Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / SEXY SUNDAY with Sexologist Kiki Maree takes us through low libido, intimacy RESET, desire types and MORE 💋 🫶🫦🫂

Transcript

SEXY SUNDAY with Sexologist Kiki Maree takes us through low libido, intimacy RESET, desire types and MORE 💋 🫶🫦🫂 · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

0:05
Speaker 1: Apologie Production.
0:11
Speaker 2: Growing Glows Twelve Days of Christmas.
0:14
Speaker 3: Hello everybody, welcome back to Growing Glow.
0:16
Speaker 2: Yet another twelve days of Christmas, and today is very sexy.
0:20
Speaker 2: I'm talking to a sexologist, which I know so many
0:23
Speaker 2: of you have requested and asked for so long, and
0:26
Speaker 2: we have the beautiful Kiki coming on today.
0:28
Speaker 3: So welcome to the show.
0:30
Speaker 4: Thank you, thank you for having me. Happy to be here.
0:33
Speaker 2: I'd love for you to just tell us a little
0:34
Speaker 2: bit about who you are and the kind of work
0:36
Speaker 2: that you do, and maybe more specifically who you do
0:39
Speaker 2: work with as well.
0:40
Speaker 1: Yeah, so I am as you mentioned as sexologists. I
0:45
Speaker 1: just realized it's coming up to my businesses ten a
0:48
Speaker 1: year birthday next year.
0:49
Speaker 4: So I've been well in the fool. Yeah, I've been
0:52
Speaker 4: in the field for.
0:52
Speaker 1: A while now and the thing that I guess lights
0:56
Speaker 1: me up the most is.
0:57
Speaker 4: Getting people to feel comfortable and confident in their bodies, in.
1:03
Speaker 1: Their desires, in communicating what their desires are, and just yeah,
1:08
Speaker 1: showing up authentically in their sexuality.
1:10
Speaker 4: However, the thing that takes up most of my.
1:13
Speaker 1: Time at the moment is my school. I teach people
1:16
Speaker 1: to become Semitic sex coaches. And therapeutic. You're only massage practitioners,
1:20
Speaker 1: so I have a bunch of students at any one time,
1:23
Speaker 1: and that's where most of my focus goes. But I
1:26
Speaker 1: still love one on one sessions. I love doing retreats
1:30
Speaker 1: and workshops and yeah, that's just a little bit about me.
1:33
Speaker 4: I love talking about it.
1:34
Speaker 1: I love normalizing sexuality and having these conversations that are
1:38
Speaker 1: a little bit tricky for us in a sex negative society.
1:42
Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, I didn't realize how much you did.
1:44
Speaker 2: That's so freaking cool. And like a retreat, what happens
1:47
Speaker 2: at a retreat based around this.
1:49
Speaker 1: There will be some embodiment practices, getting people to feel
1:53
Speaker 1: comfortable in their bodies, regulating their nervous system, getting them
1:56
Speaker 1: to feel nice and safe. We might do things like
1:59
Speaker 1: drawing our volva, or orgasmic breath work, or nudio yoga
2:05
Speaker 1: or a yoni casting, or the possibilities that endless. It
2:10
Speaker 1: really depends on what's lighting me up in the moment
2:12
Speaker 1: and what people are wanting to explore and experience.
2:16
Speaker 3: So beautiful.
2:17
Speaker 2: I actually had a yoni massage, my first one booked
2:20
Speaker 2: in but I'm on blood thinness because I had brain
2:22
Speaker 2: surgery this year, and I was drue for my period,
2:24
Speaker 2: so I've had to postpone it. But I've recently just
2:27
Speaker 2: been learning about it, and it's just seems so incredible
2:30
Speaker 2: how healing it can be for women to have a
2:32
Speaker 2: beautiful YEARNI massage.
2:33
Speaker 3: That's really cool that that's a part of the work
2:35
Speaker 3: you do as well.
2:36
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's I think one of the most like potent
2:39
Speaker 1: somatic experiences that people can have in reclaiming their body
2:44
Speaker 1: and really understanding what their yes is, what their nose
2:48
Speaker 1: are and honoring that and yeah, also massaging out tension, pain, numbness,
2:55
Speaker 1: and mapping out where their own unique pleasure profile is.
2:59
Speaker 1: So it is like, yeah, such an incredibly like direct
3:04
Speaker 1: sort of streamline and really quick way to move through
3:07
Speaker 1: a lot of blockages around sexuality.
