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"What's Going Right?" A New Way to Think About Mental Health · To Your Good Health

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David Friedman, BS: Hello, this is Dr.
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David Friedman, host of To Your Good Health Radio.
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Over sixty-one million Americans are living with a mental health condition.
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Anxiety in young adults has surged nearly a hundred and forty percent
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since two thousand and ten.
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And yet we have more therapists, apps, self-help books, and mental health
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awareness campaigns than ever in history.
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So why are the numbers still going in the wrong direction?
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What if the most powerful thing you could do for your mental health isn't obsessing
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over everything that's going wrong, but simply asking, "What's going right?"
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This paradigm shift is backed by neuroscience, decades of clinical
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practice, and one of the most talked about psychiatric frameworks of our time.
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Joining us is Dr.
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Paul Conti.
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He's worked with some of the most well-known people on the planet,
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and what they all have in common isn't their fame or fortune.
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It's losing touch with the fundamental human drive that once
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rediscovered, opened the door to peace, purpose, creativity, and joy.
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Stay tuned.
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This episode can literally change your mind, and it all starts now
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Our next guest is a psychiatrist, author, and founder of Pacific Premier
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Group, a comprehensive mental health practice serving clients across the
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United States and internationally.
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He trained at Stanford University School of Medicine and completed his
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psychiatric residency at Harvard, where he was appointed chief resident.
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He later served on the faculty at Harvard before founding his own clinic.
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His trauma work has earned him devoted followers, including Lady
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Gaga, Kim Kardashian, Arianna Huffington, and Mel Robbins.
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His four-part series on the Huberman, Lab podcast became one of the
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most talked about mental health conversations on the internet.
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His book is called What's Going Right: A Powerful New Method for
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Optimizing Your Mental Health.
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Welcome to the show, Dr.
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Paul Conti
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Paul Conti, MD: Thank you for having me, and thank you for that kind introduction
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David Friedman, BS: Yeah.
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So great for you joining.
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You know, the mental health crisis numbers is staggering, and your
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whole approach flips the script.
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Instead of focusing on what's broken, you're asking what's going right.
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Explain what that entails
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Paul Conti, MD: The way that we get to identifying and fixing the
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problems i-in our lives is coming from a position of strength.
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So there's way more going right in everyone who would be listening to
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this than there is not going right.
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And if we approach ourselves in that way, then we're not
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afraid of our mental health.
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It's not a black box that scares us.
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and that is often our approach.
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working within a mental health system that is looking to make diagnoses,
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to just say, "What is wrong?"
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it doesn't give us a mechanism of understanding, and it's scary, right?
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It leads us to turn the other way instead of saying, like we do with
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our physical health, "Hey, there are routes here to understanding, and I
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can build good mental health just like I'm building good physical health."
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So what's going right isn't telling us to ignore our problems or
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to look away from our problems.
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It's saying the way that we get to them is by, by looking at our whole selves, a
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perspective of the whole person, what's going on in that person's life, what
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their story is, how things have developed to this point, what their strengths are,
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and now we can look at, okay, what does that person want or need to be different?
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It's an empowered perspective that comes from information
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and practical routes to change
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David Friedman, BS: Yeah, I know you described three internal drives
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that shape pretty much everything, how we think, feel, and do.
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one is the assertion drive, the pleasure drive, and the generation drive.
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Can you briefly break down those down for us?
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Paul Conti, MD: humans have historically been thought to have two drives.
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So innate to every human is assertion, or sometimes called aggression,
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and the search for pleasure.
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So, so assertion or aggression and pleasure are in us, and it's been
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thought or accepted that, those are the two things that are innate in us.
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But that doesn't explain how we can work together in groups
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to create beyond ourselves.
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It doesn't explain altruism.
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It doesn't explain doing good things in the world or wanting there to be
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good things in the world just because like we, we know that's better, and
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we have a care and concern outside of ourselves and for the future of
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other people and also of the planet.
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There's so much more than just assertion and pleasure, and
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that's the generative drive in us.
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It's not only kept our species alive, but it's the best of
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us as human beings, right?
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It's the best of humanness to create, to be able to see and
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envision beyond ourselves.
