Latest / Empower Your Menopause / Episode 55: Self-Worth Starts Here—Why Prioritising Yourself ISN’T Selfis

Transcript

Episode 55: Self-Worth Starts Here—Why Prioritising Yourself ISN’T Selfis · Empower Your Menopause

• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: Hello and welcome back to Empower Your Menopause, the podcast where we talk about all things health, hormones, and happiness for women over 40.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: We're coaches James and Julie from Fabulous Beyond 40, and we're excited to talk about something that we seem to be hearing a lot lately, and that's women in midlife feeling kind of invisible, tired, underappreciated, and like they've lost a bit of themselves in all the chaos that's going on.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: So today we're going to talk about how menopause can shape your sense of identity and self-worth, and a few things about how to be able to reclaim that.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: And it kind of astonishes me that you know we're still having to advocate for self-care when it comes to women over 14 and advocate for women to actually advocate for themselves.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: So, Julie, why don't you just talk us a little bit about the background to this?
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: Then what's really going on here?
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: Whoa, what's the reason for this?
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: Sure.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you know, I've heard this phrased as or called the identity earthquake, right?
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Because we've got we're at a period of our life where everything seems to be happening all at once.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it coincides with other things like empty nesting, or your kids are teenagers and hormonal, and you're dealing with those years.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it's a time that's very common to have career changes, or women who stayed home to raise their kids and going back to work and having to get back into that lifestyle.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're in that sandwiched part of the generation where you're caregiving for your parents as well as for your kids.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: You're still doing everything else on the household.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, times are changing, technology is advancing, and there are all kinds of different expectations pulling at our time.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: So there is an emotional roller coaster involved in all of this because it's hard to know which direction to go in when you feel like everybody needs everything all at once.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: So it's okay to feel like you're on a little bit of that roller coaster.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of women get diagnosed with depression at this phase of life, and in inappropriately so.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um, a lot of women are the stat that I read was about 33% of women are misdiagnosed with anxiety or depression, when in fact it all has to do with this change in your life as well as the tumultuous change in your hormones and all the things that are going on with your body.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: So it's a natural response to things that are shifting, not only in your life in general, but also with your biology.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, I I remember I remember moving to to Italy and going through this myself.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I not only did I have a big identity shift because I left behind a 25-year career and I didn't know who I was or what I was supposed to do with my time or what I wanted to be when I grew up.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, I I can relate to how that feels like a lot of pressure.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: I should be doing this, I should be doing that.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: And it all catches up with you at some point if you aren't able to sort of step back and address it.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: And one of the things that we find is our sense of self-worth tends to be tied to our family, our children, our careers, or some other role that we play rather than who we actually are.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: So, as all of these things are changing at the same time, defining who we are can be a little bit challenging, or say difficult.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, let's call it the way it is.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: So you're not alone in this.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of women feel this way at this phase of life.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's really common.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's also really misunderstood because, again, society expects us to look like we've got it all together on the outside.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: But, you know, there are not only the societal reasons for this and the emotional reasons for this, but a lot of it is biological in nature.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm gonna hand that wand, pass the wand to you to talk about that part of it.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: Sure.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: Well, the menopause transition from a biological point of view, or at least a hormone point of view, is characterized by one big shift in hormones.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: And that particular shift is in estrogen.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, everything else changes as well.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: Progesterone and follicle stimulating hormone, and as a result of oestrogen changing, though many other things change.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: And it's really the core thing that causes many of the symptoms, many of the challenges that go on.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: So we know things like oestrogen's protective against blood sugar regulation, so it helps with your insulin resistance, it's protective against um sarcopenia, losing muscle mass, it's protective against bone mineral density, but helping protect your bones.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: It's also really, really important when it comes to cognition and emotional regulation, and as a result of that, confidence as well.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: So, you know, it's easy to start thinking that this is rooted in just in self-doubt or some kind of all those changes you're talking about before, but effectively there is a physiological element to it as well that exacerbates any other feelings of lack of worth that a woman might have at this point in life.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: And so that is really sort of like basically from a physiological point of view, what's what's going on.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: But then, you know, it's what what else is feeding into this throughout a woman's life as well, and particularly here in Western countries, you know, in the UK, in America, Australia, New Zealand, Canada, Ireland, and most of Western Europe, you know, the cultural message seems to be that women should just be doing it all, getting on with it, not complaining, not um, and and also aspiring to quite high levels of things like beauty and what they're seeing in adverts and what they're seeing on TV and things like that.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, I've mentioned this before, but you know, every single interview you tend to read with a Hollywood actress tells they complain that there's no real roles for women 50 and above, or no real exciting roles that they can't get their teeth into.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: And so, you know, all this feeds in again and again and again and just exacerbates once again those feelings of lack of self-worth.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: And there's no coincidence that in other cultures in South America, in Japan, in places where the menopause transition is culturally seen as something that's beneficial for a woman, that a woman achieves a certain status, that she has a certain wisdom that she can uh and a certain value that she can then pass it back to society, pass it back to the younger generation.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: It's not a surprise that in those kind of cultures you do have fewer symptoms and more confidence around it.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: So those two things combine, and obviously when you've got a few things playing into this and you've got better cultural messaging around it, then there's a real shift in um in those uh in those cultures about how it's viewed and also how those women actually see themselves as well.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: And then of course things change as we get older, right?
