Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 126. What If Masculinity Wasn’t the Problem? Unlearn Unhealthy Beliefs about Men

Transcript

126. What If Masculinity Wasn’t the Problem? Unlearn Unhealthy Beliefs about Men · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

0:05
Speaker 1: Apodjay Production. Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashley
0:13
Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana.
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Speaker 2: This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to
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Speaker 2: be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.
0:20
Speaker 1: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.
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Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone
0:26
Speaker 1: else is too afraid to talk about.
0:28
Speaker 2: Get ready for your next level of self. Welcome back
0:31
Speaker 2: to another episode She Rises.
0:33
Speaker 1: We're happy to be here.
0:35
Speaker 2: We've got actually in Tiana in the ears this morning,
0:37
Speaker 2: and we want to talk about something that is a
0:39
Speaker 2: little bit controversial.
0:40
Speaker 1: I think, yeah, this a little bit edgy.
0:42
Speaker 2: I think yeah, we want to talk about the unhealthy
0:44
Speaker 2: beliefs about men that we are no longer buying into.
0:46
Speaker 1: We feel a lot of tiktoks and Tiana sometimes just
0:49
Speaker 1: pops the camera up and just asks me the most
0:51
Speaker 1: random question, and it was a really powerful question. I
0:54
Speaker 1: wanted to get nervous when she does this because I'm like,
0:55
Speaker 1: what are you going to come up with? But also
0:58
Speaker 1: we love deep conversations, we like deep questions, we like
1:00
Speaker 1: to go deeper with each other. And she said, what
1:04
Speaker 1: is a belief that you had around men that you
1:06
Speaker 1: don't have anymore. Yes, And I was like, oh, and
1:10
Speaker 1: got me thinking deeply that I think I grew up
1:12
Speaker 1: thinking that all men are the same. All men are
1:14
Speaker 1: going to treat me badly, All men are going to
1:16
Speaker 1: be raging alcoholics, all men are going to be aggressive.
1:19
Speaker 1: I can't trust men. I will never feel safe with men.
1:22
Speaker 1: They won't love me and protect me, Like I just
1:25
Speaker 1: thought it was this thing that was in movies, And
1:27
Speaker 1: I don't have that anymore because I've had so much
1:30
Speaker 1: beautiful evidence of healthy masculine men that have held me,
1:33
Speaker 1: that can be there for me, that can provide for me,
1:35
Speaker 1: that want to protect me, that want to be there
1:38
Speaker 1: for me. And we've just got into this deep conversation
1:41
Speaker 1: about how society and women can just bash on men
1:45
Speaker 1: so easily from just one experience and put them all
1:48
Speaker 1: into a box. But imagine if men did that to you.
1:50
Speaker 1: It's like they've been cheated on. And then they think, oh,
1:53
Speaker 1: all women.
1:53
Speaker 2: Are the same, they put you in that category, or no.
1:56
Speaker 1: We're not all the same. We're all different, and each
1:58
Speaker 1: person has a different upbringing, different triggers and traumas and
2:01
Speaker 1: values and integrity and all those things. We just cannot
2:04
Speaker 1: put agenda into a box and think they're all the same.
2:07
Speaker 2: Yeah, So that was my generalization. Hey, yeah, yeah, I
2:10
Speaker 2: love doing this and when we do that because it's
2:12
Speaker 2: on the spot.
2:12
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I like when we heard raw.
2:14
Speaker 2: Yeah, it is raw, and that's the most potent stuff
2:16
Speaker 2: comes in the most raw moments. I think that's beautiful.
2:19
Speaker 2: So yeah, I definitely had a belief that men only
2:21
Speaker 2: wanted me to have sex with me. Yeah, Like they
2:24
Speaker 2: only wanted me for what they could get from my body.
2:26
Speaker 2: And that was a really strong belief that I had
2:28
Speaker 2: just because of things that I've been through in the
2:30
Speaker 2: past where I created this narrative around men that once
2:33
Speaker 2: they got what they wanted, then they would leave. Oh
2:36
Speaker 2: discard you discard? Yeah. Yeah. So it was like, well,
2:38
Speaker 2: once they get their sexual needs met and they get
2:40
Speaker 2: to use my body for their pleasure, then they would leave,
2:43
Speaker 2: you know. But then that also was my work to do.
2:46
Speaker 1: Did you have evidence of that and doing that to you?
2:48
Speaker 2: I think it came from that relationship I had where
2:52
Speaker 2: we were only ever good if we were having.
2:53
Speaker 1: Sex, right, that's when you were most connected, We were.
2:56
Speaker 2: Most connected, and that was us having sex was like
2:58
Speaker 2: the glue to our relationship, but there was not really
3:00
Speaker 2: any other aspect of the relationship.
3:01
Speaker 1: So your sexual chemistry was just so strong.
