Latest / The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook / Self Care, Reinvention, and Living Unfiltered with Kara Vaval

Transcript

Self Care, Reinvention, and Living Unfiltered with Kara Vaval · The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook

0:00
You know, understand that it, what I'm talking about here is
0:05
not easy, not most people don't do it because it's not easy, but
0:09
it is so worth it and it is so freeing.
0:14
And that elevation that you experience that freedom that I
0:18
think that's what living really is.
0:21
You know, there's surviving and living.
0:23
And I think I spent a long time in survival thinking I was
0:26
living no life really, really starts like juicy life, like
0:35
kind of life when you are unencumbered, when you're
0:40
unbothered, when you're free to do and go as you please.
0:45
Like that's when you can really, man, I think that's, that's when
0:55
you can savor this, this experience, this human
1:00
experience in a way that is just, you know, I think it's
1:05
divine. Hello field podcast audience.
1:08
Strap it on, we've got a good one for you today.
1:11
If you're not feeling inspired and motivated after you finish
1:16
listening to today's guest, you might want to check your pulse
1:20
because my my friend Cara Vivel is here with us today.
1:24
And she has got so much to say about these talking points about
1:30
how her story has LED her to where she is today, the way she
1:35
shows up unapologetically for herself and other women.
1:39
And I cannot wait to get into it with her.
1:42
I have also had the great honor of being a guest with her on her
1:46
podcast. You can check that out.
1:49
And those links will all be in our, you know, in our show notes
1:53
and on our website at embracinglayers.com, on the
1:56
resources page. And, and all those things that
1:59
you can get from Kara, she's going to get to share at the
2:02
end. But to start with, Kara
2:05
describes herself as unhinged, unencumbered.
2:10
She's motivational, she's an inspirational, she's the queen
2:15
of reinventing herself. And she knows when it's time to
2:19
do that. And then she goes from there.
2:21
She continues to learn, continues to be curious, and
2:24
then moves forward from those spaces knowing that she's
2:28
continuing, evolving, learning, growing.
2:31
Caravel, Welcome to the Field podcast.
2:34
Thank you. Thank you so much for having me.
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I am so excited to be here. I am too.
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I am too. She and I spent a couple minutes
2:42
visiting before and I was like, oh I'm motivated, I'm ready to
2:45
go today. She had all fired up.
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She's exactly the medicine I needed this morning and I know
2:50
you all are going to feel that too.
2:53
All right, talk to me about prioritizing self-care in your
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life. What is your journey been with
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that? Oh gosh, oh, you started it
3:02
right where you know where we need to be, because that's where
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it starts, right? It's taking care of yourself is
3:08
loving, it's loving yourself. It's letting yourself know that
3:12
you matter and that your, your body, your soul, your heart, all
3:20
of what makes up you, that you care about how that performs,
3:27
how that is. So as far as self-care, working
3:31
out in the morning is an absolute non negotiable for me.
3:37
Take care of myself every morning.
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With that, I take care of myself by journaling, by doing brain
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dumps, you know, clearing my mind, clearing thoughts out of
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my system that no longer serve or just need to get out of my
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head and onto paper so that I can have the mental space to do
3:56
all the other things. I I take care of myself and love
4:00
on myself by emotionally doing the clearings that need to be
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done, making peace with things, not carrying energy that into my
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next. So these are all things that I
4:15
do because I understand that, you know, I cannot be 100% me
4:24
unless I have jurisdiction over all of me and and all of my
4:30
energy. So, you know, making sure that I
4:32
prioritize that, making sure that I eat well, you know,
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eating the amount of protein that my body needs.
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I'm 42 years old now. We can't play with the, you
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know, not getting enough protein.
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So because everything like we need it.
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So taking care of way, drinking a lot of water.
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I stopped drinking alcohol as much as I used to because that
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was, you know, I got my little ring.
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Like those are all things. They're like micro decisions
5:01
that add up to such a much healthier me.
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And and because of that, no brain fog.
5:08
No, you know, I have so much clarity.
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I'm in the sauna at least a couple, you know, times a week.
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So all of those things are the ways that I have chosen to
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prioritize myself, care, take care of myself, and, you know,
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become more of who I want to be in the world because I'm whole.
5:28
Yeah. Oh, that was.
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So good, so many good things. And I love what you said.
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It's those little micro decisions that feel little if
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you pull them out individually, but they add up to this whole
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menu of things that fill your cup, that fill your resources,
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that allow you to show up as your most healthiest authentic
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self. So I'm so glad you pointed that
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out because we don't have to make this bigger than it is.
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It is. It is meeting yourself where you
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are in those moments and adding those things in and realizing
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the collective impact they have so important.
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And you and I, yeah, go, go ahead.
6:07
No, no, no, I'm just, I'm just acknowledging what you said
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because at the end of the day, most people think that it's this
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big to do like, oh, taking care of myself.
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I don't have time to take care of myself because I have kids
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and I have my job and I'm so busy.
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First of all, you can't be, you know, you can't pour from an
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empty cup. You can't be all the things that
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you could be for them if you're not being for you what you need
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to be first, right? And so understanding the
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importance of prioritizing yourself and not making it a big
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do to do again, just it's in those micro decisions that and
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you keep sending that signal to yourself that I'm taking care of
6:48
me, I'm taking care, I'm important, I love me, I love
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myself. And I, and I tell you, it's, I
6:54
have this little loop that I consistently run.
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It's I love myself, I love myself, I love, I have, it's a
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loop. I it was a book that I read from
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Rob something, I can't remember his name, but it was it's called
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Love Yourself. He has two books.
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He has one called Love Yourself and another one because love
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yourself like your life depends on it.
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And he has this, this loop that he suggests that you play so
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that if you continually loop, I love myself, I love myself, you
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start making those micro decisions naturally because you
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are loving to look at because that's what you're looping.
7:31
Yeah. And that those inner thoughts
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and how we talk to ourselves matter.
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You and I talked about this before.
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You gave me a good pep talk that I needed, you know, on some, you
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know, on some things I've got going out on the world.
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And it's that inner loop. It matters.
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Pay attention to that. So good.
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This goes nicely into confidently setting boundaries.
