Latest / Libido Lounge / How a Time Limit on the Fight Saves Your Marriage with Kameran Alareqi (Part 2)

Transcript

How a Time Limit on the Fight Saves Your Marriage with Kameran Alareqi (Part 2) · Libido Lounge

• 0:00
  So I call it the loop of doom.
• 0:02
  He is sitting here thinking, I'm never gonna be enough, so he avoids.
• 0:05
  That's going to then in like, trigger in her narrative, can't trust him.
• 0:11
  The dismissive avoidant may be having sex with you, but they're not, like, they're not
• 0:14
  connected.
• 0:15
  As an adult, I like to teach the five finger apology method.
• 0:19
  I would say timing, tongue, and tone.
• 0:22
  The three important.
• 0:24
  You might be secure outside of a relationship, but you can only do about 70% of that work
• 0:29
  outside of a relationship.
• 0:31
  So you're still insecure if you're not in a relationship.
• 0:36
  Secure attachment means I have a healthy relationship.
• 0:40
  If you're if you're not good, I'm still good.
• 0:45
  I'm doctor Diane.
• 0:47
  Welcome back to another episode of the Libido Lounge.
• 0:50
  I'm back with Karen Alaricchi today, and we talked last time about marriage monogamy, how
• 0:57
  to actually look at your marriage in relationship to baseball and whether or not it
• 1:03
  is healthy in the way in the questions you're asking, in the fights you're having.
• 1:07
  Are you using fights for productivity or not?
• 1:11
  And are you turning towards your partner?
• 1:13
  Are you guys engaging in a way where your marriage can handle those blips because of how
• 1:18
  many things are working well and how to analyze that and more?
• 1:22
  Today, we're getting into the conversation around same old fight.
• 1:27
  How do we deal with this thing that happens for so many couples where we're stuck having the
• 1:31
  same old fight, how to repair it, and we're gonna also talk a little bit about attachment
• 1:35
  theory and what this means for you and your marriage.
• 1:39
  So Cameron, who's with me again, is a Gottman certified marriage coach.
• 1:43
  She's a host of the Married and Connected podcast.
• 1:46
  She's founder of the Recognizing Potential Coaching Program, and really at the core she
• 1:51
  helps monogamous couples to have better marriage, deeper connection, and so much more.
• 1:57
  So thank you for being here with me again, Cameron.
• 1:59
  It's great to be with you.
• 2:00
  Thanks.
• 2:01
  I'm so excited to be back.
• 2:03
  Same thing.
• 2:04
  So let's talk about this.
• 2:06
  So when we are in these situations, right, where people are I think come to a lot which
• 2:12
  is, gosh, like we've been married for twenty years or we've been married for ten or forty or
• 2:16
  whatever it is, and it's like we're having like the same old fight over and over again.
• 2:23
  One of my initial questions with this is how do people begin to recognize when they're
• 2:28
  triggered and everything is maybe reminding them of this last this last fight or this last
• 2:32
  thing, this last thing, how do people develop the ability to recognize, oh, this is actually
• 2:38
  a real problem that's happening or wow, this just reminds me of that old thing that was
• 2:43
  never resolved?
• 2:43
  Like, do we need to differentiate it or is that actually irrelevant as far as as fixing it?
• 2:50
  You actually do need to differentiate it.
• 2:52
  And the reason is because a lot of the times that you are fighting, you're not actually
• 2:56
  fighting about what you're fighting about.
• 2:58
  So let's take money, for example.
• 3:00
  Money is a really common argument that people have.
• 3:05
  Money isn't just money.
• 3:07
  Money is representative of something else.
• 3:10
  So it could be power, it could be respect, it could be security, or it could be freedom.
• 3:16
  K?
• 3:16
  Those are typically the the four things that money means to people.
• 3:20
  Now if your partner is worried about the bank account because they money means to them
• 3:25
  security, but for for you, it means freedom, and your partner's coming to you saying, no.
• 3:32
  No.
• 3:32
  No.
• 3:32
  We can't spend that.
