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When An Avoidant Meets An Empath · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: This is Kim Lee, child and adolescent psychotherapist.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: This is an introduction to the forthcoming series, which has to do with when the anxious avoidant attachment style meets the empath.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Something of a gladiatorial sounding title, but actually there's nothing gladiatorial about it.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: The reason I'm wanting to examine this, having spent some time talking about attachment styles, I want to look at what happens when particular attachment styles meet and how they tend to pan out.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: In this particular combination, what I'm looking to try and do is to explain how people get caught and somewhat consumed by these kinds of relationships, only to be significantly damaged in the process, or to sometimes not even realize that they're in a relationship in which they are, to put it simply, being used and manipulated.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'm not suggesting that the abuse and the manipulation is necessarily conscious.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: However, I think by explaining we get to understand how these things are put together.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: And that's helpful, but that tends to be more helpful after the event.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I also want to make the point that explanations are not the same as excuses, particularly if the parties involved have a pattern where this seems to keep happening, because there is a point at which either of them has to say, why does this keep happening?
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because this isn't about the other person, it's about me.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: With the empath, they're more likely to do that because they tend to be reflective individuals.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: Whereas by definition, the avoidant doesn't.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: The avoidant tends to externalize and to say things like, why is it that everybody treats me so badly?
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: And then we'll recount goodness knows how many examples, which then support their view that they're being victimized.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: And to some extent, this is this is for them it's helpful because it attracts people who want to help them or rescue them.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: And even though the avoidant will declare, I'm not a victim, I don't want to be rescued, they nonetheless continue to continue to repeat the same narrative which becomes tiresome.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: They will constantly give examples of this self-maintaining belief that there is something about other people which is wrong.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, that's not the case at all.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: But the other thing that they do is they leave a trail of destruction in their wake because they, for a variety of reasons, don't appear to be able to play by the rules, they make their own.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: All I did was, and of course, the narrative is about distortion and externalization, it's distorting the truth.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: The empath will reach a point where they've just had enough, they're broken.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: And eventually the healthy empath will walk away and they will close every conceivable door behind them.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: And the distance that they gain gives them clarity.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: But they still have to ask themselves, how did I get into this?
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: How did I allow myself?
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: What part of me was activated in this?
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this isn't about it isn't about blame, certainly not for the empath.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: For the uh for the avoidant, I'm not so sure because the empath doesn't damage, the avoidant does.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: And the empath is somebody who's likely to reflect and take accountability for their actions, the avoidant doesn't do that.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think the purpose of this series is to sort of break this down into recognizable parts.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: So people who who are in these kinds of relationships where there's a there's a pattern of avoidance of reality, a distortion of events, a reframing of how things happen, a distorted narrative which doesn't include the whole truth, an avoidance of facing conflict and disagreement.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: But for the empath, I think it's important that they they're able to make sense of what's happened so that they can recover.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because actually, you know, people don't deserve to have those sorts of relationships that bleed them dry and damage them.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: And very often an empath will, once they realize, they will move on healthily and form a relationship with somebody who is actually able to not just recognise the rules but play by them.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: And that's just about being reasonable, open, honest, and those sorts of things.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: So I really hope this I really hope this series helps.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: I've been asked by some people if I could do something on this.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: And the sorts of things I've heard are I I want to know, I want to better understand why I have these experiences, or I want to make sense of why it is that I've ended up feeling so incredibly battered, I feel broken by this experience, and helping them to look at actually the dynamics of those relationships, what happens inside them, how to leave them, and that's the single most important path because when you do, you take the power back, and you will leave and rightly leave the avoidant with nothing to say, and nothing that they have to say will be available to you.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Whereas previously you would have been locked into the narrative and responding to the narrative.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: Whereas when you shut the door and when you say enough, you can recover, and then you create this distance, which I think is so important, and then you start taking care of yourself, then you start putting yourself first, and that makes it possible for you to become or to return to the person who has the kinds of values and the kinds of principles that work really well in relationships.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: Recovery is very powerful and it happens in stages, but first we have to understand what we're recovering from.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: So this first episode will be coming soon, and I hope the introduction wets your appetite.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.