Latest / The Art of Love With Lucia / Episode 688: Why Your Avoidant Ex Is STILL Thinking About You

Transcript

Episode 688: Why Your Avoidant Ex Is STILL Thinking About You · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:00
  If your ex was an avoidant, you may think that they're not
• 0:05
  thinking about you anymore. They're happy to be alone and
• 0:09
  independent again, and you've totally been forgotten.
• 0:12
  But that is simply not true. And I'm going to give you 4
• 0:15
  reasons why your avoidant ex is most likely thinking about you.
• 0:20
  And in order for them to come back, the first step is, of
• 0:24
  course, to think about you. Hi, this is Lucia with the Art
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  of Love. I'm a dating and relationship
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  expert specializing in helping you get your ex back or to get
• 0:33
  over your ex. And welcome back my beautiful no
• 0:35
  contact Army. Have you been a good little
• 0:38
  soldier and stayed in no contact?
• 0:40
  If you're having trouble doing that, download my app, Silencio.
• 0:43
  The link is underneath every single video and podcast.
• 0:46
  And if you too want to join our beautiful no contact Army, all
• 0:50
  you have to do is hit the subscribe button and the bell
• 0:54
  notification and you're in. And to read our manual, go to
• 0:58
  nocontactsecrets.com where you can read 2 free chapters before
• 1:02
  you purchase the book. And the link to that is also
• 1:04
  underneath every video and podcast.
• 1:07
  OK so before I begin I actually want to read a short
• 1:11
  testimonial, a success story from one of my clients because I
• 1:14
  know these success stories are very motivational if you haven't
• 1:18
  heard from your ex yet. OK so they say.
• 1:22
  Lucia helped save my relationship.
• 1:24
  I was down bad just a month ago after a tough breakup.
• 1:28
  I was confused, anxious, and overall in an extremely tough
• 1:32
  spot. I started listening to the Art
• 1:35
  of Love. Lucia's voice and advice kept me
• 1:37
  calm. Her honesty and confidence mixed
• 1:40
  with humor helped me stay focused on working on me.
• 1:44
  I started using no contact. I started using the Silencio app
• 1:49
  and hit the panic button a few times, but with her help, I
• 1:52
  stayed strong. It didn't take long for my ex to
• 1:55
  start reaching out to me with interesting messages.
• 1:58
  I received coaching from Lucia where she taught me about
• 2:00
  attachment styles, the need for me to regain my independence,
• 2:03
  and what to do when my ex came back.
• 2:06
  And they did come back. We're now happier than ever.
• 2:08
  I'm so thankful that I found Lucia.
• 2:11
  You can all do this. You have to be good little
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  soldiers. That's right.
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  Thanks for your testimonial. OK, so let's start with the
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  first reason you're avoiding X may be thinking about you.
• 2:25
  And that is because if you have an anxious attachment style,
• 2:30
  they never thought that you would be in no contact.
• 2:33
  They never thought that you would be silent.
• 2:35
  They thought you'd be chasing them, trying to get them back,
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  especially if you always did that in the past when there were
• 2:41
  breakups or fights. So if you've been a good little
• 2:44
  soldier and say no contact, they will definitely wonder what's
• 2:48
  going on. And you know, when you've dated
• 2:51
  someone, you can usually predict how they're going to behave, how
• 2:54
  they're going to respond to a situation, especially if you
• 2:57
  were with them for a long period of time, right?
• 2:59
  So when you behave the opposite to what they expected, they're
• 3:03
  going to have cognitive dissonance.
• 3:06
  So even though they didn't want the relationship, especially if
• 3:10
  they got scared off by their own fears and thoughts, they still
• 3:14
  didn't want you to necessarily disappear from their life.
• 3:17
  That's why avoidance often want to remain friends.
• 3:21
  So when you actually do no contact and disappear, now they
• 3:25
  have to reassess their decision. That's why it's so important to
• 3:30
  get into no contact and stay there.
• 3:33
  That way they won't have any other options but to reflect on
• 3:36
  their decision and eventually come to realize what they lost.
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  This is why I get so upset when someone breaks no contact.
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  Because you're shooting yourself in the foot and making things
• 3:48
  worse for yourself just so you can momentarily calm your
• 3:52
  anxiety. And it's rarely if ever worth
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  it. On to the second reason.
• 3:58
  Just as you are getting triggered when things remind you
• 4:02
  of your ex or when it's their birthday or maybe even your
• 4:06
  birthday, they will also experience triggers.
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  And in fact, in the last week, I've had two of my clients who
• 4:12
  got triggered because of birthdays and they almost broke
• 4:16
  no contact. Thank God they didn't.
• 4:19
  One was the guy, you may recall, that his ex's daughter was
• 4:24
  crying on the phone. And even though I told him he
• 4:27
  cannot reach out to the ex, the daughter was like, please,
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  please. She's afraid you're going to
• 4:31
  reject her. Please contact mom.
• 4:33
  And he's like, OK. And then he did and nothing
• 4:37
  happened and, and he still has not heard from the ex and it's
• 4:40
  been almost three months. So it was, I believe, his
• 4:44
  birthday recently. And even though he didn't expect
• 4:47
  her to reach out, of course, he kind of hoped she would.
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  And when she didn't, he wanted to reach out.
