismissed you, or today I
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: didn't hold the space for you, or today I got
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  Speaker 1: really defensive and I didn't acknowledge how you were feeling. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: because then the person's like, oh, okay, they actually understand
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  Speaker 1: how they hurt me. So now next time I think
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  Speaker 1: they'll be more aware of not to do that.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's like you're allowing that person to feel really
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  Speaker 2: heard by you, especially if you repeat back to them
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  Speaker 2: things that they've mentioned. Yeah, So if they come to
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  Speaker 2: you and say, like, I felt really dismissed, I'm so
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  Speaker 2: sorry that I made you feel that way.
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  Speaker 1: Because I've listened, so you know they're listening, you're paying attention.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, Yeah, it's the consideration of like, wow, they really
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  Speaker 2: heard me when I was talking in my.
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  Speaker 3: Bo vulnerable moment.
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  Speaker 1: Because how's the difference between let's just like role play.
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  Speaker 1: If you come to me and say something, I just go, oh,
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  Speaker 1: shits sorr obabe, didn't mean to make you feel like that.
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  Speaker 2: It's like the conversation's not over. There's no care that happens.
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  Speaker 1: Or I'm sorry you feel like that.
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  Speaker 3: Oh why does that trigger me?
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  Speaker 1: Because it's like I'm not taking responsibility. I'm just like
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  Speaker 1: putting all on you to fred with like, oh I'm
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  Speaker 1: sorry you feel like that. It's not me saying sorry
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  Speaker 1: at all. It's so disingenuous. Disingenuous. Yeah, Yeah, there's such
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  Speaker 1: a difference between I'm so sorry that you felt dismissed.
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  Speaker 1: That's the last thing I wanted to do, and next
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  Speaker 1: time I'm going to make sure that I actually pause,
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  Speaker 1: listen to what you've got going on, and repeat back
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  Speaker 1: to you so you know that I've heard you, because
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  Speaker 1: I don't want your feeling like that, Oh I'm really
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  Speaker 1: really sorry.
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  Speaker 3: You know.
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  Speaker 1: Big difference definitely, tone, energy, and body language huge, And
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  Speaker 1: then the way you deliver it absolutely yeah, plays a
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: big role it does. The next one is apologizing through accountability,
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  Speaker 1: so you know, say, for example, like whatever you've got
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  Speaker 1: written down is this isn't the first time I've done this,
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  Speaker 1: and I'm taking responsibility for the pattern, not for just
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  Speaker 1: how I behave today. And I really like this one
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  Speaker 1: because the accountability part is recognizing that you're contributing to
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  Speaker 1: what's happening. It's not just going, oh, that person is
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  Speaker 1: like they're overreacting or they're being dramatic or whatever. It's
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  Speaker 1: actually going like, oh, wow, this person who loves me
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  Speaker 1: is being willing enough to share with me what I've
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  Speaker 1: done have made them feel. How can I be better
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  Speaker 1: in this dynamic?
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  Speaker 2: Accountability, I believe is such a huge role, And for
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  Speaker 2: me personally, when I know someone's taking accountability, I'm like,
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  Speaker 2: thank you so much for being willing to own that
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  Speaker 2: because it feels like it goes such a long way.
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  Speaker 2: It's not just they're just having a conversation with me.
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  Speaker 2: They're actually willing to change their behavior for me and
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  Speaker 2: for the dynamic that we have. And I think that's
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  Speaker 2: a very important thing. So to be willing to go
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  Speaker 2: like I'm doing this behavior. Where in the past have
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  Speaker 2: I shut up like this? I've done this multiple times.
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  Speaker 2: Now I'm disappointing this person consistently. What steps can I
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  Speaker 2: take to actually show this person that I do really
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  Speaker 2: care about them.
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  Speaker 1: And change my behavior, change my bad Because if they
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  Speaker 1: can't take accountability for it, they might not even be
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  Speaker 1: aware of their exact behavior. So if they're not aware
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  Speaker 1: of their exact behavior, how are they going to change
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  Speaker 1: and prevent them happening next time? Most likely they're going
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  Speaker 1: to be on a pattern. Repeat. Yeah. So to actually
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  Speaker 1: taking accountability and acknowledging that, I think it's huge. That's
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  Speaker 1: a big one for me. Yeah. I don't like just words.
