Latest / Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour / Inside The Consulting Room. Ep. 7.Emotional Parentification The Child Who Carries The Family

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Inside The Consulting Room. Ep. 7.Emotional Parentification The Child Who Carries The Family · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: This is Kim Lee, and this is episode seven from Inside the Consulting Room.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: This episode is about the child who had to look after his mother.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: When he arrived, he sat down but sat forward in his chair and he was alert, attentive, watching closely, not in the way that children usually watch with curiosity or playfulness, but with something else.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: It was almost like a sense of he was taking responsibility, although there was another element of it that somehow it was as if he was assessing, monitoring, alert to ensuring that he would make everything all right, or that everything was alright.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: Children aren't meant to carry the emotional weight of adults.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: They're not meant to be the ones who steady things inside the family, or the ones who notice distress, first of all, or the ones who respond before anyone asks.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: And yet, in some families, sometimes something shifts quietly and gradually and almost invisibly.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: And the child begins to take on a role that was never meant to be theirs.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: And this episode is about a boy who's become the emotional, not just support, but caregiver for his mother.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Jacob was twelve years old when he was referred to me by his GP for therapy.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: And his mother described him as thoughtful and caring and exceptionally mature.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: But she also expressed concern.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: That was that Jacob worried constantly about her.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: If she seemed tired, he noticed.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: If she was upset, he asked questions.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: If she withdrew, he stayed close.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: And at school, teachers observed that Jacob struggled to concentrate.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: His attention seemed divided, as though part of him was always somewhere else.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: Now, from a clinical perspective, we think about the notion of separation anxiety and what that signifies in the child and caregiver attachment.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes what can happen is a dynamic known as emotional parentification, almost a kind of role reversal within the attachment relationship where the child assumes the responsibility for being the emotional container or caregiver.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: So that rather than receiving the emotional containment, Jacob, as is the case for other children, had become the one providing it.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this often occurs when a parent is experiencing depression, emotional vulnerability.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: They are maybe the people who are in relationships that are abusive or coercive.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: The child perceives this and becomes the emotional stabilizer.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: But this comes at a cost because children aren't supposed to do that, and also they don't have the tools to do that.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: So the child's own dependency needs are suppressed, and the internal world becomes organized around the well-being of the parent.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: What occurs to me very often is that this is a survival mechanism.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: Children need to ensure that their caregivers are okay because their caregivers ultimately are responsible for ensuring the child's emotional survival.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's a primitive thing.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: But imagine the pressure and the strain that that places upon the child.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: Jacob's mother had experienced an incredibly difficult period following separation from his father.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: There'd been loneliness and extreme emotional exhaustion, moments of withdrawal, and although there was nothing overly chaotic, it was enough for a sensitive child to be aware of.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: But a sensitive child who didn't have the adult mechanisms and understanding to see that what she was experiencing was something that he wasn't equipped to respond to.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: He'd noticed the changes.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: Silence where there had been conversation, fatigue, where there had been energy.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: And gradually he adapted.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: He stayed close, he checked, and he became careful.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because somewhere in his developing mind a belief had formed.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: Now from the very first session, Jacob's orientation was not towards himself, but it was towards me.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: He watched closely, noticing tone or shift in expression.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: If I paused to listen, Jacob filled the silence.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: If I asked a question, he answered quickly, almost preemptively.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: So although I had noticed these things, there was a point at which I have had to try and translate this or help he and I both see a context that might help explain.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, Jacob, what's it like at home in the evenings?
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: And he replied immediately and said, It's fine.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: Mum's just tired sometimes.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, So when she's tired, what's that like for you?
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: And what do you do?
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: And he said, I just sit with her.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: And then he said, I just make sure she's okay.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: Now what was important here was noticing the fact that there was no mention of what that was like for him.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: And his preoccupation and his attention was directly turned towards her.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Now I want to make it very clear at this point that in no way is this a criticism of Jacob's mother, who I met on a number of occasions and who I could see was struggling deeply.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: Now several sessions later, I asked him, Well, what happens when you're not okay?
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: What happens when you're looking after m and you're paying really close attention to her, but actually you're not feeling okay?
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: And he said, I I don't really get like that.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: And so I said, Well, no, okay, but what do you think might happen if if you did get like that, who do you think you would turn to?