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: As a man or as a woman, things change.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: I was looking at myself in the camera before I was noticing how the uh the lights pick up every single blemish on my skin as I as I get older.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: But those changes for a woman are even more again exacerbated, and that can chip away at things, you know.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: The fact that there is, and this isn't every single woman, but there is a propensity to carry more weight around around the midriff as women get get older.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: There's a propensity to carry more weight in general, as um things like a woman's ability to manage blood sugar balance is challenged again by that drop in drop in oestrogen.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: The sleep challenges that we know about, the the fact that skin challenges come up, the you know, changes in libido and how they view themselves with their partner, and what kind of effects that can have.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: All these things chip away at confidence constantly.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: So it's much more than it's it's like the perfect storm, I guess, of something physiological that's happening, this hormonal change, in particular the change in uh the drop in estrogen levels and and those fluctuations in estrogen levels during perimenopause before the menopause transition actually hits uh and gets full on.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: And then, of course, everything else that's going on around it.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: So, I mean, that's my take on it.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not sure if you've got anything you want to add to that, Julie.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: Well, yes, definitely.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: I, you know, one of the things that we're never taught we're never told is how to navigate these things.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: We're just expected to figure it all out.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: I guess it's like parenthood, right?
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: You have kids and you're just supposed to know what to do.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: But there are parenting classes that you can take, right?
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: And and child development classes that you can take.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: So at least there's some education, but we don't get that when we go into menopause.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: So one of the things that we need to understand is instead of trying to drag along the person we used to be, we being able to acknowledge who we are now, all of the skills and wisdom and experience that we have gained throughout our lives, and being able to kind of grieve and let go of that woman who we used to be, you know, keep the parts of her that you want to carry forward, but understand that it's time to let her go and look to future you and decide who do you want to be in this last one-third to one half of your life?
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: How do you want to live that?
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: Because our body and life is changing, and being able to acknowledge that and spend a little bit of time grieving the loss of you know what you're not carrying along, but appreciating all of the great things that you have and and and are now, the amazing person you've become, that helps you focus a bit more forward.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I mean, life is always going to be changing.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: So being able to embrace that instead of fighting it tooth and nail.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm proud, I may not love every wrinkle and age spot and you know, bag and sag, whatever, gray hair that I've accumulated over time, but those tell the story of a life that's been lived pretty fully.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: So I carry those with pride now instead of judging myself every time I look in the mirror.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: It takes practice.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: So you can rebuild that sense of self-worth, but it has to happen from the inside out.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Unlike the um our culture and the all of this marketing that's thrown at us and all of these external pressures to look a certain way or be a certain size or do certain things.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: Those are all external pressures.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's just noise.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't talk about all of your amazing qualities and who you are as a person.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: So being able to start looking at that from the inside out is what's going to help you rebuild that and not only rebuild it, but make it stronger so that you can be a total badass as you sail into this next period of your life, right?
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: Understanding that you have specific needs, and it's time for you to give to yourself what you give to everyone else because you are worthy of those same things, don't you think?
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: Well, absolutely.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_01: Is one of the things that I'm just gonna take umbrage on one thing that you said, and that is that there is no manual for the menopause.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: There actually is, it's called Club Fabulous Beyond 40 hour membership.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_01: Well, of course.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yes, which does go a long way to saying just about everything that you need to know about the menopause transition and what lifestyle changes you can make, and explains what's going on with your hormones and everything else.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_01: So there is that there as a resource for people, but yes, in the wider world, there is no manual for life in in general, is there?
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: And what we tend to do is we tend to live our life by avoiding what we think of the mistakes that other people have made around us.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_01: That tends to be our best our best guess at what what a life manual could be.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_01: So, like, don't do what your mum and dad did, tends to be parents and one, for instance.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so why don't we talk about some practical tips for how um how women can come to terms more with this?