3:03
Speaker 2: It was the glue like MAGNETI Yeah, it was the
3:05
Speaker 2: gluten relationship. We didn't have good communication. We were both
3:08
Speaker 2: so jealous, we were both triggering, we would both play
3:11
Speaker 2: games like. It wasn't a very healthy relationship. But the
3:14
Speaker 2: sexual chemistry was what kelpt us together. And so it
3:17
Speaker 2: was like, oh, well, everything is all good when we
3:19
Speaker 2: sleep together, but then what about every other time? Yeah,
3:21
Speaker 2: if that makes sense.
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Speaker 1: So if you had a big fight, you'd have sex
3:24
Speaker 1: and get all those and doorphins like Okay, we're okay,
3:26
Speaker 1: that's right until tomorrow when something else happened. Yeah, and
3:28
Speaker 1: then the cycle would just repair.
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Speaker 2: It and then we would sleep together again and we
3:31
Speaker 2: would be intimate, and then it would be all good
3:32
Speaker 2: again because we'd get on that high of that energy together.
3:35
Speaker 1: Was there any other men that you felt like they
3:38
Speaker 1: only used you for sex, because though you haven't had
3:41
Speaker 1: one night stands or anything like that, but was there
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Speaker 1: any other man that you're like, oh, there's more evidence
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Speaker 1: that they only want me for this.
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Speaker 2: There was a man I met him quite young, and
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Speaker 2: we were dating for like a couple of months, but
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Speaker 2: it was a lead up, so we were both in
3:51
Speaker 2: relationships prior to that. For about three years, we had
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Speaker 2: a friendship and then the moment that we ended up
3:56
Speaker 2: spending time together, we ended up being intimate like that weekend,
4:00
Speaker 2: and then after that he feeled out. It reinstilled the
4:03
Speaker 2: belief that I had. Yeah. Yeah, So in saying that,
4:05
Speaker 2: it's not a story that I have anymore, because that
4:08
Speaker 2: showed up in every relationship where I had to work
4:10
Speaker 2: through my trust issues with men to be like, oh,
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Speaker 2: I'm actually so much more valuable than just being quotations
4:16
Speaker 2: used for sex. It's not about that. It's so much
4:18
Speaker 2: more or so much deeper, you know. It's about connection
4:21
Speaker 2: and love and intimacy and all of those things. And
4:23
Speaker 2: then I changed my relationship with sex where it went
4:25
Speaker 2: from something that was like I'm an object to know
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Speaker 2: this is like the union almost Yes. Yeah.
4:31
Speaker 1: Do you think that came from you working on your
4:34
Speaker 1: self worth though, knowing that you're worthy and you you
4:36
Speaker 1: are more than just sex, like that was all within you?
4:39
Speaker 2: Yeah, I would say it's when I stopped leading with
4:42
Speaker 2: my sexual energy.
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Speaker 1: True, So I'm kind of inviting them in with that. Yes, right,
4:46
Speaker 1: So that makes sense.
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Speaker 2: Because I didn't know this, but unconsciously that's what I
4:49
Speaker 2: was doing. Yeah, Unconsciously I was leading with that energy
4:51
Speaker 2: because that's all that's what I got attention for. Yes,
4:54
Speaker 2: And then I was like, oh, I got reinforced that
4:56
Speaker 2: every time I showed up in a sexual way, it
4:58
Speaker 2: worked and I got their attention, and so I would
5:00
Speaker 2: lead with that and then I would wonder and get
5:02
Speaker 2: angry why they would objectify me. But it was me
5:04
Speaker 2: who was doing that. So when I stopped leading with
5:06
Speaker 2: that and stopped looking for validation and healed my self
5:09
Speaker 2: worth and looked at that, I was like, oh wow,
5:11
Speaker 2: I'm actually there's so much more to me. There's intelligence
5:14
Speaker 2: and humor and nurturing and a beautiful side to me
5:17
Speaker 2: and then this really spicy side to me. There was
5:19
Speaker 2: so much more to me, and I started to see
5:21
Speaker 2: myself as more valuable for the other parts of who
5:23
Speaker 2: I was, and more so my personality as opposed to
5:26
Speaker 2: my physical appearance or what I could provide.
5:30
Speaker 1: Yeah, does it ever still pop up now when you
5:32
Speaker 1: date or you meet a man and you're like, oh, like,
5:34
Speaker 1: does that story creep back in.
5:35
Speaker 2: I mean it definitely did come up with somebody that
5:37
Speaker 2: I recently dated. Yeah, him and I ended up having
5:39
Speaker 2: a fight because I said that all he wanted was sex. Yes,
5:43
Speaker 2: because he every time I didn't give him sex, we'd
5:46
Speaker 2: have a fight. He would get really upset and all
5:47
Speaker 2: the things. And it's not because I believe that belief
5:49
Speaker 2: to be true still, it was just his behavior was
5:52
Speaker 2: really making me think and feel that.