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  Speaker 1: I think words can be so empty. Yeah fluffy, yeah, fluffy,
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  Speaker 1: and anyone just say I'm sorry. Yeah, but actually like
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  Speaker 1: owning and taking accountability huge.
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  Speaker 2: It's like, this is what I notice in my behavior,
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  Speaker 2: this is what I'm going to do to correct it, yes,
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  Speaker 2: and to like rectify the problem. Yeah, and I'll check
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: in with you about it.
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: We'll read all of these out and then we'll chat
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: about the ones that we resonate most with. And also,
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: as you're listening, maybe get out your notes and take
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: down some notes to what these each are and what
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: feels good for you, because if you can understand these
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  Speaker 1: and teach these to your partner or even just start
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: to understand your friends more and ahs like how does
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  Speaker 1: an apology feel good for you? But when things do happen?
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  Speaker 1: Because life's going to happen, I think it's so important,
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: just like knowing someone's love language.
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  Speaker 3: Absolutely so.
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  Speaker 1: The next one apologizing through change behavior. So it's me words,
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  Speaker 1: but it's immediate behavior change. I love this one. Like
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  Speaker 1: I said, words would be empty for me, maybe just
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  Speaker 1: because I've had broken trust through words. But someone that
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  Speaker 1: changes their behavior immediately it shows me that they fully
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  Speaker 1: understand what they've done young they can see and feel
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  Speaker 1: the impact that it has on me, and they immediately
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  Speaker 1: want to change it to avoid the disconnect, avoid trust
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  Speaker 1: being broken, to avoid me feeling how I feel right now.
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  Speaker 1: It's huge. Yeah, probably one of my biggest Yeah, I
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: love change behavior because then you just feel safe that
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  Speaker 1: it's not going to happen against Yeah, living an eggshells
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: where it's just words, I'm like, okay, saying the thing,
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: but how do I know you're not going to do
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: it again? Where just change behavior, I'm like, oh, they
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: fucking get up. Yeah, this conversation again.
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: Yes, right, And it's like not having to chase up
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: more conversations about it too.
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: It's desmfortable.
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: And I think like the people who have like the
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: minimal apologizing through change behavior and minimal words, they also
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: don't really value words too. So true, I imagine you
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: know where it's like, oh, but they understand that. Like
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: I can say all the things right now, is that
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: actually going to change anything?
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  Speaker 3: Probably not. So I'm actually going to go within.
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah, wrecked via the problem yeah, and then like just
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  Speaker 2: do that, do that thing immediately.
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: I always bring it in. But it's just the thing
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: that I can relate to most is with Steve's drinking
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: over the years. And if you haven't listened to Steve's
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: episode with us, please go back and listen so you
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: understand context of our relationship. But basically, he's been sober
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: before over a year now. But back in the day
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: when he was drinking lots, if he would get drunk
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: or not come home at a certain time, or tell
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: me he's had three drinks but he's had more. If
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: he just say sorry, it meant nothing to me. Yeah,
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: because I'm like, well, it's happened before and you said sorry,
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: so now you're saying sorry again. But the same shit's happening.
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: It just like broke that trust of words. Yeah. Whereas
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: change behavior of him deciding actually, I'm not going to
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: drink anymore because it doesn't serve our relationship, It doesn't
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: serve my health, doesn't serve how I show up as
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: a dad, doesn't serve anything that I value. Yeah, that
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: change behavior was like instant, Oh he gets it. Yeah,
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: And I feel hurt and I feel safe, and I
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: feel we're on the right path together, and like, I
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: don't have to bring up this conversation again we have
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: to fight about the same thing again.
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  Speaker 2: You felt like he was taking it seriously in that
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: moment because it was changed behavior.
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: Yes, So that's why I love change behavior. I think
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: it's very powerful. It's definitely. Yeah, we love that. Less
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: of this more doing. Oh you guys, can't see it
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: I'm doing doing like a.
• 10:13
  Speaker 3: Talking our hands like a yeah, yeah we don't.