3:09
Speaker 3: So freaking cool.
3:11
Speaker 2: Now, when I came to you, I was like, there's
3:13
Speaker 2: so much we can talk about, but you gave me
3:15
Speaker 2: a list of things that we could cover, and one
3:17
Speaker 2: of them was desire types. So I know nothing about this,
3:20
Speaker 2: and I'm guessing a lot of my listeners don't either,
3:22
Speaker 2: So what is desire types?
3:25
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean this is probably the reason I sort
3:28
Speaker 1: of reached out with this topic is because it isn't
3:30
Speaker 1: so well known. However, it is a game changer when
3:34
Speaker 1: we start to understand what desire types are. So the
3:38
Speaker 1: two different types that we speak about are responsive desire
3:42
Speaker 1: and spontaneous desire. Spontaneous desire is sort of, you know,
3:46
Speaker 1: in the name, it's spontaneously you feel the desire for sex,
3:49
Speaker 1: which is the precursor to our sexual experiences, is actually
3:53
Speaker 1: wanting to do it, you know. And it's something that
3:56
Speaker 1: was really ignored for a really long time in the
3:57
Speaker 1: field of sexuality, but in recent years it's become more
4:00
Speaker 1: apparent that it's a really important part of our sexuality.
4:04
Speaker 1: And some really lucky people they have spontaneous desire, or
4:08
Speaker 1: they experience more spontaneous desire than a responsive desire, meaning
4:11
Speaker 1: that kind of at the drop of the hat, out
4:14
Speaker 1: of nowhere, they're just down for it whenever, wherever, a
4:18
Speaker 1: lot of the time. Whereas, on the other hand, we
4:20
Speaker 1: have responsive desire, which means a person needs to have
4:24
Speaker 1: some kind of context or experience or feeling to respond
4:29
Speaker 1: to to actually feel desire for sex.
4:32
Speaker 4: And when we look.
4:33
Speaker 1: At statistics, predominantly female bodied people have responsive desire, and
4:38
Speaker 1: predominantly male bodied people have spontaneous desire. That's not the
4:42
Speaker 1: case all the time for everybody, or it's not always
4:45
Speaker 1: the same for everybody throughout their entire sexual experience and
4:48
Speaker 1: history and life, but that's kind of what we see
4:52
Speaker 1: and when we see sexuality demonstrated in pornography or on movies,
4:57
Speaker 1: it's very much the go to is the spontaneous desire,
5:01
Speaker 1: that there's this just kind of like cool, yeah, we're ready,
5:03
Speaker 1: let's go for it. I feel like having sex just
5:05
Speaker 1: because you do. Whereas that's just not always the case
5:08
Speaker 1: a lot of the time, especially for female bodied people.
5:12
Speaker 1: Then needs to be some kind of feeling, emotion, touch, context, yeah,
5:18
Speaker 1: connection something. Maybe it might be massage, it might be bacticles,
5:22
Speaker 1: it might be a.
5:23
Speaker 4: Really clean room.
5:24
Speaker 1: It might be that there's some kind of erotica playing
5:27
Speaker 1: or some kind of initiation of erotic intimacy to be
5:32
Speaker 1: able to respond to it and feel like, oh, actually,
5:34
Speaker 1: I feel like.
5:35
Speaker 4: Doing that now.
5:36
Speaker 1: However, in the beginning of the relationship, usually speaking, because
5:39
Speaker 1: where it's so loved up on neurochemicals, neurotransmitters, and hormones,
5:44
Speaker 1: we are more likely to have spontaneous desire because our
5:48
Speaker 1: sexual inhibitors are less sensitive, and so that's where we
5:52
Speaker 1: can see it change from the beginning the honeymoon phase
5:55
Speaker 1: slowly changed throughout the sexual cycle. However, a lot of people,
6:00
Speaker 1: also male and female body people do tend to have
6:03
Speaker 1: more responsive desire as they go through the long term relationship.
6:08
Speaker 4: But our societal sort of messaging does sort of impact that.
6:12
Speaker 1: In that male bodied people are expected to always want
6:15
Speaker 1: to have sex, so that can sort of influence the
6:16
Speaker 1: way that they show up in their sexuality.
6:18
Speaker 4: So it's a little bit nuanced.