5:54
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, because he made me feel bad for
5:56
Speaker 1: not giving what he wanted.
5:57
Speaker 2: It was the biggest deal. Yeah, he would have a fight,
5:59
Speaker 2: he would throw a tantrum, it would be a hissy fit,
6:01
Speaker 2: and it was just made me feel really unsafe. I
6:03
Speaker 2: was like, this isn't about me, this is about you.
6:05
Speaker 1: Yes, So you could see the difference.
6:07
Speaker 2: So, yeah, it is. It's tough, you know, because it's
6:09
Speaker 2: when we lump men into one category because of one
6:12
Speaker 2: bad experience we have, it's super damaging for like the
6:14
Speaker 2: rest of men.
6:15
Speaker 1: A hundred plans. Something you brought up recently too, was
6:18
Speaker 1: the new Sabrina Carpenter song. You talk about that because
6:21
Speaker 1: I'd listened to the words and we've seen everyone do
6:23
Speaker 1: the trends like is it slow and like putting down men.
6:26
Speaker 1: But I didn't realize what that song was about until
6:29
Speaker 1: you explained it, and I was like, this is really toxic,
6:31
Speaker 1: and just to be more mindful of what trends you
6:33
Speaker 1: jump on, because they can be really toxic, and you
6:36
Speaker 1: have to put in reverse of how do you feel
6:37
Speaker 1: if men were doing trends about women and putting you
6:39
Speaker 1: into a box like women are doing to men with
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Speaker 1: this song, yes, called Manchild.
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Speaker 2: It's called Manchild by Sabrina Carpenter. And the first time
6:46
Speaker 2: I heard it come out and I started watching women
6:48
Speaker 2: make trends and miming the words. Immediately I had a
6:51
Speaker 2: full body response to it, and I was like, this
6:53
Speaker 2: is so petty, so toxic. It's so petty and it
6:56
Speaker 2: makes me feel sad. And I think what came up
6:58
Speaker 2: for me was like, I actually don't resonate with this. No,
7:00
Speaker 2: Like I don't resonate with speaking to men like that, because,
7:03
Speaker 2: for one, I would never speak to a like that.
7:05
Speaker 2: I wouldn't speak to myself like that. And to then
7:08
Speaker 2: get your brother, dah god, I could never you know.
7:12
Speaker 2: So yeah, when I heard that, I was just like, oh,
7:14
Speaker 2: I can't listen to the song and it's turned me
7:16
Speaker 2: off it since.
7:17
Speaker 1: And it's done. It the tone and their facial expressions,
7:20
Speaker 1: like when she says is it slow, they're like rolling
7:23
Speaker 1: their eyes and like it just is not nice to
7:25
Speaker 1: put men into that box and to put them down,
7:28
Speaker 1: but it is.
7:28
Speaker 2: It's like it's almost like condescending in a way, as
7:30
Speaker 2: if like you're useless.
7:32
Speaker 1: You're useless, you're a man child, you're slow, you're dumb.
7:34
Speaker 2: Like and don't get me wrong, like I've said this
7:36
Speaker 2: to you before, Like I know that there are a
7:37
Speaker 2: lot of things that women cop when it comes to music.
7:39
Speaker 2: Its hoes and thoughts. Yeah, like all this like really
7:42
Speaker 2: derogatory language, But do you really want to be a
7:45
Speaker 2: part of that. You know, it might be like a
7:47
Speaker 2: really light, humorous joke when you're minding it on TikTok,
7:50
Speaker 2: but people will associate you with believing those things. And
7:53
Speaker 2: to me, when I hear that, I'm like, that's not
7:55
Speaker 2: something that I want to teach my subconscious mind to
7:57
Speaker 2: think about men, you know, especially when you've tried and
8:00
Speaker 2: actively trying to get away from unhealthy beliefs about men
8:04
Speaker 2: and then you listen to songs like that, you're just
8:06
Speaker 2: re instilling that belief you know, and it's like, could
8:09
Speaker 2: you imagine if your partner or your future husband or
8:12
Speaker 2: future whoever was listening to songs like that about you
8:16
Speaker 2: or about women, it would be like, get away from me.
8:19
Speaker 2: I never want my future whoever to be thinking those
8:22
Speaker 2: things about me, let alone you doing that to them. Yeah,
8:25
Speaker 2: I just think it's really toxic.
8:26
Speaker 1: It is, And we love men. Men are so beautiful.
