Latest / The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook / Living Unapologetically: Empowerment, Identity & Mental Health Advocacy with Paula Chirinos

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Living Unapologetically: Empowerment, Identity & Mental Health Advocacy with Paula Chirinos · The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook

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Hello. Feel podcast audience.
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I am back with you this week with a young woman who changed
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my life. I met Paula through my time at
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her story, when I lived on Long Island and she was a student at
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Hofstra and was participating. Being in the herstory program
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through a partnership that her story had with Hofstra at the
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time and her writing was so thought-provoking.
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And so personal, and so authentic, and genuine and
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brave, it literally changed the way.
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I look at the world, it changed the way.
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I vote. It changed the way.
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I view our immigration system. It educated me about what it was
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like to deal with Daka. At a time that was very scary,
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the administration that was in office.
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At that time in this country, it was terrified for people in
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families like policies. And so it was just a master
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class listening to her story and educating this, you know,
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middle-aged white women who thought I was pretty educated
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until I found out I wasn't. And it was just such a great
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reminder to me that we must always learn and we Must always
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be willing to learn. And we must listen to, these
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voices have experiences, we don't have and, and learn from
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them and advocate for them and use our platforms to talk about
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these things. And so, when I started this
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podcast, Paulo is one of the first people I thought of
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because she has so much to she's a world changer.
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She will change the world and she didn't let her age or her
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status by in terms of being Doc a student in terms of being part
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of an immigrant family, stopped her.
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And I cannot tell you the level of respect and love and
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gratitude that I have for her personally for what she has
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done. And so that's how I met Paula.
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And Paula is, she's a rising professional in the health
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Healthcare Communications industry and you will understand
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as you hear her story, why she feels so driven to work.
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In this very complex, complicated space.
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Her character traits are creative, passionate, and
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nurturing and, and she, and she follows all of those two, she's
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a talented musician. And she follows his passions as
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well. And because of the kind of
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industry she works in the kind of life.
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She's LED these talking points, feel it feed.
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So nicely into what she has to do to make this work possible.
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For herself. And she's going to have some
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great tips for all of us of all ages.
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And just a reminder to you twenty somethings that you can
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make a difference right where you are.
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You don't have to wait. So Paula, thank you so much for
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being with me today. Yeah, thanks for having me, I'm
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excited to speak with you. Oh good.
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Good, good, good. All right, we're going to jump
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right into it, how to prioritize self-care in your life and what
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that looks like for you. Yeah.
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Well, to be honest, for many years, especially when I met you
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back at Hofstra University, I was not the best at self-care
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for a long time. I mean I was super involved on
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campus, having joined multiple clubs, Orchestra and somehow
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making time to socialize. And once I graduated in Spring
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of 2020 and was desperate to find a post-grad job, when no
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one was really hiring and then eventually, I didn't land a job.
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It took me breaking down. Down.
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I mean literally physically breaking down in my room that I
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worked in virtually and feeling overwhelmed with all the
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responsibilities that I had and and feeling a lack of Direction
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in my career to come to terms with the fact that I needed to
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realign my priorities. First of all and be okay with
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not being the best at everything which was an internal pressure
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that I put on myself, from a young age being a
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first-generation immigrant to finally.
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Start actually Doing things for myself.
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You see back then, College, post-college, Paola, my
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motivation for progressing, in my life and my classes and all
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the activities that I was doing was solely to make my parents
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proud and ensure that their sacrifice is moving to this
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country weren't in vain. So, honestly, any time I failed,
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or I didn't get the outcome, I expected.
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I would reflect that failure upon myself.
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Like I didn't try hard enough, like I wasn't good enough or I
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Just kept telling myself that I'm going to keep on failing.
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But once I made that decision to actually put in the effort to
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appreciate myself more, that's when I realized, wow, we really
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did that. Like we really did all of these
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things or. Wow.
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I'm really a bad B and I'm going to censor that because I don't
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know if I can curse or not on here.
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You can put my okay, I'm about. Yeah.
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You know. But yeah like what I do?
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Yes but what I do currently to, you know, just keep reinforcing
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my values. Is I have sticky notes on my
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computer with affirmations of why?
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I'm where I am and that I truly deserve.
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All the wins that I've gone in my life and on my work computer,
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I have a folder and I did this just because one of my mentors
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suggested it and in that folder I have screenshots of every time
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I got a compliment from one of my clients or supervisors or
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whenever I get a recognition sticker which is something my
5:51
company does like you can officially recognized and send a
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sticker to a fellow team member that is In it.
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Yeah and then outside of work, I've been consistently going to
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the gym right after I log off. So, I could really take my mind
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off everything, I literally just blacks blast music and my
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noise-canceling headphones and zone out.
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And then once I get home, I I just jam on my ukulele or sing
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to my plush animals because yes, adults can have plushies or, you
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know, right now actually, I'm learning the electric guitar.
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So yeah, it's really the little things that go a long way.
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Yeah, well and you said something really important that
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I think it's important for people to remember.
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And I've heard this before two of the people that helped me
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found the podcast in 2021. Both come from our first
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generation, both immigrant families from different
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countries. That pressure is real and I have
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heard that time and time again, that you all put on yourselves.
