Latest / The Art of Love With Lucia / Episode 654: The SHOCKING Reason Why You Want Your AVOIDANT Ex Back

Transcript

Episode 654: The SHOCKING Reason Why You Want Your AVOIDANT Ex Back · The Art of Love With Lucia

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  Why do you keep attracting avoidant partners and why do you
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  want them back once they break up with you?
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  These are the questions I'm going to answer in this video,
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  as well as giving you the solution as to what you should
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  do if this is you. But first, welcome back my
• 0:16
  beautiful no contact army. Have you been a good little
• 0:19
  soldier or a bad little soldier? Well, if you've been good, then
• 0:22
  you've downloaded my apps Silencio to help you stay in no
• 0:25
  contact and the link for that is underneath every single video
• 0:28
  and podcast. And if you too would like to
• 0:30
  join our beautiful no contact army and who wouldn't, all you
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  have to do is hit the subscribe button and the bell notification
• 0:41
  and you're in. And to read our manual, go to
• 0:44
  nocontactsecrets.com where you can read two free chapters
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  before you purchase the book. OK, so there are two reasons why
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  you are into avoidant partners and I will go over those first
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  and then tell you what the heck you can do about it.
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  The first reason you keep attracting avoidance is because
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  you had an emotionally unavailable parent.
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  That parent had their own trauma that wasn't healed and they were
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  not capable of being there for you the way that you would have
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  liked or the way that they should have been.
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  This is why I don't advise having children unless you've
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  healed your own trauma. So unfortunately what happens
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  when people have an unemotionally available parent
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  is that more often than not, they think that there's
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  something wrong with them, not that there's something wrong
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  with the parent. Because at that age you don't
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  think like that, your brain isn't fully developed.
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  So they internalize the parents behavior and they blame
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  themselves and this leads to the child becoming a people pleaser
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  where they think they need to keep the parent happy in order
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  to get the love that they want. And it also leads to the child
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  feeling that they need to earn that love.
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  So they'll start performing in order to get the love that they
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  so desperately want but don't have.
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  The thought is that when I'm able to get some love from
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  someone who is emotionally distant, that makes me lovable.
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  However, when that child becomes an adult and they're dating or
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  in a relationship with someone who is emotionally available and
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  who doesn't require them to please them or to earn their
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  love, that child actually pushes that person away.
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  They find a way to sabotage that relationship.
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  Why? Because they're not used to
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  accepting authentic love and they feel they have to earn it.
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  Otherwise it's not real. So you subconsciously keep
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  attracting avoidant partners because it allows you to repeat
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  the dynamic you had with your emotionally unavailable parent.
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  It feels familiar and therefore, even though it's not healthy,
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  it's what you're used to and what you're comfortable with.
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  And the second reason is because your nervous system is attached
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  to anxiety and stress. You constantly fear being
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  abandoned or rejected, which leads you to constantly feeling
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  you need to prove yourself. However, your avoidant partner
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  sees you as needy and as you giving too much, which then
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  pushes them away, which leads you to being anxious and
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  stressed. And the hamster wheel continues.
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  The pattern continues. Then your nervous system becomes
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  addicted to this heightened state of anxiety.
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  And here's the crazy thing. You're going to keep looking for
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  stressful situations so that your nervous system can
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  experience what it enjoys. It wants to experience its
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  addiction. Therefore, you will want to
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  attract avoidant partners who are continually unavailable and
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  avoidant. You know they'll provide those
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  stressful feelings. This is what you're used to.
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  This is what feels familiar. This is what you want to
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  recreate. There's no payoff with a
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  healthy, secure partner when your nervous system is not
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  regulated. Remember, people never do
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  anything without a payoff, even though the reason for that
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  payoff sounds crazy. So if anyone is having an aha
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  moment at this point, please be sure to comment below.
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  Hopefully a lot of you have. So even though you want a
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  healthy relationship because you subconsciously believe that you
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  need to people please and earn love from people, you will not
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  feel comfortable in a relationship where you don't
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  have to do any of those things. You're used to stressful
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  feelings, so that's what you want to recreate.
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  Safe, healthy relationships are not familiar to you, so you
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  reject those types of relationships and continue to go
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  after people who reject you and are unavailable.
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  Does that make sense? So what is the solution?
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  Are you destined to always be interested in people who are
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  emotionally unavailable? Well, the solution lies in
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  calming your nervous system and this can be done with yoga,
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  meditation, journaling, walking through nature, spending time
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  with a pet. Whenever you start to feel
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  anxious, have a go to activity that you know will calm you
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  down. And I realized that happiness in
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  life is actually about a common nervous system, as crazy as that
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  sounds. No matter what you have, even if
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  you have millions of dollars or if you're beautiful or handsome
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  or famous or whatever, if you're always stressed and anxious, you
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  won't be happy. How could you be?
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  And the right partner for you is a partner who actually helps to
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  balance and regulate your nervous system, not the one who
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  causes it to go out of whack and for you to become anxious and
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  stressful, even though that's what you're used to.
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  Partners are supposed to make your life better, not worse.
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  You're supposed to be happier, not sadder.
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  You're supposed to be calmer, not more anxious.
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  Otherwise, what's the point? What's the point of having
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  someone in your life if your life isn't better as a result of
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  them being in it? Like really, what is the point?
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  That's what I ask my clients all the time.
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  Also what you need to do is to give yourself the love that you
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  didn't receive and that you want.
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  And the easiest way to do this is to watch how you speak to
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  yourself. Most people are very mean to
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  themselves and they would never put up with the things that they
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  say to themselves from another person.
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  If you're willing to be mean to yourself, you're more likely to
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  accept mean treatment or bad treatment from someone else.
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  So stop putting yourself down and start encouraging yourself
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  as if you were a child. You're basically re parenting
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  yourself and being there for yourself in a way that one or
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  both of your parents weren't. So say things to yourself like
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  don't worry, we'll figure this out.
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  We may not have all the answers, but we've gone through things in
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  the past and we'll get through this now.
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  Or you look so beautiful today. That dress looks really nice on
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  you. That suit looks very nice on
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  you. Or wow, you really handled that
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  interaction well. I am so proud of you.
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  Yes, you can actually talk to yourself like this.
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  I do be your own best friend. After all, you're the person you
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  spend the most time with, right? The bottom line is that you have
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  to relearn what the definition of love is, and once you do,
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  you'll no longer be attracted to people who are unavailable.
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  So now I want to hear from you. As I said earlier, if you had an
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  aha moment during this video, please share below.
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  And if you'd like my help to get your ex back, you can contact me
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  at theartoflove.net and we will send you the rates.
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  They are not on the website and the direct link to that is
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  below. Every single video and podcast.
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  If you found this video helpful, please like, subscribe and
• 8:18
  share. If you're listening to this as a
• 8:21
  podcast, please rate and review. And finally, remember that love
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  inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.