Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #390 The Importance of Self Control

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#390 The Importance of Self Control · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: This morning, we're bringing you the breaking news that way
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: and the entire country has been waiting for little Cleo
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Smith has been found and she's alive.
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: It's my privilege to announce that in the early hours
• 0:13
  Speaker 2: of this morning, the Western Australian Police Force rescued Cleo Smith.
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: Cleo is alive and well. One of the officers picked
• 0:20
  Speaker 2: her up into his arms and asked her, what's your name?
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: She said, my name is Cleo. This is the outcome
• 0:26
  Speaker 2: we all hoped and prayed for.
• 0:28
  Speaker 3: Before we start the podcast this morning, can we just
• 0:31
  Speaker 3: have a huge round of applause, a little bit of
• 0:33
  Speaker 3: a celebration for the West Australian Police and the fact
• 0:35
  Speaker 3: that Cleo Smith.
• 0:37
  Speaker 4: Has been found reunited with her family.
• 0:40
  Speaker 3: Can you imagine being reunited after not knowing for more
• 0:43
  Speaker 3: than two weeks, nearly three weeks.
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: I actually don't think I have the capacity of allowing
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: myself to feel what that would feel like. No, it
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: just it's a parent's worst nightmare.
• 0:55
  Speaker 3: So all day yesterday I was getting phone calls, especially
• 0:58
  Speaker 3: after I mean we did the Stranger Day and a
• 1:01
  Speaker 3: stranger in a park with a puppy thing on parental
• 1:03
  Speaker 3: guidance the night before and then the next morning we've
• 1:05
  Speaker 3: got this news. Here's this four year old girl who's
• 1:07
  Speaker 3: been found by w A police. I mean, just yesterday's
• 1:11
  Speaker 3: social media was blowing up in terms of how we
• 1:14
  Speaker 3: keep our kids safe. I was doing radio reviews all
• 1:16
  Speaker 3: around the country. There was so much going on. But
• 1:18
  Speaker 3: I love this quote from one of the police officers
• 1:22
  Speaker 3: who was involved, and this is what he said, and
• 1:26
  Speaker 3: I quote we all cried most definitely. It was an
• 1:29
  Speaker 3: amazing moment. Suddenly after hearing that, we were on such
• 1:32
  Speaker 3: a high. It was fantastic. When I say hearing that,
• 1:34
  Speaker 3: I mean when they said what is your name and
• 1:37
  Speaker 3: she said, my name is clear, my name is Cleo.
• 1:40
  Speaker 3: Can you imagine and all the reports say unharmed.
• 1:45
  Speaker 4: Wow wow, So.
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: I feel good story after what could have been absolutely tragic.
• 1:53
  Speaker 3: What a wonderful blessing. Now let's get on with the podcast.
• 1:59
  Speaker 5: It's that Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 2:02
  Speaker 5: time poor parent who just once answers.
• 2:06
  Speaker 3: Now, but the most disciplined people, the people who are
• 2:08
  Speaker 3: most efficient, most effective, most productive, the ones who get
• 2:11
  Speaker 3: most done. They set up their environments so that they
• 2:14
  Speaker 3: don't need to use self control.
• 2:16
  Speaker 5: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom
• 2:19
  Speaker 5: and Dad.
• 2:20
  Speaker 3: I am just hooked. I know that I'm in the show.
• 2:23
  Speaker 3: I know that I was part of the whole filming thing.
• 2:25
  Speaker 3: I know how it all happens, and yet watching Parental
• 2:29
  Speaker 3: Guidance on Channel nine has just been I'm absolutely hawked.
• 2:34
  Speaker 3: How good was last night?
• 2:35
  Speaker 6: I wasn't really sure whether the children would eat the
• 2:38
  Speaker 6: chocolate or not, but it's not our goal to have
• 2:40
  Speaker 6: obedient children.
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: When you came home, you showed me tiny little snippets
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: of things.
• 2:45
  Speaker 3: And I wasn't even supposed to show you them. Sorry
• 2:47
  Speaker 3: producers if.
