Latest / Long Haul Marriage Roadcast / Who's Carrying The Load? (Part 6 of 10) 10 Things That Can Make or Break Your Marriage

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Who's Carrying The Load? (Part 6 of 10) 10 Things That Can Make or Break Your Marriage · Long Haul Marriage Roadcast

• 0:20
  Speaker 1: Welcome back to the roadcast, folks.
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: Welcome.
• 0:24
  Speaker 3: The Long Haul Marriage Roadcast. Yeah, I've been going two
• 0:27
  Speaker 3: years now. How about that? Happy birthday to us.
• 0:30
  Speaker 4: Oh, that's right. Or anniversary. I don't know what we're
• 0:33
  Speaker 4: going to call it.
• 0:34
  Speaker 2: You know, it's our two-year anniversary. What do y'all call it?
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: It's our two-year anniversary, but it's also our two-year birthday.
• 0:40
  Speaker 4: Whatever you call it.
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: Well, happy birthday and happy anniversary to Long Haul Marriage.
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: And you know what? I'm going to take just a minute.
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: I never do this.
• 0:46
  Speaker 3: So just to say that we are, Long Haul Marriage
• 0:51
  Speaker 3: is a 501c3, a nonprofit. And we are a donor-supported ministry.
• 0:57
  Speaker 3: And so everyone who gives allows us to jump into
• 1:03
  Speaker 3: our never say no attitude. A lot of couples come
• 1:09
  Speaker 3: to us needing marriage support, marriage help, and some just
• 1:12
  Speaker 3: cannot afford to pay for it. And our policy has
• 1:15
  Speaker 3: been we never say no. As long as the Lord
• 1:18
  Speaker 3: provides for this ministry, we're going to keep saying yes.
• 1:21
  Speaker 3: And so now currently about 40% of our couples don't pay.
• 1:26
  Speaker 3: And that's only made possible by our generous donors. So
• 1:29
  Speaker 3: thank you, everyone who supports us. So there are ways
• 1:34
  Speaker 3: that you can give. First, go to our website, longhaulmarriage.org.
• 1:39
  Speaker 3: And you'll notice there a Donate Here button. And it
• 1:42
  Speaker 3: links to our donor platform called betterworld.org. And so some
• 1:49
  Speaker 3: people give a one-time annual gift or a one-time gift.
• 1:53
  Speaker 3: And then many give a monthly gift. And so if
• 1:57
  Speaker 3: you are looking for a place to give where you
• 2:00
  Speaker 3: can trust where 100% of your money goes, especially here
• 2:04
  Speaker 3: at Year End where 100% of your donation will be
• 2:08
  Speaker 3: tax deductible, we would love it if you would consider
• 2:11
  Speaker 3: giving to Long Haul Marriage and supporting our work with
• 2:14
  Speaker 3: marriages and families.
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: Yes.
• 2:16
  Speaker 3: So again, I just can't. Thank all of our donors
• 2:19
  Speaker 3: enough because you make this possible. So thank you. And
• 2:22
  Speaker 3: if you would love to support us and partner with
• 2:25
  Speaker 3: us in our ministry, we would love it if you
• 2:27
  Speaker 3: would do that. So, Jamie, what else before we dive in?
• 2:32
  Speaker 4: Let's talk about kind of busy week this week.
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: Wednesday morning, I'm speaking with a women's group, a mom's group,
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: I should say. So I'm very excited about that. And
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: then Wednesday night... is our Seasons of Us Marriage Workshop.
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: Man, that's fun. Those are fun.
• 2:51
  Speaker 4: And we are so excited.
• 2:52
  Speaker 3: Again, at Justin Coffee. Justin Coffee. Imagine that.
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: At 630. Yeah, 630.
• 2:58
  Speaker 3: Talking about the different seasons all marriages go through and
• 3:01
  Speaker 3: how to navigate those with grace. And, oh, man, it
• 3:05
  Speaker 3: can get tough. But just some practical tools that will
• 3:09
  Speaker 3: help you reframe things and maybe change your attitude towards
• 3:12
  Speaker 3: your spouse and really learn to thrive and not just
• 3:14
  Speaker 3: hang on and white-knuckle it. But learn to really value
• 3:18
  Speaker 3: your partner and just reminder of some things that we
• 3:23
  Speaker 3: all go through and some tools to help us navigate
• 3:26
  Speaker 3: those tricky seasons. And by the way, did we say
• 3:29
  Speaker 3: happy birthday to us?
• 3:30
  Speaker 4: We did.
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: We did?
• 3:32
  Speaker 4: Well, did we say? I don't know. Maybe we didn't.
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: But happy two-year birthday or two-year anniversary, however.
• 3:39
  Speaker 4: You want to look at it.
• 3:40
  Speaker 3: Happy birthday or happy anniversary to long-haul marriage. Man, I
• 3:43
  Speaker 3: can't believe it's been two years.
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: It's great.
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: It is. It's been a great, great two years. I'm so,
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: so thankful. I wouldn't trade it for the world.
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 3:53
  Speaker 4: I love doing this with you.
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: How many podcast episodes have we done?
• 3:56
  Speaker 4: I think, was it 76?
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: That's really crazy.
• 4:01
  Speaker 4: Yeah. I don't have that number pulled up, but it was.
• 4:04
  Speaker 3: Something like- Speaking of that, anything else before we dive in?
• 4:08
  Speaker 3: Speaking of chatting with you?
• 4:09
  Speaker 4: Well, only that.
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: So Wednesday night, if y'all need a fun little date
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: night and you're local to Justin, Texas, we'd love for
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: you to join us 630 Justin Coffee for Seasons of Us.
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: It's going to be fun. We're going to laugh a lot.
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: I'm really excited about that. Then Friday night, I'm doing
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: a wedding. and then racing over to a rehearsal dinner
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: to be with you for a wedding that you're going
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: to then do the next night on Saturday night.
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: It's fun. Looking forward to the big wedding weekend.
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 4:41
  Speaker 3: And then Sunday night, how about a little shout out
• 4:44
  Speaker 3: to our neighbor down the street, Two Houses Down, who
• 4:47
  Speaker 3: scored us some tickets for a Billy Joel tribute band.
• 4:53
  Speaker 3: So that's going to be great at the Majestic. Can't
• 4:54
  Speaker 3: wait for that.
• 4:55
  Speaker 4: Yeah, that's going to be. kind of a fun thing
• 4:57
  Speaker 4: after a busy weekend.