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You and I were talking before removing those toxic things from
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your life that impede your energy, that impede your ability
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to do exactly what you just talked about with yourself.
8:01
Care in your time, in your day. Talk to me about your boundaries
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journey and how you've learned the importance of that.
8:09
Oh God, I've learned the importance of that because the
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I've been in the ultimate depleted space and realizing
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that I I literally got there one self betrayal. 11 lack of
8:25
boundary at a time. And you know, when you get
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there, if you have no choice but you start implementing strong
8:37
boundaries. And I'll tell you, I recently
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had a conversation with my daughter.
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She's 11. And I said to her, you know,
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because she's a very kind of people pleaser like me, likes
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to, doesn't want to rock the boat, loves to make everybody
8:50
happy, cares about how everybody thinks and all the things, which
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is great. You know, there's a place for
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that. I said at the same time you're
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like that I'm not telling you to change who you are because
9:00
you're a perfect whole and complete just the way you are.
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But you do need to be an energy snob.
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And I use the word snob because, and it's because snob has a
9:11
negative connotation to it. But when it comes to your
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energy, that's exactly what you need to be.
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You need to guard. Yeah, you need to guard your
9:19
energy. You need to be critical as to
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who gets access to it because you have but so much of it and
9:27
any of your energy that goes out and doesn't even have an ROI is
9:32
a waste, right? Because it's given to people who
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don't even value you or are taking advantage of you.
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And here you are with your energy out there that could be
9:42
going towards your stuff. It's not bringing you anything
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back because you're just being used and depleted just because
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you didn't have, you know, a set of criteria to qualify people to
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have access to you. So that snobbism that I'm
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talking about, if that is even a word, is about guarding your
10:03
yourself, guarding your and having those boundaries by if
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you know if, if, if saying yes to you means saying no to me,
10:11
it's a hell no to you. You know, I am never doing that
10:16
again. Because how many times have we
10:19
self betrayed in the name of people pleasing, making somebody
10:23
else happy, not wanting to rock the boat, not wanting to be the
10:26
bad guy. And yet we, we go ahead and you
10:30
know, we're the one with the, with the short end of the stick.
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Meanwhile, again, many of those ways that we show up for these
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people, they don't show up that way for us.
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And so knowing who you can share your energy with, knowing who
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you can have boundaries with and not boundaries because you're
10:51
mean. It's boundaries because you self
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respect, it's because you laugh, because it's like, I know who I
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am. I know what I, how I show up.
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And no, I am not going to, you know, in the name of self
11:08
respect, I'm not going to entertain this.
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And it's, it's not you, it's me. If you're right.
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And I'm going to take a quick example that I, I shared with a
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friend recently. You know, it's been a while
11:19
since I've been to the club, but back in the days I used to go to
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the club, right? When you go to the club, you
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have a bouncer at the door of the club literally face checking
11:30
clothes checking. They're making sure they're not
11:33
letting anybody in the club. That's going to cause trouble,
11:36
right? If you are, if you don't look
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the part, you're not coming in. But yet, when it comes to our
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lives, you know, Humpty Dumpty comes and we're like, come on
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in. Like it doesn't matter.
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Like it's a freezer wall. And when you hit rock bottom
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with 0 energy left and then you're like, oh, I got a hot,
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did I get here? Well, you got here with each
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face check you didn't make. You got each No that you should
12:06
have said but said yes. You depleted yourself one yes,
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at a time and you didn't, you didn't add up the toll of that.
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So I it's yeah, that's such a good reminder.
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Of each time. My, our friend Valerie Rivera,
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who's been on here a couple times with us now throughout the
12:26
seasons here at the Field podcast, she's like, whatever
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you're saying yes to, you're saying no to something else.
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You better be OK with what you're saying no to.
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And it needs to never be no to you.
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It never needs to never mean abandoning yourself.
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And that is just what you've laid out so beautifully.
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Yeah. And your daughter is going to
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benefit so much from you having that conversation with her.
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I mean, because I think you're an example of the generation of
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parents that is starting to have those conversations with their
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kids. You know, most people would say
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I say too much to my kids. I'm too honest with my kids.
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I'm too raw. I'm like, these kids are
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becoming adults. They're coming into the real
13:12
world sugar coated. For what?
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They might as well have heard it from me, right?
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Right. You want.
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Them to learn and hear those things from you as the parent,
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not the world and whatever version of the message they give
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it in so you can talk them through this is what it looks
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like. This is how we navigate it and
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then you're there to like help them and when they stumble along
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the way you're there to support to remind them look like you
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said, I'm not looking to change you babe.
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Just speaking to making sure that you honor yourself in a way
13:46
that allows these things these because any of our
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characteristics, if they're taken too far, no matter how
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good they are taken too far the other way can start hurting
13:55
this. It's like anything in life.
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And so being able to have that honest conversation with her,
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especially the age she's at such a pivotal moment and, and being
14:04
aware of that because boundaries are about us, They're not about
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other people. They're about our behavior, our
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energy, what's healthy for us. And so remembering that when
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we're when we're making those decisions and communicating
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those things. Yep, and also understanding that
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if somebody has a problem with your boundaries, it's because
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they were benefiting from your lack of boundaries.
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Exactly. Yeah, 100%.
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That you have of rocking the boat, like rock the damn boat,
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because then it shows you who they are.
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And when people show you who they are, believe them the first
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time, right? So, yeah, if this is, if
14:43
anything, rocking the boat, having a boundary really gets
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you to see who you're surrounded by.
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And so even for nothing else, for that data, you want to do
14:55
it. You want to set these boundaries
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so that you can really see who's really in your corner and who's
15:01
just here to suck from you. Energy vampires are real.
15:05
Listen, they ask, so they roam the planet, OK, So and they they
15:12
are disguised as friends, family, you know, people who
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love you. And you know, at this point I
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can't, I don't put anything past anyone.
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And it's not because people are bad as you people are peopling
15:27
and they are made-up of different characteristics.
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And I know that my job, my first job, is to protect myself
15:36
because it's nobody else's job. So who's going to do it if I
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don't do it? Nobody.
15:43
Exactly, exactly. So good.
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You know, rock that boat and whoever falls off, they weren't
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meant to be on the boat with you.