• 3:33
  That we need to save.
• 3:34
  You need to stop spending.
• 3:35
  You need to cut the Amazon and, you know, all of that, then they're not getting their
• 3:41
  freedom.
• 3:42
  So they may have this vision of like, yeah.
• 3:45
  But if I spend a little money here, I'm gonna make a lot of money there.
• 3:50
  And this is the vision long term.
• 3:52
  You see what I'm saying?
• 3:53
  So there's a meaning underneath the surface that you're not fighting about, that you're
• 3:58
  that you're not even looking at.
• 4:00
  K?
• 4:00
  The other option might be the fact that you're you know, you have to look at your motives.
• 4:05
  Are you fighting just to be right?
• 4:07
  Are you fighting or are you solving the problem together?
• 4:11
  Are you actually fighting for a solution, or are you just fighting because you're addicted
• 4:15
  to it?
• 4:16
  Because that's a thing too.
• 4:18
  The third thing is when you're having these perpetual arguments, look at why.
• 4:24
  Look at what is being said.
• 4:27
  Again, the message underneath the message, and also look at the resentments that you carry.
• 4:33
  Because resentments come from expectations that a lot of times weren't verbalized.
• 4:39
  So going back to the example that we used last week in the trash, it's well, you didn't take
• 4:45
  the trash out.
• 4:46
  Well, you you might have asked them to take the trash out, but you didn't specify a time.
• 4:53
  So to you, again, the trash needed to be taken out five seconds from then.
• 4:58
  To them, it's like, yeah.
• 4:59
  I'll do it in the morning.
• 5:01
  So you didn't actually say, hey.
• 5:04
  Can you take the trash out?
• 5:06
  The trash guys are down the street, and also this has raw chicken that stinks in it kind of
• 5:11
  thing.
• 5:11
  Right?
• 5:12
  So a little bit more communication on your part would have been great.
• 5:15
  So that being said, we have to look at expectations that weren't met, judgments that
• 5:22
  we're making on our partner that actually really mean that we're judging ourselves, and
• 5:26
  then we also have
• 5:27
  to look at the deeper meaning and and why we continue to have these arguments.
• 5:31
  So Salzen, if I'm understanding you correctly, like, yes, it is important to differentiate
• 5:36
  between, you know, current stuff, past stuff.
• 5:39
  Mhmm.
• 5:40
  And then is it is it true that we could say then that one of the first steps then with
• 5:44
  actually repairing fights and conflict is one of the first steps then doing exactly that,
• 5:50
  like taking a step back and saying like, what is my fault?
• 5:53
  What is my responsibility?
• 5:54
  And owning that as well as like understanding, like you're saying, like what is beneath it
• 6:00
  all?
• 6:00
  What are we actually fighting about?
• 6:01
  Because it's probably in many cases not the trash.
• 6:04
  Is that one of the first steps to repairing or where do people begin if not there?
• 6:09
  Yeah.
• 6:09
  It is.
• 6:10
  But it's also looking at the fact a lot of
• 6:12
  times what will trigger people is the fact of like, oh my god, you keep bringing this up.
• 6:16
  Whoever keeps bringing things up in the in the relationship is still hurt by it.
• 6:20
  There actually wasn't repair before.
• 6:23
  Okay?
• 6:23
  So to to take care of some of those past things, you might also be taking care of some
• 6:27
  present things too.
• 6:29
  But you also have to look at the fact that, like, we were taught to apologize when we were
• 6:32
  preschoolers, and that was it.
• 6:34
  There was never another lesson for as long as we were growing up.
• 6:38
  So when you're in preschool and you're learning, sorry, that's probably not gonna cut
• 6:43
  it for your partner.
• 6:44
  So as an adult, I like to teach the five finger apology method.
• 6:48
  I'm sorry for and actually own what you did.
• 6:53
  I know it impacted you in this way.
• 6:55
  Here's what I'm gonna do to change that.
• 6:58
  Will you forgive me?
• 6:59
  And this is what a lot of people are like, oh my gosh, that's gonna take so long.