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: You're listening, but honestly, you and I we've been sitting
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: there each night along with the kids, and we've been
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: crying and we've been laughing.
• 2:56
  Speaker 4: It has been really intent And then.
• 2:59
  Speaker 3: We mute the ads, and the kids just don't stop
• 3:01
  Speaker 3: talking to us about parenting. It's amazing, so much fun.
• 3:03
  Speaker 3: My name is doctor Justin Colson. By the way, I'm
• 3:05
  Speaker 3: the host or co host, I should say i'm parenting expert.
• 3:07
  Speaker 3: I I nearly took Ali Langdon's job. I'm not the host,
• 3:10
  Speaker 3: I'm the co host and the parenting expert on Channel
• 3:12
  Speaker 3: nine's Parental guidance another couple of weeks of action there,
• 3:15
  Speaker 3: and I'm here with Kylie, my wife of more than
• 3:18
  Speaker 3: two decades.
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: My husband before you were ever a co host. Just
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: remember that I never would forget it, not for a second.
• 3:23
  Speaker 3: And with the parents of six children aged from seven
• 3:27
  Speaker 3: years old up to like in their twenties and moved
• 3:29
  Speaker 3: out of home and living life as adults. We need
• 3:32
  Speaker 3: to talk about last night's show, which, by the way,
• 3:35
  Speaker 3: I hope you what topic do you want to choose?
• 3:38
  Speaker 4: There was so much in last night.
• 3:39
  Speaker 3: I hope you're enjoying the show, because if you're not,
• 3:41
  Speaker 3: you're going to hate the podcast from the next couple
• 3:43
  Speaker 3: of weeks as all there is to talk about, but
• 3:46
  Speaker 3: we need to talk about it from a science point
• 3:47
  Speaker 3: of view as well. We're not just going to do
• 3:49
  Speaker 3: a recap as you would have seen this week, where
• 3:51
  Speaker 3: we're talking about a couple of highlights, but then we
• 3:53
  Speaker 3: really pick it apart so that you, as a parent
• 3:56
  Speaker 3: can implement useful strategies at home to help your kids
• 3:59
  Speaker 3: do better. So, well, let's start with the beach tent.
• 4:03
  Speaker 3: Let's just start with the beach tent.
• 4:04
  Speaker 7: I'm not really one hundred percent sure what did you
• 4:07
  Speaker 7: mean really bad?
• 4:11
  Speaker 5: Dam just don't but I was mom going good Nah.
• 4:15
  Speaker 7: Seriously, the only thing I can do is sit here
• 4:18
  Speaker 7: and hold it.
• 4:19
  Speaker 4: I think the good root took itself down.
• 4:22
  Speaker 3: Definitely about it without the shade, Guys, I've only got
• 4:25
  Speaker 3: one thing to say about it.
• 4:26
  Speaker 4: I know what you're gonna say.
• 4:27
  Speaker 3: Yeah, how funny was it that the family that live
• 4:30
  Speaker 3: in a tent.
• 4:31
  Speaker 4: That couldn't put a tent up to save themselves.
• 4:33
  Speaker 3: Could put the beach shelter?
• 4:34
  Speaker 4: How did they put their tent out? I'm still trying
• 4:36
  Speaker 4: to work it out.
• 4:37
  Speaker 3: It was so good. Sam thire Day just there and says,
• 4:40
  Speaker 3: how funny is that? He's not laughing, he's just how
• 4:43
  Speaker 3: funny is that?
• 4:43
  Speaker 4: But then, what was so amazing watching Andrew and.
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: Miriam the street parents and these kids are literally just
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: got it, just like a well oiled machine.
• 4:52
  Speaker 3: Yeah, that was brilliant. Let's talk about the other challenges though.
• 4:56
  Speaker 3: One that we're not going to touch on today other
• 4:57
  Speaker 3: than to acknowledge that it happened, was how fighty kids
• 5:00
  Speaker 3: watching Timothy Andrew Miriam's five year old son climb that
• 5:03
  Speaker 3: rock wall and fall and hurt himself and then try again.