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They were not solid. Yeah, exactly, exactly.
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So good. All right.
15:55
And this really goes nicely into this has set up your ability to
15:59
be able to do this next thing, but taking care of our emotional
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health, mental health, physical health, spiritual health.
16:06
Talk to me about the impact of that, the connections that
16:10
you've seen with that, and what you've learned about the the
16:12
importance of tending to all those things.
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Oh, I, I think that when you take care of those elements,
16:22
your vibration raises you, you, you raise your vibration, that
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that's the, that's the effect of taking care of all of those
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areas. And you know, many times I, you
16:38
know, I say that and I say it with love because the more you
16:42
do that, the more you up your emotional hygiene, your physical
16:46
hygiene, your energetic hygiene. You don't have to cut people
16:52
off. You don't have to, you know, you
16:56
don't have to do any of that. Even the work that is draining
17:00
you, all of the things that are not in alignment or in
17:03
vibrational frequency, you know, match to where you are.
17:10
They fall off and then next thing you know, you raise your
17:14
vibration to a place where new people, new work, new
17:18
experiences, things that are in alignment with that goodness
17:23
that you know, in that you have built up in yourself because of
17:29
again, the emotional hygiene that you, you practice the
17:33
mental hygiene you practice consistently, you know,
17:37
overriding negative thinking, you know, understanding that you
17:42
are who you say you are, you are, you do have that greatness
17:47
built into you. And the more you believe that,
17:50
again, the more I think you ascend to higher vibration, you
17:55
know, to a higher vibrational frequency, so to speak.
17:59
And the consequence is all the things that are good for you,
18:05
that match, that just get magnetized to you.
18:08
And so that's the work at hand. You know, we're out here.
18:14
So, so many of us are out here trying to change our
18:18
circumstances. Yeah.
18:20
No. You want to change yourself.
18:23
You want to work on yourself. You want to elevate yourself.
18:28
All the outside stuff changes on its own to match the new version
18:35
of you. So it's really it's thoughts and
18:38
ends with you. So as soon as I understood that,
18:43
Oh my God, it got so much easier because, you know, try to
18:47
control people, you try to control circumstances.
18:51
First of all, it's not possible, right?
18:53
So it's like, it's like, it's like quicksand.
18:57
Yeah, whereas. When it's all on you to, to just
19:03
put all this energy into yourself that you can, you have
19:06
control over that and you can, you can manage that.
19:10
And so for me, that's just been a game changer because again,
19:16
the more I take care of myself, the more my, my vibrational, you
19:23
know, consistency or what frequency just just elevate.
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That's it. That's the name of the name.
19:32
Yeah, it really is. Thank you so much for that.
19:34
Such a good illustration. And this goes nicely into not
19:38
only do you show up unapologetically as yourself,
19:42
but you know how to and you're mindful of showing up
19:46
unapologetically and supporting other women.
19:48
You said something to me when we were talking before.
19:52
We are all branches of the same tree.
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Let's embrace that. Let's show up for each other and
19:57
support, stay in our lanes of strength where we know we're
20:00
called to, and then crossover and collaborate and magnify each
20:04
other's voices. But remember this tree and that
20:07
we're all a part of it. That to me is such a beautiful
20:11
illustration of showing up unapologetically as yourself and
20:15
supporting others in doing that. Talk to me about your journey
20:18
and getting here. OK.
20:21
So couple of things I am, I'm I'm sold out, sold out on and
20:30
it's a knowing this is not a thought.
20:32
This is an idea. I am sold out on the fact that
20:37
there are no two carrots, there's No 2 means no one went
20:41
through this like I did. No one has my journey, no one
20:45
has my perspective, no one has my voice.
20:48
No one can think like me. No one can be like me.
20:51
No one can beat me at being me. Just like my dear Melissa, I
20:55
will never be able to beat you at being me.
20:58
And that is the magic of the human experience.
21:04
We each boring something so unique, so you know, on no one
21:11
can substitute for I bring. You can't bring in what you
21:16
bring. I can't bring.
21:17
That's what I'm saying. When I we're all branches of the
21:20
same tree. We do have a common human
21:22
experience that we're having and we can we can pour into each
21:27
other, feed off of each other. But at the end of the day, my
21:31
storyline, what makes me me and what is what, how I am going to
21:37
show up in the things I'm going to do.
21:39
You can't because you have to be me, but you're not.
21:43
So, so that's also why I don't believe in competition.
21:47
And it's it's easy for me to show up as my full self and pour
21:52
all of me into other women and not fear that, oh, by doing that
21:58
now she's going to be able to outdo me.
22:00
She can't. Yeah.
22:03
Nobody can. You would literally have to die.
22:09
Come back as Cara. Be born of the family I was
22:13
born. Grow up in Haiti like me.
22:15
Have your father murdered at 14 years old, which is what
22:19
happened to me four years later. Be in a house fire where your
22:22
grandmother doesn't make it. Then also go be in New York
22:27
hustling, doing, you know, three jobs while taking 18 credits.
22:32
Get that double major. Go to law school.
22:34
Become the laptop you have to be me.
22:36
Yeah. That's not your story because
22:39
it's not what what I am here to do, what I'm here to accomplish,
22:43
the people I'm here to impact. This is who they need and this
22:47
is the story they need to hear. My tribe needs me with my
22:52
special sauce to show up and do what I do so that they can
22:55
connect, so that they all of that.
22:58
They need you, Melissa, to do what you're doing because you
23:03
have your background and you have your story that is very
23:07
different, but that is so relatable to them.
23:12
That's it. And if we get that OK and also
23:18
get out of our heads of am I doing this right?
23:21
You can't get it wrong. You can't do it wrong because
23:25
it's you that's doing it. It's whatever you do.
23:28
Whatever however you do it is exactly how it's supposed to be
23:31
done. And if someone else is going to
23:34
do it differently, it's not that they're doing it better, they're
23:36
just doing it differently. Yeah.
23:39
Well, you see what I mean? Like if absolutely more people
23:43
could just get that, then, you know, the, the fear of failure,
23:49
the, you know, fear of looking stupid and all that crap would
23:56
just evaporate and you would just show up because you are the
24:01
main character. It's your movie.