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Sometimes your parents inadvertently do without
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intending. They just They do it out of
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love. They do it out of care.
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They do it. You know the MU whole movie was
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made for the betterment but it's a lot and it's a lot at a young
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age and I feel like sometimes you all have to grow up before
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you're ready to and because of that weight, that comes with it
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and just the experiences that come with it that other people
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that have been in this country for Generations don't have to
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deal with. They just don't have to so I'm
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so glad you spoke to that. Confidently, setting boundaries,
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you Unless you were the involved woman on campus and you correct
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me if I'm wrong. But from my purview it was like
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you were fighting with a Vengeance with a chip on your
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shoulder at to push walls down and create spaces because you
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had to. I mean that was that was that
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was unfortunately required but you talked about being in your
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room that one day and my God, you were 20, 20 grand on top of
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everything else. I mean, just just add another
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layer to Kate. Toss you talk about the day in
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your room. Was that a day to that kind of
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helped you realize talk to me about your boundaries I don't
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want to assume anything so talk to me about your boundaries
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Journey. Yeah no and there was definitely
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a connection to meet you know. Finally confidently sending
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setting my boundaries and breaking down in my room late
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2020 after I had landed my first post grad job.
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I mean, in terms of, you know, every relationship that I've had
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I see boundaries as expectations That we have for each other
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ways, we can help each other grow and just clearly defining
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what respects means to each person because it could mean
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different things of conventional, unconventional
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types of relationships. And this is something I
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practice, not just with my personal relationships, but also
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my professional ones. I mean, at, when you're entering
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a Business Partnership of any kind, you create a contract,
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right? Right.
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Of what will be handling, how will be measuring progress?
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And also just like in any job, there are certain Possibilities
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in place for each candidate, so that we can help our team as a
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whole grow. So right, for example, when I
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started my most recent job earlier, in April of this year,
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I set a time aside time to do one-on-ones with every single
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one of my supervisor or whether I was going to be working with
9:14
them on a day-to-day basis or on certain projects or, you know,
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whatever that was just so they could know my face, my voice and
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my preferred working style. So, in each of these calls, I
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would tell them that I'm the type of person who sits back.
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And tends to listen during a call more so than you know be
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the center of the room I guess to process that information
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that's being discussed and then once I have time to think
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through my current recommendations or perspective,
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then I will share my thoughts more likely like offline than in
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a brainstorm. And I also asked them.
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You know what they're most comfortable with when it comes
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to providing feedback whether they like being on calls to
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discuss their comments directly, and why they took such
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approaches to their feedback, or if they just Prefer to
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communicate these things offline.
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And the funny thing is, that, that approach is not so
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different with my personal relationships.
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You know, you have to create that unofficial contract so that
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we can understand each other's needs and really help each other
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find peace. Because I think that your
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relationship should be your piece, should be your support
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system and and not give you any troubles aside from everything
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else that's going on in the world to your point, especially
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given everything that's been going on.
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Throughout these recent years. So I really see the two of them
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the same way and in that sense, I guess.
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Yeah. You have such a healthy grasp on
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that. I you mentioned the first thing
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you mentioned that I really loved was that responders are
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just establishing that respect for each other.
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I love that thought process with that into I love that.
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You had the intuition at your young age to know.
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Going in. I'm going to have these
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meetings, we are going to communicate expectations and And
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so that we are all on the same page going forward.
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There's no assumptions being made because you're also working
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in a world where you can be in the office or not and that's
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created some interesting Dynamics for companies to in
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terms of, you know, Chemistry Between employees and culture
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and whatnot. And without that very clear
11:16
communication that can get wonky and provide some stressors.
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So, everybody out there listening of all ages, when you
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go into a new job, take this and run with it that So good.
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That's a great idea. So yeah that I mean and just and
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then you know, and then you're not second guessing because
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it's, you know, you're starting a new job that's enough in
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itself in trying to just get established.
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And but I love that advice. I think that's just great advice
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for everybody and leaders. If they're your people don't do
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that, set it up yourselves. Go to your people don't.
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Don't wait for them to come to you.
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They, maybe they haven't thought of that, or don't know, it's a
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possibility or there may be some fear.
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Are, you know, it's in that relationship break that down and
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create that, that authentic, that communication early on.
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So I think really applies on both sides.
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So, thank you for that. Alright, we spoke to this a
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little bit already but taking care of our emotional health as
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much as our physical health. You talk about you like you've
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literally had a physical collapse in your room, we can
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all agree, I started this journey, same thing it's all
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intertwined. So talk to me about your journey
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with that. Yes.
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So, post-college, as I mentioned earlier, that's been a long
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journey in terms of navigating my mental health.
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I mean, I think many people can agree that the feeling of
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loneliness, Confusion, And even desensitization to tragedy and
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horror with all the shocking headlines that have come to
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light in the past couple of years, that's all been on the
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rise. And having all that negativity,
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surround me at such a pivotal time.
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In my adulthood hasn't been easy.
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I mean, I To doing therapy in late 2021 because I just felt
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really lost at that point. I won't get into too many
13:04
details of what my circumstances were at that time.
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But that was another point where I broke down and said to myself
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enough is enough. I I really have to take a look
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at why I'm attracting negative energy in my life.
