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Choosing Joy : The Key to Unlocking Personal and Professional Growth · Hey Docs!

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Welcome to the Haydocks Podcast with your host Jill Allen. In today's episode,
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we're diving deep into the essence of joy with an amazing guest, Amanda Gore,
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who is an award winning motivational speaker. She brings a unique perspective on
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how joy not only enriches our personal lives, but significantly enhances performance and relationships,
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especially among high achieving professionals. Stay tuned as we explore the science of
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happiness, practical steps to cultivating joy, and the transformative impact it can have
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within teams and organizations. Let's get started by now we all know I talk
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to a lot of doctors and give advice to practices in every stage of their
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life cycle. And one question my docs ask all the time is who do
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All right, Amanda. I am so excited to have you here on
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Haydock's with us, and in the event that somebody does not know who you
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are, I would love it if you would tell us a little bit about
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yourself, your journey that has led you to focus on joy as a cornerstone
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of success and fulfillment in what you do. Well, thanks Jill for having
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me. It'll be a really short story because I haven't really ever done anything
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exciting or exotic and not climbed mountains or done anything like that. I started
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off as a physical therapist. You call them physical therapists, but actually I'm
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a physiotherapist and in Australia we do a whole lot more than physical therapists here,
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So a physiotherapist is a combination of respiratory therapist, a physical therapist and
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then name any other therapist in the hospital, post surgical, all sorts of
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things like that. So I went from that into ergonomics and occupational health.
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And while I was there, I co authored a book, and I had
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been doing a lot of training anyway within organizations. And then someone invited me
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to speak on a conference based on the book, and there was a man
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there who was a professional speaker from America. I didn't even know you could
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be a speaker, so I'm just a physio heading to this event. And
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afterwards he said to me, you should be a speaker, and I said,
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well, speaker, and then he mentored me into the business. And
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I was very blessed because he's still the best speaker I've ever seen. He's
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dead now, but he was Ron Tacky, the best speaker I've ever seen.
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So he mentored me, and thirty five years later, here I am
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still speaking. But I got onto joy to answer your question by mistake again,
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Really, I didn't know I was going to be talking about joy.
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I was talking about wellness. And stress became a big thing, and so
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I did a lot of research into that, and then stress is caused by
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communication and by relationships, and I became a master practitioner of neural linguistics,
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and I studied for thirty five years with a man called Michael Grinder, whom
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you should interview one day. He's probably the world's leading authority on nonverbal communication.
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I've loved and he's brilliant. What he taught me is the enormous difference
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between the content. So when you're interacting with other people or presenting to other
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people, the content has to be relevant, appropriate, up to date,
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blah blah blah. It's the process that's the magic that makes the content stick.
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Michael was a wonderful mentor, and I started speaking about relationships, communication
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and all manner of stress related things. And then I don't even know how
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it happened. I just kind of knew one day I was supposed to write
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a book on joy and I'm like, oh, okay then, And I've
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never had trouble writing a book before. I've written a few. But I
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could not write this book. And I tried and I tried, and I
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just couldn't write it. So one day, my then husband and I had
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moved to Vermont and my mom had just died. So I woke up one
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day and I had this bizarre dream or vision or something in which she's said
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to me, I will put together a writing committee. You meditate every morning
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and we'll download the book. And I went, I think I drank too
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much last night, and you know, oh this unusual. And however,
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a couple of days later, I thought I might as well try it.
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Nothing else has worked. So I sat down, I meditated, and I
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went to the computer and for five hours I wrote about I don't know,
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thirty thirty five pages. And that's in about five weeks the book was done,
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so it just flowed out. And then from there and this was before
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and it's called Joy's an Inside Job, and it was before the research on
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happiness had started, so I was ahead of my time, really, but
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that's how I ended up talking about joy. And now there's you know,
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under a lot of areenas, and some of your listeners might have in fact
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heard me speak at a couple of Authoprenerve and some other orthodontic type events.
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Nice people, good fun people. Yeah, we do for sure well,
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And this is why I wanted to have you on. I think so many
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times we can just get so into our day to day motion, you know,
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of life and all the stressors that come in. It can be really
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hard for people to recognize joy, or recognize happiness, or even to maybe
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even see that there is room in their lives for that. So I'm wondering
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if you can explain, I don't know, some of the neuroscience behind joy
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and the impact that it actually has on our performance and relationships. Well,
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it's profound in its impact, because you know, I consider happiness is something
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that people say, I'll be happy when joy can be present in every moment.
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And it's as simple at times as saying, today I choose joy.
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And don't get me wrong, I have not sorted my life out. I
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don't wake up every morning and go, wow, I'm so joyful. I
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don't know what I'm going to do today. I have to consciously do it
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too and instract myself basically that today I'm going to choose joy. But what
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you were talking about is this mishmash of all of us are getting caught up
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into the hamster wheel of busyness. And when we're busy, busy, busy,
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busy, this is one aspect of it. So when we're busy,
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busy, we don't take time to stop and breathe. I mean, it's
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spring here in Charlottesville at the moment, and the hyacinth and the daffodils are
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just exquisite. And I'll be walking along and you know, other people are
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walking they got dogs and they just waiting for the dog to pooh and then
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they move on. I'm walking along, bending down, smelling the hyacinth,
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looking at the daffodils and if they're a Jont calls stopping and smelling those.