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And when we're living lives that, that are lived through the lens of the generative
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drive, then we can look at ourselves.
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We can bring our mental health into a healthy and stable place
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where we have a strong foundation, and we're living our lives in
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ways that help us to stay healthy.
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So for example, we're not just, asserting ourselves more.
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If I can control the world around me more, like that'll be better,
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and that'll make me happier.
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And we can, for example, try to control too much, too much assertion, right?
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In ways that aren't bringing gratification or aren't doing good in our lives.
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So if we're governed by the generative drive, right, this is what helps us
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stay healthy, and this is what is true of humans when humans find happiness.
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So there's enough data and studies and clinical experience to tell us
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what's going on in people when they're, when they've found happiness or
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they're aging and feeling good about themselves through the life cycles.
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And it all comes back to being anchored to the best of our humanness, to
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being able to see beyond ourselves.
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And this is really the opposite of a mental health system that wants to
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just give us numbers, say what's wrong with us, and then polish the hood.
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You know, throw medicine at something.
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Sometimes medicines are important, they're needed, but it has to come--
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any help to us has to come through understanding, and it's got to start
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with understanding what's true about us and what's best about us as human
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beings, and that's the generative drive
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David Friedman, BS: Yeah.
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I'm curious what happens when our drives fall out of balance and how do
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people usually misread those signs?
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Paul Conti, MD: But when our drives fall out of balance, there's
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something-- there will be some negative, there will be some consequence
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if our drives are out of balance.
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So for example, too much assertion, it leads to trying to overcontrol,
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and that leads to frustration and disappointment, and we never get out of
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overcontrolling what we hope to, right?
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And it creates a lot of interpersonal conflict.
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So just one, one example.
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Same thing with too little assertion.
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So learned helplessness, for an example, where a person isn't even trying
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anymore to, to make things better within their family unit or to find
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a better job or to find a romantic partner, where the person's just not
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asserting themselves because they don't feel that any good can come of it.
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So as you can see, our drives for assertion and pleasure
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can get out of balance.
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Too much pleasure-seeking, and we're just looking for something
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to, to make-- to give us relief from suffering in the moment, for example.
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Too little pleasure drive, and we don't even feel that there-- that
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anything good can come in our lives.
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You can see how we can get out of balance, and that can, for example,
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push towards depression, right?
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Or it could push towards substance abuse because we want some relief in the moment.
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So, so if we look at ourselves, the foundational aspects of our mental health,
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there's a structure of self and a function of self, just like there's a structure
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of our bodies and a function of our body.
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So if we-- if we're looking at the foundational elements of our mental health
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and we're looking at how our drives may be out of balance, which really means
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we just need more generative drive.
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More is always better with the best of our humanness.
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So if assertion and pleasure are out of balance or our foundational elements
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of mental health are out of balance, the answer is always comes through
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the lens of the generative drive.
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But we have to understand how we're out of balance and what's the, the route
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to bringing things back into balance.
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So yes, there's theory here, but, the idea isn't that it
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gets-- this gets more esoteric.
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What I'm trying to do is, to anchor to a simple goodness that is true of
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all of us and to anchor to that simple goodness in a way that, that says to
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people, "You can understand yourself.
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You don't have to be afraid of your mental health, and you can see what's out of
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balance or what's not the way it needs to be," whether it's in your drives or in,
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for example, the structure of yourself.
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We can figure that out, and then we can figure out how to change it.
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So we don't have to be afraid of our mental health.
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Like we're generally not afraid of our physical health, right?
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There's a whole wellness industry.
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We wanna build good physical health.
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We need to, and we can do the same with our mental health
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David Friedman, BS: Yeah.
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I'm curious, have you seen like A-type workaholics that maybe do the assertion
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and they skip the pleasure drive and go right to, generation because, they're
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just work, work, work and no play?
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can that be an out of balance issue?
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Paul Conti, MD: Sure.
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the idea there that that person would not be-- the generative drive
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would not be governing, right?
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So in, in the example you described, the assertion drive is governing.
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There's too much assertion.
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I'll control more, have more success, I'll make more money, whatever it may be.
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I'll do that, and I'll feel better.
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But they're finding there's too much assertion and too little pleasure, right?