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_01: You talked about grieving the woman that's gone there.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_01: We do have a tool that is very good, I think, for actually setting a vision for how women are gonna live the next part of their life, and that is our um our mind over menopause mini course with six uh lessons over the course of uh a week.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_01: Or you can watch them, you can you can binge watch them in a couple of hours if you if you want, but we advise that you take it one a day.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_01: That helps you build what we call a menopause vision statement.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_01: The menopause vision statement is just setting down your values and setting your your stall out about where you want to go moving forward.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_01: So that's a really good practical tool for actually saying putting some kind of I guess some parameters and some boundaries around how you want to live the rest of your life so you can build on your self-confidence and your self-efficacy.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_01: But then, of course, what is it that you actually need to feel better and to feel more confident at this time of life?
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I'm gonna take a good stab at a guess that it's movement, nourishment, sleep, stress reduction, you know, and that mindset element as well, which is fed into by all of those things.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_01: So actually tuning into what it what it is that you need, you know.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_01: When we were younger, going and smashing a hit session at the gym and sort of having that massive cortisol spike from that might have been absolutely appropriate.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_01: You know, at a time when a woman's uh stress levels are inherently raised because of all the things we talked about before, that parenting down to the kids, parenting up to the parents, wanting to be perfect in every single way, all those kind of things can feed into stress levels.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_01: And then if you're if you're doing stressful movement on top of that, all you're doing is exacerbating your cortisol levels, so that stress hormone that is gonna um uh challenge uh you from a from a weight perspective, uh constantly in fight or flight, never being able to relax, and then you so you throw a really sort of high-level exercise on top of all that and just make it worse.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_01: So, is there another way to move as you get older?
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_01: And and what does that look like?
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_01: Does it look like a routine that is more about flexibility?
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_01: Does it look like a routine that is more about building strength so you can avoid that lack of muscle lack of muscle mass?
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_01: Is it more about lifting heavy weights so you can protect your bones against the potential onset of osteoporosis?
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_01: Is it that you actually need more and better sleep?
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_01: And what are you actually doing to help you tune into those things if that's what you're what you're looking for?
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_01: So it's become a bit of a hackneyed sort of like idea now, but browsing your mobile phone just before bed is not gonna help you go to sleep.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody knows it, but everybody still does it.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_01: I lose count of the people who tell me to take their phones to bed with them and have it have it beside them.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_01: They don't even pop it across the other side of the room.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_01: And so that's gonna be a challenge, you know.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_01: Not looking at the sleep environment's gonna be gonna be a challenge as well, because yes, sleep is disturbed by hormonal changes, but then you make it worse if you not if you're not layering on bedclothes so you can take things off and put things on as of when you need to, you're making it worse if you're leaving your mobile phone by the bed and there's some kind of electromagnetic radiation pinging out all the time, or you're uh taking all that blue light before you go to bed.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_01: So tuning into those needs, what is it that you actually need is really, really important, I think, and figuring out what it is, experimenting and working on and finding out what works for you because everybody's challenges will be different.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_01: Some people will absolutely fail through the menopause transition, some people will have an absolutely terrible one.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_01: But I suppose the key thing to think remember is that there are always ways that you can affect what that's gonna be be like.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't mean it's always gonna be easy, but it does mean that you can affect it.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_01: So I know you like talking about redefining success.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_01: Why don't you take us through that this mantra of progress over perfection?
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: Sure, absolutely.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, you know, just one comment about the phone.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: We are all addicted to our phones.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: Um, that's just the way it is these days.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: But I can tell I can tell you, whoever's listening, without exception, every client we've worked with who has taken that leap, difficult or easy as it was for them, depending on their level of attachment, without exception, every client and myself who has been able to leave the phone across the room or in another room altogether has mentioned how much better their sleep got.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: And that is that's just because it's the way our brains work.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, talking about progress over perfection, why not be curious and try it for a week and see how you feel?
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um, what is it gonna cost you?
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: And if you use your phone as an alarm clock, you can put it in another in another room where you'll still hear it, right?
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um, just turn the volume up.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but but as far as progress over perfection, you know, none of this is is about taking major steps, right?
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's about being curious.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: Curiosity takes away the ability to be afraid.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you're curious about something, curiosity and fear cannot live in your body at the same time.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so so it helps you stop worrying about is this, am I doing this right?
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: Is it, you know, what's gonna happen?
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe take, we've talked about a number of different things, maybe focus on one particular area, take one tiny step and decide what does success look like for you?
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: Is it going from four hours of sleep a night to four and a half hours of sleep?
