Latest / Long Haul Marriage Roadcast / Lucky In Love Workshop Recap

Transcript

Lucky In Love Workshop Recap · Long Haul Marriage Roadcast

• 0:20
  Speaker 1: Right, Madness, Are you madness, I'm not mad. I actually
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: kind of like it. I'm not really into it, but
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: it's fun for me to watch you and the boys
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: be into it.
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: Way to go Maryland, Colorado State. Colorado State busted a
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: late game three, look like they were going to win it,
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: and then you know, they let Maryland take quite four
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: steps with no dribbling. I'm glad that dribbling the basketball
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: is no longer necessary.
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: That's weird. No one said anything about it old NBA
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: three three and a half. Okay, so I have a question, yep,
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: during March madness. Are their games every day of the week? No, okay, no,
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: but there's a lot of games. Yeah, all right, well
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: I'm here for it.
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: And fishing coming up if okay, are we going to
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: be totally transparent about what's going on right now?
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: Let's be totally transparent.
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: So we wanted to talk a little bit about Lucky
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: in Love. We had a great, great workshop at justin
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: Coffee co Is that what we're going to go with? Yes,
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: Remember we had a little debate about what it's called yea,
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: but that was so fun and our topic was not
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: love and lot days this time. It was lucky in love. Yes,
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: And what we discovered was love has nothing to do
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: with luck, and luck has absolutely nothing to do with love.
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: I feel very lucky that I met you and that
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: you're still hanging in there with me. But we have choices, right.
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: We do. We make a choice every We.
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: Believe that God brought us together, but still we have
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: free will and we have choices. And even though he
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: did the he did the setup, it's it's up to
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: us to stick with it, right, Yes, And so that's
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: a choice. It is a decision, it is an action.
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: It's the noun, not the verb. I mean the verb,
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: not the noun. Yes, yeah that so, yeah, Yeah, it's
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: the decision that we make every day. So lucky in
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: love was good, but we were not so lucky over
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: the weekend. No, talk about that, and then we'll jump
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: back into So.
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: We kept our sweet grand babies, and they ended up
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: two of the three had some kind of a little
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: stummy stomach was a stummy yeah, tummy tummy bug, stomach bug. Yeah.
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: And so this afternoon you and I kind of started
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: feeling a little bit ify. Yeah, hanging in and I
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: hanging in.
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: So I'm hoping that yeah, we're going to go to
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: bed early overnight and we're going to heal and the
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: rest have a date with like Fork in the morning. Yes,
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: and it's been years since I've probably fifteen years.
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: It's I've been to.
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: Fork and i'ok forward to it. Carson and I are
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: doing some fishing with really good friends and so yeah,
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: I hope that doesn't get bugged out. Good night.
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: And rest up and feel great.
• 3:23
  Speaker 2: So lucky in love? Yeah, I love when people say
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: I love you, but I'm not in love with you.
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: Right, Yes, we hear that for sure on What The
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: Bachelor Bachelorette.
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you're my person.
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: And probably now like that's just a common phrase.
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: There's no such thing as your person. You make your person.
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: You make a decision to love your person even when
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: you don't feel like it. You know, people say we
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: confuse luss for love. I think we confuse infatuation with love.
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: It is the novelty. What happens when the novelty wears off,
• 3:59
  Speaker 2: when it shuts off the pity. We have to make
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: the decision to love. And so when people now say
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: I love you, but I'm not in love with you, Ohm,
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: my good. That's now you're now we're talking. Now, we're talking.
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: You're now doing what you need to do. You're going
• 4:13
  Speaker 2: to love intentionally and on purpose, and you're going to
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: choose to do that even when you don't feel like
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: you're in love. And if you fall in love, well
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: what happened when you fall out of love? Right? I
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: think the one of the big takeaways that look like
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: connected with everybody was that whole Once the novelty does
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: wear off you, you just feel like you're with this
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: old hat, right. It's just man, I know you, right,
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: and maybe I'm tired of you. I'm maybe I'm annoyed
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: by you, instead of being with this person that you
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: treasure and is a gift and seeing them not as
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: some annoyance or pain in your butt, but somebody who's
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: been given to you as a gift and that oneness.