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And you know, it's taken me a long time to get out of my
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hamster wheel stage and forcing myself to slow down. As my other mentor,
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David Martin says, to the speed of consciousness. Oh no, I find
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for me if I smell things, it's a really big deal. So I've
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bought two gardenia bushes since I've been here because I just love the smell of
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gardenias. And I bought one a couple of weeks ago, and it's got
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one blossom on it, you know. And if you're listening and you're thinking,
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man, she's like, simple, that's what joy is. I get
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such pleasure out of smelling the extraordinary beautiful scent that it kind of settles me
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and grounds me in. The olfactory system is very potent for elisting memories and
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embedding memories too, and it gives us a sense of home and where we
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feel safe and comfortable. So there's science behind that smell. It's not just
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I'm a smell of freak. There's actually signce behind it. And the research
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is showing that if you've got a joyful work environment and you enjoy what you
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do, you're thirty one percent more productive, and you're one hundred and fifty
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percent less likely to have burnout, and you sell thirty seven percent more.
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And I know this is orthodontis, and they're all going to go, oh,
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we don't sell pigs us. You don't sell, you sell up the
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wazoo. You sell pain. What's more like physios? You know, people
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don't say, WHOA, I'm paying free. I think I'll just pop along
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to the physio to stay pain free. No, they come to us and
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they have limbs that don't move, and we cause excruciating pain a lot of
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the time. So selling is part of everything that we do in many ways.
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So from that respect, having a joyful workplace also lessens your stress load
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because you're down a bickering mostly female teams, and you know, once they
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get going and you start to get the little bitchy sessions over here, and
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this posse hates that posse, and you might as well stab yourself in the
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eye. So consciously creating environments in which people are fear free and joy filled
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transforms your workplace. Oh I love that And what a concept. And I
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think that is a tough thing a lot of times in our practices to be
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able to find that harmony within a practice. And so I'm kind of curious,
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what do you think are some simple practices that doctors or office managers or
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individuals can do to kind of help cultivate that within their personal life, within
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their business office life. The saddest thing I see is when I see a
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doc who's got into this to be a practitioner for the next twenty years,
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and by your ten they're so burnt out and miserable, their teams are miserable
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that they're just ready to throw in the towel and be done. Yes,
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the core root of it all will take a bit of time to explain,
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but I can because it is at the core root of everything. It's kind
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of like two ends. One is where you are now if you're miserable as
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the CEO of the organization, which is what you are, and you might
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as well think about yourselves as that because you are You are the CEO.
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You're providing the services, yes, and you've built a team around you,
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but you're the CEO of that team. You can't just shaft it all off
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to your practice manager because the practice manager doesn't own the practice. And unless
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you make it a profit sharing practice, which is not a bad idea,
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then people don't have the same vest and interest in it as you do.
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So just recognize that number one human nature. Number two, if you're miserable,
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stress rushing, never happy with anything anybody does, you will create a
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really miserable, angry, hostile group of people working as your team. It's
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not a team, let me to share with you. They're only doing it
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because they need a job and they're not the people you want. But if
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you're at the top and you're not creating a joy filled, fear free place,
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then what do you expect? And what we're not taught? I used
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to teach on a lot of MBAs because they don't teach what I teach,
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which is who are you dealing with? You know, we say we've got
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a team, Well, we've kind of separated humanity out and we got this
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team, like it's a machine. Well it's not a machine. You've got
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a bunch of humans. You're working with humans, and we forget we're working
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with humans, and humans haven't really changed in the last three thousand year.
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All humans want to feel that someone cares for them, especially their boss.
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All humans want to We don't even go through the simple exercise of saying who
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was the best boss I ever had? So, if you're an orthodontist,
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presumably you haven't just leapt out of college and gone into your own practice,
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because wow, I would not want to go to you. Sorry, just
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say yeah, I would want some experience. Presumably you've worked for other orthodontists.
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Well, pick the best one you ever worked for, and then think
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what made them the best boss? And I guarantee it wasn't as they said
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to you. We must use this technique and we must see twenty seven patients
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every minute to make everything work. Well. The bosses orthodontists who cared for
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you, you felt cared for you, knew that they were helping you grow
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and develop. You knew that they were giving you an opportunity, and you,
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in turn were grateful and you weren't entitled. Like pain in the neck,
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A lot of younger people are just saying sorry, I know I'm old,
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but that's what I get to pek back from millions of people I'm talking
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to and almost every company. And so it's this fine blend of you've got
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to get yourself into a good state, and as a boss, you don't
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have the luxury of a miserable day. All the research you're sewing being realistically
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optimistic. So come into the office optimistically, walk in with a good morning
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and looking happy, not good morning with thunder behind your voice. Because whenever
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you're irritated with someone or upset or stressed, it comes out through your voice,
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tones of vocal variety, micro muscle, microcolor, changes in your face,
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and you're breathing. So you think him are hiding a miserable state.
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You're not, and people will be on guard. Go whill is in a
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bad mood today? Steer clear today, she's fouled today. They know it's
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that level of you've got to be in a good state. So you need
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to have skills that put you into a good state, and remind me in
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the second, I'll do a couple of them. Then you need to actually
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truly value the people working with you. And care for them and tell them,
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give them lots of feedback, give them encouragement. If you're giving them
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the encouragement, then when you have to or the office manager has to adjust
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something, it's usually much better. Make sure your office managers are doing this
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too. This isn't just you. Your office managers are reflection of you.