• 5:07
  Speaker 4: That was inspiring.
• 5:08
  Speaker 3: I was sitting there weeping.
• 5:09
  Speaker 4: I'm going, oh gosh.
• 5:10
  Speaker 3: And in the in the studio when we filmed it,
• 5:12
  Speaker 3: there were there was a lot of tears. It was
• 5:14
  Speaker 3: a really it was a really emotional experience to go through.
• 5:18
  Speaker 3: We're going to talk about how far to push your
• 5:19
  Speaker 3: kids next week because there are more challenges associated with
• 5:22
  Speaker 3: that for our second group of parents, So we'll hold
• 5:26
  Speaker 3: that off till next week. But the two things that
• 5:28
  Speaker 3: we've got to talk about today. First of all, family photos.
• 5:32
  Speaker 3: Can we do like a pyramid or do we need
• 5:34
  Speaker 3: timoy out us?
• 5:36
  Speaker 8: Family photos are generally quite hard work to get them
• 5:39
  Speaker 8: to smile, and in the past or the photos we've
• 5:41
  Speaker 8: got up our hallway properly a result of Tony dropping
• 5:45
  Speaker 8: his pants behind camera to try and get a genuine smile.
• 5:48
  Speaker 4: Out of them.
• 5:49
  Speaker 3: Just the bottom, just the bottom, guys. Do you know what?
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: Watching those family photos brought up so many memories for.
• 5:57
  Speaker 3: Us six kids trying to get family photos that happen.
• 6:00
  Speaker 3: Oh my goodness. And they were actually really good because
• 6:03
  Speaker 3: there were times where we've been getting family photos and
• 6:05
  Speaker 3: the sweat's pouring office because it's boiling hot and the
• 6:07
  Speaker 3: kids are refusing and We're like, now you're gonna smile.
• 6:11
  Speaker 3: Also help me, I'm going to make your wife well.
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: And in our kids defense, we have been in the
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: newspaper numerous times over the years as your business has increased,
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: they've wanted you with your six children.
• 6:24
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's a bit of a sort of talking point,
• 6:25
  Speaker 3: isn't it.
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: On the front page. And so inevitably we would pick
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: the kids up from school of an afternoon and just say,
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: you've got twenty minutes to get dressed, put these outfits on,
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: we're going down to the beach to have some family photos.
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: And they used to roll their eyes, like, not again.
• 6:39
  Speaker 3: We don't care about dead, we don't care about we
• 6:42
  Speaker 3: don't care about the newspaper.
• 6:43
  Speaker 4: We just want to play with their friends.
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: But up until up until we had probably five kids,
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: the majority of our photos were in a studio, stiff,
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: starchy portraits. Everyone's got matchy matchy, and oh my goodness,
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: hell would break loose because inevitably a toddler or a
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: four year old or a seven year old didn't want
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: to smile, did not want to be pushed in to,
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: you know, hold your head this way, sit this way,
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: across your legs that way.
• 7:08
  Speaker 4: And be told how to do things.
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: The game changer for us, absolute hands down game changer,
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: was when we found a photographer who just let us
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: free range.
• 7:17
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and worked with us rather than made us do
• 7:19
  Speaker 3: things their way.
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: That first time we went to Jeringong at the headliner,
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: oh yeah, yeah.
• 7:26
  Speaker 3: For those of you who are familiar with the southern
• 7:28
  Speaker 3: the South coast, those gorgeous cliffs between Jeringong and Kayama,
• 7:33
  Speaker 3: and we just the views.
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: I mean, it's just stunning, absolute game changer, just watching
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: the kids roll down the hills, play in the long
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: grass and he just snapped away and got all of
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: these beautiful shots. And what I loved about it, and
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: we've continue to use him over the years, is he
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: gets to capture our kids' personalities, yeah, and their quirks.
• 7:55
  Speaker 3: Like the time we were at North Gong and Emily
• 7:57
  Speaker 3: how Old was Emily two or three, and she decided
• 8:00
  Speaker 3: that she was just gonna in her beautiful dress, lay
• 8:03
  Speaker 3: down in the lagoon in the water, and she was wayteep.
