Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Why Your Wife Wants You To Post Pics Of You Two On Social Media

Transcript

Why Your Wife Wants You To Post Pics Of You Two On Social Media · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom's show. Today I'm going to be talking
• 0:10
  about why your wife wants you to post social media pictures of
• 0:13
  her and the two of you etcetera and why this is a big deal for
• 0:17
  certain women and what men think incorrectly about this.
• 0:21
  And before we do that, please do subscribe.
• 0:23
  Most recently was yes you are supposed to interact with a soft
• 0:27
  penis. So if that is something that
• 0:32
  you're curious about whether or not a person Should in fact,
• 0:35
  interact with the soft penis or in fact, you have no idea that
• 0:38
  your wife thinks you're not supposed to, and she may be
• 0:41
  among the women who think you're not, despite that, that's wrong.
• 0:44
  Then certainly listen to this episode.
• 0:46
  All right, so in my Facebook group, which I'm always
• 0:48
  mentioning because it gives me a lot of good ideas and you should
• 0:51
  join it. It's a lot of people who want to
• 0:53
  talk about issues that are like the issues that I talked about
• 0:57
  relationship, family, sex intimacy.
• 1:00
  Love language is just a lot of shit.
• 1:02
  Okay, so that's my plug. And in the face, Group.
• 1:05
  Somebody mentioned, isn't it like too much when people are
• 1:09
  always posting pictures on social media of their
• 1:11
  significant other? Do you think that it's like they
• 1:15
  protest too much and really, it's a bad relationship.
• 1:17
  And those are the only people who really post know like in
• 1:21
  fact I don't, you know I mean of course like there are some
• 1:25
  people who lie, you know. So they're saying everything is
• 1:29
  great when it's not because they feel really bad or they're
• 1:32
  trying to turn it around or they just Feel like really
• 1:36
  uncomfortable about how their relationship is going.
• 1:38
  So, you know, they try to they try to re, you know, do the
• 1:43
  opposite. They try to act like it's really
• 1:45
  good. Now, this isn't something
• 1:46
  malicious, you know, this is something that people do when
• 1:49
  they're really struggling. You know, they don't some
• 1:51
  people, right? So some people, when they're
• 1:53
  really struggling, I'll post a lot on social media.
• 1:55
  Connor to make themselves, feel good to kind of say to
• 1:59
  themselves. And to the world look like we
• 2:02
  did go to the aquarium as a family.
• 2:04
  We did go on date. You know, they're kind of like
• 2:06
  grasping at straws but that's a small subset.
• 2:10
  Most of the people who post on social media are in one of two
• 2:13
  camps. Either, they are people who
• 2:15
  themselves, really enjoy it. And I'm in one of those camps
• 2:18
  myself about and this isn't just about spouse, but the same
• 2:22
  people who post about spouse, usually post about kids to, you
• 2:25
  know, and then they are people who learned that a partner likes
• 2:29
  it. So that is the group that I'm
• 2:32
  trying to discuss here because you could be He like like so.
• 2:36
  Okay, so back it up. So, a lot of people who struggle
• 2:39
  with social anxiety, or avoidant attachment just call themselves
• 2:42
  private. They say, they're just really
• 2:44
  private people but somehow the Privacy ends up hurting people.
• 2:48
  So, for example, you know, I've talked about growing up in a
• 2:51
  very anxious home, and when I was little, I liked, I saw some
• 2:55
  kids get notes at lunch, you know, from a parent.
• 2:59
  A note that would say I love you blah, blah blah.
• 3:01
  And because you're like a little kid.
• 3:02
  Everybody looks over and sees your note.
• 3:04
  You And so I said that's my mother and she said I would
• 3:07
  never do anything that everybody could look at because I am
• 3:12
  private. So in that case, you know,
• 3:15
  private, really just meant I'm really socially anxious, you
• 3:18
  know. But of course, a little kid
• 3:19
  isn't going to hear it like that and you know, she wasn't aware
• 3:23
  that it was that, but often it is that often people that say
• 3:28
  that they're private or really just very, very anxious of
• 3:30
  anybody like, looking at them or judging them, or Anything.
