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Transcript

SEASON 7 | What Matters To You · SECOND CLOCK™

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  What's your true nature? Your essence?
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  What makes you tick? This journey to find out is what
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  I refer to as your second clock. It's a chance to discover,
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  experience, challenge and reconnect with what you value
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  most. Through clarity, love,
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  acceptance, and reflection, you'll find your awareness.
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  And what happens when you do well, you'll find you.
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  Join me. Click follow, like and subscribe
• 0:28
  and let's see where this leads. I've been thinking a lot about
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  what's changed inside of me. What's made those anxious
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  feelings over ruminating gone? What's made me let go when I
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  used to hold on so much and I realized what it is, and it's
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  kind of sad to admit it. It's self respect, understanding
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  my value, my worth, and loving myself.
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  So many people, they don't know it, they hear it, those
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  buzzwords, but they don't care about themselves.
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  They think they do, but they don't.
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  They forget about where they fit in.
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  They forget about why they're there in the 1st place.
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  They forget about themselves. Oh, that bothers me so much.
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  And every time I come across somebody that has forgotten
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  themselves, I see it so clearly. They're trying to win somebody's
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  approval. They're trying to get something
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  from somebody that isn't going to give it.
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  They're bending and inside they're breaking.
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  I used to be that that over giver, mega people pleaser, that
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  person that thought that if I could just love a little harder,
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  hold on a little longer, maybe that relationship could work.
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  Maybe I could save that friendship.
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  Maybe I could change somebody's ideas about themselves or about
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  me. And maybe I could convince
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  myself by doing all this that what I'm doing is right, even
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  when it felt so wrong. I started thinking about this
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  when I went to go see Elizabeth Gilbert speak.
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  She was in Los Angeles promoting a new book.
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  It's called All the Way to the River.
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  When I signed up to hear her speak, I didn't know she was
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  promoting a book. I just wanted to see somebody on
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  a stage for an hour and a half, just a mic in hand and her
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  stories. I thought maybe one day I'd be
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  doing that, so I wanted to see somebody do it.
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  Well, when people hear my podcast, a lot of people say,
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  oh, you're having an E Pray Love moment.
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  When they first started saying that, I had no idea what they
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  were talking about. I had never read E Pray Love and
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  I'd never seen the movie. Since then I've become a fan of
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  her work and I've seen the movie, but I didn't know about
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  this book. But I learned a lot after I
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  heard her speak. What I walked away with was
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  maybe I'm a little bit more like Elizabeth Gilbert than I
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  thought. She talked about how she would
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  over invest in relationships, how she would do things that
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  were kind of too much, allow people to get away with things
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  that normally you wouldn't. For her, she found out that she
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  was a love addict. For me, I found out that I told
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  that line, but I'm not all the way a love addict.
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  Most of the reason why I did the things I did was because love
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  was always conditional in my life.
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  I think a lot of children have that.
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  We just don't admit it. But when you admit it, you
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  realize you're not alone, and you realize that you did the
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  best you could given the situation you were given.
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  In my family, I always knew that my mom was going to choose
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  differently. People always say parents have
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  unconditional love for their children.
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  They would do anything for their kids.
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  But the reality I faced in my household was very different.
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  My dad was a workaholic, and he was never going to quit.
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  He didn't come home very often. At night we barely had dinner
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  with him. If I asked him to choose me or
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  work, he would choose work and then say why he was choosing
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  work and it would be some kind of excuse.
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  Like how else am I going to provide for my kids?
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  I work because I love my children.
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  I know that now to not be the case.
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  Yes, people have to work, but he worked to escape.
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  My mother on the other hand, many, many times I would say to
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  her, please stop drinking. Do it for me.
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  In a young person's mind, you think, well, people always say
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  that parents will do anything for you and this is anything.
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  And I'd be confronted with the truth.
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  She wouldn't do anything. She would do some things, but
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  not anything. She drew the line when it came
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  to her alcohol or I guess I should be more specific, her
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  wine. When you learn that at a young
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  age, you realize you need to figure out how you fit in, how
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  you're going to get the love that you need, even if here or
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  there, because a little goes a long way for a kid.
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  I started finding it in friendships and then I started
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  finding the same conditions. As long as I played by other
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  people's rules, then I would get a little hit of love.
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  And that's where the anxiousness came in.
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  Knowing that it was always out of my control.
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  I never knew when somebody was going to rescind it or give it.
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  So I started trying to get good at understanding what made
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  people love for me. I realized giving helped.
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  What could I give? I was a child, so I gave my
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  time. I gave my thoughts, my opinions.
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  I did things for people. I pretended people didn't do
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  things that were hurtful to me. I made people feel OK, OK with
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  their choices. I did the best I could not to
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  judge them. And if I did judge them, I would
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  find ways to say that maybe I was wrong, maybe I didn't have
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  all the facts. I would apologize when I didn't
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  need to for things that I didn't do.
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  And I guess I got in a groove, the people pleaser groove.
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  I got hyper vigilant reading people, trying to understand
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  what they were going to think, trying to figure out how to keep
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  them happy or keep things status quo.
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  And when things would upset me or irk me, I would just pretend
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  it didn't happen. I would just out logic my
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  feelings. Elizabeth Gilbert talked a lot
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  about a lot of this, but she did it through anecdotes.