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: She'd been playing at the water's edge, just in it
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: with her feet and the next thing we've turned around.
• 8:11
  Speaker 4: And she's just taken three or four steps in and
• 8:13
  Speaker 4: she's now waist.
• 8:14
  Speaker 3: Deep photos were fun, so fun. Yeah, they weren't. At
• 8:18
  Speaker 3: the time we were like, what are you doing? And
• 8:20
  Speaker 3: then we look back on them and go, oh, that
• 8:22
  Speaker 3: was so gorgeous. Anyway, So hints for family photos and
• 8:24
  Speaker 3: this is not what the podcast meant to be about,
• 8:26
  Speaker 3: but you've kind of hijacked it, hijacked it and well done,
• 8:30
  Speaker 3: because it's fun. The issue of family photos. You've got
• 8:34
  Speaker 3: to get them done. But find a photographer who's willing
• 8:37
  Speaker 3: to work with you outside and just let the kids
• 8:39
  Speaker 3: kind of free range and then just pull them together
• 8:40
  Speaker 3: for a couple of group shots and then you're done.
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: All right, Well, let's talk about the thing that's probably
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: on everybody's minds.
• 8:47
  Speaker 3: Yep. This morning our take on the marshmallow challenge. We
• 8:52
  Speaker 3: called it the chocolate Test.
• 8:53
  Speaker 7: We'll be back soon to decorate, so everybody will just
• 8:56
  Speaker 7: leave those alone, okay, and we'll put them on the
• 8:57
  Speaker 7: cake pretty soon.
• 8:59
  Speaker 6: I wasn't really sure or whether the children would eat
• 9:01
  Speaker 6: the chocolate or not. But it's not our goal to
• 9:03
  Speaker 6: have obedient children as nature parents. My goal is to
• 9:07
  Speaker 6: have children that can look all the information in front
• 9:10
  Speaker 6: of them and make a decision where everybody's needs are men, Well, I.
• 9:14
  Speaker 5: Want to eat one of them.
• 9:19
  Speaker 3: Harper is quite honest with us.
• 9:22
  Speaker 7: We've always tried to encourage discussion with her.
• 9:25
  Speaker 3: She would not reach an instruction and then tell us yea,
• 9:28
  Speaker 3: I know I didn't do anything when it's not it's not.
• 9:35
  Speaker 5: Don't truffy.
• 9:40
  Speaker 4: Did any of you eat some of the decorations?
• 9:44
  Speaker 9: Did you want to eat them?
• 9:46
  Speaker 8: Yeah?
• 9:47
  Speaker 9: This is what.
• 9:52
  Speaker 4: Are you proud of?
• 9:52
  Speaker 7: You?
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: There was some really really funny footage in Seriously, it
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: was almost like you trained the kids to give you
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: exactly what you want it.
• 10:00
  Speaker 3: It was amazing star watching Breton Tony's little guy, and
• 10:03
  Speaker 3: he just won to and and he took more than
• 10:06
  Speaker 3: he said he'd talk. I'm just saying he took a
• 10:08
  Speaker 3: lot more than he was supposed to take.
• 10:10
  Speaker 4: But then the attachment parents and this little girl like her.
• 10:12
  Speaker 3: Fingers was doing that and then she'd pull it back
• 10:16
  Speaker 3: over it.
• 10:16
  Speaker 4: I can't do that and you could do. Oh it
• 10:18
  Speaker 4: was just beautiful. I loved it. But why does self
• 10:21
  Speaker 4: control actually matter?
• 10:23
  Speaker 3: Well, let me ask you a question. If you had
• 10:25
  Speaker 3: no self control when it came to eating, what might happen?
• 10:29
  Speaker 4: Well, I'd eat until I was full would you Yeah?
• 10:32
  Speaker 3: Really, if you had no self control? Is that what
• 10:34
  Speaker 3: people do who haven't? If you had no self control
• 10:37
  Speaker 3: at school, what would you do?
• 10:39
  Speaker 4: I wouldn't do my work.
