Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Your Husband Wants You To Take Charge In Bed And Here's Why

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Your Husband Wants You To Take Charge In Bed And Here's Why · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

0:05
Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
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Psych mom show today. I am going to be talking about
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why your husband wants you to take charge in bed what this
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looks like and how this is really a common thing among men
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that women don't really know about as much as they should
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before we get to that, please do subscribe.
0:25
The most recent subscriber episode was how you could also
0:29
have sex when you're not feeling close and that used to be a
0:33
thing. And it As useful when it was a
0:35
thing. Mostly, you know, and made
0:39
people feel closer, just like many other activities that you
0:43
do even when you're not feeling close and then you feel closer
0:46
after them. So please do subscribe for that.
0:48
And the upcoming one is, yes, you should interact with a soft
0:51
penis. So, you know, we really run the
0:54
gamut there, okay? So moving on the most common
0:59
fantasy that men really have that they share about their
1:04
Judges. I mean, you know, the young guys
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is different have like a threesome fantasy or something,
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but like that, that's even like more kinky.
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The most like, real-life kinds of exciting couple fantasy that
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men have usually is that the woman takes charge which is
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pretty simple and common, but it isn't really something that
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happens when women have kind of no idea about sex and neither
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the guys and this Ation. I've discussed repeatedly and
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podcast like your partner has no idea what they really like, Etc
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people, vastly overestimate, their Partners experience and
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knowledge base about sex. And especially women tend to
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overestimate, what men know about sex and men do know about
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some more ideas. But that doesn't mean that
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they've dumb them or that they have any sort of real expertise
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in them. So this is how you get to
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Situations where people have been married, 20 years and the
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wife is never initiated sex. She thinks she's initiated sex,
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but she's not really initiated sex because initiating sex
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isn't, you know, saying maybe we could go upstairs later like
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that's not an issue during sex. It kind of is.
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But but I mean, if anything is a real casual lowball version of
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that, and what a guy wants is for the woman to grab him and to
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touch him and to start kissing him, and to take off her
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clothes, Take off his clothes, you know, say get into bed, you
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know, do this do that and like women often find this idea
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pretty repugnant because of lack of confidence primarily so they
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don't really know what they're doing and then they think that
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they would look stupid or they would be acting like a porn star
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when they're not one and it isn't really that.
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I mean like kind of you tell him what to do all the rest of the
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damn time you know. So it's not it's not like
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shouldn't be super far outside your For don't.
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The other problem is that the women have the idea that the man
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is like, supposed to be that person even if he's that person
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that initiates, most of the time everybody wants to feel pursued.
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So he would want to be to feel pursued sometimes.
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At least another reason that men want this is because, you know,
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it a lot of men have this Workhorse mentality where
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they're just the provider and they pay the bills and
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especially if there are the primary or the Sole Breadwinner.
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They feel that that is kind of why you got them, and no matter
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how much you're attracted to them, they it's kind of like
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they can't believe it unless they see you pursue them
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sexually similar to how no matter how much your husband,
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you know, does bring home the paycheck and take care of the
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bills, and take care of the house and do whatever you are
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not going to believe, he loves you, unless he does romantic
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gestures, right? So he could say like that, he
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loves you and that that's represented by the fact that he
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is faithful and committed. You, you know, the family and to
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you, but if he doesn't specifically, say things like
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you look beautiful. I love you.
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You are wonderful, and he doesn't do romantic gestures.
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And he doesn't look at you with love.
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He doesn't do whatever your equivalent is and you're really
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not going to believe that he's not into you.
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You're going to think that he just basically wanted a mother
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of his kids and somebody you like, you know, does his laundry
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or whatever your grievances are that make you feel like a
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Workhorse. So the way to make your spouse
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not feel. Feel like a Workhorse or like,
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you just want them for practical, things is to make
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them have this magical land where things happen that they
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always wanted to happen. And for men, it's romance and I
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have a podcast coming up called wait, how do you expect to get
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laid? If you're not loving and I
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talked about this, a lot that men have to be more romantic.
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More, empathic more communicative, more
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complementary less difficult etcetera.
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But women have to understand that for men, The big one is
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being pursued sexually. So I mean, if you, if your
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husband has ever said that, he wants you to take charge in the
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bedroom or like he wishes, you would pursue him or he wants you
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to initiate or whatever. I mean, there's levels of this.