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  He wanted to break no contact, but luckily he didn't.
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  He just had a momentary weakness.
• 5:02
  And my other client, this was the second time I had to talk
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  her down off the ledge because it was his birthday.
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  And she's like, well, why can't I just contact him and ask to
• 5:13
  meet up and just catch up? Come on, don't lie to yourself,
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  OK? You can lie to me.
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  Although you can't lie to me because I know it was.
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  This isn't about just catching up.
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  You're hoping that you're going to catch up, meet up, catch up
• 5:28
  and get back together. That's not going to happen.
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  I can guarantee you 100% that's not going to happen.
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  I've never had that happen. He'll meet up with you, you'll
• 5:39
  catch up, and then he'll be back on his merry way and you're
• 5:42
  going to feel like a fool. So luckily, as far as I know,
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  she did not contact him, but she was triggered.
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  But luckily she contacted me first.
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  So your ex may get triggered with birthdays just like you,
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  and in fact often XS. If you don't wish them a happy
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  birthday, they will unfollow you or block you.
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  Which is fine. Which is fine, it's a reaction.
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  And other triggers could be songs, TV shows you watch
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  together, places you vacationed in.
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  I've had clients tell me that they couldn't go to certain
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  cities anymore because they reminded them too much of their
• 6:15
  ex. The longer you were together,
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  the more memories you're going to have obviously, and the
• 6:21
  easier they'll get triggered once they've stopped suppressing
• 6:25
  their feelings. So don't expect it to happen
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  right away with an avoidant open loop.
• 6:31
  I talked about this in my video, my most popular video, 7 reasons
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  why the no contact rule works on everyone and I will put that
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  link in the upper right hand corner on YouTube.
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  Avoidance don't usually give closure and don't usually ask
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  foreclosure. So there's usually a lot of
• 6:50
  unfinished business in breakups with avoidance.
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  As time goes by, they may get this gnawing feeling that they
• 6:58
  may have left too early, they may have walked away too easily.
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  Avoidance don't usually close close the door totally just in
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  case they want to come back. So unless they told you to
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  absolutely never contact them again and they don't have want
• 7:15
  to have anything to do with you, you still have a chance.
• 7:18
  And even if they did say those things, depending on the
• 7:22
  circumstances, you still have a chance.
• 7:24
  Especially if they said them when they were breaking up with
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  you or if they were angry. People say a lot of things at
• 7:30
  the end of relationships which they don't mean and which they
• 7:32
  later regret. So don't worry.
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  And the final reason your avoidant ex may be thinking
• 7:39
  about you is because you are growing and thriving without
• 7:44
  them. Maybe there were certain changes
• 7:46
  they wanted you to make which you weren't making, and now they
• 7:49
  see that you did or that you're working on yourself.
• 7:52
  That's why you should not block an X right after a breakup.
• 7:57
  Most XS will be looking at your social media, even if it's
• 8:00
  secretly and there's no other way to show them that you're
• 8:05
  moving on without them and your life is better and you worked on
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  yourself unless you have social media or unless you have mutual
• 8:12
  friends that they can ask. So when you start to look more
• 8:16
  appealing, and I don't mean physically, just physically and
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  always, their fear of loss is going to kick in, especially if
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  the only reason they ran away was because they feared taking
• 8:27
  the next step in the relationship.
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  So instead of chasing them, you're leaving them alone with
• 8:33
  their thoughts, which I know is difficult if you have an anxious
• 8:36
  attachment style. They will definitely be thinking
• 8:39
  about you and wondering if they should reach out.
• 8:42
  And this is when you'll see things start to turn around for
• 8:45
  you and they'll show signs of missing you, which I talked
• 8:49
  about in my video last week which I will post in the upper
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  right hand corner. So finally, keep in mind that if
• 8:58
  you do hear from your avoidant ex and the reason they broke up
• 9:03
  with you was not because you did anything wrong or because their
• 9:07
  relationship was terrible or toxic, but because they were
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  afraid of the next step, you should absolutely make it a
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  prerequisite that they work on their attachment style before
• 9:18
  you get back together. Otherwise you're just asking for
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  trouble. Because if they left once,
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  there's a very good chance they'll leave again unless they
• 9:27
  worked on themselves. Because otherwise, what's going
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  to happen the next time they get triggered, right?
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  People don't usually do anything just once.
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  So make sure you tell them no, you need to work on your
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  attachment style. Otherwise we're not getting back
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  together, which is going to be hard to do.
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  But I'm just looking out for you as usual.
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  OK, so now I want to hear from you.
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  How long have you been in no contact and how is it going?
• 9:53
  And in the meantime, if you would like my help to get your
• 9:55
  ex back, you can contact me at theartoflove.net/coaching and we
• 10:00
  will send you the rates. They are not on the website.
• 10:03
  We respond to all emails within 24 hours so if you don't hear
• 10:07
  back then please write again and try a different e-mail if you
• 10:11
  have a secondary e-mail. If you found this video helpful,
• 10:14
  I would appreciate if you would like subscribe and share.
• 10:18
  If you're listening to this as a podcast and you want to help the
• 10:22
  podcast, the best thing to do is to download the episode.
• 10:25
  And finally, remember, love inspires, empowers, uplifts and
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  enlightens.