Latest / Questionable Detour / Putting bees in a guy's pants, pulling a gun on a plane, and curling up and dying.

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Putting bees in a guy's pants, pulling a gun on a plane, and curling up and dying. · Questionable Detour

• 0:00
  Excuse me, what is going on here?
• 0:04
  But first we're gonna make a little detour.
• 0:09
  So absurd, so questionable.
• 0:12
  Yeah, I guess we're just the weirdos.
• 0:15
  Expect the detour.
• 0:24
  Last week we talked about colonoscopies. I'm not looking forward to that.
• 0:28
  Well, I'm not at an age yet where I have to get those regularly, but you know here in about 10 years or so,
• 0:33
  10 or 11 years, it's gonna be like an annual thing. I have to have a doctor
• 0:37
  root around in there. My grandmother had colon cancer. So we- Oh, you have a history. Yeah. Yeah.
• 0:42
  My uh, grandfather also had colon cancer. Pop. He had colon cancer. So my uh, my grandfather had prostate cancer.
• 0:48
  So I'm right there with y'all. It's not a competition. Y'all wanna do this together?
• 0:52
  Like may go to the doctor together. Maybe be like- You think we can schedule it together? Yeah, you think you can schedule it together?
• 0:57
  It'll look like uh- Y'all are gonna have to wait two years for me because I am two years behind y'all. You can get yours early.
• 1:02
  Yeah, it's never too early to be healthy.
• 1:04
  Well, technically there is because I think you insurance won't pay for it if you're under a certain age. So
• 1:10
  I'm not just gonna pay my own money for it.
• 1:14
  There's no better feeling than paying out of pocket for your colonoscopy.
• 1:18
  When you bust out that wallet, and you take out that whole cold hard cash. Yeah, you get screwed twice.
• 1:27
  The thing with prostate cancer though, which it is better than you two with y'all's
• 1:31
  colon cancer is I don't have to be put to sleep.
• 1:33
  Like they just bend over the table and start rooting around in there.
• 1:36
  Y'all are gonna have to get like cameras all jammed up in y'all's stuff. But they do knock you out for that, right?
• 1:41
  Yeah, but not for a prostate exam. I'm not worried about that. Colonoscopy. Yeah, the colonoscopy they do.
• 1:46
  But is that better for you? Would you rather be unconscious while somebody's rooting around in your butt?
• 1:52
  Otherwise back there rooting around like a truffle pig.
• 1:54
  I think it's one of those things that if I don't know at the moment what's happening out of sight out of mind,
• 2:00
  I guess. I guess as long as I don't know someone's- You hear that rapist? You put a date rape bug in Allen's drink? He's good.
• 2:07
  He doesn't care. He won't report you.
• 2:10
  He wakes up a little sore. He's like,
• 2:12
  I slept wrong. I wasn't conscious for that.
• 2:16
  Just another Wednesday.
• 2:20
  No, I get it though. I don't think I'd want anybody rooting around in there like it's a mind shaft.
• 2:25
  What if he tries to have a conversation with you? Like a dentist? Yeah. How was your day?
• 2:30
  Because with a dentist, you can't really talk back. He's just kind of talking just to make you at ease.
• 2:34
  I'm not gonna be able to talk back if he's rooting around in there. It's gonna be clenched teeth.
• 2:38
  Is there something in your mouth that means you can't talk?
• 2:40
  I didn't say it's clenched teeth.
• 2:44
  You know, you're like, good, it's fine. Everything's fine.
• 2:48
  Allen's just really relaxed. He's like,
• 2:50
  oh no, this is great.
• 2:52
  Teen mag.
• 2:54
  Have you heard about this new airplane food? The doctor's back there like you talked to him.
• 3:00
  Hey, bud, I'm up your butt right now.
• 3:03
  You want to dial it back?
• 3:05
  Allen was talking about like the nastiest butt the guy's seen, you know stuff like that. He's like what's the worst one?
• 3:11
  Compare it to mine.
• 3:13
  What does mine look like compared to that?
• 3:15
  Are you ready to have to drink all that stuff that flushes your body out? I forgot about that.
• 3:19
  That's a good point. You have to drink so much like weird stuff to clean everything out there. I didn't know that.
• 3:23
  Yeah. Yeah, you can't like eat for like 24 hours like solid food.
• 3:27
  Yeah, you have to drink that thing. I think a full day before and you have you are in and out of that bathroom.
• 3:32
  Yeah. Yeah, i'd rather just have colon cancer. I think it's just easier at that point.
• 3:37
  You know chemo kind of does the same thing. Nobody's up your butt in chemo though. Depends on who you go to.
• 3:44
  Is it the doctors that you pay out of pocket? Yeah. I get turds doesn't cover your doctors.
• 3:49
  But yeah, maybe we can all do it together and look like some cattle on a dairy farm.
• 3:53
  You know, they just have the booth sitting right by side side by side each other. Yeah.
• 3:57
  Yeah, that'd be good. But I would want the front to be open so I can look at y'all's eyes while it happens.
• 4:01
  Yeah, I want to be able to like turn and like. I want to be on the end.
• 4:05
  So I just slowly I see Evan his eyes widened.
• 4:08
  Then Alan's eyes widened. I wanted to be a triangle situation. You want to be a triangle situation?
• 4:14
  Is what you usually look at it. Where I can just see both of you at the same time.
• 4:18
  Just slowly lose consciousness and then at the end of it is just Zack by himself just getting a prostate exam.
• 4:25
  And we're passed out next to him.
• 4:27
  You're alone with two unconscious bodies in a medical team.
• 4:33
  Medical team as a medical team. I mean if we're each getting I think it's three guys. You make it seem like the football team.
• 4:40
  I I want a lot of people around.
• 4:44
  One guy
• 4:46
  What if what if there's something he don't know?
• 4:49
  You want second and third opinions? I would like that. Yeah.
• 4:52
  I wanted to start as one guy and then like once he gets in there
• 4:55
  He's like calls in other people and he's like you gotta look at this.
• 4:59
  It's a medical mystery. I want I want to have that relief pitcher. I want him I want him in the bullpen
• 5:06
  waiting in case something happens to my starter. Do you want him to tag off like ww wrestlers?
• 5:11
  And what's he doing in the bullpen while he's warming up, you know?
• 5:16
  Just the the two finger motion. He's just like flexing his two finger.
• 5:20
  And you gotta have the catcher to be there so like he's like he's able to kind of be like oh, yeah. Well, you're the catcher in this situation.
• 5:29
  Oh, yeah. Yeah. What if you put something up there for them to find? It's like a little treasure hunt fine.
• 5:34
  What do you think would be cool to have up there? I would think you would have to like screen the doctor.
• 5:39
  You'd have to screen the doctor see what he likes. So maybe if he's like a stamp collector. Oh, yeah
• 5:43
  A little rare stamp up there. You keyster it and then all of a sudden he's he's going in with the camera on the stick.
• 5:49
  Whatever they use for colonoscopies. He turns that corner of the transcending colon. He's like
• 5:56
  Look what I found. Barbara, give me the tweezers.
• 6:01
  Turns into an old gold prospector from the 1800s finding gold. Stick a stick a wheat penny up there.
• 6:08
  He pulls that thing out puts it above his head and starts running around the hospital.
• 6:14
  I was thinking get like uh, like write a really small note and shove it up there
• 6:18
  But write the note like i'm being abused at home and like all these things like he's gonna freak out
• 6:23
  But you're passed out and he can't ask you any questions. So he's just like it's just like please help me
• 6:27
  Please help me. Please help me and he's just like I don't know what to do. There's multiple notes as he goes further
• 6:31
  Yeah, it just keeps explaining it and if he gets all the way to you know, the end of it
• 6:37
  Then there's just like a small potluck with some assorted dishes and it's like oh just joking
• 6:46
  So the camera is gonna eat the dinner that's inside your butthole. Here's a banana. I know we three live in a fantasy world for the most part. Evan lives in a fantasy world.
• 6:57
  He wants to feed a stick camera up his butt.
• 7:02
  I just want them to know that they're appreciated. I guess that could be an intro.
• 7:05
  Welcome to questionable detour. Let's do a hypothetical.
• 7:08
  Dave can I pose a somewhat abstract purely hypothetical question?