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: And he was unable to answer, and I said, Look, I just wonder if there's not much space for you to be Jacob.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: And he said, if I get upset, it makes things worse.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: And this was one of those moments where letting go of the defenses that he had developed to hold him together were starting to fall away because I guess he was experiencing that it was okay for him, although tentatively okay, to be with a grown-up who he didn't have to look after, and a grown up who didn't try and correct him, but who wasn't lured into Jacob's necessary coping mechanisms.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: He wasn't challenged about what he believed directly because that doesn't help.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, it was a question of acknowledging and creating a space for his emotional experience.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: Naming small things like that sounds like a lot to carry for a small person.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: That to me sounds like something a big person needs to do.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: And it seems also like you're so aware of how other people feel.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: Over time, Jacob began to speak differently, less about managing and more about experiencing.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: And one afternoon he said, I feel really tired today.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, What kind of tired?
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: And he said, like, I'm tired of everyone else.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, That's that that's interesting.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: Tired of everyone else in what kind of way?
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: He said, Because I think about them all the time.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, Well, it seems to me that that's something that you're very good at, but it's incredibly hard work because it is you're right, it's so tiring.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: I said that there are times when, and quite often I'll work with parents.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: So alongside the work with Jacob, sessions were held with his mother, and these were handled with great care because I was very alert to the fact that as a mother who was struggling, she may experience guilt as if she was being confronted with her ineptitude, which clearly that wasn't the case.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: A kind of look what you've done to your child, and that was never ever my intention.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: So, what I wanted was to offer her some understanding.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: So I talked with her about the concept of affect regulation within attachment relationships, which in simple language means who's responsible for whose feelings.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I helped her to understand that children rely on adults not just for practical care but for emotional containment.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: And she listened really carefully.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I was trying to offer her something from a safe distance.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: I was trying this is what psychoeducation is about.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: It was about explaining the needs of children and how sometimes, for all manner of reasons, we can't see that or respond to it.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: And that's not a fault.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: But once we recognize it, it becomes possible to perhaps change the tone.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: And she said, I think he worries about me more than I realized.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this is important because she was fortunately able to say so from a position of recognition and not guilt, and that recognition is the point at which it becomes possible to change.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: Now, small shifts were introduced, and that had to do with her becoming more emotionally available and reassuring Jacob that her feelings were manageable, which allowed him to step back to some extent from the caregiving role, but it took time.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: I said to her, as I've said to many parents, I can see, or rather, helping her to say, I can see that you care about me a lot, and sometimes you worry about me, and I understand that, but actually that's that's not your job.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I have someone who can help me.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: I have someone who I can talk to who can help me.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: And very often what I will suggest to mothers and fathers is that they say, in the same way that Kim helps you, I think he can help me too.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: And so that means you don't have to worry about whether or not I'm okay.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, Yes, I have.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: And he said, Can I see it?
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, Yes, you can.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, What do you want to see on it?
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: And he said, Do you have Minecraft?
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: Sadly I do, and I'm not very good at it.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: But the children who might teach me, I use it as a therapeutic medium, amongst others, seem to delight in the fact that this is something they can they can use and show me my ineptitude, which I think is very, very important, because through that something changes in the power balance in the therapeutic relationship.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I smiled at him and said, You look so much more relaxed today.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: And he said, Well, mum said I don't have to worry about her anymore, and then said, she said, that's her job and yours, which I have to say was delightful.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: Here was a child who was clearly unburdened, and his mother had done a great job in doing that, and she'd done it from the position of understanding.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: I referred her to a colleague of mine who is particularly skilled and who works in a very similar way to me, and she's someone who I hold in very high regard.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: And she took care of Jacob's mother and became the grown-up who was the emotional container and caretaker.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: And this, of course, freed Jacob to just be Jacob, which was wonderful.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: You see, the thing is, children who become emotional carers quite often appear strong, but there's strength has been built on a kind of sacrifice, and it's the loss of being able to depend on or to lean on or to be held emotionally.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: Inside the consulting room, Jacob began to rediscover something essential, and that was that he didn't have to hold everything together.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: He could be free to be him and play Minecraft and show me how rubbish I am at it.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: Inside the consulting room, some children discover something they have never known.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: What it feels to be looked after.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.