Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / When You Keep Thinking About An Ex

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When You Keep Thinking About An Ex · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:06
  Hi everybody and welcome. To the doctor.
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  Psych Mom show. Today we're going to talk about
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  when you keep thinking about an. Ex.
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  Which is something that is really common.
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  People have written into my blog about it and say I'm married.
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  But I keep fantasizing about my ex.
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  I keep having dreams about my ex, blah blah.
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  So a very common thing and before we get to that, please do
• 0:27
  subscribe my most recent subscriber.
• 0:30
  Episode was on why all your wife's friends also have bad sex
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  lives and she's not just making that shit up to troll you.
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  It is accurate from her perspective and here's why.
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  And the next one will also be a subscriber episode, I am sure
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  don't know what it is yet. I have to see which way the wind
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  blows me that morning and then I will do something.
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  Wonderful. I'm sure something just
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  transcendental. OK, so why do people think about
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  exes? Well, here's the number one,
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  which of course you're hoping. I don't say, but it's because
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  you're not happy. I mean, it's because you're not
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  happy in some aspect of your marriage.
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  And while your ex may not be perfect and that's why he's an
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  ex or she's an ex. They represent something that
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  your spouse does not give you. So, for example, women who are
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  married to less emotional men dream and think about more
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  emotional exes, the guy who is really romantic.
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  Men who are in low sex marriages certainly think about and quote
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  but think in quotes. They just think they they they
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  also fantasize about the earlier experiences in their life with
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  exes who had been more sexually open and adventurous.
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  This just makes sense. So the number one thing to think
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  about if your ex is on your mind all the time is what do they
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  represent that you're not getting from your relationship?
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  And then how can you work on that in your relationship, if
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  possible, right? So if you end up with a better
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  sex life with your wife, you fantasize less about your sex
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  with your ex. I mean, you just do.
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  That's just the truth. And people are very.
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  You know, responsive to changes. So if if for example, a woman
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  was with her husband and he's like such a low romance guy and
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  it's just like so awful to her, every holiday comes and he just
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  kind of doesn't even do anything and he isn't really a big
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  talker. And if that guy in couples
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  counseling learns to be more romantic and get her flowers and
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  write her cards and all that shit that I get up guys asses to
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  do for their wives when they're in couples counseling with me,
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  then frequently she's happier. You know, she stops thinking
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  about the ex and she goes. Back to thinking about the X
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  objectively. Like, Oh yeah, he was really
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  romantic. But yeah, he was also, like,
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  unemployed. Oh yeah, yeah, that part
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  wouldn't be fun, you know? And he did have a drug problem.
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  Yep, that's true. And so she goes back to thinking
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  about him like that and the guys because.
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  You know, like the the hotter, sexier women that are crazy in
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  bed are also crazy out of bed. And they go back to remembering
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  that too. You know, if they were to be
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  working on their sex life more with their wife, then you know,
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  they're like, Oh yeah, she acted like a porn star in bed.
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  And you know, like she she like was like, I remember, you know,
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  she told me she did have that history of getting paid for
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  sexy. I wouldn't have liked that you
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  know, thing. Also like she lit my stuff on
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  fire that one time when she was upset with me.
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  So you know, etc. So.
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  People start to see their exes much more objectively if they
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  work on the marriage. What else could it mean that
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  you're thinking about your ex all the time?
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  Well, the most likely culprit, if it is not that you are openly
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  dissatisfied with your marriage or covertly dissatisfied with
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  your marriage, is that you yearn for that time in your life.
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  You have a lot of nostalgia for that time in your life.
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  That was the last time that you felt really young and carefree
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  usually, and therefore you know that's a time that you wish was
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  back. And while you love your
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  children, and everybody loves their children, etcetera, you
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  know, then you just wish that you were 25 again or whatever,
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  30 or 19 or whatever the case may be When you're feeling
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  particularly trapped and like life is drudgery, which is just
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  sometimes part of life at different stages, then you can
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  find yourself fantasizing about times where your friend felt
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  free and liberated and like you didn't have a care in the world
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  and whoever you were with at that.
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  Time is what you're going to think about.
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  You're just going to think about that person because they were
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  there with you during that time. What is there to do about that?
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  I mean, you could work on, like, how your life is structured.
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  You could work on why you are so currently kind of dissatisfied.
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  And is there anything that you could do to make yourself feel
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  less trapped and less? Kind.
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  Of, you know, bored and and what have you.
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  You know, because you don't want to necessarily just pin it on
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  your relationship. You know, there's a lot of
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  women, for example, that, you know, have new babies and they
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  feel completely tied to the baby.
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  And that's great in one-on-one hand, but on the other hand,
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  it's super hard. And so they start dreaming about
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  their ex from college when all they had to do was like get up
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  and go to class sometimes, you know, and they weren't tethered
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  to another being that they have to keep alive.
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  That's totally understandable, obviously, based on where those
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  women are in their lives. You know, and men, think about
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  it too. Oh, I remember my ex from, you
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  know, before I even had to get up and go to work all the time,
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  you know, and that person takes on this like.