24:03
Everybody else has a role or, or, or they're extras, right?
24:11
They either have a supporting role or they're a bunch of
24:13
freaking extras in your story, right?
24:14
In your movie, but you're the main character.
24:17
So you can go wrong, you can't go.
24:20
And if you fail, it's because it's part of your learning, it's
24:25
part of your becoming. So the failure is really a
24:28
success. So, you know, it's just that.
24:32
And call me the Lulu because you know, my kids sometimes say that
24:35
I'm the Lulu because they say, but this way of showing up in
24:42
the world just freaking works for me.
24:44
It works for me and I am who I am today.
24:48
I do what I do today. I have the impact that I have
24:50
today because that's how I think.
24:52
Yeah, oh, that, my friends, was how we support ourselves and
24:57
other women living in apologetically master class.
25:01
Kara just defined that. So if you have any questions
25:04
about that, go back and listen to it again and take notes.
25:07
I have nothing to add to that because that is it.
25:10
That's it. Thank you so much for that.
25:12
Yeah, so good. All right.
25:15
And this goes nicely into coming back to your why and your values
25:19
in what, in how you show up in the world, what you do, who you
25:24
are. This is you are very aware of
25:27
that. Talk to me about that journey of
25:29
becoming aware of this and knowing the importance of
25:33
showing up as your authentic self the way you just described.
25:37
Well, I'll tell you what, you know, I, I kind of, you know,
25:44
touched on some of the major things that happened in my life.
25:47
I had some power moments, right? Well, I've had quite a few of
25:55
those. And at every single time that
26:00
these things happen in my life, these tragedies, I had two
26:03
choices. It's either life happened to me
26:07
or life happened for me and I just long gone to life is
26:10
happening for me. Everything happens for a reason.
26:13
I don't understand it. I, I don't even have the
26:16
emotional bandwidth to process it because, you know, I was, it
26:21
was very young taking really huge blows, right and didn't
26:26
have the capacity to process a lot of things.
26:28
I mean, it's therapy later on that's really helped me
26:32
integrate all of the things, but I always hung on to life is
26:36
happening for me and that it is equipping me for whatever is
26:41
coming up next, right. And and I understood that I was
26:44
in the middle of the story. I didn't understand it at the
26:47
end of the story. I'm sure it all makes sense,
26:49
right? But your knee deep in it, you
26:52
know, you're in chapter 5 of the book.
26:54
It, it sucks, right? It's and you don't know what's
26:58
coming down in chapter 12, which chapter 5 is going to make
27:02
sense. But while you're in it, it
27:04
sucks, right? But because I understood that
27:08
this was eventually going to, and I don't know where that
27:11
wisdom came from. I can't tell you that.
27:14
I don't know if it, I really don't.
27:16
I've always been a, you know, I've always had a relationship
27:20
with God, with the universe, with whatever forces that may be
27:23
that really are orchestrating this whole thing.
27:26
I have a difference for it. I know that it exists.
27:29
I know that I was in an accident and I understand that.
27:33
You know, if a being that has created the sun, the moon and
27:38
all of that decided to create me, I have to be special, right?
27:42
Yeah, I have to be. And.
27:46
And if it allowed me to have this experience, it had to be
27:50
for a reason. And so one of the main, you
27:54
know, when I speak to my coach and she's like, why, why do you
27:58
do? Why do you feel like you need to
27:59
do this work? Why do you feel like you have to
28:02
write this book? Or why do you feel like, because
28:04
I said, because if I don't do this work, this journey that I
28:09
went through, this pain that I have, this like tremendous pain
28:13
that I've had to live through over and over would go in vain.
28:19
Yeah. For another woman to exist and
28:25
not know that a woman came either before her or same
28:31
timeline as her and had these challenges but still pushed
28:35
through so that she can be motivated to push through.
28:38
If she doesn't hear my story, then all of that was in vain
28:43
because it can't be just for me. It can't be just right, right?
28:48
And so our stories are not ours. Our lives, I honestly think are
28:53
not. It's just, it's not.
28:54
It would be so small for your life to only be for you.
28:58
And how do you, how does it end up?
29:02
Yeah, I'm not saying that your life wouldn't matter, but how
29:05
much more does it matter when you have impact with it?
29:08
Yeah. How much more does it matter
29:10
when you, you know, you show up and share, even if it's, I'm not
29:16
saying you need to be on social media and broadcast, but even in
29:19
within your community, just being vulnerable in sharing and
29:23
causing someone else to be able to see themselves in you and,
29:27
and, and be able to think a little different or see their
29:32
circumstances a little differently just because you
29:34
decided to open up, you know, that's a gift.
29:37
And so we are walking miracles. We're walking gifts to others.
29:42
And as we said earlier, being branches of the same tree.
29:45
You know, I, I don't, I don't miss an opportunity to be that.
29:50
And that's why I love to come on a podcast like this, because I
29:53
don't know who's going to listen.
29:55
And but if there's that one person who listens, one is all I
29:59
need. And she hears this and she's
30:02
like, Oh my God, that's what I needed today.
30:07
Then then it's It was all worth it.
30:09
Yeah. Mission complete for that day.
30:11
Yeah, Yeah, So good. Thank you so much for that.
30:17
And this goes nicely into, you know, living out of our own
30:20
expectations versus others. There are a series of things
30:23
that happened in your life that if people are looking at that
30:26
list, they're like, huh, she's she's going to have a tough go
30:30
of it. She might not be able to make it
30:33
through this. You know, all those things you
30:36
said, huh, Because of the the the decisions you made about
30:41
yourself, of your line of thinking and the way you were
30:43
going to face those. But you've also had a really
30:45
important conversation with your daughter about that line between
30:49
showing up as empathetic and kind and mindful and crossing
30:53
over into allowing others to put expectations upon you rather
30:57
than you defining your own, which really goes nicely to how
31:00
you going back to how you define boundaries and the importance of
31:04
having those. So talk to me about that moment
31:06
where you really were able to embrace this, living out of your
31:10
own expectations because you very clearly do it now.
31:13
But it's usually a journey. 1000% I will tell you that for a
31:20
very long time I was living to please and it was please my
31:28
mother and my fault, like my father would pass.
31:31
Like I wanted to make them proud.
