Latest / Questionable Detour / Killing people at the Bass Pro pyramid, peeing rocks, and a shrimp cult

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Killing people at the Bass Pro pyramid, peeing rocks, and a shrimp cult · Questionable Detour

0:00
Excuse me, what is going on here?
0:04
But first we're gonna make a little detour.
0:09
So absurd, so questionable.
0:12
I guess we're just the weirdos.
0:15
Expect the detour.
0:25
Do you know a lot of courageous people?
0:26
Who, who are the most courageous people that you know?
0:29
Steve.
0:30
Who? No, tell us about Steve.
0:33
Seems like a guy that we don't really know that maybe or may not be made up.
0:38
We kind of know who you know.
0:40
Steve is courageous in the fact that he goes through drive-through lines but not with a car.
0:44
Oh, okay.
0:45
He walks up and makes the car noises though.
0:49
Sort of a...
0:51
He just sits there and putters for a minute.
0:52
Like the invisible boatmobile from SpongeBob.
0:55
And the people open their window of the McDonald's and Steve just presses some fake window button.
1:05
Let's the imaginary window go down.
1:07
He's like, what was that?
1:08
What was that? I didn't hear you.
1:10
He pretends to roll it back in.
1:12
Stupid McDonald's employees.
1:15
I cannot believe them.
1:16
They sit there and hear him.
1:18
Yeah. So what does he do?
1:20
Like when he gets his food, you know, usually when you get your food, you just kind of put it down in your passenger seat.
1:24
Does he just kind of drop it off to his right?
1:26
It takes him a while to get out the drive-through.
1:28
Because he does.
1:29
He drops it to the side as if there's a passenger seat.
1:32
But obviously courageous Steve ends up dropping it onto the ground.
1:38
Picks it up, drops it again, picks it up, drops it again.
1:40
He's courageous, not fast is what I'm saying.
1:43
He's courageous, not smart.
1:45
He's courageous.
1:46
I think courage takes some sort of...
1:49
There's a stupidity component to it, you know?
1:51
There's a fine line between stupidity and bravery.
1:53
He's courageous. Steve is not a smart guy.
1:55
Courageous, not smart.
1:57
How long have you known Steve?
1:58
Since yesterday.
2:00
I rode with him. He picked me up actually.
2:02
He showed up to my house, honked the horn, his horn, in his car, quote unquote.
2:08
And I come out and I'm like...
2:09
And that was the first time you met him?
2:10
Yeah, yeah.
2:12
You walk outside to anybody that honks their horn?
2:15
Yeah, well I'm always ready to go.
2:17
That just lousily like scream, like imitates a car horn?
2:21
Yeah, he sounded like a goose.
2:23
You're like, what is this car person doing?
2:27
Well, I mean, imagine it.
2:29
You're sitting at home, you know, watching whatever show you're watching.
2:33
All of a sudden you're hearing honk, honk, honk outside.
2:35
Like, is that a Canadian goose? No.
2:37
Who among us hasn't gone outside looking for a goose before?
2:40
Who hasn't investigated a goose scene before?
2:43
Exactly.
2:44
You walk outside your door and you see a man with short denim shorts and mutton chops.
2:48
Oh, it gets better.
2:49
And he waves you over to him.
2:52
What else would you do?
2:53
Really paints a picture.
2:55
I walk up to him and say, how are you doing?
2:57
He puts his finger up, tell me to hold on, rolls down the passenger side window.
3:02
What kind of shirt Steve wears?
3:04
Tie-dye, sleeveless, t-shirt, you know.
3:07
That is courage.
3:09
Yeah.
3:10
He is courageous.
3:11
What's it like to ride with him?
3:12
He's a good driver.
3:13
But you have, there's a lot of participation on your part.
3:16
He hit, he hit an old person the other day.
3:19
Like in the street.
3:20
With his fist?
3:21
Yeah.
3:22
Just assaulted him.
3:23
Oh man.
3:25
So the Steve is a good guy or?
3:27
I'd never say he's a good guy.
3:28
We said he's a courageous guy.
3:29
Courageous and stupid.
3:30
Steve is.
3:32
But yeah, I hopped in his car, you know, pantomime and opened the door.
3:36
You know, sitting down in his car.
3:38
He's like, my name's Steve.
3:39
I was like, it smells like cigarettes in here.
3:43
That's just his general aroma.
3:46
It's just Steve.
3:47
He leaned over his nipple, fell out.
3:49
I was like, come on, Steve.
3:50
His nipple fell out?
3:51
His nipple fell out.
3:52
If they're attached to like Slinkies.
3:55
Oh, okay.
3:56
Of course.
3:57
Courage.
3:58
You know.
3:59
You should have led with that.
4:01
I feel like now I can finally see Steve for who he is.
4:05
Well, I really wanted to give the same emotional drop that he gave me.
4:09
Like, I didn't know that about Steve originally.
4:11
And then all of a sudden, boom, there's some nipples attached to Slinkies font.
4:15
Nipples attached to Slinkies font out of his tie-dye shirt.
4:18
So you say you rode with him.
4:20
Does that basically mean you just walked here?
4:22
I mean, no.
4:24
Like you and Steve just walked side by side?
4:26
No, no.
4:27
I know in your heart you drove here or you rode here with him.
4:30
But like you were in stride with him.
4:33
Full transparency.
4:34
I was for a while.
4:35
We looked like a tandem gazelle team just bounding through Memphis.
4:40
Is that the name of Steve's car?
4:42
Full transparency.
4:47
Steve has...
4:51
There's layers to that.
4:55
Steve doesn't know the word transparency.
4:58
No, we were in step with each other.
5:01
I got tired as I am not in shape and I piggyback rode Steve the rest of the way here.
5:06
So.
5:07
Very strong guy.
5:08
Yeah, I was about to say.
5:10
Great legs.
5:11
Guys gotta have a great physique.
5:14
He walks everywhere.
5:16
He's running.
5:17
Oh, do you want his back?
5:19
Yeah, I like Yoda and Star Wars.
5:21
Let me see if I can get this.
5:23
So Steve is running tie-dye shirt, sleeveless.
5:26
Denim shorts.
5:27
Denim shorts.
5:28
He's got Slinky nipples.
5:29
Short denim shorts.
5:31
Short denim shorts.
5:32
Hey, I thought you were saying...
5:33
Hey, short denim shorts.
5:38
Like if he takes a weird angle, his testicles are...
5:41
Yeah, I was about to say.
5:42
It looks like his pocket slides out under the shorts.
5:47
Yeah, you can tell that he has a pack of Marlboro's in those white pockets.
5:52
I'm surprised he keeps them in the pack because when you've been describing this guy, he sounds like a loose cigarette guy.
5:57
He just keeps them loosely in his pocket.
6:01
Yeah, you know.
6:02
He takes a couple of drags off one and puts it behind his ear for later.
6:05
Yeah.
6:07
Yeah, so you're riding on his bag.
6:09
Nipples springy.
6:11
Slinky nipples just going all over the place.
6:15
Testicles doing the same, I'm assuming.
6:17
Yeah, well, they look like a speed bag that Rocky would punch.
6:21
A lot of appendages just dangling and such.
6:24
He is running at full speed down the interstate.
6:27
How well does his full speed handle traffic, like the flow of traffic?
6:33
He handles traffic well.
6:34
Would I say the general population handles him?
6:38
Well, no, I would not.
6:39
Lots of honking, but not Steve honking.
6:42
Doesn't he do the goose honk?
6:45
Yeah, but he honks.
6:47
His honk has character.
6:49
It has depth and layers.
6:52
Vibrato.
6:53
Yeah, it's not a car.
6:56
It's a work of art.
6:57
Oh, gosh.
6:58
If you could, Steve could honk on a piece of paper.
7:02
I'd put it in an art museum so fast.
7:05
If you could bottle that honk, would you drink it?
7:10
You could bottle that honk.
7:12
You think it could power a city?
7:14
Does the honk just go everywhere?
7:17
Does it spill all over the place?
7:20
Listen, I go everywhere when I hear the honk.
7:22
You spill all over the place.
7:25
Boy howdy.
7:28
Turned into liquid.
7:29
Steve, shout out to you.