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So while I was assessing my situation and I was unemployed
13:21
actually at that time. So I really had a lot of time to
13:25
look into this. I was Be able to with the help
13:28
of my therapist discover that I have ADHD.
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Now, I did an assessment with her to find this out and I also
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spoke with multiple psychiatrist to get their official diagnosis
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and in a way that was so relieving to me to understand
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that a part of me that I was always ashamed of, right?
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The, the struggle when it came to socializing to being
13:48
productive and just feeling so different and incompetent
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compared to my peers again, I usually just thought that that
13:55
was a reflection of me. As a failure as a disappointment
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and that was on top of the depression and anxiety that I
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was already diagnosed with since I was 11.
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So given that context. It also made me realize that I
14:08
needed to put in more effort when it came to my emotional
14:11
health in the sense of understanding my triggers.
14:14
When I felt mentally over stimulated usually in larger
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social settings or whenever I was presenting to clients for
14:22
example, because there was that bigger need to put on a mask and
14:26
come a different person because I didn't know if the real me II,
14:30
don't know what you'd call it. The unhinged that the enough
14:33
wasn't afraid to speak her mind. Yeah, I didn't know if that was
14:35
gonna cut it in these situations, particularly in
14:39
these moments when I caught myself, feeling overwhelmed and
14:43
not in control at all. I knew that if something - were
14:47
to happen or if I felt judged in, anyway, I wouldn't process
14:51
my emotions in a healthy Manner and honestly, I felt like I was
14:55
very vulnerable in those moments.
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Some like I would cry. So what has happened is firstly,
15:01
not giving so much power to other people.
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When I do receive negativity and I think I was pretty good at
15:06
this from a young age because I had experienced overt racism
15:09
back then. Yeah.
15:11
She's yeah. Yeah, you've not.
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Yeah. I mean I would say you've been
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dealing with. Yeah I'm not surprised to hear
15:18
this because you at such an early age.
15:20
Had to deal with just also say in terms of how you were
15:25
treated, your family was true. Enid absolute.
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And that's so get to your point. That's what really helped me
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from a young age. Just stop putting as much
15:35
emphasis on that external validation because then I'm more
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able to be my true self, not for others, but just for me and I
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also learned that giving myself space once things get heated and
15:47
communicating that to the other party and saying, hey I'm not
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feeling like myself right now. I'm not thinking rationally
15:53
because I'm emotionally overwhelmed so I cannot
15:56
communicate. Properly until I have time to
15:58
process my feelings and the situation on my own.
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So I separate myself from what's giving me stress or negative
16:04
emotions and I really take my time because I owe that to
16:07
myself. And once I feel collected again,
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that's when I can properly resolve whatever the issue was
16:14
and then in terms of my physical health, as I mentioned before,
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I'm a huge Enthusiast of going to the gym and doing it again
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not for external validation or necessarily have to look better.
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But instead because I Really want to commit to taking care of
16:29
myself, just just for myself and loving myself in that way.
16:34
Well, I think it's a way that we work out, the stressors.
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I have died. I'm diagnosed with anxiety in a
16:40
form of OCD. I feel it in my body, I have got
16:44
to do. There are days that I've got to
16:46
do a very specific kind of workout to get that out of my
16:50
body and to name what it is that's happening which I do
16:54
every morning. I've list at how I'm feeling And
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my point being you feel it, you can feel it in your body and you
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just a prime example of what you shared of listening to your body
17:05
and giving it what it needs not for anybody else.
17:08
But for you and your health, and your best self.
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And if I think too, if we can switch the narrative on that
17:15
especially for women and take that pressure off of ourselves
17:19
to work out to look at know, I'm working out for me because it
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makes me feel better, it relieves my stressors.
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It gives me pause Is it allows me to have a break in my day
17:28
because the other thing too. Sometimes when you're working
17:31
from home, it's hard to find that breaking point when the
17:33
work days over I worked from home for 15 months, and I had to
17:38
like go drive around the block, come back to go to create that
17:42
break because I was doing all my workouts at home.
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And so, so you speak, you have to create those spaces to, for
17:49
that separation. But listening to your body.
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And I can't, I mean, I know, I keep saying this, but I, you
17:56
know, these Your things that you had to start carrying a heavy
17:59
load early and so it's important for you to get on top of these
18:03
things and have these coping mechanisms and naming.
18:06
Its there's so much power in naming and I feel like ADHD is
18:10
so under diagnosed in females anyway, I mean there's study
18:15
after study because shows up differently ADHD does not have
18:19
is not always the hyper kid or, you know, and you know and it
18:24
feeds into so many other things but that has to be Be.
18:27
So when it is empowering, it sounds weird.
18:29
But is empowering when you get a diagnosis because it just
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explains so much. Like exactly.
18:36
Yeah, it makes it all as like that makes sense now.
18:39
Okay, so thank you so much for sharing that.
18:41
And speaking to that, how cute you are a champ at this, just
18:46
kind of by the way, you work in the world as you mentioned where
18:49
you are a bad bitch Latina woman in this world and I and you do
18:54
this really well but how can we support Ourselves and other
18:58
women in living unapologetically.
