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Why Your Ex Really Texts You Again · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:07
  Most people think when their ex reaches out, it's because they
• 0:11
  want to get back together. Nope, not even close.
• 0:17
  I'm going to tell you the real reason your ex suddenly messages
• 0:21
  you, calls you, shows up at your door, or starts crying about the
• 0:26
  past. And here's the thing, sometimes
• 0:30
  it does mean they want to come back, but only if it fits a very
• 0:35
  specific pattern. So let's find out what's really
• 0:39
  happening with your ex when they reach out because most people
• 0:44
  think, oh, it's because they want to come back.
• 0:46
  But as you'll see, a lot of the time, that's not the reason.
• 0:50
  Hi, this is Lucia with The Art of Love.
• 0:53
  I'm a dating and relationship expert specializing in helping
• 0:56
  you get your ex back or to get over your ex.
• 0:58
  And welcome back my beautiful no contact Army.
• 1:01
  Have you been a good little soldier and stayed in no
• 1:04
  contact? If you have, then you've
• 1:06
  downloaded my app Silencio to help you with that task.
• 1:10
  And the link for that is underneath every single video
• 1:13
  and podcast. And if you too would like to
• 1:15
  join our army, just hit the subscribe button and the bell
• 1:19
  notification and you're in. And to read our manual, go to
• 1:22
  nocontactsecrets.com, where you can read 2 free chapters before
• 1:26
  you purchase the book. OK, so let's start with the most
• 1:31
  misunderstood piece first. So when your ex reaches out
• 1:37
  suddenly, intensely or emotionally, it's rarely because
• 1:42
  they sat down and thought, you know what?
• 1:44
  I want a healthy relationship again with my ex.
• 1:46
  Yeah, no, it's because they're emotionally flooded.
• 1:53
  And the reason I decided to make this video is because in the
• 1:57
  last, I'd say 7 to 10 days, four of my clients have heard from
• 2:03
  their exes. And they all had the same
• 2:07
  experience where the X was emotionally flooded.
• 2:11
  And so they were confused because the X was expressing all
• 2:16
  kinds of emotions. And so they thought, oh, well,
• 2:20
  for sure they want to get back together.
• 2:22
  And then the X pulled back. So I want to make sure you don't
• 2:26
  don't get caught up and don't get confused.
• 2:29
  So when I say emotionally flooded, what that means is that
• 2:33
  when someone gets overwhelmed, so they feel guilt, loneliness,
• 2:38
  regret, jealousy, stress, nostalgia, their nervous system
• 2:42
  starts looking for relief. You know, just because someone
• 2:45
  breaks up with you, it doesn't mean they're totally fine with
• 2:48
  it. They're they're totally happy.
• 2:49
  You know, they're going to skip off into the sunset, and they
• 2:52
  are 100% on board with it. No, they're going through their
• 2:55
  own pain, too, most of the time. And so they're looking for
• 3:00
  relief, as I said. And that relief comes from the
• 3:03
  place that it feels familiar, predictable, safe.
• 3:08
  Who could that be? Oh, yeah, that would be you.
• 3:12
  So when your ex sends you emotional messages, calls you
• 3:16
  out of the blue, all of a sudden shows up in person, shares
• 3:20
  something heavy like a death or health issue, starts crying or
• 3:25
  reminiscing about what could have been, that's not clarity.
• 3:29
  That's flooding. They're not thinking about their
• 3:32
  relationship, they're thinking about their feelings.
• 3:36
  And you are their emotional pressure valve.
• 3:41
  And here's the thing, being someone's emotional outlet is
• 3:45
  not the same as being their partner.
• 3:48
  Just because they're using you to regulate their nervous
• 3:52
  system, it doesn't mean they want to get back together.
• 3:56
  And that's where a lot of people make the mistake and think that
• 3:59
  the X does want to get back together.
• 4:01
  No, they actually need to say it and say it very clearly because
• 4:08
  emotional exes don't speak in straight lines.
• 4:11
  So they'll say something like we're perfect together, but I
• 4:14
  can't promise you anything. I'll always love you, but I need
• 4:17
  to move forward. I miss you, but I'm not ready.
• 4:21
  So these contradictions aren't random.
• 4:24
  This is the message. Mixed messages are the message.
• 4:29
  If you're getting mixed messages, that doesn't mean
• 4:32
  they're ready to get back together.
• 4:34
  It means they're conflicted. So they're romantically pulled
• 4:38
  towards you, but they're also terrified of the responsibility
• 4:44
  or the accountability or the change that the relationship is
• 4:48
  going to require. So they want the feeling of you,
• 4:53
  but the not the work of being with you.
• 4:56
  So don't mistake emotional intensity for commitment.