• 7:13
  I guess I want to apologize for asking a hypothetical question. Well, that's a hypothetical question
• 7:19
  Alrighty boys
• 7:21
  For our first hypothetical we have a little listener submitted question here for us. Brett writes in Brett here great entrance
• 7:29
  Is that his last name here?
• 7:31
  Brett here. It's lowercase. Okay, unless he doesn't know english then I don't think so love the podcast and i'm always
• 7:38
  Laughing so keep it up
• 7:39
  But I was wondering what you do to win or de-escalate a bar fight
• 7:43
  I can't wait to hear from you guys short and sweet and to the point short sweet to the point
• 7:47
  Also, he wrote in like he's our boss like he wrote in as if we already know him
• 7:51
  That's one step below just being like hey, it's me. He's like I want this on my desk monday
• 7:56
  Yeah, and read the first line again like he goes brett is here love the podcast and I am always laughing
• 8:03
  So keep it up. So keep it up like he it's a command. Mm-hmm like
• 8:08
  Sure, he was he was probably worried that uh that we might we might tap out on him. I I hope not brett
• 8:14
  I'm on the edge. I'm like right there
• 8:17
  But you know, well i'm here. Well, evan will stay for you brett. Yeah now that I got that
• 8:21
  I think i'm gonna keep it up
• 8:23
  I think what we need from our listeners is a lot of fawning words
• 8:29
  Yeah, just just some motivation to get us through. We're all we're all one bad recording away from just
• 8:36
  Closing up shop, but one bad recording away from ending it
• 8:41
  But all right boys as as macho men y'all are i'm sure y'all got into some some tussles
• 8:46
  Oh at the local at the local pub. What do y'all do to either win it or de-escalate it?
• 8:51
  I don't know whatever y'all's tactic is to get out of the situation if I were to get into an altercation down at the watering hole
• 8:57
  What I would do to kind of diffuse the situation is I would I would roll a dice and it's a six-sided die
• 9:04
  Whatever number it lands on it corresponds to a task that I do. I am a severe gambling addict has
• 9:11
  It has no bearing on this decision at all. That's just something that
• 9:15
  My sponsor thinks I should say when I bring up dice
• 9:18
  Dice
• 9:20
  At least you're admitting it to yourself. I mean, yeah
• 9:23
  Yeah
• 9:23
  So first off if the dice lands on one that is an automatic release bees into their pants. Okay?
• 9:31
  Okay, okay
• 9:32
  Just carry I mean, i'm sure everybody carries around a mason jar full of full of bees you guys you guys carry that around
• 9:39
  Not this year. I feel like it just kind of fades out for me. Yeah, my queen died and the hive kind of fizzled out
• 9:44
  So yeah
• 9:45
  Well, I sort of open carry. Um, that's like you open carry your jar of bees. I open carry my jar of bees
• 9:52
  Um, you know like the top is open or people can just see it open carry. It's just on my on my hip
• 9:57
  Like he's got like a holster like a sidearm
• 9:59
  I just didn't know if you had like a really trained bee system where they just kept coming in and out of the jar
• 10:04
  You just kept it open one could hope that's what you can only know
• 10:08
  But you just you know guys guys trying to tussle with you. You just grab a jar and just start pouring them down his pants
• 10:13
  grab him by the belt loops and just
• 10:17
  Just pull those Levi's open shovel bees down there
• 10:21
  That would kill I don't want to say it like this, but i'm going to that would kill the mood
• 10:25
  You you will defuse the situation. Yeah. Yeah, like he's not fighting anymore. No, not not one chance
• 10:31
  Um lands on lands on two grab his drink replace with orange gatorade orange gatorade is the worst
• 10:37
  Um preach he'll he'll definitely definitely hate that if it lands on three sing him to sleep sing him to sleep
• 10:42
  Okay. Yeah, pull out rocking chair. You've probably got one on hand. Um, I know I do
• 10:47
  Pull that thing out bring it into the bar kind of get the get the bar quiet start rocking them to sleep
• 10:52
  Do you have a yeah?
• 10:53
  Do you have a mobile that kind of goes with that that kind of plays a sweet little baby melody?
• 10:57
  Yeah, i've got a fish and pull and I just kind of hang the mobile from the end
• 11:01
  Yeah, yeah
• 11:01
  I just once they once they start hearing the song and me brushing their hair just just all nice
• 11:06
  Like I don't have a brush
• 11:08
  I just use my hands you look kind of like poke at their nose like kind of all cute like that some people do with babies
• 11:13
  Just kind of yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I say are you asleep yet?
• 11:16
  Oh, yeah
• 11:19
  You said poke though you said poke their nose. Well, it's just you know a little boop
• 11:22
  It's a little boop on the nose that people do with babies. Yeah. Yeah, something like that. Yeah, do you maybe?
• 11:27
  Trade his clothes out for a giant onesie
• 11:29
  Yeah with with the opening in the back so that I can I don't know what the opening's for
• 11:33
  Was it for pooping? I I would assume it has to do something with exits. Yeah
• 11:37
  Okay, I was thinking maybe it was a diaper change situation, but I don't think he can do that
• 11:40
  Oh, I think that would be very messy. It would be very messy. That's not i'm trying to defuse the situation
• 11:47
  That would that would just make it worse. I think yeah
• 11:50
  So we're gonna keep that little flap close
• 11:53
  But he's wearing the ones but he is wearing the onesie with the flap
• 11:55
  You have really coarse hands too. So like whenever you're running your fingers through his hair
• 11:59
  It's kind of it's not it's like sandpaper in his head
• 12:01
  Yeah, i've got like the hands that like a steel driver at a railroad
• 12:05
  Just a rail yard would have
• 12:08
  When you're driving down gravel roads you stick your hand out and into the gravel like you're in a boat
• 12:13
  Just touching the water you're just letting you let your hands run over that gravel that gravel says ouch. Yeah, and that happens
• 12:20
  When you go to the bathroom wash your hands you just use sandpaper to dry it off
• 12:25
  Yeah, it uh, it just it rips up rips up any kind of toilet paper paper towel so it's kind of a nightmare
• 12:31
  Um, if the dice rolls on four i'm gonna start uh reading poetry in old gaelic nice, yeah
• 12:37
  Based on you know, quick google searches. I find that's one of the most soothing languages
• 12:41
  Can you speak old gaelic to us now? I can't i'm gonna try to so things that I might say to and we've got
• 12:48
  Pulled up on the computer here just typing in to windows 95
• 12:52
  and
• 12:54
  They they've given me a couple of uh classic irish gaelic
• 12:57
  Phrases so if I want to say hello literal translation being god be with you. It's
• 13:04
  Be a bit
• 13:07
  You're right that is a beautiful language very I mean just put if I if I walked up to you and I was like
• 13:17
  Would that not just
• 13:20
  You sound like a star wars character you sound like you're trying to throw up
• 13:22
  Most easily cantina that's god be with you. That's a very
• 13:27
  Very good statement like that makes people feel so so comfortable
• 13:31
  So we got we got thank you here, which literal translation may you have goodness. It's
• 13:37
  go
• 13:39
  Go rabia myeth I got
• 13:42
  Go rabia myeth I got yeah, so
• 13:45
  You know hand me that drink. Yeah, here you go. Oh, yeah, man. Go rabia myeth I got
• 13:54
  I feel like I just stepped out of on bourbon street or something. I think it casts a spell on me
• 13:59
  kind of kind of tingly
• 14:01
  So we have hello and thank you we've got hello and thank you, um, which you said you'd read a poem. I don't
• 14:07
  very silly poem
• 14:10
  It was it's a lot of potential
• 14:12
  I don't know a lot of uh ancient gaelic hoping to learn but if the situation comes up, I think i'm
• 14:18
  I think i'm just gonna start uh saying nonsense. I think it's a good risk
• 14:23
  Knowing that the person you're reading it to probably doesn't know old gaelic to fact check you either. You know, like yeah
• 14:30
  Yeah, you're gonna say that stuff and be like, oh, I you know complimented your mother. Yeah
• 14:33
  Nobody's nobody's teaching two semesters of that in high school
• 14:37
  Nobody's sitting down at old gaelic
• 14:39
  Five dice dice rolls. Um five i'm just gonna pretend to be a scarecrow. Yeah
• 14:44
  That's that that's more of a passive the places that I hang out are mainly the walls are decorated with scarecrows
• 14:50
  So the bars you go to yeah. Yeah the establishment a lot of brother sister married couples in there
• 14:56
  Yes, a lot of them the the people there look like scarecrows and then scarecrows don the walls
• 15:01
  Yeah, so i'm gonna be able to kind of escape out of the situation. No, no, no, no, no
• 15:05
  No, no, no air conditioning. It's sort of a trash can fire. Um in the middle of the building
• 15:11
  Homeless people style there's no taps behind the bars. Just the pouring pouring moonshine out of that big
• 15:17
  Yeah, exactly right exactly right. So you just kind of blend in with a scarecrow
• 15:20
  Yeah, what I do is I just I just kind of dress up and then throw myself to the wall
• 15:24
  Yeah, and you just fit in you just hope the person you're fighting with has short-term memory loss
• 15:28
  Mm-hmm. Yeah, or or just can't just can't find me
• 15:31
  Maybe I've maybe i've described it to you
• 15:33
  Good. Maybe i'm a master at camouflage when it comes to scarecrows
• 15:37
  Yeah, it's a niche camouflage niche skill to have it is but it does get the job done. I have a part-time job
• 15:44
  Um at a cornfield. Oh, um, not as good as you'd think
• 15:49
  I didn't think very high
• 15:52
  Yeah, it's not when you look up the top paying jobs in the united states uh, scarecrow doesn't really top that list
• 15:59
  Yeah, yeah, yeah
• 16:00
  You know, but it's it's honest work. All right, what's six the final the final dice side? What do you what happens?