6:19
Speaker 1: There are different aspects there, but that's kind of the idea,
6:23
Speaker 1: and the science behind desire types.
6:25
Speaker 2: Makes so much sense. And as you're explaining this, I'm like,
6:28
Speaker 2: I got a little bit jealous of those people that
6:30
Speaker 2: are the spontaneous one. I would love to be that
6:33
Speaker 2: just be like down for whenever. And I do have
6:35
Speaker 2: some girlfriends that I feel like are down for it whatever,
6:37
Speaker 2: but most of my female friends it, Yeah, it takes
6:40
Speaker 2: a lot of for play. There's got to be a
6:41
Speaker 2: lot of connection, there would be a lot of safety.
6:43
Speaker 3: The kids got to be.
6:44
Speaker 2: In bed, there's got to be a clean house, the
6:46
Speaker 2: mental loads off, like it's this quite a big list really, yeah, exactly, Yeah.
6:52
Speaker 1: I'm the same grows. My husband has spontaneous to I.
6:56
Speaker 1: So whenever wherever it's on the cards.
6:59
Speaker 2: You just walk past and he's like, yep, ready, Oh
7:03
Speaker 2: that's so funny. And there's desire discrepancy, So what is that.
7:08
Speaker 4: Yes, that's a really good segue.
7:10
Speaker 1: So for my partner and I, we have desire discrepancy,
7:13
Speaker 1: probably because I have responsive desire and my partner has
7:17
Speaker 1: spontaneous desire. There's that discrepancy there that my partner would
7:21
Speaker 1: like to have sex multiple times a day if possible,
7:24
Speaker 1: whereas for me it's not so often. So we see
7:27
Speaker 1: in couples there might be one person that would like
7:29
Speaker 1: to have sex, you know, three, four times a week
7:32
Speaker 1: or every day, and then there are other people that
7:34
Speaker 1: are happy to have sex one to two times a month,
7:36
Speaker 1: and so there's a huge discrepancy there, which can cause
7:39
Speaker 1: a lot of issues in a relationship when it comes
7:41
Speaker 1: to sexuality, a lot of feelings of being rejected, not
7:45
Speaker 1: feeling like there is intimacy or even the safety to
7:48
Speaker 1: explore non penetrative intimacy, if you know, it feels like,
7:52
Speaker 1: oh if I make out with my partner, then they're
7:54
Speaker 1: just going to want to have sex, so I may
7:55
Speaker 1: as well just not make out with them.
7:56
Speaker 4: So it's not talked.
7:58
Speaker 1: About, and there isn't a plan in the mix for
8:01
Speaker 1: everybody to feel happy and safe to have intimacy and connection,
8:05
Speaker 1: whatever that will look like for each individual couple. Then
8:08
Speaker 1: it tends to sort of get swept under the rug
8:10
Speaker 1: and these issues start to really evolve and really dominate
8:14
Speaker 1: in the relationship and bring on issues that wouldn't necessarily
8:17
Speaker 1: be there without the communication piece.
8:20
Speaker 2: Yeah, you can see how if someone is wanting it
8:22
Speaker 2: three four times a day or like a week or
8:24
Speaker 2: whatever and they're not getting that, how they would feel rejected.
8:26
Speaker 3: We'd talk about male to female.
8:28
Speaker 2: If the female was more responsive, she doesn't then want
8:31
Speaker 2: to Sorry, I'm gonna swear, but like pityfuck them all
8:33
Speaker 2: the time, because then that wouldn't feel good for her
8:35
Speaker 2: or for him. So how do couples like, how do
8:38
Speaker 2: you help? I'm sure you have couples come and say
8:40
Speaker 2: this exact situation. My husband wants it all the time.
8:43
Speaker 2: I want it once a week. We're arguing. There's resentment
8:46
Speaker 2: and it's just causing this, like you.
8:48
Speaker 3: Know, friction.
8:49
Speaker 2: I suppose how do you help them, I suppose compromise
8:52
Speaker 2: or meet in the middle, like help, what do couples
8:54
Speaker 2: do if they're in that situation?