• 10:41
  Speaker 3: If you had no self control at work? How would
• 10:44
  Speaker 3: you go remaining employed?
• 10:45
  Speaker 4: I probably wouldn't if you had.
• 10:47
  Speaker 3: No self control. Socially, how many friends would you have?
• 10:51
  Speaker 3: I don't know the way you pretend to think about this.
• 10:53
  Speaker 3: You're so cute. So self control is critically important. And
• 10:56
  Speaker 3: when we look at the research around this, and there's
• 10:58
  Speaker 3: been a number of long term studies done on this
• 11:00
  Speaker 3: particular topic, I'm getting scientific about it because it matters.
• 11:04
  Speaker 3: The data shows that kids who have learned how to
• 11:06
  Speaker 3: regulate their emotions and their behaviors, that is, who know
• 11:09
  Speaker 3: how to operate with self control, they make better academic
• 11:12
  Speaker 3: progress than their peers who don't have the same level
• 11:15
  Speaker 3: of self control. They have better mental health, they have
• 11:17
  Speaker 3: better social relationships, they have better physical outcomes, They're more
• 11:20
  Speaker 3: likely to.
• 11:21
  Speaker 4: I get the picture.
• 11:22
  Speaker 3: I guess this matters. The kids that don't have self control,
• 11:25
  Speaker 3: the ones who are more likely to experiment with drugs
• 11:27
  Speaker 3: because they're uninhibited. They just go for it and say whatever,
• 11:31
  Speaker 3: let's just do it, they're more likely to get injured,
• 11:34
  Speaker 3: they're more likely to end up with criminal records because
• 11:38
  Speaker 3: they don't inhibit. And self control is the critical underpinning
• 11:43
  Speaker 3: thing here. People with more self control tend to generate
• 11:46
  Speaker 3: more wealth because they've got that discipline. Across every aspect
• 11:50
  Speaker 3: of life, self control helps us to live better lives
• 11:53
  Speaker 3: and have better outcomes. So that's why self control matters.
• 11:56
  Speaker 3: Can you tell how much self controlled child's got and
• 11:58
  Speaker 3: how successful they'll be in life by whether they eat
• 12:00
  Speaker 3: a marshmallow or a chocolate? Of course you can't. There's
• 12:03
  Speaker 3: so much more to it than that. But self control
• 12:07
  Speaker 3: is critically important for success in life.
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: So after the break, let's talk about seven ways that
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: we can help build self control on our kids.
• 12:14
  Speaker 3: It's the Happy Families podcast.
• 12:16
  Speaker 9: Imagine a home where discipline got results without anyone having
• 12:20
  Speaker 9: to feel bad or in trouble. The do's and don'ts
• 12:22
  Speaker 9: of discipline. There's a webinar to help parents set limits
• 12:25
  Speaker 9: with love, compassion and humanity. Find it now at Happy
• 12:29
  Speaker 9: families dot com dot au slash shop.
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast, The podcast for the time
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: poor parent who just wants answers now and today. We
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: have been reminiscing and reflecting on parental guidance last night.
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: Today we've been talking about self control, splash our.
• 12:46
  Speaker 3: Hands and we can ye did.
• 12:48
  Speaker 4: You eat one?
• 12:49
  Speaker 6: What did you eat?
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: All right?
• 12:51
  Speaker 4: Let's okay, so you ate one? Simon? Did anyone else
• 12:56
  Speaker 4: eat one? Okay?
• 12:58
  Speaker 8: All right?
• 12:59
  Speaker 3: How we build our kids? So there's some pretty good
• 13:01
  Speaker 3: science around this.
• 13:02
  Speaker 4: Emily's asking to do the marshmallow challenge, right.
• 13:05
  Speaker 3: Of course, she just wants to eat marshmallow.
• 13:07
  Speaker 4: She also wants to go to the restaurant and eat snails.
• 13:11
  Speaker 3: I missed that conversation, Yes you did.
• 13:13
  Speaker 4: It was on the way to school, all right.