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: We always do it home and people like talk instead
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: of doing like.
• 10:20
  Speaker 3: They're doing a lot of this and not a lot
• 10:21
  Speaker 3: of this, which is the doing.
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  Speaker 1: That's what I'm doing right now.
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  Speaker 2: So the next one would be apologizing through repair. So
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: you know that might sound like I know this might
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: take some time, but like what would help you feel
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: safe moving forward? So it's almost like working to find
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: a resolution by directly asking that person what it is
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: that they need, coming up with like a joint plan
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: to get yeah, Like it's like instead of me going
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: and figuring it out on my own, we're going to
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: work as a team to be able to go, Okay,
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: how can I repair in this moment? That's going to
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: help you feel better? And it might not be words,
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: but it might might be words of affirmation. Yeah, it
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: might be physical touch. It might be you changing your behavior,
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: like just being able to come together as a team
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: and use your tool and skills to repair that moment
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: through going Hey, like, what's going to make you feel
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: safe in this? And that person might tell you I
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: need you to do this, this and this, but it
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: might be something that you can do temporarily that's going
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: to help bridge the gap and start rebuilding that bridge
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: of connection again.
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: How would that look like for you if someone was
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: wanting to do like a do you have a personal example?
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: And like for me personally, it'd be something like, Steve
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: would love you to go see a coach because I
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: can see this woman that's showing up in our relationship
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: it's impacting us. Or can we go see someone together
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: so we can have a different perspective, Yeah, and come
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: up with a plan moving forward so we can prevent
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: this happening again. I love that.
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: So previous relationship that I was in, I remember very
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: early days in the relationship, we had organized to see
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: each other on like a Saturday or a Sunday, and
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: it was probably around like three o'clock, but he had
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: to go to work beforehand. Three o'clock comes around and
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: he's like, no where to be found, and he's like, oh,
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: by the way, we're late and I'm only just starting now.
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: And I was like, we're only just starting now, like
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: we're supposed to be catching up. We said that we
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: were going to have quality time this afternoon. So I
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: got upset because I was like, don't tell me a
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: time if you're not going to be there, and even
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: if you are going to be late, just give me
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: a courtesy message. Like courtesy message will go a long way.
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: But it was right around the time when we were
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: supposed to see each other. Did he say that we
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: just started so yeah, again, I got the shits. What
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: that looked like for us moving forward was because we
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: didn't actually set in a lock time.
• 12:25
  Speaker 3: It was just after this time.
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: I will be free, makes sense, but it.
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: Wasn't a locked in time, and so for us, what
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: we worked out was like, Okay, well maybe if we
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: don't lock in an actual time, then it's just kind
• 12:37
  Speaker 2: of up in the air. But if it's a locked
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: in time, then it's we have to send the courtesy
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: message and make sure that we're checking in with each
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: other and going, hey, I'm going to be late. But
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: if it's just like, oh, let's spend time this afternoon
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: because we haven't locked anything in, then it's like if
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: he doesn't call message, then he's obviously busy. He's obviously
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: doing work or vice versa. And so I think just
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: even that small distinction of unless we lock in a time, yeah,
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: then it's kind of off in the air. Yeah, and
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: like that allowed some space and less pressure to be like, Okay,
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: this is how we can work as a team moving
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: forward to make sure that like I'm not getting resentful
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: and he's not feeling guilty like he has to be
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: like on call all the time.
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you're also not like wasting your time waiting around
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: thinking he's going to be there when he's not.
• 13:18
  Speaker 3: That's right.
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, that would build up resentment. You'd be shitty
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: at him, be like why could it be with my
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: friends or gone to wash my car or done some work,
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: that's right.
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: And so it's like when there is a locked in time,
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: it's like, if you're not going to be there on time, yeah,
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: send me a courtesy message. Yes, that's like a non
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: negotial work. Send me a courtesy I love that.
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, communication with that kind of stuff so important. Hey,
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: just like send a message.
• 13:37
  Speaker 3: It sounds like a small thing, right, but it.
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: Turns into something big.
• 13:41
  Speaker 3: It does.
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: It does, and it just creates a lack of trust
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: that you said you're going to be here here at
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: this time and now you'll know where to be on
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: you and you've just started.