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So maybe that person then needs to do less, right?
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It would be more generative, for example, to say do less, right?
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That's achievement-oriented because the person's already achieving at a
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high level, and they may need more time to just, for example, be with people
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they love or more time to take care of themselves physically to get enough rest.
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the answer isn't always doing more, right?
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And doing more isn't always generative, right?
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So, so if your generative drive is governing and you're not doing enough,
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right, then that will help you do more.
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If your generative drive is governing and you're asserting yourself too
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much and trying to control too much, that will help you then do less.
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So it's the best of our humanness, the generative drive, that helps
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us to see how might I be out of balance and how do I bring myself
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into balance and then stay there
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David Friedman, BS: That's interesting.
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I know self-inquiry is essential to your work, but unfortunately,
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looking inward can k- kind of be uncomfortable for most people.
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How can we approach this process with curiosity instead of dread?
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Paul Conti, MD: So I think by being empowered, we're afraid
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of things we don't understand.
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That's natural for human beings.
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It has always been the case with humans, and that means we want to understand.
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So why is it that it's, that it makes us afraid to look inside?
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Right?
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It's only because of mystery, because of darkness.
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We meaning, meaning there's n- we're not shedding light on it, so we're afraid.
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What will I find in the dark?
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But if we say, "No, it isn't," it does not have to be that way.
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We can shine the light so you can look at yourself and it's okay.
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You're not gonna find some, terrible secret, the vast, vast majority
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of people, that is not what a person finds when they look inside.
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What they find is, the real truth and the real facts of what's going
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on in them and how to change.
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So if we're not afraid to look at that, if we bring compassionate curiosity
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to look at ourselves, then I can see, for example, if I see, look, my
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mood has been lower, I get depressed.
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And when I get depressed, I don't function as well, and then things aren't
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going as well at work and at home.
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Why do I have to be afraid to see that, right?
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Or if I'm trying to overcontrol, why do I have to be afraid to see that, when things
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aren't going well for me, or I've had some setback or some trauma in my life, I can
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respond by trying to overcontrol things, and that's not making things better.
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It's making things worse, right?
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We don't have to be afraid to look at ourselves and to look at what we find
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as long as the lights are on, where we have a route to understanding.
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And I say, "Okay, if I'm trying to overcontrol, what might that mean?"
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Right?
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It doesn't mean something, that I'm a terrible person or…
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What it means is I wanna look at that and see how I compensate for
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distress, anxiety, lack of control.
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What am I doing, and how can I look at that and do it in a healthy way?
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Just like someone who says, "Well, how am I responding to stress?"
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If I'm responding to stress by stress eating, right?
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I'm eating too much.
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That's not good for my physical health.
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It's okay.
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Let's look at that, right?
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What else can be done, right?
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We don't have to be afraid of looking at our physical health
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or our mental health if there are routes to understanding and change.
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How about we look at ourselves with compassionate curiosity and the lights
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on instead of fear, which will come if the lights are off and we just don't
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have a route to understanding and we're afraid of what we're gonna find?
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David Friedman, BS: So true.
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I know the enemy, you know, for most people, uh, for pro-productivity and
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happiness is that inner critic, that little devil's advocate, that voice
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inside our head, and most people wish they could silence theirs.
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But you say we should actually listen to it.
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Sher, why?
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Why is that a good thing?
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Paul Conti, MD: Well, to listen to what is the voice inside of us
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telling us, and it may be telling us something helpful, or it may not be.
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So if the voice is critical and it's just telling you over and over again
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that like things will never be okay and you're not good enough for what you're
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trying to do, that's not helpful, right?
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Then all we're doing is persecuting ourselves, right?
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And that doesn't get us anywhere.
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So let's take a look at that and say, "I don't wanna be saying negative
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things to myself over and over again while I'm trying to achieve something."
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Say, "Make my life better, be healthier, healthier friends in my
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life, find romance or a better job."
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Like I don't wanna be telling myself inside that I'm not good enough for that.
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Like let's look at that and change it, right?
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Le-let's not say that to ourselves.
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But we might be telling ourselves things that we need to look at.
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Like it might be that if I'm trying to over-control, that when I do that
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and then people get frustrated with me and I feel worse, there's a voice
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in myself, in-inside of me telling me, "Hey, like that's not working."