• 4:59
  Speaker 3: So, but welcome back to our, uh, our marriage, our
• 5:02
  Speaker 3: 10 part marriage series, uh, 10 things that'll make or
• 5:05
  Speaker 3: break your marriage. And we are on episode six. We're
• 5:08
  Speaker 3: talking about tonight. Who's carrying the load. Who's carrying the load.
• 5:12
  Speaker 3: We're going to be talking about responsibilities in the marriage and, um, man,
• 5:17
  Speaker 3: nothing kills affection quite like feeling like you're carrying the
• 5:21
  Speaker 3: entire marriage on your shoulders. Um, And a lot of
• 5:25
  Speaker 3: times it becomes this, you know, we walk in and
• 5:28
  Speaker 3: we're like, Oh my gosh, I'm exhausted.
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: I've done this. This is, Oh you, well, what about this?
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: We're one up in each other. Right.
• 5:36
  Speaker 3: And, and it's definitely, I mean, there's so many things
• 5:39
  Speaker 3: to discuss here. Um, the emotional load, the, the mental load,
• 5:45
  Speaker 3: all the household maintenance, the finances, right.
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: The kids, scheduling, um, And.
• 5:52
  Speaker 3: So it's easy to start keeping score if you're not careful.
• 5:57
  Speaker 3: But I want to make the huge point right off
• 5:59
  Speaker 3: the bat, this is not about a 50-50 division of labor.
• 6:03
  Speaker 3: It's not about, hey, are you doing your half or
• 6:06
  Speaker 3: pulling your weight? It's about, and it's not about do
• 6:11
  Speaker 3: husbands do this and wives do that. We don't want
• 6:13
  Speaker 3: to get into the traditional roles. A lot of times
• 6:16
  Speaker 3: in our premarital work, we see that people are scoring
• 6:18
  Speaker 3: more and more with the Hey, do what makes sense.
• 6:23
  Speaker 3: I mean, I grew up where, and I still do
• 6:25
  Speaker 3: most of the house maintenance and I mow the yard. Um,
• 6:30
  Speaker 3: you know, you do a lot of the stuff in
• 6:31
  Speaker 3: the house, you cook. Uh, but instead of the cooking
• 6:35
  Speaker 3: and the cleaning, you know, I love to vacuum. And
• 6:37
  Speaker 3: so I'm going to vacuum, right? You don't have to, Hey,
• 6:40
  Speaker 3: are you going to vacuum? I just love vacuuming up
• 6:42
  Speaker 3: dog hair.
• 6:43
  Speaker 4: You know, that's why I bought you a vacuum for Christmas.
• 6:45
  Speaker 3: I got a Christmas present. Um, And some women may
• 6:50
  Speaker 3: like to sit out on their mower. John Deere, just
• 6:54
  Speaker 3: start creating in their mind or put those headphones on, whatever.
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: And I love to cook. It's therapy for me. I
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: love trying new recipes.
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and I'm not that great at it.
• 7:05
  Speaker 4: Well, I think you're good at some things. Grilling.
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: You're great at grilling. But I love to cook it
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: and you love to eat it. But I do have
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: friends who their husband... carries the cooking load of their marriage.
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: And that's just the, you know, he loves to cook
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: and she doesn't really. So you find what works. Right.
• 7:26
  Speaker 3: So it's not about the traditional roles. It's about, and
• 7:29
  Speaker 3: the question isn't whether everything is exactly 50-50. The question
• 7:33
  Speaker 3: is whether both spouses believe the marriage is being carried
• 7:38
  Speaker 3: by both of them. And you just feel content in that.
• 7:41
  Speaker 3: You feel really at peace. You're not harboring some secret
• 7:45
  Speaker 3: resentment or some bitterness about that.
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: But it's a lot to talk about. So I remember.
• 7:55
  Speaker 3: At our last XO Marriage Conference, some really dear friends
• 7:59
  Speaker 3: gifted us a couple of tickets, and we went. And
• 8:03
  Speaker 3: one of the ladies who spoke, they got a standing
• 8:05
  Speaker 3: ovation at the end, was about how women are reporting
• 8:10
  Speaker 3: that they are carrying the emotional load of the household.
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: Mm-hmm.
• 8:15
  Speaker 3: And many women are working outside the home. It's not just, okay,
• 8:18
  Speaker 3: I'm a housewife or a homemaker or whatever the term.
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: And so I'm doing that.
• 8:23
  Speaker 3: It's like I'm working outside the home too, but I
• 8:25
  Speaker 3: still am carrying the emotional load, like thinking about a
• 8:28
  Speaker 3: lot of the things that my husband's just not engaged
• 8:31
  Speaker 3: in or just not thinking about. And how that's become
• 8:36
  Speaker 3: kind of an epidemic. Husbands can just check out because
• 8:39
  Speaker 3: they are working. They're busy a lot of times outside
• 8:41
  Speaker 3: the home. And but that they need to somehow learn
• 8:46
  Speaker 3: to engage in a different way. It's not just, hey, man,
• 8:49
  Speaker 3: I'm tired and I come home and, you know, Monday
• 8:51
  Speaker 3: night football is on. I'm going to kick up my
• 8:53
  Speaker 3: feet because there are still kids to bathe. There are
• 8:57
  Speaker 3: still meals to prep. There are still backpacks to pack.
• 9:01
  Speaker 3: There are still meetings to put on the calendar. You know,
• 9:05
  Speaker 3: all the games and the sports. And a lot of
• 9:09
  Speaker 3: times I– Nate Bargatze has a funny, funny bit about that, about,
• 9:15
  Speaker 3: you know, if something ever happened to his wife, he
• 9:19
  Speaker 3: wouldn't know what bus route, you know, what school his
• 9:22
  Speaker 3: kid goes to. I mean, he takes it to the extreme.
• 9:24
  Speaker 3: But that has been echoed. And like I said, the
• 9:28
  Speaker 3: lady who spoke about that got the standing ovation. So
• 9:31
  Speaker 3: what do you think led to this, you know, what
• 9:36
  Speaker 3: she would call an epidemic of the women carrying the
• 9:40
  Speaker 3: emotional load of the home?
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: Mm-hmm. So I don't want to make such a generalized
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: sweeping statement because, again, I don't want to take away
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: the fact that men carry so much on their shoulders, too.
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: you know, uh, providing for the family, taking care of
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: a lot of this stuff that happens around the home that,
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: you know, things that break or whatever.