• 16:07
  I just start taking markers and drawing on their face. Yeah, absolutely. I just I try to little them
• 16:12
  Yeah, yeah, I try to like close their eyeballs and draw even worse eyeballs on top of their eyelids
• 16:18
  They're stupid. I mean if they could even they'll never be able to see themselves. Yeah, of course
• 16:24
  They'll never see how dumb those those irate look
• 16:27
  Yeah, a little really mustaches on them. Definitely definitely angry eyebrows. Mm-hmm little little hitler stash
• 16:32
  Yeah, maybe classic little devil horn. Yeah. Yeah, that's good. Which is your favorite? Um, if you were going like if you when you roll that dice
• 16:40
  In the conflict, you know, there's a there's a number that you hope to hit which was which is that number?
• 16:45
  I think i'm hoping to release bees in their pants bees in the pants is a good one
• 16:49
  I think it's the most aggressive I carry a lot of bees around and you don't you don't really get that
• 16:54
  Situation unfortunately, it doesn't it doesn't arise very much where you can use the bees. Well, yeah
• 17:00
  It's one in six chance. Well at this point. Yeah. Yeah, but like people don't understand
• 17:04
  It's just not like you have a gun on your hip your bee
• 17:08
  Carrying open carrying is like you have a it's like a batman belt essentially
• 17:12
  You just have a bunch of jars just wrapped around you
• 17:15
  Yeah, just full of bees and I draw the jars out of their out of their makeshift holster and I kind of spin them around in my
• 17:20
  Yeah in my hands like a gun. Yeah, like just uh kind of flick that that lid off and there go the it's so smooth
• 17:28
  Oh, yeah, it's just all basically one motion. It's so cool. Yeah, I like to sum things up. Let me sum this up
• 17:33
  So you go to a bar dressed as a scarecrow be
• 17:37
  Jars wrapped around your waist dragging a rocking chair and a fishing pole. Uh-huh
• 17:42
  Yeah, and you had somewhere have markers. That's how you go to every bar
• 17:46
  Uh and orange Gatorade in case I need to swap out their drinks. And the orange Gatorade. Um and then dice obviously
• 17:52
  Yeah, of course. So you walk in with a tow belt on
• 17:54
  Yeah, yeah, I look like I'm coming to fix something in there
• 17:58
  But not anything in this reality
• 18:02
  They're like, oh, well, maybe that guy's here to fix the toilet. No, he's got a fishing pole
• 18:06
  Yeah, he's got a fishing pole and a jar of bees
• 18:10
  That's just an interesting thing. So like let's say
• 18:12
  You know, this is today's Thursday the day we're recording this so this weekend I say hey Alan
• 18:16
  Evan and I are going out to bar do you want to come so that means you have to go?
• 18:20
  Yeah, yeah, I'll come but you just have to get all that stuff ready. Yeah
• 18:22
  Yeah, yeah, what I do is I kind of keep a go bag in the car though
• 18:25
  Okay, so if if uh if I get get a ring from you and I'm and I'm out and about um
• 18:31
  I've got collapsible fishing pole all my all my accoutrements in the in the car with me. Yeah, um
• 18:37
  Yeah, I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to do that
• 18:39
  In the in the car with me, um, yeah, just just grab just grab the duffel and go. Okay. Okay. Just ready to go
• 18:46
  That's good saying surprise the bees could last that long in the car. Yeah
• 18:50
  I guess you do open carry those though. So they're probably on your yeah
• 18:53
  I mean they've got they've got little you know air holes in the in in the jar lid. I'm not a not a monster
• 19:00
  No, that's fair. He says with dead eyes
• 19:03
  Life-less eyes as he stares off into the distance as he just told us about he was trying to unleash them into someone's pants
• 19:09
  Yeah, the bees like it borderline sexual assault. Whoa
• 19:14
  That is back is a question are you reaching in there?
• 19:16
  How far are you reaching out? Uh, no, those bees are okay. I'm done. I am done with them
• 19:23
  It's just you know, once you grab somebody's belt belt line, then it's kind of like are you sexually assaulting?
• 19:27
  It could go a lot of ways. They're not expecting you to stick bees in their pants though. Is the belt line the line though?
• 19:32
  Yeah, I'd say so I would say if they thought that I would say wow perv
• 19:41
  Just be passive. Uh, don't think that's don't think you're getting that from me. I'm asexual, bro
• 19:49
  But uh, all right. Well this weekend. Yeah. Yeah, we'll go out you can i'll start fights you can end them love to love to
• 19:56
  All right, evan. How are you? How are you resolving conflict?
• 19:58
  Whether it be violence or well, this is a tough question for me because i'm a pretty passive guy
• 20:04
  Um, I don't get into a lot of scuffles if somebody comes up and tries to give you a high five
• 20:09
  You try to dodge out of the way. Yeah, well, that's not true. I try to high five everything every any high five
• 20:14
  I high five that but if anybody comes up to me aggressively
• 20:18
  I pretty much just either act like I don't hear them or turn around just walk away
• 20:22
  You know cower in fear if I have to depend on how aggressive they are
• 20:26
  But yeah, I mean as a whole I try to uh, stay out of tussles and skirmishes
• 20:32
  so if someone does get wise with me and they're trying to
• 20:35
  Start something and be aggressive. I have something planned where i've already created a marathon in their name and in their
• 20:43
  Honor, okay, and so i've already got at least 600 people signed up to run this marathon
• 20:49
  So as soon as they approach me and they're like, what are you doing? You're an idiot. You smell like toast
• 20:54
  Why are you here? Please smell like toast. I sit in a toaster a lot. Oh, I sit right next to that'll explain
• 21:00
  I like to shove my fingers in there sometimes
• 21:03
  See what it feels like you often try to swim with a toaster too like in your bathtub
• 21:07
  Yeah, you're trying to get out different reasons trying to leave this earth different reasons. Yeah one's curiosity. The other is lack of
• 21:15
  But yeah, so I just tell them hey buddy. Why are you gonna fight me when i'm doing so much for you?
• 21:20
  I'm raising all this money to cure you
• 21:23
  You and in your honor, that's almost a passive aggressive thing. What's his what's his disease?
• 21:28
  Just be just being him
• 21:33
  So that deescalates it pretty quickly because they're like that's the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me
• 21:38
  Yeah, and i'm like you're welcome. Yeah telling telling somebody the personality is a problem and a disease that usually works out
• 21:44
  Well, yeah
• 21:44
  Everybody's usually pretty appreciative of it because they're they got pretty thick skulls to begin with sure
• 21:50
  So so when you're getting the word out about this do you kind of like make commercials and like film people who have been?
