Latest / The Kink Consultant / Ep 21 - Dominance & Submission 101: Communication, Boundaries & Building the Right Dynamic

Transcript

Ep 21 - Dominance & Submission 101: Communication, Boundaries & Building the Right Dynamic · The Kink Consultant

• 0:07
  Welcome to Quick and Clinky, where we take your burning
• 0:09
  questions about kink, relationships, and everything in
• 0:12
  between and break them down into bite sized answers.
• 0:15
  Let's dive in. A lot of people have this idea
• 0:22
  that a Dom sub relationship is just about power and control,
• 0:26
  but in reality, it's much more about communication, coming to
• 0:29
  the table together and agreeing on what you want to achieve out
• 0:33
  of your dynamic. How do you want to move forward
• 0:35
  in it? What are the things that you're
• 0:37
  both interested in trying and exploring and incorporating into
• 0:41
  your Dom sub relationship? It's not just one person
• 0:43
  deciding this is how it's going to be and the other person being
• 0:46
  like, I'm going to do whatever you say.
• 0:48
  So let's set the record straight and talk about DS dynamics.
• 0:51
  So what makes a great DS relationship?
• 0:54
  Communication. It's so cliche, but good
• 0:56
  communication is what makes or breaks it.
• 0:59
  OK? You could have three different
• 1:02
  dominant partners, OK, And they all have a different to how they
• 1:05
  Dom, or you could have three different submissive partners
• 1:08
  and they're all going to have their own flair of how they're
• 1:10
  sub. Some could be like a good sub,
• 1:12
  others could be bratty. What you need is strong
• 1:15
  communication between you 2 so you can adjust on the fly, like
• 1:18
  pause for a second, be like, this isn't working for me.
• 1:21
  We need to figure out how to adjust this.
• 1:22
  Without that, you just have two people moving forward in a
• 1:26
  dynamic, maybe one or both of them being unhappy.
• 1:30
  So you need to be able to communicate.
• 1:33
  I think it's really important that both people all are
• 1:35
  curious. In a kinky dynamic, you need
• 1:38
  curiosity. You need people asking questions
• 1:40
  like how did that feel? What did you enjoy about that?
• 1:43
  What could be better? You need that type of curiosity
• 1:46
  so that you're both consistently improving and making the
• 1:49
  relationship stronger and better.
• 1:51
  Without that type of communication, you're not going
• 1:54
  to figure out ways to make it better, and I think this is
• 1:57
  rare, if not impossible. Your dynamic is not going to
• 2:01
  progress because you can't just be curious about your own
• 2:03
  interests and means and wanting to explore those.
• 2:06
  You're in a partnership, a dynamic that means you're in it
• 2:10
  with someone else. So you need to be understanding
• 2:12
  what's going through their head, how they're feeling, as well as
• 2:15
  how you are. So it's like just as important
• 2:18
  to be able to share how you're feeling and what you're
• 2:20
  interested in as it is to ask questions and get that
• 2:23
  information out of your partner. So when we talk about DS
• 2:26
  Dynamics, technically you can be the dominant partner, the
• 2:29
  submissive partner, but then there are people out there who
• 2:31
  are also switches. They can easily flow into both
• 2:35
  and they might learn more Dom or more Subs.
• 2:37
  So you could see like Dom leading switch or sub leading
• 2:39
  switch written on some people's profiles.
• 2:41
  And there are kind of some easy ways to figure it out.
• 2:44
  But also just being in the lifestyle and exploring it help
• 2:47
  you figure out what you're into as well.
• 2:49
  So there's something called the bdsmtest.org and you can go in
• 2:54
  there and answer a bunch of questions and some of them are
• 2:56
  extreme, but that's because some people are into really extreme
• 2:59
  things. Just because you're not, those
• 3:00
  questions shouldn't scare you away, but you can get results on
• 3:03
  what percentage Subs vanilla you are.
• 3:07
  And I think that's really good insight and a great place to
• 3:10
  start. So that's number one.
• 3:11
  The other thing is just by being in a dynamic, you might feel
• 3:15
  certain ways over time, right? You might enter it as the
• 3:18
  submissive partner and then you realize, oh, my Dom's a little
• 3:22
  bit bratty and I have some stuff to say about that.
• 3:25
  And you know what? I would love to flip roles here
• 3:27
  with them right now. That might be an indicator
• 3:30
  you're a little bit of a switch sometimes.
• 3:32
  Personally, I get a little primal and I want to choke and
• 3:35
  slap and even though I would say I'm a sub leaning switch,
• 3:38
  there's definitely some switch in me too.
• 3:40
  One of the biggest misconceptions about the Dom sub
• 3:42
  dynamic is that people just enter into it and the amazing
• 3:46
  doms are born that way and amazing Subs are just going to
• 3:50
  be completely subservient and anticipate needs better than
• 3:54
  anybody that they've ever met. Simply and sadly not true.