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, I rely on someone super important.
• 13:52
  Speaker 3: Absolutely.
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah. So the next one is apologizing through self reflection,
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: so addressing the root problem, not just the behavior to
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: prevent future harm. It's almost like the change behavior on.
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: So it's like understanding a behavior and where it truly
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: comes from and making sure that you're working on that,
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: not just the incident of why it happened, and you're
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: getting to the root as to why it happened. So
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: it must be like a deep rooted cause that's created
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: you to behave like that, So you're not just apologizing
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: for behavior. A lot of deep reflection and owning like, oh,
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: I'm behaving like this because in my childhood this happened,
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: and now it makes me behave like this. Yeah, so
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: I'm going to make sure I work on this. That's
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: gonna be my focus so that this behavior doesn't happen again. Yeah.
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: Super love that when that comes up. I love that.
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: An example of how this showed up sometime last year
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: when I was like sleeping into my alarm when we
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: would go for walks in the morning, and I know
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: that that created like mistrust in like my word and
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: me showing up in the mornings because I was like
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: going through a breakup at the time, and I was
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: really struggling, and I just remember feeling like even getting
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: up in the morning was tough. But I imagine how
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: that kind of showed up for me was like I
• 14:57
  Speaker 2: did it time and time again, and I felt like
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: I was constantly disappointing you and also breaking my word
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: with you in terms of showing up and making sure
• 15:03
  Speaker 2: that in the mornings when I would wait, you were
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: ready and I was also there ready to pick you up.
• 15:08
  Speaker 2: And then for me, it was like, Okay, what is
• 15:10
  Speaker 2: it about what I'm currently doing and choosing that's contributing
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: to me doing this and consistently doing this? You know,
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: it was like my phone being dead in the morning,
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: not having put on charge, but a lot of the
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: times it was like me scrolling late at night and trying.
• 15:24
  Speaker 3: To numb, numb, you know.
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: So I was like trying to regulate by like numbing
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: and avoid my emotions and things that were coming up
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: for me that I was struggling with. But then knowing
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: that like, okay, so long as I scroll and numb
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: and then my phone's dead enough, don't put on charge
• 15:39
  Speaker 2: in the wall, I'm snoozing my alarm or I'm not
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: getting enough sleep, so I'm tired in the morning, and
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: then my phone's dead, so like I can't call Ashley
• 15:47
  Speaker 2: in the morning because I sleep through my alarm, and
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: then she's waiting for me. And so for me, it
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: was like looking at all of those things of what
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: behavior is contributing to this outcome, why is it reoccurring?
• 15:59
  Speaker 3: And like who do I actually want to be?
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: The like where's stem from?
• 16:02
  Speaker 3: Where is stem from?
• 16:03
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so like all of those things and then reminding
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: myself of like who I want to be and how
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: I want to be as a friend, all of those
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: things helped me go like, oh, no, fuck, this is
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: actually a behavior I need to clean up because otherwise
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: this can be something that creates huge cracks in our
• 16:16
  Speaker 2: relationship down the line.
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: But yeah, yeah, it was annoying for sure, but I
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: didn't think that deeply about it. But when you came
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: to me and apologized exactly what you just said through
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: self reflection and explained where it had come from was
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: come from the sadness, the breakup, which made you stay
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: up late and scroll, the numb which then made you tired,
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: I was like, oh, I can understand why this happens.
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: I just made me have more compassion for you and
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: where you were at, because obviously haven't been in your position,
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: I can't of imagine how hard that is to hold.
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: And I assume I would want to numb out as well,
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: through food or through phone or whatever. So it was
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: really nice to hear that apology and also see that
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: you wanted to talk about and own it so that
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: you could prevent our relationship breaking down. So you can
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: imagine over time, yeah, I'll get pretty pissed sake. No,
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: it's just like if you're going to say that you're
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: going to be somewhere, be there. But I think on
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: the last time, I was so far and tired, but
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: with my alarm and off, I was like, oh my gosh, okay,
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: I'm I got to get I got to get up.