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And if you have to get involved, because I know what you're like,
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most Orthodonis, they just sit there and I just don't want to know.
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It's like I just want the office manager to and all those people things because
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it's way too hard. I just want to do teeth. Just let me
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be in my little room here with my little machines and make sure nothing's being
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stolen and the prices are down and where functioning is a business. But I
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actually really don't want to do that. So can you do that, office
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manager? Well, you can if you value the office manager enough and you
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pay them enough and you treat them well. There's a company called Barry Weymeller.
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It's a manufacturing company, multi billion dollar global company. It's grown through
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acquisition, which is very unusual to have a great culture grown through acquisition.
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However, the current owner of the company is privately owned. Bob Chapman wrote
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a book called Everybody Matters, and that is a great book to have.
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And my ex husband's book, The People Pill by Ken Wright is also a
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great book because Ken's is a very simple, easy, practical tools book.
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He's still one of the best leaders I've ever met. And Bob Chapman's essentially
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infuses leaders with the idea that they are in charge of someone else's beloved child.
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So he gets all of his leadership to view everyone else as someone else's
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precious child. And when you treat them like that, people feel cared for
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and you just can't get away from it. We're dealing with humans, and
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here's the big if you pretty much every adult you see is really a toddler
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walking around in a grown up body. So you can know what I'm not.
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I'm a mature person, yeah right now. And Emson really dealt with
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the core unconscious beliefs that nine nine point nine nine percent of humans have,
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because that's part of our human journey. Then you will be a toddler walking
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around in a grown up body. And I didn't think I'd be drawing anything,
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but let me see if I can find something and draw out a bit
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of a sketch for you. So if you think about a series of concentric
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circles, that's going to be messy. So keep breathing if you don't like
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messy. And these concentric circles in the middle of this circle is the essence
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of you who you were when you were born. If any of you have
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had children, or you've seen a child, or you've been around a toddler
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or a baby that's fairly newly born, you know they're not miserable. They
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don't pop out and go life sucks, everything's awful. Babies don't do that.
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You know. They have a roller coaster of emotions. But generally speaking,
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how happy and joyful are babies? That joy is a blend of wonder.
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You know. They see a ladybug and I was like, whoa,
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And all we've got to do is look at him and go whoa, And
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they all go whoa. And then you walk in the door at night and
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they see you come in and they hurl themselves towards you as if you are
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the son and you've just come home, you know, after a billion years
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away, and your heart bursts with joy at that time. So digress,
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it's really important to spend time with your children, really important because you will
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not get those years back, and when they're toddlers, you walk on water
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for them, so it's absolutely critical. Anyway, that's the beautiful essence with
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which you were born. Then the next concentric circle is for the years zero
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to seven. So with this essence, this is you basically as a brand
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new computer, state of the art, fabulous computer. It's got all the
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bells and whissels, everything works perfectly, and you're running on a source soure
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ce code. That's the code on the computer. So this level of zero
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to seven, we know in epigenetics that between zero to seven, as of
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toddler, we embed the stories that we tell ourselves that will rule the rest
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of our lives. So I'll share with you in a minute what the three
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core fears are, but i'll just explain in concept how they work. So
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between zero to seven, it isn't that someone else necessarily tells you something about
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yourself. It's how you, as a toddler, perceives an environment or something
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that's gone on around you. So how much ability does a toddler have to
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understand every different perspective that's going on. Not much how much. None.
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None, Because for toddlers, they're egocentric. Everything is as a consequence of
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them. I got the trifector of these core fears, not that I knew
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I had the trifector until I start to see patterns in my life because between
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zero to seven income these fears, and I call them malware. So now
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we've got malware. This is very dodgy. I do have flipped outs over
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there. But so now we've got malware which corrupts the source code and every
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other aspect of our lives, every relationship, every job, every experience,
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everything that happens to us is run on what do you think the source code
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or the corrupted code corrupted? And it isn't until you start to see patterns
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in your life that you can get a sense of hmm, that's malware based.
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So in a computer, you don't know that malway has been inserted.
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Initially, you got no clue. It isn't until the malware has spread out
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and got little pussballs all over the place that you start to see glitches that
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become more and more significant, until you get to the point where you go,
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wow, there's something wrong with this computer, something wrong. And that's
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what we're like in life. You know, we go through life and things
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happen. Things happen, and it isn't until either somebody teaches you this or
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you start to see patterns. In my life, it was relationships, you
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know, two marriages and two or three engagements, and finally at sixty I
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start to work with David Martin or sixty two, and I recognized, hmm,
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what's the common denominator in all of these relationships? And I had to
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start looking at it. So let's go into the three core fears, because
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nine out of ten times, if you've got super high achieving entrepreneurial types like
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the people listening that would be you out there, it's because they have the
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trifecta of the three core fears. And it's also really really important to pay
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attention to these because if any of you have children, you've got children too.
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I do. I have two grown children, and then I've got two
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grand babies. Yes, Breda, starting your four you're making me feel good?
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Are your course? Well you could have blown me away, so okay,
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this is important for your grand babies. But even though your children are
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grown, if your children between zero to seven, you can jump in before
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these core fears come in, and these core fears are the things that stop
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humans feeling good about themselves. And if you can raise a child that leaves
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home feeling good about themselves, you have done a fabulous job of parenting.