8:56
Speaker 1: There oftentimes needs to be a huge unlearning of what
9:00
Speaker 1: sex actually is, because at the end of the day,
9:03
Speaker 1: pleasure is some thing we all enjoy where a pleasure
9:07
Speaker 1: driven species. And so if the sex that's been put
9:11
Speaker 1: on the table isn't something that's just solely focused on
9:14
Speaker 1: pleasure for both individuals, then the person where it isn't
9:18
Speaker 1: pleasurable for if they have sort of just grinned and
9:20
Speaker 1: bed it, tolerated, sort of you know, faked things to
9:24
Speaker 1: get through it, then they are not going to want
9:26
Speaker 1: to have it. And so what we do is we
9:28
Speaker 1: take penetrative sex off the table for a little bit,
9:32
Speaker 1: we put a little pause on it, and we explore
9:35
Speaker 1: what pleasure filled intimacy can look like for this couple
9:39
Speaker 1: and what that looks like for them individually and what
9:42
Speaker 1: that looks like for them together, and how they can
9:44
Speaker 1: come to a place of actually both being excited about
9:47
Speaker 1: the intimacy.
9:49
Speaker 4: It's a huge unlearning.
9:50
Speaker 1: Because sex does equal penetration, sex does equal orgasm in
9:55
Speaker 1: so many different people's cognition of their belief around what
9:59
Speaker 1: sexuality is and so deconstructing that can take a lot
10:03
Speaker 1: of time, but it's one of the best things that
10:05
Speaker 1: we do. And then what we find is people can
10:07
Speaker 1: start to realize, oh, actually, of course somewhere to want
10:12
Speaker 1: to like be intimate with you if it means you're
10:13
Speaker 1: going to do this to me, or if it means
10:15
Speaker 1: that I can just do this, or if it means
10:18
Speaker 1: I can watch you being like this, you know, And
10:20
Speaker 1: so having those conversations getting really vulnerable about what their
10:23
Speaker 1: needs are. Scheduling in sexy sessions together is also really
10:28
Speaker 1: important because for the person who has a lower desire
10:31
Speaker 1: for whatever reason, you know, that sexuality it's kind of
10:34
Speaker 1: like on a spectrum from super highly sexual to asexual,
10:38
Speaker 1: and people can sit anywhere on that and it can
10:40
Speaker 1: change throughout their lifetime, throughout different experiences, throughout pregnancy, postpardon, grief,
10:46
Speaker 1: having a lost one, health issues, hormonal issues, menopause, you know,
10:50
Speaker 1: all of these things really contribute to our sexuality and
10:53
Speaker 1: our desire for sex. And so regardless of where somebody
10:57
Speaker 1: is on that spectrum, if they aren't wanting to have
11:00
Speaker 1: sex as much as their partner, then scheduling in a
11:04
Speaker 1: time it feels right for that couple to explore together
11:08
Speaker 1: is one of the best ways for them to make
11:09
Speaker 1: sure they're actually having their needs met. Otherwise, the person
11:12
Speaker 1: who isn't feeling it as much isn't going to think
11:14
Speaker 1: about it as much as the other partner, and then
11:16
Speaker 1: it just sort of gets forgotten, and the other partner
11:18
Speaker 1: doesn't want to feel as that they're pushing or having
11:21
Speaker 1: any expectations, or that their touch isn't being misread. So
11:25
Speaker 1: it's really nice to sort of sit down and have
11:28
Speaker 1: a schedule. I think some people can shy away from
11:30
Speaker 1: it because they think, oh, no, like that sounds very
11:32
Speaker 1: clinical and like there's something wrong with us and it's
11:34
Speaker 1: not spontaneous and it's not fine anymore. But the thing
11:38
Speaker 1: is when we have sort of like a container to
11:40
Speaker 1: work within, then it allows so much freedom because it's like, okay, cool,
11:44
Speaker 1: I know that at this time and this day, like
11:47
Speaker 1: we're going to just have fun together and whatever that's
11:50
Speaker 1: going to look like versus there's not going to be
11:53
Speaker 1: that asking for it at the wrong time, or it
11:55
Speaker 1: takes away a lot of the guesswork. When we have
11:57
Speaker 1: these open communication dynamics between couples.
