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167 // From Self-Doubt to Self-Trust in ADHD, with Laura Aydlette · ADHD with Confidence | Overcome Anxiety & Self-Doubt, Christian ADHD Coach, ADHD in Women

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  In today's episode, I'm talking with a licensed professional counselor, Laura Eidlett.
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  She's going to talk to us about how when we get an ADHD diagnosis,
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  there's often a sense of relief, but then we're frustrated because we are still
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  dealing with that self-doubt.
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  So we're going to talk in today's episode about how we can move from a place
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  of self-doubt to self-trust.
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  Before we get into that, if you want help improving your life,
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  working towards goals, working to like yourself better, working to have better systems in place,
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  head to ADHDwithconfidence.com forward slash offerings and you can book a free
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  intake coaching call. I would love to be able to partner with you.
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  All right let's get into today's episode i hope you enjoy it.
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  Thank so you can know in your heart that you do belong. You are enough and you
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  are made on purpose and with a purpose.
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  Hey, I'm Kelsey Spronk, fellow ADHD mom and entrepreneur. Join me in building confidence so you.
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  Hey, friends. Welcome to the ADHD Confidence podcast.
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  I'm your host, Kelsey Sprunk, and today I'm honored to be joined by Laura Eidlett.
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  She is a licensed professional counselor, the founder of the Tria Corda Counseling,
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  and she specializes in helping high-achieving women, many of whom are late-identified
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  ADHD. Laura, welcome to the show.
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  Thank you so much, Kelsey. I'm so excited to be here today. Yeah,
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  I'm excited to hear what you have to share with me and my audience.
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  Can you start us off by telling us a little bit more about you,
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  about what you do for work, and also about your connections personally and professionally with ADHD?
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  Yeah, sure. So as you mentioned, I am a therapist. I do work mostly or I guess
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  a fair amount with women who have ADHD or who highly suspect that.
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  But I also have ADHD myself and I was late diagnosed just a handful of years ago.
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  I actually started suspecting ADHD in myself when I was looking up symptoms
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  some of my kids had and then realized like, oh, wow, this sounds a lot like me.
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  So that's how I got into the ADHD world.
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  Perfect. I have a question. I wasn't planning on asking this,
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  but as somebody who was late diagnosed ADHD,
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  how do you feel like that changes the journey with ADHD versus somebody who
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  was diagnosed early in life? That's a good question.
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  It's hard to say because the late diagnosis has been my only experience.
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  And most of the women that I work with have also not been diagnosed until later.
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  But I think that, you know, at least for me and the women that I've seen,
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  it provides a lot of clarity, like that big aha moment later on,
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  just helping to make sense of, oh, this is why I always struggled with like
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  procrastination or keeping my room clean or things like that. And,
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  I think maybe emotionally it can be a little bit of a journey just because there's
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  sometimes frustration or grief or like the wish, oh, I wish I knew this earlier
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  so I wasn't so hard on myself or,
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  had some more answers.
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  Absolutely yeah that that two two parts to it of the first part of relief a
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  sense of relief and understanding and then the recognition looking back saying,
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  what would have been if i would have known would it have changed anything with
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  the right kind of supports absolutely.
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  So something that you had presented to me was talking about when women get a
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  diagnosis there's that sense of understanding,
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  but there's still a lack of self-trust, that question of why don't I trust myself yet?
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  Can you go into that a little bit and where that is coming from,
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  whether that's from your work or from your own experience?
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  Yeah, so I've noticed that in both, in my own experience and in the clients that I work with,
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  I think a lot of times there's this desire to put the puzzle pieces together
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  about, you know, what's going on with me? Why am I like this?
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  Why do I struggle with organization or being on time or whatever it might be?
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  And there's often the hope that if I just get this diagnosis,
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  I'll have clarity and I'll be able to move forward and everything will be better.
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  And I know when I was going through the diagnosis process myself,
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  I was really hopeful that would be the case for me.