• 21:56
  Uh, maybe interview them if they've been hurt by this person. Yeah. Yeah. Well people that have been affected by
• 22:02
  Yeah, his disease
• 22:04
  Um his condition. Yeah, if you will just being around him just being around his closest
• 22:10
  We all know somebody goes this guy's personality is a disease. Yeah, do you ever make marathons in their name?
• 22:14
  I don't this is such a good idea. Thank you seems like a
• 22:18
  A lot of work. It's a lot of work. Um, I put in a lot of money as well to promote this
• 22:24
  Yeah, and put it together and you know block off city streets. Yeah, but you don't do it legally
• 22:31
  No, you just get some cones from walmart. You did put in a lot of money recently sold your home. Yeah
• 22:36
  Uh to to fund this I think yeah, so then your wife was not happy about it
• 22:41
  But she understood eventually so now i'm living on the the marathon streets and just running up to people
• 22:48
  I'm trying to get him to sign up for this race
• 22:49
  Um, i've poured a lot of my heart blood sweat and tears into it now i've seen one of these races alan
• 22:55
  I don't know if you have obviously people aren't signing up for this. Nobody's gonna be like
• 22:59
  I'm gonna run 26.2 miles for a douchebag because the floor is littered littered with them
• 23:04
  So what you do is you block off streets and I saw that you released a pack of wolves
• 23:08
  Yeah, and people just started running so you kind of forced these people to to run the marathon
• 23:12
  Yeah, and to be frank, I didn't tell them that this was a marathon. Well, yeah for this guy
• 23:16
  I just told them, you know
• 23:18
  We're giving away free money and we're giving away other things that would draw them in just to show up to this place
• 23:24
  And once I got them all there let out a pack of rabid dogs. Yeah, that's cool. Um some
• 23:30
  Coyotes we got a couple hogs. Oh, yeah from the the wilderness to there come help us out. Yeah
• 23:38
  So those were good now you said earlier, uh
• 23:41
  Uh to be frank, did you change your identity so that none of this comes back to hurt you as evan?
• 23:47
  Yeah, so to be frank, I did all that. Yeah, okay, and then
• 23:52
  Whenever it was all over I came back to be evan. Yeah
• 23:55
  You're with us. You're to be evan. Yeah, yeah to be evan. That's true. Yeah
• 24:00
  You have to train to do a marathon
• 24:02
  You have to train 26.2 miles is a crazy distance
• 24:05
  The guy that originally ran the marathon fun fact died. He died
• 24:09
  How many people die how many people die usually on these runs? Sure
• 24:12
  Like are you cleaning up the streets as if it were a post-apocalyptic?
• 24:17
  I don't think it's happened. Uh large-scale since the one in boston. No
• 24:22
  They say they say they do say evan's
• 24:26
  Marathons are the bomb
• 24:28
  Oh, I did hold one in boston a couple years ago. Oh, yeah did not go well
• 24:34
  Showed up on the news people still talk about these things. They'll do
• 24:37
  Um, that was not my fault. Was it my marathon's fault? Maybe it was frank's fault. Basically did my marathon lead to it?
• 24:44
  Maybe but I did not have anything to do with that to answer your question. I don't clean anything up
• 24:50
  Once people start running answer my first question. How many people die on the run? I don't count it
• 24:54
  I basically let the animals out and then I kind of just go back inside. Yeah, it's not my problem anymore
• 25:00
  So once it once it starts you're done. Yeah, it's really not my problem
• 25:04
  Yeah, um, and if they stick to the route good for them
• 25:08
  You blocked it off. They have to yeah, there are walls and fences there. Yeah, it's like a it's like a mouse caught in a maze
• 25:14
  So it's really up to them if they want to live or not
• 25:18
  I don't don't see how it's my problem anymore
• 25:21
  You know you did it you did it to deescalate and make somebody feel important exactly and that's great
• 25:26
  And if a couple hundred people have to die, oh my god, so be it. Yeah
• 25:29
  Yeah, what's a couple hundred for one good fight the ends justify the one less, you know, you know that classic
• 25:36
  Philosophical question of the people on the train tracks
• 25:39
  Maybe there's five people on one train track of one person on the other and you're sitting at the lever
• 25:44
  And you have to choose which train track the train goes down evan chooses chooses the five
• 25:49
  He chooses the five every time he's like more for one
• 25:53
  Yeah in my mind there's five on this side and like maybe like a feather on this track
• 25:58
  And i'm like I gotta save the feather
• 26:01
  It's just you know, it's a tied up iguana. You're just like we're saving the iguana
• 26:06
  So it's an endangered species, you know, somebody's got to somebody's gotta look out for them. There's more plenty more humans
• 26:13
  Oh, man, that's good. But there you go. Those are some great tactics for conflict resolution
• 26:18
  So anybody wants to take allen's advice have a die have options have a gambling addiction. Yeah
• 26:23
  I mean leave life up the chance
• 26:29
  And if you're like evan make a fake marathon in the name of the person that's pissing you off
• 26:34
  The ends justify the means if some people die
• 26:38
  That's what any sane person would do but there you go conflict resolution
• 26:42
  All right for our next hypothetical is well-traveled people like us three are we've seen the world many times over
• 26:49
  We have multiple citizenships in multiple countries. You know, we have green cards
• 26:55
  Visas where we've been around the world is what i'm trying to say how how do y'all handle plane rides?
• 27:01
  Because it it's normal to be afraid of flying. How do y'all handle plane rides like the trip flying on a plane?
• 27:06
  Do you want to go first on this one?
• 27:08
  Sure, but here's how I here's how I do it
• 27:09
  It's it's kind of a few different things first of all, I would say get blitzed get plaster drunk
• 27:14
  Who doesn't love sitting next to somebody in close quarters on a 18 hour plane ride to?
• 27:21
  Sydney, australia. I know I do and I I want to offer that benefit to the people around me
• 27:27
  I sit in the middle seat. I choose
• 27:29
  I choose the middle seat and I get blitzed. All right, I I I pull out I have keistered
• 27:36
  I have keistered multiple small bottles of hard liquor. Thanks
• 27:40
  Do you rip them out like in your seat? Yeah, I don't go to the bathroom
• 27:43
  I go to the bathroom with everything. I don't go to the bathroom
• 27:46
  I I pull I I pull out these small bottles of liquor like i'm smuggling contraband into a prison right there right between
• 27:52
  Maybe a family going to disney world and I that's how I get plastered. So I am sloppy, you know
• 27:57
  My shirt's unbuttoned. It doesn't it's not even a it's just a t-shirt. I don't
• 28:02
  It's unbuttoned though, you know, i'm missing a shoe
• 28:08
  So i'm slurring my words, you know leaning over talking really close to
• 28:12
  The two people on the side of me with my liquor breath. I'm like, where are y'all going?
• 28:20
  This is your first plane ride
• 28:22
  What movies they got?
• 28:25
  Can I have your other headphone? I love this movie
• 28:27
  Can you open that window? I need to he's like lean over in their lap to look out the window
• 28:31
  Trying to look down. Yeah, exactly. Y'all get it. Yeah, I understand y'all y'all y'all
• 28:36
  Y'all are written down this then it annoys me that you're now allowed to smoke in the
• 28:40
  The restrooms of the airplane if anything everybody needs to smoke everybody should take up smoking
• 28:45
  Everybody's take up smoking on the airplane bathroom
• 28:49
  Everybody should smoke but i'm not going to smoke cigarettes because I care about my health
• 28:53
  I'm going to light fires in the airplane bathroom would they have toilet paper in there?
• 28:58
  They give us pamphlets, you know the instructions on how to inflate the life vest, you know
• 29:03
  If the plane crashes i'm taking that I don't care about that
• 29:05
  Who cares lighten that on fire all of a sudden they see smoke seeping out of under the
• 29:10
  Sipping out of under the door
• 29:12
  The stewardess comes up sir, you know knocking on the door. Are you smoking in there?
• 29:17
  Then she opens the door. I'm like a caveman around a fire just looking up at her
• 29:21
  There's so much smoke in that plane. It looks it looks like a david blaine
• 29:25
  Show, yeah, it's really cool then so much smoke, but you know, I understand that's annoying to go to the uh emergency exit door
• 29:32
  We're 30 000 feet in there. That's not that high. I open I open the emergency exit that door flies off
• 29:38
  I I put my hand in the wall and I start saying go go go go like i'm a military jump instructor
• 29:45
  I'm just begging people to jump out of this plane everything things are getting sucked out people's hats are flying off their head out the
• 29:52
  Out the window the mask fall down. I'm yelling at him. Don't put that on
• 29:56
  Do you know you put on that mask and uh, and then I just kind of go sit back down in my seat?