• 3:35
  And so parents with social anxiety or terrified of being
• 3:38
  judged, and they pass on the terror of judgment to their
• 3:41
  kids, who then feel like everybody's going to judge them
• 3:44
  and they judge everybody in in reaction because they think
• 3:48
  they're going to get judge. So they judge.
• 3:50
  So it's this whole judgmental intolerant, sort of worldview,
• 3:54
  that's passed on by these people.
• 3:56
  You know, that that are anxious and quote private.
• 3:59
  So, a lot of the guys that I talked to, or a lot of the
• 4:04
  couple's, I talk to A woman wants more of like a big
• 4:07
  gesture. She's more of a romantic.
• 4:09
  She grew up with the Say, Anything movie, you know, she
• 4:12
  likes the idea of a public affirmation of love, you know,
• 4:16
  because everybody is still a little kid at heart, you know,
• 4:19
  men and women and that's normal. And okay, and what little kids
• 4:23
  want is somebody to just joyously Proclaim publicly their
• 4:28
  love for them, you know, not to not to have a parent that is
• 4:33
  anxious and embarrassed to do that.
• 4:35
  That so, you know, the same people who say that they're
• 4:39
  really private or people who if you dig a Little Deeper, they
• 4:42
  don't even say I love you really to a spouse that much they never
• 4:45
  talk about their feelings and that that would be private that
• 4:48
  would be like just to the spouse.
• 4:49
  But in reality, they're not doing that either.
• 4:52
  So, you know, it's convenient to say that the people who were
• 4:56
  posting a lot on social media, are the people who are rent
• 4:59
  having the good relationship but frequently, they're just the
• 5:01
  people who love love who love the expressions of They're doing
• 5:05
  it at home and they're doing it on social media, so they're
• 5:08
  doing it like everywhere, you know.
• 5:10
  And that's most often, then there's of course, as I talked
• 5:13
  about people, whose marriage is just tanking, they're grasping
• 5:16
  at straws trying to to, you know, tell themselves,
• 5:19
  everything's okay. So that's what they're doing but
• 5:22
  most people they're just like the sort of people that are
• 5:25
  confident and comfortable in displaying affection.
• 5:29
  So they do it and they do it on social media because they like
• 5:32
  to do it and also there's another group and sometimes X,
• 5:35
  these overlap whose spouse really likes it.
• 5:37
  So, at some point the spouse said, oh, I wish you would post
• 5:40
  more about me or the couple's counselor said, why don't you
• 5:43
  listen to her? When she says she wishes you
• 5:45
  would post more about her and then they start doing it, you
• 5:48
  know. And they see like a nice
• 5:49
  reaction from the partner. Because a big thing in this was
• 5:53
  like I don't like Mom's websites like a little while ago.
• 5:57
  Was the idea that women don't have any pictures of themselves
• 5:59
  with the kids because guys don't think to take pictures as often
• 6:02
  as women, who are documenting the And hanging out with the
• 6:06
  kids, there's lots of cute pictures of dad playing catch
• 6:09
  with his kids but they're not as many of my reading to her kids
• 6:12
  and this was so widely shared when I was a little bit younger
• 6:16
  and I had little kids. I remember this made the rounds
• 6:19
  and all these women were saying yes, yes, yes, I just wish that
• 6:22
  he would think to take a cute picture of me and the kids.
• 6:25
  And, you know, I mean the women didn't feel scene.
• 6:29
  They didn't feel like like the man was looking over and saying,
• 6:32
  oh, that's like such a good picture.
• 6:34
  I want her to Remember this, I want her to have memories
• 6:37
  looking back of like, seeing her reading to the kids.
• 6:40
  The way that the woman is thinking, I want to have
• 6:44
  memories of different him and for the kids to have memories of
• 6:46
  Dad, playing catch, right? So, it's a good point, you know?
• 6:50
  Like if your husband never thinks to take pictures of you
• 6:53
  with the kids, it's hard to think that he's like, looking at
• 6:56
  it thinking, much about the memories that are being made, it
• 7:00
  could be that, he doesn't think that way, but if you think that
• 7:04
  way, Then it does feel very lonely when you look back and it
• 7:08
  feels disheartening, when you look back to never have any
• 7:10
  candid shots of you. And the kids, when taking
• 7:12
  pictures is such a big thing, nowadays, right?