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: But but the word that was I remember one lady
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: at the end said, man, that was a really cool concept.
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: She said, just being curious, staying curious about your partner,
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: not thinking that you know them like the back of
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: your hand. And after twenty years, twenty five years, even
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: after you know five years, two years, like you think
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: you know your partner. And we made the point, the
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: girl that I married, you know, thirty six years ago,
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: is not the girl that I'm married to today, even
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: though it is you. The girl that I married hadn't
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: you know, had kids, She hadn't lost a child, she
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: hadn't started her own business. She you know, hadn't she
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: actually married, let's see, a finance guy.
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: Right, Yeah, turned into a.
• 5:46
  Speaker 2: Healing place director pastor, and turned into now a marriage guy.
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: So yeah, it's so we're evolving, like it's happening. We're changing,
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: and so we are moving targets when we are deciding
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: to love that person. Who are you? And what are
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: your what are your life goals? What are your life visions? Yeah?
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: And do I know those things? When's the last time
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: we've really shared about our dreams for our life, for
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: our kids, for our home, for our business, for our future.
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: Yeah. I love when you say, you know, some of
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: us just think that we know who we're marrying. I
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: can't remember. I should have it memorized by now, but
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: you know, we just think we do. But give it
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: a while and they'll change. And you know, the trick
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: or the key or the magic is figuring out you
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: know who the heck you're married to after all these years,
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: you know, after you after the different you know, morphings
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: and changes and iterations. You know, we've changed so much
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: we were kids. I mean we we can't and we
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: don't want to be those same people. You know, you're
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: twenty two or twenty three or whatever, like, no, we're
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: both almost sixty. You are closer than I am.
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: Broaching each other with just that curious like who are you?
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: What do you?
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: What do you like? What do we play? The little game?
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: You know, what's your spouse's favorite genre of music, what's
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: your favorite food? Who's their best friend? What are their
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: greatest fears? What's on their travel bucket list? We should
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: know those things, but many times we think, oh, well
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: we know those right, But are they Have we updated
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: that because I want to say that person most likely
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: has changed because man life has done a number on them.
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And by the way, that that quote, I heard
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: it in Tim Keller's The Meaning of Marriage, and he
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: quoted the book called Resident Aliens by Stanley Harwass har w.
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: Something a US or something like that.
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: But yeah, I think I had to do the phonetic
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: pronunciation from when I talk about it in the Weddings
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: Stanley Harwass. But yeah, it's called Resident Aliens. You should
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: check it out. And the Meeting of Marriage. That's a
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: really cool one by Tim Keller.
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: Yeah, a really good one.
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: You know, sometimes you like when you let your mind wander,
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: you think, wow, what if we knew everything that was
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: ahead of us when we were those you know, bright
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: eyed and bushy tailed, little twenty two and twenty three
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: year old kids, you know, just signing up for marriage
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: going you know, we didn't. We didn't do well on
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: our premierital test. We pretty much failed it. If there
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: was a thing is past for past failures, but there's
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: really not. But we we had a lot of areas
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: of growth, I will say, And I remember when our
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: counselor told us that We're like, oh, thanks, but we
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: don't need your help. Like you don't know us, you
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: don't know, we're just so in lost soulmates. And so
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: if we could have known back then everything that was
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: ahead of us, gosh, I'm so glad. I'm so glad
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: it doesn't work that way. I'm so glad that you
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: really do go headlong into this saying I'm going to
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: choose to love you every single day and you don't
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: know the hard spots that are coming. You don't know
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: those rough roads, you know, but you know as you
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: continue to just show up and love and struggle and
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: learn and grow, and you know, it just it really
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: can get better and better and better.
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: Yeah, we talked about the difference between a contract and
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: a covenant and marriage. We're going to be you know,
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: it's this covenant between us and God, and it's we're
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: basically saying, you know, I know your trouble, and so
• 9:42
  Speaker 2: am I. That's why we've made a big deal about this.
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: We're not going to quit. But in a contract, it's
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: all about your rights and maximizing your rights and you know,
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: minimizing any responsibilities. And with the covenants the other way.
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And it.
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: Contracts this legal agreement and then and the covenant is
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: this spiritual, very relational thing.
