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Mojo Monday - How to Train Yourself to Manage Stress with Carly Taylor · Hardiness with Dr Paul Taylor

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  Speaker 1: Hi everyone, and welcome to this week's Mojo Monday. I'm
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  Speaker 1: Carly Taylor, and today I want to talk about training
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  Speaker 1: ourselves to prepare and manage stress. So we all know
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  Speaker 1: that if we're not good at something, we need to
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  Speaker 1: practice to get better at it. So if you play
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  Speaker 1: the piano, you won't progress unless you practice. If you're
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  Speaker 1: an athlete, you have to train and practice, and the
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  Speaker 1: involves offensive and defensive techniques. So in other words, athletes
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  Speaker 1: need to prepare for worst case scenarios and respond to
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  Speaker 1: them to avoid defeat. And we can apply this to
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  Speaker 1: ourselves and our ability to handle stress. So if you're
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  Speaker 1: not good at managing your stress, then you need to
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  Speaker 1: practice to get better at it. Not good in social situations,
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  Speaker 1: for example, you won't get better at it unless you practice.
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  Speaker 1: And in other words, if you're not good at feeling
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  Speaker 1: emotionally uncomfortable, which is what stress can bring up, which
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  Speaker 1: is discomfort, then to get better at that you need
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  Speaker 1: to practice. So this makes sense when you relate it
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  Speaker 1: to anxiety. The gold standard treatment for anxiety is exposure therapy,
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  Speaker 1: So if we apply that to stress, to get good
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  Speaker 1: at handling stress, we need to expose ourselves to it.
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  Speaker 1: So I just want to start with a bit of
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  Speaker 1: a caveat here. So everything that I'm going to talk
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  Speaker 1: about today is based on my personal experience with this.
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  Speaker 1: I'm very much a work in progress, and from my
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  Speaker 1: fifty four journey through life, I've encountered high periods of stress,
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  Speaker 1: and to be honest, I didn't always cope well even
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  Speaker 1: with the everyday stress. I struggled compared to how I
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  Speaker 1: manage it now and even then, As I said, I'm
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  Speaker 1: a work in progress, so I'm far from perfect. But
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  Speaker 1: what I have learned is that you have to train
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  Speaker 1: yourself to manage stress and navigate these tough emotions that
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  Speaker 1: arise when life gets challenging. You cannot expect anything to
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  Speaker 1: be fixed or to become a perfect human who allows
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  Speaker 1: stress just to slide off your back, but you can
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  Speaker 1: train yourselves to manage and handle stress and the emotions
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  Speaker 1: more effectively. There is a victim culture that is really
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  Speaker 1: rising today, and that's something that scares me because it
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  Speaker 1: reflects a lack of responsibility. You have to be responsible
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  Speaker 1: for yourself. No one else will take away the stress
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  Speaker 1: or the anxiety, or whatever emotional pain that you're feeling.
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  Speaker 1: You have to be responsible for yourself and focus on
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  Speaker 1: what you can control and work at it. And I
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  Speaker 1: know this from personal experience. I've had to really work
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  Speaker 1: on myself over the years so that my emotions don't
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  Speaker 1: take over my life and dictate always what I do.
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  Speaker 1: And of course seeking help from others is really important,
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  Speaker 1: but don't expect that there's a magic pill out there.
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  Speaker 1: So I want to share what has helped me and
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  Speaker 1: continues to do so. So one approach that I use
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  Speaker 1: is deliberately putting myself in situations where I experienced controlled discomfort.
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  Speaker 1: So this won't surprise you if you know the tailor's
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  Speaker 1: It's something our whole family does, and my kids are
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  Speaker 1: being raised to embrace discomfort, which is one of the
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  Speaker 1: reasons why we actually put them through They competed in
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  Speaker 1: martial arts years ago. But again, I'm not implying that my.
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  Speaker 2: Kids are perfect.
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  Speaker 1: They are far from perfect, and I'm certainly not implying
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  Speaker 1: that they love it. Although my son Oscar will voluntarily
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  Speaker 1: get into it ice bath, which always astounds me, but
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  Speaker 1: he likes the challenge. But they don't always love it,
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  Speaker 1: and really who does when we're talking about discomfort here?
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  Speaker 1: But hopefully when they're older, they will see the why
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  Speaker 1: behind it and thank us. And as much as I
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  Speaker 1: have the urge to, I don't want to always be
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  Speaker 1: there to protect them to a point where they don't
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  Speaker 1: build a level of resilience. So in order for them
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  Speaker 1: to do that, they need to feel discomfort control discomfort,
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  Speaker 1: and that can look like many things depending on that age.
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  Speaker 1: But one of the reasons that I do this controlled
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  Speaker 1: deliberate discomfort is that I know that there are going
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  Speaker 1: to be challenging times ahead. They are inevitable because that's
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  Speaker 1: just life, and I don't know when they're going to
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  Speaker 1: be or what intensity, and I want to.