• 7:14
  Of course. Nobody ever used to have these
• 7:16
  candid shots, but now some people do and some people don't.
• 7:19
  So if all of your pictures with the kids or selfies but then yet
• 7:22
  you have pictures of you know your husband with the kids.
• 7:25
  Then it feels a little bit bad you know.
• 7:27
  Just like anybody feels bad when something that they like isn't
• 7:30
  something that the spouse does. So so yeah, so a lot of women
• 7:35
  Women also grew up in similar homes to mine, right?
• 7:39
  We're especially if your wife has shared with you.
• 7:41
  That she had a dysfunctional, family of origin and difficult
• 7:44
  parents, and now, doesn't have much of a relationship with them
• 7:47
  or has a difficult relationship with them or whatever.
• 7:49
  I'm willing to bet anything that public displays of affection
• 7:53
  were not a big thing, you know, and that your child or private,
• 7:57
  because as I said, in my case, as well as in many cases the
• 8:01
  same parents who won't do anything in public.
• 8:02
  Also don't do anything in private so it's not You're
• 8:05
  getting like a lot of wonderful shit and private either like,
• 8:08
  you know, and so that's why it's so funny too because even the
• 8:12
  same word private, right? So you would think that the
• 8:14
  private person, the the man, let's say who says, oh, I'm just
• 8:18
  private. So I don't post on social media.
• 8:20
  You would think well then I guess he's do it.
• 8:21
  A lot of romantic stuff in a private well, now he's not
• 8:25
  generally. He is doing absolutely nothing
• 8:27
  in private. So and the same thing with the
• 8:30
  parents who are to private to do any sort of public display of
• 8:34
  any sort to the And they're also not saying much nice in private,
• 8:37
  so privacy is usually not the issue.
• 8:40
  It's usually anxiety anxiety of being judged and a lot of these
• 8:44
  men don't want to be judged by their peers.
• 8:46
  They don't want to seem like they're pussy-whipped.
• 8:49
  We used to say or a simp as they say now.
• 8:52
  So they don't want to seem like they care too much.
• 8:54
  Well, that's preposterous that you care too much about your
• 8:56
  wife, your, that's your wife, you know?
• 8:59
  You're, you're supposed to care about your wife, and if you have
• 9:03
  still maintained friendships, That is not cool to do then then
• 9:08
  they would be wise to interrogate the friendships
• 9:10
  rather than the relationship. Because generally speaking
• 9:14
  adults who are healthy people support their friends being in
• 9:19
  healthy relationships. But a lot of times when guys
• 9:22
  have been friends with the same guys since they were like eight
• 9:24
  years old, you know, and a bunch of them.
• 9:26
  Still don't have marriage and kids anywhere on the horizon.
• 9:29
  Then they get teased for or they more often they wouldn't, but
• 9:33
  they think that they would get Teased in some way for saying,
• 9:37
  like, oh, here's my beautiful wife.
• 9:39
  You know, happy birthday to my darling wife, who does x y z?
• 9:44
  If you are a man in like your 30s or 40s, you have friends, I
• 9:48
  would make fun of that. Then a, I don't really think you
• 9:51
  may like you may think they would make fun and they
• 9:53
  wouldn't. And that's usually what happens
• 9:56
  when people try this in therapy, when they try to get out there
• 9:59
  more up, a spouse really wants more public affirmations of some
• 10:03
  sort. And so they try it.
• 10:05
  Right. And then they see, nobody says,
• 10:07
  anything bad at all is 99% of the time and in the 1% of the
• 10:11
  time where they get some kind of quote teasing, it kind of seems
• 10:14
  stupid to the guy like when he when it actually happens in real
• 10:17
  time he's like, wait, like this guy who like, you know, never
• 10:20
  had a relationship or whatever is like, judging me for say, I
• 10:23
  love my wife, what an asshole, you know, and I'm not going to
• 10:26
  care about that. So, so, anyways, who the point
• 10:29
  is, then there's guys who are very avoidant attachment
• 10:33
  themselves, by the way who, Ooh, themselves make fun of this and
• 10:36
  say, you shouldn't really need me to say, I love you.
• 10:39
  You shouldn't really need that at all.