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Right?
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Now there would be a voice to listen to, right?
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So, so like anything else, we wouldn't say, "Well, listen to the
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voice of someone outside of you."
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agreed.
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We say, "Well, I'm gonna listen to what that person is saying to you."
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If it's helpful, like let's take that inside, right?
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If it's not helpful and it's just beating up on you, like we
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don't wanna take that inside.
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We wanna reject that.
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So we, we can look at ourselves and we don't have to be afraid
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of what we're gonna find.
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Even if we find, gosh, I'm just saying these awful things to myself over and over
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again, we don't have to be afraid of that.
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In fact, we should be afraid of not identifying that,
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because then it will go on.
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If we look at it, we can say, "Well, why am I, why am I saying that?"
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Right?
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Maybe I really am living out of accord with myself, right?
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And I should be living differently, and I know it, right?
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I wanna be healthier.
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Maybe I wanna take better care of myself.
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I wanna be better to the people around me.
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So maybe it really is telling me something.
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Let me go look at that voice, and if it's just beating up on me, I
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wanna see that and I wanna change that 'cause that's not helpful
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David Friedman, BS: Yeah, such a good point.
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Yeah,
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Paul Conti, MD: Yeah, we can shine the light everywhere inside of
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us, which is another way of saying bring compassionate curiosity.
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And then we don't have to be afraid of what we're gonna find, including
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in what we're saying to ourself.
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It's all information.
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It's grist for the mill, so to speak.
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And if we look at it that way, we don't have to be afraid of it.
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We can sort of be excited about it.
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I'm gonna look at myself, and what I'm gonna find, it's certainly
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gonna be informative, and it's gonna help me be healthier, which
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is what a good therapy process is.
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It's not depressing.
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It's not scary.
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We may have to look at difficult things and it's not easy, and it may involve
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some, some sadness along the way.
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Okay, that's what hard work is, but we can bring change, and good
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therapy processes really do leave people better off on the other side.
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They're, optimistic and life-affirming, processes, and I
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want us to all be able to see that.
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Just like it's optimistic and life-affirming to say, "Hey, I can
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look at my physical health, and I can be healthier," I can do that.
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Let me go avail myself of the tools around me.
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How do I understand myself and be healthier?
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We don't have to be afraid of doing that with our mental health
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David Friedman, BS: So, Trent, I know you've worked with some incredibly
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high-profile people, celebrities, executives, people who seemingly have it
15:30
all, like, you know, we looking from the outside, man, that person's so lucky.
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But what's the common thread that you see people who are struggling
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regardless of their status or success?
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Because some of these people are depressed, they're miserable, but
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on the outside they look happy.
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Why?
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Paul Conti, MD: I think we're all up against the same thing, and whether a
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person has fame or wealth or, some of us who at times are just struggling
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to get up and get ourselves through the day, you know, we're trying
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feel good enough about ourselves.
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and very often what is, true is a person has a really good reason
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to feel good about themselves, but they're not looking at that, right?
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We make the story about the negative, and then that makes us afraid.
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But if we look at what's going right, then we can change the negative.
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So someone, how many times has this one said to me, "Oh, there's like, it's
16:17
just like everything is awful," right?
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"And I can't get myself anywhere.
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I'm not worthwhile."
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This person's basically telling me this story, and I learn that they really
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are having pleasure in their life because maybe they're getting up early
16:27
in the morning and they have these quiet victories all day of getting
16:30
through their day and doing things that are of service to others, right?
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And maybe that's within the home or it's someone who has a, job that's
16:37
a helping job to other people.
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And because they're not taking any pleasure or pride, they don't see that
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there's so much pleasure and pride to be taken from that, they are persevering.
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They're enduring.
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they should get to feel good about what they're doing, and if they
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can feel that way, that, yes, what I'm doing is serving other people,
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someone who's taking care of a family.
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They say, "This is what I'm doing all day.
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Like, I should get to feel good about this, that I am making this sacrifice for
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others, and I wanna take pride in that."
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That's the point where we can start saying, "Okay, and now can we
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work in some time for you," right?
