Latest / SECOND CLOCK™ / SEASON 6 | WHAT AWARENESS BRINGS

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SEASON 6 | WHAT AWARENESS BRINGS · SECOND CLOCK™

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  I've heard it said that people can change, but only if they
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  want to. So what would it take for you to
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  try it? Change the way you think, feel,
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  relate and experience situations.
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  For me, I wanted to find the truth and little by little I did
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  become different and old conditionings gone.
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  Then I set a new course. I refer to that as the second
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  clock. Join me, click follow, like and
• 0:29
  subscribe and let's see where this leads.
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  There was a time when I felt like I was becoming undone,
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  where I didn't recognize my actions, my responses.
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  I didn't recognize the people around me, what I was hearing.
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  Hearing them say. I couldn't believe that things
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  had gotten so uncomfortable, awkward, and overall
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  unacceptable. I'm talking about this now that
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  I'm over it, but because recently I've been hearing a lot
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  of people talking to me and when I hear them, I hear the person
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  coming undone. I hear what it sounds like when
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  it's like they're screaming into a pillow and nobody understands
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  them. So they keep saying it
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  differently, thinking that maybe their messaging is just not
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  being heard. Maybe they're not explaining
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  themselves correctly because what they're going through, it's
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  so undescribable unless you've been through it.
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  I'm talking about mind games. I think at one point or another,
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  we've all been manipulated. We've all been played for as a
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  fool. And for those of us that care,
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  we care too deeply. We hold on too long.
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  And for a few people that I've been listening to lately, I hear
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  it. The hold.
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  The hold that the situation has over them and them holding on,
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  tightening the grip with every attempt.
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  Attempt to make things in their life change.
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  Attempt to make somebody see things differently.
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  Attempt to have other people get on board, see their side, their
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  perspective. It's funny, for most of us, we
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  don't want toxic relationships, but we also don't understand
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  them. We don't understand when we get
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  into them. We don't understand why we don't
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  see them for what they are. And we don't understand why it
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  is that when we are out of them, we're tempted to go back.
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  It's all so confusing. I know I have been in so many of
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  these relationships. They're cyclical.
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  One minute you have a glimpse of what's real, what's not OK, and
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  then another minute you think, I can't imagine life without this
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  person or without this relationship.
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  Maybe I just need to give it one more shot now.
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  For me, I'm lucky it didn't happen with my marriage.
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  My ex, he's awesome. He's just not right for me right
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  now. He was perfect for me when I was
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  younger, when I needed stability, safety, a soft place
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  to land. But now I know myself better.
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  I know what it is that I'm looking for finally.
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  But that came with me realizing that a lot of these toxic
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  relationships that were outside of my marriage, I wasn't seeing
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  them for what they were early enough to get out of them.
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  It only took so many months or years getting distance that I
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  started to see things clearly. So whenever I hear somebody
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  that's in it, invested in things changing things, being what the
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  ideal dream would be for them to have happen, I know.
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  I know what they're going through.
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  They feel like nobody understands them.
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  Instead, people question their choices.
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  They wonder why this person would stay in the situation.
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  So instead of getting the facts, asking questions, they assume or
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  judge. And for some people, that makes
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  them retreat, makes them not speak about it for fear that
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  it's embarrassing, shameful. Nobody hears the mixed messages
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  and the false promises they're being told.
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  Those are the things that makes them hold out hope, makes them
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  stay stuck and confused. Instead, they hear openly or
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  between the lines. Why don't you get it?
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  This person, he's just not that into you or this person doesn't
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  have any regard for you or wouldn't you want to be treated
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  better? Don't you want better for
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  yourself? And I guess it comes down to
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  self love, self respect, all the self stuff, right?
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  But at the time when you're in it, you don't know that you're a
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  people pleaser designed to make everyone feel comfortable at
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  your own expense. You don't know that your ability
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  to care is the exact thing that somebody preys on.
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  They see it as their way in your vulnerable spot.
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  Your vulnerability is their access point.
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  But the thing about me, once I realized this, I never wanted to
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  change. I didn't want to change because
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  other people around me were I guess, evil doers.
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  I wanted to stay the same, but just see things clearly and
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  quickly. So when I hear somebody that's I
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  feel like they're in quicksand, I want to pull them out.
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  Maybe that's what this podcast is all about, me trying to pull
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  everybody out of the quicksand, letting them know that they're
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  not alone, Letting them know that you need to get aware,
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  aware of your surroundings, where that somebody is not
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  coming to save you. You need to save yourself.
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  Speaking of quicksand, I've watched plenty of videos of how
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  to save yourself when you're caught in it.
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  And for these people that are going through this, that's what
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  they're going to have to do. They're going to have to figure
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  it out, figure out what maybe they never wanted to see in the
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  1st place is that all of their kindness, caring, generosity of
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  spirit, they're giving, giving of themselves, time, money, what
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  have you. It's not going to make other
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  people see you differently. Those people, they know who you
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  are right away. And for some of us, we're easy
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  marks. That's not easy to say and it's
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  harder to accept, but I think once you release the whole ego
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  aspect, it gets easier. I was reading this book by
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  Picasso's girlfriend. She was his life partner for, I
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  don't know, a decade or so. And it was so hard to listen to.