19:00
Yeah, so I'll say there's this Tick Tock Trend that I saw a
19:05
couple months ago where people were posting photos of
19:08
themselves as children and saying, when I'm being mean to
19:12
myself or judging myself, I'm also saying these things to this
19:16
person. And that's what really changed
19:18
my mindset about how I look at self care how I look at
19:22
empowering myself. And to me all these practices
19:26
that I've incorporated into my life are intended to heal my
19:30
Inner child and to treat myself because I deserve that and to
19:34
keep loving myself. So when I do simple things like
19:37
getting a haircut or getting my nails done or going on a
19:40
shopping spree. Yeah, I do it to feel good but
19:45
in a way when I do these things I kind of separate myself from
19:48
myself if that makes sense. And physically say to myself.
19:51
Yeah like yeah you deserve this bottle.
19:54
Ah let me treat you to something nice because I love you and even
19:57
in my therapy sessions my therapist said that this type of
20:00
Mindfulness can apply to any situation where you're
20:03
processing your feelings. So, if you're confused about a
20:06
decision, you have to make for yourself.
20:08
For example, just separate yourself from the situation and
20:12
pretend like, your friend is the person who's struggling, and
20:15
you're giving them advice. What would you tell them to do?
20:19
How would you comfort them? How would you encourage them to
20:22
live unapologetically? And when I have those
20:25
conversations with myself and this is going to sound random,
20:28
but it really helps. I look at myself in this little
20:31
mirror that I have on my desk. And I ask myself, these
20:34
questions, I give myself advice and I just keep reinforcing the
20:37
values that I truly bring out. And when my friends, who have
20:41
been through so much with me, and I've seen this dramatic
20:43
shift in, who I am as a person. I also remind them of their
20:47
values regardless of where they are in their Journey right now.
20:50
I mean, we're all very different places, we all are different
20:53
ages. And, you know, another thing
20:56
that comes to mind, when it comes to empowering women, it is
20:59
the importance of mentorship. Because I would not be where I
21:02
am professionally. If it wasn't for the mentors,
21:04
mostly women of color, Who provided guidance, when I needed
21:08
it, most, especially when I felt lost when I was unemployed going
21:12
back to that. When I just couldn't find a job
21:15
at all post-grad, whenever I was doubting myself.
21:18
And even to my mentors, that I directly worked with, I'm just
21:22
grateful, really? That they took a chance with me
21:25
when I felt like others wouldn't because that's what really gave
21:29
me the confidence. Evidence to continuously, get
21:31
out of my comfort zone. And now, one of my goals moving
21:34
forward is to give that confidence to Rising young
21:38
Professionals in my field who feel that same way like I did
21:42
back when I was in their shoes. And I've already been able to
21:46
help Mentor. Some current college students
21:48
that have reached out to me, you know, I reinforce their values
21:52
by tell them like hey look regardless of your age because I
21:55
know that you're you might be a bit intimidated going into the
21:57
corporate world regardless of your H, you have such valuable
22:02
insights that any client. Any company is just dying to
22:05
know right now because gen Z were the rising consumer basic.
22:08
We need you to work for Steve, we need your ideas.
22:11
We need your perspective, you have so much value.
22:14
Even if you didn't have that many internships, or maybe if
22:17
you didn't intern at the fanciest companies, you know,
22:19
that does not matter because you have knowledge that will help
22:25
really progress how we're marketing to diverse audiences.
22:29
Right? We're not.
22:30
It just marketing 21, consumer base for marketing, too many,
22:34
and we want to reach these audiences in an authentic manner
22:36
with meaningful messaging. And to do that, we need
22:40
representation, right? That's why diversity Equity.
22:43
Inclusion is so important, especially in Communications.
22:47
So yeah, I I've helped some students already and and I'm
22:51
open to continue supporting more and more people that way and and
22:55
teaching them with my mentors have taught me because I don't
22:58
believe in gatekeeping. I believe in Helping others rise
23:01
up. I love that that yeah that right
23:05
there, I don't but I love that. I don't believe in gatekeeping
23:07
because listen, we're all better together and we've got to do
23:12
this together as a collective or we just keep feeding the people
23:18
that are trying to keep us down. You all down as women of color,
23:22
we keep feeding, we're helping the cause if we don't come
23:25
together and do this together and there's enough room for all
23:29
of it and there's When you win someone it creates space for
23:33
someone else to win. And so getting rid of this whole
23:35
scarcity, mindset around that too.
23:37
But I love the already giving back, I'm not even surprised but
23:40
there. It's so there's so much power
23:42
mentoring. I'm a mentor and I didn't have
23:45
one. I was a first-generation college
23:47
student and I didn't have one. And I always told myself, I'm
23:53
going to do that differently because it is so important and
23:58
you just need those affirmations and those reminders.
24:01
And your generation and respect something important.
24:04
You all have been through some things at your age.
24:07
Has that no one else has been through.
24:09
I you know I'm parenting. Something's my twenty-somethings
24:12
were in college. My oldest wasn't she was out,
24:16
but my feet middle and younger and I had no idea what to tell
24:20
them because I've never been through that before.
24:23
So you all have something to offer that.
24:26
So unique, I was working with high school kids at the time and
24:29
the job I had at the time. And I'm like, y'all have
24:31
something unique to offer. That no one else does out there
24:34
in the world. So don't be afraid and we need
24:37
your knowledge because you're having to walk out things that
24:40
there's no book for it that we haven't been through before.