31:32
So a lot of what I ended up doing, which ended up serving
31:35
me, but the the heart behind it was trying to make them proud,
31:41
you know, law school and this and that.
31:43
Like I was grinding. I didn't, I don't ever remember
31:46
besides people saying, Oh, you could be a good lawyer because
31:49
you talk so much. I don't ever really believe that
31:52
I had, I've ever had a passion or fire.
31:55
You know, I used to be told you talk a lot.
31:58
Well, I talk a lot because I'm supposed to be a motivational
32:01
speaker, not because I needed to be a lawyer.
32:03
But that was presented onto me and I bought it, right?
32:06
I bought it for a long time. I did all the things to please
32:10
everybody outside of me. And then I realized that even on
32:15
my best day, having done all the things and checked all the
32:19
boxes, they were never either satisfied or it was never good
32:26
enough or I didn't get what I needed or I thought I needed as
32:33
far as feedback for the people that was performing for.
32:38
And, yeah, you know, then, then it translated into
32:43
relationships. It translated into the marriage.
32:45
And I wasn't into the all the things.
32:47
And then I had to get into a place where I was like, OK,
32:52
yeah, if that that that I'm looking for is not coming, I
32:59
have to give it to myself. I have satisfied with who I am
33:04
and what I do and how I do it. I have to love me.
33:08
I have to be proud of me. I have to.
33:10
That's that's who's that's who's approval I've been looking for
33:15
this whole time. You know, when So at that point,
33:19
at that point is when the the pivot, you know, started
33:24
happening from looking for that validation from outside and
33:27
really gaining for myself. And once it was all about
33:31
gaining app, you know, the approval and acquiescence from
33:34
myself. It was game time.
33:36
It was Showtime because it's like I can do shit what anybody
33:40
else thinks. I'm just doing what I think, you
33:43
know, is. Yeah, somehow everybody else now
33:47
starts to like it because it's it's the Real McCoy.
33:50
It's not done with the filter performance.
33:55
So loving, you know, performing for love, performing for for
34:01
positive feedback or for that just took a back seat.
34:06
And it's like, no, I'm going to keep, I'm going to be real.
34:08
I'm going to be authentic. I'm going to be all that I know
34:11
that I have. And guess what?
34:12
I know it's good. I know it's good.
34:15
I know that what I am is good. So I really don't need you to
34:20
approve or you to agree. I agree and I've approved.
34:25
I've approved this message so. It's like that's.
34:29
The only person who needs to approve when you're here.
34:34
I'm telling you you're so freaking free.
34:40
What I wish for all women is the level of freedom that comes when
34:50
you need 0 validation from outside of you and only rely on
34:58
yourself for the love, the approval.
35:04
Not to say that you're not going to have love and all this stuff
35:07
out, of course, but the, the first person that needs to
35:11
approve of you and love you fully is you.
35:18
And once you're there, everybody else going to come on and
35:22
wanting to love you just the same because they, because it
35:25
oozes off of you that you need for nothing.
35:28
Yeah. And that you're free?
35:30
Yeah. And that's when you attract the
35:33
kind of people that you should be having in your life too,
35:36
because of that energy. So ladies, listening, think
35:41
about that. If you're feeling angsty, look
35:43
at the heartbeat. I want to go back to what Kara
35:45
said about the heart behind it. What's the heart behind it?
35:48
Is it for others or is it for yourself?
35:50
You make that shift and start making it for yourself and your
35:54
health as you're going to feel the shift within you.
35:56
And it's going to require you to go back and ask some of these
35:59
questions we've already reviewed about your values and your
36:02
healthy boundaries. And but that's going to bring
36:05
you back home to you. So good, Kara.
36:07
Thank you so much for let me. Add one more thing.
36:11
Yeah. Let me add one more thing.
36:15
If you are either keeping, whether it be a relationship,
36:21
friendships, a job, anything that is misaligned with you,
36:26
your body. You know how they say that your
36:27
body keeps the score? Your body somatically knows.
36:36
So when you talk about taking care of yourself, one of the
36:40
ways you take care of yourself is by listening to your body.
36:45
If it feels, if it, if it triggers anxiety in your body,
36:50
if it triggers this unease, this ease, almost feeling this yuck,
36:57
this, you know what I'm talking about Cuz you're in your body
37:00
more percent when it happens and then you turn around and
37:05
rationalize it when it happens before you let your brain
37:12
rationalize it, feel it. And at least even if you can't
37:18
remove yourself from that situation right away, take note
37:21
of it because that is the hygiene that we're talking
37:25
about. It is these are your body will
37:29
tell you. Yeah.
37:32
It's undeniable. Forget your brain because your
37:34
brain can rationalize stuff. And let me tell you, when you're
37:37
someone like me, I'm a Virgo and I'm a lawyer.
37:41
Can you imagine? OK.
37:42
Oh my gosh, that's it so much. I mean, I can freaking self
37:50
destruct. OK, I I'm programmed to self
37:53
destruct with my with the amount of rationalizing I can do.
37:58
OK. So yeah, that's what I wanted to
38:02
add that because that is so important. 100% yeah.
38:06
I'm so glad you nailed that. That's that's my story and I
38:09
didn't listen and I ended up in the ER twice over a 10 day
38:12
period. You can, I mean, so 1000% thanks
38:16
for bringing that home with us. So good.
38:18
And and this really feeds into accepting the layered aspects of
38:22
ourselves, being willing to go on that journey and look at all
38:27
the parts and pieces of your life and being able.
38:29
You don't have to love them all, but acknowledging them, giving
38:33
them space to breathe, removing the shame and fear around them.
38:37
That's the really key to understanding who you are,
38:40
knowing your value so that you're willing to invest all
38:43
that other time into yourself to do these things we've been
38:46
talking about throughout the episode.
38:48
Today you could have easily, you can easily look at some of your
38:52
layers and say, I don't want to ever talk about that again.
38:55
That's too painful. I'm shoving it over here.
38:57
But you came to understand that that your body can't carry that.
39:02
It's got kind of move through. It's got to be understood.
39:04
It's got to be processed. So talk to me about the impact
39:07
your layers journey has had on all these other things we talked
39:11
about today. Was it, was it Donkey and Shrek
39:14
that Shrek that had that banter? And he's like, no onions.