• 10:04
  Speaker 3: Um, and, and we're just then when you said provider,
• 10:07
  Speaker 3: so some women may be the primary breadwinner. I think
• 10:10
  Speaker 3: we talked about that in the financial one, but, or
• 10:13
  Speaker 3: they're just an equal partner or they're, they're out making
• 10:15
  Speaker 3: money too, but that strong provision of protector, provider instinct
• 10:21
  Speaker 3: in a man. So, and that many times is just
• 10:24
  Speaker 3: going on silently in men and they're under a lot
• 10:27
  Speaker 3: of weight, a lot of stress, a lot of pressure
• 10:29
  Speaker 3: about that.
• 10:30
  Speaker 4: But I think most of the time, this is how
• 10:34
  Speaker 4: it was with us.
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: And it is this way with a lot of people
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: that we talk to, but I, again, I don't want
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: to completely generalize, but I think for the most part,
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: women just have this innate sense, this maternal instinct that
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: clicks on the minute they, you know, conceive and are
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: carrying that baby.
• 10:55
  Speaker 4: Or even once they adopt.
• 10:58
  Speaker 2: Something kicks in in them that is to like, what
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: are the things that I need to pay attention to,
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: to care for this baby, this toddler, this elementary school
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: age kid, this middle schooler, high schooler, whatever.
• 11:13
  Speaker 4: It's, it just never turns off.
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: It's what are the kids need and your life kind
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: of is their life, you know? And so I think
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: there's just, there's something that just keeps running in the
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: background of women's minds of, okay, what needs to happen next? Okay.
• 11:30
  Speaker 4: We've got to get baths.
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: We've got to get this for school tomorrow where they're just,
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: I think more in tune with to the kids needs.
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: And so I think a lot of that is just
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: running in the background all the time. Um, I would
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: like to speak to this because I, I feel like
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: that there was a season when we were in the
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: throes of, you know, either, you know, three small kids
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: where just naturally for me, it came pretty easily to
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: just do all the stuff for the kids. You were
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: a very present dad. The kids, you know, very active,
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: very present. But I was kind of the one, you know,
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: thinking of all the things that needed to happen for them.
• 12:20
  Speaker 4: And so I just.
• 12:22
  Speaker 3: It was kind of hard, honestly, to get out in
• 12:24
  Speaker 3: front of you. You're just a production machine. And when
• 12:27
  Speaker 3: you get it set and you've got this routine, this schedule,
• 12:30
  Speaker 3: and you're just in there doing it. You're very industrious.
• 12:33
  Speaker 3: I mean, the Proverbs 31 woman has nothing on you.
• 12:36
  Speaker 4: Aw, well, thanks.
• 12:37
  Speaker 3: Well, that's kind of what I was going to... But yeah,
• 12:39
  Speaker 3: so honestly, a lot of times I just let you
• 12:40
  Speaker 3: do it. Right.
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: It's like, okay, I got to bathe the kids. And
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, okay.
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 12:44
  Speaker 3: I guess I could go in there and play with
• 12:45
  Speaker 3: them halfway through bath time. But you're the one thinking
• 12:48
  Speaker 3: about it when they need to be bathed and getting
• 12:50
  Speaker 3: it all done. And, you know, and the clothes and the... Again,
• 12:53
  Speaker 3: I just remember... Yeah, sorry, I jumped in.
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: No, no, no.
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: But it was hard to kind of bust in.
• 12:57
  Speaker 2: That's actually where I was going to go with this
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: is that because that did come naturally to me, I
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: just was in like forward motion and just getting it done.
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: I mean, there was so much to do for all
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: three kids, all three ages, you know, all needing different things.
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: And so I just did it. And I never thought
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: about like, this is too much. Like, I'm not going
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: to cry, uncle. I just did what I did. It
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: just kind of came easily for me. Although there were
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: times that it was Very high stress. So any of
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: you young mamas out there, you know what I'm talking about.
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: But I will say I could have asked you for
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: help and I didn't. Sometimes to me, I just thought, oh,
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: good grief. I don't even have time to like I thought,
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: what if I ask Brian to help do this or that?
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: But like it's almost easier just to do it myself
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: than to try to like explain what you know, here,
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: we're going to go through these clothes and let's take
• 14:01
  Speaker 2: out the three month, six month, nine month clothes and
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: just get, you know, I mean, that's one little tiny,
• 14:08
  Speaker 2: tiny thing that you just think, I'm just going to
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: do it. And so part of that, I needed to
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: own because I didn't ask you for help. And like
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: you said, you're like, you look like you're doing pretty good.
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: You know, you just keep on and you had your
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: own fish to fry, you know, so you were doing
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: your own thing for us and for our family, for
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: our home. And so, uh, I think I could have
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: done probably a better job at asking for help. So
• 14:36
  Speaker 2: a couple of things you could think about there. Why
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: didn't I? Well, sometimes you're just, it's just easier to
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: do it yourself. Number two, feel bad asking, he's doing
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: so much already. Like, come on, just, you can do it.
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: Buck up, you know, get it from the gut.
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: You do it.
• 14:53
  Speaker 4: Also, there might be, well, this is the way I
• 14:55
  Speaker 4: want it to be done. And Brian might not do
• 14:58
  Speaker 4: it the way that I want it done. And so
• 15:01
  Speaker 4: I'm just going to do it.
• 15:02
  Speaker 3: It's hard to delegate when somebody, if you want something
• 15:05
  Speaker 3: done right, you got to do it yourself.
• 15:07
  Speaker 4: So I want you to tell the story of your dream.
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 15:11
  Speaker 3: Cause I think a lot of times what, what I
• 15:15
  Speaker 3: did was a, you were so good at stuff and
• 15:19
  Speaker 3: I knew I could kind of, I mean, you didn't gripe,
• 15:21
  Speaker 3: you didn't complain. And some people are just, they're, they're,
• 15:24
  Speaker 3: you know, grumbling, complaining, Hey dude, hello. Don't wait for
• 15:27
  Speaker 3: me to tell you, you need to just figure this out. I, and,
• 15:31
  Speaker 3: and they're, they're resentful. Maybe they don't, maybe they are
• 15:33
  Speaker 3: asking for help.
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 15:35
  Speaker 3: But with you, like you didn't, as you said, and
• 15:39
  Speaker 3: you were just good at it. And honestly, I could
• 15:41
  Speaker 3: just kind of do my, my thing, but I did rationalize.
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: I was working hard.