24:42
So I'm glad you brought that up to I think that's really
24:45
important and the mentoring thing, it does age doesn't
24:48
matter and there's you know, we all have something to offer and
24:53
it just so important to create that space.
24:56
So thank you so much for speaking to that.
24:58
All right, the It's upsetting and coming back to your.
25:02
Why in your values and everything you do I you have
25:07
always had it since I've known you a lot of Demands on your
25:09
time. There's a lot of things you
25:10
could do. You've also as a woman of color
25:14
have to be mindful, is the people that are really for you
25:18
and what you're participating is a good thing and is not just
25:24
them taking advantage of you or make you a or part of their
25:29
statistics. I mean that's it.
25:30
Tricky thing, I think would eei right now is Andy eib, as we're
25:35
seeing more and more with belonging piece is who's doing
25:39
it for real and actually cares. And wants to see this happening
25:44
and wants to see more than one woman of color at the table and
25:47
who's trying to fill numbers and and not.
25:52
So, I know I threw a lot at you in that, but talk to me about
25:55
your value, Y in choosing those spaces and everything you do.
25:59
Yeah. I mean, being The corporate
26:01
world. You hit you hit the nail on the
26:03
head. There, we don't want
26:05
performative ISM. We want action, we want
26:07
accountability. And we don't want tokenism, you
26:10
know? I'm I stand for the cause of
26:13
course, you know, I'm passionate about it, but I'm not going to
26:15
be your token, person of color, women of color, whatever it is
26:19
just for, for that corporate gain.
26:22
You know, I don't, I don't believe in that.
26:24
And in terms of my values, I mean, I firmly believe that.
26:28
If I don't stand by my own, Values and morals.
26:31
And in any decision that I make, I feel like I lose a sense of my
26:35
own identity in my matriarchal family.
26:38
While we're not super religious, a major part of our Catholic
26:43
faith, that we really incorporate into our daily lives
26:45
is cultivating, and practicing virtue by performing good acts,
26:49
and not for our own selfish reasons, but to show our love
26:53
for one another, as an expression of God's love because
26:57
every human life is valuable and I firmly stand That as a queer
27:01
Latino woman who has met people from so many different walks of
27:04
life and us giving to others is really continually giving the
27:09
best of ourselves, not for gain of any means.
27:13
Now, when I'm in a moral dilemma in a way, I go back to my
27:17
Catholic and Hispanic Roots because my culture is very
27:21
collectivist. So we care about the whole of a
27:24
community and our hyper attentive to the needs of
27:26
others. So, if I'm ever wronged, I was
27:29
taught to Turn the other cheek to not allow more injury and I
27:34
really put an effort to try to understand the other person or
27:37
people and not let the negativity have power over me
27:42
because my time and my being is precious.
27:45
So I can only give the limited energy that I have to what
27:49
really serves me at the end of the day.
27:52
Absolutely. Oh, that was really well.
27:54
Said. Yeah, y'all are going to be
27:56
like, how old is this woman? My gosh, he's wise Beyond her
28:00
years. You did.
28:00
You had Matrix so in your family that set that precedent for you
28:03
too and I you know, and meet and empowered you with that.
28:08
So, which is so important living, this is going to be a
28:12
big one. This is giving you could go on
28:13
for all day on this one, living out of your own expectations
28:17
versus others. This is so multifaceted for you
28:22
as a woman. As a Latina woman has a clear
28:27
queer Latina woman as a 20-something As an immigrant, I
28:32
could go on and on and on. So, you know, in those in those
28:36
exploit talked about earlier, you wanted to do, you want to do
28:39
so well for your family and for your parents.
28:42
And that's how heavy weight for anyone to carry.
28:45
And again, I think is we hear this a lot from our, from our
28:49
first generation young people as they're embarking out in the
28:54
world and trying to honor their parents sacrifice.
28:56
So, talk to me about getting to that space of living out of your
29:00
Own expectations versus others. Yeah.
29:03
And to your point I could talk about this for hours, I think
29:07
this is a really good topic and definitely very relevant.
29:11
As I mentioned before, growing up I put a lot of pressure on
29:14
myself because my parents were the ones who decided that we
29:18
were all going to move to the United States.
29:20
We came here with nothing to our name.
29:22
As as I mentioned before in my stories from her story lived, in
29:26
my grandmother's apartment in Park Place and didn't know any
29:29
English and And I grew up just remembering my parents telling
29:33
me that they gave up any dreams that they had, as children of
29:36
being, you know, an engineer or writer, which was the dream that
29:41
they had when they lived back in Peru, you know, just just giving
29:45
up those dreams just for the potential opportunity that my
29:48
brother and I could succeed here in some way.
29:52
So when I was the first in my family to pick up this new
29:56
language, since I learned it at a really young age, my parents
30:00
made We do a lot of different activities, whether it was the
30:02
violin, tennis volleyball, swimming, spelling, bees Etc.
30:06
And it just felt like my growth Within These activities and
30:10
academics was a direct reflection of the work that they
30:14
were putting in working multiple heavy labor, intensive jobs.
30:18
So, if I messed up in any way, my fear didn't solely, just
30:25
relate to their disappointment and me but more.
30:28
So, my own criticisms ISM of myself.