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  Fantasy rarefied air. You know of greatness because
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  that was a great time, at least compared to the current time.
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  People that tend to have like a lot of nostalgia for the past,
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  you know, This goes along with being a highly sensitive person
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  and also being kind of a depressive person.
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  You know, because this isn't really a good thing usually, to
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  have, like, excessive, like, you know, like thoughts about how
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  great it used to be compared to now, romantic nostalgia, you
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  know, unsurprisingly, about your current partner, is linked to
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  increased marital satisfaction and research.
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  So, for example, thinking, oh, it was so great at the beginning
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  when we dated. Oh, do you remember, you know,
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  the first trip that we took? Oh, do you remember when our
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  kids were this age? That kind of stuff makes people
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  feel closer. It's done with the.
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  Parent partner, though. So when you're constantly having
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  romantic nostalgia about other people and about other
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  iterations of yourself and like, it's always you're like doing
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  downward comparisons, that usually comes from hearing the
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  same kind of thing done when you were growing up.
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  So a lot of parents have these, like depressive parents have
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  these super wistful stories that particularly highly sensitive
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  kids respond to very poorly. They feel so bad for the parent.
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  All of the parents stories are about how great things used to
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  be like in comparison to now. And the kid just feels like,
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  kind of like shit all the time for the parent, feels like me.
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  The parent shouldn't even have had kids or got married.
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  And they feel so bad for the younger version of the parent
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  who like then turned into this like sad, you know, person.
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  And this is very, very common when a parent is depressed and
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  they don't have good boundaries, you know, So they're talking and
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  confiding and in particularly the oldest child or the only
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  child, whoever the confidant is or the child that shares their
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  gender. They're like talking over and
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  over about how good things used to be.
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  If you grew up in that kind of environment, you may not even
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  have made the connection till this minute.
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  But if you grew up hearing a lot of stories like that, then it it
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  predisposes you to do the same kind of thing and to, you know,
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  engage too much and thinking about the highlight reel of your
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  own life. You're likely in this generation
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  do not share those musings with your child, but they're still
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  there in the back of your head. And therapy can really help
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  because. If you grew up like that, then
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  that's probably why you're doing it now.
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  And then the ex that was there at the time turns into this, you
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  know, pinnacle of who you want to be with, even though, like
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  they were probably really fucking annoying.
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  And that brings me to the next point, which is they are just a
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  person, as I say to guys all the time.
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  Like the girl who is having crazy sex with you in college is
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  not giving blowjobs like 3 * a week to her now husband.
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  You know, she's just really not. Like she has her own kids.
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  Like look her up, you know, like she's just a regular middle-aged
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  woman now and I'm sure she has a little more sex than your wife
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  does. But you know what?
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  It wouldn't move the needle. And for you had you married her
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  and there were downsides to her and you know, do not put this
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  person on a pedestal. And I say to women too, don't
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  put that guy on a pedestal because he's just some dude now.
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  And do you remember like how he used to act like kind of
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  annoying and self involved or like whatever, whatever.
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  Well he's doing that shit now and some woman is sick of it.
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  Now, I always pride myself on being honest with you guys, not
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  just blowing smoke up your asses.
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  So are there cases when in fact you are thinking about your ex
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  because you ought to be with your ex?
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  Well, I mean, yeah, people do tell me these stories.
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  You know, there's people who get back with their ex.
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  There's people who reconnect with their ex and have an affair
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  with them and then happily remarry them and believe that
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  they always should have been with that person.
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  I have clients whose parents have done shit like that.
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  You know, like they, they re met their high school sweetheart and
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  then they got married happily and lived happily ever after.
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  Sometimes it's after they were divorced or widowed, but
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  sometimes it's when they were still married.
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  You know, and only you know if this is the case, but you would
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  really, really owe it to yourself, your family, and your
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  current partner to explore the shit out of that.
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  You know, to the point that you're like boring yourself in
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  therapy to see if your ex is really somebody who you who is
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  like you know, the person you never should have broken up
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  with. And I mean, then your story will
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  be a little different, right? Your story will be something
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  like. He went away to the military and
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  I got pregnant with another man's baby.
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  You know, like some shit like that versus like, yeah, we
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  consistently had really big fights because our personalities
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  clashed, but we did have good sex.
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  And that's why I think that we would be a good match now.
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  No, no, no, no, That wouldn't be smart, you know, But if it is
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  kind of this, like, situation where parents didn't let you
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  date or like, you know, this crazy thing where you you were
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  totally fine until, like, you know, external circumstances
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  tore you apart. Hard.
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  It's really hard to convince people in that case that it
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  wouldn't have been better with this X, you know?
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  And sometimes they leave for the X, sometimes they do.
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  And is that always a bad decision?
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  It's the individual person and certainly, you know, not really
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  nice to your current partner. But, you know, there's
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  situations where it is kind of funny, you know, because if you
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  think about it, everybody's like, Oh yeah, you should
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  definitely divorce if you're not in love.