7:30
I'm gonna have to call you to come pick me up, seeing as I didn't drive here.
7:34
It's always nice to learn about new people in your life.
7:37
Yeah.
7:38
You know, I'm all about meeting new friends.
7:40
But welcome to Questionable Detour.
7:42
Let's do a hypothetical.
7:44
Beep-bop over the detour.
7:47
Dave, can I pose a somewhat abstract, purely hypothetical question?
7:52
I guess I want to apologize for asking a hypothetical question.
7:55
Well, that's a hypothetical question.
7:58
All right, well, for our first hypothetical here,
8:01
we have a listener submitted email that kind of take a dive into first.
8:06
But Thiggins here writes in to us and says, hello, Questionable Detour.
8:11
Love the podcast.
8:12
We love you.
8:13
We love you, Thiggins.
8:14
Next time, give us your name so we don't have to...
8:17
Unless your name is Thiggins.
8:19
We don't want to overlook that possibility.
8:23
Who writes an email without a name?
8:25
Thiggins.
8:26
Anyway, he says, hello, Questionable Detour.
8:29
Love the podcast.
8:30
So here I am sitting in the mall and I see someone coming out of the bathroom
8:34
with toilet paper on their shoe.
8:35
I have been listening to the podcast and I was wondering what absolute insane
8:39
things you guys would do to let a person know that they have toilet paper
8:43
on their shoe after coming out of the bathroom.
8:45
So, boys, that'll be our first hypothetical today.
8:48
You see, a poor old chap, an old chap, didn't pay attention when he was,
8:54
you know, coming out of the bathroom, tidying up his business in there.
8:59
What are you going to do to let this person know that, hey, you got a white trail?
9:05
First of all, Thiggins, anything that we say is not insane.
9:08
I think you kind of after hearing this episode, you will have one of three
9:13
options to choose from, and that's it.
9:15
There's no other option.
9:17
Yeah, no.
9:18
Anything we do say on this podcast, we do put the QD Guarantee behind.
9:22
So we wouldn't say anything that's, quote unquote, insane, quote unquote,
9:28
mentally unstable, quote unquote.
9:31
Here in the studio, we actually have a comically large stamp that we stamp things
9:36
with here, and it just says QD Guarantee with a little check mark.
9:41
Yeah, but it's misspelled.
9:43
So QD is.
9:45
So what would you all do?
9:47
What would you all do?
9:47
First of all, you see somebody come out of the bathroom, toilet paper stuck to their shoe.
9:52
What are you all doing? If I saw that happening,
9:55
I immediately know what just happened in the bathroom.
9:58
I know what's going on and I would help them go finish the job.
10:02
Where is people who aren't as intuitive as you are?
10:06
What happened in the bathroom?
10:08
He was clearly trying to mummify himself.
10:12
And he either maybe got a little apprehensive about it or just thought that it
10:19
would eventually work itself out. It did not.
10:21
He's just got it on his shoe.
10:23
So I would go up there.
10:25
Toilet paper rolls in hand.
10:26
You already have the toilet paper.
10:28
Yeah. You carry around toilet paper.
10:30
I have three rolls on me right now.
10:33
Just like in your pockets.
10:34
Just anytime you need to be mummified.
10:38
Well, I do carry them around in my pockets.
10:40
The problem is, though, is that toilet paper rolls themselves are kind of odd
10:44
shaped, so I have to unspool them and carry them around my pockets.
10:48
Yeah.
10:49
There's toilet paper in your pockets.
10:50
Like a guy with a cold or something.
10:52
Ran out of Kleenex.
10:55
It's a bad cold.
10:57
Three hundred foot toilet toilet paper.
11:00
But yeah, so you carry toilet paper around, which is normal.
11:03
We shouldn't probably go into that anymore.
11:06
The weirdo is the guy walking out of the bathroom who didn't finish the job.
11:08
He didn't finish the job.
11:09
He's not in his pocket.
11:10
The toilet paper was in his pocket.
11:11
So weirdo.
11:12
So what do you do?
11:13
I just I stop him, grab him by the shoulders and I say, my friend, allow me
11:18
to help you ascend.
11:22
How do they usually take that?
11:23
Weirdly enough, they always act like, what are you talking about?
11:27
Like they don't like they don't know.
11:28
Like they don't.
11:29
They're embarrassed.
11:31
They're playing hard to get.
11:33
And I look him in the eye and I say, who you trying to kid, man?
11:36
Look who you're talking to.
11:37
And then I immediately sort of wrap him up with toilet paper.
11:40
Oh, right there in front of right there in front of everybody in the middle of the mall.
11:43
That's the only way to overcome your fear is to have your fear attacked publicly.
11:48
I would stand by that.
11:51
Yeah, I agree.
11:53
Now, when you say don't kid yourself, are you dressed up as a child?
11:57
Yeah, I've got one of those little like spinny helicopter hats on like a 50s child.
12:02
I've given myself freckles, painted them on with a red marker.
12:06
Yeah.
12:08
And you have like the overalls, but they're shorts.
12:10
Yeah.
12:11
One of them. One of the overall straps is kind of hanging out.
12:14
I'm a disheveled kid.
12:16
I didn't have a good home life.
12:19
That's really none of anybody's business.
12:21
Dad never came back.
12:22
Went out for pack.
12:23
Yeah.
12:24
You pulled up by like drifting on a tricycle, right?
12:27
Yeah.
12:28
Comically small tricycle.
12:32
Saving up for a green machine.
12:34
Yeah.
12:37
Now, what happens after you do mummify this person or at least wrap them in bandages?
12:42
What happens after that?
12:44
Well, what I'll do is I'll take them to a ceremonial burying ground.
12:51
Now, there's not a huge like Egyptian community in the States.
12:57
You know, ordinarily, that's where I would go.
12:59
The closest thing that I can do is go to the Memphis pyramid,
13:03
which is currently a Bass Pro.
13:05
And I take them to the center of the pyramid.
13:09
I lay their mummified body.
13:12
They're already mummified.
13:13
Well, yeah, I've already wrapped them up.
13:15
I've got them out of that mall.
13:17
They're out of that bad situation.
13:18
They're now where they want to be.
13:20
You've taken them from a mall and put them in a large store.
13:25
The closest thing I can find to a pyramid.
13:26
They're scared of the mall.
13:30
So they wanted to go to one of the largest outdoor shopping stores in the world.
13:35
Yeah, you're just transferring them in malls.
13:39
They don't like square buildings.
13:42
Now, are you learning these facts from these people or are you just assuming?
13:47
I have got Egypt's Wikipedia page pulled up on my phone and I just I learned about it that way.
13:52
Do you know that these people want to be in the pyramid?
13:56
How are you handling these people?
13:58
Because I doubt they're doing something on their own free will.
14:03
How are you? How are you subduing these people with toilet paper?
14:06
It sounds like that's a lot of toilet paper.
14:09
I've got a friend.
14:12
His name is Herman.
14:14
I'm tired of meeting your friends.
14:17
It's because you don't have.
14:18
Yes, I guess so.
14:20
Herman, he has a wheelbarrow.
14:22
And so usually me and Herman, we kind of we kind of roll together most of the time.
14:27
In the wheelbarrow?
14:29
Yeah, we'll swap out.
14:30
I'll ride. He'll push.
14:31
And we thought it was like attached to your tricycle, like, you know, you're towing it behind your tricycle.
14:37
Well, yeah, that actually would be a good idea.
14:39
I should bring that up to him.
14:41
All of our brain cells between Alan and Herman.
14:44
Figure that one out.
14:45
Me and Herman, we share the same brain cells.
14:48
So, yeah, Herman's always there.
14:50
Kind of after I get him wrapped up, I we kind of do a little combo.
14:53
I kind of do a spin kick, kick the mummified body into the wheelbarrow and he just pushes them off.
14:59
It's really cool.
14:59
So we drive it out to the pyramid.
15:02
We laid that mummified body down in the center of the pyramid.
15:05
People are doing the shopping around.
15:06
What's the general reaction of people as you are laying this mummified body?
15:11
Well, I mean, this is the pyramid Bass Pro.
15:13
They're used to seeing dead things all around.
15:16
There's plenty of stuffed animals in there.
15:19
This is essentially another dead animal.