• 13:14
  Speaker 3: Okay, because the kids in the show eats snails, So
• 13:16
  Speaker 3: now she wants to eat g We need to communicate
• 13:19
  Speaker 3: clearly with her that she's not to eat snails. Out
• 13:21
  Speaker 3: of the garden. We need we need to have that
• 13:25
  Speaker 3: conversation with her self control, Kylie. She needs some self
• 13:27
  Speaker 3: control when it comes to the snails.
• 13:29
  Speaker 4: Okay, let's get serious.
• 13:30
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and we're inctress of time because this is the
• 13:32
  Speaker 3: podcast for the time, poor parent who just wants answers now,
• 13:35
  Speaker 3: and we're kind of stretching the friendship. So let's get
• 13:37
  Speaker 3: into it.
• 13:38
  Speaker 4: All right, Well, you promised you've got seven tips.
• 13:41
  Speaker 3: It's the first one. We're going to go through them quickly.
• 13:42
  Speaker 3: The first one is out of sight, out of mind.
• 13:45
  Speaker 6: You know.
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: I loved when the challenge was set last night that
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: the nature parents.
• 13:51
  Speaker 3: Richard and Lynton, they literally just walked away. That's right,
• 13:54
  Speaker 3: And so no one's tempted because they're not in front
• 13:56
  Speaker 3: of the chocolate. And it's really interesting because when you
• 13:59
  Speaker 3: look at the science around this. Actually, let me speak personally,
• 14:02
  Speaker 3: and then I go to the science. I'm a pretty
• 14:04
  Speaker 3: disciplined person. I mean I've written a whole bunch of books.
• 14:06
  Speaker 4: And that's why you've got a cupboard full of chocolate.
• 14:08
  Speaker 3: I do not have. I've eaten it all. It's gone.
• 14:13
  Speaker 3: But here's the thing. I see cake or ice cream
• 14:17
  Speaker 3: and my extraordinary levels of self discipline. They just leave
• 14:20
  Speaker 3: the building.
• 14:21
  Speaker 4: So then you can't say you've got self discipline.
• 14:23
  Speaker 3: No, that's what people say. But the most disciplined people,
• 14:26
  Speaker 3: the people who are most efficient, most effective, most productive,
• 14:29
  Speaker 3: the ones who get most done, they don't. Actually they
• 14:32
  Speaker 3: set up their environment so that they don't need to
• 14:34
  Speaker 3: use self control.
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: See, I can have a cupboard full of chocolate and
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: as long as I don't see it, it can sit
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: there for months. The problem is one site open there,
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: you lead a whole packet.
• 14:48
  Speaker 3: I will on your own. What we're saying about self
• 14:51
  Speaker 3: control out of sight, out of mind. And that's where
• 14:54
  Speaker 3: rich and Lydden really nailed it last night with their
• 14:56
  Speaker 3: nature pairing. They just said, let's go for a walk
• 14:58
  Speaker 3: and now there's it's not an issue. Second one, when
• 15:02
  Speaker 3: we look at the initial Walter Michelle marshmallow experiment from
• 15:06
  Speaker 3: Stanford from back in the nineteen sixties, what the researchers
• 15:10
  Speaker 3: have founders they've gone back and reanalyzed the data, done
• 15:12
  Speaker 3: similar tests and all that kind of thing is that
• 15:14
  Speaker 3: kids who have parents who say, hey, do this and
• 15:17
  Speaker 3: then I'll give you that, and then the parent doesn't
• 15:19
  Speaker 3: follow through. Like if there's inconsistency on the parents part,
• 15:22
  Speaker 3: the kids learn not to trust adults. So if you say,
• 15:25
  Speaker 3: and this is what happened in the chocolate test, but
• 15:26
  Speaker 3: self control is based on that whole marshmallow test thing.
• 15:28
  Speaker 3: If you haven't seen it, by the way, just google it.