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: And then when you didn't pick up your phone, I
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: was like, damn, I really needed that extra sleep, and
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: I think I voiced that to you and said, I'm
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: so fine if you want to sleep in bhy. I
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: needed that sleep this morning, but I knew I needed
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: to meet you, so I still got up. If you
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: can't walk the next day, like just let me just go,
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: you know. And it was cool because you had this
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: conversation you've never done it since. Yeah, so you clean
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: up your behavior. You understood where it came from, and
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: that was a really cool moment for us.
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: And you held me so beautifully in that too. But
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: it was just one of those moments where yeah, it
• 17:35
  Speaker 2: was like uncomfortable and hard and like, you know, just
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: you don't even realize, like not didn't realize, but it
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: was just like I continued the behavior a few times
• 17:42
  Speaker 2: more than what I was proud of doing, you know.
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: And then also like I think it was around the
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: time where I was not voicing how I was feeling
• 17:50
  Speaker 2: about the breach I hold it. I was trying to
• 17:52
  Speaker 2: hold it in and I was trying to just like
• 17:54
  Speaker 2: get through the day, and everything felt like it was stacking,
• 17:56
  Speaker 2: and then it was leaking out into other areas and.
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: My said, like, it's been well six months or something,
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: I should be over it. And you came and told
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: me how you're really feeling. I was just like, oh,
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: my gosh, know that she doesn't go away.
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: But I was just like I was just like drowning,
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: and I feel like I couldn't hold anything else either.
• 18:10
  Speaker 3: But then it showed up in.
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: My behavior and in your body.
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's just one of those things you just like
• 18:15
  Speaker 2: you've got to be accountable for.
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: Yes, definitely. So it's really really cool these different ways,
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: and even going over these again, I'm like, I need
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: to check back in with Steve because I remember looking
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: at these ways to apologize a couple of years ago,
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: and mine's definitely three. Apologizing through change behavior. That's my
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: main one. Yeah, I don't want to hear you yap
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: away and say sorry they're going to change. I showed
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: me actions speak way louder than word. Stop yupping. Just
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: do it.
• 18:39
  Speaker 3: A lot of this, like, not a lot of this.
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: Even people that say they're going to do stuff, I'm like, cool,
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: do it. Yeah, I don't even tell me that you're
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: doing it, Just do it. It's like when men promise
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: women in the world, I'm going to buy you flowers
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: and stop talking.
• 18:51
  Speaker 3: Yeah, do it.
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And I sound like such a bit right now.
• 18:53
  Speaker 2: I almost bought you flowers. Oh, I was going to
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: buy you flowers on my home.
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: But I almost brought you flowers.
• 19:00
  Speaker 3: Like, you don't get Brownie points for shit you didn't do.
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: I almost brought you flowers.
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: No, I was going to buy you flowers home, or
• 19:06
  Speaker 2: like I was going to an apartment I was going
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: to I was.
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: Going to buy you flowers. Said no. Man, Ever, surely
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: this definitely happened.
• 19:16
  Speaker 3: Oh my, I've definitely heard that I.
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: Was gonna give you a blowjob. And then I just
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: decided he doesn't appreciate that I was gunna. No.
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: I'm like I have said, in dating right loosely dating
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: to at least three men, you don't get brownie points
• 19:30
  Speaker 2: for things that you don't do. Yeah, good on you,
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: because I'm just like, absolutely fucking not. I had a
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: yes man of a partner when I first started dating,
• 19:39
  Speaker 2: a three year relationship, and he was always that guy
• 19:42
  Speaker 2: I was gonna, I was.
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: Where you just do yes? Do what's yours? What would
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: you say? Your main one is that you like when
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: people are apologizing. I definitely think accountability. Yeah, I think
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: for you too. Now you say that.
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: I'm kind of similar big on in that sense where
• 19:57
  Speaker 2: I'm like, I'm really learning how much I love communication, Yes,
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: but also how little weight words carry.
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: So true. Just tell me how you feel, but actually
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: follow through.
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: Yeah, Like I want to have the conversation, yes, but
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: I want to see action on the other side of
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: that too. So it's like I would also really like
• 20:16
  Speaker 2: number three as well, because I think when someone is
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: quick to course correct, I really appreciate that.