12:01
Speaker 2: I absolutely love that I've spoken about on the podcast before,
12:04
Speaker 2: about scheduled sex, and there was a lot of pushback
12:07
Speaker 2: of people saying that, like, oh, it takes the fun
12:09
Speaker 2: out of it, Like, you know, I feel like it
12:11
Speaker 2: shouldn't be like that. But I think as parents too,
12:13
Speaker 2: like I've got two children, and yes, when we were
12:16
Speaker 2: younger and we had more time and no kids around,
12:17
Speaker 2: we could do it whenever, whenever. But now it's like
12:20
Speaker 2: on the weekends when our little girl naps, like we
12:22
Speaker 2: have a whole two hours we can just be together, connect, chat,
12:26
Speaker 2: be intimate, not being a rush, not worried that someone's
12:28
Speaker 2: gonna come in, like it's just our time, and it
12:31
Speaker 2: doesn't feel less enjoyable because I know that's when we
12:35
Speaker 2: do it.
12:35
Speaker 3: I actually really look forward to it.
12:36
Speaker 2: Whereas if we didn't lock in that time, then I
12:39
Speaker 2: don't know if we ever would, because you know, we
12:41
Speaker 2: are tired and we are busy and life gets in
12:43
Speaker 2: the way. So I'm totally all for that. I love
12:45
Speaker 2: the unexpected ones when they happen and we both happened
12:47
Speaker 2: to be in the mood and it's exciting and we
12:49
Speaker 2: feel like little kid, you know, young again.
12:51
Speaker 3: But I think booking it in is really beautiful.
12:53
Speaker 4: As well, exactly. And that's the thing.
12:56
Speaker 1: When you do book it in and make it a priority,
12:58
Speaker 1: you're probably going to be having more yummy sex that
13:00
Speaker 1: you'll want. Those moments are going to be more likely
13:04
Speaker 1: because it's kind of like a muscle that you're using,
13:06
Speaker 1: and so just sort of dying in the ohs and
13:10
Speaker 1: not being bored in practice, and that intimacy isn't cultivated,
13:13
Speaker 1: then you know it's something there, it's fresh, it's present,
13:16
Speaker 1: and so it's kind of like yum, like last.
13:18
Speaker 4: Night was so good, Like what more of that?
13:20
Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly exactly, And you're right, like, we live in
13:24
Speaker 1: such a fast paced society now, it's so much focus
13:26
Speaker 1: on productivity, So why would we just expect that this
13:30
Speaker 1: is going to happen when everything else is scheduled in.
13:33
Speaker 1: We're not fifteen sixteen, however old eighteen anymore. We're not
13:37
Speaker 1: you know, carefree just having like some many of us
13:41
Speaker 1: aren't living that lifestyle where we could just have sex
13:44
Speaker 1: whenever and feel like we're ready for it going essentially
13:47
Speaker 1: asking ourselves to go from one hundred to zero instantly.
13:51
Speaker 4: That's just not a reality.
13:53
Speaker 1: And so yeah, this sooner we can kind of get
13:56
Speaker 1: on board that what's actually happening as adults in our
13:58
Speaker 1: sexuality the better.
14:00
Speaker 3: So good.
14:00
Speaker 2: Something's just come up for me that I think I've
14:02
Speaker 2: seen a lot in I'm in a forum, it's all women.
14:04
Speaker 2: There's a lot in there. And when this kind of
14:07
Speaker 2: situation comes up with their partners wanting more sex, a
14:10
Speaker 2: lot of men are going to porn to get their
14:13
Speaker 2: needs fulfilled and to get off and whatever, and then
14:16
Speaker 2: the partner's upset and jealous, and then he's like, well,
14:19
Speaker 2: you're not giving it to me, and then this year
14:21
Speaker 2: the pity fox.
14:21
Speaker 3: Him and it's just yucky.
14:23
Speaker 2: Watch your thoughts on porn in general, because from what
14:25
Speaker 2: I've read, it creates like a false sense of reality
14:29
Speaker 2: to a woman's experience or what it should be. And
14:31
Speaker 2: the men expect then their partner to be how the
14:33
Speaker 2: porn stars are, and it's not really like that, right.
14:37
Speaker 1: It is not like that they are actors. I am
14:40
Speaker 1: super passionate about this topic. I love that it is
14:44
Speaker 1: something that's being talked about more and more now. I
14:47
Speaker 1: think that porn can be done in a way that
14:49
Speaker 1: is a healthy, safe, ethical contribution to somebody's sexuality. It
14:57
Speaker 1: doesn't always have to be something that's negative and poo pooed.
15:00
Speaker 1: I just think that the ease of it means that
15:04
Speaker 1: there are a lot of people creating unhealthy habits with pawn.