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It's not about where they're going to be a doctor or dentist, a lawyer
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or whatever. It's about do they feel good about themselves, because then they
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can do anything. So let's go back to the three core fore years.
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The first is I am not worth loving. And it's a double whammy this
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one. It goes with I am not good enough. Now, every single
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human being on the planet is worth loving just because he and every single human
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being is good enough, because that's where they are. They're on a journey,
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and we're all on a journey. And I'm sixty nine now and I'm
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still on the bloody journey. You know, cropped up again this week.
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Even so, because when the malwars inserted, the longer the malwar's in there,
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the more little pussballs there are everywhere, you've got to kind of keep
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running the malware program over and over and over and over. But first of
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all, you have to know you've got malware. So if you're resonating with
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I'm not good enough or I'm not worth loving, and I don't know that
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I've met one human being who doesn't have this one. The interesting thing is
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that if you don't feel you're good enough, the likelihood is that you will
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drive yourself to prove that you're worth loving and good enough. So for me,
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because I got the trifecta. I had an alcoholic father and a mother
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who was a bit unavailable, and she left for a year when I was
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two, which I didn't know anything about, and I didn't remember my childhood.
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I found all this out later. But what I did was because my
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mum left, Not only did I think I was not worth loving, because
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if I was really lovable, she wouldn't have left, and if I was
24:52
good enough, she wouldn't have left. So that, as a toddlet,
24:56
which is what you do, I took full responsibility for that. And so
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then I said to myself, I was responsible for my mother's happiness, which
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I was responsible for till the day she died when I was fifty four.
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Now I didn't know I was doing that, but that's what was driving it.
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And I also expanded that into I was worthless not just not worth loving,
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and that I was responsible for everyone that I met, ever, which
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turned itself into an incredibly irritating habit of fixing people, particularly husbands. You
25:34
can imagine tell us how appealing that was in a relationship. And you know,
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it took me forever I started realizing I was doing it. But do
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you think I could stop myself. I didn't even catch myself, you know,
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repeated reminders from my now ex but best friend, husband, and me
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sticking notes up everywhere trying to be aware of it. So that's the first
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one. And I topped every year at school. I topped every year at
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college. I got awards, prizes, I'm in the Speaker Hall of Fame.
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I worked myself to death trying to be the best and all that stuff.
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So very typical behavior of someone who's got the first fear. The second
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core fear is I'm unsafe in some way, which is very common if you're
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a child of an alcoholic or mentally unwell parent. So we're going to have
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truckloads of kids coming up with inherent fears being unsafe up to COVID and also
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just being unsafe in the world today. You know, the kids are basically
26:40
terrified, and we really need to try and get rid of that. If
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you're feeling unsafe, then the consequent behaviors are that you become very controlling,
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because the only way we can feel safe is that we control everything and everyone
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around us and every situation. And again, I wasn't conscious I was doing
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that until my poor ex husband pointed out to me once or twice, and
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I was a real smart us and said, well, I'm the one with
27:07
the psychology degree. I know what you're doing. You're projecting in a little
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while to realize there was just a teeny bit of truths in what he said.
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So that's the second one, and then the third one is a fear
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of separation, and it's much deeper than just I don't belong, I don't
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fit in. It can start there, but it's really a much deeper yearning
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to find ourselves because in that zero to seven timeframe, we basically disguise our
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essence with the malware, So we don't know that we're astonishing beings of light
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because that malware has coated it and we sense it deeply. We know,
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deep down that we're astonishing beings of light humans. There is no technology that
27:53
can match human none, and we are astonishing beings of light. And it's
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not being a space get at, it's not being metaphysical. It's the truth.
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When sperm hits the egg, there's a flash of light, it's a
28:06
zinc something or other. But I like to think that's you coming in because
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I'm pretty sure it is. And so what happens is that we have these
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fears operating in the background and we don't know that that's with driving our behavior.
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So it was a really long way of saying, you will drive yourself
28:25
to burn out if you're unaware of the core fears that you have. And
28:29
people can go to my YouTube channel, Amander Gore TV and there's a few
28:33
clips up there on this if they want a bit more information about it.
28:37
But if you're aware of the fears and you can start to pay attention to
28:42
them, then you'll have more control over them. Because you're the one that
28:47
told yourself the story as a toddler, so you're the one that can change
28:51
it. But you have to go back to the toddler and help them feel
28:55
safe. You know, it could be a simple like I was driving somewhere
28:59
with the the other day. She was taking me to the airport and we
29:02
started talking and she didn't think she had any of the fears, or we
29:06
just started talking generally about her childhood. Well, lo and behold she had
29:11
the trifecta. And here's a woman who had a couple of university degrees and
29:15
a PhD and was still putting herself to learn more and had small children.