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  Speaker 2: Be ready though.
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  Speaker 1: So we had a reality slap in twenty two twenty
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  Speaker 1: three when our son was diagnosed with a very rare disease,
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  Speaker 1: and all of a sudden, our life, which was going
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  Speaker 1: pretty well, took a sharp turn and it was a
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  Speaker 1: stressful pivot and it was very intense. But I look
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  Speaker 1: back now and I truly believe that this training helped
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  Speaker 1: me get through it. I'm proud of how I handled
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  Speaker 1: things when I look back during that time, and I
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  Speaker 1: really believe that if I hadn't done the work previously,
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  Speaker 1: I think it would have been a different story. And
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  Speaker 1: I think that's key. You want to look back at
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  Speaker 1: your life and to be able to say I did
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  Speaker 1: the best I caught in that situation, and I'm proud
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  Speaker 1: of the way that I handled it and controlled discomfort
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  Speaker 1: training can really help with that.
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  Speaker 2: So here's a favorite quote of Paul's.
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  Speaker 1: I love a good quote, but I'm stealing this one
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  Speaker 1: today and it is by Epictetis, the Stoic philosopher, and
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  Speaker 1: he said, we must undergo a hard winter's training and
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  Speaker 1: not rush into things for which we haven't prepared. So
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  Speaker 1: this quote really resonates with me because what it does
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  Speaker 1: is highlights the necessity of the hard work. It's the
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  Speaker 1: only way we can build resilience and inner strength. And
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  Speaker 1: this is for everybody. It's not just for the tough guys,
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  Speaker 1: but people like me where it doesn't come so easily.
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  Speaker 1: And it's about discipline and a willingness to feel a
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  Speaker 1: level of discomfort in the service of something greater than
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  Speaker 1: staying in your comfort zone or crumbling when things go
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  Speaker 1: pear shaped. So let's start with the physical discomfort. So, again,
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  Speaker 1: this doesn't come easily for me. It does come easily
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  Speaker 1: to Paul he will do it without question. He did
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  Speaker 1: write a book called Death by Comfort, so he definitely
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  Speaker 1: practices what he preaches. And if you know Paul from
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  Speaker 1: hearing him talk or you've been following him for a while,
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  Speaker 1: you will not what I'm talking about. And I'm sure
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  Speaker 1: many of you out there do embrace the discomfort training,
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  Speaker 1: but maybe there are many of you who are more
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  Speaker 1: like me where it doesn't come so easily. So this
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  Speaker 1: is where I need to work on my mindset and
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  Speaker 1: not allow my mind to get in the way. And
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  Speaker 1: that is to stop me drag me back into my
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  Speaker 1: comfort zone, which if I'm really honest with myself, it's
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  Speaker 1: not where I want to be. And so this part
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  Speaker 1: of my mind, and notice that I said part of
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  Speaker 1: my mind. It's not all of me. It's not all
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  Speaker 1: of my mind. It's just part because there's another part
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  Speaker 1: of me that really wants to build my inner strength
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  Speaker 1: and my resilience and to be able to do this
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  Speaker 1: discomfort training. So the other, this part of my mind
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  Speaker 1: that we're talking about now, is going to give me
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  Speaker 1: every excuse not to put myself through physical discomfort. So
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  Speaker 1: I need to take action despite what that part of
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  Speaker 1: my mind is telling me. I hope that makes sense.
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  Speaker 1: This is why I love the mindset stuff so much so.
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  Speaker 1: Marita therapy, acceptance, commitment therapy. It teaches us to do
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  Speaker 1: the things that are important to us, despite how we
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  Speaker 1: feel or what thoughts we have. If you can get
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  Speaker 1: clear on what is deeply important to you, and get
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  Speaker 1: clear on the purpose of putting yourself into deliberate discomfort,
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  Speaker 1: then you will do it despite the resistance of your mind.