• 3:58
  As I said, it takes a lot of communication to get there.
• 4:01
  I mean, even if you find your perfect Dom, there's still going
• 4:05
  to need some tweaks to be the perfect Dom for you.
• 4:08
  Likewise, if you find the perfect sub, there's still going
• 4:11
  to be need to be some tweaks for them to be the perfect sub for
• 4:14
  you. And I don't even believe in
• 4:15
  perfect. I just believe that two people
• 4:17
  can find each other and enter into a dynamic with the right
• 4:21
  level of flexibility and communication and it can lead to
• 4:24
  something really great. It's super important to know and
• 4:27
  understand if you are experiencing a healthy power
• 4:30
  exchange or if you're with someone who just wants to either
• 4:33
  give up control completely or just take control completely
• 4:36
  because it's a balancing act. Both people need to feel
• 4:40
  empowered in the dynamic in the relationship, to express their
• 4:44
  needs to be themselves and to bring things up.
• 4:48
  Neither party should feel like they can't speak up.
• 4:51
  Neither party should feel like they are just there to play a
• 4:54
  role. One of the big red flags that
• 4:57
  it's really easy for me to start filtering people out is when I
• 5:00
  first start talking to them or we start discussing the dynamic.
• 5:03
  If they throw out something like I make the decisions now you ask
• 5:07
  me. Or when I'm talking to a sub, if
• 5:10
  they're like, I just want to give you all my money and I want
• 5:12
  you to take control. As nice as those things might
• 5:16
  sound in a fantasy world, in reality, that's just not going
• 5:20
  to work, right? You can't expect to come in and
• 5:23
  be able to take control or give control over without all of this
• 5:27
  communication. And at no point are you ever
• 5:30
  fully giving up control. There should always be the safe
• 5:33
  words and those little things in place to make sure you are
• 5:36
  empowered to stop things when you want.
• 5:38
  Before entering into a Dom sub relationship, you absolutely
• 5:41
  need to discuss what you both want out of said relationship.
• 5:45
  Like go to your ideal end scenario and then figure out how
• 5:48
  to work back from there. So it's sort of like, OK, if we
• 5:51
  want something 24/7, I don't just say what I'm looking for is
• 5:54
  24/7. I mean I do.
• 5:56
  And then I start saying that is what this looks like for me.
• 6:00
  This is what I'm imagining. This is how the day starts.
• 6:03
  This is how much communication is happening between us.
• 6:06
  What does that look like for you or what is your goal?
• 6:09
  OK, so let's say we both start with our goals, the Dom and the
• 6:13
  sub, and we sort of bring it together to talk about what the
• 6:16
  ideal situation or the ideal goal is.
• 6:19
  This is what we both want. Then we got to talk about what
• 6:22
  the specifics look like. I always recommend people write
• 6:25
  everything out because this is my silly example.
• 6:29
  I could say the word house and yes, we could both think of an
• 6:32
  actual house and think of multiple variations like a shack
• 6:35
  or is it a mansion, but maybe someone's thinking doctor house
• 6:39
  the show when they hear the word house 2 completely different
• 6:42
  things, same word, right? Write it out and describe it in
• 6:46
  great detail so you understand if you're on the same page as
• 6:49
  someone. That is why I created the
• 6:51
  communication workbook for people who are trying to achieve
• 6:54
  this. It's a step by step guide to
• 6:57
  introduce what you're interested in.
• 6:59
  It helps you break it down into those like really granular
• 7:03
  pieces of information so that you you can come together with
• 7:05
  your partner and go through what you're both expecting out of a
• 7:07
  scenario. You can find it in the show
• 7:09
  notes below. When I realize a dynamic isn't
• 7:12
  working for me and sometimes it's because I've changed.
• 7:15
  Sometimes it's my partner's change or the dynamic just isn't
• 7:17
  serving us the same way anymore. I kind of do a virtual time out
• 7:21
  and I say, let's sit down and talk about what's going on.
• 7:24
  Sometimes I say we need to take a break, we need to pause.
• 7:28
  No matter what dynamic you're in, you should always be able to
• 7:31
  take a pause on it because life happens and you need to reset.
• 7:34
  So what I'll say is I need to take a break from this.
• 7:36
  I cannot be in the submissive role right now.
• 7:39
  I need to step out of it and readjust before I can step back
• 7:43
  into it. So I recommend calling a pause
• 7:46
  talking to your partner. Maybe you're pausing because of
• 7:49
  the way they're behaving or it's how you're feeling in the
• 7:52
  moment, but you need to have that conversation.
• 7:55
  The truth is, if you don't feel safe or comfortable having that
• 7:58
  conversation, I am questioning whether or not that relationship
• 8:02
  is healthy in in the first place.