15:20
What happens if a child comes up and goes, can I buy this?
15:24
What do you do? What's your reaction?
15:26
I say he is not ascended yet.
15:28
You will not break the ascension with financial qualms.
15:37
You speak to this kid in riddles.
15:40
That's what you're supposed to say.
15:42
You. Oh, there's like a handbook.
15:44
Yeah.
15:46
You're like a call call center.
15:49
You like have a things you have to work through.
15:52
It's like how Beetlejuice in that movie,
15:54
they have the handbook for the recently deceased.
15:57
I've got a handbook for about to be deceased recently mummified to be deceased.
16:04
Yeah. Yeah.
16:05
And so that's kind of the script that you say to them.
16:07
You say it to anybody that asks no matter no matter a child,
16:10
no matter an old person, you say to anybody.
16:13
Got you.
16:14
Now at the center of the Bass Pro,
16:15
there is a section where it's just water and crocodiles.
16:20
Is that a issue whenever you're trying to mummify these people?
16:24
Do the crocs try to come and take the body in the water?
16:27
Yeah.
16:27
That's what's at the center of the pyramid.
16:29
They probably are pretty angry as the amount of toilet paper would take to
16:33
subdue a human individual would be the same amount to soak up every bit of that water in there.
16:38
Well, not every bit.
16:39
That water mixes with that toilet paper and it just gets nasty.
16:42
Yeah, it's wet.
16:43
It immediately like it's no longer stuck together at all.
16:48
It's almost paper mache on their body.
16:52
So I've got them floating around.
16:53
I've got an inflatable tube.
16:56
They're floating around kind of lazy river style.
17:00
I've put googly eyes over over top of where their eyes would be.
17:03
You want to be relatable.
17:04
Yeah. Yeah. Just so just so people know where to look.
17:06
They say the eyes are window to the soul.
17:08
Yeah.
17:09
And you want people to stare in this guy's soul.
17:11
Yeah. Yeah.
17:12
So we kind of me and then all of the employees and shoppers,
17:16
we all kind of follow behind him as he floats down the down the river.
17:21
Let me tell you, you're a charismatic leader to be able to get all those people to join in on this.
17:27
Yeah.
17:28
It's impressive.
17:29
Do you all chant?
17:30
Sing?
17:30
Yeah.
17:31
We do a lot of we do a lot of chanting.
17:34
Do we know a chant?
17:36
Give us a chant.
17:37
Yeah. So they're they're wrapped up as a mummy.
17:39
So I think the most popular chant is mummy.
17:42
Don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys.
17:48
What about here coming the mummy?
17:55
No, no, that's that's a good.
17:57
It's a great one.
17:58
I think I think that one would definitely work.
18:01
Don't be a dummy.
18:02
Become a mummy.
18:02
Yeah. Yeah, that's good.
18:04
Nothing yummy like a mummy.
18:09
But that's interesting.
18:11
So you're walking around Bass Pro shop.
18:13
How does this end?
18:14
How does how does this ritual end?
18:16
It ends when we can't we can't exactly bury him in the pyramid because it is a place of business.
18:22
And you know, we don't want to we don't want to hurt the good people at Bass Pro company.
18:28
So we sort of bury him at sea, if you will.
18:31
But the closest large body of water is the Mississippi River.
18:35
So we just kind of shove him out there.
18:38
Now, do you take him to the top of the pyramid?
18:40
For people that don't know the Bass Pro pyramid is right on the Mississippi.
18:44
Just literally right next to it.
18:46
Do you take this very slick toilet paper mummy individual to the top of the pyramid?
18:52
Slide him down the pyramid?
18:54
You know, ramp at the end.
18:55
Yeah.
18:57
Send him off.
18:58
Yeah, we take that tube that he's been floating around on.
19:01
We bring him up to the lodge up top.
19:04
People are taking pictures of their families.
19:06
We've got a not dead yet guy on a tube and we just kind of slide him out.
19:13
I could have consolidated that name.
19:14
Well, not that guy.
19:16
You know, I'm going to make that a little shorter.
19:19
That's what that's what we like to identify.
19:22
The handbook says so.
19:24
I'm not going to argue with this handbook.
19:28
Did you write the handbook?
19:29
No, it was written by Dallin.
19:32
Dallin?
19:32
Dallin?
19:33
Yep.
19:34
I wouldn't think too much into it.
19:37
All right.
19:38
Well, sort of a one word name.
19:40
Kind of like Cher.
19:42
I still don't know about him.
19:44
But yeah, then you just slide him down the side of the pyramid off the ramp into the Mississippi.
19:50
Yeah.
19:50
Unless he has so much inertia and momentum.
19:53
He just goes right over the Mississippi lens in the bushes.
19:55
It's unlikely.
19:56
How many dead people on the other side of the Mississippi River right now?
19:58
Usually they do not make it that far.
20:01
How many people are on this side of the Mississippi River?
20:05
On the Tennessee side.
20:08
Most of the time they sink fairly quickly.
20:12
Is it because you attach multiple weights to their ankles?
20:15
Yes.
20:16
Yeah, that's definitely it.
20:18
We've got a series of cinder blocks that are just strapped to them via bunchy cords.
20:23
So it's a rough ride down when those things are popping them all over the place.
20:28
And somehow not the worst part of what is about to happen.
20:31
It's out of the frying pan into the fire for sure.
20:35
And you know, hey, it's exactly what that guy wanted when he came out of the bathroom with toilet paper on his shoe.
20:40
Yeah.
20:41
I think that's what he asked for.
20:43
That's what he asked for.
20:43
I can't think of any other good idea, but I feel like there are a couple other good ideas that I probably missed out on.
20:51
So, Evan, what about you?
20:52
How are you handling a situation?
20:54
How are you helping a person that has toilet paper on their shoe?
20:57
Sure.
20:58
So I didn't go straight into thinking that they were a mummy.
21:01
And maybe that's...
21:02
Most wouldn't.
21:03
Yeah, maybe that's on me.
21:05
But the creative mind.
21:07
In my head, the most embarrassing thing that can happen to you is you walk out of the bathroom with toilet paper on there.
21:14
Everybody's looking at you.
21:15
They know where you just were.
21:16
They know what you just did, how you just violated a room, you know, and a stall.
21:23
What do you do in a bathroom?
21:24
You personally, what do you do in a bathroom that you think people violate?
21:28
Do you yank those doors open without permission?
21:30
There's a lot of animal noises.
21:32
Yeah.
21:33
Most people are sweating and not everybody makes it out alive.
21:36
Now, my question was, what do you do personally in the bathroom?
21:41
And you answered with most people are sweating.
21:42
What are you doing to those people in there?
21:44
Why are they sweating?
21:46
Are you?
21:47
Do you kick the door down?
21:48
I kick and stand there.
21:49
It depends on which way the door opens.
21:51
If it is supposed to open inward, I yank it off.
21:55
If it opens to the inside, then I pull it back towards me and I yank it off the hinges.
22:03
Those doors are not easy to yank off.
22:06
It's a violent.
22:07
It is.
22:08
That's where the animal noises come in.
22:10
And then they see me standing there hard as a diamond in an ice storm.
22:20
Because of all the crunches you do, your muscles you're talking about, right?
22:25
Yeah, my washboard has.
22:29
And I say, what you're working on in there?
22:34
Like the workshop.
22:36
Yeah, like they're whittling something away in there.
22:39
They're working on something there.
22:40
You know, they got their own business.
22:43
They're trying to take care of the sweat shop in the bathroom.
22:47
So anyway, I'm just trying to figure out what they got going on.
22:52
If they're going through some personal trauma that they're working through,
22:55
you want to be like their therapist a little bit.
22:59
So you kick the door down in a fit of rage and then you want to help them out
23:03
with their problems whenever people are at their scaredest.
23:09
That is when they're going to open up to you the most.
23:12
They're going to want to tell you.
23:14
It's amazing what people will tell you when they're figuring for their lives.
23:18
They will. They'll say anything.
23:20
They'll say anything to get you to go away.
23:23
So that's why I just walked them through a therapy session.
23:26
And because they'll say they'll say the darn people say the darndest things.
23:30
And
23:31
but all that is besides the point.
23:35
That's not answering the question.