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I mean you could be somebody who doesn't really even initiate
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kisses or hugs and then it would be good to start there.
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And to come over and cuddle and to come over and give a kiss or
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to initiate a make-out session. If it feels incredibly awkward
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and based on how you were raised about sex and whether You were
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raised in a super sex - household and religion, or
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whatever. Then it may feel, like,
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literally something you could never do to say, you know, like,
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I want to fuck you. Like that would seem insane.
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But okay. So fine.
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So to some people that seems like a bridge too far but to
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other people. They're like, that's it.
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That's all I have to do to make my husband.
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Happy cool. Like I'll text him right now so
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great. So yes like that, that's good.
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You should definitely do that if you But if it's a bridge too
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far, even just coming over and kissing him or say, you look
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cute today or grabbing his ass or touching his chest or
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touching his back, anything that you can do is better than doing
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nothing. If you've, if you've really, if
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you really do a self inventory right now and you're like, wow,
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I really do nothing. You know, I really never go over
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or the only times when I do. I make it very kind of like
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childlike. Really like, you know, like out,
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I like Pat him on the shoulder. Something like if he's seems sad
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or or some women, and this is like unintentional, and it's
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derived from real discomfort around adult romantic intimacy.
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They'll kind of infantilize the husband whenever he has a need,
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you know, so they'll be like, oh, does somebody need to cuddle
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or something like in kind of a patronizing way.
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If the guy comes over to touch we're like you, somebody Being a
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bad day and I'm not seeing like cute little baby talk.
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Like if that's how you talk to each other.
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But there's some women, I kind of uniformly, always infantilize
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the man when he wants any sort of physical comfort and that's
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done because the woman herself is so uncomfortable with like
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the adult intimate relationship. That's like so difficult for
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her. And so aversive, you know,
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because of often You know, a profound discomfort with sex.
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With, with men, with relationships.
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This is kind of like relates to the podcast that I have on when
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women are scared or disgusted by male desire.
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And that's a frequent consequence of an abuse history
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or a very very negative view on sex.
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Espoused at home or on men. All right, so sometimes women do
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that. So if you recognize yourself in
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that like you could stop doing that right now like that's nasty
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to do. You don't mean it to be nasty.
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You mean it to be able to give the Comfort without kind of
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just, totally, you know, cringing and curling up in a
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ball. But if you are like kind of
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disgusted or really, really made awkward and, and and
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uncomfortable by your husband eating physical affection, then
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that would be something to pursue and therapy because
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that's sort of reaction. Whether it's fear, disgust a
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version, you know? And and you'll know if this is
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also something that just dropped off, right after the honeymoon
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phase, He's right after that, drunk, new love thing.
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Maybe you could do it in the beginning, but then it
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immediately stopped it stopped before your whole history of
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empathic ruptures, you know, and honestly it doesn't matter
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whether he's being good or bad or whatever.
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It's really just something gross and weird to you.
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Then that's something to explore an individual therapy, right?
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Because that's not healthy. In your kids are watching you
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kind of distance yourself from your fault from their father in
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this kind of patronizing way, that is me, it's no more.
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It's no less mean than when women are like.
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Alright, let's go upstairs and do it.
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Seems like you need to, you know, have your, you know,
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session of release. So let's go have sex, you know?
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Fine. Like that's nasty obviously to
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and some women don't even realize that's nasty because
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they've been raised to think that men are just these kind of
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like machines that need to ejaculate every so often and and
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it's just like another kind of chore to do.
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And so they are being willing and that's you know, good and
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the guy should appreciate that. But it's not like that.
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Like that's only how people who are really, really messed up
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around sex. Think, you know, is that a man
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is just a Jackie Elation machine that needs to do that every so
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often. So I've, you know, talked about
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that super much about how sex is is is about closeness play
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connection, exploration. Not just about the ejaculation
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which your husband. I don't know how stupid he is
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but he is not too stupid to know how to jerk off.
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So I mean he's already got that base cover.
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Anyway. So so anyway, what I was trying
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to say is there are many ways to initiate sex and to take charge.
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So let's say you're not big on talking, you could do something
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like, you know, pushing him a little bit, like back onto the
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bed, you know, people like that you could go on top of him.