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  I was filling out the questionnaires and thinking, oh, I can't wait to just
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  have the answer, so I don't have to struggle with these things anymore.
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  And it was exciting to get the diagnosis.
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  I liked that I finally had the confirmation that I fit into this world that
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  I had been telling myself for a while before that I thought I did.
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  But then there's frustration as the months and the years went on.
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  And, you know, I'm still going through it now, but just why isn't this getting any easier?
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  Why why do I still struggle with self-doubt at times of,
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  whether or not I'll be able to be successful in an area or just I guess trust
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  myself like as I mentioned in I guess just being an adult and some of those,
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  big decisions in life yeah,
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  and I imagine that's something a lot of us can relate to is that that feeling of searching for,
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  an answer a solution I think often too in the world that we live in we're looking
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  for quick fixes to things and I mean whether that's relationships or weight
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  loss or fitness or whatever it is we're kind of looking for,
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  a quick fix that can you know happen overnight or within a short period of time and,
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  that building that self-trust and that confidence is something that takes time
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  so as far as far as that then.
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  What do you think within that? What keeps us in that self-doubt?
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  What kind of things do you see that these women are still struggling with?
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  So you're definitely right that we want these quick fixes and we want that clarity,
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  just like that, aha, I know everything. I know how to figure it out now.
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  But just as, you know, all the other parts of our identity have been formed
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  over time through our past relationships, through our interests, through our calling,
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  the way that we see ourselves has been influenced our entire lives.
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  I think especially for the late diagnosed women, they've struggled most of their
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  lives thinking like, well, I'm just someone who's lazy. I'm just someone who's
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  unreliable. I'm not the kind of person who follows through.
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  And it's sometimes reinforced by family members who might not understand why
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  they're struggling in certain ways,
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  or maybe reinforced by peers who say, oh well you talk too much or you're annoying, you're too much.
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  Same thing in relationships. It can be really hard to have a romantic relationship
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  when you don't know about your ADHD just because it can influence the way that
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  you interact with people.
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  When you get that diagnosis, you might have the label for yourself,
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  but it's not going to help you just automatically unlearn the identity that you've adapted.
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  I love what you said about identity is formed over time.
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  And that's not just identity as far as ADHD.
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  That's all of our identity has been formed over time and experiences,
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  responses from people, reactions, interactions.
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  There's so much that goes into forming that identity that we have.
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  And I think as much as obviously there's that impatient part of me,
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  I don't know about for other people, that impatient part of me that wants change
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  now, there is comfort in knowing that it does take time.
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  And so, you know, even I say sometimes here on the podcast is that our journey
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  to confidence is not going to be linear, just like we don't think in a linear fashion, right?
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  There's all sorts of zigs and zags. And that's, I think, a beautiful,
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  beautiful part of who we are.
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  And so just understanding that it will take time and not feeling like we need
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  to beat ourselves up or shame ourselves saying, why do you still not trust yourself?
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  Why are you still not confident? I thought we were getting somewhere,
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  you know, those things that are actually sending us backwards.
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  So what would you say as far as forming our identity over time?
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  What kind of advice would you give to women with ADHD to form a positive identity
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  to build that self-trust?
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  Yeah, so that's a great question. And there's not an easy answer to that.
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  Or there's not an answer people like, really.
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  It's something that will take a lot of time because I think for years we tend
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  to trust other people's interpretations of our behaviors more than we trust our own experience.
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  And we struggle with the way we've learned to see ourselves,
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  So part of rebuilding a new identity is taking apart your experiences from the
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  interpretation of your story.
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  And that can start with something as simple as looking back.
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  And I use the disorganized example because it captures my experience very well.
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  Just thinking back to how messy my room was and still is, honestly.
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  And separating the fact that my room is messy from,
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  a label that i've put on myself that i'm i'm lazy or i'm disorganized and then
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  just giving it a new meaning like my brain has a harder time keeping up with
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  routines and i can still learn i can still grow.