• 7:03
  No.
• 7:03
  Seventeen seconds.
• 7:04
  Watch.
• 7:05
  I'm really sorry for being late to dinner.
• 7:08
  I know you worked so hard on that meal and I was late.
• 7:11
  In the future, I promise you I'm going to send a text before I leave the office, or if I'm
• 7:16
  gonna be more than five minutes late.
• 7:17
  Will you forgive me?
• 7:18
  That's all it takes.
• 7:20
  So that's how we repair.
• 7:23
  And another thing is when you're repairing, make sure that when your partner is saying,
• 7:28
  hey, I'm sorry for these things, that you're not making it about you.
• 7:32
  That you're not saying, well, no, you really did mean this, or you really did like, no.
• 7:39
  Validate their response.
• 7:40
  Validate their apology first, and don't make it about your time.
• 7:44
  You'll get your time to explain why you did what you did, but now is not that time.
• 7:50
  Yeah.
• 7:50
  I think this is one of if everybody is listening to only one thing in our two
• 7:54
  conversations, I feel like this is one of the most important things you've said so far.
• 7:58
  It's all it's all been great, but one of the most important things because we're not like
• 8:01
  you said, we're not taught how to do this well.
• 8:04
  And I've seen this so many times like, you know, even in my personal life, somebody just
• 8:09
  saying, okay, well I'm sorry, you know.
• 8:11
  And even if we say that really sincerely, it is so different than doing what you're saying.
• 8:17
  Like, I'm sorry and like owning it and taking responsibility and talking about repair and
• 8:22
  understanding impact.
• 8:24
  And and I do think if people are, like you're saying, like if people are finding that they're
• 8:29
  they're so triggered about these past things, well, that probably means that it's not
• 8:34
  resolved.
• 8:35
  It probably means that this has been festering for a long period of time and until we actually
• 8:38
  get to that point where we're gonna get resolution through something like this five
• 8:42
  finger apology method, we're really probably not gonna get very far.
• 8:46
  Is there anything else from a standpoint of repair?
• 8:50
  And and I know there's many things that that go into your methodology.
• 8:54
  But from a standpoint of like, okay, we absolutely have to do.
• 8:58
  This is like the next most important thing.
• 8:59
  Is there anything else you wanna add on?
• 9:03
  I would say timing, tongue, and tone.
• 9:06
  The three t's are really important.
• 9:09
  Timing, make sure that you're not bombarding them and being like, okay, well, we have to
• 9:13
  repair this as soon as they walk in the door.
• 9:15
  Additional with timing, our bodies like, our brains only handle an emotion for about ninety
• 9:21
  seconds.
• 9:22
  Think about a toddler.
• 9:23
  Right?
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  They're they're mad.
• 9:25
  You said no that they couldn't have, you know, whatever toy it was.
• 9:28
  Ninety seconds later, they're doing something else.
• 9:30
  It's fine.
• 9:31
  The reason that we're pissed for a really long time is because we keep ruminating about it.
• 9:36
  If I would've just said this, if she would've done that, oh my god.
• 9:38
  I can't believe that he blah blah blah.
• 9:40
  Like, that's why we get mad is because we're ruminating about it.
• 9:44
  So with timing, if you're not repairing within twenty four hours, like, it's I'm I am the
• 9:51
  coach that will absolutely tell you, go to bed.
• 9:53
  Go to bed.
• 9:55
  Because a lot of times you're gonna wake up the next morning and you're actually rested, and
• 9:58
  you're like, that was stupid.
• 10:00
  Right?
• 10:01
  But if you're not repairing within twenty four hours, it's because you're choosing to stay
• 10:05
  childish.
• 10:06
  So there's that.
• 10:07
  So timing is really important.
• 10:08
  When you have the repair as well as, you know, as why you're not having the repair.
• 10:14
  Tongue, watch your words.
• 10:16
  K?
• 10:17
  Don't I'm sorry, but if you would have done this, or I only did this because you did that.
• 10:22
  No.
• 10:23
  That's not taking accountability.
