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Transcript

Stop Making The Decision That's Keeping You 'Hungry' · #BeMoreLobster

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Only one morning.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Avoid the same choice if it keeps you hungry.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: I have been inspired to record this conversation with you today around choices and decisions on the back of treating myself this weekend to a fantastic new deck of Oracle cards.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: I will put the link in the show notes because they are phenomenal and you should definitely treat yourself to them.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: But it was so aligned with the work that I'm doing with my clients inside the personal transformation program at the moment that I felt like I had to come share it with you.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: There's just too much gold in here not to offer it to you because I feel like so many of us spend way too long, too much, too many years of our lives wanting to change something, struggling to be able to do that for whatever reason, and then berating ourselves day in, day out for not being who we think we should be to make that change happen.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm hoping this conversation is going to enlighten you, to free you, to shift your perspective, and hopefully just give you something really simple that you can take away to implement.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: If you're ready, let's dive right in.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: The first thing I got really curious about when I was thinking about change, and I was, and I was thinking about lots of things that I've done in my life.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of my change, and I think this probably goes for a lot of us, a lot of our change comes from um emotions that don't feel good.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: So oftentimes the instigator is us feeling something, having emotions that we don't want to feel, whether that's feeling uncomfortable, unhappy, disconnected, afraid, trapped, loathing, exhausted, resigned.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: I've come to realize, having spoken to kind of hundreds of women and working with hundreds of clients, that it's so often that change is because we feel a way that we don't want to feel anymore.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's not that we don't have thoughts about it, because as we feel the emotions, they generate the thoughts.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: And so we kind of get in this thought-emotion loop.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: But it's my experience that the emotions are dominant, the emotions lead.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: And yet, what stops us from acting on that?
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: What stops us from creating the change and going after what you want, whether that's leaving the relationship or changing the job or losing the weight or making more money or starting a school or traveling to a different country, whatever it is, what stops us is very much more thought-based.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: The thoughts that we create and then we rehearse and we reinforce.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: And interestingly, normally these thoughts are about the emotions that we think we're going to feel.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I just found that very curious that what tends to drive most of us to want to change is a strong emotional um reaction or emotional experience.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: What stops us from doing that is the thoughts that we generate in our brain and the thoughts that we hold on to, normally about what we think we're going to feel if we activate that change.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: So I wonder as you're listening to this, how true that feels for you as well.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: And like I say, when we think about the emotional charge, like I'll give you an example for myself.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: When I left my husband, um, I felt really unhappy.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: I felt very disconnected.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: I was suffering with depression.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: I felt I was exhausted.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: I felt very afraid.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: I felt, but the I think the big driving force for me was I felt absolutely trapped.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: And it was a palpable daily experience in my body.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: Now, of course, the thoughts attached to that about being trapped were, well, who else would want me because I've got two children?
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: How am I going to look after myself financially?
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: I got married, I should take responsibility for it.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like there's a myriad of thoughts behind it.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: But it was the fact that I could no longer continue to carry around this baggage of this emotional weight day in, day out, that was like the decision maker.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: One day just waking up and going, No, I just cannot do this anymore.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: And again, though, once I'd done that, once I've made that decision, that's when the thoughts started to kind of come in.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: So before I go in and share with you some of the most common reasons why we don't make the change, that you can actually extend some self-compassion because now you've got a greater awareness.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: I want to read you the entire card.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: So the card is from a deck called the Shaman's Dream Oracle.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I picked this card myself on Sunday morning before I drove back from a three-night trip in Wales with my besties to celebrate our birthday.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: It was the most incredible time.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: It was very, I don't know, it's almost kind of like just accessing a different portal for a little while, you know, mountains and waterfall dipping and just hot tubbing.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: It was just amazing.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: And when I picked this card Sunday morning, I knew like this, it meant something.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: It was not a coincidence.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: I've pulled this card just for not for just myself, but for my community, whether it's you guys on the end of the podcast or it's the people inside my program.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: This card is called a feast of plenty.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: A great feast is laid out before you and requires you to choose what will satisfy your hunger, something new and unconventional, with its potential for bitter or savory qualities, or something you already know that you love.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: You are faced with a plethora of options right now.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: And while that may seem to be an extraordinary thing, too many choices can throw you off balance.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: You might be worried about that once you commit, you won't be able to turn back or refuse to confront the consequences of that decision.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: The most important thing to realize is that the feast is offering you experience.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: No amount of over-analyzing or strategizing will help you make the right choice now.