30:32
So, as I picked up the violin and sports, for example, I
30:35
started getting addicted to this sense of competitiveness where I
30:40
felt that, unless I was the very best whether I was concertmaster
30:44
of the orchestra, or Captain the money and time.
30:48
That my parents spent with my lessons with helping me improve
30:52
were a waste. And then when I didn't get these
30:54
opportunities, to be the leader to get the recognition, I
30:59
thought I did. Curved.
31:01
I got severely depressed. And as a kid, I didn't know what
31:04
that feeling was, but later on, I turned 11 actually got a
31:07
diagnosis. And, and I would say nasty
31:10
things to myself and I was being bullied at the same time that
31:15
all of that was happening. And I went through a lot of
31:18
traumatic incidents, that I don't really want to get too
31:22
much into, but, you know, all of that makes together just was not
31:24
great. So I don't once exactly.
31:27
And once I started working on healing my energy, A child and
31:31
telling myself that I wasn't, you know, just saying these
31:35
things to present me but also me as a kid like literally looking
31:38
at photos of little me, you know, that's when I started
31:42
realizing. I have to be true to myself and
31:46
really live in my skin. So that was in college when I
31:49
really started practicing that. And that's when I discovered
31:55
other multifaceted parts of my identity, you know, whether it
31:59
was my queerness Really embracing that.
32:03
And once I did Embrace that, I could speak more on that a bit
32:05
later, that's when I truly felt like I was able to start really
32:11
loving myself and putting in that self-care and that effort.
32:15
And I just, it was so, again, relieving just understanding the
32:20
complexities of my identity and doing it for me.
32:22
Not just for, you know, my parents, like, they would tell
32:26
me, don't do these things for us, do it for yourself.
32:30
Yeah. That's when I began that
32:31
Journey. Once I had that realization yet
32:35
you spoke to something really important and I've done this
32:37
work too so I can speak to the power of it.
32:39
That inner child work is so important to go back to that
32:42
eight-year-old ten-year-old six year old self and hug her and
32:47
tell her how proud of you you that you are and that she's
32:51
doing great and that she can release the reins now because
32:54
you've got it. Like I've felt the power of
32:57
that. It is so healing, it is also
33:00
Really important if you're going to feel freedom and if you don't
33:04
understand what inner child work is, I'll put some links in the
33:07
resources. I have a therapist as well.
33:13
Yeah yeah can't say enough about therapy.
33:16
That I die work through but there's a so much power and that
33:19
and this is something you can do yourself to you can when you but
33:24
you have to be able to identify it.
33:25
I think it's really important to have to be able to pinpoint and
33:28
identify bit. I'm so glad you spoke That
33:30
because that's really, really important, part of the healing
33:33
process and in just in navigating that and realizing
33:37
the weight, you know, that it did it carries in and giving
33:40
that inner child, the release like we got this.
33:43
We're okay. Now, we've got good practices.
33:45
Where healthy? Thanks for your work.
33:48
You can you can rest. I've got you.
33:50
So I'm so glad you spoke to that.
33:53
All right, this is going to fit right in to what we were just
33:57
talking about accepting the layered aspects of ourselves.
34:00
Which you've kind of spoke to a little bit already, but all
34:03
those pieces, all those layers that we unpack that we peel back
34:09
and that make up, who we are, talk to me about your layers and
34:13
accepting those layers in it, and celebrating those layers.
34:16
Mmm, yet learning more about. Who I am, has been a journey
34:22
similar to the stories from the other guests that have been
34:25
featured on this podcast. Yeah, the Hispanic Latin X
34:29
identity is is very complex as we have learned as a collective
34:33
Society over the past couple of years were not a monolith.
34:36
So what resonates with one group might not resonate with another
34:40
in terms of values in our form of expression and when I was
34:45
discovering my own identity throughout my life, I felt
34:48
conflicts between various aspects of things of that
34:52
identified with. For example, I knew I was queer
34:55
since I was six my fluidity and gender expression and Action to,
35:01
you know, the same gender none of them was abnormal to me in
35:04
the slightest but even then as a child I knew that this part of
35:09
me was in Conflict, not not just with my Catholic identity
35:13
because my family was definitely more religious back then but
35:17
also in conflict with my Hispanic identity, a culture
35:20
that has historically oppressed the lgbtqia community and to be
35:25
honest I never felt comfortable coming out to my parents.
35:29
I actually never Have even to this day, okay?
35:32
Until I was about 11, I actually thought I was a lesbian, and
35:37
yeah, it this term queer. However, really appealed to me,
35:41
when I was in college, one of my favorite singers, who identifies
35:44
this way mentioned that, it really encapsulates her fluidity
35:48
in many ways not just really into her attraction to women and
35:52
I embraced it, especially once I graduated because some days I
35:56
definitely feel more masculine other days.
35:58
I feel very feminine and Literally my Expressions, as a
36:02
whole shift accordingly and that perspective has really made me
36:07
continue to accept and love myself because I understand
36:11
myself better and that has helped improve just the quality
36:15
and all the relationships that I've had with with everyone
36:20
around me whether it's personal professional and whatnot, you
36:23
know, just being able to say hey I'm a Latina queer person and
36:26
having the safety net to be able to express myself.