• 10:40
  Quite honestly, you certainly shouldn't need it in public and
• 10:43
  I don't really do what I don't want to do and I feel forced
• 10:45
  into this and it feels uncomfortable to me and, you
• 10:48
  know, the woman doesn't even have to say it because she's
• 10:50
  already doing it. But guess what feels
• 10:52
  uncomfortable to her after a while, you know sex intimacy
• 10:56
  closeness affection? Respect.
• 10:57
  Love because if you're always saying what makes you feel
• 11:01
  uncomfortable, it that so he gets a lot of shit makes your
• 11:04
  partner feel Comfortable too. And if you feel too
• 11:07
  uncomfortable to do stuff for them, they're going to feel too
• 11:09
  uncomfortable to do stuff for you and it'll become a Power
• 11:12
  struggle. So if you do have a wife and
• 11:15
  again, the more, the more common situation that I see among
• 11:19
  younger couples, I'll say 30s. And Below.
• 11:22
  Certainly is preoccupied attachment women.
• 11:25
  That's when they're still trying.
• 11:27
  I have a podcast coming up on your window to changes before
• 11:30
  your wife hits 40, and that's true.
• 11:34
  And I'll get into that. Then, but the younger women that
• 11:36
  I see are frequently preoccupied attachment women who were like
• 11:39
  begging, the men to be more romantic, and this is just
• 11:43
  romantic. That's what put a.
• 11:44
  You could think of it as public display of affection, you could
• 11:46
  think of it as romantic, you could think of it as exciting.
• 11:52
  It's exciting to her to see something on social media about
• 11:54
  herself and then if you need a quick analogy, you like things
• 11:58
  to be romantic, dramatic and exciting in the bedroom.
• 12:02
  So, you know, there's no women who are surprising you with a
• 12:05
  Trench coat and nothing underneath that are married to
• 12:07
  guys long-term who say I feel uncomfortable with a birthday
• 12:11
  post because then they're just like, fuck you.
• 12:13
  I feel uncomfortable with anything with any touch, you
• 12:16
  know, fuck you. You know, and that's what
• 12:19
  happens. But when the women are young,
• 12:20
  they're still like trying. So they're doing like a lot of
• 12:23
  this kind of romantic preoccupied attachment.
• 12:26
  I love you so much. Let's give, you know, figure out
• 12:29
  the four-point plan to give you a better blow job, there's still
• 12:32
  in that phase and so if they're still in that phase, the guy
• 12:35
  does not give them what they want.
• 12:37
  Romantically, they are in empathic rupture territory.
• 12:41
  So, these women that I see the younger, women, frequently are
• 12:44
  bending over backwards. Yeah, they can be clingy and,
• 12:47
  and jealous, and they cry too much etcetera, but they're still
• 12:51
  trying to give a hell of a time in the bedroom and they're still
• 12:54
  trying to be really, really loving generally and what
• 12:57
  they're trying to make up for is a difficult upbringing where
• 12:59
  they never got the love that they wanted.
• 13:02
  So these preoccupied attachment, Women Marry avoid Kind of men
• 13:05
  who say, no, I'm never going to say Happy Mother's Day on social
• 13:08
  media. Because why should I and the
• 13:12
  tolerate that for like 10-15 years and then they'll just
• 13:14
  leave. They'll just leave the marriage
• 13:16
  because they're done, they're done begging for affection.
• 13:19
  So the point is is not that this specific social media posting is
• 13:25
  unique, it's not unique. It's if it's something that your
• 13:28
  spouse likes do it, that's like usually my advice.
• 13:31
  If it's something you are spouse likes, do it.
• 13:34
  Now, if you've looked back In history of your marriage and
• 13:36
  it's a 10 years of you doing and doing and doing and you are and
• 13:40
  everything that you think they would like.
• 13:42
  And this is not the situation by the way, for these social media
• 13:45
  guys because they a guy who won't even do a social media
• 13:47
  post, he going to be difficult in a million ways.
• 13:50
  It's like the tip of the iceberg but let's say It's a situation
• 13:54
  where you know I mean I can't even make it up but let's say
• 13:57
  there's a situation in which this guy is not avoidant
• 13:59
  attachment, he is paralyzed by social anxiety.