• 15:30
  Speaker 3: What's the videos. They're very funny. If you say to
• 15:32
  Speaker 3: a child, hey, if you don't eat this, marshmallow. When
• 15:35
  Speaker 3: I come back shortly, I'll give you two, so long
• 15:37
  Speaker 3: as this one hasn't been eaten. Well, if they've got
• 15:39
  Speaker 3: a track record of dealing with adults who don't come
• 15:41
  Speaker 3: good on their promises, they're going to be like, let'
• 15:43
  Speaker 3: see if I'm going to wait because I'm not going
• 15:45
  Speaker 3: to get a second marshmallow. I'm always told that I
• 15:47
  Speaker 3: get stuff and I don't. They're going to Marshmallow's going
• 15:50
  Speaker 3: down the gob straight away. So we've got to make
• 15:52
  Speaker 3: sure that we're consistent, we're truthful, that we follow through
• 15:54
  Speaker 3: on what we promise the kids. That's the second step
• 15:57
  Speaker 3: for building self control.
• 15:59
  Speaker 4: Third one favorite gentle reminders general reminders.
• 16:02
  Speaker 3: Yeah, so when this works really well with our youngest
• 16:06
  Speaker 3: child who does have some additional needs and needs some
• 16:08
  Speaker 3: additional support when she's drawing pictures off her favorite YouTube
• 16:12
  Speaker 3: channel or when she's watching TV, we just say, hey,
• 16:15
  Speaker 3: remember what did we say? When this one's over, and
• 16:17
  Speaker 3: we just do that quick gentle reminder, and she's she's
• 16:20
  Speaker 3: a dream. She has enormous amounts of self control, so
• 16:23
  Speaker 3: long as we step in and we just offer those
• 16:26
  Speaker 3: little pokes and prods without controlling things, but just giving
• 16:29
  Speaker 3: that reminder.
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: I check in with her and I'll just say how
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: long's it got She'll go four minutes. Yeah, just those
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: gentle reminders to remind her what's happening.
• 16:39
  Speaker 3: And that's it. That's all you've got to do. That
• 16:41
  Speaker 3: that sort of stuff helps them to control themselves better.
• 16:44
  Speaker 3: Number four, so play games that teach self control. Our
• 16:49
  Speaker 3: favorite game in our family is twenty.
• 16:51
  Speaker 4: One, one, two, three.
• 16:54
  Speaker 3: Well, it's not very it's pretty easy with just top
• 16:57
  Speaker 3: eleven twelve. So basically the idea is, so long you've
• 17:00
  Speaker 3: got more than two people, three or four people, especially
• 17:02
  Speaker 3: with kids, is you've got to count to twenty one
• 17:04
  Speaker 3: and if I say one, the next number obviously is two.
• 17:08
  Speaker 3: But if we say it at the same time, if
• 17:09
  Speaker 3: we both say the same number, you've got to go
• 17:10
  Speaker 3: back to one again. And the more people that are involved,
• 17:12
  Speaker 3: the harder is to get this right. And it really
• 17:14
  Speaker 3: becomes a question of self control. How long can you
• 17:17
  Speaker 3: inhibit the number from coming out of your mouth. The
• 17:19
  Speaker 3: kids love this game. It's so much fun, but it's
• 17:21
  Speaker 3: actually a self control game. Other games that are fun
• 17:23
  Speaker 3: to teach self controller games that are like and then
• 17:28
  Speaker 3: you get somebody to copy it and they've got to
• 17:30
  Speaker 3: control themselves. They've got to listen, or you can do
• 17:32
  Speaker 3: some drumming sort of games. I remember games like red Light,
• 17:36
  Speaker 3: green Light, where people have got to learn how to
• 17:37
  Speaker 3: stop and start, sleeping lines, all these kinds of regulatory
• 17:41
  Speaker 3: games that help kids to just stop and think and
• 17:45
  Speaker 3: then move again. Freeze, remember when we used to play Freeze?
• 17:48
  Speaker 3: Or musical statues.
• 17:49
  Speaker 4: What about what's the time mister Wolf?
• 17:51
  Speaker 3: Same thing? Yeah, and the kids take those steps forward
• 17:53
  Speaker 3: and then they've got to stop and they've got to
• 17:54
  Speaker 3: be nice and still.