• 30:01
  How many hours into the flight is all this happening? 18 hour trip is what you said earlier
• 30:06
  I I this all takes a matter of a few minutes
• 30:10
  So, I mean technically I could do it twice
• 30:14
  It's depending on the trip it could happen multiple times. Um, I think you're the reason that airplanes should have brigs like a boat
• 30:21
  Yeah, just they should just have some bars in the back
• 30:25
  Yeah, lock you lock you away get get all the flammable materials all the alcohol away from you. Does anybody jump? No
• 30:33
  Okay, unfortunately, nobody jumps. They don't really supply parachutes. Yeah, there's gonna be like a paratrooper d-day veteran there and all of a sudden
• 30:42
  He's gonna be like you got it serge
• 30:45
  Um
• 30:48
  Dolphin dies right out of the plane and jack zack just got the most shocked look on his face like I was not expecting that
• 30:56
  I salute him as he jumps out and goes there goes an american hero
• 31:00
  His little granddaughter sitting in the chair with her stupid mickey mouse ears crying
• 31:07
  Gosh the worst part is you got to ride the rest of that plane ride with the the door open
• 31:12
  And you think like riding in the car with a window down, you know, you get the popping sound
• 31:16
  Yeah, there's a difference in pressure there for sure. Yeah, that would be hellacious
• 31:21
  Yeah, do you try to open up one of the uh inflatable rafts inside the plane and like use it as a door?
• 31:27
  I don't use it as a door. I just I just open it so people are just kind of trapped under it in their seats
• 31:33
  That's intense, but I realize i've kind of escalated this i've almost killed somebody or probably have but really
• 31:39
  You there's a whole bunch of things you can start maybe on these eight-hour 18-hour flights people are sleeping
• 31:43
  They have the sleep mask on you. Maybe uh, maybe go up to him
• 31:48
  In another aisle another seat and you get really close and whisper in there and be like you got a gum
• 31:52
  They're just knocked out got a game on your phone
• 31:58
  You got the time
• 32:01
  How much longer is this thing so where you guys from
• 32:05
  Um
• 32:09
  I have multiple crying babies on this flight if they're not crying i'm pinching them
• 32:13
  All right. I'm just going up and down the aisle pinching babies. I thought you were saying you brought
• 32:19
  Maybe it's like where you're getting all these babies you put them in different seats and then you pinch them and leave
• 32:26
  They get on this flight. It looks like a disney movie with just a bunch of babies strapped into
• 32:30
  The airplane seats and then once you once they start crying for a little bit you start going like yelling at them to stop crying
• 32:37
  Like threatening the babies and then once they finally stop with a gun. Yeah. Yeah, once they finally stop, uh,
• 32:43
  Crying and you're like, oh crap. So you gotta start pinching them again. Yeah
• 32:47
  It's a constant wave of crying and silence at what age does a baby understand what a gun is?
• 32:52
  They're gonna understand a lot quicker with me around what use is that gun doing to a baby who has no comprehension of anything?
• 32:57
  Once I sent a nine millimeter slug over their heads. They learned quick. I'm popping off rounds in that airplane
• 33:03
  You heard me right. I gotta imagine either if there's not an air marshal. There's got to be a citizen's arrest at some point
• 33:09
  I have a gun and I have opened
• 33:12
  The emergency door i've set fires. I don't know how you got that on there
• 33:16
  Of course, but the gun. Yeah keister. Oh everything
• 33:20
  Everything is keyed and you don't have to go to the bathroom as you said earlier
• 33:24
  You you don't go to the bathroom to get this stuff out. You're doing it at your at your middle seat
• 33:29
  I stick I stick my both my feet up on the back of the seats in front of me and I just start
• 33:35
  It's like it's like you ever see a magician start pulling out those
• 33:39
  Hankies all tied together and just keeps going. Yeah, it's basically what it looks like for me sitting in that seat. Yeah
• 33:45
  It's not it's not your knees are in the people next to his face. Yeah. Yeah, you're like bumping elbows
• 33:50
  So their worries. Yeah, you look at them and you're like, it's easier after you have your first colonoscopy
• 33:58
  I didn't even get put under for this one
• 34:01
  But uh, yeah, I am on multiple no fly lists. Yeah, I can see it. Yeah, you know I somehow get on there though
• 34:08
  All right. So there's how I usually handle flights
• 34:12
  How do y'all how do y'all handle flights with y'all traveling? Well for me, I just I got a quick little advice for people nice
• 34:18
  Um when you're traveling through the air, the best thing to do is pack a bunch of bags
• 34:23
  Maybe like four carry-on bags take their security
• 34:26
  Yeah
• 34:27
  That way if you're forgetful like me or you're you kind of get a little absent-minded distracted sometimes and you set your bag down
• 34:35
  But you forget to pick it back up then you got three more bags of clothes. So you're never without a bag
• 34:39
  There you go. Yeah, and so yeah exactly
• 34:42
  And so what I do is most times especially if I have a long layover and i'm moving around a lot
• 34:47
  I'll forget pretty much i'll leave all my bags unattended basically
• 34:51
  Because I forget that they're there and then i'll walk off
• 34:54
  So i'll leave a bag unattended over here by the chick-fil-a. Um, i'll leave a bag unattended over here by my gate
• 35:00
  Uh where i'm about to board my flight i'll leave a bag unattended by the convenience store just to spread out my bags
• 35:06
  Not that i'm doing it on purpose, but I kind of just leave one everywhere I go
• 35:10
  It's almost like if somebody were to follow the bag, it'd be like a little trail that leads to you
• 35:14
  Yeah, kind of kind of yeah, and this does garner a lot of suspicion towards me
• 35:19
  Yeah, yeah, just somebody kind of dropping bags off at seemingly selective points
• 35:23
  Yeah, and then they kind of like come over the intercom and they're like
• 35:27
  Make sure if anybody's you know, don't leave your bags unattended and if you see any suspicious bags then phone it in
• 35:37
  The person over the intercom sounded very confident. Yeah
• 35:40
  Yeah, yeah they first day it was his first day first day
• 35:46
  A lot of your bags weirdly are leaking oil. Yeah, what is that about? That kind of freaks out airports, too
• 35:51
  Yeah, if you leave a bag kind of leaking oil and whatnot. Well, i've had a lot of issues with my car lately
• 35:57
  Yeah, so whenever i'm traveling or just whenever i'm existing in normal life. Yeah, because
• 36:02
  Because your work's 10 minutes away. You just fly car travel you fly. Okay. Yeah. Well, it's really just out and back in
• 36:10
  The plane just taxis to your work
• 36:15
  I didn't even go anywhere. I just kind of like walk in take a flight off the tarmac and right back on
• 36:20
  Yeah, it's kind of like a loop trip. Yeah, and then I just walked through it. Yeah. Yeah my car
• 36:26
  It's been leaking oil a lot. I've been having a lot of problems. So I just keep oil on me at all times
• 36:30
  Um, even if i'm going on vacation. Yeah, just in case you never know when you need oil. You never know when you're in crude oil
• 36:38
  Yeah, it's not refined. It's not engine oil
• 36:43
  It's now I guess we know why his car engine is
• 36:46
  Shot well you've mentioned before evan how you're really into the uh oil industry there was an episode
• 36:52
  Uh, uh faithful listeners will remember a few episodes back. Evan was very interested in uh working in the oil field
• 36:58
  Yeah, that's where he's taking dates. That's right. Yeah. Yeah, so you have bags just filled with oil
• 37:02
  Gotta do what you gotta do like liquid gold. Yeah
• 37:06
  Like to keep it strapped in case I need to pay for anything for sure for sure you pay people with oil
• 37:10
  Yeah crude crude oil you walk around like an oil tycoon and a big cowboy hat. Yeah
• 37:15
  Yeah, but it's old texas accent. Yeah, I really do like oh like old doug dimadome from fairly odd
• 37:29
  Now I've also walked past your bags
• 37:32
  And I guess you are you carrying a lot of clocks because I listened to one of the bag a lot of ticking going on in it
• 37:37
  It's also scared. Uh airport security. Yeah. No, I keep a lot of metronomes in my um
• 37:42
  Um in my bags just because I like to be on beat, you know, yeah
• 37:46
  I like to feel the rhythm of the beat. Yeah, so I I like to hear the tickets
• 37:51
  You you do walk around like a robot. Yeah
• 37:55
  Walking around I got a little jive to me and a little bit of like, you know, but there's so
• 38:00
  In there, how do you choose what the metronome to listen to?