23:38
It was a detour.
23:39
That's free for everyone.
23:41
Yeah, we're all paying for it somewhere.
23:44
So back to it.
23:46
What are you doing to help the person with the.
23:48
Yeah. So anyway, like I was saying, it's a most embarrassing time to just walk out
23:55
with something on your shoes and people think that you just tore up the bathroom.
23:59
So I would try to take the shame and the embarrassment away from these people.
24:04
And I would try to deflect it to myself just to save them a little bit of pain in that area.
24:10
How would you do that?
24:11
So I would run up and I would kind of push the person over trying to get to this
24:16
toilet paper. I'm trying to get to this toilet paper.
24:20
No matter what happens to the person, I'm trying to get to this toilet paper.
24:24
Yeah. So I sometimes have to tackle them.
24:27
Sometimes I have to roundhouse kick them.
24:30
Sometimes I go for the knees from the front.
24:34
And that doesn't always some people have to go to the emergency room after that.
24:38
But but they don't have toilet paper on their right.
24:40
They don't have they're not embarrassed
24:42
by having toilet paper on their shoe because I'm screaming.
24:45
I got a piss.
24:47
I got a piss so bad.
24:49
Why are you yelling that?
24:51
Because I need people to know that I needed this toilet paper, that this is my toilet paper.
24:55
You need toilet paper to urinate as a male?
24:57
I pee through it.
25:05
You pee through it.
25:06
You pee through it. What does that mean?
25:10
What does that mean you pee through it?
25:11
You can't. You guys don't filter your pee?
25:15
You filter it.
25:17
How do you know if there's not sand or gravel that's getting into the.
25:22
Evan, do you have sand and gravel?
25:24
What's the ply level in your toilet paper?
25:27
Because I think I can be I think I can be through toilet paper.
25:30
So your toilet paper has got to be like five or six ply.
25:33
Yes.
25:34
So you got to you got to put up a series of different plies.
25:37
It's a real scientific process.
25:40
So you got to put the one ply that filters out the heavier stuff like rocks.
25:44
Marbles.
25:46
Right.
25:47
Right.
25:49
A Lego or two large kidney stones.
25:52
Any sheet rock that might have come out.
25:55
All right.
25:56
And then you have your two ply, which goes right behind that.
25:58
And that filters out things like sand, the smaller materials, sand,
26:03
the smaller kidney stones that you may have, other small objects such as rice.
26:09
And then the three ply, which is, you know, a more it's a better barrier.
26:15
So that that'll get out the rest of like any dirt or anything floating around in
26:18
there, dust bunnies. Right.
26:20
That might happen to be involved.
26:22
Sure.
26:23
I didn't realize we were such a scientific podcast.
26:26
Yeah.
26:27
Well, like I just said, I've been silenced most of my life for a lot of the
26:31
scientific discoveries that I found.
26:33
The government does not want to get out because of the things that you would
26:37
yell at people.
26:38
Well, I yelled those things because I have rocks in my urine.
26:43
Exactly.
26:44
Yeah, that was one of them.
26:47
You would yell rock on as you've just.
26:49
Yeah.
26:49
Urinated.
26:50
Yeah.
26:51
Rock me like a wagon wheel.
26:53
Exactly.
26:54
And was that because I was, quote unquote, rock hard in my abs, but also in my urethra?
27:01
Yeah.
27:02
My urethra was rock hard.
27:04
Now, when you were when you were aggressively peeing rocks,
27:08
I just I want to I want to circle back to that.
27:13
And some of the times when you were doing
27:16
the just barrel rolls, did you call that the Rolling Stone?
27:20
You were doing barrel rolls?
27:21
I didn't know that.
27:22
That is sometimes how I subdue people
27:24
whenever I need to get the toilet paper off their shoes.
27:27
So you have to tackle and assault multiple
27:31
people to get enough toilet paper to eventually filter out your inevitable urine.
27:36
Yeah.
27:37
That is mostly solids, apparently.
27:39
It's like a snake throwing up.
27:42
When you pee in an airline cockpit,
27:46
do you call that a Stone Temple pilot?
27:50
So I'm not allowed to pee on airplane pilot or airplane toilet.
28:04
So, Evan, Evan, Evan, Evan, Evan, Evan, Evan, Evan, Evan, Evan,
28:09
how do you figure out that you're not allowed to pee on airline pilots?
28:13
The last three or four times
28:16
I've walked onto an American Airlines flight, knocked on the cockpit door.
28:20
Immediately, the flight attendants were like, can we help you with anything?
28:24
I said, yeah, I've got a Stone Temple pilot I got to take care of.
28:29
And they immediately say, what is that?
28:30
I said, don't worry about it.
28:32
It's between me and the pilots.
28:33
You radio him.
28:34
He knows what I'm talking about.
28:35
So, of course, she radios him the pilots like I know exactly what this guy means.
28:39
So she lets me in.
28:41
And the pilot is just looking at me, talking to me for a second.
28:46
And, you know, of course, I start peeing on him
28:49
as it goes.
28:51
And he's OK with it at first.
28:53
But as soon as one of these stones
28:57
projectiles out of my urethra and just pierces his eye,
29:02
he says, that's too much.
29:05
You're not allowed to do this anymore.
29:07
And a US Marshal arrested me, hogtied me and tossed me out the emergency exit.
29:14
You were on a plane like two days ago, right?
29:16
Yeah.
29:17
That's when it happened.
29:18
That's how I got home.
29:19
I'm very tired.
29:22
It takes a lot of effort.
29:23
The P rocks.
29:25
Yeah, I have learned much more than I intended to learn about you.
29:29
You should see a doctor.
29:30
Yeah, yeah.
29:31
I don't know. So he can do tests on me and see how we can get this for everyone else.
29:36
I personally don't want to pee urinate.
29:38
I feel like it would hurt.
29:40
Yeah, sometimes my urination hurts anyway.
29:43
So and I don't even pee rocks.
29:45
So I can't imagine the feeling that that would I don't know that would give.
29:49
I don't know if I want to dig into that.
29:51
Yeah, that sounds like more of a problem than my thing.
29:54
Yeah, like, here's like there's a reason my hurts.
29:59
As far as as far as I go, as some as a man of the people and as somebody with
30:05
as much empathy as they have humility, I'm going to get a blow dart gun, tag them
30:09
right in the neck with a dart.
30:11
It's not going to have poison on it.
30:13
It's just going to hit him right in the neck.
30:14
They're not going to go down immediately.
30:16
Hit him with another one.
30:17
They're going to start running.
30:19
Yeah.
30:20
Are these tranquilizer darts or are they just regular darts?
30:22
They're just darts.
30:23
Have you ever seen a dart you throw at a dart board?
30:25
It's just that.
30:26
Okay.
30:26
All right. It's just that.
30:27
And they start running because they're getting hit by darts in a mall.
30:31
A couple in the neck.
30:32
I'm very accurate.
30:33
That just sounds painful.
30:35
I would imagine it is.
30:36
They start running.
30:37
I hit him with a few more darts.
30:39
I need to catch them.
30:40
The darts didn't work.
30:41
So I get a horse.
30:42
I chased him down like an old West movie.
30:46
Lasso swinging above my head.
30:48
Tag him.
30:49
Get him around the ankles.
30:50
Start dragging him through the ball.
30:51
Okay. Right.
30:52
Right. I'm here.
30:55
Are you following me?
30:56
Are you following me on the horse?
30:57
That's what I'm asking.
30:58
Do y'all want in?
30:58
I mean, you're dragging a guy.
31:00
We have to follow you.
31:01
Yeah.
31:01
It's very obvious where you're at.
31:03
I want to hear the rest of it before I agree to join in.
31:06
You commit.
31:07
Eventually I stop.
31:09
And what I do is in the center of the mall, I throw the lasso that I have around
31:17
his ankles around a banister above and just haul him up like he's a fresh caught
31:22
tuna. And I start a bidding war.
31:24
I started a bidding war on this guy.
31:25
And I make it seem like he is a much more valuable person with the toilet paper.
31:30
And you'll be amazed on how many people bid.
31:32
Because I mean, imagine you're walking through a mall.
31:35
You just got out of Hot Topic.