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When you never go on top of him, you could initiate the position
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change just as much as women don't like the porn Montage, sex
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men, do like it. So If you want to do something
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nice and do the couple different positions as long as it ends up
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and you enjoying yourself and having any of the sex that you
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want, at some point in the interaction, then why not, you
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know, do a few new positions, fine.
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He likes that wearing lingerie. Another silent way to take
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charge in the bedroom if you need a silent one because it's
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too uncomfortable to speak, if you are more exploratory and you
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are really quite honestly, just a woman with The higher sex
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drive and more open-minded and or more open-minded, you can use
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a blindfold on him, you could tie them up with scarves or that
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ridiculous podcast with those Christian women, the bear
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marriage. They said that it is the
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patriarchy to use your silk scarves.
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So he should go to the Dollar Store and get his own fabric to
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tie himself up with they were whatever.
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I mean, that was nuts. Oh, but yes, you can use
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anybody's clothing of any sort he will.
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Not complain if it's his ties or whatever you use but but yeah,
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and you could do things like that.
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You can also like look up like if you're really into it you
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could look up BDSM stuff you know and what it is to be a
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Dominatrix and what kind of clothes you would wear for that?
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You don't have to do it all the time.
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Doing this like once ever would be nice.
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You know, for a man that has never ever experienced anything
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like that and you got to understand that statistically
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Make your husband is somebody who has never ever experienced.
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Most things. There are a million things to do
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in the bedroom and I know your husband may have had some
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one-night stands when he was a frat boy.
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But I'll tell you what they were and very exciting because that's
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not what sexually is in your 20s.
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Besides if you're in a multiple stage encounter, so again and I
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really want to hammer home this point because a lot of people
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this is new info for them. A lot of people are like, yeah,
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my My husband he's slept with like, you know, like 20 women,
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all right. But unless he's slept with 20
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women for a year each and they all had a lot of experience
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before him, he still hasn't done like even 10% of what there is
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to do in like the gamut of sex, you know, because he had like a
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bunch of different women do probably the same thing that he
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was supposed to initiate to. It's like a logic question here.
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Like how could he have done anything different if most
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women, expect the man to initiate.
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So, basically, whatever he learns to do with one, he tries
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to do it the next One because he doesn't want to not please her.
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So if it's like, you know, very superstitious superstitious
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pigeon, if a pigeon turns in a circle before packing, a lever
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in a lab experiment, they'll always think they have to turn
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in a circle before pecking. The lever they never understand,
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it's just pecking, the lever. So if your husband's first
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girlfriend in high school liked him to, you know, touch her
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breasts, a certain way, he's going to try that move with
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every woman for the rest of his life and it's not your fault.
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You don't like it, but you got to train him something else, you
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know. But a lot of women, In
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misunderstand. And when the guy comes in with
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any sort of routine or agenda which is easily, perceptible men
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who are listening that it's obvious, when you have it, you
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know, a thing that you do, and then they assume okay, I guess
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this is what he likes, is nobody like to do fucking nobody likes.
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How does he know what he likes and you slept with every woman
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in the world? No, you know.
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So, part of being in a romantic relationship, a sexual
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relationship is introducing each other to new things.
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So it is extremely likely If your husband is asking you to
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take charge in bed, he has never really been with any woman who
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has or maybe one woman did it once but like he still doesn't
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understand or maybe one woman, did it a lot but he could still
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learn so much more about himself and his actual responses.
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And if you do something that is new to a man, they're going to
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like love you forever. It's like the that imprinting
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like if a duckling is just born, it sees the mother duck walking
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then it's going to follow the mother duck, right?
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If it sees a row. A robot walking.
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It's going to follow the robot or like any other animal.
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There's like cute videos of this because that's their imprinting
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stage. They are made to imprint after
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their mother. So they that's their critical
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window of development where they follow what they see.
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Well, if you introduce your husband to some new shit that he
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really likes in bed, he will be like that duckling and he will
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love you forever. And of course this is also, you
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know much more important in the dating phase because that is a
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really easy way to get a man to really Stay with you.
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And it's that shallow is just like shows that you're a certain
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kind of person to, you know, like if, if you give a man like
15:13
a wonderful sexual experience, or a woman for that matter,
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quite honestly, especially a younger woman, you give them a
15:20
wonderful sexual experience. They are going to be a lot more
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committed to you. You know, at least committed to
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seeing you more and that's what I talk about in my podcast.