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: And and so many couples we we've talked about this man,
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: a lot of young couples. Hey, they're not getting married,
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: you know, be they're getting married a lot later if
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: they do. And a lot of them are talking about
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: pre nups right because it's just this business transaction. And
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: I mean, God bless them. They've seen you know, things
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: don't work out, and and they get they've seen people
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: get burned, right, But already they've got this mentality that
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: divorce is something because of the divorceery that can just
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: happen to you. And so it's like a disease you
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: can catch, right, or a bug you can catch it.
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: And instead of like Jimmy Evans talks about when he
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: talks about his fore foundational laws, he said, if you
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: keep these laws, you know, priority, pursued partnership, and purity,
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: you have a one hundred percent chance of success in
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: your marriage.
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: So it's it's just.
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: Remembering again that we have we have choices, we we
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: you don't have to fear this thing. And yes there
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: is an spouse involved, I get it. Yeah, when two
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: spouses are seeing themselves in a covenant, not a contract,
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: they're willing to do the work and they're willing to
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: own their stuff. You know, it is the marriage is
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: that accountability mirror. It's that crucibles saying, man, this is
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: gonna this is gonna be hard because you're gonna have
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: to die.
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And you know, can I just say I'll go
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: back to what you just said. You know how it
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: really takes two spouses that are willing to learn and
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: grow and do the hard work. You know it. My
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: heart really does go out to just so many people
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: that we know who's you know, they couldn't pull all
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: the weight, you know, they they desperately wanted to save
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: their marriage. They would have done anything to show up
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: at workshops and to yeah, and I mean they still,
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: you know, will they still will meet with us just
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: for relationship coaching and personal coaching, you know, which is
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: really cool. But it's really hard when you know someone
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: who they weren't ready to throw in the towel. They
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: wanted to do what it took the other one, but
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: the other one didn't, and that's just that's heartbreaking, you know.
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: But you know, we just pray that you know, a
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: beautiful future is ahead of them, you know, and they
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: may not see what's ahead, you know, after this heartbreaking
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: you know, divorce or so break up.
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: So this sacrificial element that we talked about that when
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: you're not in a contract but in a covenant, it's
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: learning to die to yourself. And you know, we talk
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: about that and we've we've talked about it on this podcast.
• 12:37
  Speaker 2: You know, it sounds great when we say, yeah, you're
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: going to die at ourselves. Well, daily, take up your
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: cross and follow me. Jesus, is where you going When
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: you take your wroth, you're going to die And it
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: sounds great, but man, it's hard and it's it's it's
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: just tough to do. And we were talking last night.
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: We're all selfish, I mean some way more selfish than others.
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: And I know, you know, living with a very so
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: less person like you, and it's been you know, it's
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: kind of a daily conviction. But you know, we talked
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: about when you come to marriage, most of us bless
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: our hearts. We come by that selfishness kind of honestly
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: because we grow up it's about us. Everything's about us,
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: my school, my music, my sports, my girlfriend, my fiance,
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: my wife. And so we come into marriage these and
• 13:31
  Speaker 2: we talked about the three stages. The first is I
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: love you for how you make me feel, so it's
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: all about us. And then I love you for what
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: you do for me, and hopefully we can graduate from
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: this selfish to the selfless. Number three is I love
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: you for who you are. And so then the question
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: is so and I talked about Chandler. You know, I
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: mean what I didn't love her for what she she
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: made me feel or for what she did for.
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: Me right when she was a newborn, she was a
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: new more.
• 14:01
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that was the first time, and that's yeah, thanks
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: for bringing that up. It was or clarifying. It was
• 14:08
  Speaker 2: the first time I ever really loved someone outside of myself,
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: like just like that. I mean, there was you, right,
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: but it was just even then, right, I think that
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: was still kind of wrapped up in how you made
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: me feel, right, and so anyway, it was just so
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: good to be able to get to I love you
• 14:33
  Speaker 2: for who you are. Well, then the question is who
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: are you?
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: You know?
• 14:36
  Speaker 2: Who is your spouse? Do you know them, do you
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: care to know them? Do you want to know them?
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: Or do you want to know your image of them?
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: And do you want to make them in that image
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: that you have those perceptions that you had early on?