31:37
You're buying a lava lamp or whatever.
31:39
Those weirdo emo people.
31:41
What year is this?
31:42
This is every year.
31:44
Okay.
31:44
For the last 25 years.
31:46
Okay.
31:46
You see me up on a podium wearing an ascot and tight leather pants.
31:52
And I start doing the hoobadoobadoobadoobadoo that auctioneers do.
31:56
You're like, I kind of want to buy that.
31:59
Yeah.
31:59
Everybody else is trying.
32:00
Everybody else is trying.
32:02
They're raising their hand and I'm pointing at them.
32:04
Y'all wouldn't want to buy a man with a piece of toilet paper attached to him.
32:08
Are there any skills the man has?
32:10
I don't know.
32:11
I literally shot him with a dark gun.
32:14
So you don't vet them at all prior to shooting them with the dark gun and
32:18
beginning the process.
32:19
Yeah. I go as far as just the toilet paper on their shoe.
32:21
Okay. Okay.
32:22
And also a shadow box.
32:23
You know, you can hang them up on your wall.
32:25
You just got to feed them.
32:27
You know, give them a little hamster, a drinking bottle thing, upside down drinking bottle.
32:31
You don't have to feed them though, right?
32:34
If you don't want a dead guy in a shadow box, you do.
32:37
That's up to you.
32:37
You bought them.
32:38
You're so... Do what you will.
32:40
I kind of don't like somebody telling me what to do with my property.
32:42
This is America. I get it.
32:44
And I apologize.
32:45
But do what you want with them.
32:46
The shadow box is there as an option.
32:48
Hang them from a ceiling fan.
32:50
What a conversation piece.
32:53
What a conversation piece.
32:55
It really ties the room together.
32:56
It ties a room together.
32:59
Now, would you tie them from the middle of the ceiling fan or like on one of the blades?
33:03
I would say one of the blades.
33:05
Good.
33:05
Yeah.
33:07
I'm glad you accept that and appreciate that.
33:10
Yeah.
33:11
That way when somebody walks in, did you just raise your hand?
33:16
I was...
33:17
I guess I won.
33:21
Are we becoming more civilized?
33:24
Excuse me, sir.
33:27
I'd like to talk.
33:28
I have got a question.
33:30
I have an inquiry.
33:32
Go ahead with your inquiry.
33:35
To be honest with you, I don't even remember what it was.
33:39
Well, I guess I'll get back to it.
33:41
But yeah, you know, you tied up the ceiling fan.
33:44
Somebody comes in and they say, oh, what a great centerpiece you have.
33:48
And it's just a dude spinning around on a ceiling fan.
33:53
Usually things are pretty low.
33:55
So he's bouncing his head off every couch and coffee table as he spins.
33:59
Can he be taught humorous anecdotes?
34:03
Let's say that I've got a group of people coming over for like a little get together.
34:09
Yeah.
34:10
I've cooked a dinner, got some music playing.
34:14
It's a dude in the middle of the room.
34:17
I've got a guy swinging from my ceiling fan.
34:21
Can he learn a few jokes?
34:22
Maybe just as sort of an entertainment piece.
34:25
Well, how long has he been spinning from the ceiling fan?
34:28
Because once the blood rushes to his head, he kind of gets kind of foggy.
34:32
I guess we'll need to do that early in the day.
34:35
You could hang him with his feet facing down.
34:38
Yeah, you could.
34:39
I think you would have a different effect just to keep the blood.
34:42
You know, yeah.
34:43
The main concern is the blood.
34:44
Where would you hang him from? Do whatever you want.
34:46
But I was going to say, if he can't speak because the blood is rushing ahead,
34:50
record yourself with a recorder, duct tape it to his chest.
34:54
That way it's just you saying.
34:57
That way I get the credit for the jokes and the swinging guy in the fan.
35:05
This is exactly why people bid on him.
35:08
Originally is because people people naturally draw this conclusion.
35:12
I do want to say one more thing about the ceiling fan.
35:15
It would be even funnier because he would have like a little bit of a Doppler effect
35:19
as he swung by and he's like, have you heard the one about the post?
35:31
Your Doppler effect sounds kind of like Seinfeld.
35:34
He basically is the Doppler effect.
35:38
Another option, unscrew your broom.
35:42
Use the broomsticks, whack them a little bit.
35:44
Oh, pinata.
35:45
Just have at him.
35:47
I don't think there's candy in him unless you fed him candy.
35:51
Now there's an idea.
35:53
And I feel like he might not he might not bust like a pinata does.
35:57
You have him swinging around, hitting him with sticks.
35:59
He's going to you're going to see the candy that you fed him.
36:01
You know, it's going to be more of a leak than a bust.
36:04
Yeah. Yeah.
36:05
But anyway, yeah, that's that's what you do to people that have toilet paper
36:09
attached to their shoe. Anybody out there.
36:11
So you got to let them know.
36:12
Let them know. Help the help help people out.
36:15
That's in the end.
36:16
Help people.
36:17
It's you. You receive your greatest droid, the greatest reward with that.
36:21
Next hypothetical.
36:22
We're all very skilled individuals, and I don't think anybody doubts that.
36:26
But if you had a skill that you would want,
36:29
if you would want to become a master of a specific skill, what skill are you all
36:33
choosing? All right.
36:34
So if I could have any skill, I would like to be able to use my mouth
36:40
to regulate temperature so no matter what I put in it, I can change it from hot
36:45
to cold down to the degree.
36:46
What do you come in contact with your day to day life that you would need this skill?
36:51
Raviolis.
36:52
I'm just thinking off the top of my head.
36:54
You know, I will open up a can of Raviolis, stick them in my mouth.
36:57
I'd be able to cook them to temp.
37:00
Now, let's say my hands are cold.
37:02
Do I stick my hands in your mouth to warm them up?
37:04
How hot do you need them?
37:06
Body temperature, I would think 98.7.
37:09
You'll have to do one at a time.
37:13
You don't want me to stick both my hands
37:15
in your mouth like I'm a person asking to have handcuffs taken off of me.
37:20
My mouth is just not that big.
37:22
Well, then what's I mean, it kind of cancels out the skill.
37:25
You can only put small things in it to warm them up or cool them down.
37:29
Yeah.
37:29
Yeah, I mean, I my mouth can only be so big.
37:33
You know, it's a I don't know why I'm upset about it.
37:35
I don't know.
37:37
You can get one hand warm.
37:40
What about the other hand?
37:41
And then you stick the other hand in there and then it will be warm soon.
37:45
But then my other hand will be cold.
37:46
And this is just going to be a cycle.
37:48
We're just standing in the gloves.
37:50
I mean, it's really not his problem.
37:52
That's all we're just standing.
37:54
We're just standing in the street.
37:57
One hand in your mouth,
38:00
next hand in your mouth, just back and forth.
38:02
Do you have a line of things that you won't stick in your mouth?
38:05
Like, is there a line that you draw?
38:07
Who won't put any rope in there?
38:11
No, I will not.
38:12
At one point, I was storing some rope in there, you know, or you normally store
38:18
things in your mouth like it's a piece of luggage.
38:20
Yeah, yeah, it's like a it's like a zip pocket on luggage.
38:24
It's
38:25
use my body for storage.
38:27
Do you do you?
38:28
Who doesn't?
38:29
And one time I accidentally got a piece of the rope stuck in my teeth,
38:35
mistakenly swallowed, and the rope just went straight down my body.
38:39
I assume the inevitable body function happens.
38:43
And not only do you have a rope hanging out your mouth, but you also have a rope
38:46
hanging out your hindquarters.
38:49
You would be a very fun tug of war accessory.
38:53
Have a team of kids on one end, have a team of kids on the other.
38:57
They're just pulling you back and forth.
38:58
You look like it looks like somebody started cave diving on one end of the world
39:03
and then came out somehow on the other end.
39:07
But just like cave diving, you never really come out the same on the other end.
39:11
Yeah, you avoid outing.
39:13
I want to get back to you storing things in your mouth and or your body.
39:17
Yeah.
39:18
You have to check it as luggage when you get on the plane.
39:20
Like, do you have to maybe go through the X-ray machine?
39:24
Yeah.
39:24
I mean, I'm just a normal guy, just like you guys.