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: Don't debate the rightness or the wrongness.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, just choose.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: In the choosing is the seed of experience, and this is what is necessary now: sour, bitter, sweet, or savory.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: What matters is relishing experience until you digest all that your choice is offering you right now.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: Only one warning: avoid the same choice if it keeps you hungry.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: If something didn't feel good or does not bring you what it seemingly promised, do not choose that again.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: The experience will only repeat itself and you will have more than a bad taste in your mouth.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: The feast is yours to enjoy.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: You can always go back for more when you're hungry again.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: For life's blessings are ever available to you and calling your name.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: So what really stood out for me in that, well, I mean, I loved it all, but what really stood out for me were two concepts I've been talking to my clients about.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: So the first one is that when we are wandering around trying to find the right decision, we are literally carrying the weight of the indecision with us every day.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I want you to kind of imagine, if you can, in your mind's eye now or in your body, that every option that you're offering yourself, every time you say to yourself, well, I could do it this way, or I could do it that way, or I could try that, or I could try that.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to kind of imagine that these options almost stick to you.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not just the option that's there, it's the whole story that you place behind what will happen if you make that choice.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: And you're carrying this around on a daily basis, this energy of uncertainty, of indecision, of needing to find the right way.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: And it's exhausting, it's way more exhausting than just making and executing on one of those decisions.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: And the other bit of advice I offer to my clients when I can see that they're in this um this energy of indecisiveness is I say to them, have you made this decision before?
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Have you kind of have you have you decided on something that looks very much like this before?
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: Did you get the results that you wanted?
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: And if you didn't, why would you choose it again?
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: Because there is a safety in making the sort of like the same decision.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know what?
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: As I'm recording this for you, there is the most beautiful dragonfly right outside my window, also a sign of transformation.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: So hashtag just saying, very good sign.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: So I just want you to think about the version of you that's carrying around all the indecisiveness um you know, with you, and then also saying to yourself, like, what do you think is going to happen?
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: What is what's going to happen differently if you make the same choice again?
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: So now we've got a little bit of awareness, and maybe I'm hoping, like, oh, I didn't even realize that.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't realize that I want to change because I'm kind of bubbling and jacuzzi of all these emotions every day.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: But actually, what stops me is all the thoughts that I keep offering myself.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: And let remember, it's your brain offering it you, not your higher self.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: Your brain's just giving you all this stuff.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: And actually, when I think about that even more closely, the thoughts I'm having are often tightly associated with the emotions that you think you're going to feel if you make the decision.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: So then I got to thinking about okay, let's kind of simplify it, let's lay out the playing field and think about other reasons why we don't make change, even though we want to.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: And obviously, the first one, the biggest one for all of us is fear.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we don't even know what it is that we fear.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's just some of us just feel it more in our body, like it's this, it's almost like an angst, it's an agitation, it's a it's a leaning back instead of a leaning in.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: But there's fear is completely and utterly normal.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: And it can be fear of rejection, it can be fear of losing something or someone, it can be fear of the discomfort, it can be fear of ridicule, it can be fear of so many things, of failure.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: Also, as human beings, we are definitely wired for certainty and comfort.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: So, where we can, where we think we can make the most certain decision, if I make this decision and then we try and plan it all out because we think that nothing else in the world is happening around us, and of course, it's this constant series of sliding doors.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: But in that moment when we think we've got certainty, now our body goes, Oh, good oh, I'm feeling safe and comfortable now.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: And if we don't feel like we can activate that, if we can't find it, we're less likely to make a decision.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: We are also running round, harboring, fostering, living in and through patterns and stories that create resistance of who you think you are, who you think you're not, what's available, what's not available, what other people think, you know, what the world's gonna, whether the world's gonna be with you or against you.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: Most people don't know this.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: Most people don't understand that we are just, you know, a we're we're kind of like a we're we're kind of like a program, computer program, and we're we're acting out.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: So not only are we acting out the program, the thing that we've been conditioned for, but we also experience the world in that way.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: Just on a side note, I think that's one of the biggest shifts that I've seen for myself, having been using somatic practice now for quite a while, is that even though nothing major in my external world has changed, my whole world looks and feels different because I've changed the kind of like the framework inside.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: But that's just another side note.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: And then we've also got, as part of those strong patterns, the limiting beliefs about ourselves, about others, and about the world.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: So can we just agree between us right now that we can all just take a moment to be compassionate and understanding for finding change difficult because we've got all these other things that we're dealing with.