• 15:46
  Speaker 3: I was working, you know, many times, uh, before ministry
• 15:50
  Speaker 3: and then in ministry, you know, 50, 60 hours a week,
• 15:53
  Speaker 3: you know, and, and, and beyond. And I mean, there
• 15:56
  Speaker 3: was times there, it was, it was insane when we
• 15:57
  Speaker 3: were planting churches and stuff, but, um, and it's like,
• 16:02
  Speaker 3: you know, starting a new business, like 24 seven, you're
• 16:04
  Speaker 3: doing everything. You're wearing all these different hats. So, and
• 16:08
  Speaker 3: you were, you know, you were a school teacher, but
• 16:11
  Speaker 3: then you stayed home with our kids, which again, there's
• 16:14
  Speaker 3: no price tagging. It's invaluable for you to be home
• 16:17
  Speaker 3: raising our children. But I just thought kind of, I'm
• 16:22
  Speaker 3: doing my part, right? And so I didn't feel a
• 16:26
  Speaker 3: ton of guilt, but then there were times where I'd
• 16:28
  Speaker 3: just watch you, you know, you're cooking the meal. And
• 16:30
  Speaker 3: then after the meal, you're cleaning up the meals and,
• 16:34
  Speaker 3: you know, and I may just pitch in and help
• 16:36
  Speaker 3: here and there, but A lot of times I just didn't. And,
• 16:39
  Speaker 3: you know, I would come in, like you said, like
• 16:41
  Speaker 3: you're doing the bath time, but I'd come in there
• 16:43
  Speaker 3: and play with them a little bit and, you know,
• 16:45
  Speaker 3: dry them off and then wrestle with the boys and
• 16:47
  Speaker 3: just whatever.
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: I wasn't involved, dad.
• 16:50
  Speaker 3: And I love to play with the kids, but you
• 16:52
  Speaker 3: were taking care of all of the, like just doing
• 16:57
  Speaker 3: the heavy lifting around the house, honestly. And so I
• 17:00
  Speaker 3: remember distinctly one night I went to bed and it was, I, I,
• 17:06
  Speaker 3: so I had this dream and I woke up, but
• 17:08
  Speaker 3: I felt like it was one of those like lucid
• 17:11
  Speaker 3: dreams where I was like awake, but I was, I
• 17:14
  Speaker 3: was still sleeping, but I literally felt like, I mean,
• 17:18
  Speaker 3: I woke up and you were on the end, like
• 17:23
  Speaker 3: facing the bed on the dresser, sitting with your hands
• 17:28
  Speaker 3: kind of to your side and you lean forward on
• 17:31
  Speaker 3: the dresser and you said.
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: Help me. And I was like, oh my gosh.
• 17:34
  Speaker 3: And then I woke up, but it was like, it
• 17:36
  Speaker 3: was so clear. And I just felt like that was
• 17:40
  Speaker 3: literally kind of God waking me up saying, dude, you
• 17:43
  Speaker 3: need to help your wife. She's not asking for it,
• 17:46
  Speaker 3: but here she is in a dream appearing to me saying,
• 17:49
  Speaker 3: help me. And that was kind of a turning point
• 17:52
  Speaker 3: for me. I started being very, if there hadn't been
• 17:55
  Speaker 3: just a tinge of guilt here and there before, which
• 17:58
  Speaker 3: there had, but now all of a sudden, but it
• 18:00
  Speaker 3: wasn't guilt. It was like, dude, this is your responsibility.
• 18:04
  Speaker 3: Like she's got this heavy weight. She doesn't ask for help,
• 18:07
  Speaker 3: but she's got to be overwhelmed. She's got to be stressed.
• 18:09
  Speaker 3: She's got to be drowning at times. So you need
• 18:12
  Speaker 3: to jump in. And I just remember thinking then, like
• 18:16
  Speaker 3: at five o'clock, I mean, it's nine to five, whatever,
• 18:20
  Speaker 3: but at six o'clock, seven, whenever you come home, you're tired.
• 18:24
  Speaker 3: You've done your work outside the home. But I just
• 18:26
  Speaker 3: remember thinking, dude, when you step over that threshold, that's
• 18:30
  Speaker 3: when your primary job begins. Like that's when you need
• 18:33
  Speaker 3: to be on. And if you need to, you know,
• 18:35
  Speaker 3: drink an energy drink or have some caffeine or whatever
• 18:38
  Speaker 3: it is you need to do to be able to
• 18:41
  Speaker 3: get it from the gut, you need to jump in.
• 18:44
  Speaker 3: And that's when your job starts. And that was a good,
• 18:47
  Speaker 3: I think that was a good thing for us. So
• 18:49
  Speaker 3: I guess I want to talk about not the women
• 18:52
  Speaker 3: who aren't complaining about carrying the, and I guess let's
• 18:57
  Speaker 3: talk about what the emotional load really means. When I
• 18:59
  Speaker 3: say Like that woman who was speaking about carrying the
• 19:02
  Speaker 3: emotional load, not necessarily even the chores or whatever. What
• 19:06
  Speaker 3: does that mean to you if you were carrying primarily
• 19:09
  Speaker 3: the emotional load of the home? Or the mental load?
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: It's hard to separate the chores, like you said, from
• 19:18
  Speaker 2: the mental load because so much of it is just
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: knowing what's coming, what needs to be done, thinking ahead.
• 19:27
  Speaker 4: You're also thinking, are we.
• 19:30
  Speaker 4: Am I over-mothering? Am I teaching them enough?
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: Why is one of them struggling in school or one
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: of them got in trouble for this? And so there's
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: a lot of that. You carry that like, man, did
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: we do something?
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: Are we.
• 19:50
  Speaker 4: We doing right?
• 19:51
  Speaker 2: And then you're thinking of the marriage, and then you're
• 19:54
  Speaker 2: thinking of... You feel like you've got so many plates
• 19:58
  Speaker 2: in the air. Or if you want to think of
• 19:59
  Speaker 2: it like a computer, so many tabs open, it's really
• 20:04
  Speaker 2: hard to get your brain to stop because you're just managing.
• 20:09
  Speaker 4: you know, it's a small company.
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: There's a lot going on and there's so much, I
• 20:15
  Speaker 2: think women a lot of times are feelers. And so
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: we just have this intuition about how, you know, things
• 20:23
  Speaker 2: are rocking and rolling or things are kind of off kilter,
• 20:26
  Speaker 2: out of balance. And so we're just, I think at
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: any given moment, we're just managing a lot between, you know,
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: the physical that needs to happen and but then also
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: the mental and emotional well-being of our kids and all
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: of their different ages and stages of our husbands, of ourselves.
• 20:48
  Speaker 3: And if it's true that women come by it honestly, right?
• 20:54
  Speaker 3: In other words, this maternal nesting instinct and this intuition,
• 20:58
  Speaker 3: you just know what needs to be done, so you
• 20:59
  Speaker 3: just do it.