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  She did it through the stories that she lived and the stories
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  that she had to admit. When I think about my true
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  nature, I realized that it's hard to know what that is.
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  When for so long you gave to get, there was always a string
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  attached. There was always a way to be let
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  down. There was always a way to
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  secretly resent somebody, hold a grudge.
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  But then things started to change.
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  I started to change. It didn't happen all of a sudden
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  and it didn't happen years ago. It happened recently.
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  I started reading BIOS. Oh my gosh.
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  We would talk about how they were one way and how they would
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  come out of it and then their life would change.
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  Things would just get easier or better.
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  They talked about how saying no helped them so much in their
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  life get to what they wanted. They talked about how they used
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  to give. And then they realized a lot of
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  people, they're just takers. So the giving to get didn't
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  work. I started seeing a lot of
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  patterns, connecting a lot of dots, and I started realizing
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  that we're all pretty similar. And for the people pleasers out
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  there, we all operate very similarly.
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  We just don't talk about it or admit it.
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  And for those that do, it helps all of us.
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  So I started realizing that maybe I need to look at who I'm
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  giving to. Maybe I need to be more
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  discerning, and maybe I need to start with giving to myself.
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  I had an employee sit in front of me one day.
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  It was a really random conversation and she just kept
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  saying on repeat, give me grace, Give me grace.
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  I didn't know what to say when she was saying that.
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  She wouldn't explain why she was saying that.
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  But now I get it. She needed time.
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  She needed acceptance. She needed to feel like she
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  wasn't failing. I wish I could have given her
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  grace, but at the time I couldn't give myself grace.
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  I held myself to such a high standard.
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  I operated on such a different system than I do now.
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  I had to loosen those reins because I couldn't hold on like
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  that anymore. I used to ride horses, and when
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  you ride English style, all you have is your reins.
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  You don't have a horn like in Western, and you have to hold on
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  so tight. At times I can feel myself
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  gripping those reins wrapped around my hands as though I have
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  control, when in reality you have a very strong horse
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  underneath you and they can eventually do whatever they need
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  to do if they feel the urge. But we try.
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  We try really hard to control. And I decided to stop.
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  I decided to let people do whatever they do.
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  Show me who they are. Show me what matters to them.
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  Show me where they want a relationship to go or not.
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  Show me what they're willing to do or not.
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  It really gets that easy when you loosen the reins.
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  People tell you what matters to them if you listen.
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  People tell you what they want if you care, and people show you
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  if they value you. You just need to watch.
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  Watch what they're doing or not doing.
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  When I loosen the reins on my life, that's when I welcomed
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  self respect. I stopped giving like I used to.
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  I became so much more conservative in that front.
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  I started watching what I talked about.
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  I didn't waste my time gossiping anymore.
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  I hate going in circles and conversations.
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  I hate guessing what somebody was thinking.
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  Nobody knows what somebody's thinking.
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  Who cares? But I know why people care and I
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  know why people do it. They do it because they need to
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  make sense for themselves. But assuming is really not
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  helpful. It's dangerous.
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  Even I welcomed in self worth. I think that came after dating.
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  I think it came by watching other people date too.
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  I started seeing patterns in places I never thought I'd see
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  it. Not only amongst men and women
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  and that dynamic, but also amongst friends.
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  I started seeing how friends would disregard one another,
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  forget plans, not apologize, deflect when confronted.
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  I saw so many things just happening right in front of me
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  and I had to sit back and realize they were always
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  happening. These things have always been
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  happening, they just had to be seen and acknowledged.
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  And then self respect. Once you have self worth, self
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  respect is easy. You value your time differently.
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  Instead of me giving it away all the time, I started realizing
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  the value of time. Not just my time, everybody's
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  time. I started realizing calls don't
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  need to be this long. I used to think a great call was
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  measured by how long the person stayed on the phone.
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  Now I realize sometimes I just don't care to stay on the phone.
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  And it doesn't mean that I like the person less.
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  And if that person wants to get off the phone, it doesn't mean
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  that they like me less. It just means our time is
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  limited. And that's OK.
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  It's better than OK. It means that when somebody
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  calls you or when somebody chooses to show up for you, it's
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  because they want to be there. At least that's how it should
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  be. Then self love, my favorite of
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  the selves. That's the part that makes it
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  easy. When somebody doesn't respond to
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  you, doesn't acknowledge you, and shows you that they don't
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  care, makes it easy for you not to care.
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  It makes it easy for you to see, but maybe you didn't want to see
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  before, but maybe you were not able to see before because you
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  kept blocking it, pretending that somebody was better than
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  they were. And when I think about the
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  question of what matters to you, first you have to know that you
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  matter. And the only way you do is by
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  figuring out what self worth is your worth, figuring out what
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  self respect is, how to respect yourself, and figuring out what
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  self love is. The art of loving yourself and
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  then the question of what matters to you gets a lot simler
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  when you acknowledge that you matter to you.
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  Thanks for listening. These episodes are unscripted.
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  They're my free flowing thoughts as I reflect back on past
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  conversations, experiences, what I've learned, would like to do
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  better, and what's next. Join me on Thursdays for new
• 15:19
  episodes and catch up on past episodes.
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  Click Follow, Like and subscribe and let's see where this leads.