29:21
And you know, I was like pretty classic. So here's another thing that
29:26
might help the doctors or whoever's listening. This is from Michael Grinda. If
29:32
you imagine three tears in a row in the front chair is the behavior of
29:37
someone at work you want to change or you, So if you want to
29:41
change your behavior or someone at work that's in the front chair, in the
29:45
chair behind it is the fear that's driving that behavior. And there is always,
29:51
always, always, always a fear driving that behavior. And it would
29:53
be one of those three core fears. And no, no, ten times
29:56
it's going to be that I'm not worth loving, or I'm not good enough,
30:00
or that they are not safe. And remember that they've brought these fears
30:04
in with them. So there has to be conscious if it made to create
30:10
a safe and joyful workplace where people aren't picked on, and they feel it's
30:18
okay to speak up, and they're respected and they're acknowledged, and it's not
30:22
really hard. It's not really rocket science, is it, because you're dealing
30:26
with humans. And then in the third chair is the need that if you
30:30
feel the need, you eradicate the fear and you change the behavior. So
30:34
that's a very very simplistic way of looking at it, but also a really
30:40
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Allen and see why countless leading clinics have made the switch. I'm curious to
32:45
know because it almost feels overwhelming as a doctor, as an office manager,
32:52
I may have work to do on myself, let alone. You know,
32:55
now I'm trying to tell my team members to do work on themselves. How
33:00
do you introduce this into the practice and can you talk to that? And
33:06
what that time looks like? It's not that slow. Once you start the
33:12
process, you start to make progress. It takes time to get all the
33:16
little pussballs. But as soon as you recognize in fact, here's a series
33:22
of things. If you decide what story is it that I was telling myself?
33:25
So which are those fears? I'm not good enough, I'm not worth
33:29
loving, I'm safe in some way, and I'm separate, I don't belong
33:34
in, unfit in. So you work out which one did you get the
33:36
trifector or one or two? And then you work out when did it start.
33:42
So instead of going into deep therapy and reliving awful events in your life
33:45
nine hundred times, all you're going to do is get a vague kind of
33:47
an idea, and once you start speaking about it. People have said to
33:52
me so many times, no, I can't remember, no, I can't
33:55
think of anything, and we just start talking about their childhood and bing bing
34:00
bing bing, come all these memories of oh, that's when it started.
34:07
Like a woman a couple of days ago had a sister who was bipolar,
34:12
and when she was five, her parents were so focused on trying to manage
34:15
this child who was very difficult, that this goody two shoes that was there
34:21
ended up being hyper responsible, hyper proving she was worth loving and good enough
34:27
because if she could be gooder and gooder and gooder, mommy and Daddy would
34:30
pay attention to her too. And she was unsafe because the sister was pretty
34:35
unstable, and she would have picked up on the fear of the parents too.
34:38
So recognizing when it started, without going into great depths, just when.
34:45
And then the third question, which is a kicker that David gave me,
34:50
is who benefits? So I was a perfect child. I was miss
34:54
goody two shoes. I always looked after myself, I looked after Mama,
34:58
made sure everybody was happy. I was this painful and shitty childhood. I
35:02
hardly did anything because I was too busy being fabulously responsible. So if you
35:08
recognize when it started, then who benefited? And generally speaking, the only
35:14
way we benefit is that as a consequence of pushing and driving ourselves so hard,
35:21
we have learned a lot of skills along the way. We've learned a
35:24
lot of skills along the way, but in the process we've burned ourselves out,
35:30
or we've burned through several relationships, or we're really difficult to work with
35:36
because we're so particular. So it's this recognition of it hasn't really benefited us
35:43
a great deal, but it probably did benefit your parents in some way.
35:49
And it isn't just your parents that are creating the situation in which you tell
35:54
yourself the story. It could be a teacher, it could be something at
35:58
school, it could be a relative, it could be a friend, and
36:01
it can be a simple pass away comment. But we hear that comment and
36:07
as toddlers, we think it's all about us, and then we tell ourselves
36:12
the story. So once you start to question the story, talk to your
36:16
partners in life about this too, or your siblings, and if you've got
36:21
children, make sure you have the conversation with your children. You can all
36:24
watch my YouTube clips on the fears and then have a discussion about it afterwards.
36:30
So that's the first thing looking at yourself. But when you go to
36:34
work or you can notice really other triggers that you experience that take that particular
36:40
behavioral pattern and bring it on board, and then try to deal with the
36:45
triggers better by taking two big breaths in and out, the old, classic
36:51
but simple and effective way to bust stress. So you just stop and you
36:55
take two big breaths, or you stop and you count to sick slowly and
37:01
then you respond. But the breathings again, you know, so notice your
37:06
triggers. Then breathe two big breaths in and out, and then calm down
37:10
and notice the story you're telling yourself, because the trigger is not the truth.
37:15
The trigger is a prod and suddenly your toddler goes hook. It's not
37:22
you the grown up, it's the toddler. And so reassuring your toddler and
37:28
actually taking time, take fifteen minutes for yourself one day or longer, and
37:34
you sit down and either take a picture of yourself as a toddler or at
37:37
the time something happened, or remember it, and you have that conversation as
37:44
a loving parent about how this toddler is now safe and you love them and
37:49
they're so worth loving and they're so good enough, and they've done a terrific
37:53
job, and thank you very much and I've got you and you can relax
37:58
now, and you might have to have that station five hundred times. So
38:01
that's the orthodontist or the office manager. Once you get to work, really
38:07
it's you're the boss. It's about how much other people know you care about
38:13
them realistically, if you want to get the best out of people. My
38:17
ex husband, ken Wright, who wrote the book The People Pill, was
38:21
a genius with people, a genius and he could get them to do what
38:28
he knew they needed to do, but have them come up with it as
38:32
their idea. And that is one of the greatest skills on earth. I
38:37
couldn't do it. I'm way too blunt. He was just so brilliant and
38:40
he teaches people how to do that in the book. You can go to
38:44
his website Engage, then the number four results dot com and his name's ken
38:50
Wright and you can get the book there. But think about a normal human
38:54
in your life and how they feel cared for. You're interested in them.