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: So, so many women then aren't as, I guess.
• 21:05
  Speaker 3: silent about it as you were, or just like, I mean,
• 21:08
  Speaker 3: you were just so appreciative about what I did and
• 21:12
  Speaker 3: you just thought this is my job and I'll suck
• 21:13
  Speaker 3: it up.
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: But some women aren't.
• 21:15
  Speaker 3: And so they get resentful and they're like, dude, and
• 21:17
  Speaker 3: they're telling their husband they do need help. And so
• 21:20
  Speaker 3: one of the things that helped me is a lot
• 21:24
  Speaker 3: of men just don't know where to start. Like, man,
• 21:27
  Speaker 3: I'm working, you know, and I've got my mind on
• 21:30
  Speaker 3: the job. And sometimes I come home and I've still
• 21:32
  Speaker 3: got to work or, you know, especially now because you
• 21:35
  Speaker 3: can write with the internet and, um, people are on
• 21:39
  Speaker 3: their phones still, you know, trying to work, but it's like, okay,
• 21:42
  Speaker 3: but I need you to engage at home. And I
• 21:45
  Speaker 3: remember something was so helpful when Jimmy Evans and his
• 21:48
  Speaker 3: top four needs of men and women talked about that,
• 21:52
  Speaker 3: that need of, for women, you know, the, the, it
• 21:56
  Speaker 3: was the fourth need on their list for men to
• 21:59
  Speaker 3: be an initiator with the kids and spirituality, romance, and finances.
• 22:05
  Speaker 3: And just hearing that, okay, so she's thinking about that stuff,
• 22:08
  Speaker 3: but let me be a leader in that. Let me
• 22:11
  Speaker 3: initiate conversations. So, okay, he's thinking about it. Because a
• 22:14
  Speaker 3: lot of times it's just that resentment starts to set
• 22:17
  Speaker 3: in when they feel like their husbands aren't thinking about
• 22:20
  Speaker 3: it at all. So I've got to do it all, right?
• 22:22
  Speaker 3: Or I've got to carry it. I've got to dream
• 22:24
  Speaker 3: it up. I've got to cast a vision for him
• 22:26
  Speaker 3: or tell him what to do. So it helped me know, okay,
• 22:32
  Speaker 3: she wants me to initiate conversations and thinking about and
• 22:36
  Speaker 3: some action with those four areas. So the kids, romance, spirituality.
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: And finances.
• 22:43
  Speaker 4: That's huge. Yeah.
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: And that went a long way.
• 22:47
  Speaker 3: I mean, I hear a lot of women say, I
• 22:48
  Speaker 3: want my husband to be the spiritual leader of the home.
• 22:51
  Speaker 3: And that could be a whole nother podcast. But he's like, well,
• 22:53
  Speaker 3: I want to, I don't even know what that means.
• 22:55
  Speaker 3: Or- I feel like I'm doing it, but it's not
• 22:59
  Speaker 3: in the way she wants me to. So, and you
• 23:02
  Speaker 3: mentioned this, I, there's so many couples that we talked to.
• 23:06
  Speaker 3: And I remember one just recently and the woman was
• 23:10
  Speaker 3: resentful because her idea of a clean house, of the
• 23:15
  Speaker 3: way the dishes were to be done, of the way
• 23:17
  Speaker 3: the laundry was to be done. And he would try
• 23:19
  Speaker 3: to jump in and do it. It's just, no, no, no,
• 23:22
  Speaker 3: that's not my way. That's not the timeliness that I wanted.
• 23:25
  Speaker 3: I wanted it done the first thing when I get home.
• 23:27
  Speaker 3: He's like, dude, I want to relax when I get home.
• 23:29
  Speaker 3: I'll get to it. But it wasn't got to soon enough.
• 23:33
  Speaker 3: And so then she just went in there and did
• 23:36
  Speaker 3: it herself. And doing it herself demonstrably in front of
• 23:39
  Speaker 3: him to say, you should have done this. Look at me,
• 23:42
  Speaker 3: I'm having to do it. So speak to that where
• 23:45
  Speaker 3: some women feel like, I think it shuts men down
• 23:48
  Speaker 3: because they're not doing it up to snuff or they're
• 23:51
  Speaker 3: not doing it up to par the way the woman
• 23:53
  Speaker 3: wants him to do it or in the timeframe that
• 23:56
  Speaker 3: she wants him to do it.
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: And I think that just speaks to the separateness that
• 24:00
  Speaker 2: so many couples live in. They're just completely not even,
• 24:05
  Speaker 2: they're not on the same page. They're not even in
• 24:07
  Speaker 2: the same book. He goes off to work and does
• 24:10
  Speaker 2: his thing. She does her stuff, works and then takes
• 24:13
  Speaker 2: care of stuff around the house and just, just They're
• 24:17
  Speaker 2: completely separate. And so they start to build this kind
• 24:21
  Speaker 2: of wall of resentment and kind of builds into some,
• 24:25
  Speaker 2: you know, there's this contempt between them.
• 24:29
  Speaker 4: And she starts to believe like he doesn't even care.
• 24:32
  Speaker 2: She's having these conversations building up in her head about
• 24:37
  Speaker 2: how he feels or doesn't feel or what he's showing
• 24:41
  Speaker 2: her or what he's not showing her. And she's maybe
• 24:44
  Speaker 2: not even having those conversations with him. Or when she does,
• 24:48
  Speaker 2: it's like you said, just in a very angry fashion.
• 24:54
  Speaker 2: Instead of just saying, man, I'm missing you. I'm missing
• 24:59
  Speaker 2: some stuff in our marriage, and I just want to
• 25:02
  Speaker 2: talk to you. Kind of take a breath and bow down.
• 25:07
  Speaker 2: I think so many times, women are dysregulated because of
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: that emotional or mental load that we're carrying. And we
• 25:15
  Speaker 2: get upset because whatever he did or said just set
• 25:19
  Speaker 2: you off. And so you start to say things that
• 25:22
  Speaker 2: you don't mean, or maybe you mean them, but you
• 25:25
  Speaker 2: just need to be careful about how you say them.
