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The Unhealthy Power of Toxic Shame · RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Today's episode is produced by my friends at WalkWest.
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  SPEAKER_01: If you're looking to grow your brand and generate leads through podcast or video production, head over to walkwest.com.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, let's start the show.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
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  SPEAKER_00: From emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness coach Comedy Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Through these small bites of self-visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: Hi there and welcome to another episode of Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: Whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening, thank you for taking some time out of your day to spend with me.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: I so appreciate it.
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  SPEAKER_01: And I know that you're busy individuals, and so I just want to say thank you for taking some time to spend here.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: Last time we talked about shame.
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  SPEAKER_01: We sort of discussed the difference between shame and guilt, and today I want to take it one step further and talk about toxic shame.
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  SPEAKER_01: Toxic shame can actually make it extraordinarily challenging to be your authentic self, to be your true self, the self that recognizes that you're not perfect and that you're gonna make mistakes, and it keeps you from living into that true sense of your own being.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: Again, we talked a little bit about the difference between shame and guilt.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: Shame being there's something wrong with me, and guilt really focusing on I did something wrong.
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  SPEAKER_01: So another way to look at it is shame is very internal.
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  SPEAKER_01: Guilt is more externally based because it's looking at how you may have wronged somebody else, so somebody outside of you, versus shame is a very internal thing.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_01: There's something wrong with me, I'm a bad person, I'm not good enough, uh, which really leads to low self-esteem, anxiety issues, potentially anger problems, depression, etc.
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  SPEAKER_01: So let's take it one step further.
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  SPEAKER_01: Toxic shame involves believing that you are actually a wrong being, you are inferior, you are worthless, and typically develops as a result of a traumatic experience.
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  SPEAKER_01: Uh, people who are mistreated or abused often internalize this belief and that they somehow deserved the terrible treatment of them.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: And so that as this central aspect of shame is this feeling that there's something wrong with you, but then you take it even further into this sense of um it's a deeper feeling of worthlessness.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: And and the truth is everybody experiences shame at some point in their life.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: There's gonna be a moment where there's like this this shame feeling.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: It's just that when that feeling of shame is so extreme and ongoing, it can actually become toxic, right?
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: That's what we're really referring to, is when the shame is so deep-rooted and it becomes so damaging to your self-esteem.
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  SPEAKER_01: So, for instance, if somebody is shamed, maybe through bullying when they're a kid, and then eventually it stops, they could still carry that shame.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: However, if it was a prolonged period of time, that could become that could turn into toxic shame, where the feelings of self-loathing and worthlessness are so deep-rooted and internalized for at such a level that they actually become ashamed of themselves, and then that's what they're carrying into adulthood.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: So when that happens, now they find themselves in adulthood, maybe in um engaging in self-sabotaging patterns or some type of self-harm.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: Um, it does also lead to just extraordinary perfectionism and maybe leads to imposter syndrome or procrastination.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: So, if we were to think about the the five signs that you you might want to kind of take a look at in case they resonate, could they be toxic shame?
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  SPEAKER_01: Uh, some of them are isolation.
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  SPEAKER_01: Shame generally promotes this idea of hiding in isolation where you feel like you might want to avoid social interactions um because there's such a deep-rooted fear that others are gonna judge you.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: And so sometimes this also leads to um an inability to truly become intimate on an emotional level with other people because there's this um there are communication issues or there's feelings of being afraid to be vulnerable or exposing yourself because people with toxic shame, the idea of being vulnerable and exposed, really there's this deep-rooted fear about being humiliated, because they were ta taught to associate not just vulnerability with weakness, but that it if you have any of those things that there is something deeply wrong with you, um, it another sign is just extraordinary low self-esteem and self-worth.
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  SPEAKER_01: If you have toxic shame, those feelings of worthlessness and being unworthy of love, no matter what you do, are are pretty constant.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: And so that harsh self-criticism changes how you feel about yourself and also changes how you act.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: So, for instance, when working with individuals who have a real struggle uh finding a relationship uh for the long term, and they've they come and they say, Comedy, I I find myself self-sabotaging.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes we have to just look at it and and and look at is there a sense of toxic shame that might be hanging around in the background where they might not believe that they are worthy of love?