• 10:24
  That's not a repair.
• 10:25
  So watch your words.
• 10:27
  And then third is tone.
• 10:29
  How you start the conversation is 90% of the time how it's gonna end.
• 10:33
  So if you come in guns blazing, it's probably not gonna work out for you very well.
• 10:38
  But if you come in with a soft start of startup of like, hey, are you in the headspace to talk
• 10:45
  about what happened earlier?
• 10:46
  I would like to apologize.
• 10:48
  That's probably gonna go a lot better.
• 10:50
  So tongue, timing, and tone.
• 10:52
  I just wanna take a quick break to say one of the number one things that leads to a lack or
• 10:58
  just a slowing of passion in the relationship is thinking that our partner's body and mind
• 11:04
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• 11:09
  So one of the things that happens for so many bodies especially for female bodies is that
• 11:15
  with time, the pleasure needs change.
• 11:19
  And we get into those sexual scripts and those habits of doing the same thing over and over
• 11:24
  and over again, not always realizing that our pleasure body is wanting something else.
• 11:30
  This creates a lack of passion, a desire, a lack of orgasm, and it's one of the reasons why
• 11:36
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• 11:40
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• 11:48
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• 11:52
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• 11:58
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• 12:03
  I hope you will join me in my Hot Monogamy Society.
• 12:07
  Now let's get back to our episode.
• 12:11
  Yeah.
• 12:12
  And thank you for the really specific examples on those.
• 12:15
  So helpful.
• 12:16
  I do wanna get into attachment styles.
• 12:19
  I I wanna talk and and I'm gonna take a pause at a moment, but I wanna talk about what people
• 12:24
  get wrong with attachment styles because attachment is one of these conversations that I
• 12:29
  think is getting thrown online.
• 12:31
  It's like constantly something that a lot of people are finding a lot of awareness around is
• 12:36
  these attachment styles.
• 12:37
  But I think oftentimes just like gaslighting was the, you know, the most looked up word of
• 12:42
  the year a couple years ago, and then people were overusing it and applying it wrong and
• 12:46
  that sort of thing and just, you know, almost, like hyper obsessing with it even though it was
• 12:51
  a problem.
• 12:52
  Kind of take it too far.
• 12:53
  And I'm curious about that with attachment styles, but before we get there, I do want to
• 12:58
  make sure everybody remind is reminded of one of the least mysterious things in the sexual
• 13:05
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• 13:09
  And what physics what I mean by physics is suction moves blood.
• 13:13
  And in order to get aroused, in order to feel pleasure for both men and women, women get left
• 13:18
  out of this conversation so much.
• 13:20
  But in order to feel pleasure, in order to have rock hard erections, in order to have erections
• 13:25
  in your forties and fifties like you did in your teens and twenties, you gotta move blood,
• 13:30
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• 13:30
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• 13:35
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• 13:45
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• 13:46
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• 13:48
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• 13:53
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• 13:55
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• 14:00
  And when you use these, many people report feeling better pleasure, longer erections, and
• 14:06
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• 14:11
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• 14:12
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• 14:16
  So now let's get into attachments.
• 14:18
  So can you give us like briefly just to make sure everybody's on the same page because while
• 14:23
  I know most of you have probably heard of attachment styles, I do know some of you have
• 14:27
  not.
• 14:28
  So Cameron, would you kinda just briefly give us an overview of what they are?
• 14:32
  And then I wanna get into what people are getting wrong with them, how are they using
• 14:36
  them inappropriately with their with their conflicts, and how we can basically use them in
• 14:43
  a better, more effective way for our marriages.
• 14:46
  Yeah.
• 14:46
  So your attachment style basically is an overview of and a conditioning for how you were
• 14:54
  raised from birth to three.
• 14:57
  So when you were little, were your emotional needs met?
• 15:02
  Almost every couple that comes to me, one or both, will say, I had a great childhood.
• 15:07
  I don't know.
• 15:07
  I you know, there wasn't anything wrong with my childhood.
• 15:10
  It wasn't overly traumatic.