39:27
Very normal.
39:28
What I do is I've got keys in my cheek, you know, chipmunk.
39:33
Yeah, like a chipmunk.
39:34
Yeah, I like a chipmunk.
39:36
I keep my wallet in there.
39:38
So what I'll do when I come up to security is I just take them out and go
39:41
through the X-ray machine.
39:42
Oh, OK.
39:43
I can't go through with all the items inside there.
39:48
They would probably see it.
39:49
So can I maybe can I rent you out for maybe like a storage locker?
39:53
Listen, I know you said you want to heat things up as a skill,
39:56
but I'm really seeing a skill that I may need.
39:58
And it's kind of a human storage.
40:01
What do you have that you need stored?
40:04
A hamster wheel, three mid-level baseball cards.
40:10
Major or minor league?
40:11
Minor league. OK.
40:12
And about 43 Red Bull cans.
40:15
I'm not going to be able to have that many Red Bull cans.
40:18
The hamster wheel is going to be fairly easy.
40:21
I can probably do somewhere between six to eight Red Bull cans,
40:26
but they have to be smushed.
40:27
How big do you think my hands are?
40:29
At the beginning of this conversation, you cannot fit two hands,
40:31
but you can fit a whole hamster wheel in multiple Red Bull cans.
40:35
I'm seeing some inconsistencies.
40:36
Yeah, it does starting to sound like do you not want both my hands in your mouth?
40:41
I'm going to be I'm going to be honest here.
40:43
There's a lot of storage potential here in my in my mouth.
40:47
A lot of real estate.
40:48
I honestly just do not want your hands in my mouth.
40:51
What about Washam?
40:52
I just don't want them both at the same time.
40:54
I promise I won't wiggle fingers.
40:56
I'm worried about what people say.
40:59
So I want you to do it just one at a time.
41:00
We're not worried about what people say.
41:05
Just based off half the answers that we've given here.
41:09
Care very little about what people think.
41:11
Yeah. OK.
41:12
You're just worried about your your public opinion.
41:15
Yeah.
41:15
I don't want to be the two hands in the mouth guy.
41:17
I don't think I don't think anybody wants that that
41:20
name and, you know, Evan, can I say both hands in your mouth?
41:24
Yeah. But I mean, I don't I can't.
41:25
Well, they'll heat up like body temperature, but like not.
41:28
That's kind of what I was going for anyway.
41:30
Oh, yeah, sure.
41:31
Evan's always down for anything.
41:34
Whatever.
41:35
But yeah, as long as you eat some Cheetos first.
41:38
Yeah, yeah, that's gross.
41:40
I get the dust.
41:42
No one did.
41:44
It's a great skill.
41:45
My skill would be to wear other people's clothes.
41:48
Now you say that's not an interesting answer.
41:51
It's not even a skill.
41:52
Hold, hold your horses.
41:55
Hold your.
41:56
Whoa, girl.
41:57
You know, if you think that's a skill,
41:59
then everybody you meet must be an absolute.
42:02
They're all legends.
42:03
I get them. I ask everybody for a signature.
42:05
No, no.
42:06
Let me continue.
42:07
I want to wear people's clothes.
42:09
And my next statement is going to actually be a question.
42:11
Have you ever put on a shirt that you go the shirt is extra tight?
42:15
It's because I'm in the shirt with you.
42:17
I want to put on people's clothes while they're in their clothes.
42:20
So you put on pants.
42:22
You put on a shirt.
42:23
I'm right there behind you.
42:24
Double leg in each pant leg.
42:26
Wow.
42:27
They put on a shirt.
42:28
I am basically a shadow behind them in the same clothes.
42:32
We walk together.
42:33
That's what that's personally what I want to do.
42:35
So you're hanging up in my closet in a shirt.
42:37
Yeah.
42:38
Yeah.
42:39
Yeah.
42:40
Just kind of waiting.
42:40
And, you know, it's kind of weird.
42:42
It's kind of weird that you don't notice that you just have a human being hanging
42:46
in your. Well, it makes sense.
42:47
They have a lot of human beings hanging in your closet.
42:49
Yeah. Yeah.
42:50
When I say skeletons in the closet or when people say that, I say not yet.
42:54
They're still alive.
42:56
They're still flesh on them bones.
43:00
Not deteriorated yet.
43:01
But but sometimes, you know, if they're a new client, they don't pay me.
43:07
But I look at them as clients because I'm an entrepreneur.
43:09
If they're new, I will just kind of sneak in the house and catch them mid mid pull
43:14
up as they pull up the pants, just kind of hop in, hop in with them.
43:17
Oh, do you know what a pull up is?
43:19
Diaper. I will get in the diaper as well.
43:22
Yeah, I was going to ask, do you only do shirts, shirts, pants, socks, shoes,
43:26
anything that you put on?
43:28
Hats are kind of difficult, but I've got a belt that I wear, but I don't wear pants
43:33
with it.
43:35
I mean,
43:37
you know, I'll wear it with you.
43:38
I guess like
43:40
we look like a weird superhero.
43:42
Well, why do you wear a belt with no pants?
43:45
I wouldn't. This is not my time to shine.
43:48
No, you can't put out a statement like that, information like that.
43:51
And I expect a follow up question because the belt sole purpose is pick up pants.
43:55
Is it, though? It's a fashion accessory.
43:57
It could be its own thing.
43:59
What I do is I look at fashion in a minimalist approach, sort of a less is more
44:07
situation. So I just wear a belt.
44:10
Nothing else. Nothing else.
44:11
That's a formal wear.
44:13
Can I wear other clothes when you can be fully clothed?
44:16
Yeah, that's OK.
44:18
Because it would be slightly awkward.
44:20
Just skin on skin contact seems a little rough.
44:23
Yeah, as we're trapped in the same belt together.
44:29
A lot of friction there.
44:31
Do you have bros walking down the sidewalk?
44:34
Just dudes being boys, you know.
44:36
Do you have baby powder that we can maybe slide in between us and reduce that
44:40
friction coefficient? Yeah, I think we're going to have to.
44:43
Yeah. You don't want to get chafed.
44:45
No. You know, no.
44:47
An old chest chafe rubbing on your back.
44:50
You know, and maybe I'll give you a little massage.
44:52
Sitting in the same belt.
44:54
You just kind of. I mean, you're massage.
44:56
You're there anyways.
44:58
I think it'd be weird if you didn't.
45:00
Yeah. And, you know, it would be fun to kind of walk.
45:03
I had to figure out a walk in tandem.
45:04
Well, it's kind of cool because, you know, we're in the same belt.
45:07
So if you don't really want to walk, then you just kind of drag me.
45:10
Then I'll be the feet. Yeah.
45:12
Yeah. You just kind of drag me up if you want.
45:14
I look like a dead, conjoined twin at that point.
45:17
Yeah. Yeah.
45:18
So a lot of my shirts seem like they've been fitting a little tighter lately.
45:22
Is that just because of me?
45:23
OK, I thought maybe I was just gaining weight or something.
45:26
No, you're actually very skinny.
45:28
I can put my arms around you about twice.
45:29
No, I mean, every time I got my shirt, I felt like I was in a warm embrace.
45:33
Yeah. You go through the day.
45:34
And you go, I kind of feel extra love today.
45:36
Yeah. Yeah.
45:37
It's because I'm hugging you.
45:38
I got somebody on my back, you know, somebody in my corner.
45:41
You don't you don't have a monkey on your back.
45:43
You have a Zach on your back.
45:45
And I think that's better.
45:47
Is that your business name? Zach on your back.
45:49
Zach on your back.
45:50
When you're in their jacket, do you call it a Zach it?
45:52
Yeah.
45:54
Yeah, I was going to say, at least your name is not Jack.
45:56
But then it would just be a jacket again.
45:59
Like it's already called a jacket.
46:01
But, you know, I think it's a I think it's an interesting skill.
46:05
I think it's a cool skill.
46:06
So, you know, there's nothing stopping me from at least trying to advance my skill
46:11
in wearing other people's clothes while they're also wearing it.
46:15
So maybe I'll maybe I'll start.
46:16
We'll see. Or maybe I'll continue.
46:18
Right, Evan? Yes.
46:19
Yeah. But all right.