39:00
You ask them how they are, and you genuinely wait for the answer.
39:05
If they've got look unhappy or upset, you ask them, are you okay?
39:09
And you listen to them and you don't try to fix the problem.
39:13
Just listen and ask them. Don't try to fix the problem, says the
39:17
goddess are fixing up till now, and then you know, ask them,
39:22
what do you need? How can I support you? People will work really
39:27
well if you let them know you care and you actually support them. And
39:31
if you've got an energy sucker on the team, if you've got someone,
39:36
if you made a mistake when you recruited someone, and you really need to
39:39
think about this before you recruit people. How energy sucking are they? Are
39:45
they people who bring light into the room and energy and enthusiasm or do they
39:50
come into the room and they you know, or they're quiet or something,
39:54
And quiet doesn't mean energy sucking, But look deeper as to why they're quiet,
40:00
because they might be very insecure, or they could be very confident.
40:05
You're not sure, but explore that. So if you have employed someone who's
40:08
an energy sucker that you know doesn't do the job and complaints and moans and
40:14
groans, and one energy sucker in the whole group will suck the entire group
40:19
down, and it's your responsibility to give them an opportunity to change, to
40:24
let them know what they're doing to the team and if they don't get rid
40:29
of them, because when you let them stay, you send a message to
40:32
everybody else. Or why should I work hard? Why should I be bright
40:36
and happy? She gets away with nothing. I'm going to do it.
40:39
Why should I work hard? You just can't afford to do it. And
40:43
then one of the other key things is to create a culture of gratitude.
40:47
And when you have team meetings, make sure that there's a new ritual that
40:52
everyone around the table has to answer the question what's the thing you're most grateful
40:57
for since we last met? And you'll one question that you've got to ask
41:01
it though at every meeting they have to know that the first thing they're going
41:07
to have to say is what's the thing they're most grateful for since we last
41:09
met? Because it changes at the quantum level. It changes the energy in
41:15
the field. And the more you can build gratitude into a day, the
41:19
more you can encourage team members to do a shout out or give one of
41:23
their colleagues at tada where you're catching people who are doing something right. And
41:30
I like to say to people, get a fishball. People write on a
41:32
little piece of paper or a business card, black business card, the name
41:37
of a person they saw doing something great, and then what they saw,
41:42
and that all goes into the fishbowl, and at the end of a month,
41:45
you pull a winner out of the fishbowl and you read out who acknowledge
41:50
them and why, and they win a block of chocolate or something. It
41:53
doesn't have to be big, but that changes everything because now which you're fostering
41:59
is encouraging people there to look for other people doing good and then to acknowledge
42:04
that they're not hard things to do. If you just think of human beings,
42:09
the most important thing in the world is how you feel about yourself.
42:13
Because of that, the number one thing that humans want is recognition and acknowledgment.
42:19
So how many different ways can you find to acknowledge and recognize your team
42:24
and individuals in the team as well, so both their team and individuals in
42:29
the team, and in simple, inexpensive ways, make everybody feel a really
42:37
valued, important part of the organization. Ken used to do this. He
42:40
would go and just find somebody in the office and say, let's go and
42:45
have a coffee. And he used to call them coffee chats, but I'd
42:49
like to call them joy chats. And he would take them off and buy
42:53
them a cup of coffee and say how's everything going. What's going well?
42:58
And he would encourage them to set tell me all the things that are happening
43:00
that are going well, and all the things you're happy with yourself about and
43:05
is there anything that you think you could do better? That sort of thing.
43:08
And I know how the other donors were, I've got time to do
43:12
that. Well, get your office manager to do it. And she's going
43:15
to say, I'm good. Time to do that, Well, you don't
43:17
have time not to do it. Really. That's something that I really encourage
43:22
my doctors to do, is you know, meet with their team members,
43:24
you know, ideally at least once a month and have those mini check ins
43:29
where we're finding out about them. But also, you know, I think
43:34
it's a time for doctors to be able to say what do you need from
43:37
me? Because I think so many times our team members don't have that platform
43:44
too in a safe space without you know, a group of people around.
43:49
You know, maybe it's who knows what it could be. I'd like more
43:52
training on leadership. I would like to learn this or that or as leaders
43:58
in a practice. And you know, and I love this idea of trying
44:02
to come at your life from a joyful position. If we are asking our
44:08
team members to do the same in our practice, we also need to give
44:13
them, like you said, you know, safe space and to be able
44:15
to you know, to do some of that. So I'm kind of curious
44:19
as we, you know, are starting to finish up here and you have
44:22
just been given us so much advice. But if you were to, you
44:25
know, start to wrap it up and say, Okay, if I had
44:29
three things that I'd like to leave my doctors with, what would those be
44:32
in regard to doing the work on yourself to bring and find joy in your
44:38
life, but then also doing the work within your practice to help your team
44:44
members see joy within their work environment. Well, I've just started. Because
44:49
I don't have set speeches. I really tailored things and I learned new stuff
44:53
and I weave it into the next presentation I do, or something happens to
44:57
me and I weave it in. So just the other day, up with
45:00
the ABC of joy and the first stands for awareness inside and emotional intelligence.
