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Why High-Functioning Women Over 40 Stay in Survival Mode · The MODERN YIN Podcast

• 0:02
  Hello, and welcome to another episode of the Modern Yin
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  Podcast. I'm Kimberly Roberts, your host,
• 0:09
  and I am so glad you're here. So after the last episode where
• 0:14
  I talked about the survival brain versus the visionary
• 0:17
  brain, I had a little spark. And the spark led me to today's
• 0:24
  episode, which is all about why high functioning women over 40
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  stay in survival mode or stay in the survival brain, right?
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  Because let's face it, they do. So there's something really
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  interesting that I've noticed over the last years of working
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  with women over 40, because that's primarily in my
• 0:51
  reflexology practice. Most of my patients are women
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  and they're over 40 on on my yoga app, it's the same thing.
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  It's a lot of women over 40. That tends to be the area that I
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  specialize in. I'm also over 42.
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  So that kind of lands. But here's the thing, many of
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  those women appear to be so capable.
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  They are so capable, they're so organized, they're so reliable.
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  And guess what? They're often the ones who have
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  been living in survival mode the longest.
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  And I so deeply know that. I know that for myself.
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  I did too. And you know what?
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  It's survive it. It surprises people.
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  They're like, but she's so capable.
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  She's got all her, you know, like stuff together.
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  But here's the thing. When we hear the phrase survival
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  mode, we tend to imagine, like, absolute chaos, like burnout,
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  breakdowns, people falling apart.
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  And I'm not going to say that that doesn't happen.
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  It absolutely does. But for many women, survival
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  mode actually looks so much different than that.
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  It looks like competence, Yeah. Like high functioning women are
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  incredibly good at adapting. They know how to show up.
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  They know how to get stuff done. They certainly know how to take
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  care of people, solve problems and keep things moving forward.
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  And I'll tell you for a while, those kind of skills, they
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  actually serve you well. But here's the paradox.
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  Those very same strengths that make you capable are also the
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  ones that keep you stuck in survival mode.
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  I'm going to say that again. The same strengths that keep you
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  capable keep you stuck in survival mode.
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  Let me explain. Because when you're good at
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  managing pressure, you become the person that everyone relies
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  on at work, at home, in relationships, and over time,
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  guess what? Your nervous system adapts to a
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  constant background level of tension.
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  It's like, you know, the hum you hear in the background from
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  your, your furnace or whatever, It's like the same kind of
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  thing. It's not dramatic tension, it's
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  just constant pressure, low grade and persistent.
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  And you know what? Eventually that becomes your
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  normal. Kind of sucks, actually.
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  And what's even worse? Survival mode.
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  That looks like success, right? And you see so much of this on
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  social media, but also other places too.
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  So from the outside, your life might look completely fine, like
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  you've got it nailed, you've got life nailed, you're functioning,
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  you're productive, you're responsible, you're not falling
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  apart, right? Everybody's like, Oh my God,
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  look at her. But internally, your jaw is like
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  wired tight. You move your neck just the
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  slightest wrong way and it'll snap.
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  Your shoulders are lifted. Your mind is like a constant
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  spiral of like planning, anticipating, managing,
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  executing. You're always thinking like 3
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  steps ahead. And here's the thing, it's not
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  because something is wrong. It's because your nervous system
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  believes it's your job to hold everything together.
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  And when that becomes your identity, because it does,
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  survival mode stops feeling like survival mode.
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  It just actually feels like life, like that's your normal
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  life. You don't even recognize that
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  you're in survival mode because this is just your baseline.
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  So if that's what happens, then you start to wonder, well, how
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  come this gets like more intense gets worse after 40?
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  Because something shifts in midlife, right?
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  And this is not talked about a lot, but your body changes.
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  For women especially, hormones shift, energy fluctuates in ways
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  it didn't before, and suddenly the strategies, the things that
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  carried you through in your 20s and in your 30s stop working the
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  same way. You can't pull it off, right?
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  Like remember the all? Like I remember years ago when I
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  was in my corporate days and I was working for a high tech
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  company and we had a sleep room. So when we would have big
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  deployments, we would be there basically 24 hours, and maybe
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  you might crash in the sleep room for like half an hour on a
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  bunk bed and then you'd get up and, you know, keep going with
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  the day. Well, you could push through
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  that when you were in your 20s and 30s like I was.
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  But in your 40s, you can't push through that kind of fatigue as
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  easily. It gets really freaking hard to
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  bounce back. That one glass of wine that you
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  have, all of a sudden it's like the next day you're like, I'm so
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  hungover from one glass of wine. Like you can't override your
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  body as effectively. And here's the thing, that's not
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  a sign of weakness. That's just information.
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  Your nervous system is just asking for a different way of
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  operating. It doesn't want more effort.
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  It's like so done with the effort and wants more
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  regulation. But many women interpret this
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  moment so differently. So instead of listening to the
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  signals, they push harder. More discipline.
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  Let me be more productive. More self criticism.