• 14:03
  He does everything else that the woman It's in every way.
• 14:05
  Now, he even adds in the social media post.
• 14:08
  And you know what? She still won't even touch him
• 14:10
  with a ten-foot pole. Well certainly that's not happy.
• 14:13
  Marriage wasn't happy marriage before the social media issue.
• 14:16
  What is not what I'm talking about, you know?
• 14:18
  But some people make it their hobby to like, write in and tell
• 14:21
  me that. There's one situation that
• 14:22
  exists in the world on my podcast.
• 14:24
  Doesn't apply to, you know, good clap clap but you know this not
• 14:28
  what I'm talking about. What I'm talking about is a very
• 14:31
  specific situation of an avoidant attachment man who
• 14:34
  Cries all Need for public or really private romance and the
• 14:42
  woman is like dancing around in her.
• 14:45
  Admittedly a very annoying. Preoccupied attachment
• 14:47
  controlling gel is clingy needy. Good way asking and begging for
• 14:54
  him to be more romantic, but if she's still in the window, when
• 14:58
  she's begging for you to be more romantic, then if you actually
• 15:02
  act more romantic, guess what you actually?
• 15:03
  Can't calm down. I've It happened.
• 15:05
  It's like a magic trick. So if she's always about you
• 15:08
  posting on social media, and you don't because you quote, think
• 15:10
  nothing will ever be enough. It's the same as if you wanted
• 15:14
  blowjobs. And she said, no because nothing
• 15:16
  will ever be enough. Blow jobs going to be a gateway
• 15:18
  to anal threesomes with like, you know, hookers, you know?
• 15:23
  No, it isn't. It isn't, you know, not not in
• 15:26
  the case where the person is even remotely emotionally
• 15:29
  healthy. The majority of people have not
• 15:31
  had their needs met as a child. So, and He's had their needs
• 15:35
  fully mad because I would be impossible, but there's a bell
• 15:37
  curve and if you are on the end the you know, the below, 50th
• 15:41
  percentile of getting your needs met as a child.
• 15:44
  Then you're trying more actively to get.
• 15:46
  Those needs met weather for aloneness and to just be left
• 15:49
  alone, which is frequently the avoidant attachment 1.
• 15:52
  They just want to be alone because they have learned that
• 15:55
  relationships cannot be trusted. And the other person's need is
• 15:58
  to be closed. So if the avoidant attachment
• 16:02
  partner can display closeness and the social media, Most way,
• 16:05
  or any other way, that he's asked.
• 16:07
  And the preoccupied attachment partner can give the other
• 16:10
  person more space than the relationship can heal and
• 16:13
  eventually can be more securely attached over time.
• 16:16
  But if everybody's fighting over every stupid thing like this
• 16:18
  then it's not going to heal, you know?
• 16:20
  And then you get to keep spending your money and couples
• 16:23
  counseling, etc, etc. And and fighting over issues
• 16:27
  that are not the real issue. So this issue is not the real
• 16:30
  issue. It is a representative of the
• 16:33
  woman wanting more room. Romantic partner.
• 16:36
  So, if you want to stay married, try to be more romantic partner.
• 16:39
  Same thing, is when the man wants a woman to be more sexual
• 16:41
  partner. If you want to see, Mary try to
• 16:43
  be more sexual partner, stuff is not rocket science, you know,
• 16:46
  but it's extremely hard for people who are locked in a
• 16:50
  vicious battle with one another for, like, over a decade, which
• 16:55
  is the usual situation that I see in my practice for people to
• 16:58
  step outside themselves and be like, hold up.
• 17:01
  Like I'm making her feel bad or because I won't put some shit on
• 17:04
  Facebook. Fuck's wrong with me right or
• 17:06
  I'm making you feel bad because I won't put his penis in my
• 17:09
  mouth. What's wrong with me?
• 17:11
  What's wrong with me? This she would take 10 minutes,
• 17:13
  10 minutes and make him feel so good. / social media posts take
• 17:17
  less than 10 minutes would make her feel so good.
• 17:20
  And I'm not equating everything to oral sex.
• 17:22
  Although honestly, it's the most useful analogy I've seen to
• 17:26
  reach men, but, but the point is that it always kind of goes like
• 17:31
  this, the man wants more sexual intimacy.