8:29
Speaker 1: They lead the way, they hold the space, They keep
8:32
Speaker 1: us grounded, they're stable, they're incredible. I could not live
8:36
Speaker 1: without safe masculine, you know. And when we don't have
8:39
Speaker 1: safe masculine in our life, then we operate from our masculine,
8:43
Speaker 1: which steps us right out of our core energy. For
8:45
Speaker 1: most of the mother's generalization just speaking masculine and feminine,
8:48
Speaker 1: we step into our masculine and we feel like we
8:50
Speaker 1: have to hold everything and control everything, and we're not
8:53
Speaker 1: feminine and flowy, and that doesn't feel good for us,
8:56
Speaker 1: and it leads to burnout. It leads to exhaustion and resentment,
8:59
Speaker 1: and we then blame the men. But then we're allowing it.
9:02
Speaker 1: Because we're not allowing them to lead and be in
9:04
Speaker 1: their healthy masculine, you're putting them down and you're putting
9:06
Speaker 1: them into a box and it starts with us too.
9:08
Speaker 2: And imagine how much that would make men feel shameful. Yeah,
9:10
Speaker 2: Like I actually think that about myself now. Yeah, you know,
9:13
Speaker 2: instead of inviting a man to step up to that
9:15
Speaker 2: role and step up to the plate to support you
9:18
Speaker 2: in that way, that it starts with you. And like
9:20
Speaker 2: how you go what you believe about men, how you
9:22
Speaker 2: see them, how you view them. And then if you
9:24
Speaker 2: know that there are some things that are off, like
9:26
Speaker 2: deep rooted beliefs, right, men are all the same, they
9:28
Speaker 2: only want me for one thing. Then on committal, disloyal,
9:31
Speaker 2: like all of these things. That's something that you get
9:33
Speaker 2: to look at with in you.
9:34
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's a choice. Yeah, and to day, do you
9:37
Speaker 1: want to truly believe that for the rest of your
9:38
Speaker 1: life if you actually take ten seconds to take a
9:40
Speaker 1: big breath and ask yourself if that's the truth? Every
9:43
Speaker 1: single man is a cheatah, is a lie, is disloyal.
9:47
Speaker 1: It's not the truth, like you know it's not. But yeah,
9:51
Speaker 1: it's a really interesting topic. It's sparked up a lot
9:53
Speaker 1: of conversation. It was such a great question.
9:55
Speaker 2: It is so good though, because I feel like, especially
9:57
Speaker 2: with what's being shared on social media A lot of
10:00
Speaker 2: dating advice. Yeah, just anything to do with the opposite sex.
10:03
Speaker 2: I feel like comes from a wounded place. Yeah, you know,
10:06
Speaker 2: because everyone's obviously sharing their experience, and with that comes
10:09
Speaker 2: a little bit of ego. If they've been hurt, they're
10:11
Speaker 2: just going to say one thing and post a video
10:13
Speaker 2: about it and then be like, oh, this is the
10:15
Speaker 2: right way based on their own personal experience. But all
10:18
Speaker 2: it has to take is like them to have had
10:20
Speaker 2: one bad experience with a man to be like, don't
10:22
Speaker 2: do this. He doesn't have good intentions with you. He
10:24
Speaker 2: wants to use you. You know, you just got to
10:25
Speaker 2: be a black cat, be nonchalant, don't care about you know,
10:28
Speaker 2: actually caring about that person. I just don't think it's
10:31
Speaker 2: a healthy way of being in a healthy way of
10:33
Speaker 2: thinking of men in general, because whether you're in a
10:35
Speaker 2: relationship or not, if you are in a relationship or
10:39
Speaker 2: you have these beliefs, you are always going to assume
10:41
Speaker 2: that your partner is that. Yeah, you're going to assume
10:43
Speaker 2: the worst of them, because if something happens, you're automatically
10:45
Speaker 2: going to go to worst case scenario.
10:47
Speaker 1: They're never going to feel like they're winning, succeeding in
10:49
Speaker 1: the relationship that was going to feel like they're failing. Literally,
10:51
Speaker 1: why would you want your man to feel like that?
10:53
Speaker 2: Yeah, and for you to unconsciously think that about your
10:55
Speaker 2: partner too, Oh well, you know, I might trust him,
10:58
Speaker 2: but if something happens then yes, oh of course.
11:01
Speaker 1: It almost like waiting for it to happen. You're just
11:02
Speaker 1: manifesting it. You're bleeding it's going.
11:04
Speaker 2: To happen, waiting for the drop. Yeah.
11:06
Speaker 1: I don't know if I'm going to pay for this,
11:07
Speaker 1: but I think men get left behind. I don't think
11:10
Speaker 1: men get thought about enough. I'll use an example I
11:14
Speaker 1: was thinking about the other day. I had an old
11:15
Speaker 1: friend that went through, you know, a couple of miscarriages
11:18
Speaker 1: and for a woman, absolutely awful experience. I haven't been
11:22
Speaker 1: through it myself, but I've had a lot of girlfriends
11:24
Speaker 1: go through it. I speak to a lot of women
11:25
Speaker 1: online and I can't even begin to imagine the pain
11:28
Speaker 1: of going through a miscarriage. Like, honestly, my heart goes
11:30
Speaker 1: out to every woman that goes through that. The emotional,
11:33
Speaker 1: the physical, the grief, It's a forever thing. When do
11:37
Speaker 1: we stop in to check how the men are doing
11:38
Speaker 1: in that situation. Yes, they don't have the physical they.