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: That's great.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: That would be amazing progress.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you can work your way up in increments to whatever it is you're you're aiming for.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: If you're not working out and you want to start doing some kind of movement, maybe aim for 15 minutes a day or 15 minutes three days a week to start, and then add on from there as you start to feel better and as your body adjusts, because those things will happen.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_00: And the great thing about the great thing about motivation is that it comes after you take those action steps.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: Because I so many people say, I just can't stay motivated, I just can't, I can't get motivated to do these things.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_00: But you what you'll find is when you start taking action, and that's where these little tiny steps so that you make some kind of progress, when you start to take action, you'll notice that you're you're feeling better, you know, you'll notice that things are changing, and you'll feel much more motivated to keep going with it.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_00: So that's why we um talk so much about taking one tiny step at a time.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: The time's gonna go by anyway.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_00: So instead of trying to do everything all at once and stopping after a couple of days or a week, if you take one small step, you know, as they say, how do you eat an elephant, right?
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_00: One bite at a time.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: And and that's exactly how you do this.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: So that way you can gauge your progress.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: The other thing is defining what success looks like for you.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of times we get these vague things like, I want to sleep better.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: Well, what does that mean?
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: What does that look like?
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: Be more specific.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_00: I want to, I want to be able to sleep seven hours a night.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_00: Fabulous.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: That's a goal to work toward.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_00: How can you take one step toward that today?
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: Can you go to bed 15 minutes earlier?
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: Can you put your phone away 30 or 60 minutes before bed and just start practicing that?
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I want to lose weight.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_00: Well, what does that mean?
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because really, weight loss is a side effect of doing other healthy things for our body.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_00: If you start strength training, you may notice that your weight doesn't change very much.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_00: It might even go up.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_00: But your your measurements and the tone and the look of your body is going to change dramatically over time.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and that to me is much more important than uh a number on the scale, which only shows you your relationship with gravity in that moment.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: I would rather weigh 10 pounds more and be trim and fit and strong than to worry about what the number on the scale is, um, you know, just to try to fit into my clothes.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_00: This whole idea of weight loss has become a really um What do I say?
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_00: Very negative thing, we put too much pressure on ourselves for something we really don't have control over.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_00: You can improve your health without seeing change in the number on the scale.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_00: So that's that's my take on success.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_01: It's interesting, isn't it?
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_01: The whole just to focus on that using weight loss as a measure of success.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_01: It's fully understandable why that happens.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_01: That's what we've been conditioned to think about for years and years and years.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I've lost a pound, it's been a successful day.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I put two pounds on, it's not been a successful day.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_01: It's little wonder that that plays into people's fears.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but as you say, there's a certain irrationality about it because it is just gravity.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_01: That's all the the scale is is showing you.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_01: It shows nothing about what's going on internally, it shows nothing about what's going on in your head, it shows nothing about what's going on in your heart.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_01: And so I suppose one of the things here is when we talk about redefining success is looking at more parameters of success as well.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_01: So rather than just what's happened with weight, do your clothes fit a little bit better?
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_01: Do you feel a little bit more confident?
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_01: Can you see some toning in your arms?
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_01: You know, can you jump on uh a scale that does body fat and see if your body composition has changed?
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_01: Has your muscle increased and has your your fat mass gone down?
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not saying never look at weight itself, but looking at a wider range of measures of success is a much gives you more things to focus on and feel positive about rather than just this one thing that, as you said, you can't do uh a lot about, really.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, we've had clients who've done, you know, and I say in air quotes, all the right things, right?
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_00: Their diet is really good, they're they're um they're exercising or or working out regularly, and they're not seeing much much change um on the scale, but they sleep better, their moods are better, right?
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_00: Their blood markers are improving.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_00: So it really is important to define what that what that looks like for you.
• 24:18
  unknown: Yeah.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_01: And then I suppose choosing what you do is another big thing.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't know, this is not just about your own self-care, but choosing what you say yes to as well.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_01: We often forget that, and I know you say this many times, and I'm stealing your your line here, but no is a complete sentence, right?
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you don't have to say yes to everything.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_01: And that comes from that societal pressure again, I believe, whereby the pressure is there to show up at any particular time.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_01: So you know somebody's um uh somebody can't make the school lift this week, so you uh volunteer to do it.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_01: There's a position going on the on the PA uh on the um the PTA, sorry, and you you choose to sign up for that.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_01: You know, there are things that you can actually look at, rationalise, and just take the time to think about whether it is actually for you or not, rather than just jumping in and saying yes straight away, because then you're choosing to do things that you feel are aligned with you, and that can come back to that menopause vision statement that I talked about before, rather than feeling as though you're actually obligated to doing something which you just jumped in and then said yes.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_01: And as soon as obligation becomes part of it, then resentment also feeds into that as well, which further feeds into negative self self-thought.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_01: So being able to say no when you feel as though no is the right thing to say is a really good way of building your own self-efficacy when it comes to to your to your mental health and your self-care.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, absolutely.