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: And really, when you guys can have a conversation, it
• 25:32
  Speaker 2: comes down to both of you sitting down when you're
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: not you know, emotionally unregulated, you know, and just yelling
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: things at each other. But when you can really sit
• 25:43
  Speaker 2: down and just say, man, I want to really have
• 25:47
  Speaker 2: a conversation about some of this and tell you what's
• 25:50
  Speaker 2: on my heart and begin to kind of open your
• 25:55
  Speaker 2: heart to a new way of thinking about him. So,
• 25:58
  Speaker 2: and you talk about this a lot about the positive
• 26:02
  Speaker 2: sentiment override, believing that your spouse has the best in
• 26:08
  Speaker 2: their heart for you. And just because it's not getting
• 26:12
  Speaker 2: done or it's not getting done the way you wanted
• 26:16
  Speaker 2: it done or when you wanted it done doesn't mean
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: that he's doing that to harm you, to hurt you,
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: to make you angry. I think so much can happen
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: through a good, honest conversation when you're both calm. And
• 26:35
  Speaker 2: if you just ask yourself, you know what, maybe I'm
• 26:38
  Speaker 2: reading into this a lot. Maybe I'm creating a lot
• 26:42
  Speaker 2: of stories in my head. What would happen? Because this
• 26:45
  Speaker 2: way isn't working. What would happen if I gave him
• 26:48
  Speaker 2: the benefit of the doubt and thought, you know what,
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: he really does love me. He loves our family. What
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: if he just doesn't know how to show it? What
• 26:57
  Speaker 2: if he's really struggling? And take those glasses off where
• 27:03
  Speaker 2: you're just looking at him through you know, just the
• 27:06
  Speaker 2: negative and have a good conversation to get on the
• 27:12
  Speaker 2: same page.
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: That's great.
• 27:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 27:15
  Speaker 3: And I just think about what shuts that down. So
• 27:18
  Speaker 3: many people aren't there. I mean, you're just gearing up
• 27:21
  Speaker 3: for a fight. So a lot of times we're defensive
• 27:23
  Speaker 3: because the person, we feel like we've been attacked because
• 27:27
  Speaker 3: somebody's coming at us like, look what I'm doing.
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: Look, I mean, have you seen? Hello? I've done this, this, this.
• 27:34
  Speaker 3: And so immediately then what I would want to do is, well, hello,
• 27:39
  Speaker 3: I've done this, this and this. And we laughed at
• 27:41
  Speaker 3: the tops, you know, the tit for tat or trying
• 27:42
  Speaker 3: to one up one another. But so many times when
• 27:46
  Speaker 3: our spouse comes to us and they're feeling overwhelmed, we
• 27:50
  Speaker 3: feel like we get defensive saying you're not helping me
• 27:53
  Speaker 3: when many times if I could just listen and say, man,
• 27:57
  Speaker 3: that's a lot. Don't go into all that I'm doing
• 28:00
  Speaker 3: because I feel like you're trying to tell me I
• 28:02
  Speaker 3: should have been helping you.
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: Well, Hey, I wouldn't, that'd be nice. When would I
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: have time to do that?
• 28:06
  Speaker 3: Cause I've done this and this and this instead of
• 28:08
  Speaker 3: getting into this, who's done more and who's, you know,
• 28:12
  Speaker 3: got the most bricks on their load at any given time.
• 28:14
  Speaker 3: If I could just be quiet and listen or the
• 28:18
  Speaker 3: spouse can just listen and say, okay, they're really feeling
• 28:22
  Speaker 3: overwhelmed right now. How can I help you? You know,
• 28:25
  Speaker 3: Instead of, well, look at me. And, and so, and
• 28:30
  Speaker 3: I've said it a million times on this podcast, but man,
• 28:32
  Speaker 3: one of the things that really changed for us is
• 28:35
  Speaker 3: that gratitude thing. So when that couple said, do two things,
• 28:38
  Speaker 3: don't criticize and to thank your, your partner often and
• 28:43
  Speaker 3: be specific with your things. So when you start, so
• 28:47
  Speaker 3: in other words, if you're harboring some resentment, okay, I
• 28:50
  Speaker 3: guarantee he's going to walk right past that laundry basket.
• 28:53
  Speaker 3: And those towels need to be folded, but I know
• 28:56
  Speaker 3: he's not going to fold them. But instead of, so
• 28:58
  Speaker 3: you're looking for the stuff he's not doing or that
• 29:01
  Speaker 3: she's not doing. How about looking for the things that
• 29:04
  Speaker 3: they are doing and then telling them you notice that. So,
• 29:07
  Speaker 3: so many times we're not feeling appreciated. And so then
• 29:11
  Speaker 3: when the partners bringing up the stuff that's really turning
• 29:15
  Speaker 3: their crank because they feel like they're carrying so much
• 29:18
  Speaker 3: of the load, again, instead of being defensive and start
• 29:21
  Speaker 3: naming the things we're doing, how about saying, man, that's
• 29:24
  Speaker 3: a lot, sweetheart. And you know, I really do appreciate
• 29:27
  Speaker 3: you doing all that. I really do.
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: How can I help?
• 29:30
  Speaker 2: Right. I remember, unless I'm just not, not remembering correctly,
• 29:36
  Speaker 2: but I remember you for a very long time, even
• 29:39
  Speaker 2: when the kids were younger, before you heard from that
• 29:42
  Speaker 2: couple that had been married for so long that gave
• 29:45
  Speaker 2: you the, those two pointers. I think that you have
• 29:50
  Speaker 2: for a long, long time shown gratitude for me and
• 29:55
  Speaker 2: for what I've done. Even if it's just a simple like, hey,
• 30:00
  Speaker 2: thanks for that meal. That was delicious. You just said
• 30:02
  Speaker 2: it 30 minutes ago when we had dinner. You say
• 30:05
  Speaker 2: it every single time. And I think that's why for
• 30:09
  Speaker 2: our whole marriage, I've enjoyed cooking. Like I think I
• 30:13
  Speaker 2: would have anyway. But if everyone's just going to gobble
• 30:16
  Speaker 2: it up and no one's ever going to say thank
• 30:18
  Speaker 2: you or like, man, that was really good. Hey, star
• 30:20
  Speaker 2: that one. Let's do that again. You've said that for
• 30:23
  Speaker 2: so long. That encouraged me.
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: And we can get into love languages and all that.
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: But you know what?
• 30:29
  Speaker 3: Everyone, you know, oh, words of affirmation. But everyone wants
• 30:33
  Speaker 3: to be noticed. We want to be appreciated. Like, do
• 30:36
  Speaker 3: you see what I'm doing?
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: That's it. Do you see me?
• 30:38
  Speaker 3: Do you understand how much I'm doing? And if you
• 30:41
  Speaker 3: started to get that, like, I don't feel like you
• 30:43
  Speaker 3: appreciate me. And by the way, I'm doing way more
• 30:47
  Speaker 3: than you are. If you're already there, I think you've
• 30:49
  Speaker 3: got to start having more of a bitter heart or
• 30:52
  Speaker 3: a closed heart towards your spouse.