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: What if they turn out to not be that person?
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: You know?
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: Because Mayor's being the enormous thing means we are not
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: the same after we have entered it. So it's Danley Harwise.
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: Is the problem is learning to love the stranger to
• 15:03
  Speaker 2: whom you find yourself married. So is are we going
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: to do that? Or are we going to try to
• 15:08
  Speaker 2: turn that stranger into ourselves.
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: That's good. I was just telling somebody earlier, you know,
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: the tagline kind of on our business card, you know,
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: long haul marriage. Marriage can be the right of a
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: life or the adventure of you know, of a lifetime.
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: And it is. And you think about adventures, you know
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: what makes them. In the moment, it may feel like, oh,
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: all the kids are screaming and crying and saying are
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: we there yet? And someone is carsick, or you know,
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: you have a flat tire or have to stop in
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: some little town and go to some repair shop, or
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: you know, something doesn't it. Things are not always going
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: to work out perfectly. And so when you look at
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: marriage as an adventure, there are going to be ups
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: and downs, highs and lows and and it's a mixed bag.
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: And so it's really taking all of it, you know,
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: for it to be an adventure like that. The very
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: word about that is it's not just just smooth sailing.
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: You know, There's going to be some things that you're
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: going to have to work through, you know, And so
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: I'm just I'm thankful and I'll just we'll go, We'll
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: go here. I loved our time this morning for our
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: vision meeting that we had, and you know, as we
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: sat there and talked about, like, you know, our vision
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: for the week and some of the things that we
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: need to get done, and we both just said, you
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: know what we need to like pause on that for
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: just a minute, and we just kind of started to
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: go there and be really vulnerable about you know, where
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: we are and how we're feeling, not really about us,
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: but just about life. Like life is hard. You know,
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: it can you in the gut and you know what
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: can like in the middle of like a really beautiful day,
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: you're like, man, I'm I'm feeling something today. I'm feeling down,
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: or I'm feeling sad, or I'm feeling afraid or I'm
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: feeling and being able to voice that with your spouse
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: not have to hold that in is a real That
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: was a really sacred moment today and just kind of
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: I think sent our day on a different you know, even.
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah, do that, you know, what's what's our vision for
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: the week? And instead of vision, I felt like it
• 17:35
  Speaker 2: was just this frenetic kind of to do list and
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: you know, for home and for business and for personal
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: and he just became this thing and we were both
• 17:42
  Speaker 2: feeling and when I just opened up and then he
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: opened up, and then we just said, man, let's pray.
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: And that prayer that that changed everything. Yeah, and so yeah, hey,
• 17:52
  Speaker 2: hey to God, shout me to just being being able
• 17:56
  Speaker 2: to go back to just again just crying out to
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: God and just saying I trust you and we need you,
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: We need you to help us, we need you to
• 18:03
  Speaker 2: guide us, show us that we don't want to be
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: doing this and just floundering. And so just the peace
• 18:09
  Speaker 2: that came after that, and we frame me that, Hey,
• 18:12
  Speaker 2: I wanted to too. I just thought, let's read I
• 18:16
  Speaker 2: want to read First Corinthians thirteen. The part of that
• 18:18
  Speaker 2: that I always quote in the weddings because we were saying,
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: you know, luck has nothing to do with love, and
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: because it's when you hear the action and like I said,
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: the verb, not the noun, listen to the action in
• 18:32
  Speaker 2: these words, First Corinthians thirteen. Love is patient, Love is kind.
• 18:37
  Speaker 2: It does not envy. It does not boast. It is
• 18:40
  Speaker 2: not proud. It does not dishonor others. It is not
• 18:44
  Speaker 2: self seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no
• 18:48
  Speaker 2: record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, love
• 18:57
  Speaker 2: always hopes, love always persevered, Love never fails.
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: And when you just.
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: You look at what you like, how you express yourself
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: to your spouse, how you express love to your spouse
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: in those ways? Just think of it that way. Are
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: you kind? Are you patient? Do you boast? Are you proud?
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: Do you dishonor them? Are you self seeking? Are you
• 19:22
  Speaker 2: easily angered? And do you keep record of wrongs? I
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: mean you could just when you look at that and think.