• 38:04
  I I just I whichever one I feel in the moment. Yeah, it's like I I focus in on one and i'm like that's it
• 38:10
  You're autistic, aren't you? Yeah?
• 38:13
  What's your favorite time signature, huh? What's your favorite time signature three?
• 38:19
  I don't well, that's at least half of the time. Just three four. We'll say three four of those favorite times
• 38:23
  It's kind of a waltz signature there. I'd gotta say my favorite signature would be probably michael jordan's
• 38:30
  Um, yeah, it's got a nice flow to it. Yeah
• 38:34
  Worth a lot of money. Yeah, thanks for asking. Yeah. Yeah, not a problem. Not a problem. Zach
• 38:38
  What about you favorite signature? Uh, john hankock classic class, you know, everybody says let me get that john hankock
• 38:44
  You know when they want your signature, so i'm gonna go with that. Um, that's interesting
• 38:48
  How your your budget for clothing which now we've found out that it's just not clothing in those
• 38:54
  Or is there clothing in there too? There's clothing. Okay, your clothing budget must be massive
• 38:59
  Because now you're buying more clothes and losing clothes. Yeah, I mean it's mainly uh wife beaters
• 39:04
  Um white hanes t-shirts. Yeah. Yeah, and cheap stuff. I get it. Yeah, like some walmart gym shorts
• 39:11
  Okay. Yeah, so big but not as big as it could be. Yeah
• 39:15
  You're a baller on a budget. Yeah, I know what i'm about
• 39:19
  He doesn't spend a lot of money on some clothes. He just buys a lot of those cheap clothes
• 39:23
  That's why that's why the budget's so huge. I buy my clothes at sam's
• 39:27
  Buying in bulk now this question was what do you do when you fly?
• 39:30
  You've only talked about what you do in airports. Is there anything interesting that you do when you fly?
• 39:35
  Is it just kind of a normal flight pretty normal because it is vomit 13 times you what?
• 39:41
  I vomit 13 times. I just said vomit
• 39:46
  You vomit 13 times I think based on the abandoned bags and the ticking sounds I think you immediately thought
• 39:53
  Yeah, it was easy to draw that conclusion. You heard what you I drew the same conclusion
• 39:58
  Yeah, you heard what you wanted to hear
• 40:00
  that's not what I was saying when they saw evan walk down the walk down the airport in that hijab like they
• 40:07
  They they jumped to that assumption very quickly. Yeah, they were very confused. Yeah
• 40:12
  So you throw up a lot on planes because that because you're sticking your finger down your throat
• 40:17
  Yeah, well i'm on a weight certain weight loss program
• 40:19
  Yeah, that makes sense and believe me is a great I heard is a great weight loss method
• 40:23
  it requires that I take plane trips and
• 40:26
  And continuously vomit on oh the plane trips are a part of it. You can't throw up without being on a plane
• 40:31
  No, it's the altitude that does it for me. It's pressure difference. Yeah
• 40:35
  Do you also have a bag that you throw up into and you just it's just a bag full of vomit
• 40:40
  That you just kind of leave somewhere. Yeah, where do you throw up normally? Is there just kind of in the floor?
• 40:43
  Is what i'm actually really a lot of time it's in the floor
• 40:47
  Or I ask the person next to me for their bag and then I vomit
• 40:50
  Vomit gotcha. Yeah women like I usually carry their purse on the plane stuff
• 40:55
  No shortage of that and I just wouldn't want to get my bag dirty. Yeah, that makes sense
• 40:58
  You know there are bags on airplanes specifically for throwing up. Yeah, those are a little dirty
• 41:05
  Yeah, you're you're a pretty clean person. Yeah, I mean weird. Yeah, I just don't want to mix any vomit with the crude oil in my bag
• 41:15
  Because every time I buy crude oil i'm like what's the percentage of vomit in this
• 41:19
  Yeah, I go ahead and try to find the ratio. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's good
• 41:23
  It's good to know that for resale value when you're when you're advertising
• 41:25
  I'm selling this crude oil and not to make this a business podcast
• 41:28
  But when you're advertising selling that crude oil, we need to know the percentage of vomit in there
• 41:32
  What's the what's the percentage because just like any kind of food they you know
• 41:36
  They give a percentage of the possibility that there are bugs in it
• 41:38
  I want the possibility I realize there's gonna be vomit in every oil was this crude oil manufactured in a vomit factory
• 41:44
  Oh see that you have to use there
• 41:46
  Is there a possibility that there could be some some crossover? Yeah, and I gotta say the vbv on my
• 41:53
  the vomit volume on my
• 41:57
  Crude oil it's in the 0.1 percent. Oh, that's great. I keep them very separate
• 42:02
  Yeah, although they are in the same confined space for a short period of time on each of these planes
• 42:08
  I wouldn't tell anybody but yeah, that's not in
• 42:10
  In the crude oil itself so it does not affect its vbv. Yeah, that's hard to say
• 42:16
  Yeah, it's a tongue twister. Hey, what does bbb send for?
• 42:20
  I thought at first that you said bbb and you were talking about the better business bureau
• 42:25
  What is it?
• 42:26
  Vbv is vomit via volume. Well now Alan is great at giving us acronyms
• 42:31
  Other than vomit by volume. What is vbb sent for for you? So it's v
• 42:42
  V so I'm gonna say it is um vectorless
• 42:47
  blood work vapors
• 42:51
  It doesn't make sense but only some letters it doesn't make sense but to be honest with you I am
• 42:56
  I was focusing
• 42:57
  So hard on spelling things correctly. You were saying your abc's
• 43:03
  After the clut incident he's
• 43:05
  Clut well, you would have thought that clut was going to be the end of it
• 43:08
  But it wasn't whatever I tried to spell last week ptsd. Yeah
• 43:13
  Lightning strikes twice with you for sure. Wow. Yeah clut should have been your wake up call
• 43:19
  To really learn how to spell it is. I've uh, i've got hooked on phonics. Um, i'm trying to try and hopefully that'll work
• 43:24
  Yeah, well, hey listen, you're one for two now. So well on the path to recovery
• 43:31
  Gotta start somewhere
• 43:33
  But uh, all right alan plane ride. How are you handling? How do you handle traveling on planes? Not well
• 43:39
  Yeah, to start off. I I don't do well
• 43:42
  Sitting in a seat next to other people. Um, I think it just it just makes me uncomfortable
• 43:47
  I don't know who I could be sitting next. I could be sitting next to one of you lunatics
• 43:51
  Uh, you know throwing up, you know, it's
• 43:55
  Eben vomiting and zack pooping out airplane bottles and then drinking them like
• 44:01
  That that makes me incredibly incredibly nervous. You're you're not in the minority when you say that
• 44:06
  Okay, well there's a majority of people also. Well, i'm sure i'm not in the minority when I say what i'm about to say
• 44:12
  I'm sure this is about to say. Yeah. Yeah, i'm sure everybody's gonna relate to this. This is gonna be very relatable
• 44:17
  Uh, just an everyman thing. Um because sitting in a seat makes me so uncomfortable
• 44:21
  I like to go in as a carry-on you you like to go on as a as in you're the bag. Yes
• 44:27
  Right. Okay, so whoever i'm whoever i'm traveling with no, I don't fit into a bag
• 44:31
  I just am a bag
• 44:32
  What I do is I lay on my back and then I stick my legs up in there my hands up in there and I put
• 44:36
  Them all together like it's a handle for a bag
• 44:39
  And then whoever i'm traveling with has to carry me. There you go. I like that. Do they stick things in you?
• 44:43
  You knew this question was coming. There's no way is like carry the bag is used for one one thing
• 44:49
  It's just to carry things. Yeah. Yeah, so what I do is you're not that much different from what I do
• 44:57
  You know what it just depends on the size what do you what what are you looking to bring on the plane?