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What is something you really enjoy that you don't get to do because all
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the, time and energy and attention is going outward to other people?
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We can get a person to look at that, but it's never gonna happen if the person is
17:19
doing valuable things all day and just sees themselves as a failure, right?
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And this is what happens, and it can happen if someone is famous and wealthy
17:27
and they're, f- giving money away in philanthropy, and they have a good message
17:30
that they're using through their fame.
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They cannot feel good enough, just like any of us cannot feel good enough
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if we're not looking at the whole story of self and we're just building
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the story around our fears, right, and our perceived faults of self.
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David Friedman, BS: Yeah.
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I treat a lot of celebrities, and I've noticed a lot of them
17:48
suffer from the grass is greener on the other side mentality.
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It's like it's always better and bigger on the other side.
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But I always say, "Yeah, but you gotta mow that grass on the other side."
17:56
You still gotta take care of where you are, and it's, always bigger and better.
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And I think that some people should maybe just be still and
18:02
enjoy where they are instead of always thinking they have to excel.
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And that's just, from my viewpoint is like you seemingly have it all, but you
18:08
want more, and you want more, and you get more, and you want more than that.
18:11
It's like in Breaking Bad, that Walter White, the wife
18:13
said, "When is enough, enough?
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How much more money do you need?"
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And they're laying on this giant billions of dollars.
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"When is the limit?
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When will you be happy?"
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You remember that scene?
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Paul Conti, MD: Right.
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the thought is that often that maps to like greed, right?
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And sometimes it does, but most of the time, the vast majority,
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that's not what it's mapping to.
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Why does a person want more?
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Because they don't feel good enough.
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Like I find myself saying over and over again to people, no matter what walk
18:40
of life, that you have to own what's yours, what am I saying is you have
18:44
to own what you're achieving, right?
18:46
You can't say that you're not doing anything worthwhile if like you,
18:49
you have these quiet victories all day of just getting through your
18:52
day and doing what you need to do so that life can continue, right?
18:56
You have to own that you're doing that and what it takes of you, right?
18:59
What it requires of you to every day to get up and do that.
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The same thing if someone who thinks they need more money or more
19:04
fame, like they, they're not then seeing like what is it that I've
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gained, What have I done with it?
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Let me look at what is already mine cause if I don't, I'll go
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try and find more of it, right?
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And if I'm not already owning what's mine, finding more of it isn't
19:16
gonna make me feel better, right?
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Which is why we need to have a life narrative and understanding
19:21
of self that says, "Where am I?
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How have I gotten here?
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What is there to feel good about?
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What are the strengths in me that I've gotten here?"
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And it's from there that we can look at what needs to change.
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And it might be that the person needs to slow down and take stock of
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what they've gotten for themselves.
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Maybe they do need to make a change, right, in their life and stop, say,
19:39
earning and doing, and do something that's more generative for them maybe, right?
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but the whole point is we're all human, but we all follow patterns.
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So we can look at ourselves just like, we're all human, so, our
19:50
bodies have the same organs, and they gotta work in the same way.
19:53
we can use a route to understanding of our physical health.
19:56
The same is true of our mental health.
19:58
We're all human, so we all share this.
20:00
So there's a way that we can w- that we can understand ourselves and bring change.
20:06
We don't have to be afraid to do that, but we do have to look at ourselves
20:10
and it doesn't have to be scary, right?
20:12
I mean, it could-- should be something we're so-- we get to be so interested
20:15
in is I wanna understand myself better.
20:17
You know why?
20:18
I wanna have the best life I can, right?
20:20
If there's something not going well, I wanna change that, we can't do that
20:23
if we're so scared and we're looking away because we're afraid of mental
20:26
health because if we look at it, we're gonna find something awful, and we're
20:29
gonna get 14 diagnoses, that will not get us there, but we can get there.
20:34
It just requires a different route, a route that makes sense
20:37
and is anchored to truth and to just really common sense in a way
20:41
David Friedman, BS: Yeah, I know.
20:41
And something we don't do is we don't celebrate our victories enough.
20:44
I had an author on and he's like 15, 17, and 18 New York Times bestsellers and,
20:49
I said, "What's your biggest weakness?"