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  So it's challenging the negative story and reframing it and adding some hope to it,
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  i love that yeah so challenging the negative story part of what i heard in there
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  as well was separating facts from feelings or facts stories that we've told
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  ourselves or maybe been told like you said i mean i remember being told to,
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  Well, not even so much your room was messy. My mom would say,
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  well, your room is messy because you'd leave your stuff everywhere else in the house.
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  You know, just going to drop it off as you go.
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  But understanding, I think it is important to understand, like you said,
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  that yes, some of these things do happen, but they're not a reflection on who
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  we are or a reflection of our character.
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  And that when we can kind of spin that and say women with ADHD.
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  Are you know empathetic and they are compassionate they are creative they think
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  outside the box they're great problem solvers we have all these positives to
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  focus on like you said infusing some of that hope into those situations even if it just,
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  neutralizes that situation yes my room is messy is that ideal Well,
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  I don't know, maybe not if I can function it, it's probably fine,
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  but not adding, like you said, those other labels to it.
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  Right. What about as far as focusing on the positives?
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  Have you found for yourself or for your clients, is there a specific way that
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  you've found that you've been able to focus on the positives of who you are as a woman with ADHD?
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  Yes. So as a therapist, I like to meet people where they're at.
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  And I found that, you know, it can look different for everybody.
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  I know I had one client who would bring in the most amazing coloring books with
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  all these like fancy high quality markers. And she would use those during sessions.
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  Or there's other people that process things better when they're moving.
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  So we go on walks during therapy.
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  And I think that looking at the
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  way your brain works as you know just a difference it doesn't have to be,
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  positive or negative it can just be different and then once you are able to
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  get curious about it you can find the strengths,
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  instead of looking to make a quick judgment so.
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  My, how I meet my clients in being able to process things the way that works
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  best for them helps them to identify their strengths later on.
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  I like that about being curious about yourself, about what works well for you.
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  And like you said, without necessarily adding a judgment or a label onto that and having that.
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  I've heard as well, I think it was Kabor Mate who had said compassionate curiosity.
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  And so kind of that curiosity towards yourself where there isn't the judgment
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  and there's that grace, that compassion, that kindness within it to understand that,
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  we do have strengths, but it might take some time to really figure out what those are.
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  And those things that are life-giving for us, the things that bring us joy,
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  the things that we naturally like to engage in or that we excel at,
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  all of that I think is an important part of the journey.
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  What would you say you've seen as far as for your own journey or for the women you work with?
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  What's possible when they have that diagnosis, maybe they're starting with a
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  sense of relief, that self-understanding piece, but then they're still feeling a little bit held back.
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  What have you seen is possible when they keep going, when they choose that hope,
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  when there's that bit of hope infused into those stories that are starting to
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  shift and change their identity?
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  That's one of my favorite parts of being a therapist is seeing how much growth can come from,
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  watching a client shift away from self-criticism to curiosity and be able to
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  start making connections in themselves of, oh,
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  my brain works this way and let me find something that works with that.
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  And then all of a sudden they're feeling more on top of things they're feeling
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  more confident and then they're able to take steps and try new things that they
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  never thought they'd be able to do before,
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  or i think you know another really important part of learning how to trust yourself with adhd is the,
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  noticing the relational patterns you might have gotten into as a way to mask or accommodate,
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  and practice forming new patterns like for example people pleasing is one that comes to mind,
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  many clients i've worked with have a tendency to say yes to everything or to
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  try to keep people happy because they some of them are so used to being criticized
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  by other people whether it was family members or colleagues or you know professors in college.
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  They they are used to disappointing so they try to keep the peace as much as possible.
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  And when they're able to look at their story and their identity and separate
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  that, then they can start to make decisions that work for them and rediscover
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  what their values actually are.
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  And so learning those relational patterns as far as, in one sense,
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  masking sometimes or even coping strategies that we had to probably to help
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  us feel less afraid, I imagine.
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  Right. Would be part of it. Would one of those then be perfectionism or is that
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  less of a relational pattern?
