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Divorce Burnout Is Real: How Spoon Theory Can Help You Cope · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation, and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: These are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce, or reorganising life afterwards.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warren Tree people of the Coolin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to this week's episode of the podcast, and today I'm going to talk about spoons.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, spoons.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Stay with me here, I promise you I haven't lost it.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: This episode is for any one of you who's feeling tired, exhausted, depleted, and not just, you know, I need to sit down, I need a nap, kind of tired, but completely drained in that full body, full brain, completely emotionally fried kind of way.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: If you're stuck in the loop of should I stay or should I go, if you're in the middle of separation or divorce, even parenting and reorganizing life and family afterwards, I know that you will know exactly the kind of tired I mean.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: And so what I want to talk about is spoon theory and why it might just help you get through this chapter a little more easily with a little more clarity, understanding, self-compassion, and even energy in the tank.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: So what is spoon theory and what the hell does it have to do with separation and divorce?
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: There is this idea called Spoon Theory, which was originally created, I suppose, by a writer named Christine Miserandino, and I've probably mispronounced bastardized her name, okay?
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I'll put her name in the show notes.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: And she used it to explain what it's like to live with chronic illness.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: She was out to lunch with a friend and trying to explain what it actually feels like, that lived experience of living with chronic illness.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: And she grabbed a handful of spoons, the teaspoons in the cup on the table, to make her point.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: And she said, each of those spoons represents a unit of energy.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: And the idea behind spoon theory is that people living with a chronic illness, anybody really, but this was particularly related to people living with chronic illness, don't have unlimited energy.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: They don't have unlimited spoons.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: They wake up each day with a set number, a certain number of spoons, and every little thing costs a spoon or two or three.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: Just getting out of bed might cost three spoons.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: Making breakfast for yourself, another one.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: Making school lunches, oh my god, that used to cost me ten spoons.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: Dealing with people, making decisions, getting in the car, walking the dog, answering emails, going to work all costs.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: It all costs energy, it all costs spoons.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: But our spoons are not unlimited.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: We have a finite number of spoons, and once they're gone, they're gone.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: And while this concept was created to explain chronic illness, it's honestly such a helpful way to think about life when you're navigating a breakup or moving through divorce, especially one that's complex or conflict-heavy, right?
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because separation is exhausting.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce does deplete us logistically, legally, emotionally, mentally, energetically, all of it.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: And so divorce eats your spoons, basically.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine you wake up each day with a limited number of spoons.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: Some days you might wake up with a full deck, you might have a hundred spoons.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: Other days you might only have 10 because you didn't sleep very well, you're emotionally tapped, you wake up or you before you went to sleep, you checked your email, you checked your messages, there was something incoming from your lawyer, their lawyer, your ex-partner, whatever.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Now think about what else uses up those spoons.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: You know, answering the email from your lawyer, one spoon.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: A co-parenting conversation that turns unexpectedly heated, difficult, might cost you two spoons.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: Making decisions, big or small, that have emotional weight and long-term real life consequences.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: You know, ten spoons, stressing about or dealing with money stuff, finances, holding space for your kids, trying really hard in your communication to keep things open, civil, compassionate, kind, right?
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: Showing up at work or in a social situation and pretending that you are fine.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: Suddenly, not even suddenly, but you know, by 11am, you've got one spoon left and hours in the day to go.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: So if this sounds familiar, you really are not alone.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: The truth is divorce isn't just a legal process.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: You already know that.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: There are real humans, real hearts, real lives in the middle of this separation, this divorce.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's not just a legal process, it's a human process, it's an emotional process, and it's an energetic process, and you cannot keep giving your spoons away like you've got an endless supply.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where I bring spoon theory into my coaching, into conversations with my kids, even now as young adults, and into my own inner dialogue and into my conversations with clients.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: Do I have the spoons to do this thing, to say yes to this thing?
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: Before you agree to something, before you push through, before you say yes out of habit, ask yourself, do I actually have the spoons for this?
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Is this the best use of the energy, the number of spoons that I have today?