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Like of course men call like this idea that men don't call
15:33
after sex is crazy. They don't cause they don't like
15:35
the sex. If they do like the second, you
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can't shake them. They call all the time.
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So you know what you want to do is try to do something with a
15:44
full heart, that your husband likes, and usually it's this and
15:48
especially if you've not done this.
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Now, your husband's one of these weird people and I do hear of
15:52
them sometimes that when the woman initiate sex, they don't
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like it. Well, then your husband has his
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own weird fucked-up problems, around sex.
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It's not your fault. And probably he's very difficult
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and rigid and other It's also a probably he has very negative
16:06
associations with sex. So you know or there's more
16:10
going on like you have an extremely unhappy marriage or
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he's not attracted. So or he's just like super,
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super conventional and rigid and his mind that the mail always
16:21
must initiate. But I see this like almost never
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and usually with very low sex drive men, who are very, you
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know, conflicted about sex generally, it is good advice to
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try to initiate in a more take. Charge dominant way, and the guy
16:36
will really like it because it is so outside, the norm shows
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that you really love him, that you really care that you're
16:42
open-minded and willing to try new things and you're trying to
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give him a wonderful experience in addition to just being very
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sexually exciting and very similar to fantasies that he has
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because men know that they don't know everything in bed.
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So the fantasy and why men like this whole Mill fantasy when
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they're young is that a woman will teach them something so
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cause they don't know everything.
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They don't want to have to know everything.
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It's very stressful to be a man that doesn't have a lot of
17:07
experience and then hook up with women who are looking to you to
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have experience, you don't have the experience but you gotta act
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like you do. So if you're in a position where
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you don't have to take charge where you're the more submissive
17:20
partner, then that whole thing goes away, you don't have to be
17:23
moving the encounter forward. You don't have to be thinking
17:26
about what I'm supposed to start this or this and you have this
17:30
wonderful bonus of knowing what the woman like so if you do Take
17:34
charge. Why don't you take charge and do
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something that you really like or that you would want him to do
17:39
for you? If you feel like it would sound
17:41
cool to have a blindfold on then show him what you like by
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putting a blindfold on him. Then say next time we could do
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that for me or whatever. And again for some people this
17:50
is not a first baby step. The first baby step would be
17:53
coming up and kissing coming up and hugging coming up and
17:56
grabbing coming up and grabbing them anywhere.
17:58
I have the podcast coming out. Yes, you should interact with
18:02
the soft penis, some women, think the man would be Our
18:04
stiff. When they touch the penis, it
18:06
isn't hard. She doesn't go around with a
18:08
hard-on old day. I mean, he's not an animal, you
18:11
know, like he's not like a fourteen-year-old taking
18:14
steroids or something, you know, well actually steroids would be
18:17
not the opposite problem taking Viagra, you know, he's not going
18:21
to have hard on all day. So if you've never touched a
18:23
soft penis and you haven't touched a penis enough, right?
18:25
So, anyway, this isn't a side that you could listen to it its
18:29
own podcast and I hope you got something out of this and that
18:33
it was a light bulb. Moment for at least one person.
18:36
And if you're a man listening to this, then you want to bring it
18:38
up. You could say to your wife, I
18:40
would like you to take charge more.
18:41
That would be so hot, you're so hot.
18:43
And I would just have this fantasy of you just taking
18:46
charge in the bedroom and like, doing new things or, you know,
18:50
whatever so try, you know, I mean, try to say that don't give
18:54
her my podcast on this one, unless she's already said, she's
18:58
like a big fan of Me. No woman needs to have somebody
19:02
chiding them from their perspective.
19:05
And get defensive about somebody saying.
19:07
Something they should do in bed with their husband.
19:09
It seems a little too personal and a little too attacking for
19:12
some people. So in that case, your wife's not
19:15
one of those people that wants the podcast.
19:16
So you bring it up like a big boy yourself.
19:19
You say, I want you to take charge in bed and then use some
19:22
of what you learn today for me to give examples.
19:26
So, that's how you can use this most productively in your
19:28
relationship. Those are operating
19:30
instructions. All right, I'll talk to you all
19:32
soon. Please do subscribe.
19:34
So you don't. Don't miss anything and see you
19:36
next time.