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_00: And there's there's a lot of emotion involved here.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_00: We understand that.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_00: And the whole thing about saying no to things that don't serve you, it does take some reflection and it takes some adjustment because if you're not used to saying no, it can be a difficult thing.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_00: No, thank you is a perfectly acceptable answer.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um, if you want to talk about some ways to say no, we can we can help you with that.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, you don't you you don't need to be, there's no should here about being productive or or bouncing back during this phase of life.
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_00: You get to redefine what that's going to look like based on your needs and your goals.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_00: And that menopause vision statement in mind over menopause is a really great place to start because how often do we step back and reflect on these things?
• 26:50
  SPEAKER_00: Not very, because we're so caught up in the busyness of everyday life that sometimes we just go through the motions.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_00: And when you're overcommitting to things that don't serve you, you're living out of alignment with your values, that resentment can creep in.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_00: We're already sort of rewiring our brain.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_00: And when that negative self-talk is there, we might feel shame because we feel like we should want to do these things, and we feel obligated and we feel frustrated because we're not able to find the time or make the time to do the things we really want to be doing.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_00: And all kinds of emotions can play into that.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_00: And people outside of your inner world are going to continue to put pressure on you until you can draw those boundaries and say no and start valuing your time and your energy because it is it is a limited resource and there is a cost.
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_00: So if you were going to buy something at the store, you would decide: is this worth the money I have to spend?
• 27:55
  SPEAKER_00: And it's a good way to look at your time and energy as well.
• 27:58
  SPEAKER_00: Is this worth the emotional cost?
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_00: Is this worth the cost of time that I would rather be giving to my own self-preservation and my own um self-care?
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because when you can turn some of that energy and time back toward yourself, then you have much more energy and much more space available for the other things that are asked of you, and you get to choose which ones you want to do.
• 28:28
  SPEAKER_00: So again, it's and especially because if you've come up through time with a similar group of people or the community, and they have all these expectations of you because it's the way you've always been, it may take some time for you to realize that things are not as they once were.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_00: I don't need to keep doing those same things.
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I can set new expectations, I can ask for support, I can ask for more space because you have every right to do that.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_00: We want to honor you, you want to honor yourself, we want to honor you as you are today, not who you used to be or not who you think you're supposed to be, but who you actually are, because who you are is amazing.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_00: So that's my two cents about that.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so if you're nodding along and you're wondering where to start, aside from uh Mind of the Menopause, our mini course, which of course is something that you do on your own, it's self-guided.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_01: Um, our menopause impact assessment call might be just a thing that can help you out.
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_01: It's not therapy, it's not guesswork.
• 29:33
  SPEAKER_01: It's a 45-minute expert coaching session with either one of us.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_01: You can choose which one you want to work with.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_01: We'll help you with use a validated assessment tool to give you an impact score for the impact that menopause is having your life on your life.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_01: It will also show some of the areas where you might want to start focusing on.
• 29:53
  SPEAKER_01: We'll then talk to you about how you can move forward.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_01: So the first thing that we do there as part of the core is to focus on your goals.
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_01: So we help you create a defined goal where you want to be in six months or a year's time.
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_01: And we look at what's working for you from a positive point of view, and we look at what's holding you back, and that's where we step in and give you some tips to move forward.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_01: Overall, then you're gonna get the start of a journey, a scored start of the journey.
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_01: In fact, you'll get a goal so you'll know what the end of the journey is, and you have a better idea of what's gonna get you from A to B.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so it will give you a plan that you can actually put into action and expert support from myself or Julie.
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_01: So if you want to join us for one of those calls, the URL is impact.fabulousbeyond40.com and you can find that in the show notes below.
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_01: Julie.
• 30:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 30:41
  SPEAKER_00: So I think we'll wrap it up by just saying you are not selfish for wanting more.
• 30:47
  SPEAKER_00: You're human and you deserve to feel good in your own skin, in your own life, in your own body.
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_00: And uh we hope that you've taken away some tips that will help you move forward.
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_00: We'd love to see you in one of the menopause um impact assessment calls.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_00: We're here for you.
• 31:05
  SPEAKER_00: Next week, we're going to be back with something I think you'll really love, which is the great sugar debate, because that's a topic that comes up pretty regularly.
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_00: So thanks for joining us today.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_00: And uh we're coaches James and Julie of Fabulous Beyond 40, reminding you to stay strong and stay fabulous, and then we're gonna be able