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: And I loved when we asked the men and the women,
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: and we started with I think the women and said
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: I feel loved when you and the things that they
• 19:39
  Speaker 2: listed yea. You know, we made a list of like
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: ten things where the women were just saying, man, I
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: feel loved when he does this, and they got very specific.
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: And then the men, I feel respected when she does
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: this or loved when she does this. And then when
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: we read through the list and it was really really cool,
• 19:58
  Speaker 2: I said, is their luck in any of those things?
• 20:02
  Speaker 2: You know it had nothing to do with luck? Obviously
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: it was no. And then the question is how often
• 20:10
  Speaker 2: do you do those things on that on that board?
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: And so then we tasked each couple with, you know, hey,
• 20:16
  Speaker 2: write down the top three things I appreciate about your
• 20:22
  Speaker 2: spouse and them showing And what was cool is there
• 20:25
  Speaker 2: were around the room. There was generally no surprises on
• 20:28
  Speaker 2: that list. They knew that those were things that made
• 20:31
  Speaker 2: you feel, you know, loved and made me feel respected.
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: And most of them said, even though they knew it,
• 20:39
  Speaker 2: they felt a little convicted that they could do at
• 20:41
  Speaker 2: least one or two of the things better.
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and they just said, you know, we were like,
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: so why is it that we know these things? Why
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: don't we do these things? And so, you know, we
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: just kind of talked through that, like we're tired, you know,
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: we're irritable, senful or bitter towards our spouse. We you know,
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: we're just we're lazy, we're just you know things. Yeah,
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: and so I was going to read just a few.
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: I took a picture of our lists on our white boards.
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: So some of the things that the women mentioned, I
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: feel loved when you do the dishes, when you compliment me,
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: when you open the door for me, when you put
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: coffee on the nightstand or make the coffee the night
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: before so it's ready. When you say to me, I
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: love life with you. When you help handling situations like
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: hard situations that come into our lives. When he's like,
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: what do we need to do? How can I help you?
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: And then we ask the guys, how would you feel
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: this in I feel respected when you ask for help.
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: So sometimes we as women just want to act like
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: we're independent, and we are. We're independent, were strong, we
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: can figure out things mostly on our own. But they
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: feel respected when we ask them for help. You know,
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: when we admit we need help, when we communicate what's wrong.
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: You don't have to read our mind. We communicate when
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: we ask you to lead in prayer, Hey, will you
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: say a prayer over us? When we this one got
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: lots of stars? When we acknowledge your hard work, Yes,
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: you feel respected when we acknowledge your hard work, when
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: we hold your hand in public, when we say I
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: trust you. So anyway, those were just some simple, but
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: I think super profound things that you know, they shared
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: as an example last night of ways that we feel
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: loved and respected.
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: We had a good little spot to back the podcast
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: up and to listen to that again, and if you're
• 22:59
  Speaker 2: a man and listen to the women's saying how that
• 23:03
  Speaker 2: really made them feel loved when and then vice versa
• 23:07
  Speaker 2: and just just jot it down and then try to
• 23:10
  Speaker 2: try some of that. On this week, we talked. We
• 23:12
  Speaker 2: just talked about how so many people they know what
• 23:14
  Speaker 2: to do, they just don't do it.
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: I mean, that's just.
• 23:17
  Speaker 2: We're busy, we're tired, you know, or we you know,
• 23:21
  Speaker 2: the kids netflix our phones. We talked about the huge
• 23:25
  Speaker 2: distraction of the phone yea, and how we really really
• 23:29
  Speaker 2: have to put that down. We talked about the importance
• 23:33
  Speaker 2: of going out and spending five to ten minutes just
• 23:37
  Speaker 2: totally again no phone, uninterrupted, looking the spouse in the eye,
• 23:40
  Speaker 2: and how a little can go a long way. Yes,
• 23:43
  Speaker 2: a little can go a long way. But we were
• 23:45
  Speaker 2: just saying, you know, most of the kids, kids, most
• 23:50
  Speaker 2: of the couples who came, they said, it's so easy
• 23:57
  Speaker 2: once we break it down, and we talked like, wow,
• 23:59
  Speaker 2: this stuff is not that hard and it's so good,
• 24:03
  Speaker 2: they said, when we are reminded at a deal like this,
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: and so again, listen to the podcast, read the books. Yeah,
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: come to the marriage conference, go to a retreat. But
• 24:14
  Speaker 2: the fact is, always have this stuff, whatever it is,
• 24:18
  Speaker 2: have it in the forefront of your mind, because when
• 24:20
  Speaker 2: you don't, it starts to slip.