• 45:02
  I've already told you a gun and some little bottles of liquor. Okay. Um, I can do that. I'm already doing that. I don't need you
• 45:08
  I already have mine down. You're I can carry the I can carry the liquor
• 45:14
  The problem is I can't do it in a bottle. So I just hold it in my mouth
• 45:18
  Like the loose liquor. Yeah, just like swishing around sloshing like like a listerine. Yeah
• 45:26
  Your face is perpetually in that
• 45:28
  Like he sucked on a lemon. Yes. Yep
• 45:31
  now
• 45:32
  Do they shove you like under the seat or do you get to go up into the top?
• 45:35
  I prefer to go sit up in the top away from everybody else. Yeah, you might you whoever who takes you on the plane
• 45:41
  Is this your job? What I do is I always I always travel with someone. Okay, a trusted friend
• 45:49
  Neither one of you obviously. Oh, yeah, you haven't asked us have gotten that call. I know I never want to go on
• 45:56
  Playing with this guy. You have to yeah, I mean you'll have to drag my my body through security
• 46:01
  You know, you don't have wheels on you like a lot of bags will i'm a human being. I don't have wheels. Oh my fault
• 46:08
  Come on
• 46:10
  Join us in reality
• 46:13
  The drags dead weight around
• 46:15
  Yeah, unless you can just pick me up. I mean I i've i've made my legs and arms into a handle
• 46:21
  I don't know what else you want
• 46:23
  He's done his job
• 46:26
  But I want to be stuffed up in that overhead compartment and you know once i'm in there
• 46:30
  I'm i'm good to to get out of bag form. Um, relax a little bit. Yeah, and then I get to
• 46:36
  rummage around in other people's bags
• 46:39
  Like a little raccoon like a little like a little raccoon looking above their head while they're flying just hearing ruffling is going on
• 46:49
  Is there a squirrel in the vents?
• 46:51
  I stand up and open that overhead bin
• 46:54
  It's just you like why eyes wide open like they caught a raccoon in the trash can
• 46:58
  It's got a twinkie in my mouth or something because you're the normal size of a human being
• 47:04
  I imagine the person on the plane is that annoying person that sits in the aisle
• 47:09
  Taking too long to put their bag in the overhead bin
• 47:11
  And it's kind of blocking everybody from sitting down you kind of cause that for the person you're traveling with don't you?
• 47:16
  No, actually what I when i'm already up there i'm a helping hand
• 47:20
  Okay, you get up there yourself if they if they open yeah
• 47:22
  Yeah, where does the line of you being a bag and just a person riding in the overhead?
• 47:26
  He's an able-bodied human he can get in the top by himself. Come on, zag
• 47:31
  How do how do they?
• 47:33
  How do you convince what I say that you're a bag as you go through security?
• 47:37
  What I do is when nobody's looking I can be a human again. Okay, so like a weird disney movie
• 47:42
  The person i'm traveling with is like everybody turn around don't look at my bag
• 47:47
  And then that makes people very relaxed. Yeah. Yeah
• 47:53
  Yeah, yeah, it definitely makes him feel something
• 47:55
  Um, and then once you're up there, you're just taking bags like yeah dormant. That's right. Hello. Let me help you there
• 48:03
  And you like get out your phone with the little tip would you like to leave a tip
• 48:08
  So you you just don't want people to look at you as you transform from bag person to person person
• 48:14
  But once once you transition you're good. You're just you're fine. I don't want them to see me go through that
• 48:18
  I'm very uncomfortable with the transformation that my body is doing uncomfortable with my body in general, but
• 48:27
  specifically when it transforms
• 48:31
  I imagine people are like where did that person come from?
• 48:33
  They're very confused. It all sudden person appeared because at first you just look like a louis vuitton
• 48:39
  Carry-on bag. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. I had to be incredibly still going through that x-ray machine
• 48:45
  Yeah, I forgot about the x-ray machine. Yeah, it's this person's like are you just carrying a bag of bones?
• 48:52
  In perfect anatomical order
• 48:54
  All 206 of them all 206 of them right there. I
• 48:58
  Don't think they've ever specifically said you can't carry bones on that is true. It's not on the list
• 49:03
  Can't carry small bottles of water. No, there are certain
• 49:07
  Ounce you can't do that, but no shampoo that's improperly bottled think that uh,
• 49:11
  The amount of blood in his body would be more than the legal limit though. There is there a legal limit for blood
• 49:16
  It's any liquid how much bloods too much blood. Oh, I see. Oh, okay. I see what you're saying
• 49:22
  He's saying that you can't carry so much liquid on the plane, but you have way more of that in your body
• 49:27
  So does the person carrying on the plane have to drain you of blood to get that six ounce limit?
• 49:45
  You're just looking white
• 49:47
  The TSA agent or the person with you has to drain it and then the TSA agent's like
• 50:00
  Do you just want to throw this out or do you want to finish it?
• 50:03
  You better you gotta drink it. You gotta drink it throw it away before you go through the gate
• 50:07
  You gotta drink it throw it away. We stop by life blood
• 50:11
  And we just give
• 50:13
  It until I hit my limit you walk in there and just take it all out
• 50:19
  The reason why they could pick me up so easy is because my body is limp
• 50:24
  There's no blood in you you're so white
• 50:29
  Your heart rate is at like two
• 50:33
  There's just not enough blood to pump. Oh my gosh your blood pressure is like 10 over nine
• 50:39
  It's so low
• 50:41
  Oh gosh
• 50:44
  Oh, man
• 50:45
  At that point it just looks like somebody's carrying around a dead body onto a plane
• 50:56
  Oh man, but all you do is carry liquid liquor in your mouth. That's
• 51:00
  That's your only benefit to these people it could be orange juice. Okay, so unnecessary
• 51:13
  Is your sales pitch basically have you ever carried wanted to carry about five fluid ounces of liquor on a plane
• 51:19
  Drain me of blood carry me drag me around the airport fill me up
• 51:24
  That's oh do you lose it's actually did you lose your water bottle?
• 51:28
  Oh
• 51:31
  You need somebody to be your human water bottle
• 51:34
  Don't come with wheels. That was a gross and disgusting answer. Thank you
• 51:40
  Oh my gosh, oh man
• 51:43
  But uh, there you go
• 51:45
  You ever see us on a plane just say hello
• 51:48
  That's high or just get another flight. I don't think you want to be on this one fly frontier
• 51:54
  I'm calling a bomb threat. Don't get on that plane change your flight
• 52:00
  You know what's good for you. All right
• 52:02
  So as evan said earlier, he has sold his house for
• 52:06
  Marathon purposes, so we need to do some ads so we can get evan some money
• 52:12
  Want to break from the ads? No
• 52:20
  This episode is brought to you by curl up and die
• 52:22
  Did you just have a family member that passed away? Are they kind of looking boring in their coffin all straight?
• 52:31
  And stiff they look like a military member at attention here at curl up and die
• 52:36
  We'll put your dead family member in all kinds of wacky positions to make their open casket look interesting
• 52:44
  Have you ever seen a body in the downward dog position?
• 52:48
  Have you ever seen them in the fighting crane karate position? Well here at curl up and die
• 52:53
  We'll put your dead person in any position you want so their open casket is fun
• 53:00
  Never have a boring open casket again curl up and die
• 53:04
  Do you like to work out but you also have a gambling addiction?
• 53:09
  Well, we have a place for you and that's curl up and die
• 53:12
  Here at curl up and die we go through a set of exercises where it's mainly focused on
• 53:17
  Curls mainly focused on your biceps, but then later we'll shoot some dye
• 53:24
  You know shoot some dye surround maybe throw a couple bucks on it
• 53:27
  And uh see where the night takes us so come down to curl up and die to lose a bunch of money and get your biceps looking
• 53:34
  Real good. Are you just over it? Are you done with this world? Has it got you down?