46:21
So we actually are looking at a series of newspapers.
46:26
We sell newspapers outside the studio.
46:28
We're trying to make ends meet.
46:29
We just picked up the New York Times and there happens to be an article about Alan
46:33
again, again. How are you always in the news?
46:37
I don't know. They're all they're always
46:38
following me around paparazzi style.
46:42
They can't get enough of me.
46:45
I need to know what you do when you leave here.
46:48
But, OK, what's the story?
46:50
I mean, what are they saying in the New York Times?
46:53
We interrupt this program for a breaking news story.
46:56
Breaking news.
46:58
Hold on. This is breaking news.
47:02
Yeah. So this little diddly of an article we got here.
47:05
It starts off like this.
47:06
In a quiet town of Oakwood, a chilling incident unfolded,
47:10
sitting around a man named Alan leaving the community on edge.
47:13
Late one moonlit night, local residents
47:15
reported strange occurrences surrounding Alan's house.
47:18
Witnesses claim to have seen flickering lights, heard eerie whispers and witnessed
47:23
shadowy figures lurking around the property.
47:25
Rumors spread like wildfire.
47:27
Painting Alan as an enigmatic figure with a dark past.
47:31
Some whispered that he had made a sinister pact,
47:34
while others speculated about his involvement in occult practices.
47:38
The local newspaper even ran a headline,
47:40
mysterious Alan House, a portal to the unknown?
47:43
One stormy night, a courageous reporter decided to investigate further.
47:48
Armed with a camera and a brave heart,
47:50
he ventured into Alan's abode, his steps resonating through the abandoned halls.
47:54
As he documented the eerie ambiance,
47:55
the reporter's senses tingled with unease.
47:58
Cold gusts of wind seemed to whisper secrets in his ears,
48:01
and the creaking floorboards echoed like haunting footsteps.
48:04
In a hidden room, he discovered a collective of arcane artifacts,
48:08
including dusty grimoires and cryptic symbols etched into the walls.
48:12
Among them, a faded photograph caught his attention.
48:15
A group picture featuring Alan clad in a black robe,
48:19
surrounded by other shadowy figures with sinister grins.
48:22
Suddenly, a bone chilling laughter echoed from the depths of the house,
48:26
freezing the reporter in his tracks.
48:28
He fled, never to return.
48:30
But his spine tingling photographs and hair raising account left the townspeople
48:33
forever haunted by the mystery of Alan and the horrors that lay within his
48:37
residence, perpetuating the legend for years to come.
48:40
Now, Alan.
48:42
You have some explaining to do.
48:45
I understand how this is framed in this newspaper article.
48:51
Fake news. It's fake news.
48:53
It's fake news.
48:54
It's trying to paint me in a negative light.
48:57
I'm just your average guy just trying to make it in the world,
49:02
who also is trying to bring an entity from another world into this world.
49:08
Well, I really don't understand why that is so hard for people to grasp.
49:13
Now, I've never been in your house.
49:14
Is this what your house looks like?
49:16
Yeah, I got to say, is this the reason you've never invited us over?
49:20
We've never invited us over.
49:21
Yeah, there was a lot going on in there.
49:23
I got a lot of people that live there.
49:27
How many people live in your house?
49:28
So I can't invite people over because my house is just swarming with acolytes
49:33
to work in my cult.
49:35
OK, so it is a cult.
49:36
We've gotten to the bottom.
49:37
I mean, if you want to put a fine point on it, jeez.
49:41
I mean, sounds like you did.
49:42
Yeah, we didn't.
49:44
You named it.
49:45
Not us.
49:46
Well, it's not a cult like you think of cult.
49:49
It's a baby horse.
49:50
It's an acronym.
49:52
Oh, oh, caring, loving, otherworldly, but it's with a U.
49:58
Things, clut, clut.
50:00
He's so cool.
50:04
Now,
50:06
now is the entity that you're planning on summoning
50:11
eighty five year old spelling teacher?
50:13
No, no, no, no, no, no.
50:15
So it is to the clut.
50:17
Hmm.
50:19
Hmm. Well,
50:20
so is this why people can never find the clut?
50:22
Yeah.
50:29
There's nothing more scary than a cult that doesn't know how to spell it.
50:34
It's spelled clut.
50:36
It's a clut cult.
50:37
A clut cult. What's a clut?
50:38
Clut is the interdimensional being that we're trying to bring into our.
50:41
It's a name. OK.
50:42
Yeah. Yeah.
50:43
Not a not a simple misspelling.
50:45
Yeah. As as you so quickly thought.
50:48
And will you apologize? Will you apologize?
50:50
We didn't know the whole story.
50:52
Now describe clut.
50:55
Clut is a cosmic jumbo shrimp.
51:01
Bigger just from space.
51:03
He is both.
51:05
OK, he swims around in the ether between our reality and his.
51:11
He's trying. He's been trying to break in.
51:13
He's been, you know, trying to move in here recently.
51:15
He just wants to live in your house.
51:17
He. Yeah.
51:18
He's a roommate.
51:19
Well, we you know, we posted it.
51:21
We posted an ad and Clut responded.
51:24
Yeah. OK. Yeah.
51:24
I think it's a great place to meet people.
51:26
Yeah. The podcast knows that.
51:27
So Clut answered and he was like, hey, guys, I'd like to be your roommate.
51:31
I'm just a fun loving interdimensional jumbo shrimp.
51:36
And he spoke English.
51:37
Yeah. OK.
51:39
English man.
51:39
Great Britain really when they call it, they colonize.
51:43
Yeah. Colonizing the interdimensional space between reality.
51:46
Yeah. Yeah. They spread their roots.
51:48
Yeah. Yeah.
51:50
And so me and my acolytes, we thought, you know, well, how how is it that we can
51:57
that we can bring Clut over to to live with us?
52:02
I'm raising my hand here.
52:03
So we all a cult before Clut or did y'all just get a weird Craigslist ad?
52:08
Y'all answered it and then y'all became a cult surrounded by an impending roommate.
52:13
We we were a cult before Clut.
52:16
But what we didn't do fun cult things in our the only thing we did was our cult
52:21
basically ate only tomatoes. OK, no, I got to say,
52:25
just to defend your cult, a cult is basically just a group of people with
52:30
something to do. So the time on the house.
52:34
Before they kind of just they were just a group of people.
52:37
Then they have a reason to be a cult.
52:39
Yeah. You know, now, how many how many people did you tell us how many people
52:43
are living in your house?
52:44
Because there's a picture in the article that said it's a group picture of many
52:47
shadowy figures. Yeah, you were clad in a black robe
52:51
surrounded by other shadowy figures with sinister grins.
52:54
Do you wear black cloaks normally?
52:56
Yeah. Yeah. Is there anything under the cloak?
52:58
I mean, I've got my Hanes.
53:00
OK, your beefy Hanes.
53:02
My beefy Hanes. Yeah.
53:04
OK, so this is just your house robe.
53:06
Yeah. Yeah.
53:07
I mean, you know, everybody has their their house cloak.
53:10
They've got their going to town cloak, their Friday night out cloak.
53:15
So it's a cult.
53:16
It's a cloak, cloak, clut for clut.
53:19
It's a cloak, cloak.
53:21
It's like it's a cloak,
53:24
cult for clut. Yeah.
53:25
Cult for cut, cut, cloak, cloak, cult for clut.
53:29
Now is this and we just cut up, you know,
53:31
is what we're saying here, what's engraved in your walls.
53:35
Yeah, we have a lot of literature that we've that we've compiled
53:40
about Clut. We don't know a ton about him.
53:43
So the literature that we have is sort of fanfic.
53:46
Yeah. So we we kind of we kind of describe what we think Clut has been doing.
53:51
You're not afraid of creeping Clut out
53:54
when he finally gets here with his interdimensional bags or whatever.
53:57
He puts them down.
53:58
He just sees a bunch of fan fiction written about him.
54:01
You know, I think I think he might be kind of weirded out at first.
54:04
But once we drape him with a very large cloak,
54:07
his his house cloak and kind of get him sort of involved in our in our little
54:11
cult we've got going on, I think once he realizes it's all about him,
54:15
he's going to enjoy that quite a bit.