36:30
Off in that way, has been so relieving an amazing and I'm
36:34
glad that we've gone to this point in our society.
36:37
Yeah. And I think we've seen huge
36:40
leaps in that in the last five years it with all of the hard
36:43
stuff that's been the last 5 years, it's forced conversations
36:47
around gender. And and how, and how we respect
36:53
people in terms of who they are and how we're all beautiful.
36:58
And we were created this way. We were made to be this way and
37:02
so taking all the Judgment out of that and embracing that and
37:06
also feeling safe enough to say it because you're dealing with a
37:09
lot of complex you know environments and audience's that
37:12
you're dealing with their when you were a kid and you knew this
37:16
how was it? Did you have peace with it?
37:18
Or was it was it something that was in Conflict for you?
37:22
Because as a kid you don't have all those emotional tools and
37:25
you were all up so much was already being asked of you.
37:27
I just want to go hug, you know, six-year-old.
37:30
Paula and be like, oh my gosh hang in there kid you don't be
37:33
okay. Yes it's a girl really fast like
37:36
you mentioned before and I don't know what it was.
37:38
It just even as a kid when you have these inherent feelings,
37:42
right? Because some people think that,
37:44
you know, your generated anything having to do with your
37:48
identity is is create nurtured. You know, they call it the
37:51
environment having an impact on you.
37:53
I don't think that's true because if I knew since I was
37:56
six like that, I had these feelings of that identified this
37:59
way and even I was playing house, for example, with my best
38:02
friend at the time, I was always a dad and I didn't think about
38:05
gender roles. I was like, yeah, I'm gonna be
38:06
the dad and I love my wife and my kids, it wasn't weird to me
38:11
and I never judged myself for it and I thought, hey, like if I
38:15
feel this way then, you know, seeing other people that felt
38:19
that way too and identified that way, it just wasn't abnormal to
38:23
me. And I will say, especially being
38:25
Hispanic, we especially in Hispanic media because my
38:28
parents had subscription to Peruvian channels or channels
38:32
are in South America. They would Mock and, and save
38:36
very overly even racist depictions of of different
38:41
communities, and it's so normalized the jokes.
38:44
It's just a very offensive. So growing up, seeing that it
38:47
puts you down in a way. And you kind of feel like you
38:50
have to hide this big part of you.
38:51
I mean, I still feel like I have to hide that part of me to this
38:55
day and it takes a toll on your mental health.
38:59
I'll say, But if I could be open with, you know, the world at
39:03
least and and dress the way I want to dress just for my own
39:08
benefit you know, because I want to then that's that's all I
39:12
need. And yeah as a kid it's a lot to
39:15
process. I was very confused.
39:16
I thought okay, I just like women.
39:18
Yeah. But you know it's fluid you
39:22
change and I think college was a really great time for me to be
39:25
able to reflect on that and even post college with covid.
39:28
I mean, yes, a lot of negative things happen, but It gave me
39:30
that time to really dig deep and confirm things that I had
39:36
questioned before. And now this is me confirming
39:39
all of that I guess and putting it out there.
39:42
Well, I love that. And thank you so much for your
39:44
vulnerability and courage. Again, you just impress me all
39:47
the time and this is just another level of that.
39:49
But also Jew, you know, I think never underestimate in people
39:53
out there the micro aggressions you've got multiple levels of
39:57
microaggressions that you've got to walk out every day.
39:59
And the toll that that Takes on your emotional health, you've
40:03
got to have a really solid sense of self.
40:05
And I just, you know, I think my plea is, like, people just be
40:09
aware of how you're talking to people be respectful.
40:12
Stop for five seconds, and think.
40:14
Is there any way this is going to be hurtful?
40:17
And I think that's an area. We still have a lot of room to
40:22
improve in and throwing, but but, you know, but we're having
40:26
the conversations. But thank you so much for your
40:28
vulnerability and sharing. That okay, in summary and living
40:34
out feel finding impairment embracing layers, which I think
40:38
you've defined it beautifully today.
40:39
In this conversation, talk to me about how that affects you and
40:44
how you feel about yourself as well as affects your
40:46
relationships. Absolutely well reflecting on
40:51
these various aspects of who I am over.
40:56
Many years of my life, it has reminded me of the work that I
41:00
put in for all those years to really feel comfortable in my
41:03
own skin. And one of the beliefs is one of
41:07
my beliefs is that loving yourself.
41:09
Makes it easier to love someone else.
41:11
I know some people say oh you have to fully love yourself
41:14
before you love someone else but now I think it's a journey.
41:18
So Any relationship, your relationship with yourself is
41:21
dynamic, and requires constant attention.
41:24
And we all live with our own inner turmoil or demons as some
41:28
people would refer to it as so. No matter how much work we do or
41:32
how much we progress in life, there are days when you're going
41:35
to set back and when you embrace your layers, all of it, the
41:39
good, the morally questionable, whatever it is, you start to the
41:43
fancy knocking. He's deaf.
41:44
Exactly. Yeah, once you put in that work,
41:48
You start confirming your non-negotiables, what what?
41:51
You will not tolerate from other people.