39:17
You're like, you know, like you're like an onion, right?
39:23
Donkey and Shrek. OK, you see what I'm talking
39:26
about? Like the brain blows.
39:28
Wear. I love that so much.
39:29
That's such a good fish full though, you're right.
39:31
And so, OK, it wasn't until therapy, OK, that I realize that
39:43
I've been so many versions of me, right?
39:46
We've been so many versions of it.
39:48
There was a six year old, there was a four year old, there was a
39:50
12 year old. There was a, there were so many
39:53
versions of us. And at all of it, you know, when
39:57
we were those versions of ourselves, we had experiences,
40:00
we made agreements, we we decided things about ourselves
40:06
or people projected things onto US and we agreed and carried.
40:12
Those things and what happens is, you know, when you're
40:16
younger and you don't have the capacity to process certain
40:19
emotions or you don't have the capacity to process certain
40:22
events, you know, again with the body keeping the score, it's
40:27
still in your body. And then you find yourself in a
40:32
relationship or you find yourself in certain friendships,
40:36
you find yourself in certain dynamics where it's the six year
40:42
old that attracted that. It's the 12 year old that you
40:45
know is still trying to really heal those parts of you and
40:52
needs the trigger. And when the trigger happens,
40:55
instead of you saying, OK, what is this here to just teach me?
40:58
You react. And then you lost the
41:01
opportunity for the, the processing that needed to
41:03
happen. So understanding that it
41:09
behooves each and every one of us to do the work of going back
41:16
and addressing all of those issues that are locked into us
41:21
as balls of energy in our body, pulling into our experiences.
41:27
Think it's like you think you're driving.
41:29
Meanwhile, it's the six year old who's calling the shots.
41:32
It's the 12th, you might as well be in the passenger seat because
41:36
the real person driving ain't you.
41:40
So if you really want to have full command of where your life
41:44
is going, you cannot just take the higher version of you that's
41:50
now all intellectual and all has done all of this work.
41:54
Only you're taking your entire self with you, including the
41:59
ones that you can't even see that are actually running the
42:02
show. OK.
42:04
And so in therapy, I had this lady that I would I was working
42:10
with. She has this doll, right?
42:12
And it was very, you know, like woohoo, but it was exactly what
42:17
I needed. So it was this doll and it was
42:20
the the lady and the doll. And her mouth is open and she's
42:24
talking. And then she has all these
42:25
smaller versions of her on her robe, like coming down.
42:30
And she said when you get triggered, it could be any one
42:34
of these smaller versions of you actually speaking.
42:38
It's coming out of your mouth, but it's versions of you that
42:44
are built in, so if you don't do that work, you will bleed on
42:50
people who didn't cut you. Yeah.
42:55
Right. You will fight with people that
42:59
are not the original offender, right?
43:02
They're just mirroring and triggering things in you that
43:06
had you exercise the energetic hygiene or the going back and
43:12
saying I'm going to clean up, I'm going to clean house.
43:16
And I'm not only going to clean, I'm not only going to clean the
43:19
attic, but that's up here. I'm going to go in the basement
43:23
because the basement is where the skeletons are, right?
43:27
So going into the basement, taking out the cobwebs and
43:32
looking at it with love, with love, because guess what?
43:36
You always did the best you could and the best you knew how
43:40
at the time. You always did.
43:43
There's no shame. There's no, you know, you don't
43:46
need to do all that. Why are you going to beat
43:48
yourself up for what you did the best you could at the time?
43:51
Yeah. And it's done.
43:53
So now it's going back with love, with compassion and
43:58
honoring what happened, honoring what you know, how you showed up
44:04
in that and then telling your smaller self, listen, I, I got
44:10
you. Look at this experience that we
44:13
went through. This is who I became.
44:15
So we're good and doing that at every, at every layer of
44:21
yourself so that you can treat yourself and free the little
44:26
girl inside of you that still feels trapped and unseen and
44:29
unheard. She needs to be seen.
44:32
She needs to be heard so that she can now release this need
44:38
for approval. So she could release this need
44:43
to be seen or to be loved. Then then here you are in this
44:48
big grown relationship, right with a excuse.
44:52
My I mean this is what's happening with a narcissist
44:55
right? And you don't know I'm too.
44:59
I'm smart. That shouldn't be happening to
45:01
me. Well, no honey, it's the six
45:03
year old in you that created. This.
45:06
Yeah, yeah. Have I said too much?
45:10
No, no, you nailed it. That's perfect.
45:14
I'm trying to bring it home because this is keep me from
45:18
experience here. This is I'm not, I'm not a
45:21
theorist, OK? This is all life.
45:24
And I will tell you God has taken me through a journey.
45:28
Listen, the purification and the qualification for this work that
45:32
I'm doing, God made me pay the price.
45:35
So if I'm going to come, I'm going to come at you because I
45:38
already paid the price and I'm trying to avoid it to you, OK?
45:42
I'm. Really, that's what I'm here to
45:43
do. So if I could punch you with
45:45
this stuff, you know? Well, you paid the price and you
45:50
have the receipts, so I have the.
45:52
Receipts. So, you know, I understood the
45:55
assignment, so I'm here to throw punch you guys, you know, into
45:59
your sentences. Yeah, yeah.
46:02
Well, and you said something so important and I want to bring
46:04
this back because the inner child piece is something even if
46:07
you do the work, you may like forget down the road and forget
46:11
to tap back into it. I was processing a a tough
46:14
experience that I in my life with my therapist 3-4 weeks ago.
46:19
It was when this first came up and I was talking to her through
46:21
it and she asked me the most important question that I
46:24
wouldn't have thought of about the prompting, even though I've
46:26
done a ton of inner child work. She's like, how old did you feel
46:31
as you were receiving this information and responding?
46:34
Which how old were you? And I was able to answer
46:38
immediately once she asked me that question.
46:41
My 8 year old self. It was my eight-year old self.
46:44
I know exact. She's like, OK, we're going to
46:46
go meet your 8 year old self. And it was just that reminder I
46:50
needed and that has helped me not tell stories to myself that
46:55
aren't true about the situation. Keep it both.