15:07
Speaker 1: So if the pawn, for example, is the female based
15:11
Speaker 1: pawn company and it's created for the female gaze, then
15:15
Speaker 1: there is going to be foot play, there are going
15:18
Speaker 1: to be angles that are realistic and sounds that you'd
15:20
Speaker 1: actually hear, and it's not going to be performative. And
15:24
Speaker 1: then if somebody is wanting to explore their pleasure with pawn,
15:29
Speaker 1: then doing it in a way that isn't like just
15:31
Speaker 1: sitting in front of a computer and having a real
15:33
Speaker 1: quick jerk and getting it over and done with. Because
15:36
Speaker 1: we've seen that this has contributed towards rapid ejaculation, which
15:40
Speaker 1: then really impacts a relationship as well when they're having
15:43
Speaker 1: sex with a real person or a rectile disappointment. So
15:47
Speaker 1: there can be some sexual dysfunction that can come from
15:50
Speaker 1: overusing or misusing porn, whereas if somebody is just you know,
15:54
Speaker 1: there's some erotica on TV and they're standing up and
15:57
Speaker 1: they're like moving their body and they're really getting into
16:00
Speaker 1: that there breathing and they're edging and they're feeling themselves
16:03
Speaker 1: and they are, so you know, just not fastwarding to
16:06
Speaker 1: the sexy bit and clicking between different people and creating
16:09
Speaker 1: very much and not real experience. Then I think it
16:13
Speaker 1: can be done in an ethical way, and it's super
16:16
Speaker 1: sexy to create porn with each other and for each
16:18
Speaker 1: other as well. I know for people who do feel
16:21
Speaker 1: that jealousy, which is totally valid. Some people don't, some
16:24
Speaker 1: people do, And for the people who do, I recommend
16:26
Speaker 1: like making some yummies, sensual content, doing some self portraiture,
16:31
Speaker 1: getting some laingderie, getting into your feels, and like gifting
16:35
Speaker 1: that to your partner so that, yeah, you don't have
16:37
Speaker 1: to show up all of the time in that erotic
16:40
Speaker 1: space if you're feeling less desireing and you're not feeling
16:43
Speaker 1: you when have sex as often, but then you know,
16:45
Speaker 1: having something for the partner to be able to use
16:48
Speaker 1: in that regard.
16:50
Speaker 2: I love what you said about how something's on the
16:52
Speaker 2: screen and there's four play and they're feeling their bodies
16:54
Speaker 2: and they're breeding. I feel like it's different. But I
16:58
Speaker 2: love a good sexy romance novel because I feel like
17:01
Speaker 2: you get that big build up. Yeah, like playing in
17:03
Speaker 2: your head and then your picture with your partner, and
17:06
Speaker 2: that to me is like massive foreplay. My husband's always like,
17:09
Speaker 2: I know you're reading a good book right now, like yes,
17:11
Speaker 2: come here.
17:14
Speaker 3: Exactly.
17:14
Speaker 4: And that's what's missing in porn. And that's what most
17:18
Speaker 4: male body people are learning.
17:19
Speaker 1: From a really young age that suddenly there's this woman
17:22
Speaker 1: they're ready for you gagging for.
17:24
Speaker 4: It's so excited immediately gagging.
17:28
Speaker 3: That's just not the fucking reality. It's literally, no.
17:31
Speaker 4: High, it's not.
17:33
Speaker 1: And so of course they're going to feel rejected if
17:35
Speaker 1: they're like, well, why is she gagging for this guy
17:38
Speaker 1: on the porno? But for me, she's just like ah no,
17:40
Speaker 1: rub my back, like.
17:45
Speaker 3: Yeah, oh my gosh. It's such a good way to
17:47
Speaker 3: put it.
17:48
Speaker 2: I feel like everyone listening is going to be like, yes,
17:49
Speaker 2: thank you, I've got one more question that I feel like,
17:52
Speaker 2: once again, I see in forums. I talk to a
17:54
Speaker 2: lot of women in my DMS. Obviously no sex ologists,
17:57
Speaker 2: but I feel like I'm a safe place if people
17:59
Speaker 2: ask me a lot of questions, and I feel like
18:01
Speaker 2: so many women are struggling with low libido and I'm
18:03
Speaker 2: assuming stresses. Massive contributor to that, But what advice would
18:08
Speaker 2: you have for women who feel like they just have
18:10
Speaker 2: no libido or low libido. They look at their partner
18:12
Speaker 2: they want to do it, but they're just like they
18:14
Speaker 2: just don't want to.