11:42
Speaker 2: Go through something. And I remember this old girlfriend.
11:45
Speaker 1: I remember her saying something that she was almost reseentful
11:47
Speaker 1: that he was having a hard time. She was like, well,
11:49
Speaker 1: I'm the one that had to physically go through this,
11:51
Speaker 1: he should be fine. I remember not knowing how far
11:55
Speaker 1: to push, but I wanted to help her see that
11:57
Speaker 1: he still was having an emotional experience. He's still watching
12:00
Speaker 1: you go through all that pain. He's still sitting on
12:02
Speaker 1: the sideline feeling so helpless. He's failed, like he can't
12:06
Speaker 1: do anything to help you, whilst he's also experiencing the
12:09
Speaker 1: grief of the loss of his child as well. I
12:12
Speaker 1: just think they get left behind. And I've actually looked
12:14
Speaker 1: up some stats which is really heavy, but I think
12:17
Speaker 1: it's really important that men are three times more likely
12:20
Speaker 1: to die from suicide compared to females.
12:22
Speaker 2: Wow.
12:23
Speaker 1: Just huge.
12:24
Speaker 2: Yeah.
12:25
Speaker 1: Over three thousand suicides in Australia approximately every single year. Wow,
12:29
Speaker 1: and guess what, seventy five percent of them are men.
12:33
Speaker 1: It's the eleventh leading cause of death for men.
12:36
Speaker 2: Wow.
12:36
Speaker 1: That's the hot as fucked arts. Really, over seventy five
12:39
Speaker 1: percent of suicides are men. It goes to show how
12:43
Speaker 1: much more support, love, appreciation, respect, how much more we
12:48
Speaker 1: need to create these safe containers for men to come
12:51
Speaker 1: and talk and put their hand up and say that
12:53
Speaker 1: they're not okay. I think they get left behind.
12:55
Speaker 2: Yeah.
12:56
Speaker 1: I might copyte for that because women go through a
12:58
Speaker 1: lot as well, but I don't know. I want to
12:59
Speaker 1: kind of be a voice for men and say that
13:01
Speaker 1: they don't have to hold all of it. That's why
13:03
Speaker 1: this conversation is putting them all into a box. It's like,
13:05
Speaker 1: it's not fair. It's not fair. It's actually really disgusting as.
13:08
Speaker 2: Well, a lot of women. And I know this because
13:10
Speaker 2: I used to do this as well, where we used
13:12
Speaker 2: to go, Oh, but I want the men to go first,
13:14
Speaker 2: like the men should be the one to lead. But
13:15
Speaker 2: when we think about like emotional intelligence and the ability
13:18
Speaker 2: to communicate, women take lead in that. Women are so
13:21
Speaker 2: much more familiar with that. We're taught to do that.
13:24
Speaker 2: We're taught to talk about our feelings. We're taught to
13:26
Speaker 2: communicate with our girlfriends and to have support systems. You know,
13:29
Speaker 2: men don't have that. I don't just because they don't
13:32
Speaker 2: and just because they don't communicate to the degree that
13:34
Speaker 2: us women would doesn't mean that they're not sensitive or
13:37
Speaker 2: they don't need it, yeah, or they don't feel feelings
13:40
Speaker 2: to the depths that we do. Right, And with those stats,
13:43
Speaker 2: it shows that men actually do feel quite deeply, which
13:46
Speaker 2: is why they get to the point of suicide, which
13:48
Speaker 2: is really sad.
13:49
Speaker 1: So it feel so fucking alone.
13:50
Speaker 2: But it's just something that you said to me a
13:52
Speaker 2: little while ago, was like, if one partner could lead
13:56
Speaker 2: the torch and shine the light.
13:58
Speaker 1: Yeah, why would we not?
13:59
Speaker 2: Why would we not do that for them?
14:01
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's a cool conversation that we had.
14:02
Speaker 2: It was a really beautiful conversation, and it was about
14:05
Speaker 2: like a friend who was leading the way, who was
14:07
Speaker 2: more intelli emotionally intelligent, and her partner and being like, Okay, cool,
14:10
Speaker 2: I can shine the light in this area because I
14:12
Speaker 2: know how to. And I think that's a really beautiful
14:15
Speaker 2: conversation to have because we do have the ability to
14:17
Speaker 2: do that. Women are so emotionally intelligent. But what it takes,
14:21
Speaker 2: in my opinion at least, is to drop your ego
14:25
Speaker 2: and to let go of the need to have the
14:27
Speaker 2: men lead you in that area, because he can lead
14:29
Speaker 2: you in other areas. Oh yeah, you know, he's going
14:31
Speaker 2: to provide, he's going to protect, he's going to take
14:33
Speaker 2: care of he's going to make sure you're safe. He's
14:34
Speaker 2: going to teach you things and show you how to
14:37
Speaker 2: do life. There's so many things, But where can you
14:40
Speaker 2: lead in your life and in your relationships so that
14:43
Speaker 2: men can feel safe to come in.
