Latest / The Art of Love With Lucia / Episode 648: What Your Avoidant Ex Needs From You

Transcript

Episode 648: What Your Avoidant Ex Needs From You · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:01
  What does your avoidant ex need from you?
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  Whether you're trying to get them back or you've gotten them
• 0:07
  back, you need to know what they need so that you can either get
• 0:11
  them back or keep them once they're back and not have to go
• 0:15
  through yet another breakup. So stay tuned.
• 0:18
  Hi, this is Lucia with The Art of Love.
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  I'm a dating and relationship expert specializing in helping
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  you get your ex back or to get over your ex and welcome back my
• 0:27
  beautiful No Contact army. Hopefully you've downloaded my
• 0:30
  app Silencio and it's helping you stay in No contact.
• 0:33
  The link is underneath every single video and podcast and to
• 0:36
  join our no contact army, all you have to do is hit the
• 0:39
  subscribe button and the bell notification and you're in.
• 0:44
  And to read our manual, go to nocontactsecrets.com where you
• 0:48
  can read 2 free chapters before you purchase the book.
• 0:53
  So avoidance get a very bad rap and they're often confused with
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  narcissists. Which is why I did a video to
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  show you the differences between an actual narcissist and someone
• 1:06
  who has an avoidant attachment style.
• 1:08
  And I will of course place it the link in the upper right hand
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  corner on YouTube. And for those of you listening
• 1:15
  on a podcast, well, you're just going to have to hop on over to
• 1:17
  YouTube. So please stop calling anyone
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  who pulls away a narcissist without considering that they
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  may be an avoidant. Or maybe they're just not that
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  interested. And I've also seen comments
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  calling them evil and all kinds of names, And the people making
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  these comments are usually people with an anxious
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  attachment style who have been hurt and betrayed, and now
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  they're lashing out at all avoidance.
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  The person with the avoidant attachment ends up triggering
• 1:48
  the avoidant, the avoidant pulls away, and the anxious person
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  gets even more anxious and it becomes a vicious cycle.
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  So in order to get your avoidant back or to have a successful
• 2:00
  relationship with one, it will help to understand the avoidant
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  mindset. Avoidant attachment is a
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  survival adaptation. Most avoidance don't even know
• 2:12
  that they're avoidant, and in fact, I've seen several comments
• 2:15
  where the person wanted to get information on getting their
• 2:18
  avoidant X back, and then they realized, oops, they were
• 2:22
  actually the avoidant. And that's because they're not
• 2:28
  doing it on purpose. To them, it just feels like
• 2:30
  normal life. And that is because avoidance
• 2:33
  prioritized the skills that will help them to survive and
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  deprioritize emotional intimacy and connection.
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  They prioritize defense instead of openness.
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  So one thing you need to do with an avoidance, whether you're
• 2:49
  trying to get them back or you're actually dating one, is
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  to make them feel safe. And this means that once you're
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  past the initial chording stage, once that whole dance is over,
• 3:02
  you stay consistent with how you show your feelings.
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  Meaning, if you were affectionate in the beginning,
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  if you start to pull away and not be as affectionate, the
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  avoidance will be triggered. Avoidance struggle with
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  closeness and being open and vulnerable.
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  Since they inherently don't trust people, their thinking is
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  well, why should I be open and trusting with you if you're just
• 3:26
  going to turn around and use it against me and betray me?
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  So if they do start to open up and you start to be inconsistent
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  or to pull away, they're going to go back into their shell and
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  not trust you. Also something to keep in mind
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  is that for avoidance, their oxytocin is naturally low so
• 3:45
  they do not bond to other people easily.
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  As you may or may not know, oxytocin is a bonding hormone.
• 3:52
  So if you're dating a female avoidant, you want to make sure
• 3:56
  that she climaxes when you're being intimate because that is
• 4:01
  how oxytocin is released. Because if you're dating an
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  avoidant and she doesn't climax, she will not bond with you.
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  So if you were used to women being clingy after sex because
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  they didn't have an avoidant attachment style, you're going
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  to be very surprised when this woman does not behave like other
• 4:20
  women that you've been with in the past.
• 4:23
  And by the way, if you like what you're hearing and finding it
• 4:25
  helpful, please be sure to subscribe.
• 4:28
  It's free and that way you won't miss any future videos.