45:08
The easiest definition of emotional intelligence is know yourself, manage yourself, and manage
45:14
relationships. So unless you've got that awareness inside you that these stories live in
45:21
there in the toddler and that they're ruling your life and it's not working that
45:27
well for you, because leading an adult life as a toddler doesn't work so
45:31
well. Ever, So with that awareness inside, you can decide what to
45:36
do with those fears, and you want to try and get rid of them,
45:42
which means you have to the child and you calm that inner toddler down
45:46
and you really have a good conversation with them, and if they were abused
45:51
in some way as a child, then you imagine yourself as an adult back
45:54
at that abuse time. You say to the toddler part of you, you
45:59
stand behind me, I've got this, and then you go for the throat
46:02
of the person who's abusive as an adult and you protect that child. So
46:08
these are pretend things to be doing, but very effective in terms of neuroscience,
46:14
because you can settle the child down and then you have to learn to
46:17
be a grown up without those core fears. So that awareeness inside is a
46:22
b is breathe. So first thing that happens when you get stressed is you
46:28
stop breathing. You breathe very high and shallow. You don't get oxygen to
46:30
the brain. You can't think and nothing works. So that's the first bee.
46:35
The second bee is to be present, and this is another one I'm
46:38
still working on and I've made some progress. But at sixty two, when
46:45
you're told you've never been present a day in your life, it's a kind
46:49
of a slow process, it seems, much as I try to make it
46:52
speed up. So being present means being right here, right now. And
46:58
if you're being triggered, you're not right here right now, because trigger instantly
47:04
takes you to the past, some experience, you've had, some fear that
47:07
toddler had, and you're in the past and you're instantly getting an emotional reaction
47:14
to it. So if you're in the present, then you hear someone say
47:19
something or do something and you recognize whoa that really upset the toddler. But
47:25
you come back to the present, you say, well, I'm a grown
47:29
up now, I'm a thirty year old and I'm standing here and there's no
47:31
reason that somebody saying that should upset me so much. So let me take
47:37
two breaths and get present and see what's going on for the other person.
47:42
Because inevitably, it's not always about you. Inevitably it's about them. They've
47:46
said something just happens to trigger you. So when you can focus on being
47:52
present, and when you're having those meetings with the team or individuals, you
47:57
know, if you're sitting there and your phone on the desk and every time
48:00
it dings you look at it, that's not present. If you just kind
48:07
of glanced down to see what the time is, that's not present. I
48:09
don't feel like you're really listening to me. I don't feel like you're really
48:13
caring. So listening is looking into the eyes of the person as they're speaking
48:17
and letting them speak and then trying to paraphrase what they've just said and say
48:23
back to them before you try to fix it. And if you're dealing with
48:27
women, which a lot of orthodoptics are, women don't want you to fix
48:30
the problem. We do not want you to fix the problem. We want
48:35
you to listen to us, drone on for hours if necessary. We're talking
48:39
about all the things that are bothering us, and at the end of it,
48:43
nothing will change, but will feel better and we'll think you're wonderful.
48:45
It's so true, so true, And when you try to fix it,
48:50
we won't like you. You won't think you're caring and you get frustrated if
48:54
you're a male because that's what males do, and you think, well,
48:59
stupid to stop on about it. It's not chieving anything. Let's just fix
49:02
it. You don't want to fix it. She wants to talk about it.
49:06
That's why you should have a female practice manager or a male practice manager
49:09
who's very good at dealing with women, because of our bulk of the people
49:13
in your team are women. And you know, the other thing that happens
49:19
that I noticed in America I'll get back to see in a minute, is
49:22
that you tend to call doctor, you know, Smith, Dr Smith and
49:30
not John, which and I understand at some degree that that's a hierarchical thing
49:37
and a respect thing, but really, in this day and age, you
49:42
know, I don't think a team would have a friendlier kind of approach at
49:45
work if you were John, and depending on your behavior, John or Jeanette,
49:55
they will have respect for you, and they're not going to I mean,
49:59
it's not like they're going to use something if they call you by your
50:00
first name. I know that's just habitual in most of the organizations, but
50:06
think about that, because it doesn't really engender a close connection with you,
50:12
and orthodontic practice is generally speaking, are not massive, particularly the ones listening
50:15
to this. You're a small team. You've got to be part of the
50:20
team and part of the kind of the head figure. You're like a parent,
50:27
and that's really true. Good good leadership is pretty much good parenting because
50:31
you're leading toddlers in grown up bodies. That's deep the sea is to make
50:39
conscious choices because in epigenetics, we know that ninety five to ninety nine percent
50:45
of the time we're literally unconscious of what we're thinking, literally, and so
50:52
we have to wake up and recognize how often these stories, these core fears
50:55
are ruling our behavior. So we can make a conscious choice because we're making
51:01
choices all day, every day, pretty much every minute, and if we're
51:06
unconscious about them, then we'll get unconscious into consequences. So making conscious choices
51:15
and then consciously choosing choy because what you focus on will determine how your brain
51:23
rewires, and we know use it or you lose it applies to not just
51:29
the body, but also the brain. The brain is constantly pruning its neurological
51:34
connections. So if you're constantly focusing on what's wrong and what needs to be
51:39
changed. Then humans already have a tendency to judge, you know, it's
51:45
kind of an inherent trait, and it's a lifelong journey to stop judging and
51:51
see the divinity in everybody and honor that divinity. And we just we don't
51:59
we just start focusing on what's wrong in the world and how nothing's you know
52:02
that they haven't used the sterilizer properly, and I've had to ask five times,
52:07
and this, and if you do have a lot of problems at work,
52:09
stop looking at the people there. Look in a mirror. That's where
52:15
the problems start. And if it isn't you directly, it's your office manager.