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I wrote something the day for social media, and I'm gonna share it ahead of time with you guys, and it's just called this just this no performance, no pressure, no big insight, just this a moment of peace, the sound of the trees, a deep breath, a quiet mind.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the most transformational thing you can do is to let yourself be where you are.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I really believe that allowing that space, allowing yourself to be here, to be now without blame, shame, or judgment is the is a pivotal starting point for massive transformation.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: So we've talked a little bit about the kind of like this duality of emotions driving and thoughts compressing.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: We've talked about how fear and certainty and stories and limiting beliefs are naturally going to make it harder for us to change if we keep thinking in the same way.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: We've talked about coming back to a place of acceptance, starting where we're at and being okay, like you couldn't be anywhere else.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: You're exactly where you're supposed to be, and this is the time that you're ready for change.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: This is a time that you do it differently.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I guess what I want to finish up on is I know how uncomfortable and frustrating it is to want to change so bad and feel like there's no way out.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: I've had that so many times, and as I'm saying this to you now, I think that if I'm this has just come to me now, so I will share it.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: I used I suffered with eating disorders for a very, very long time.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: Probably started when I was about 12, and I don't think I fully healed my relationship with food till I was early 30s.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: I remember just days and days of just managing to kind of survive on an apple and water, all the lies I had to tell my family about when I was eating and what I was eating, particularly my mum.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: And no matter what I did and how much weight I lost, still just looking in the mirror and seeing this huge person.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I hated her.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: I hated her so bad, I would grab handfuls of my flesh until my flesh was red raw, and I would scrunch up my face and just like try and squeeze out this anger because I couldn't do it loudly because there's always somebody around.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't want to be that person.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't want to be her, I didn't want to live in this pain anymore, but I didn't have a way out.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: I was so young, but didn't have the mental emotional maturity or capacity.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: And that that reminds me now just how how debilitating it is to want that change so bad and to feel like you can't do anything about it.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: So if I have one prayer, it is that something that I'm sharing with you today is going to give you the space to say yes to the change that you want, to make the decision already, to know that your biggest gift is not generating more motivation.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: Your biggest gift is teaching yourself to be comfortable in the uncomfortable, to know that you can manage any emotion that comes up, to know that whatever happens, you will figure it out.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I wrote down three things that I that are not strategic as such, but they're just conceptual.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I and I want you to feel these in your body.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: So I want you to first of all, step number one, so there's actually four, is to give yourself permission to accept and be where you are with a breath, with a silence, with a this is okay.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: The next step is I want you to start adding more weight to curiosity than certainty.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: How could this be for me right now?
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: Why is this the best thing that I can do?
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: What else could be available for me?
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of needing to have certainty, when you know that you can manage any emotion, you can rely, you can not rely on, but you can actually lean on curiosity so much more as a way to kind of uh turn down the volume on the fear.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: The second thing is learn, teach yourself how to focus on on who you're going to become in the process.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: I have effed up so many times in my life.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: I have made bad decisions, I have hurt people, I have um, oh my goodness, just so many things, so many things.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but the good thing is with that, is I have I've arrived here at the big 5-0, feeling more me than I've ever felt in my entire freaking life.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: And it is glorious.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I look back at those versions of myself who was stubborn and independent and sometimes stupid and very headstrong and according to everybody else, very bossy, and all the things.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, thank you, you thank you for being her, so that we can be here with all of this wisdom and all of this knowledge and all of this experience.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: I am grateful that even if I don't have all of the results that I want in my life right now, I am so incredibly grateful for who I've become and who I continue to become.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: And trust me, when you can lean on that belief, on that thought, everything begins to change because you can start to just let yourself be in the process step by step every day.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: The third thing, which is a little more strategic, is choosing simple.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: If you're really struggling, let it be enough.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: You can say, I'm going to make better choices more often.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: And after a while, you'll make better choices most often.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: And then you'll always be making the better choices, aside from the odd hiccup or two.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: Making better choices more often is as good a place to start as any.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: Give yourself permission to start there.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: As you can probably tell, I could talk about this all day, but I shan't.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but thank you again, as always, for being here.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: I will also ask the invitation again to please, if you're listening to this on iTunes, if you could leave me a review, it really does help to reach more people and get my podcast out there a little bit more.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: And it also helps me know that you're enjoying it.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, the doors to the Seeking Simplicity Facebook group are always open for you, whether you come and join the free book club or not.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: I just want to have good conversations in there and create a safe space for you to be curious, to grow, to create change, to transform in a supportive environment.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: So once again, thank you very much, and I'll speak to you again in the next episode of the Seeking Simplicity Podcast.