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: Can this thing wait until I have replenished my spoons?
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: Is this something I even need to do at all?
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: Does it deserve, is it worthy of even one spoon?
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: And where might I need to hold some spoons back, one or two or ten, so I'm not running on empty this afternoon, this evening, tomorrow?
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: And what do I need to do?
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: What do I need to do not just to protect and preserve my spoons, but to replenish them?
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: These are really smart, strategic questions and not selfish ones.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: Because self-care at this point isn't about mani pedies, bubble baths, green juice, although all of those things absolutely have their place.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: This is about energy triage, protecting the energy you have, preserving spoons for what is necessary and where you want to spend your spoons, your energy, and building strategies to replenish your energy and replenish your spoons, your spoon stock.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's about boundaries, it's about choosing you in small but powerful ways.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes it means tackling the one thing, the one important thing today, and letting the rest go because that one thing is going to take such a chunk of your spoons that you won't have spoons left for anything else.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: It might be responding to your lawyer and then stepping away from your inbox, protecting your spoons so that you can then show up for your kids in the afternoon.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: It might be choosing not to engage in that argument with your ex, even if you feel righteous, even if you feel provoked and triggered and activated, even if you think that you need to, maybe it's just waiting until you have the spoons to deal with that.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: It could be telling your kids we're doing toast or cereal for dinner, because that's all you've got enough spoons left to do.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: It might be saying no to a social engagement, cancel cancelling catch-up because what you really need to do is hunker down on the couch, under the covers, lie in the dark, cry in the bath, or sleep.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: Or just be in your own space, in your own energy.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have spoons to go out and interact with other people.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: You need to be still and quiet at home, protect your energy, recharge your spoons.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: This doesn't mean that you're lazy, it doesn't mean that you don't want or need social interaction or engagement.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: You're not wrong, you're not failing.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: You're navigating one of life's most demanding transitions, and so of course, you're running low on energy.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: You're running low on spoons.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to prove anything by pushing through and depleting your stash of spoons.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: You do need to preserve the energy you have for things that actually matter, for things that either move you forward, make it make a change, create change for you that preserve and protect your peace and your energy.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: It is about using your spoons wisely, and using your spoons wisely is self-care.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's one of the most powerful ways you can reclaim and hold on to some sense of control in the middle of all of what's changing and whirling and chaotic around you.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: Spoon theory gives you the permission to say, I can't today.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: It gives you language to say I've got no spoons left today, or this actually is not worth my last spoon.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: And it reminds you that your energy is finite, you are allowed to rest, to choose you, and to step away.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: So where are you spending your spoons today?
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: And are you spending them in ways that matter to you?
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: What's perhaps costing you more spoons than it's worth, and what might shift if if you saved a few spoons just for you?
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: We're really good at spending our spoons on doing all the busy things, making sure everybody else is okay.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: But what might shift if you held back a little, saved a few spoons just for yourself?
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: So if you are in let's call it a season of spoon deficit, I I see you, I've been there, I think we've all been there at different times, but separation and divorce is really demanding of us emotionally, mentally, practically, energetically.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: So using spoon theory to support yourself through it is a smart strategy.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: And if you like my support figuring out where your energy is going and how to protect what's left, I'm absolutely here for it.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: And it's literally what I do with my one-to-one clients.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: You'll find, as always, a link to book a free intro call in the show notes.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'll also link to an article about Spoon Theory if you want to read more about it.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: That intro call is never a pressure chat, it is a conversation about where you're at and how I can support you.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: In the meantime, give yourself permission to rest, reset, refill the tank, and to choose consciously where and how you use your spoons.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: This is hard, this is overwhelming, and you don't need to be everything to everyone.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to be superhuman here.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: You just need enough spoons to keep yourself going and to spend on what is important to you.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: So until next time, go gently, take care of you, and protect your spoons.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: Use your spoons wisely and well.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: If you know somebody who's in the messy middle of it, who's thinking about leaving a relationship that they're not happy in, who's wondering whether to stay or go, and would be supported by listening to this episode, please please share it with them.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, bye for now.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: Until then,