18:16
Speaker 4: Yeah, and you know, I just, first and foremost want
18:18
Speaker 4: to normalize it.
18:20
Speaker 1: Sexuality is fed to us as if it's something we
18:23
Speaker 1: need to survive, just like food and water and touch,
18:27
Speaker 1: whereas it.
18:27
Speaker 4: Really is, it's a leisurely activity we get.
18:30
Speaker 1: To enjoy in the way that we want to enjoy it.
18:33
Speaker 1: It's not something we need to survive. And so I
18:35
Speaker 1: feel like people feel like they're broken or there's something
18:37
Speaker 1: wrong with them. However, we do live in a society
18:41
Speaker 1: that doesn't support female wooded people, and the work that
18:43
Speaker 1: we do, as much as it should, doesn't support our
18:46
Speaker 1: cyclic nature. You know, we do a nine to five,
18:49
Speaker 1: five day a week work week, which is going straight
18:52
Speaker 1: throughout periods, going straight through the pre menstrual phase, and
18:55
Speaker 1: you know, this linear way of living doesn't support our
18:59
Speaker 1: bodies and our hormones. And it makes sense that so
19:02
Speaker 1: many people aren't feeling that desire that maybe they did
19:06
Speaker 1: when they were younger and they didn't have as many issues.
19:08
Speaker 4: Day to day life.
19:09
Speaker 1: So what I like to talk about in this situation
19:12
Speaker 1: is looking at libido as desire and then creating something
19:16
Speaker 1: that you do desire. Libido can kind of feel like
19:19
Speaker 1: this enigmatic, really.
19:21
Speaker 4: Like tricky, like I can't quite touch it. I can't
19:23
Speaker 4: put my finger on it.
19:23
Speaker 3: Where is it?
19:24
Speaker 4: Whereas desire, it's.
19:26
Speaker 1: Like okay, cool, yeah, I know, like I know what
19:27
Speaker 1: it feels like to desire, Like I desire a huge
19:30
Speaker 1: bottle pasta with whatever yummy sauce.
19:33
Speaker 4: I desire that.
19:34
Speaker 1: You know, I desire sun on my skin. Okay, what
19:37
Speaker 1: in my sexuality do I desire? And how can I
19:40
Speaker 1: make that happen? And so when we talk about sees
19:43
Speaker 1: and our sis, our sexual excitatory response, it's like our accelerator.
19:47
Speaker 1: It's the thing that turns us on sexually and lights
19:49
Speaker 1: us up and engages our arousal. And we have our
19:52
Speaker 1: sexual inhibitory response or systems.
19:55
Speaker 4: So it's like our breaks in our sexuality.
19:57
Speaker 1: So the things that make us say no, and you know,
20:01
Speaker 1: we need to have both of these systems.
20:02
Speaker 4: We can't be walking around ready to fuck whenever.
20:05
Speaker 1: I wish, but no, no, there are times and places
20:09
Speaker 1: for it, so you know, if you're out to your
20:11
Speaker 1: family dinner, you're probably not going to feel super.
20:13
Speaker 4: Sexy and wanting to have sex.
20:14
Speaker 1: Whereas, yeah, watching a yummy movie or listening to erotica, Yeah,
20:19
Speaker 1: your sexual excitatory system or response, it's going to be activated.
20:22
Speaker 1: And so to sort of bring it down a little
20:24
Speaker 1: bit more easy to digest, we're looking at our accelerators
20:27
Speaker 1: and our breaks, and we want to see what are
20:30
Speaker 1: our breaks and how can we take our foot off
20:32
Speaker 1: the break a little bit, and what are our accelerators,
20:36
Speaker 1: and how can we make our accelerators a little bit
20:38
Speaker 1: more sensitive, because that is going to help us engage
20:41
Speaker 1: and activate and connect in with our desire more. Say,
20:44
Speaker 1: for example, a messy house, dirty teeth, noisy kids, that's
20:48
Speaker 1: probably going to hit your brakes. So how can you
20:51
Speaker 1: create an environment to respond to that doesn't have all
20:53
Speaker 1: of these things going on? What are your exciters? What
20:56
Speaker 1: accelerates your sexual response? Is it having a yummy sense?
21:00
Speaker 1: Is it having yummy fab bricks? Are you a central person?
