Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 247. Flashback Friday - Turning hate into personal power 🤜

Transcript

247. Flashback Friday - Turning hate into personal power 🤜 · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Appogiae Production. Welcome to the shep Risers Podcast. I'm Ashy
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana. This podcast is about female empowerment.
• 0:16
  Speaker 2: And encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest, and most
• 0:19
  Speaker 2: authentic version of yourself.
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: else is too afraid to talk about.
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: Get ready for your next level of self.
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: So obviously mine is more being online. When I get
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: a lot of hate and negative comments come my way,
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: I feel the need to respond and share my story
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: and defend myself and explain to them. But you've kind
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: of taught me that I don't need to do that anymore,
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: which has been really nice. In the last six months,
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: I've been practicing that, and I still have to consciously
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: practice that. And sometimes if I get a comment, I'll
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: send it to Tiana be like, helps the worst, What
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: would you respond to this? Because I can feel my
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: back get up sometimes because I'm like, Wow, that's not true,
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: and how dare you come onto my page and say
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: that assumption about me? Whether it's publicly or privately. It
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: gets me really triggered and really upset and I think
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: because I've dealt with it for so long over the years,
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: it is just a hairline trigger, Like it doesn't take
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: much depending on what it's about. But when it's something
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: fresh online that I'm navigating, I find it really hard.
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: What is your communication style and how do you navigate this?
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: Because you've taught me a lot, I'd love for you
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: to teach to everyone else, because everyone deals with bullies
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: online offline at some point in their life.
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: Love that firstly, I just wanted to say as well,
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: it's also giving yourself some leeway and some leniency with
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: that as well. You've been dealing with this for such
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: a long time, and I can only imagine how it
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: would feel to have people constantly nitpick at what you do,
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: your actions, your behaviors, everything that you know is kind
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: of online anyway. So it's like those triggers are so
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: valid for being there, and it's like I feel the
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: same way as well, you know, whereas like the whole
• 1:59
  Speaker 2: situation of communication, when people have something to say, I
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: think everyone is going to have their opinion at the
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: end of the day. On social media or in person,
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: people are going to say what they think, and sometimes
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: people don't care how that impacts other people. But the
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: only thing that we can control, and I think this
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: is what I've taught myself, even from dealing with the
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: sex tape, is that people are going to have an
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: opinion about what you do, regardless of how you try
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: to paint yourself. So it doesn't matter how much you
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: try to prove, defend, explain, or try to reason with
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: the unreasonable, You're never going to get the response that
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: you want. And so all you can do in that
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: time and in that moment, and at least this is
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: what I've done in my journey, is respond in a
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: way that you would be proud of, yes, And that's
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: honestly what's helped me. So even in the moments where
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: people have said things to my face about the sex tape,
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: said things behind my back, whispered things as I'm walking past,
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: message me on fake accounts, all I can do in
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: those moments is respond in the way that I'd be
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: proud of, in the way that I know myself to be.
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: There's nothing that you can say that we'll ever convince
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: someone to see you in a way that they're committed
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: to misunderstanding you. You know, that's powerful, and I think
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: just you've done such a beautiful job already at growing
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: that because you have, you wanted to learn and grow
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: to how to not be you know, reactive in moments
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: where you feel triggered. But it also is hard as well.
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: It's acknowledging that it's hard as well because you are
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: being faced with that stuff all the time. It's like
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: constantly being retriggered with an open wound.
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: I just think everybody gets to have an opinion. I
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: think there's a way to deliver and communicate things, and
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: you can stand up for yourself without judging that person,
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: without attacking their character, without being an asshole, without being
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: passive aggressive. There are going to be things that come
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: up for you. We're not going to handle it perfectly
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: all the time. I absolutely don't, and I tell you
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: ten years ago I absolutely did not do this. But
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: now it's just about responding and not defending. Yeah, it
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: also ties into having a voice. For example, what I
• 3:59
  Speaker 2: believe is that when you're trying to communicate with somebody
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: and they're not hearing you, or you know that they're
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: not going to respond in the way that you want
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: them to, you don't need them to. It's not even
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: about that person. It's about you. Yeah, it's about having
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: a voice and being like this person can have an opinion,
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: but so can I, and I get to have an
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: opinion in this and I get to voice what it
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: is that I think. And if this person is saying
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: something to me that I don't like, I have every
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: right to come back and say, respectfully, I don't appreciate
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: what it is that you're saying to me. I don't
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: appreciate the way that you just spoke to me. I
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: don't appreciate the tone that you just came at me with.
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: So it's not about being combative or being a bitch
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: or trying to create like chaos or anything like that.
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: It's none of that. It actually, at least for me,
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: is just about regardless of how this person is going
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: to respond, you were valid and worthy of having a voice.
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: That's been a big thing because I think I was
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: on one end of the scale reacting and wanting to
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: defend myself, and then on the other end of the scale,
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: I would delete because I didn't think my voice is
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: ever going to be heard, so I just would avoid. Yeah,
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: and then there was just a couple of comments that
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: came through over the last couple of months revolving you
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: and I and this podcast or different things, and I
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: would be triggered and say this is really upsetting me,
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: and you're like, leave it there. We can respond in
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: a beautiful way that acknowledges the situation, acknowledges what's going on,
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: but you're also allowed to stand in your power and
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: you're also allowed to honor your pain whilst holding theirs
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: and just being really cool to watch the way that
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: you communicate, And it's really helped me reflect on my communication.
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: I think I've just grown so much from that, but
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: it's still a practice for me. It's not something that
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, all of a sudden, I got this,
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: because I think for you it does come more natural
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: now to respond in that way because you've practiced that
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: for so many years. And I think we can all
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: improve on the way we communicate with our partners, with
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: our friends, with our kids. We lose patience, and you know,
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: the biggest thing for me too, has been just allowing
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: a bit of space when it comes in and the
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: trigger comes up, a little bit of space to regulate
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: myself again, never respond when you're instantly triggered. Yeah, and
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: just regulated because nine out of ten times it's not
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: going to come out. Hey, you'd be proud of how
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: you would like you to be seen. That's the key. Yeah,
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: you'd be in regret or it would just add more
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: fuel to the fire. So just giving yourself that space
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: that everyone doesn't need to be responded to in an instant.
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: For me online too, which we've had conversations around. Sometimes
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: if I can see they've made their mind up about me,
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: they are full projection, they're not open to having a conversation,
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: I do deleting block because it's a boundary for me.
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: I actually, you don't deserve any of my energy if
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: you're not even willing to hear my side or be
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: open that there's two sides to a story, or you
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: make that assumption up about my relationship with my kids,
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: or you're questioning my character, or sometimes I'm just like no, yeah,
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: and you're coming from a fake profile with no photo,
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: no name, you're not even going to show your face.
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: I don't even know who I'm talking to. So there's
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: boundaries around it as well. But it's just very cool
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: practice when these things arise, and everyone listening can implement
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: this into your life every time you come across someone
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: that has an opinion or says something mean or negative,
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: or criticizes you or your kids, or your relationship or
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: your work. How do you respond? How do you react?
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: Where's your nervous system at on a one to ten?
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: Are you about to blow up? Or you're at a five,
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: or you're to three and you can still Breathe bring
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: yourself back down to be a two or three. If
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: you're feeling on fire up here, about to burst, just
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: give that little bit of space, and it could only
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: be a minute of just actually going to the bathroom
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: and taking some big breaths and then coming back and
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: being able to address it.