54:17
The port of clothes behind him. That's the only thing.
54:19
Yeah, yeah, we're not we're not redoing that over again.
54:23
Now I wanted to ask what what happens if it turns out that Clut's just kind of a
54:28
terrible roommate, like he's just a dick.
54:30
Yeah. Eats your eats your food out of the fridge.
54:32
Yeah, like you clearly labeled it.
54:34
Alan's rotisserie chicken and he munches it down.
54:38
Yeah. Leave skid mark in the toilet without cleaning it out.
54:41
Never does the dishes. Never does.
54:43
Yeah.
54:44
It stays up all all hours of the night playing mariachi music.
54:48
What happens then?
54:49
Well, I think we'd probably have a have a talk with him.
54:52
We'd sit him down at the large, large oaken table that we eat at.
54:57
And we'd probably say, you know, hey,
54:58
there's kind of some kind of some ground rules we need to set.
55:01
We don't listen to mariachi music, ever don't even think about playing that
55:07
absolute garbage in our home.
55:09
How many Hispanic people do you have in the cult?
55:12
None. Why do you ask?
55:13
OK, no, that checks.
55:15
Yeah.
55:16
Just, you know, making assumptions.
55:17
OK, OK.
55:18
And then I'd say I'd say things like there are a lot of dishes in the sink,
55:23
which is weird, because as part of our cult, we don't use dishes.
55:27
Interesting. And I get you don't have
55:29
hands in the natural sense, but we use our hands as plates.
55:35
One hand serves as a plate while the other serves as a fork or spoon.
55:38
But you don't serve it to yourself.
55:40
Other people use your hands as a plate, right?
55:42
Yeah. Yeah.
55:43
That's why you all sit in a circle.
55:45
That's right. That's right.
55:45
Just eating on each other's hands like, yeah, yeah.
55:47
Like, you know how you feed a horse kind of like that?
55:49
Yeah. Yeah.
55:52
No, that's OK.
55:53
Well, I'm just trying to keep keep you in mind because they do say never meet your
55:56
heroes, so I don't want you to be disappointed.
55:58
That is true. I am concerned about that.
56:00
Yeah. Well, you know, from the small interaction we've had with Clut,
56:05
he sounds like he's probably a good guy.
56:07
He's given us a series of instructions of how to bring him to this world,
56:12
which I think may fall in line with kind of what the article was seeing in my house.
56:17
They claimed there was a lot of stuff going on, like bones and such in there.
56:22
We have to have things exactly right to open this portal to bring Clut over.
56:25
Sure. Natural. Yeah.
56:26
So we have to take pigeon bones, scatter them in a circle, the circle that we eat
56:31
in. Everybody's got to have pigeon bones in front of them.
56:33
What they called blood is actually just gallons of marinara sauce.
56:40
We have to cover walls in marinara sauce because where he's from, it's red and he
56:48
has to feel comfortable when he arrives into our realm.
56:51
One one last question I had for you here on this, though.
56:54
Did you know that this reporter was in your house taking photos of everything?
56:59
Because it just says suddenly a bone
57:01
chilling laughter echoed from the depths of the house.
57:04
What were you doing at the time?
57:05
And did you know that he was in there?
57:07
Honestly, I had I had no idea he was he was in there.
57:11
We've got kind of a small comedy club in the basement.
57:16
So it's kind of an open mic night.
57:18
It's just you and your guys.
57:20
Yeah, just me and the guys.
57:22
It's like a karaoke, a bunch of guys in black robes saying jokes.
57:25
The Cluttle Factory, the Cluttle Factory.
57:28
Yeah.
57:29
But it's just one laugh.
57:31
It didn't sound like you were saying any good jokes.
57:33
There's one person, one person with a bone chilling.
57:36
I'm guessing he came.
57:39
I'm guessing the reporter came in after the punch line.
57:43
However you want to spin it, I think you just told a bad joke.
57:46
I think the joke didn't land.
57:48
You know, and then you were trying to laugh it off.
57:51
It was me laughing at my own joke.
57:53
Yeah.
57:54
Oh, nobody can love you like you.
57:56
That's right. That's for sure.
57:58
Maybe when Clut finally is summoned, I want to meet him.
58:02
Yeah, I think I can.
58:03
I think I can arrange that.
58:04
Personally, I've never met an interdimensional shrimp.
58:07
Well, neither have I.
58:08
So kind of back off for now, though, because
58:12
kind of like to be the first to meet him.
58:16
Done a lot of work to get him here.
58:17
You've kind of just shown up to the podcast.
58:20
But yeah, let me sort of feel him out.
58:22
See if he's in.
58:23
See if he's in to meeting other people.
58:25
Maybe bring him around.
58:26
I think we should have him on the podcast.
58:28
Yeah, definitely.
58:29
I'm sure he's feeling up for it.
58:30
Yeah.
58:30
Yeah, I'm sure that'd be great.
58:32
I'm sure. I'm sure.
58:33
But he didn't know a ton of people here yet.
58:36
So I'm sure he might be maybe eager to find an outlet socially.
58:40
We'll see.
58:40
We'll see if he can if he can drop by.
58:44
Advice for Alan, stay out of the news.
58:46
Yeah, you really got to lay low for a while.
58:49
I moved to a new town every time.
58:51
Every time a news story breaks.
58:53
It's hard to figure out where you are to get you to come to the podcast.
58:56
Yeah, scheduling is a hassle.
58:58
Those investigative reporters, they are always after me.
59:01
Anything else?
59:03
Anything else for the episode?
59:06
That's all I got.
59:06
All I got, too.
59:07
But anyway, I think we're pretty much done.
59:10
Closing segment.
59:12
Questionable Detour podcast at Gmail.
59:14
If you have advice or hypotheticals, email us.
59:16
Just like old T Higgins over here today.
59:19
You know, you can send us questions that you want us to answer.
59:24
Pick our brains.
59:25
You know, we are generational intelligence.
59:28
Tell your friends.
59:30
Frame it like it's a cry for help when you tell them that you listen to this podcast.
59:34
Because it is.
59:36
There's no way the same people listen to this normally.
59:40
And if you're listening to this, you probably don't have any friends.
59:43
So go make some and then tell them.
59:46
And then tell them about it because, you know, what are you doing if you're listening to this?
59:50
You know, there's nothing that's going to make you friends more than saying, hey,
59:54
listen to this podcast about a guy peeing rocks, a guy that rides on the back of
1:00:00
another guy acting as if he's in a car and then a guy that is in a cult with an
1:00:05
interdimensional shrimp.
1:00:06
I think that's an excellent elevator pitch.
1:00:08
People will understand it's relatable.
1:00:11
I have trouble describing this podcast, but I think you summed it up.
1:00:14
That was it.
1:00:15
It was this episode, at least I think if is there a good way to describe it?
1:00:19
Because I think we've all ran into this issue where we're trying to describe it
1:00:22
to a real adult, an actual person, an actual person,
1:00:27
somebody that's not a regular goofball, if you will.
1:00:31
How do you think we should describe it to a real adult?
1:00:34
Yeah, don't listen to it.
1:00:37
Are you asking us or are you telling people to?
1:00:39
No, I'm asking you guys.
1:00:41
I personally, when it's brought up or it's asked about, I personally kind of slink away
1:00:47
like a cockroach, so I avoided it all cost.
1:00:50
I frame it like it's a financial podcast
1:00:53
and we'd strictly go through all the financials of every top business and what
1:00:58
their strategies are, things like that, just trying to get people more
1:01:03
abreast on the economic situation of most companies.
1:01:06
Fortune 500s.
1:01:07
Yeah, they must be very surprised when they
1:01:09
tune in and it is nothing but nonsense.
1:01:12
I got them there, didn't I?
1:01:14
That's right.
1:01:15
You got us to listen.
1:01:15
But anyway, any final thoughts?
1:01:18
Anything you want to say?
1:01:19
Get off your chest.
1:01:20
Admit to the world.
1:01:22
Now, I've been thinking about this for a while.
1:01:24
Oh, God.
1:01:25
I'm not sure the last time my big toe
1:01:28
and my second toe were anywhere close to each other.
1:01:32
Wow.
1:01:33
That's it for the podcast, guys.
1:01:34
See you later.