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: Sure, yeah, yeah, it could be one of the first
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: things to go, even though it's you know, one of
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: the most important things that you can pour your time
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: and energy into is you know. And one thing I
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: think we get backwards is especially when we start having kids,
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: it's super easy like the greasy no, the oily, what squeaky? Sorry? Sorry,
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: the squeaky wheel gets the grease and the squeaky wheels
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: are generally our kids because they're just you know, crying
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: out for whatever they need. And so at a very
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: early point after having kids, we start pouring everything, all
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: of our time and energy into the kids and all
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: of their activities and all that they need, and we
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: really lose that connection with our spouse, you know. So
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: I think to remember, your relationship with your spouse should
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: even come before your relationship with the kids. You are
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: mom and dad. I mean, I'm sorry, you are husband
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: and wife before you are mom and dad. And so
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: I think, you know, we get all that twisted. And
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: no wonder why, you know, kids all start getting to
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: the age where they you know, fly the coop, they
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: leave the nest and the parents are like, who are you?
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: And I don't I don't feel like like what you
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: said earlier, I love you, but I'm not in love
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: with you. You're like, okay, So it's really important to
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: shore up that relationship to keep it strong, not just oh,
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: the kids are getting bigger, we better hurry and fix
• 26:01
  Speaker 1: things like do some repairs along the way, you know,
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: to keep that love alive, to keep the spark alive.
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: And it's much easier than we think. We think, oh,
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: we start making excuses because we just kind of don't
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: want to pour time or energy into it. But you think, well,
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: we don't have money. If we had money, we could
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: go on some big trip, you know what, go to
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: your backyard or you know, you we don't have a
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: lot of time. If you only knew our work schedule,
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: do you have ten minutes where you've scrolled on your
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: phone today? Use that ten minutes to look your spouse
• 26:41
  Speaker 1: in the eye.
• 26:41
  Speaker 2: You know. It was cool hearing from a couple of
• 26:44
  Speaker 2: the couples that have that came to the first workshop
• 26:47
  Speaker 2: and what they had implemented between the two and they
• 26:50
  Speaker 2: came back and that was really it's like, hey, y'all
• 26:52
  Speaker 2: came back. That's so cool. But it was. It was
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: because they actually had some practical tools. And that's that's
• 26:58
  Speaker 2: really what I was trying to high. It's doing the things. Yes,
• 27:02
  Speaker 2: it's the kid that I'm talking to. Who you know,
• 27:05
  Speaker 2: I say, kid, he's you know, twenty three, twenty four.
• 27:07
  Speaker 2: But like every single week when we get back on
• 27:11
  Speaker 2: a call, he has already read the last book recommendation,
• 27:16
  Speaker 2: he's halfway through the next one. And he listened to
• 27:19
  Speaker 2: that podcast episode and he went and researched the doctor
• 27:24
  Speaker 2: about the neuroplasticity and how to beat anxiety. It's just
• 27:28
  Speaker 2: so cool when they literally are going, I'm in man,
• 27:31
  Speaker 2: when the student's ready to teacher appears, just do the thing.
• 27:34
  Speaker 2: So again, it just takes a I say, you know,
• 27:37
  Speaker 2: none of us are that disciplined. You just have to
• 27:39
  Speaker 2: be disciplined long enough to start a good habit. And
• 27:42
  Speaker 2: some of these things you just okay, yeah, all right,
• 27:47
  Speaker 2: I've heard them talk about that, and okay, yeah we're
• 27:49
  Speaker 2: supposed to do that or yeah that would be nice.
• 27:51
  Speaker 2: But then we're creatures of habit. So then the night
• 27:54
  Speaker 2: rolls around and we just right, we have dinner, We
• 27:57
  Speaker 2: go sit and PLoP down we get on our phone,
• 27:59
  Speaker 2: turn on Netflix, and that's so easy to do. So
• 28:03
  Speaker 2: I'm just encouraging people take one thing that you heard
• 28:06
  Speaker 2: and go try it, like literally, go practice that thing
• 28:10
  Speaker 2: until it becomes a happy yeah.