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: So then.
• 30:55
  Speaker 3: it is hard to recognize the things that they are doing.
• 30:57
  Speaker 3: Like then, then your partner becomes a ghost or becomes invisible.
• 31:00
  Speaker 3: You don't notice because you're just harboring the resentment about
• 31:04
  Speaker 3: all the things that they aren't helping you with. And
• 31:07
  Speaker 3: so starting off, I mean, that would be my thing.
• 31:10
  Speaker 3: I think we've said, again, I feel like I've just
• 31:12
  Speaker 3: keep going over this, but it's, it's literally is like
• 31:15
  Speaker 3: a revolutionizing kind of thing in a, in a marriage
• 31:19
  Speaker 3: where you start to notice that And tell, express thanks
• 31:25
  Speaker 3: for the things that your spouse is doing, things that
• 31:27
  Speaker 3: you appreciate. I mean, again, it's all about a mindset. Again,
• 31:30
  Speaker 3: we know we can all wake up and think, what
• 31:33
  Speaker 3: am I annoyed with today? Especially if you're looking for one,
• 31:36
  Speaker 3: you're going to find it, right? But if you think,
• 31:39
  Speaker 3: what are some things, you know, catch your spouse doing
• 31:41
  Speaker 3: something right. What are some things that I really appreciate
• 31:44
  Speaker 3: that they're doing, that they do consistently?
• 31:47
  Speaker 1: And let me tell them.
• 31:48
  Speaker 2: Mm-hmm.
• 31:48
  Speaker 3: And yeah, I mean, we've joked about it, but you
• 31:51
  Speaker 3: literally tell me every time I mow the yard, the
• 31:53
  Speaker 3: yard looks nice. And I tell you every single time
• 31:56
  Speaker 3: you cook a meal that it was amazing.
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: And it was. I mean, I'm freaking very lucky.
• 32:00
  Speaker 4: You're not lying.
• 32:01
  Speaker 3: The beef and broccoli was great tonight, babe. So what
• 32:06
  Speaker 3: are some, let's get real practical here. What are some
• 32:09
  Speaker 3: practical tips? So if we were to challenge the couples
• 32:12
  Speaker 3: this week, what's something that they can do that can
• 32:16
  Speaker 3: put a twist on this thing?
• 32:18
  Speaker 2: So I think it all comes down, like we said,
• 32:22
  Speaker 2: to having a good conversation about this. So say you're
• 32:27
  Speaker 2: listening to this, and maybe your spouse is too, or
• 32:30
  Speaker 2: maybe they're not, to take the time and just say, hey, listen,
• 32:33
  Speaker 2: I listened to a podcast today, and they were talking
• 32:37
  Speaker 2: about the....
• 32:42
  Speaker 4: Division of labor, all that we do or whatever.
• 32:44
  Speaker 2: You know, I'd love for us to do, they challenge
• 32:47
  Speaker 2: us to do this little exercise. So here's what I,
• 32:49
  Speaker 2: I think would be kind of cool is if you
• 32:51
  Speaker 2: both separately made a list of three things that you
• 32:59
  Speaker 2: appreciate about your spouse. So you're off doing it and
• 33:03
  Speaker 2: he's off doing it. So three things that you appreciate
• 33:05
  Speaker 2: about your spouse that you see them as doing that
• 33:10
  Speaker 2: maybe you have never mentioned before?
• 33:12
  Speaker 3: That right there is going to be worth its weight
• 33:14
  Speaker 3: in gold.
• 33:15
  Speaker 1: Trust me.
• 33:16
  Speaker 3: Three things that you notice that your spouse is doing
• 33:18
  Speaker 3: that you appreciate and then tell them how much you
• 33:20
  Speaker 3: appreciate it.
• 33:21
  Speaker 2: And then, so there's going to be three different lists
• 33:26
  Speaker 2: that you're going to do. Three different things that you're
• 33:28
  Speaker 2: going to do. So one, three things that you're thankful for.
• 33:32
  Speaker 2: The next thing, what are three things that your spouse
• 33:36
  Speaker 2: is notices that they are appreciative of you and they
• 33:42
  Speaker 2: tell you. So if I'm having the conversation with you, hey, babe,
• 33:47
  Speaker 2: these are three things that I know that you always
• 33:50
  Speaker 2: say thank you to me for.
• 33:51
  Speaker 1: And that fuels my fire. Thank you. So yeah, you're like, okay,
• 33:54
  Speaker 1: that's good to know.
• 33:55
  Speaker 2: And then the next list is how about three things
• 33:58
  Speaker 2: that you may be doing that you're not sure if
• 34:02
  Speaker 2: your spouse even knows you do it. Or even recognizes it.
• 34:06
  Speaker 3: You're feeling underappreciated or unseen.
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: Just, yeah, undervalued in that area.
• 34:13
  Speaker 2: So you're each going to make three lists. One, three
• 34:16
  Speaker 2: things that you appreciate about your spouse. The second list,
• 34:20
  Speaker 2: three things that you know they notice and they tell
• 34:24
  Speaker 2: you what they appreciate about you. And then the third list,
• 34:29
  Speaker 2: three things that you think you do that they probably
• 34:32
  Speaker 2: don't recognize or have never said thank you for it.
• 34:37
  Speaker 1: Or that you.
• 34:38
  Speaker 3: Appreciate, they appreciate it. So many times we get, and
• 34:41
  Speaker 3: trade lists.
• 34:42
  Speaker 1: And then... No defending.
• 34:45
  Speaker 3: No judgment, no defending, and sit there with it and
• 34:47
  Speaker 3: then have a conversation about it. And I was just
• 34:50
  Speaker 3: thinking so many times, we think, well, I'm not, I
• 34:55
  Speaker 3: just expect you to do that. I'm not going to
• 34:57
  Speaker 3: say thank you, or I don't expect you to thank me.
• 35:00
  Speaker 3: This is just what I'm supposed to do or what I'm,
• 35:02
  Speaker 3: but man, if you get into that where you're just thinking, well,
• 35:05
  Speaker 3: of course you need to, you need to do that.