• 15:11
  And then I asked the question, were your emotional needs met?
• 15:14
  And it's like deer in the headlights.
• 15:16
  And this is the thing.
• 15:17
  So if you had part a parent or both parents that weren't really emotionally attuned, they
• 15:25
  just were kinda like, go to your room, till you're good kind of thing, most likely, you're
• 15:30
  gonna be a dismissive avoidant.
• 15:32
  If you had a lot of trauma in your childhood, a lot of death, a lot of maybe you had one parent
• 15:39
  that was a dismissive avoidant, one parent that was anxious.
• 15:43
  Sometimes your emotional needs were met, sometimes they weren't.
• 15:46
  You are always on high alert of like, okay, I'm looking for body language.
• 15:50
  I'm looking for tone.
• 15:51
  I'm, you know, I'm always walking on eggshells in my home.
• 15:54
  And this is your entire childhood from, usually your attachment style is set from birth to
• 16:00
  three.
• 16:00
  But we don't remember those times.
• 16:02
  So thinking back to the behaviors that happened from birth to about 10, that's when you're
• 16:09
  you'll you'll be able to figure out what your what your attachment style is.
• 16:13
  So anxious is gonna be you had either one parent that was very emotionally attuned and
• 16:17
  one that wasn't, or you had one parent that was very volatile, and you were always walking on
• 16:23
  eggshells, and maybe another parent that wasn't attuned at all.
• 16:26
  So that is if you if you have a lot of trauma, you're gonna be a fearful avoidant.
• 16:31
  If you just were always on high alert, you're gonna be an anxious preoccupied.
• 16:35
  Those are usually the three that are talked about.
• 16:39
  Fearful avoidant can also be talked about as a disorganized attachment.
• 16:44
  So it just kinda depends on, you know, what training your provider has or the person that
• 16:50
  you're following on Instagram has has had.
• 16:53
  So that's a higher level overview of what they are.
• 16:57
  And then I think there's it's probably easy easy for a lot of people to start to understand
• 17:02
  where this comes up in conflict.
• 17:04
  Right?
• 17:04
  Somebody that's gonna be more avoidant is gonna be oftentimes exactly that, shut down, leave,
• 17:10
  not have the conversation versus like that anxious person's going to have that tendency.
• 17:14
  And so we'll get into a little bit more of that in a moment, but but first I'm wondering, like,
• 17:19
  can we go back to my other question which is, do you see common ways that these are and
• 17:24
  problematic ways that these are maybe misused especially in in relationships?
• 17:29
  Or do you have any examples of that at all?
• 17:32
  Yeah.
• 17:32
  A lot of
• 17:33
  times, here's the thing about about anything like this.
• 17:37
  Right?
• 17:38
  Like attachment styles, your enneagram number, your Myers Briggs.
• 17:42
  Yes.
• 17:43
  They're great tools to learn about yourself, to learn why you are the way you are, those kinds
• 17:48
  of things.
• 17:49
  But at the end of the day, it's all your trauma.
• 17:51
  It's all childhood trauma and conditioning that has to be overcome that like we talked about
• 17:57
  last week, did you see a healthy relationship growing up?
• 18:01
  Do you even know what that is?
• 18:02
  And if you have an insecure attachment style, which is the three that I mentioned, I forgot
• 18:07
  to mention the most important one, which is secure.
• 18:10
  Secure attachment means I have a healthy relationship.
• 18:13
  If you're if you're not good, I'm still good.
• 18:16
  Like, my emotions are not run by yours.
• 18:19
  So that being said, yeah, like a lot of people will say, oh, I'm I'm secure.
• 18:27
  Well, you might be secure outside of a relationship, but you can only do about 70% of
• 18:32
  that work outside of a relationship.
• 18:34
  So you're still insecure if you're not in a relationship.
• 18:39
  K?
• 18:40
  So there's that.
• 18:41
  That's a misconception that people have.
• 18:43
  Another one is using that against your partner, especially in conflict of like saying something
• 18:50
  like, oh my god, you're such a you're such an avoidant.