14:45
Speaker 1: Especially if it's a strength of yours. I love that
14:46
Speaker 1: leading the torch because it's like if you were literally
14:48
Speaker 1: stuck in a dark cave and you had a light
14:50
Speaker 1: to shine to lead the way, would you just sit
14:52
Speaker 1: there in darkness hoping that he can find a light?
14:54
Speaker 1: No way, you would step up and say, come out
14:55
Speaker 1: of me, I've got it. Yeah, Like, yeah, you would
14:57
Speaker 1: do that. And even in today's modern society, like there
15:01
Speaker 1: is a lot of stay at home dads and the
15:03
Speaker 1: women are out there making bank, can you know, smashing
15:05
Speaker 1: their careers and doing so well. The men are at
15:08
Speaker 1: home taking care of the kids, they taking care of
15:09
Speaker 1: the household, or they're managing the finance. Like everyone's got
15:12
Speaker 1: their strengths and weaknesses. And where you can lead if
15:14
Speaker 1: you feel confident in a way that can help build
15:17
Speaker 1: that safety and that connection and that growth like lead
15:20
Speaker 1: in that area.
15:20
Speaker 2: Why would you not?
15:21
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, get rid of the old rule book that
15:23
Speaker 1: you have that men have to be a certain way
15:25
Speaker 1: and find what works for the two of you for sure.
15:28
Speaker 2: Yeah. So what would you say, Let's say, for somebody
15:30
Speaker 2: who's listening and they wanted to go, Okay, well, like,
15:33
Speaker 2: how do I figure out what my beliefs are about
15:36
Speaker 2: men and if they're healthy or unhealthy? Is there any
15:38
Speaker 2: advice that you would give them on how to start
15:40
Speaker 2: on that journey?
15:41
Speaker 1: I think I would have to ask that question that
15:43
Speaker 1: you asked me, Yeah, because I had to sit and
15:45
Speaker 1: think there for a second. It came to me, and
15:47
Speaker 1: then I would unpack where that came from and why
15:50
Speaker 1: I believe that, So, like what experience? Yes, and I'd
15:53
Speaker 1: look at the evidence that I've had from it and
15:54
Speaker 1: be like, Okay, that's still valid. That was my experience
15:57
Speaker 1: with that particular man. As we were talking, I was
15:59
Speaker 1: thinking of all the evidence that it's not true. Yeah.
16:02
Speaker 1: So I was thinking of my stepdad and I was like, Oh, yes,
16:04
Speaker 1: there's a abuse, there's our cohol, there's yelling, there's no safety,
16:07
Speaker 1: there's uncertainty.
16:08
Speaker 2: I was scared. That's awful.
16:11
Speaker 1: Oh and then there's Steve, and then there's Levi, and
16:13
Speaker 1: then there's Brad, and then there's Taylor. And I could
16:16
Speaker 1: name like six or seven men that I have in
16:18
Speaker 1: my life currently that I know I could turn to
16:20
Speaker 1: and be so held, so protected, so taken care of
16:24
Speaker 1: in loads of different ways. And I was like, Oh,
16:26
Speaker 1: so that old story, it's not true anymore. So I
16:29
Speaker 1: would just ask yourself what stories come up for you
16:31
Speaker 1: and look for evidence of both and choose where you
16:33
Speaker 1: want to lean energy into. It doesn't have to be
16:36
Speaker 1: your truth forever. Yeah, it could have been your truth once,
16:38
Speaker 1: but doesn't mean it's going to be true forever.
16:40
Speaker 2: Do you truly believe that when you are around certain
16:43
Speaker 2: people who have certain believes, that you can take on their.
16:45
Speaker 1: Beliefs one hundred percent. We are so easily influenced, especially
16:49
Speaker 1: with social media or people you care about. I know
16:51
Speaker 1: there's been things over the years that friends have said
16:53
Speaker 1: and I'm immediately like, oh, my gosh, yes, of course,
16:56
Speaker 1: Chama said that that's going to be true. And most
16:59
Speaker 1: of the time you are very spot on.
17:00
Speaker 2: I learned a lot from you.
17:02
Speaker 1: Oh I don't know about that, but it is important
17:03
Speaker 1: to go with it and be like well, is that
17:05
Speaker 1: a projection? Is that her truth is that my truth?
17:08
Speaker 1: Where does that come from? What do I think about?