• 17:55
  Speaker 4: So what's number five?
• 17:56
  Speaker 3: Okay, So this one's a really big one. It's about motivation,
• 18:00
  Speaker 3: Like you're going to be more controlled, You're going to
• 18:02
  Speaker 3: have more inhibition, more self regulation. If you are motivated
• 18:05
  Speaker 3: to do something internally, that is, if you actually want
• 18:08
  Speaker 3: to do it, if it's part of what you're about.
• 18:10
  Speaker 3: If you're doing it because someone else told you to
• 18:11
  Speaker 3: do it, then you're not going to control yourself particularly well.
• 18:14
  Speaker 3: Simple case in point. If you don't really care that
• 18:17
  Speaker 3: much about the speed limit, you're not going to obey
• 18:19
  Speaker 3: it because you've got no intrinsic motivation to do it
• 18:21
  Speaker 3: except when the police are around. And sometimes as parents,
• 18:25
  Speaker 3: we become the police, and so the kids do as
• 18:27
  Speaker 3: they're told when we're around because they don't want to
• 18:28
  Speaker 3: get into trouble, but they don't have any intrinsic desire
• 18:31
  Speaker 3: to do it, and so our job is to And
• 18:33
  Speaker 3: I guess this sort of segues into the next self
• 18:35
  Speaker 3: control idea is to support our children's autonomy by saying, hey,
• 18:41
  Speaker 3: what do you reckon? A good rule around this would
• 18:44
  Speaker 3: be why would that be a good rule? How can
• 18:46
  Speaker 3: we make sure that we make this happen? So we're
• 18:48
  Speaker 3: giving the kids the opportunity to develop rules, develop guidelines,
• 18:51
  Speaker 3: develop ways forward, to incorporate effective boundaries and limits, in
• 18:56
  Speaker 3: other words, effective controls into their own lives that they're
• 19:00
  Speaker 3: forrinsically recognized as being good.
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: I don't know if this is on your list or not,
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: but I would have to think that being a model
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: is probably one of the most important things if we
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: want to help our children learn self control.
• 19:10
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 19:10
  Speaker 3: Our example, that was actually the last one, the seventh
• 19:13
  Speaker 3: of seven things on my list, thank you very much,
• 19:15
  Speaker 3: was Yeah, being a model, because if we fly off
• 19:17
  Speaker 3: the handle, guess what we teach.
• 19:18
  Speaker 4: The kids that it's okay to fly off the handle.
• 19:20
  Speaker 3: Yeah, that's exactly right.
• 19:23
  Speaker 4: And what about if your cupboards full of chocolate?
• 19:25
  Speaker 3: My cupbod's not full of chocolate. You can go over
• 19:26
  Speaker 3: there and have a look. I promise you there's no
• 19:28
  Speaker 3: You ate it all ages ago when I decided that
• 19:30
  Speaker 3: I was going to have more control and not buy
• 19:32
  Speaker 3: it and put it in the cupboard. I promise you
• 19:34
  Speaker 3: there's no chocolate in the cupboard.
• 19:35
  Speaker 4: That's because you buy it and eat it before you
• 19:37
  Speaker 4: come home. So I don't know.
• 19:39
  Speaker 3: I promise you. I don't even like chocolate much.
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: All right, Well, let's wrap up. We've got a couple
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: of nights where we can go to bed early. Parental
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: Guidance isn't airing again until next Monday.
• 19:51
  Speaker 3: Wait for next Monday night.
• 19:52
  Speaker 4: Look at our kids?
• 19:53
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I know, no chocolate, by the way, too much
• 19:56
  Speaker 3: chocolate this week around the Parental Guidance television set.
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: Well, hopefully this has given you a bunch of ideas
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: on how you can help your kids develop self control.
• 20:05
  Speaker 3: Maybe even you, Oh thank you for that. I was
• 20:07
  Speaker 3: just The Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin Rowland
• 20:10
  Speaker 3: from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer. If
• 20:12
  Speaker 3: you'd like more, info about making your family happier. Please
• 20:15
  Speaker 3: join us at happy families dot com dot au