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: Along with what you were just saying. The guy I
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: love the couple that we have been meeting with, premarital couple,
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: and he shared, like, we're really you know, it's maybe
• 28:25
  Speaker 1: our third or fourth time to meet with them, and
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: we just asked how they were doing, and he said, man,
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: we're really doing good. He said, all I can really
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: attribute it to is because we've been meeting with you
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: guys weekly. This is on the forefront. We are on
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: the forefront of our minds, and so some of the
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: things that we've talked about we are implementing and putting
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: into practice. And he said, for example, this week, he said,
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: it just hit me we weren't really doing anything. It
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: was an evening and it hit me, you know what,
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: she loves to dance, and we're going to dance at
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: the wedding. So what would happen if I just went
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: over and turned on some music and just grabbed her
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: up and we just started dancing in the den and
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: they did, and she teared up when he talked about it,
• 29:17
  Speaker 1: you know, and just how much that meant. But you know,
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: in the moment, you could do a million other things
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: besides going to turn on the music. And I mean,
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: it feels wonky, it feels awkward and weird and like,
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: oh is this stupid or goofy, But it meant the
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: world to her enough to where that's the thing that
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: they wanted to share with us. So I just I
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: think that's so cool when couples hear something and then
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: they start to put it into practice.
• 29:47
  Speaker 2: Even you just talking about this vision meeting and wanting
• 29:52
  Speaker 2: to take the notes and you know, I called them flashcards,
• 29:56
  Speaker 2: you were, but you leave the little three x five
• 29:59
  Speaker 2: card with the the things that I wanted to work
• 30:02
  Speaker 2: on for my personal for home and for long haul marriage.
• 30:06
  Speaker 2: And it just keeps me accountable. It literally holds me
• 30:10
  Speaker 2: accountable throughout the week. And the fact that we just
• 30:12
  Speaker 2: keep doing that, like and I mean having the vision
• 30:15
  Speaker 2: meeting on Sunday mornings, that's such a huge thing and
• 30:19
  Speaker 2: it could just easily go by the wayside. It's like, oh, yeah,
• 30:22
  Speaker 2: we know we're supposed to pray together, but not pray
• 30:24
  Speaker 2: but like now that we are praying together and we're
• 30:27
  Speaker 2: having that vision, we're seeing again. I'm getting to know
• 30:30
  Speaker 2: you in a different way. I feel like our intimacy
• 30:33
  Speaker 2: has grown so much. But yeah, seeing you as a person,
• 30:37
  Speaker 2: that sounds so Goody. You're not just my wife or
• 30:39
  Speaker 2: the mother of my kids. Are me me? You know,
• 30:41
  Speaker 2: to the grand kids, You're actually Jamie And I'm getting
• 30:45
  Speaker 2: to know you in a different way, in a new way.
• 30:48
  Speaker 2: And I got to be honest, my stomach is not
• 30:51
  Speaker 2: feeling great. I'm swallowing hard. So guys, be praying and
• 30:59
  Speaker 2: by the time you hear of this, uh you know.
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: This too shall pass. Literally gosh.
• 31:07
  Speaker 2: So we're gonna cut this one right here.
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: That's good.
• 31:10
  Speaker 2: We uh yeah, we hope that you, uh you know,
• 31:14
  Speaker 2: take something away from this. Love has nothing to do
• 31:16
  Speaker 2: with luck. Luck has nothing to do with love, and
• 31:19
  Speaker 2: be looking forward to our next workshop. We're looking for one,
• 31:23
  Speaker 2: possibly in April. We're gonna be doing one in July obviously. Well,
• 31:27
  Speaker 2: we'll keep you all posted on social media. Keep tuning
• 31:30
  Speaker 2: in and thank you to everyone who's tuning in weekly
• 31:34
  Speaker 2: to this podcast, And thank you to all of our donors.
• 31:37
  Speaker 2: We could not do without you. We love you, guys Han,
• 32:00
  Speaker 2: several cans