46:59
Yes, this is true and but so is this.
47:02
And I mean it's so just yeah, I mean so good.
47:05
Thank you so much for that. That it was a throat punch with
47:08
love. And I mean and I think that
47:09
with. Tons of love and tons of listen.
47:12
I get it, empathy, love, you know understanding, I get you.
47:17
I see you, but at the same time, ain't nobody got time for that.
47:22
We're living life here. This is not a dress rehearsal.
47:25
We are live. This is your life.
47:27
And if if your 6 year old self is running the show we got we
47:31
got some more to do OK cuz then cuz then you are 4050 sixty,
47:36
whatever you are listening to this can't get to what you're
47:38
getting to because your 6 year old self is still running the
47:41
show. Yeah.
47:43
And no one can do the work for you.
47:45
But I, I mean, I think there's an accountability, regardless of
47:47
what you've experienced in your life, only you can go through
47:51
the work to heal, to move forward, to accept, to
47:56
acknowledge with curiosity rather than judgment.
47:59
All those choices are choices that you have to make.
48:01
No one can do it for you, right? Yeah.
48:05
Yeah, so, so good, So good. Yeah, absolutely.
48:09
All right. In living out, feel, finding
48:12
empowerment, embracing layers, which you have modeled so well
48:15
throughout this in your journey and getting to this point.
48:18
And you've really touched on this already.
48:20
So kind of just bring it home, but talk to me about the impact
48:24
that has had on your relationship with yourself as
48:27
well as your relationship with other people.
48:32
Oh, So what impact my healing or this journey that I Yeah, yeah.
48:38
This it the love that I have found for myself, the love that
48:46
I have found for myself, the admiration for myself, the
48:51
compassion for myself, the empathy the And then also
48:56
because I have all of that for me.
48:59
I have it in abundance for others.
49:04
Yeah. You have to have it for you
49:05
first. And I think that doing this work
49:10
has increased my capacity tremendously to hold space for
49:15
other people who are going through what I've been through.
49:20
I get you and you can, I can meet you anywhere because I,
49:24
I've been all over the damn spectrum.
49:27
So I get it and I get it because, you know, I've been
49:32
you. That's it.
49:33
I've been you and I get it. And it's not, it's not easy,
49:37
Melissa. It's not, it's not easy.
49:41
All this stuff we're talking about here, you know, you've
49:44
got, you've got to decide that you're going to go through this
49:47
tunnel and I'm, you know, I'm here at the end with the light
49:51
holding it for you. But I can't, I can't go through
49:54
the tunnel with you. I've been through my tunnel.
49:57
We all have to go through our own tunnel and it's dark and
50:00
it's, you know, you sometimes you feel isolated, you know, but
50:04
I also say that elevation comes from isolation.
50:08
So you know, if you're going to elevate, you need to isolate and
50:13
you need to ask a little bit to be able to have enough quietness
50:18
to tap in to these peace. You know these places in
50:23
yourself. It's impossible to go places
50:28
that require quiet when you your entire world is so darn no, no
50:34
noisy and we are so many people are pulling at your energy.
50:38
You know you need your full life force.
50:44
You know you're full all of your life force for you for a little
50:49
bit. And so, you know, understand
50:53
that it, what I'm talking about here is not easy, not most
50:59
people don't do it because it's not easy, but it is so worth it
51:04
and it is so freeing. And that elevation that you
51:08
experience that freedom that I think that's what living really
51:13
is. You know, there's surviving and
51:15
living. I think I spent a long time in
51:17
survival thinking I was living. No life really, really starts
51:25
like juicy life. Like kind of life when you are
51:30
unencumbered, when you're unbothered, when you're free to
51:35
do and go as you please. Like.
51:39
That's when you can really, man, I think that that's when you can
51:48
save her. This, this experience, this
51:52
human experience in a way that is just, you know, I think it's
51:57
divine. It's not, it's divine, it's
52:00
divine. And you know, whether you
52:03
believe in the same higher power that I believe, you know, we are
52:07
all expressions of a higher power.
52:11
And the more unencumbered you are, the closer you are to that
52:17
identity and the closer you get out like that entity, like what
52:24
the essence of that is. And so it's it's a divine
52:28
experience. And I wish that for everyone
52:32
who's willing, anyone and everyone who's willing to go
52:35
through the tunnel. Yeah, yeah.
52:39
Great. Great analogy and metaphor.
52:42
Thank you so much for that. So good.
52:43
So good. All right, in summary, bringing
52:48
it all home, identify. Let me know 5 activities that
52:52
nourish you. Oh gosh, oh, easily start first
52:56
working out. I like I told you, I lift
53:00
weights everyday. I have a trainer who shows up on
53:03
my phone FaceTime. He doesn't even come to my
53:05
house. He's just I have a little gym in
53:07
my house and I actually I'm part of an Athletic Club not too far.
53:11
So he shows up for 30 minutes and I get a good pump, getting
53:14
my heart going, sweating and all of those things.
53:17
Number one. Number two, I take baths
53:21
probably actually everyday. Like I, I'm a big bath person.
53:25
And when I'm taking that physical bath, I also take a
53:29
mental bath. And how do I take a mental bath?
53:31
It's by what I listen to. I make sure that I'm listening
53:35
to affirmations or I'm listening to, you know, a recording of
53:39
something that is nourishing my mind.
53:41
I am consistently feeding my mind feeding just I, I
53:47
understand that I have spent, you know, I didn't start really
53:52
doing this self development stuff till I was about 31 years
53:55
old. So I understand that I'm still
53:57
overriding 31 years of a stinking thinking that, you
54:02
know, can continually creep up if I don't continue my mental
54:07
hygiene. So the same way you wash
54:09
yourself everyday or you brush your teeth because you don't
54:11
have you know what your breath to say, you got to do a mental
54:15
bath so that your, your, your attitude doesn't stink and the
54:17
things that are coming out of your mouth don't stink, right?
54:20
So taking that mental bath also, like you said, boundaries,
54:26
knowing when to say no and no is a full sentence.
54:29
I don't have to explain to you why I said no.
54:32
I said no because it's a no. I don't want to do it.
54:35
I don't want to do it. I don't want to be there.