• 17:33
  Usually it's a man wants. More sexual intimacy in the
• 17:35
  woman wants more emotional intimacy, so whoever can really
• 17:39
  throw themselves on their sword. I have seen women who are like
• 17:42
  he won't post about me, he won't post about me, then.
• 17:44
  I finally get him alone because thank God, she misses the
• 17:47
  session. Maybe she's sick.
• 17:49
  It's always a good thing, right? When you in couples counseling,
• 17:52
  when you get one alone finally, especially the couples.
• 17:55
  Were I say we should have some individual sessions and they're
• 17:57
  like, no, we want to do it together because otherwise it's
• 17:59
  a waste of time. No, it's not.
• 18:01
  It's never a waste of time to have individual sessions during
• 18:03
  couples counseling. But anyway, so finally, I get
• 18:06
  the man to load and I'm like, listen to some, okay, let's
• 18:08
  let's game it out. What's supposed going to say?
• 18:10
  We could do a social media post for Mother's Day, for our
• 18:13
  birthday, whatever the funk. Let's do it.
• 18:14
  Let's do it. So we do it.
• 18:16
  And guess what? In the next session she's happy
• 18:19
  she's smiling doesn't even look like the same woman.
• 18:21
  It looks like when sometimes people get on Zoloft and between
• 18:25
  session, I see people like every other week.
• 18:27
  A lot of the time, right? So they go on Zoloft and like a
• 18:30
  kicks in when what I'm not seeing them and they are
• 18:33
  smiling, be it? Typically, for the were, the
• 18:36
  very lucky people that something works for just like that, right?
• 18:39
  Of course there's Myriad people who doesn't work for that
• 18:42
  magically but for the few where an SSRI is really the game
• 18:45
  changer, it looks like a different person in my office,
• 18:48
  right? So it can look like that for the
• 18:50
  woman after she did the social media post and then it's like
• 18:54
  he's like why the hell was that so hard?
• 18:56
  Look she's actually happy. Is she going to remain happy
• 18:59
  forever? You know liked it was that it
• 19:02
  for for his having to try it all.
• 19:04
  Not. But it was a major step and the
• 19:07
  opposite of an empathic rupture which is a term that I should
• 19:09
  invent. You know, I don't know what the
• 19:11
  opposite would be in red empathy Builder or something that I
• 19:15
  would have to be a lot more, you know, zing zing key then an
• 19:19
  empathic Builder, I'll come up with the term.
• 19:21
  I'm sure by next time. But anyway, so it's the step.
• 19:24
  It's an incremental change that shows her that his heart is in
• 19:27
  the right place versus trying to fight with her all the time.
• 19:30
  Same as I see men smiling in much the same way after the
• 19:34
  woman fine. Finally, finally listens to me
• 19:36
  and says yeah you know what it is, his love language.
• 19:39
  So I am going to initiate sex and she doesn't and they come to
• 19:43
  session. He's like, well, I mean, I
• 19:46
  really got to say, I mean, it was, it was a good week.
• 19:49
  That's there's a way that men talk that I'm like, oh, so you
• 19:52
  got laid. Oh, wow, like what a surprise,
• 19:55
  like, is the way that they're talking there could only be one
• 19:57
  thing that happened and they're like, well yes if you're in
• 20:01
  fact, in fact, it was it was twice since last And this is,
• 20:05
  you know, a big deal because many couples they haven't had
• 20:08
  sex did twice in 12 weeks pan since you know Reagan was in
• 20:11
  office so you know it's a big deal.
• 20:14
  But yes the point of this entire thing just started with the
• 20:17
  social media post but it really wasn't much broader than that.
• 20:20
  As I aim to do generally do the shit that your spouse finds
• 20:24
  extremely valuable and see how it changes them.
• 20:27
  Try try to do that, try to take one thing that they're always up
• 20:30
  your ass about and that's outside your comfort zone and do
• 20:33
  it instead of arguing. Against it and then see what
• 20:36
  happens to your relationship. So that can be your assignment
• 20:38
  just as though you're my client. All right, well, I hope this was
• 20:41
  helpful and edifying and I will talk to you soon.
• 20:44
  Bye.