• 5:00
  It's a trap, Watch out. It's a trap.
• 5:03
  Watch out. So let's talk about something
• 5:06
  that XS do constantly, and that is they send things like hey, or
• 5:14
  a nostalgic picture thinking of you, a song, a private joke, a
• 5:20
  random question, usually a very random question where you're
• 5:23
  like, what the heck? Where'd that come from?
• 5:26
  Yeah, this is all a test they want to see.
• 5:31
  Will you respond how fast, how warm, how emotional, how
• 5:36
  available? So this isn't romance.
• 5:40
  It's a control check. And it reassures them that even
• 5:44
  if they're not with you, they still have access to you.
• 5:48
  Because people who really want to get back together, they don't
• 5:52
  test you. And what they do is they take
• 5:55
  responsibility and they communicate clearly.
• 5:58
  But we'll get to that in a minute.
• 6:01
  Now, here's something you probably don't want to hear.
• 6:06
  Sometimes when your ex contacts you, they'll have emotional
• 6:09
  stories like a death, a crisis, a medical problem, a meltdown.
• 6:14
  And this is meant to soften you now, not always consciously, but
• 6:19
  emotionally. People know that when they share
• 6:21
  something tragic, you don't want to be the bad guy or the bad
• 6:25
  girl, and you're not going to be able to hold boundaries and
• 6:30
  you're not going to push back. And so they get instant
• 6:33
  Symphony. I knew I was going to mess up
• 6:35
  the word sympathy. They get a Symphony of music all
• 6:39
  of a sudden, no sympathy, instant closeness, instant
• 6:45
  forgiveness. And suddenly they feel better
• 6:48
  while you feel responsible. So This is why you often hear
• 6:53
  your ex say something like, well, I need to move forward or
• 6:56
  this is too much or I can't let this consume me.
• 6:59
  So they open the floodgates and then they shut the door just
• 7:03
  because they feel exposed. So that's avoidance.
• 7:06
  That is not reconciliation. Now let's talk about the
• 7:11
  exception because yes, sometimes your ex does mean something
• 7:16
  real. And here's how to know if they
• 7:19
  actually want to get back together.
• 7:21
  They're consistent. So it's not one emotional day.
• 7:25
  It's not 2 calls. It's not a meltdown at midnight.
• 7:30
  It's consistent, calm, steady communication.
• 7:35
  And they're going to take accountability.
• 7:37
  So they'll say things like I've looked at my part in what
• 7:40
  happened, I understand what I did and I'm working on it.
• 7:44
  I don't expect you to jump in. I just want to show up
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  differently. So see how there's no blame, no
• 7:50
  excuses, no guilt tripping, and they make real life changes and
• 7:57
  promises. So they get therapy, they change
• 8:00
  their behavior, they make amends if they have to, and they
• 8:05
  address the issues that broke the relationship.
• 8:09
  Also they end all other romantic involvement.
• 8:14
  So no rebounds, no situation ships.
• 8:18
  No I'm confused. Someone who truly wants you does
• 8:23
  not keep a safety net. And also they're going to talk
• 8:27
  about the future with clarity. Not pressure, not fantasy, not
• 8:32
  we were perfect, but actual willingness to rebuild.
• 8:36
  That's what real reconciliation looks like.
• 8:38
  Everything else is emotion, not intention.
• 8:43
  So what should you do? Well, if your ex is emotional,
• 8:49
  confused, and inconsistent, then you need to stay calm, neutral,
• 8:55
  and slightly distant. If your ex is steady,
• 8:59
  accountable, and intentional, then you match their pace, but
• 9:04
  slowly. Because the biggest mistake that
• 9:07
  people make is assuming that emotion equals commitment.
• 9:11
  No emotion is easy. Consistency is rare.
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  Just because you see emotion does not mean they want to get
• 9:20
  back together. Silence, boundaries, and
• 9:24
  emotional control don't push your ex away.
• 9:27
  They actually reveal their real intentions and if the connection
• 9:32
  is real, they're going to step up with clarity.
• 9:35
  And if it's not, then your silence frees you.
• 9:39
  Either way, you win. Got it?
• 9:43
  So now I want to hear from you. Have you heard from your ex and
• 9:46
  if so, what happened? Let us know below and if you
• 9:51
  would like my help to get your ex back you can contact me at
• 9:54
  theartoflove.net/coaching and we will send you the rates.
• 9:58
  They are not on the website and the link to that is underneath
• 10:02
  every single video and podcast. If you found this video helpful,
• 10:06
  hit the subscribe button and if you are listening to this as a
• 10:10
  podcast, you can also subscribe so you don't miss future
• 10:13
  episodes. And finally, remember, love
• 10:15
  inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.