17:10
Speaker 1: That could be true?
17:10
Speaker 2: But what else could it mean? And like explore all
17:13
Speaker 2: the options like questioning and everything. Get curious. Yeah, okay,
17:17
Speaker 2: get curious. I like that. Yeah. I remember if there
17:20
Speaker 2: was one time where I had a girlfriend of mine
17:21
Speaker 2: who had some not so good experiences with men just recently,
17:25
Speaker 2: when we had this conversation and she was just like, Oh,
17:27
Speaker 2: I just knew it, like all men are the same.
17:29
Speaker 2: And I remember hearing her say that. I remember thinking
17:31
Speaker 2: in my head, Wow, I don't think that. I'm like, wow,
17:34
Speaker 2: that's the belief, like that you're only going to create
17:36
Speaker 2: more of that. And it's so true, like whatever you believe,
17:39
Speaker 2: whether good or bad, you'll find the evidence. Y, you'll
17:41
Speaker 2: find the evidence. You'll create that into life because you're
17:44
Speaker 2: going to look for how that belief is true. So
17:47
Speaker 2: even if you have in front of you a very
17:49
Speaker 2: good man, your antennas are up. They're up for him
17:54
Speaker 2: being wrong. They're being in alignment with that belief that
17:57
Speaker 2: you're telling yourself. So you're going to look for that,
17:59
Speaker 2: but you're going to miss all of the good things too,
18:01
Speaker 2: so true.
18:02
Speaker 1: I had a situation like that too recently, just to
18:04
Speaker 1: go friend of mine and her partner was having like
18:06
Speaker 1: a lot of problems with drinking and drugs and stuff.
18:08
Speaker 1: And this is very against her standards and what she
18:12
Speaker 1: ever wanted her life. She doesn't touch any of it.
18:14
Speaker 1: And she just made one blanket comment and it was like, oh, well,
18:17
Speaker 1: I've got to expect every thirty year old guy does this.
18:19
Speaker 1: And I was like, ah, no, no, no, we're not
18:22
Speaker 1: going to do that. That's not true. And she was like, yeah,
18:24
Speaker 1: it's so normal for all of them to go through
18:26
Speaker 1: this phase. I said a lot of them. And yes,
18:28
Speaker 1: the Australian culture, it's big on drinking and celebrating and
18:31
Speaker 1: to have a good time like have another beer, Like
18:33
Speaker 1: that's common here, right. I know plenty of thirty year
18:36
Speaker 1: olds that don't do that. Absolutely, there are plenty of them.
18:39
Speaker 1: You just haven't met them. You don't have to settle
18:41
Speaker 1: for that. That doesn't have to be your normal or
18:43
Speaker 1: your story. Yes, yeah, I stopped doing the tracks, and
18:46
Speaker 1: then she said she made another comment. We're talking about
18:48
Speaker 1: another girlfriend that was single, and she made a comment about, oh,
18:51
Speaker 1: all forty year olds are going to have a ton
18:53
Speaker 1: of baggage.
18:54
Speaker 2: I was like, not true, that's not true. That is
18:56
Speaker 2: not true. It's such a belief.
18:57
Speaker 1: And what is your belief around baggage?
19:00
Speaker 2: What do you mean?
19:00
Speaker 1: What that means is that divorce? Is that children? What's
19:03
Speaker 1: your level of baggage? Because you're your perception on baggage
19:07
Speaker 1: could be someone else's absolute treasure of gold. Oh my gosh,
19:10
Speaker 1: they have children.
19:11
Speaker 2: Beautiful.
19:11
Speaker 1: I love kids.
19:11
Speaker 2: I always wanted to be a step mom.
19:12
Speaker 1: I've always want to be a stepmum. Like my girlfriend Chais,
19:14
Speaker 1: she would take one hundred kids. She would never view
19:17
Speaker 1: that as baggage. She'd be like, oh my gosh, beautiful.
19:18
Speaker 2: This man loves children. I love children.
19:20
Speaker 1: How cool I have blended family.
19:22
Speaker 2: Yes.
19:22
Speaker 1: So it's like, just be careful of what you're attaching
19:24
Speaker 1: yourself to and the meaning that you're putting on each
19:27
Speaker 1: of those stories, because it can be really negative.
19:29
Speaker 2: Something that you said spark something for me. A friend
19:32
Speaker 2: of mine who has a friend of his, Yes, and
19:34
Speaker 2: he's telling me about how she's, you know, forty, and
19:37
Speaker 2: she's kind of dating at the moment, but she was
19:39
Speaker 2: single for a little while and then apparently she was
19:42
Speaker 2: still attracting even at the age of forty, attracting men
19:46
Speaker 2: in his forties who were still drinking, doing drugs, partying,
19:49
Speaker 2: you know, still that very much in the ego type energy.