20:51
And he says, "Well, I just hit New York Times and rather than celebrate,
20:53
I'm, finishing up my next book and moving on to the next, next, endeavor."
20:57
so let's celebrate and enjoy where we are.
20:59
That's so true.
21:00
Let me ask you, if somebody's listening right now and they, they feel stuck,
21:02
they're not in crisis, but they're just going through a mundane everyday grind,
21:06
lacking purpose in life, what can they do?
21:08
You got any tips?
21:09
Paul Conti, MD: to say or write a narrative, like just write half
21:13
a piece of paper, three or four paragraphs typed out or words spoken
21:17
of like, "What is going on with me?"
21:19
Right?
21:19
"How did I get here and what am I doing?"
21:21
And very often it'll surprise us, right?
21:24
It'll surprise us see what our narrative is, and does it match with our life?
21:29
So someone who describes themselves as lazy, right?
21:31
And then we match that to the fact they're not lazy, they're,
21:34
working 14 hours a day, right?
21:36
To get by, but they want more from what they're doing.
21:40
It's just an example.
21:41
So they say, "Well, okay, now that you put it outside of yourself, you see that
21:44
like you're calling yourself lazy," right?
21:46
And like, and that's not gonna get you anywhere and it's not true, we're not
21:49
trying to shift to a different way of looking at it because it feels better.
21:52
We're saying, no, we wanna shift to a way that's true.
21:55
There's a lot of effort, say, in that person going out.
21:57
Now, is the effort in the best way?
21:59
Are they using that energy and time in a way that serves them best?
22:02
I don't know, right?
22:03
Let's learn about that, right?
22:05
But we have to put outside of ourselves, what am I saying to myself?
22:08
What's my self-talk?
22:09
What's my story of self?
22:11
Because I, I have to have a way of thinking about myself and describing
22:15
myself that is real and true.
22:17
What is it that I've overcome to get here?
22:20
Am I building the story just around the negative?
22:22
Like you said, the author, you said that person should feel immensely
22:25
accomplished, but no, they, they're not paying any attention to that.
22:28
Now they, may feel that their self-esteem is riding on the success
22:31
of the next book, we have to look at ourselves in a way that's real, right?
22:35
A- again, it all comes full circle to what's going right, right?
22:39
There's a lot going right in that author.
22:41
That's why that author is writing best-selling books, right?
22:43
Why don't we start there, and then maybe we can get to why that person
22:47
might not feel as much satisfaction or why they might feel depressed.
22:50
Again, I don't know, I'm just guessing.
22:52
But, in order to get at that, we have to step back to what's real,
22:56
and if that person doesn't describe themselves as a very successful
22:58
author, we'd say, "Well, why?
23:01
Why not?
23:01
That's clearly true."
23:02
If you're not owning that, it's gonna be hard to, feel good about your
23:06
life and to feel good about yourself.
23:08
So the idea here is we wanna look through the lens of truth.
23:12
So we can start to do that by looking at what is our story of
23:15
self, and what is my self-talk?
23:17
What do I say to myself in those quiet moments?
23:19
what's my narrative inside?
23:20
If I'm beating up on myself, why?
23:22
If I'm just focusing on the negative, why?
23:25
Let's look at ourselves in a way that's real and true.
23:27
It's not Pollyanna, right?
23:29
It's saying, let's look at ourselves real- in a way that's real and true.
23:32
That's how we're gonna solve our problems
23:34
David Friedman, BS: Yeah, so true.
23:35
Let's talk about being social 'cause it, it meant something
23:38
different when I was growing up.
23:39
It meant hanging out with friends, sharing a meal, laughing with people I
23:42
knew, and somehow being social now has the word media after it and being, social
23:47
means sitting alone now in front of a screen with thousands of people you've
23:50
never met that you call your friends.
23:52
I'm curious, as a psychiatrist, what has this rewiring of human
23:56
connection done to our mental health?
23:58
Paul Conti, MD: Well, I think it's been negative for our mental health,
24:01
but because we're not looking at it.
24:03
anything that has power, we have to be, we should be respectful of, right?
24:07
Because a- anything with power can do good or bad.
24:09
So let's be respectful of its power.