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  Oh boy, do I ever know a lot about that one.
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  Now you're so hard on yourself. Like all of a sudden you're
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  like, there's something wrong with me, I'm broken.
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  You're not broken. But living like that keeps their
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  survival cycle going. And the identity, many of you
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  high functioning women have built an identity around being
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  the reliable one, the strong one, the one who can handle it
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  all, who never falls apart. And identities, they're so
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  powerful because if you spent decades being the capable one,
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  slowing down can feel really uncomfortable.
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  It can feel like failure. It can absolutely feel very
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  unsafe, and not because the stillness is dangerous, OK, It's
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  not because of that, but because it's challenging the role you've
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  been living inside that survival role, that reliable, capable
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  role. So instead of resting and
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  actually soothing and training your nervous system for safety,
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  you just keep going to keep plugging.
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  Instead of regulating, you just manage.
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  Instead of restoring, you cope. And let me tell you something,
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  You do it beautifully and competently.
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  You could get an Oscar award for that performance, but you're
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  still in survival mode. Yeah.
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  So here's the little twist, a little shift, little
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  perspective. This is where modern yin yoga
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  offers a different approach. OK, so instead of asking women
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  to push harder or optimize themselves even further, we
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  actually begin with regulation, where stillness does the real
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  work, the work it's meant to do. Because here's the thing.
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  When your nervous system finally stops bracing, something
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  remarkable happens. You start to slow down, like
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  there's less thoughts. You're not like the hamster on
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  the wheel spiralling around. Your breath just effortlessly
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  starts to get deeper. You have so much more clarity.
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  Like the light bulb moments come up right?
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  And it's not because you're forcing any of that.
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  In fact, if anything, it's the opposite.
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  It's because your system is finally getting the capacity to
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  receive it right. Like I said in the last episode,
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  and I'm going to say this again, and I'm going to say it probably
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  so many other episodes, so get used to this.
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  Safety has to come first, then the clarity will come second,
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  and then the momentum will come third, OK?
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  You can't build momentum when you're in safety.
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  And if you haven't listened to the previous episode, the
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  survival brain versus the visionary brain, I highly
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  recommend you go back to that episode and think about that.
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  So if you're listening to this and you're realizing like sparks
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  are flying here, the light bulb moments are coming up and you're
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  like, wow, I, this is me. Like I've been holding
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  everything together for a really long time.
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  I don't want you to beat yourself up, because guess what?
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  You're not alone in this and you're certainly not failing.
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  It's just your nervous system has adapted to a level of
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  pressure that lasted longer than it was way meant to.
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  You were not meant to stand in front of the Mama bear and her
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  baby bears your whole life. The invitation now is not to
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  become somebody different. OK?
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  Not asking you to make a 180 turn on who you are.
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  It's just about creating some space for regulation to allow
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  your nervous system to shift out of survival mode slowly, gently,
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  consistently. Like, just think of it this way.
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  If you were training your biceps when you first start, you're not
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  picking up a set of weights that are 20 lbs each.
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  You might be starting with 2-3, maybe 5 lbs, right?
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  It's the same thing with nervous system regulation.
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  It's slow, gentle, and consistent.
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  You don't need to aim for like an hour, an hour and a half
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  every single day. Five, 10-15 minutes a day can
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  make such a massive difference. It's those tiny little spaces
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  that all of a sudden eventually you go, oh, that was only 5
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  minutes. Wow, that felt like an hour.
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  My God, I feel so much better now.
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  I want a little more. Can I do 10 minutes tomorrow?
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  Let's see, right? Like this is how you start to
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  build nervous system regulation. So if this is resonating with
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  you, the Soulfully and Yoga app is your place to be.
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  And I'm starting a 14 day unwind and calm March reset.
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  We start March 10th. This isn't anything intense.
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  This isn't a check off the box thing.
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  It's just daily practices anywhere from like 5 minutes.
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  Some are longer and they're just designed to help your nervous
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  system shift to unwind and to get out of that survival mode
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  and in to get to the parasympathetic state.
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  The visionary brain and I'm going to be in there live during
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  the whole time, 14 days, dropping little Nuggets of
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  inspiration, little extra practices, guidelines, tips, so
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  that you don't feel so alone in this journey.
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  Because I'll tell you, whenever you start something new, IT can
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  feel a little scary, but this isn't going to be scary.
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  This is going to be exactly what you've been craving for and
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  maybe even what you've been lying awake at 3:00 AM praying
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  for. So I'm going to leave you with
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  this. High functioning women don't
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  stay in survival mode because they're weak.
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  They stay there because they're strong, because they're capable,
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  because they've learned how to hold everything together.
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  But here's the thing I really want you to think about.
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  Strength also includes knowing when to soften, when to slow
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  down, when to listen, when to regulate, when to allow
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  stillness to do the real work that is modern.
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  Ian and I really hope that you join us in the 14 Day on Wine
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  and Con Challenge. Thanks so much for listening to
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  today's episode. I will certainly see you in the
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  next one.