• 35:07
  Speaker 3: It's your responsibility, man. Again, people, we could, we could
• 35:12
  Speaker 3: all do stuff. And, and we, but like on our own,
• 35:17
  Speaker 3: but we're with a partner and we're a team and
• 35:21
  Speaker 3: you want to know, that your team, your teammate feels
• 35:25
  Speaker 3: like you're a valid team member, like that you're, you're
• 35:29
  Speaker 3: not dead weight, that they're not carrying you on their shoulders. Like,
• 35:32
  Speaker 3: like you're, thank you for being this, like, man, we're
• 35:34
  Speaker 3: a dream team. Like we got this and, and just
• 35:38
  Speaker 3: see if that doesn't just fuel that esprit de corps,
• 35:40
  Speaker 3: that feeling of team and partnership. And so many of
• 35:44
  Speaker 3: you may think, well, we're just not partners in anything
• 35:47
  Speaker 3: at all. We'll see if this could like help you,
• 35:49
  Speaker 3: like help to start bond you as a team.
• 35:52
  Speaker 1: And remember, you are on the same team.
• 35:54
  Speaker 4: You got to try something new.
• 35:56
  Speaker 2: If you feel like you're to the point where you're
• 35:58
  Speaker 2: hanging on by a thread, what would it hurt to
• 36:01
  Speaker 2: try this? And just see, sometimes it's the simplest things
• 36:06
  Speaker 2: that done consistently will turn things around. And one of
• 36:10
  Speaker 2: you has to be the more mature one. Probably at
• 36:14
  Speaker 2: any given time, neither one of you wants to be
• 36:18
  Speaker 2: the one. You know, I'm so angry or I'm so
• 36:21
  Speaker 2: bitter or I'm so resentful or it's gone on so long. Okay,
• 36:25
  Speaker 2: could you get it from the gut and do this
• 36:27
  Speaker 2: one thing? Could you just try gratitude? Could you try
• 36:31
  Speaker 2: sitting down to have a conversation like this and make
• 36:34
  Speaker 2: the lists happen? And share them with each other.
• 36:36
  Speaker 3: And the stalemate that we see, like when couples come
• 36:41
  Speaker 3: to the impasse, basically it's one feels like, you know what?
• 36:47
  Speaker 3: I was the one who was pushing for marriage counseling.
• 36:49
  Speaker 3: Or I was the one appreciating and noticing things and
• 36:52
  Speaker 3: telling them. But they never did. They just never, ever
• 36:56
  Speaker 3: came to the table. They weren't initiating. They weren't appreciating.
• 37:00
  Speaker 3: So kind of, I'm done. I'm waiting for them. Well,
• 37:03
  Speaker 3: if you're waiting for that, what we're asking you to
• 37:05
  Speaker 3: do now is to like re-up on your commitment to saying,
• 37:10
  Speaker 3: you know what, I'm going to do this and see
• 37:12
  Speaker 3: if it doesn't spark or unlock something in your spouse.
• 37:16
  Speaker 3: So many times, in other words, we are, we're at this, well,
• 37:18
  Speaker 3: I'm not trying if he's not trying. Well, I ain't
• 37:21
  Speaker 3: trying if she's not trying.
• 37:23
  Speaker 4: It's like, So you're going nowhere fast.
• 37:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 37:27
  Speaker 3: Yeah. I'm going to take my ball and go home.
• 37:28
  Speaker 3: Like you're the childish, you know, wounded, hurt person. And look,
• 37:32
  Speaker 3: I understand when you're in a place where you feel
• 37:35
  Speaker 3: like nothing is being reciprocated, that can be, that can
• 37:39
  Speaker 3: be really, really hard, but that's where we come in.
• 37:41
  Speaker 3: That's where marriage coaching can help turn that around. Because
• 37:44
  Speaker 3: what we do is we, we look into that and
• 37:47
  Speaker 3: we say, okay, Hey, we've been there and people want
• 37:49
  Speaker 3: to know, well, how do you get past that? What, like,
• 37:51
  Speaker 3: how do you get past the stalemate? How do you
• 37:53
  Speaker 3: get where both hearts are closed? Both hearts are resentful. Well,
• 37:56
  Speaker 3: she's not, so I'm not.
• 37:58
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 37:59
  Speaker 3: So it's that it's so incredible when one can find
• 38:03
  Speaker 3: it from the gut. And I say, when people say, well,
• 38:05
  Speaker 3: who is it? It's the more mature one. It's the
• 38:08
  Speaker 3: one who can do it in the face of no reciprocal,
• 38:11
  Speaker 3: but you have to start somewhere. And sometimes you can
• 38:14
  Speaker 3: start that positive forward momentum by doing it because man,
• 38:18
  Speaker 3: Your spouse, no matter what you think, they're not blind, deaf,
• 38:22
  Speaker 3: and dumb. I mean, they are not unaware of if
• 38:28
  Speaker 3: they saw you all of a sudden, man, she's serving
• 38:31
  Speaker 3: me like crazy. Oh, my gosh, look at him. He's
• 38:34
  Speaker 3: doing that without being asked. Like they're going to start
• 38:37
  Speaker 3: to notice. And that's the heaping coals of burning coals, right?
• 38:42
  Speaker 3: It's like maybe that could do something to convict a
• 38:45
  Speaker 3: heart to say, you know what? okay, I see what
• 38:48
  Speaker 3: they're doing and I want to pull my weight and
• 38:50
  Speaker 3: I want to do my part. And remember part, partner,
• 38:55
  Speaker 3: like doing your part. You're a partner. You are in
• 38:58
  Speaker 3: a partnership. You're a friendship. You're a relationship. Like I said,
• 39:03
  Speaker 3: you can do stuff on your own, but you weren't
• 39:06
  Speaker 3: meant to do that. We need to be in the huddle.
• 39:09
  Speaker 3: And in that huddle, it's not, come on, dude, what
• 39:13
  Speaker 3: are you doing in this huddle, right? I'm the one
• 39:16
  Speaker 3: who's going to snap the ball and I'm going to
• 39:17
  Speaker 3: carry the ball and I'm going to have to, it's like, no,
• 39:20
  Speaker 3: I appreciate you. I value you. Like you're a freaking good,
• 39:23
  Speaker 3: we're a good team and I'm glad you're my teammate.
• 39:25
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 39:26
  Speaker 1: It's a whole different mindset.
• 39:27
  Speaker 3: Yeah. All right.
• 39:28
  Speaker 1: Well, there's your challenge for the week.
• 39:30
  Speaker 4: Week.
• 39:31
  Speaker 1: Okay. So what, um, so on the, you see it coming,
• 39:39
  Speaker 1: don't you?
• 39:40
  Speaker 4: On the sign off, the closing.
• 39:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 39:42
  Speaker 1: You got one? You got one?
• 39:46
  Speaker 3: It's a challenge for the week. And what does the
• 39:49
  Speaker 3: word challenge start with? Doesn't it start with a big
• 39:52
  Speaker 3: old C?