24:11
There are people who use social media and they, can feel a real
24:14
connection to people who they're not seeing right in front of them.
24:18
So for example, people with…
24:20
The people with support groups or people with certain illness, right?
24:22
They might not see the person with the illness, but, they're
24:25
communicating back and forth.
24:26
There's something real and shared between them.
24:28
That's very different than someone who thinks that they have 670 friends
24:32
because that's a number of people, that are online playing some game, right?
24:36
So, so what we need is real, human connection.
24:40
It's not that that can never come through social media.
24:43
It's just what it shouldn't come exclusively through
24:45
social media, and often social media can take away from that.
24:49
So a person who's just looking through, other people's postings and other people
24:53
are posting what's best, and then the person's looking and saying, "Oh, my
24:56
life is so terrible compared to someone else's life," without realizing this is
25:00
just nothing but harmful for me, right?
25:02
I'm making a false sense about my own life by looking at people's posts
25:06
about what's best in their life.
25:08
Like, I don't wanna use this powerful tool against me.
25:11
So a- again, if we respect its power and we respect that there's a complexity
25:15
around human connection, and yes, some of that needs to be face to face.
25:18
Yes, some of it can be online, but what does that mean?
25:22
Is it real connection?
25:23
Is it not?
25:24
we have to look at our lives, what it is that we need and what we're doing,
25:28
and if it's getting us what we want.
25:30
Just like with an exercise routine, if you wanna lose weight and be healthier, and
25:33
you're going through an exercise routine and a month later nothing has changed,
25:37
it doesn't say that things are hopeless.
25:38
It says go back and look at that, right?
25:40
Let's go look at that and say, what are our goals?
25:42
What, route are we using to try and meet our goals, and are we succeeding?
25:46
David Friedman, BS: Yeah, that's so true.
25:47
You know, one simple, shift that changed my entire outlook on life is I
25:50
stopped saying the words, "I have to."
25:52
I started saying, "I get to."
25:54
I don't have to go to work, I get to.
25:56
I don't have to go to the gym, I get to.
25:57
And, you know, millions of people would give anything to be physically able to
26:00
do those things that I'm, like, maybe dreading, and that so-called burden
26:05
that we think we endure are what so many others wish they had in their lives.
26:09
Is that kind of a neat way just to look at, you know, be complaining about your
26:12
stubbed toe, look at the guy with no foot?
26:15
Paul Conti, MD: Yes, it can be, but that can cut both ways too, because
26:18
then people can beat up on themselves.
26:20
Like, "What's wrong with me that I can't even be grateful
26:23
that I'm healthy when they're…
26:24
I can't even be grateful that I have a, foot when cause I stubbed my toe.
26:27
There are people who don't have a foot," right?
26:29
We can beat up on ourselves.
26:30
That's not good, right?
26:32
But to say, "Look, I wanna look at what's going right.
26:34
And if I'm able to get myself up and to work each day, like, there's
26:39
a lot that's going right in me, physical health, mental health.
26:42
Now, if that job isn't bringing me satisfaction, let me go look at that.
26:45
Like, maybe I should be bringing myself to a different job, or I should be bringing
26:48
myself to this job in a different way."
26:50
Maybe, right?
26:51
But we're then, we're looking at ourselves, and we wanna look at our
26:54
strengths, and we wanna feel grateful for our strength, but we wanna, use that
26:58
to empower ourselves, Not to take away from ourselves because then we don't feel
27:01
like we're being grateful enough, right?
27:03
So, there's power to all of this, and power can cut both ways.
27:06
So, it is important to have a process, and that's why my, hope with the book
27:10
is that it does give people a route to understanding what it means to them.
27:14
does feeling grateful mean they, actually end up beating up on themselves
27:17
because they don't feel grateful enough?
27:18
Or does feeling grateful mean I feel empowered to make my life better?
27:22
So, so the book is designed to provide routes to understanding
27:26
and then to let that understanding, lead us forward practical ways
27:30
to bring change to our lives
27:32
David Friedman, BS: Yeah.
27:32
So Trent, I know you've helped so many people over the decades.
27:34
What's the most common transformation you've witnessed when somebody
27:38
finally taps into their three drives?