54:36
I don't. And honoring myself like again,
54:41
making sure that whatever I'm agreeing to, my full body agrees
54:46
to it. All of us needs to.
54:49
Yeah. All of us wants to do it.
54:51
Otherwise it's a no. And when you when you start
54:58
prioritizing these things, you know all this, I don't got time.
55:01
You're full of time. All of a sudden you're full of
55:04
space. Abundance is just normal.
55:08
Things just flow. The people who need to come,
55:10
come, the people who need to go, go.
55:12
You just you know you, you and and I don't want to forget.
55:16
I show up in life now like this open.
55:21
I hold on to nothing and I am not listen, if you want to come,
55:26
come, stay. You want to leave, leave.
55:29
I am not holding on and gripping and because life is full of
55:36
seasons and just like life is full of seasons, people come
55:39
into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
55:42
Yeah. And, and the pain usually comes
55:48
when you're trying to make a seasonal person a lifetime.
55:52
Yeah. So living life with open hands,
55:58
allowing what needs to come to come, enjoying it in the present
56:03
moment, while it's there, right? Learning what you need to learn,
56:07
but then also having your hands wide open when it's time for
56:11
that thing, that person, that circumstance, that season to
56:16
leave. Let it.
56:17
So then you can elevate to the next one.
56:22
So good, Thank you so much. So many good examples there and
56:25
really great visuals because that makes it.
56:28
Oh OK. I mean thank you.
56:30
So good. I love the open ants.
56:32
All right, 5 words on how you want to feel the next six
56:35
months. Oh, I like that.
56:40
I like your questions. How I want to feel.
56:44
I want to feel first and foremost.
56:47
I want to continue to cultivate this peace.
56:50
I'm in a very peaceful season. I'm in an inner peace.
56:56
Yeah, that inner peace is priceless.
57:00
Fulfilled. Fulfilled with what I do, with
57:03
the impact that I'm having. Abundant.
57:06
Abundant in all things. Abundant in my health, abundant
57:09
in the love that I give, that I receive.
57:13
You know, a lot of power. Power from who I know I am,
57:17
Power from the calling, power from the actions.
57:21
I don't want to take any hesitant actions.
57:23
Everything I do is with power and really just love, Love
57:30
feeling, love being love, you know, just experiencing that in
57:36
all of what is transpiring. Really, that's, that's all,
57:42
isn't it? What it's all about.
57:43
Like what else? Is it exactly?
57:46
No, that's exactly it. So good, so good.
57:49
Oh my gosh, so much. All right, Kara, tell people
57:53
where they can find you and follow you.
57:55
And don't worry listeners, this is all going to be on our
57:58
resources page. Adam embracinglayers.com bit
58:01
share that. Real quick now, while people are
58:02
listening, yeah, so on Instagram or wherever, I'm Caraval Esq, so
58:08
KARAVAVALESQ and caraval.com, that's my website.
58:16
I have tons of resources there. If you want to participate in
58:20
any. I do challenges.
58:21
I do all this kind of stuff to own your power to do, you know,
58:24
to just live your best life. That's where you can find me.
58:28
OK, awesome. Any last thoughts you want to
58:31
leave with our listeners today? You know the title of my first
58:36
book I'm working on the second one now is 28,000 days.
58:40
Make yours count, OK. And 28,000 days is the average
58:43
lifespan of a human being. We're only out here for about 75
58:46
years on average. Some people, we obviously live
58:49
longer. Some people live for a shorter
58:50
amount of time. You've only got 28,000 days.
58:53
And this is not a dress rehearsal.
58:55
We are live and this is your life, OK, So it really behooves
58:59
you to get to the business immediately, OK, because who
59:03
knows how many days you got left.
59:05
You know, it's a precious experience to be a human to do
59:08
this thing. You know, this is human life.
59:10
You know, you get you get a body, you get to breathe, you
59:14
get to see, you know, yourself in the mirror.
59:16
You get to, you know, taste good food.
59:19
You get to travel and see beautiful places.
59:22
Live, live, live. You know, it's, it's, it's, it's
59:27
it. You don't know how much longer
59:29
you know, I'm 42. My dad was murdered at 42.
59:31
He didn't get to see 43. So I'm, I'm so I'm so present to
59:38
the not only the fragility of life, but also to the gift of
59:46
today that I'm here. I'm able to still, I have breath
59:50
in me to have this conversation with you.
59:52
I could have not been here and you know, you're here listening,
59:55
but you, you could possibly not be here tomorrow.
59:58
Like it's all of us. You don't know when that clock
1:00:02
stops ticking. And so you know, this, this idea
1:00:06
that you know, you could do it later and all of that.
1:00:09
It's an illusion, you know, you got today.
1:00:11
So. Make the best of it and and live
1:00:16
up to your standard, because that's the only standard that
1:00:18
really matters. Yeah.
1:00:20
Oh, so good. All right, listeners, you heard
1:00:22
it here first. Take that and run with that.
1:00:25
I have nothing to add to that. That's pure gold.
1:00:27
Thank you so much for being with me.
1:00:30
Oh my God, thank. You so much for having me.
1:00:32
This is this was so fun and thank you to every single one of
1:00:36
your listeners for really granting me their listening.
1:00:38
I know it's a gift and if you listen thus far, I hope that
1:00:42
this serves you. Yeah.
1:00:45
Absolutely. All right, listeners, you've
1:00:47
heard it here first. You know what to do, you know
1:00:50
where to take action, take good care of yourselves and have a
1:00:54
great time. And rest of this week, live your
1:00:56
life fully, be in the present, and we'll see you here next time
1:01:00
on the Field podcast. Hello, and thank you so much for
1:01:04
being with us today on this episode of the Feel podcast.
1:01:09
If you would like more information on how you can apply
1:01:13
these talking points that I share with our guests in each
1:01:17
episode to your own life, really utilize this Feel framework, go
1:01:22
to embracinglayers.com, fill out our contact form, and let's set
1:01:27
up a free 30 minute consultation to talk about how you can start
1:01:33
being your most authentic, organic, healthy feel fueled
1:01:38
life. Thanks again for being with us
1:01:40
today. We'll be back to you soon with
1:01:42
another episode here on the Feel Podcast.