• 8:04
  A lot of people think if I'm going to be in a Dom sub
• 8:06
  relationship, it needs to be 24/7.
• 8:09
  It's all in or all out. People practice in so many
• 8:12
  different ways. You could even be in something
• 8:15
  considered a little bit extreme like a master slave
• 8:17
  relationship. And that master slave
• 8:19
  relationship could just exist in the four walls of your bedroom
• 8:23
  on the 1st Saturday of the month.
• 8:25
  You know, between the 8 hours of eight and 10:00 PM.
• 8:28
  It can be a super specific thing or it can be more elaborate.
• 8:32
  It can be constant. I've been in a dynamic with
• 8:35
  someone where I don't know, the communication wasn't always
• 8:38
  there, like, are we in it or are we not?
• 8:40
  But we could just flow in and out of it at any time.
• 8:44
  There might be a joke like was that?
• 8:46
  Where was my yes, Sir, you know, And then I'm like, oh, we're
• 8:49
  playing right now. But there was a lot of looseness
• 8:52
  with that as well where we weren't really structured.
• 8:54
  And if I was like, listen, I'm not feeling it right now.
• 8:57
  That was totally fine as well. You know, so you can go from
• 9:00
  super loose to super strict. It is so customizable that there
• 9:04
  are no set rules. That's why this communication
• 9:06
  thing is really big, because the spectrum is huge.
• 9:10
  It's like really complex. There are so many options, so
• 9:13
  you need to be able to talk through it.
• 9:16
  All right, Kingster, let's talk about pleasure.
• 9:19
  Not just mine, Yours too. If you're enjoying this episode
• 9:22
  of The King Consultant, I need you to do me a little favor and
• 9:25
  I promise it'll feel oh so good. Take a second and give this
• 9:29
  podcast a five star rating. Just imagine your finger sliding
• 9:33
  all over that 5th star, pressing down, giving it exactly the kind
• 9:38
  of attention it deserves. Yeah, that's it.
• 9:41
  And you know what happens when you do?
• 9:43
  I get. All hot and bothered knowing
• 9:45
  you're out there showing your appreciation.
• 9:48
  Plus, every time you leave a review, a naughty little brat
• 9:51
  somewhere gets that spanking they've been begging for.
• 9:54
  So be a good listener and tap that star, won't you?
• 9:57
  Thanks love. Now let's get back to the fun.
• 10:04
  Had just in the bedroom dynamics where as soon as like we kind of
• 10:08
  ended the scene or as soon as someone orgasmed or both people
• 10:12
  orgasmed, hopefully it was over and everything was back to
• 10:15
  normal. You moved into the aftercare of
• 10:17
  like, oh, let's cuddle and talk about it.
• 10:19
  I've also had a much like more serious dynamic where from the
• 10:23
  moment we met to the moment we parted ways, we were in our
• 10:26
  roles. So when you're starting to have
• 10:29
  a dynamic or when you're starting discussions about what
• 10:32
  it is you want, one of the things you should discuss is how
• 10:35
  serious do we want to be about this?
• 10:37
  How intense do we want to be? And then once you decide that,
• 10:41
  scale it back from there too. You're dipping your toes in the
• 10:44
  water to see how this feels. You're introducing it slowly.
• 10:48
  I would never, ever recommend you go from zero to 100.
• 10:52
  You don't go from like, let's talk about this today and be in
• 10:56
  a 24/7 dynamic tomorrow. You're setting yourself up for
• 10:59
  failure. So what I'm going to suggest is
• 11:02
  you try maybe just doing it in the bedroom at first in the
• 11:05
  evenings starting at 6:00 PM, like time box it and say let's
• 11:09
  try this. And then you stop and discuss.
• 11:12
  You know you have a start time and an end time.
• 11:14
  When the end time comes, check in with each other, Set a
• 11:17
  schedule when your check in is going to happen.
• 11:19
  Maybe it can't happen as soon as it ends.
• 11:21
  Maybe you want it to happen immediately after, in which case
• 11:24
  you tailor the amount of time you're going to spend in this
• 11:27
  session or in this practice versus how much time you're
• 11:30
  going to spend talking about it after.
• 11:32
  Then start incorporating the feedback into the practice.
• 11:35
  Then you might go for longer. You might go a whole day trying
• 11:38
  to incorporate the DS relationship or trying to live
• 11:42
  the DS relationship. You want just be building on it
• 11:45
  and continue to talk to each other.
• 11:48
  That is why I made the Speak Your Desires with Confidence
• 11:50
  worksheet. It's like a template you can go
• 11:52
  back to over and over again to work through this process with
• 11:56
  your partner. Give feedback, Take feedback,
• 11:58
  journal your thoughts about how you're feeling and how you want
• 12:02
  to build on your own dynamic, and have that at the ready for
• 12:05
  when you're ready to give and receive feedback.