Latest / Internal Insights / Choosing Yourself Is Not Selfish: It Makes You More Generous
Transcript
- Ted Thao: Welcome to Internal Insights, a quick, honest conversation about mental health in about five minutes or less. I'm your host Ted Thao, a licensed professional counselor, and the owner of Internal Insights Therapy in San Antonio, Texas. Every episode, we take one idea from therapy, trauma, anxiety, relationships, identity, and talk about it plainly. No jargon, no fluff, just something real. Let's get into it. There's a version of this that probably sounds familiar. You finally said no to something. Maybe it's staying out late. Maybe it's a family obligation you've been quietly dreading for weeks. Maybe it's just an evening you decided to keep for yourself. And almost immediately a voice shows up. Selfish. That's the word it likes to use. And I want to challenge that word a little today. Because I think it gets used on people who are actually doing something pretty generous. Here's the thing about choosing yourself it's rarely contained to just you. When someone is running on empty, resentful, stretched too thin, it shows up in a way they treat the people around them. Not because they're bad people. But because there's nothing left to give, patience runs out, warf goes next, and the people closest to them, partners, friends, co-workers, kids, end up getting whatever is left over, which usu usually isn't much. So when someone finally starts saying no to things that are draining them or carving out time to rest. Or setting a limit on how much that I'll absorb from other people's stress that's not withdrawal from people they love. That's usually the thing that lets them show up better for those same people. A parent who protects an hour to decompress after work is often a more calm and present parent that evening. A friend who says they can't take on one more crisis this week is often A more genuine friend the next time they can handle a crisis. Choosing yourself, done well, tends to ripple outwardly. It just doesn't look dramatic while it's happening, which is probably why it gets mistaken for selfishness in the first place. I think a part of the confusion comes down from how we were taught to measure love and loyalty. A lot of us grew up learning that the more you sacrifice, the more it proves you care. Especially in families where showing up meant showing up no matter the cost to yourself. So when someone starts drawing a line, it can feel like they're breaking that rule. Even if that rule was never sustainable to begin with. This is usually the point where someone starts to wonder something out loud. And it's a version of this. If I keep choosing myself, doesn't that make me selfish? Even if I don't mean it that way? And I usually like to answer it like this. Selfishness, the way most of us actually mean it, is taking from others in a way that costs them something, without much thought for what it does to them. Choosing yourself is different. You're not taking anything from anyone. You're refusing to keep giving from a place that's already empty. Those are not the same behavior. Even though they can look similar from the outside. Especially to someone who's used to never saying no. Or used to you never saying no to them. There's also this. A lot of what looks like selfishness is actually just quiet depletion. Someone keeps giving and giving because stopping feels wrong, and eventually there's nothing underneath but exhaustion. That's not sustainable generosity. That's just running on fumes and calling it virtue. Real generosity? The kind that last usually needs a person who has something left in the tank. And you only get that by choosing yourself sometimes. So if you're in a season where you're finally saying no to a few things or protecting some time or taking a step back from the role you've outgrown, I don't think that makes you selfish. I think it might be one of the most generous things you can do, both for yourself. And for the people who are going to get a more rested, more present version of you because of it. One thing to sit on. Next time you feel that flicker of guilt for choosing yourself, ask yourself what you're actually protecting by doing it. And who knows, you might be protecting maybe the thing that brings you closer to the people in your life. That's it for this episode of Internal Insights. If this gave you something to sit with, or just made you feel a little less alone, that's the whole point. This isn't a replacement for therapy, but if you're looking for support, you can find me at Internal Insights Therapy in San Antonio, Texas. Thank you for spending five minutes or less with me. I'll see you next time.