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  You know, but then the minute that you say you're not in love
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  because you're in love with this dude for like, you know, 20
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  years ago or something, everybody's like, oh, you know,
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  you're such a terrible person. Is it really any different?
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  I mean, I don't know if it's really very different.
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  The difference would be if you start sleeping with the person
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  you know, don't start sleeping with anybody while you're
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  married. I mean, I just talked about
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  infidelity in my prior podcast. So, I mean, I do not think that
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  that is a good idea, but if people are constantly comparing
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  a better relationship with an. Next, who they know is currently
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  available. Then.
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  I mean, really, it's anybody's guess kind of what to do,
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  whether they should stay in their marriage or not.
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  Many people are just not in love with their partner, you know?
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  And and some, a small subset of those people, it's because
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  they're in love with somebody else.
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  A larger subset it's because they never saw a loving
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  marriage. And that's the kind of people
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  that I'm talking to in this podcast frequently are people
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  who saw dysfunctional relationships growing up and
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  then they're taking them forward into their current relationship
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  and thus it's difficult for them to truly be in love.
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  Etc. Etc.
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  But some of those people are rare subset small subset truly
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  did get along quite a lot better with an X, never realized it,
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  etc. So in that.
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  Place of being in that place, it's hard to know really what to
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  do and that and I've actually worked with loads of people in
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  this situation over the years because it is a very difficult
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  situation to figure out on your own.
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  So therapy would definitely be something that I would
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  recommend, probably more than usual.
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  Because you can't just go to like your friends and be like,
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  you know what, I'm still thinking about my ex because
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  they have to hang out with your current partner at like,
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  barbecues and stuff. So it's fucking things,
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  humiliating, It's confusing, you know?
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  So this is the sort of situation where you maybe want to get an
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  outside perspective. But are there any other reasons
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  that people fantasize about exes?
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  Well, I mean, for many people that was your only other sexual
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  partner pretty much had like only a few.
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  Average is 4 point something for women and six point something
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  sexual partners for men. So if you're ovulating or if
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  you're like you know, turned on, that's like in your mental, you
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  know, list. So I mean, you don't have to
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  take it for more than that. Like, it's just literally
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  something that you remember, You remember having sex with this
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  person. Also, this I would be remiss if
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  I did not add that sometimes your ex was just better in bed,
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  you know? So if you're having sex dreams
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  about your ex because they're better in bed, then why don't
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  you try to teach some of that shit to your current partner?
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  A lot of people, it's just like they they view their partner's
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  sexual experience like the weather.
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  It's like, oh is. It sunny today.
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  Is it raining today? I guess I'll take an umbrella.
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  Nothing I can do. There is something you could do.
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  You could teach your partner how to be better in bed.
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  I talk about this all the time. I have a podcast like.
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  Make yourself open to sexual feedback from your wife.
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  Or like, don't fake orgasms. Or, you know, like how to, you
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  know, female arousal. I have ones where I try to
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  directly teach you stuff to do instead.
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  Oral sex on women. Oral sex on men.
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  You know, I mean you can you can teach your partner to be better.
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  If really the whole deal is that your ex was literally just
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  better in bed, then don't let the don't let it die on the vine
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  with your current partner because you just view them as
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  just worse. Like they can learn just like
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  they learn other things. Will they ever be like a total
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  natural like your ex? Well, maybe your ex wasn't a
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  total natural either, but you just had the hormones, you know,
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  of a young fertile mammal and you were like ready to screw
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  anything and so you just kind of imprinted it on.
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  Or Ex's sexual style, like a duckling and, you know, in
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  prints on whatever it sees walking.
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  Like, you know those funny videos where it sees like a toy
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  train and then there's all these ducklings walking after that.
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  But you know, that's like what a lot of people do is their first
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  they they think that they quote like certain sexual things, like
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  out of the ether, but in reality they just got used to what their
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  first partner did. You know, and when you think
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  about it like that, that it's a learned behavior, then it's a
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  hell of a lot easier to understand why you should train
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  your current partner, and that it is in fact possible to train
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  a partner to be different in bed.
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  Because, look, you learn to like what you learn to like because
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  of your early experiences, not because of anything
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  transcendental you know about that person.
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  You know, and that that is the truth.
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  So I mean that in and of itself is worth the price of admission
• 14:56
  of this free podcast to get that that info, which is a different
• 15:00
  way to look at it that helps a lot of people.
• 15:02
  All right, so I hope that you guys found this very
• 15:05
  fascinating. As usual, please do subscribe to
• 15:07
  get over 128 subscriber episodes, I think, and do join
• 15:11
  the Facebook group, which is a really fun place where a lot of
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  smart and funny people like to talk about topics related to my
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  podcast. Relationships, sex, career,
• 15:22
  parenting, marriage, divorce, whatever.
• 15:25
  All right, great. Have a great day, guys.
• 15:27
  Talk to you soon.