27:40
Paul Conti, MD: Well, I think that the person can find then some elements of
27:44
peace, contentment, and delight, which is what we really want when we say happiness.
27:48
We wanna feel peace.
27:49
We just want to, to feel like we can just be and not have the world intrude
27:53
on us, our worries intrude on us.
27:55
We want some contentment where I can say I'm aware of my own life, including
27:58
what's difficult or what I'm not happy about, or even what's tragic.
28:02
I embrace my life.
28:03
I feel good about my life, even though it may be hard.
28:06
And in the ways in which it's hard, I feel good about how I'm living my days.
28:10
If I'm being in line with values, We wanna feel contentment, and we want
28:14
the capacity for delight like children.
28:15
We wanna have things that can light us up when we, see something, whether
28:19
it's a, the flower that bloomed in the garden the person planted, right?
28:22
Or it's a smile of someone we care about, or it's even just a smile of someone
28:26
we're nice to that we don't know, we want to be able to feel some peace.
28:30
We wanna feel content with our lives, and we want delight.
28:32
That's happiness for us.
28:34
So, so if we don't have that or we don't have enough of that, then we
28:37
need to work towards getting it.
28:39
That's, how we're gonna bring the goodness in our lives that we, need
28:42
David Friedman, BS: Yeah, well said.
28:43
Last topic we got to bring up is stress.
28:45
I keep getting asked by patients, "How do I deal with the stress?"
28:47
That mind-body connection is so undeniable.
28:50
Any practical steps you can recommend to help people lower chronic stress
28:53
that's eroding people's mental health?
28:56
Paul Conti, MD: Well, you have to look at where it's coming from.
28:58
So I would say I, I don't wanna just, polish the hood.
29:00
I mean, there, there are stress reduction techniques and a lot of
29:02
them are great, Muscle relaxation, you know, progressive muscle relaxation,
29:06
for example, it's just an example.
29:07
So we can use things to decrease stress, but I wanna know where that
29:10
stress is coming from and know can we get to the roots of it and can we
29:14
make it better at the root so that we don't have to deal with the stress
29:18
that's being spun off all the time.
29:19
I think there's immense value in understanding and that we should be
29:23
driving towards more understanding.
29:26
there's where compassionate curiosity, really looking at ourselves, not being
29:29
afraid to look at ourselves, having routes to understanding and change, then mental
29:33
health isn't a scary black box anymore.
29:35
It's like, "Oh, there it is.
29:36
There's a roadmap here.
29:37
I can understand this.
29:38
and through that understanding, I'm gonna make my life better."
29:41
Now we can have at it, We can start addressing our mental health instead of
29:45
being afraid and looking the other way
29:46
David Friedman, BS: Yeah, well said.
29:47
Time flew by.
29:48
In the, uh, minute we have left, anything else you'd like to share with the
29:50
listeners that we didn't cover today?
29:52
Paul Conti, MD: I wanna say that there is hope.
29:54
I mean, so many of us can feel so hopeless that we just can't bring
29:58
change to our lives, but we can.
30:00
If we're feeling hopeless, it's just 'cause we don't understand, right?
30:03
Everything can be made at least somewhat better.
30:05
There's, room greater life satisfaction and, just feeling
30:08
better to some degree in all of us.
30:11
for people to carry that with them, that there is no such
30:13
thing as hopelessness here.
30:15
and the book is really designed to help people see that.
30:18
not just see it in a theoretical way, but to see it in a way, oh,
30:21
there's hope and here's how we get…
30:23
Here's how I can get what I want to be, different.
30:26
And that is always there in front of all of us.
30:28
It's there for all of us
30:29
David Friedman, BS: Bravo, bravo.
30:30
Thanks for joining us.
30:31
the book is called What's Going Right: A Powerful New Method for
30:35
Optimizing Your Mental Health.
30:37
Such a unique book.
30:39
I hope everybody gets a copy, and you can do that by going to drpaulconti.com.
30:44
And while there, be sure and check out the many resources available, including
30:48
informative articles and podcasts and videos and telehealth options.
30:52
And if you heard something today that somebody you know needs to hear,
30:55
send them a link to this podcast.
30:57
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David Friedman.
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More to come.
31:21
Stay tuned and stay well