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  Her story sounded so much like stories that I've had in my
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  life, not to the degree hers was so much worse, so much so that
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  it was hard for me to listen. I kept wanting to Fast forward,
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  but I sat through it. I sat through listening to all
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  of the abuse that Picasso was dishing out to this young,
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  beautiful girl in her early 20s and he in his 60s.
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  I just saw the disparity, the cruelty.
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  Nothing about that relationship seemed balanced to me.
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  Here she looked up to him, and he saw that as his way in, his
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  power over her, his way to manipulate.
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  And he did. He manipulated her until she saw
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  it, until she finally figured out what maybe she didn't want
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  to believe for so long, which is this is unsustainable.
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  This is torture. It's killing my peace.
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  For some of us, we need breaking points.
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  We need to get to a point where things are so bad, so bleak,
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  where we don't recognize ourselves, we don't know how we
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  got here, that we start to pull ourselves out little by little,
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  recognizing signs that this isn't OK, being spoken to like
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  this isn't OK Being loved like this, I don't want.
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  If this is love, I'm OK. You can have it.
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  That's when you let the light in.
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  It's in those small moments and glimpses of what is real and
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  what you know to be true that you start to get out.
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  You start to break free for yourself.
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  For my friend, I know she's listening and I hope she knows
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  that I'm talking about her. I want so badly for her to just
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  pull herself out. I think a lot of people that
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  were around me when I was becoming undone wanted me to be
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  pulled out. I think a lot of people wanted
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  to shake me, but I needed to wake up on my own.
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  I needed people around me to just give me the space to
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  understand that what I was going through was so confusing.
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  It was confusing for me. It was confusing to be around,
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  and I didn't recognize myself. And for other people that are
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  being manipulated, gaslit, stonewalled, you name it, it's
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  like a silent torture. But when you awaken and you let
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  awareness in, everything becomes so clear and it is so confusing
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  because the how did I get here kicks in.
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  That's the moment where you want to let in this self loathing.
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  But I resisted. I let myself cry here, there and
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  maybe everywhere. But ultimately I resisted any
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  negative talk. I had no time for that.
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  I just had to figure out how could this have happened and how
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  could I make sure this never happened again.
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  So I read, I read about narcissist psychopaths, I read
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  about relationships that were awful.
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  Frida Kahlo's relationship to Diego Rivera, well that was the
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  most difficult read I've ever had to listen to.
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  It was painful hearing what people will accept and endure in
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  the name of a relationship. I guess now I realize that the
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  relationship that I value the most is the relationship I have
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  with myself. My relationship to my time, what
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  I view as self respect, my peace, dignity and collectively
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  it culminates into self love. I guess the best way for me to
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  explain awareness is to explain the gift that it brought to my
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  life. In so many situations and
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  relationships, whether it be romantic or with family, friends
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  or at work. It was like I was asleep and
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  letting other people drive. But I learned, and sometimes it
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  takes the most toxic relationships or environments to
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  jolt us awake. So I guess to close, I'll go
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  back to the story of Francois Gilo and Pablo Picasso.
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  This is the last paragraph in her memoir that she wrote with
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  Carlton Lake. Pablo had told me that first
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  afternoon I visited him alone that he felt our relationship
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  would bring light into both of our lives.
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  My coming to him, he said, seemed like a window that was
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  opening up, and he wanted it to remain open.
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  I did too, as long as it let in the light.
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  When it no longer did, I closed it, much against my own desire.
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  From that moment on, he burned all the bridges that connected
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  me to the past I shared with him.
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  But in doing so, he forced me to discover myself and thus to
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  survive. I shall never cease being
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  grateful to him for that. After hearing the end of the
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  book, that last paragraph, I went back and I listened to it
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  again and again. I related so much to it.
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  There was a beauty in becoming aware, even though it's hard to
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  reconcile the relationships that bring us to our lowest point but
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  then make us aware. Aware that things can't stay the
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  same, we can't stay the same, and that things are going to
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  have to change, starting with what we can change.
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  Taking that single action, whatever that might be.
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  Maybe it's choosing not to show up the way you usually do in
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  movies. So often the villain is redeemed
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  by the person that cares about him, sees his hidden potential.
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  And I think that that's what confuses us.
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  We believe that what's possible in fiction can be real.
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  We learn it from a young age to invest in somebody's potential,
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  see the best in somebody, inspire them to be better.
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  But sometimes that isn't our role.
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  And sometimes people are who they are and they don't want to
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  change. They don't even know what
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  they're doing and that they need to change.
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  It's only with awareness that you come to know yourself.
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  You come to know others. You become clear on what you can
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  and cannot do, and you accept people as they are, and you let
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  go of their hidden potential and their glimpses of goodness and
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  you see how they're showing up. And then you decide you can
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  close the window after letting in the light.
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  Because it doesn't matter what the other person does, sees, or
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  chooses. It only matters what you choose.
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  And sometimes letting go and waking up is the gift.
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  Thanks for listening to Season 6.
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  Next up, season 7. In the meantime, catch up on
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  past episodes and click Follow, Like and Subscribe.