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  Oh, absolutely. Perfectionism shows up, I think, both, you know,
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  on your own when you're doing something like your own homework or work projects
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  or something, but also in relationships.
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  I think it's closely tied to people pleasing.
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  It's wanting to control as much as you can, oftentimes because things feel out of control.
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  Maybe you can't trust that you're going to follow through on a project.
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  So you try to make it as perfect as possible.
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  And, you know, that never goes well. It just it leads to burnout prematurely
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  and then more self-criticism and the cycle just repeats.
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  And I imagine part of that is those exceedingly high expectations that we have
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  for ourselves that we can't live up to. And then, like you said,
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  there's that vicious cycle. We're going to feel like we are disappointing others.
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  We're going to be disappointed in ourselves.
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  I think part of it too, one that I've experienced for myself is in performance
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  and overachieving and feeling like that is something that's tied to my childhood
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  of feeling like the affirmation was when I performed.
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  And so understanding, even within what you're saying of people-pleasing,
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  perfectionism, I imagine comparison, overachieving, things like that,
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  is being able to separate our identity and our worth from those things and recognizing,
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  like you said, looking back and recognizing them for what they are and also,
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  giving ourselves grace and understanding where they came from.
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  Often these things are formed, I imagine, when we are children and we're not,
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  we don't have that self-awareness or that autonomy to be able to make those
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  kinds of decisions for ourselves.
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  Oh, yeah. I think it's so easy to tie our worth into our performance and even
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  more so with ADHD because it's highlighted so often all the shortcomings that we have.
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  And it's just like you said, it can be tied to academics or to sports or to how people see us.
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  And that's where I like to encourage people to, when they're getting curious,
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  part of that curiosity is discovering what their values actually are and what
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  gives them encouragement to continue to focus on values-based living instead of fear-based living.
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  So for many of the people I work with, it's faith, you know,
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  knowing that your identity comes from being loved by God and being made in His
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  image and not having to earn the worth from any kind of task you do.
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  It is such a peaceful way to build confidence.
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  Even just recently, I was frustrated about something and,
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  looking at the way that the world builds confidence as far as,
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  and I'm not saying this for everybody, but sometimes I've seen it is about those
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  achievements and how well you perform and things like that.
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  And that can be so unsteady. It can be so uncertain.
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  And so, yes, knowing that we are made in God's image and that that is where
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  our confidence can be based on is such a beautiful place to start.
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  And then unlearning some of that negative identity that we have and then rebuilding,
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  like you said, with those values.
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  And sometimes we talk about here those needs those things that are life-giving
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  for you and genuinely understanding what they are apart from people pleasing
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  apart from asking other people what you should do you know right,
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  so something else if somebody has just gotten diagnosed they're at the very
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  beginning of this journey what kind of hope or encouragement would you want to give to them.
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  Yeah. So if someone is just getting diagnosed, I know like we mentioned earlier,
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  there's that desire to get everything moving as fast as possible,
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  especially with ADHD, where you operate from a very interest or pressure-based nervous system.
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  And, you know, we're used to momentum being the thing that carries us through.
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  I would encourage them to just trust that it's okay to slow down.
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  It's okay to take the time to process through what it means what emotions are coming up for them,
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  you know whether it's grief or anger or excitement or joy and that you can build
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  on your identity you can build the healing process just one step at a time.
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  Yeah i appreciate that That it's okay to slow down and even that concept within that of,
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  it's not only okay, it's good to experience and go through those emotions instead
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  of trying to bottle them up or push them down. Absolutely.
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  Okay, where can we go to find out more about you and about the work that you're doing?
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  Yeah, so I just built my own website earlier this year.
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  It's triacordacounseling.com. And I'm also on Instagram under the same handle, Triocorda Counseling.
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  Perfect. Okay, I will add that in the show notes below. But thank you so much
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  for taking the time to be with us here today and to share the knowledge and
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  expertise that you have on ADHD.
• 21:31
  Oh, thank you. I really appreciate it.