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  Speaker 1: Frederic Nietzsche famously said, he who has a why to
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  Speaker 1: live can bear almost anyhow So, when I run up
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  Speaker 1: a hill, we live at the bottom of a steep hill,
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  Speaker 1: and I'm slow, and it's hard, but I'm doing it
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  Speaker 1: for a reason, and when I'm done, I feel this
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  Speaker 1: great sense of achievement. And of course my mind pipes
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  Speaker 1: up halfway through and tells me it's hard, but I
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  Speaker 1: push myself and I keep going, and then next time
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  Speaker 1: I do it, it's just that little bit easier, so I
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  Speaker 1: can push myself even further. Any run that I go
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  Speaker 1: on a point in the run when it's hard, and
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  Speaker 1: my mind starts piping up with reasons to stop, and
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  Speaker 1: all your runners out there will no doubt know what
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  Speaker 1: I'm talking about that is what our minds do. There's
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  Speaker 1: no point struggling with that, So allow it to pipe up,
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  Speaker 1: but just don't give into it. Acknowledge it. Acknowledge the discomfort,
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  Speaker 1: and keep going. When you train yourself to sit with
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  Speaker 1: the discomfort, you get better at it and then you
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  Speaker 1: can take on more. So another physical discomfort, and this
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  Speaker 1: won't come as any surprise, are cold showers. So Paul
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  Speaker 1: is known as the cold shower Guy. He has had
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  Speaker 1: so many people write to him over the years that
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  Speaker 1: have attended his talks and who have continued with the
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  Speaker 1: cold showers years later, and they've had such a positive
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  Speaker 1: impact on so many people's lives. So for me, I
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  Speaker 1: don't like the cold and I'll just tell you a
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  Speaker 1: quick story. So and in sixteen I was lucky enough
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  Speaker 1: to go on a retreat with the man himself, whim Hoff.
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  Speaker 2: So it was before he became a big name.
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  Speaker 1: There were around sixty five people on the retreat and
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  Speaker 1: about eight girls, and it was at one of those
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  Speaker 1: holiday camps early inlet in Victoria. So they called it
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  Speaker 1: a retreat, but it wasn't like a relaxing retreat in
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  Speaker 1: that sense. I was way out of my comfort zone
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  Speaker 1: even going as I didn't know anyone and I hadn't
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  Speaker 1: bunked in a dorm with complete strangers since my backpacking days,
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  Speaker 1: and it was for a whole week, and it was
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  Speaker 1: in the depths of the Melbourne winter. Anyway, long story short,
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  Speaker 1: it was an amazing experience. I spent ten minutes in
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  Speaker 1: a two degree ice bath while Wim played his guitar
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  Speaker 1: next to it. And I look back on that experience
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  Speaker 1: and I said yes to it. It was hard, and
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  Speaker 1: my mind went into this protection mode in the first
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  Speaker 1: couple of minutes, telling me I can't do this, but
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  Speaker 1: I did it anyway.
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  Speaker 2: You can do hard things.
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  Speaker 1: You need to be willing to feel a level of
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  Speaker 1: discomfort and not give into your overprotective mind. And you
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  Speaker 1: decide what that level of discomfort is. If it was
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  Speaker 1: on a scale of one to ten, where one is ah,
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  Speaker 1: this is easy, no problem at all, and ten is
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  Speaker 1: absolutely no way. I'm not doing that. That is so
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  Speaker 1: uncomfortable for me. What level are you willing to feel?
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  Speaker 1: And the more you do this, the discipline will develop.
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  Speaker 1: And it's about the willingness to feel the discomfort. You
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  Speaker 1: are choosing it because you're in training, so let's dive
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  Speaker 1: a bit deeper into emotional discomfort. So this involves accepting
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  Speaker 1: and coexisting with these uncomfortable feelings instead of avoiding them
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  Speaker 1: or trying to get rid of them, which is our default.
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  Speaker 1: We don't like feeling uncomfortables. You know, last week I
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  Speaker 1: talked about bringing stillness into our lives. So often being
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  Speaker 1: still and just being with ourselves with no distractions can
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  Speaker 1: be very uncomfortable. We live in this world where we
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  Speaker 1: are distracted all the time, and it's easy to fill
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  Speaker 1: that space with checking social media and checking emails, checking
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  Speaker 1: the news, and so it's easy to numb ourselves and
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  Speaker 1: not experience the thoughts and the emotions that come up
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  Speaker 1: in that moment. So to train my emotional regulation, I
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  Speaker 1: intentionally put myself in situations that push me out of
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  Speaker 1: my comfort zone and bring up a bit of anxiety
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  Speaker 1: or fear, you know, things like public speaking or talking
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  Speaker 1: to a stranger or speaking out about something I feel
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  Speaker 1: passionate about. What happens is I practice being able to
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  Speaker 1: accept and sit with the emotion rather than saying no
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  Speaker 1: and avoiding the discomfort that they bring.
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  Speaker 2: And that is how we grow.
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  Speaker 1: So I invite you to think about what you can
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  Speaker 1: do on a daily basis to train your discomfort tolerance.
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  Speaker 1: My advice is not to wait for the challenges to
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  Speaker 1: hit you, because they can hit you like a ton
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  Speaker 1: of bricks. So illness, a job loss, stress at work,
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  Speaker 1: financial crisis, start training for it now so you can
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  Speaker 1: build your resilience to the stress and be able to
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  Speaker 1: manage your emotions so you can then turn your attention
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  Speaker 1: to what needs to be done in that moment.
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  Speaker 2: Thank you so much for.
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  Speaker 1: Joining me this week, and you will catch Paul on
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  Speaker 1: Wednesday and Saturday, and I will catch you next week.
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  Speaker 1: Se Ya