19:52
Speaker 2: And I just found it really interesting because he was
19:54
Speaker 2: saying like, oh, wow, she's still attracting this, and I'm like, yeah,
19:56
Speaker 2: but that's what she's entertaining. Yes, that must be her
19:59
Speaker 2: beliefs around men. And you know, because it's in her field,
20:03
Speaker 2: that's all that she keeps experiencing, because her beliefs about
20:05
Speaker 2: men are still the same. Yes, you know, I think
20:07
Speaker 2: it's doesn't believe there's something else that's right. And also
20:10
Speaker 2: you get what you entertain. So even if you are
20:13
Speaker 2: experiencing a quality of man or a type of man
20:15
Speaker 2: that you don't want to be experiencing, then that's your
20:18
Speaker 2: responsibility to start saying no to those things. It is.
20:21
Speaker 2: And it's not saying that they're not good enough or
20:22
Speaker 2: they're not worthy or none of those things. It's just
20:24
Speaker 2: not your preference.
20:25
Speaker 1: It's like when people say, oh, the same thing keeps happening,
20:28
Speaker 1: it's always going to happen to me.
20:29
Speaker 2: That's on you.
20:30
Speaker 1: What are you allowing to keep happening? Yes, what doesn't
20:32
Speaker 1: change doesn't change.
20:34
Speaker 2: Even that story, right, Yeah, oh keeps happening to me. Oh,
20:36
Speaker 2: it'sertainly going to keep happening to you if you tell
20:38
Speaker 2: yourself that there's a.
20:39
Speaker 1: Lesson in there. I feel like a lesson keeps getting
20:41
Speaker 1: repeated until you actually learn it.
20:43
Speaker 2: Yeah. I believe that too.
20:44
Speaker 1: Yeah, which is a hard pill to swallow. Like I've
20:46
Speaker 1: definitely had to go through that a lot of times.
20:48
Speaker 1: I'll be like, why is this third time this has happened?
20:50
Speaker 1: Or why does this keep happening to me? And it's like, Okay,
20:53
Speaker 1: why is it?
20:53
Speaker 2: Then? What's your belief around it? What are you entertaining?
20:56
Speaker 2: What are you allowing? What you're not change? Choosing? Yes, yeah,
21:00
Speaker 2: so potent because it's so true. It really applies to
21:03
Speaker 2: this area of life.
21:04
Speaker 1: Yeah, such a good conversation.
21:05
Speaker 2: But you're not changing, You're choosing.
21:07
Speaker 1: Such a good quote, isn't it.
21:08
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's so good.
21:09
Speaker 1: We'd love to continue this conversation though. If you have
21:11
Speaker 1: any thoughts around this or stories or anything, jump into
21:14
Speaker 1: our Facebook forum because it's such an important conversation I
21:17
Speaker 1: think we should be having more of. Like I've never
21:19
Speaker 1: heard anyone talk about the beliefs around men.
21:21
Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't think so either.
21:22
Speaker 1: Powerful question.
21:23
Speaker 2: I just think it's so important. I think men need
21:25
Speaker 2: to be celebrated more. And I think as women for
21:28
Speaker 2: what we want out of men, I think it's important
21:31
Speaker 2: for us to be willing to meet them halfway. We
21:34
Speaker 2: can't expect men to fully come to us, just like
21:36
Speaker 2: they can't expect us to fully go to them. And
21:38
Speaker 2: they don't put in any work. It's a collaboration, and
21:41
Speaker 2: we have to celebrate them as much as we want
21:43
Speaker 2: them to celebrate us. And I think that's what I've
21:45
Speaker 2: taught myself more recently, is how do I want my
21:48
Speaker 2: partner to meet me? What do I want him to
21:51
Speaker 2: come into me with? The beliefs about women? How do
21:54
Speaker 2: I want him to see me? How do I want
21:55
Speaker 2: him to treat his mum? How do I want him
21:57
Speaker 2: to treat other women? Yes, all of those things in
21:59
Speaker 2: the standard I want him to come into me with.
22:02
Speaker 2: I have to meet him in the middle.
22:03
Speaker 1: You have to do you know what I mean.
22:05
Speaker 2: You're just simply not going to attract that type.
22:06
Speaker 1: Of man vibrationally. You will attract what you're being, what
22:09
Speaker 1: you're thinking or you're putting out there.
22:11
Speaker 2: And how much would that heal to collected if men
22:13
Speaker 2: and women consciously came together like that to be able
22:16
Speaker 2: to create a new way of being. Psycho logic magic,
22:19
Speaker 2: the goal everything.
22:21
Speaker 1: Thanks for joining us, guys. I hope you enjoyed this episode,
22:23
Speaker 1: and if you're not in our Facebook forum, head over
22:25
Speaker 1: to Facebook just type in she rises It's cool. Where
22:27
Speaker 1: can extend these conversations out? Thanks guys, Bye,