• 4:33
  OK, so if you have an anxious attachment style and you've
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  managed to hide it in the beginning and then it starts to
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  come out because you start to feel needy, you will once again
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  trigger an avoidance. And the best advice I can give
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  to you is to work towards becoming more secure.
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  Because otherwise a relationship with an avoidance is going to
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  drive you crazy and you think you're not doing anything wrong.
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  But avoidance are super sensitive to either someone's
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  interest level going down or someone being too needy.
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  And yes, I know avoidance also need to work on becoming more
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  secure, but you're the one listening to this trying to get
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  your ex back, not them. And I actually have a woman that
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  I can refer you to who only deals with people who have an
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  anxious attachment style. And several of my clients have
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  worked with her. So if you would like her
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  information, just send me an e-mail at my website
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  theartoflove.net. Also, avoidance.
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  Do not trust people. Not because people are bad, but
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  because they feel that people cannot control themselves and do
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  the right thing when circumstances call for it.
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  So if you're anxious and you start to freak out or show signs
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  of extreme anxiety, your avoidance is going to be
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  triggered and will want to get away from you because you're
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  proving their point that people can't be trusted.
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  This is why if you're in no contact, you have to stay in no
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  contact, even when you get triggered and feel like reaching
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  out. Contacting an avoidant when
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  you're panicked or scared is just going to push them further
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  away. That's the worst time to reach
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  out. And when you do have contact
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  with them after a breakup, you need to be calm.
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  That's what they need from you, and that will help them to be
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  able to trust you and for their interest level to go up.
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  Something else to keep in mind about avoidance is that they
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  don't trust people to be fair with them.
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  So start using the word fair whenever you're dealing with
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  them. I want this to be fair for you.
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  What do you think is fair? Etcetera.
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  So the top two things that they need from you is consistency and
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  fairness, and they don't expect either one from anyone.
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  So when you give it at first you're going to be surprised and
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  not trusted, but if you continue to be consistent and fair,
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  they'll start to warm up. There also needs to be clear and
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  direct communication. No hinting, no beating around
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  the Bush. Say what you mean, mean what you
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  say. You want to clear up any
• 7:12
  misunderstanding sooner rather than later.
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  For example, if you normally text back quickly and that day
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  you're not going to have self-service or you're going to
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  be super busy, let them know ahead of time.
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  Or if you have a project at work that you really need to focus on
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  and you're not going to be able to spend as much time with them
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  as you normally would. Again, communicate that.
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  Don't just pull away. Don't just disappear.
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  And this isn't important only with avoidance.
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  It's actually important with anyone of any attachment style.
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  I had a client who was going through some things and instead
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  of communicating with his partner, he didn't contact her
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  for weeks and weeks. So of course by the time he
• 7:51
  reached out, she was done with him.
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  And then of course he contacted me to try to get her back.
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  But it was not. We never got her back.
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  What can I say? So effective communication is
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  one of the most important things in a relationship if you want it
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  to be successful. And something else to keep in
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  mind is that whenever there's a conflict and avoid intends to
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  run away and do their best to solve the issue by themselves.
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  And then once it's solved in their mind, they come back.
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  They don't trust other people again to be fair and resolve the
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  conflict with them. That's why they do it alone.
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  Or they're just so used to doing things alone and figuring things
• 8:30
  out on their own that they feel more comfortable and safe doing
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  it that way. I've used the example of
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  avoidance being like feral cats in a previous video.
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  If you manage to get a feral cat to come inside, you need to
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  approach it cautiously and get it to trust you before it will
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  turn into a house cat That's purring and rolling over on its
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  back and letting you pet its belly.
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  Now, you may not want to pet your partner's belly, or maybe
• 8:58
  you do, but you definitely want your partner to trust you.
• 9:03
  It takes patience to be with an avoidant and to get them back.
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  Whether it's worth it or not. Well, that's up to you.
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  So now I want to hear from you. Since most avoidance are men,
• 9:14
  please comment below whether your avoidant is male or female.
• 9:17
  I want to do an informal survey and in the meantime, if you
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  would like my help to get your ex back, you can contact me at
• 9:24
  theartoflove.net and we will send you the rates.
• 9:27
  The direct link is below every single video and podcast.
• 9:31
  If you found this video helpful, please like, subscribe and
• 9:34
  share. If you're listening to this as a
• 9:36
  podcast, please rate and review. And finally, remember that love
• 9:39
  inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.