• 18:53
  Or, well, if you weren't such a dismissive avoidant, this wouldn't happen.
• 18:57
  Something like that.
• 19:00
  So those are usually the most common things that I see that are that are misused.
• 19:06
  Yeah.
• 19:07
  One thing that I love that you said that reminds me of when I was working with a
• 19:12
  therapist years ago and I was working with with attachment styles.
• 19:16
  I have gone back in my my history.
• 19:19
  I'm not sure if I was anxious or I was disorganized.
• 19:22
  I feel like I'm very secure now, but it was this therapist that really helped me because
• 19:27
  what she said to me is as I I came to her was like, well, I don't want to get another
• 19:31
  relationship until I heal this past stuff.
• 19:34
  Right?
• 19:35
  And what she said to me is so analogous, it's so similar to what you said, which was you
• 19:39
  cannot heal a relationship problem if you're not in a relationship.
• 19:44
  And it really took getting into a relationship with my current partner who is a very secure
• 19:52
  attachment style and and that being modeled for me, that and so I was doing the work time in
• 19:58
  the relationship, but I think that's a hugely misunderstood thing is we have to be whole
• 20:03
  before we go into the relationship when certain problems are actually only going to be healed
• 20:08
  inside the relationship.
• 20:09
  Right?
• 20:10
  That's right.
• 20:10
  Yeah.
• 20:11
  So in, you know, and then looking at this from a standpoint of conflict, so how are you seeing
• 20:18
  this show up?
• 20:19
  And in particular, I'm wondering how does it show up even in in sex and intimacy?
• 20:23
  Does can you give us a sense of how with an anxious or avoidant type of pattern, how people
• 20:29
  would actually go into their their conflict conversations, but also in thinking about how
• 20:34
  they engage in intimate and physical and sexual intimacy?
• 20:38
  Absolutely.
• 20:39
  Love that question.
• 20:40
  So I call it the loop of doom.
• 20:42
  It's called that a lot of times on online as well.
• 20:46
  So what's gonna happen is one person, usually the one who's anxious preoccupied, because this
• 20:50
  is the most common dynamic, is anxious preoccupied with a with a dismissive avoidant.
• 20:55
  K?
• 20:56
  So in anxious preoccupied, you're not even gonna realize it, but when you go and you're
• 21:00
  asking for connection, you're shaming, blaming, questioning, criticizing.
• 21:04
  K?
• 21:05
  Well, all that does, if you picture an infinity symbol, all that does then is activate an
• 21:11
  avoidance inner narrative of I'm stupid.
• 21:15
  I'm never gonna be enough for her.
• 21:16
  I'm never gonna be able to give her what she wants.
• 21:18
  And I say her because 75% of the time, women are the anxious preoccupied where men are the
• 21:24
  dismissive avoidant.
• 21:26
  I do occasionally see that flip flopped, but not nearly as much as I see it with the woman
• 21:31
  being the AP and the man being a DA.
• 21:34
  Okay.
• 21:35
  So he is sitting here thinking, I'm never gonna be enough.
• 21:38
  I I can't do it.
• 21:39
  Like, all these things.
• 21:40
  So what's he do?
• 21:42
  He feels shame.
• 21:43
  He feels anger.
• 21:44
  He feels sadness.
• 21:46
  So he avoids.
• 21:47
  He drugs, alcohol, porn, scrolling on my phone, things like that.
• 21:54
  Right?
• 21:54
  What does that do for her then?
• 21:56
  Go back down the other side of the infinity symbol.
• 21:59
  That's going to then in like, trigger in her narrative, can't trust him.
• 22:04
  He's he's never he doesn't love me.
• 22:06
  He doesn't care.
• 22:09
  He I'm never gonna be good enough for him.
• 22:12
  So for him, the DA thinks what I do is never good enough.
• 22:16
  For an AP, it's I am never good enough.
• 22:19
  So those are different.
• 22:20
  Okay?
• 22:20
  But they're triggering the exact same emotions, anger, sadness, loneliness, things like that.
• 22:26
  How does this show up in sex?