21:03
Speaker 1: Are you a kinky person being some different like kinky
21:06
Speaker 1: things around that you can play with. Is that going
21:08
Speaker 1: to help you a little bit of power play through
21:10
Speaker 1: the day? So it's so different for everybody, their own
21:13
Speaker 1: unique erotic blueprint and what lights them up. And some
21:16
Speaker 1: people have really sensitive breaks and really sensitive accelerators, so
21:20
Speaker 1: they might get really turned on easily, but also turned
21:22
Speaker 1: off really easily. Some people might have not so sensitive
21:25
Speaker 1: breaks like my husband and really sensitive accelerators, or the opposite,
21:29
Speaker 1: They might have really sensitive breaks and then to put
21:32
Speaker 1: the foot down on the accelerator, it's not so sensitive.
21:35
Speaker 4: So finding what that.
21:37
Speaker 1: Means to you uniquely as an individual, because everybody, as
21:40
Speaker 1: I said, is super different, and writing out your own
21:44
Speaker 1: unique pleasure menu or what lights you up, and then
21:48
Speaker 1: making sure you're having a little bit of taste of
21:50
Speaker 1: the menu as often as you can. More and more
21:53
Speaker 1: pleasure breeds more pleasure and turn on and desire the break,
21:57
Speaker 1: Seeing where you can navigate those breaks, What can you
21:59
Speaker 1: take out, what can you remove or can you outsource?
22:02
Speaker 1: What can you ask of your partner or can you
22:04
Speaker 1: implement to make your breaks less sensitive?
22:07
Speaker 2: Wow, so much incredible information. Thank you so much. That
22:12
Speaker 2: was so informative. I'm sure there's only so many women listening,
22:16
Speaker 2: and even myself like, yeah, where can we find you?
22:19
Speaker 2: You've got retreats coming out tell us a little bit
22:21
Speaker 2: more about how we could work with you and learn
22:22
Speaker 2: from you more.
22:23
Speaker 1: Yeah.
22:23
Speaker 4: Sure.
22:24
Speaker 1: So I have a bunch of free information and education
22:28
Speaker 1: on my Instagram at Your Delicious. I am super passionate
22:32
Speaker 1: about this, so I'm sharing things all the time.
22:34
Speaker 4: People are always saying like, why do you share all
22:36
Speaker 4: this but free?
22:36
Speaker 1: But I just feel everyone deserves to have access to real,
22:40
Speaker 1: good quality sex education, So you can find me there. Otherwise,
22:45
Speaker 1: on my website, I have a bunch of freebies there
22:47
Speaker 1: as well that can get people started, So things like
22:50
Speaker 1: a seven day Yuni Love Challenge where they go on
22:53
Speaker 1: a journey of loving how their volver looks and tastes
22:56
Speaker 1: and smells and really empowering stuff through there. Otherwise, I
23:00
Speaker 1: have an erotic map where you get to learn what
23:03
Speaker 1: your own unique erotic map that's also free. Beyond there,
23:05
Speaker 1: it's all sort of bundled in one free called the
23:07
Speaker 1: Pleasure Pot.
23:09
Speaker 4: Next year, in February on the.
23:10
Speaker 1: Gold Coast, I will have a paint, sip pole and
23:15
Speaker 1: pussy power workshop with a couple of hours wow fun,
23:18
Speaker 1: I'm coming, Yes, yes, come along, It'll be at ga.
23:22
Speaker 1: I will for all of my other stuff, like I
23:24
Speaker 1: have something like I don't know, fifty recorded programs that
23:27
Speaker 1: are bundled altogether for either couples or singles or both
23:30
Speaker 1: at really affordable prices on my website as well, which
23:33
Speaker 1: is unu listis dot com dot au. Also, yeah, if
23:36
Speaker 1: somebody wants to hire me for like a hen's party
23:39
Speaker 1: or a workshop with girlfriends, or even just like an
23:42
Speaker 1: education piece at their work they're feeling like this kind
23:45
Speaker 1: of stuff is going to help their workplace, then I'm
23:47
Speaker 1: also available for hire for that and guests speaking and
23:50
Speaker 1: things like that as well.
23:52
Speaker 2: Amazing. Oh, I'm sure we all cross paths again soon.
23:55
Speaker 2: That's so exciting. Thank you, so so much, thank you,
23:59
Speaker 2: thank you, Kigi