52:21
But it is you still because you're not managing the office manager. And
52:23
if you've got a tiller, the hunter is your office manager. You can
52:28
be pretty certain there'll be warfare and the tee ah. That's so true.
52:34
Oh, this has been so enlightening and such good information. If somebody wants
52:38
to find out more about you, or maybe have you come speak for you
52:45
know, one of their clubs or whatnot, how best can they do that?
52:47
It'd be great if they did it's Amanda Gore dot com g Ore and
52:53
I've got all the social media things, but the best way is to go
52:55
to amandagor dot com. You know the groups like Seattle Study Club. I've
53:00
done a lot of their events and I love doing those. And what we
53:05
tend to do is to get all the teams in, so two or three
53:08
hundred people in the room. My normal keynotes are ninety minutes, but I
53:13
like doing workshops when we've got everybody there because then you can have people really
53:19
look at themselves whilst they're there and see how they're contributing to the team and
53:24
whether they're the energy sucker or not. So I weave in a lot of
53:29
the things we talked about today, but also a whole lot more on how
53:34
to know yourself, manage yourself, manage relationships, and then I talk a
53:38
lot about the joy and when people go back, they kind of lose the
53:44
first world problems and they're so focused on first world problems. There's actually a
53:51
great video clip on YouTube called First World Problems, and it's the one with
53:55
about ten million views now and it was an ad from Apple iPhone for the
54:00
iPhone six. It is brilliant and if you show it to your teams and
54:07
your families, so it's called first world problems. It helps you have a
54:10
discussion with everybody about how insane it is to be worried about the things and
54:20
complain about the things we normally complain about when we live in a world of
54:23
monotonous goodness, as David says, and that if we learned or disciplined,
54:30
not learned, but disciplined ourselves to be grateful, which is the third part
54:35
of the b to be breathe be presently grateful if we feel it's impossible to
54:40
have a heartful of misery and a heartful of gratitude at the same time.
54:44
And so none of these concepts are enormously sophisticated or difficult or challenging to do.
54:52
Although I present them in a simple, easy way, there is a
54:57
very sophisticated level of science behind the simple things I've seen. They're very effective.
55:05
But a lot of people these days want really like fancy, sophisticated things
55:10
that are difficult to do or they can't be well, it can't be like
55:15
that. Are you dealing with humans? They have heart, They want you
55:19
to love them, They want to feel special, they want to be acknowledged,
55:23
They want to be encouraged. They just want love. Really. Yeah,
55:29
oh that's so good. Well, what a great way to finish it
55:31
up for us. That's what we all want, right, to be acknowledged
55:36
and to be loved. It doesn't matter if it's not a job or and
55:42
people will work better, you know when you treat them like that, and
55:45
when you do consciously create an atmosphere of joy work and you foster gratitude and
55:52
all of those things transformed. Yeah. Absolutely, So as we finish up,
55:57
I like to fetish up he ducks with the little speed round. So
56:00
I'm curious if you are up for the challenge. I kind of Okay,
56:07
here we go coffee or tea really good coffee which is hard to find in
56:13
America according to an Australia. Okay, do you have a favorite book?
56:19
Dave Barry turns forty? You ever read any Dave Barry books? I have
56:23
not. That is a laugh out, loud, snort yourself laughing book.
56:30
That's one. Okay. Another one I'm just reading is called The Book of
56:34
Innocence by Paul Sellig. Okay, all right, perfect. How about do
56:38
you have a favorite outdoor activity? Gardening? Which I learned to do during
56:44
COVID, which I never thought I would. That's wonderful. And if there
56:47
was one thing you could be remembered for, what would that be. I
56:52
would love to be remembered as someone who helped teach people how to feel good
56:57
about themselves and as, if not more importantly, raised children who feel good
57:02
about themselves by the time they're seven. That's great. And then finally,
57:07
the best piece of advice you've ever received was from Ron Techi my mentor well,
57:15
there's a couple actually. Anyway, Ron said when I was speaking,
57:20
to have fun, because if I had fun, everybody else would have fun.
57:23
And then the other one that popped in is I was saying. That
57:27
is David Martin saying, slow down to the speed of consciousness. That's good.
57:32
That's good. Well, Amanda, it has been wonderful having you on
57:37
the show. Thank you so much for spending your day with us and just
57:42
giving us such good information to really sit on, sit in and sit under
57:47
and just you know, see how we can implement that within our practices in
57:52
our day to day lives. Thank you, Thank you too for having me
57:55
on and by all you see you, Thank you, Bie are you ready
58:04
to start a practice of your own, need a new, fresh set of
58:07
eyes or some advice on your existing practice. If so, reach out to
58:10
me, Jill Allen at www dot practice results dot com. If you like
58:16
what we're doing here on Haydocks and want to hear more of this awesome content,
58:21
be sure and give us a five star rating on your preferred listening platform
58:24
and subscribe to our show so you never miss an episode. Remember, new
58:30
episodes drop every Thursday. See you next week.