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: Yeah, because you know that takes a lot of conscious effort,
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: and if they can do that straight away, it just
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: gives you so much trust that you can rely on them,
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: yeah for anything. Yeah. Yeah, if you have to tell
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: them twelve times, it's like, oh, fox sake, are you
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: ever going to get this?
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: Now?
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: I don't trust you. Yeah, Now I'm not attracted to you.
• 20:34
  Speaker 2: You know.
• 20:36
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 20:36
  Speaker 2: So I think like the accountability, the change behavior, and
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: then I guess it's a combination, right, accountability, change behavior,
• 20:42
  Speaker 2: and self reflection. Yeah, I think those It's like one
• 20:45
  Speaker 2: or all of those is great, and.
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: They're all amazing, and I think, just like the love languages,
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: you can appreciate all of them, but there's probably one
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: or two that you really feel their apology more than
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: it holds more weight than the others.
• 20:57
  Speaker 3: It's cool. Yeah, change behavior, Yeah, yeah.
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: Love it what your guys are absolutely, Yeah, reflect on
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: this after this episode and see what feels good for
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: you and open this conversation up with your friends and partner.
• 21:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah, So like write down the way that you would
• 21:11
  Speaker 2: want people to apologize with you, and then get an
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: idea of like how you currently apologize with others, like
• 21:18
  Speaker 2: what are you doing? Are you the person who's just
• 21:20
  Speaker 2: saying sorry or overly talking and doing that thing, or
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: are you the person who does the change accountability?
• 21:26
  Speaker 3: And you show up in that way.
• 21:27
  Speaker 2: Too, because that'll give you a good idea of how
• 21:29
  Speaker 2: you can improve when it comes to others and how
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: you can show up better for others too, as well
• 21:33
  Speaker 2: as getting clear on what it is that you'd like
• 21:35
  Speaker 2: to receive.
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: Do you think it's like the love languages, So say,
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: if you like accountability, do you take a lot of
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: accountability when you apologize? Which I think change behavior. I
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: mean I'm pretty perfect, so I don't make a lot
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: of miss.
• 21:48
  Speaker 3: Oh you're trying to think that's true?
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: Just reflecting him, Like what do I do with Steve?
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: You need to ask him?
• 21:54
  Speaker 3: Oh, yeah, I that'd be a good question to ask.
• 21:56
  Speaker 2: Actually, I like to think that I like to think
• 21:59
  Speaker 2: keywords in this that I take accountability, yes, or that
• 22:03
  Speaker 2: I like to take accountability.
• 22:04
  Speaker 3: So I like to that people are willing to do
• 22:06
  Speaker 3: the same yeah for me.
• 22:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm also not perfect though, So.
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: I think I take a lot of accountability, but sometimes
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: not straight away. Yeah. So if I'm just regulated, I
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: can be like a little bit stubborn, but then like
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: I'm getting a lot faster at coming back. Yeah okay,
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: like with Steve, I could I could hold something for
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: a couple of days, whereas now it's like not very
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: long after and I'll come back and say sorry and
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: repair pretty quickly.
• 22:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: Okay, So my kids, if I ever like raise my
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: voice or speak to me away, I'm not proud of
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm so sorry, Mommy, did not mean to
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: say that. Like, I'm very quick to repair with them.
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: I think twenty on the people and how safe I feel,
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: what the context.
• 22:41
  Speaker 2: It definitely is important that. Yeah, I definitely think I
• 22:45
  Speaker 2: take accountability. I think I mean in that instance, we'd
• 22:48
  Speaker 2: like to sleeping in thing, I didn't do the change
• 22:50
  Speaker 2: behavior straight away because I.
• 22:53
  Speaker 3: Well, I just didn't.
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: I just didn't had to feel it like a few
• 22:55
  Speaker 2: more times. But I like to think that I like
• 22:58
  Speaker 2: to like change things. I'm pretty Yeah, like when I'm
• 23:01
  Speaker 2: conscious of something and I'm aware of a problem, like I'd
• 23:03
  Speaker 2: like to change it quickly. But I always feel like
• 23:05
  Speaker 2: like first accountability, yes, then the change behavior. But in
• 23:08
  Speaker 2: that specific instance, it took me like a couple of
• 23:10
  Speaker 2: goes to like really be like, fuck, you need to
• 23:12
  Speaker 2: like clean this.