• 53:41
  Are you are you just sick of the people and and everybody in this world come to curl up and die
• 53:46
  We provide you with just a nice rug sitting right in front of a fireplace curl yourself up there like a dog
• 53:53
  It's just coming from outside curl up by that fireplace and just let yourself go
• 54:00
  Just just get out of here
• 54:03
  You're you're done with this place. This place has nothing for you anymore
• 54:06
  You've given it all you've got and all it does is take take take come to curl up and die
• 54:11
  This episode is also brought to you by soul baits is your fishing trips too boring
• 54:19
  Do you need a black pastor saying and some good old gospel music behind you as you cast that line
• 54:25
  Come on down to soul baits
• 54:27
  Well, we offer a wide variety of soulful pastors and soulful gospel singers that will light up your fishing trip anything from amazing
• 54:36
  Grace and hallelujah. Thank you lord. These people will be having you praising the lord as you cast and catch that world record bass
• 54:44
  So soul baits this episode is also brought to you in part by soul gates
• 54:50
  Do you have two gates in front of your home?
• 54:53
  But you don't need one of them here at soul gates
• 54:55
  We take a big old truck and we just ram straight through one of those gates
• 54:59
  We get rid of it for you. All you need is one gates two is two is honestly pretentious
• 55:05
  You don't want your neighbors thinking that you're some uppity
• 55:10
  Yuppie get rid of one of those gates be a one gate man be a common man call soul gates
• 55:16
  This episode is also brought to you by the daily bruise
• 55:19
  Do you wake up in the morning and see yourself on the mirror and go?
• 55:22
  I don't look like i've been through enough domestic violence
• 55:26
  Well lucky for you here at the daily bruise
• 55:30
  We'll send a man
• 55:32
  with a
• 55:33
  Baseball bat to come and just start beating you in your sleep just wailing on every part of your body
• 55:41
  He has a wide variety of tools from bats to cane rods to just brass knuckles
• 55:48
  What happens after you're beaten at night? You'll wake up and you'll look like a nascar fan's wife
• 55:55
  Come on down
• 55:57
  Come on down come on down to the daily bruise
• 56:00
  Never wake up looking normal again
• 56:04
  You wake up with vomit and piss all over you
• 56:08
  Do you wake up with vomit and piss just all over you just soaked in the bed and
• 56:14
  You don't know where it came from who did that?
• 56:17
  Because you you feel your bladder it still feels pretty full
• 56:21
  I don't know. Where did that come from? It doesn't matter
• 56:23
  Either hear it clean me up. Just give us a call and we'll come in and hand clean you with a sponge
• 56:31
  and flip you over get on all your cracks and crevices and
• 56:35
  really just mop up that
• 56:38
  it and
• 56:40
  Grudge that's all over you and just clean you right up. We'll get all up in there and you'll feel all the
• 56:47
  moistness from our sponge
• 56:49
  And get it into your pores and
• 56:57
  Clean me up
• 56:59
  That is the business
• 57:02
  Give us a call. This program is also brought to you in part by
• 57:06
  Lean me up. Are you somebody that struggles with vertigo?
• 57:09
  Are you always falling down?
• 57:11
  Tripping all over yourself. You need something to stabilize you here at lean me up scotty
• 57:17
  We sent a guy out there named scott to walk alongside you scotty will grab you by the waist
• 57:23
  Scotty will walk with you step in step. He will make sure that you do not lean
• 57:28
  You don't fall over not one bit you stand tall
• 57:32
  Like the lady liberty scotty will walk with you. He will lay you down
• 57:37
  Not in a weird way. He just he
• 57:40
  He'll do it in a way that you're not falling down. It's it's purposeful what he's doing. It's not weird
• 57:45
  It's not weird
• 57:47
  Scotty's a good guy. So we think anyways
• 57:52
  Call lean me up scotty. This episode is also brought to you by spleen me up scotty. You feel like you're missing an organ
• 57:59
  Some part of your body wherever that is
• 58:01
  Well, we have a trained doctor named scotty who will come and insert a spleen into you
• 58:06
  If you feel like you're missing one, even if you're not he'll just put it in there. So get your spleen today
• 58:12
  We they have a promotion going on right now for buy two get one free
• 58:17
  So go ahead and get your three spleens today
• 58:20
  Call in this episode is brought to you by through shell or high water. Do you live far away from a beach?
• 58:27
  Do you want that coastal town feel right into your house come into through shell or high water?
• 58:34
  And we'll bring tons of sand with dump trucks
• 58:38
  Tons of water with fire trucks. We will dump all that sand into your house
• 58:44
  We will spray all that water into your house and somehow it'll feel like a beach that I we gave you all the ingredients to a beach
• 58:51
  I don't what else do you do? We'll release birds into your house. We'll beach bum comes
• 58:57
  Free we'll just release an old homeless man in there. He'll sleep right on the sand in your house
• 59:02
  He'll have a beach ball. He'll annoy you every morning. He'll want to throw the beach ball with you
• 59:06
  Every morning he'll ask you want to catch you want to catch the the waves
• 59:11
  He'll just kind of jump and plop right into your weird wet carpet. Now. It's all wet through shell or high water
• 59:19
  Programs also brought to you in part by bail or high water
• 59:22
  Did you call shell or high water and they completely ruin your home and you just want to get out of there
• 59:27
  Call bail or high water. We will come and bail you out of there. We will send a
• 59:31
  Swat team to raid your home. We will we will attack that homeless man that lives on the beach. That is your living room
• 59:38
  We will rescue you. We will get you out of that house and get you into a new place
• 59:42
  It won't be a good place. It'll be a you'll probably government housing
• 59:48
  But hey, you're not in that you're not in that crazy nasty beach house anymore call bail or high water
• 59:53
  We'll bail you out. Do you feel like you're always you have way too many options in life
• 59:57
  Well our company really takes the guessing out of life and distress and the worry about having to make a decision and we offer
• 1:00:03
  You two choices you want shell or you want high water and it's one of those two things
• 1:00:07
  So you choose here is shell or high water. We give you two options. Don't think about it too much or you'll get both
• 1:00:15
  Call us
• 1:00:18
  This episode is also brought to you by mail or high water. Are you swimming around? There's like too many women here
• 1:00:23
  Too many too many women folk how'd they get here? They can't drive. Well call mail or high water
• 1:00:28
  We'll just send a bunch of beefy dudes big old pecs
• 1:00:32
  big big old pecs
• 1:00:34
  Big old lats big old delts little cannonball right into the water next to you
• 1:00:39
  You'll be surrounded look like a water polo team swimming around you a bunch of sexy sharks
• 1:00:45
  Come on, come on call mail or high water get some get some dudes wet around you
• 1:00:50
  Oh my gosh
• 1:00:55
  Did you call mail or high water and you're just
• 1:00:58
  Sick of all the beefy men that that came you said where's that one old woman? Well here at gail or high water
• 1:01:06
  We send a 63 year young woman
• 1:01:11
  Named gail gail likes to knit gail has that grandmotherly affection. She always wants to give you a hug and bake you things
• 1:01:18
  Gail goes to bed at 7 30. So you're free to do whatever you want to after that
• 1:01:25
  Call gail or high water
• 1:01:27
  All right, boys. Any last any last comments for episode 19 19. We've uh, we've made it guys
• 1:01:33
  Yeah, we say that every time I say a new number. I think this is the end
• 1:01:38
  Every time we come up we're like this has got to be the last one
• 1:01:42
  What are what are the odds we show back up here next week?
• 1:01:44
  Yeah, well, all right evan give us one piece of wisdom just one short quick piece of wisdom for everybody
• 1:01:51
  If I had to tell everybody one thing that would be don't let your big toe
• 1:01:55
  And your second toe touch too much. You don't want to come across as gay
• 1:02:01
  You never want to let those toes touch how about you
• 1:02:04
  Alan any kind of last minute advice or wisdom for for the folk? I would say never leave home without an extra pair of socks
• 1:02:12
  Hmm, if you come across some water your current socks get wet
• 1:02:17
  You don't know you may have to replace them
• 1:02:18
  You may come into a situation where you've been you just got a lot of marbles and you may have to put them in
• 1:02:25
  Something but you gotta find a way to carry them. Yeah, you gotta find a way to carry them use use one of those socks
• 1:02:31
  That's good. If you need to beat somebody up
• 1:02:33
  Yeah, throw some bars. Let's open that those socks just hit people with them if you come in a situation where
• 1:02:38
  Where you need to be like a puppet? Yeah, use that use the sock that's not holding all the marbles
• 1:02:45
  Make it make it a sock puppet jim jim henson. He didn't corner the market on
• 1:02:51
  On puppets you can you can get in there
• 1:02:53
  Here. Oh good good piece of the wisdom boys, but um, that's it episode 19. You want to be done? Let's go