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_01: Or conversely, sometimes it leads to maybe taking risky behaviors or um potentially trying to numb out feelings, either through substances or uh individuals with eating disorders sometimes are holding on to some toxic shame as well.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: They might either be eating a lot or restricting their food completely.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: Another uh sign of toxic shame could be just this constant feeling of being inferior, where that self-worth is just you're in this comparison mode of others and you're just routinely feeling inferior to others.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: Or another one is just constantly feeling like you have to apologize, or this almost um incessant sense of guilt, right?
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: And we mentioned the guilt is there's I did something wrong, but that can be transmuted into there's something wrong with me.
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  SPEAKER_01: I can't do anything right.
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  SPEAKER_01: Now, when we start getting to that thought belief, now we're starting to edge towards there's something wrong with me.
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  SPEAKER_01: Um so over time, what we realize is that when we're carrying toxic shame, that's what's happening.
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  SPEAKER_01: Um, and then another sign, and I mentioned this a little bit earlier, is perfectionism.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: Toxic shame can absolutely cause perfectionism or lead to perfectionism because there's such an all or nothing thought process when when we lean into perfectionism.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: And so if there's if it's all or nothing, what happens is if we make a mistake as a perfectionist and we then tell ourselves that, oh my gosh, this failure means that there's something wrong with me.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_01: And we do this for such a prolonged period of time and we set these really high, unrealistic goals, we become obsessed with them, we're striving, we're striving, and we're striving, and we can't seem to get there.
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  SPEAKER_01: So instead of thriving, we're just striving for these things, we constantly are telling ourselves there's something wrong with us, and that leads to anxiety and depression and burnout, but also it just leads to shaming ourselves in such a way that it becomes toxic.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um, one of the ways that we start or that we can work towards um helping ourselves when there is toxic shame is to start setting boundaries.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: Healthy boundaries is an extraordinarily um good way to start the process of overcoming toxic shame because you start treating yourself with the compassion and love that you deserve.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: So it's not even necessarily setting boundaries with others, it's setting boundaries with yourself first and foremost.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: Then, of course, involving limits with other people.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: You know, if if it means saying no to other people without justification of why you're saying no, that's a great way to start setting up a boundary so that you're not consistently being shamed, especially when it comes from taking on the shaming from other people and recognizing that it's okay to ask for help.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: It's not always easy to deal with difficult emotions, and oftentimes we will try to push those emotions away because they scare us a little bit, or we just we don't know how to deal with them.
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  SPEAKER_01: And I will say that this is a lot of my work.
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  SPEAKER_01: I I in I really enjoy being able to provide a safe space for my clients to be able to unpack what's coming up for them and recognize that it's actually safe to talk about what they're feeling and through the understanding their emotions and really giving voice to what those are and giving voice to these places where they have been shaming themselves, they can actually move themselves forward.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_01: So, and and I recognize that I've spent, you know, a couple episodes now talking about shame.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: But when working with the individuals that I work with, and you know, I talk a lot about imposter syndrome with them and just the self-doubt that comes up.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: And when we're talking about healing that relationship with self, it is just so important to give some time and to bring to the light those moments where we are shaming ourselves because the longer we hold on to that, the longer we're holding on to this belief that there's something wrong with us.
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  SPEAKER_01: And that that belief that there's something wrong with us is the one that holds us back the most.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: If you would like to talk more about this with me, by all means feel free to book a time with me at any point at chatwithcomedy.com.
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  SPEAKER_01: Also, I have several blog articles just around shame on the website, so definitely hop over to the website at comedywood.com.
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  SPEAKER_01: And until next time, stay well.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening to Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: For more information, book a chat with comedy at www.chatwithcomedy.com or visit our website at www.comedywood.com.
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  SPEAKER_00: You can also find comedy on Facebook or Instagram.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: Username it's authentic me.
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  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.