• 22:28
  K?
• 22:29
  A lot of times, a DA is going to use and even an FA.
• 22:34
  Because the thing for a fearful avoidant, they're gonna run the gamut sometimes within a
• 22:39
  ten minute period.
• 22:40
  So they're gonna have dismissive traits and anxious traits.
• 22:43
  Okay?
• 22:44
  So for all of you FAs out there, like, you gotta really think about how you show up in
• 22:49
  conflict.
• 22:51
  I used to be an FA, and the way that I did, I lean heavily to the anxious side.
• 22:57
  K?
• 22:58
  So for this, a lot of times, an avoidant is going a dismissive avoidant is gonna use sex to
• 23:04
  reconnect, or they're going to use it as a coping strategy where what what we talked about
• 23:10
  was, like, scrolling on your phone, porn, things like that.
• 23:13
  They're gonna use sex to numb out.
• 23:15
  I don't like the way I'm feeling in my body.
• 23:18
  I don't know how to name that emotion because again, when they were kids, they were told to
• 23:23
  go to their room and handle their emotions on their own.
• 23:25
  They weren't ever sat like, their parents never sat with them and said, oh, you must be feeling
• 23:30
  disappointed.
• 23:30
  They don't have the vocabulary, not because they're stupid, they just simply weren't taught
• 23:36
  what they're feeling.
• 23:38
  So they know it feels like crap, but they don't know how to name it.
• 23:42
  So they will use sex as a way to not feel that way anymore.
• 23:47
  And anxious will use sex as, okay.
• 23:51
  He's having sex with me, so now we're good.
• 23:54
  We're like, that's the reconnection point, the, like, come closer.
• 23:58
  I need you kind of thing.
• 23:59
  Where a dismissive avoidant, it doesn't mean that at all.
• 24:02
  Because a lot of times, a dismissive avoidant may be having sex with you, but they're not
• 24:06
  connected.
• 24:08
  That emotional connection is not there for them.
• 24:11
  Yeah.
• 24:12
  Really helpful.
• 24:13
  I think it's an important thing to realize too.
• 24:15
  Mean, oftentimes people say, you know, sex can be the barometer of marriage, but what you're
• 24:19
  bringing up is like, it doesn't you know, that doesn't necessarily mean that's true.
• 24:23
  Right?
• 24:23
  Somebody can be completely engaged with that, but actually at the core disengaged from the
• 24:28
  relationship and checked out and literally just going through the motions.
• 24:32
  Absolutely.
• 24:33
  So such great, information you gave us today and last week.
• 24:38
  I know we have to let you go here, but I do know people are gonna wanna connect with you to
• 24:43
  continue this conversation.
• 24:45
  I know you have a great couple places for people to get started with your work, and some
• 24:49
  of it is even free gifts for people, free information for people.
• 24:52
  So can you tell us a little bit about that?
• 24:55
  Yeah.
• 24:56
  You can always find me on Instagram at Mary dot Anne dot connected.
• 24:59
  You can find me in my free school community where there are oodles and gobs of workshops
• 25:04
  and resources and all kinds of different coaching for free for you to better your
• 25:11
  marriage that way.
• 25:12
  And then I'm also on Substack, so you can find me on there.
• 25:16
  I have an email newsletter that goes out.
• 25:18
  You can read it in seven minutes or less every single Thursday.
• 25:21
  That's always got a tip for you.
• 25:23
  And yeah, my website, www.recognizingpotential.com.
• 25:27
  Perfect.
• 25:27
  And we'll have all of that in the show notes.
• 25:29
  I hope everybody does go and check that out.
• 25:31
  Please do subscribe if you haven't yet.
• 25:33
  Share this with your friends and family.
• 25:35
  I know so many people need this information and Cameron's help.
• 25:38
  Thank you again, Cameron, for being here with us on the lounge, and everybody, I'll see you
• 25:42
  again next week.
• 25:45
  Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
• 25:47
  Please don't keep me a secret.
• 25:49
  Please share this with your friends.
• 25:50
  You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.