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: And there was also over a year ago, so I
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: wanted now I think you'd be quicker to clean up
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: your behavior. Yeah, you've changed a lot, you know now
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: I'm thinking about it. I'm a words girl. I love
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: words for afformation, so I think I apologize for a
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: lot of words, but I don't want to hear words
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: from other people. Yeah that's really just like opposite.
• 23:28
  Speaker 3: Interesting.
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: Hmmm, that's confusing, that's confusing. I love that we're having
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: this like live on podcast.
• 23:35
  Speaker 3: No, it's not confusing.
• 23:36
  Speaker 2: It like that's just the way that you have learned
• 23:39
  Speaker 2: how to apologize and what it feels good for you,
• 23:41
  Speaker 2: maybe your attachment style and stuff comes out.
• 23:44
  Speaker 3: But then from other people, like the accountability and maybe.
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: A bit of anxiousness, so I overapologize. I want to
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: know that I know how you feel, and I don't
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: want to do it again. Really sorry.
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: Yeah, a little bit of falling into that like oh
• 23:54
  Speaker 2: I need to like fix souls, Yeah, create safety in architect.
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: Coming through again makes sense? Yeah, it does make sense,
• 24:02
  Speaker 1: and then for me, for.
• 24:03
  Speaker 3: Me, I'm learning.
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: No, I don't know.
• 24:05
  Speaker 2: I don't feel like with you though, anytime that we've
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: had little moments, I feel like you're onto it. I
• 24:09
  Speaker 2: don't feel like you're super wordy. I've definitely met people
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: who are super wordy, and I don't feel like you
• 24:13
  Speaker 2: fall into that category.
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 24:14
  Speaker 2: I feel like you apologize, do the thing, and then
• 24:17
  Speaker 2: you're like, oh and then take accountability. Yeah yeah, Whereas
• 24:20
  Speaker 2: like when somebody is like super wordy, which is interesting
• 24:22
  Speaker 2: because like I definitely have the ability to be like
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: that girl can yap like it's no tomorrow, But when
• 24:27
  Speaker 2: it is too many words, I'm like, what are you
• 24:29
  Speaker 2: over compensating?
• 24:30
  Speaker 3: Yeah? Yeah, why are you talking so much?
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: I think with me and you were quite good at
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: taking accountability and repairing quite fast. But he has different people,
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: different changes.
• 24:40
  Speaker 3: Oh and I'm like, does this trigger me because I
• 24:41
  Speaker 3: talk so.
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: Much like a life coaching stily, do you know what
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: I mean? I'm like, this is the car the way home?
• 24:48
  Speaker 3: Yeah, oh my god, there's some stuff to unpack here.
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 24:51
  Speaker 2: No, because there's somebody in was in my life who
• 24:53
  Speaker 2: was very good with words, very communicative and.
• 24:55
  Speaker 3: Stuff like that, but kind of does that.
• 24:57
  Speaker 2: Mm over explains, Over apologizes over, yeah, and I'm like,
• 25:02
  Speaker 2: oh my god, like I used to be really bad
• 25:04
  Speaker 2: at and I definitely have the tendency to still do that. Yeah, oh,
• 25:09
  Speaker 2: this is uncomfortable.
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: We're going to explore this more.
• 25:12
  Speaker 2: So.
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: We hope you guys enjoyed this episode and learned a bit.
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: I think it's my we all once again, wish this
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: was taught in school. Yeah, wish I was taught this
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: from a young age. I wouldn't have to be figuring
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: this out at age thirty seven. Just curiosity, guys, Yes, curiosity.
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: We love learning. There's always more ways to learn on
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: how to do things better, how to step up, how
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: to have better conversations. That's what we're here for. Yeah,
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: we're here to get uncomfortable, here to trigger ourselves, to
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: keep you guys so that we can show it better.
• 25:35
  Speaker 3: I will be journaling about this later.
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: Definitely. Thanks for joining us, guys. We'll see you on Monday.
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: By bye.