41:52
And what you want, you see class of animal, you won't have as
41:56
many holes or gaps to fill within you because you can
41:59
easily let go of what does not serve you and you will be less
42:03
afraid of being alone because you'll find fulfillment from so
42:06
many other aspects in your life. You'll be nicer to yourself and
42:10
your inner child. You'll stop compromising.
42:13
And once you get to that point, you'll Truly find peace.
42:16
Because, as I said earlier, Your partner should bring you peace.
42:21
And finally, the people left in your circle, after considering
42:25
all of these factors are just going to be the best quality
42:28
people for you who will only bring you forward in your
42:32
journey. And I think over the past years
42:36
once I started you know constantly looking at my inner
42:39
circle taking away, you know people just constantly
42:42
reassessing that part of my life.
42:44
It has improved. My life in so many ways because
42:48
the people that I have right now are just the best people ever my
42:52
opinion. And, and they've seen me again
42:55
through many ups and downs in my life and they've still have been
42:59
loyal and, and yeah, I, we have a mutually beneficial thing
43:03
going on. So that's that's what I want
43:05
moving. I love that.
43:07
I love that. That's so anytime, it's so
43:10
exciting to hear. You have that.
43:11
I know I keep saying this at your age because, I mean so many
43:15
people. So many people, People, I know
43:17
this discovery doesn't happen right away.
43:20
This discovery happens through a lot of hard choices, hard
43:25
experiences decisions and you see people in their 30s 40s 50s.
43:30
I mean, I'm in my 50s now, but finding this about about
43:34
themselves and all the time they lost.
43:38
I mean, it's not lost. I mean, there's there's value in
43:40
it in the ever and most of the things we go through, although
43:44
sometimes shitty things just happening, there's good.
43:47
Check the value and nothing. But so, so it's so I've loved
43:51
that you found this now and can say this now, because one of the
43:54
things that we've started to identify to is, this is our
43:57
Island. This is who, and these are the
44:00
values that we withhold on our Island.
44:02
So we don't block people off of our Island, but we block certain
44:07
ways of if you are not going to act in this way of being
44:10
respectful, loving, you know, kind welcoming valuing all Means
44:16
you know those we have some we have three or four values that
44:19
my husband and I over the last couple of years is we've kind of
44:22
re-identified all that we are and what we believe.
44:27
So it's not you know it's you mention it, it's not.
44:30
It's a respect thing and I think you you have already done that
44:33
you're like Welcome to My Island.
44:35
If all of you that embody this welcome aboard.
44:38
If you don't own body in this that I respect that there's just
44:42
not going to be space for you on my Island.
44:44
Exactly. I love that.
44:47
Yeah, I think it's just it's just I wish that we had done
44:50
this so many years ago. So so kudos to you again for
44:55
getting on that because it's just is going to make your life
44:57
so much more. You're going to have contentment
45:00
think life is wild and it's going to throw you things.
45:02
But it's going to allow you to walk through it with contentment
45:05
and peace amongst the storm because you've established this.
45:07
You know, it, you've there's no wavering.
45:11
These this of this, these are my values.
45:12
This is my these are the non-negotiables.
45:15
I think that's a really important word.
45:16
And it's it, you have to have those non-negotiables or you're
45:20
just fluttering around and you're not you can't be firm.
45:22
You don't have a foundation if you don't have those
45:24
non-negotiable. So thanks so much for sharing
45:26
that. All right, we're down to our
45:29
rapid fire name. Five activities, that nourish
45:33
you boo. Okay, I'll say number one, going
45:39
to the gym. Number two, spending quality
45:42
time with my friends, and so that's one of my main love
45:45
languages. Three going to conferences and
45:49
networking events which is really just me getting out of my
45:52
comfort zone. Number for performing music, in
45:57
front of people, I honestly haven't performed music in such
46:01
a long time, but I've been yearning to do so.
46:04
So whenever opportunity comes up, I know that it's, so it's
46:07
such a good feeling. And number five is really
46:12
getting to know my family on her, on a deeper level, like
46:15
really learning more about them and learning about their inner
46:18
child, too, because I know that as my therapist said, the issues
46:23
that I've had with my family in the past, is really just It
46:29
involves, you know, all their inner child, they're their
46:32
background, the sacrifices they've made.
46:34
So I've been able to let go of, you know, the tension that we've
46:38
had with just the complexities of my upbringing and really try
46:43
to understand them and where they're coming from before
46:45
judging them for the decisions that they've made in the past
46:48
and that they continue to make now because you know, we grew up
46:52
in very different environments. So for me that's just very
46:54
fulfilling just asking about their childhood asking about
46:57
their Is because they love talking about themselves.
47:00
Are amazing people and and it's really fascinating to get to
47:04
know them better because my family were were bad asses and
47:10
we got some really good stories and things to say.
47:13
So as you know, like they're really why I am the way I am
47:16
too, so I love them and hopefully they're listening.
47:20
Well, that's amazing and their survivors.
47:22
You know, honestly you're all survivors.
47:24
And in what I love too, is that it your that ability to hold A
47:28
Nuance of emotions of recognizing.
47:30
This wasn't great and it put a lot of pressure on me, but I
47:33
also within their story, understand how we got here.
47:37
And so that can give me a different lens and a different
47:40
empathy. I'm not negating.
47:42
What happened and the Damage it did, and I'm dealing with that.
47:45
Now I've named it, I'm going to therapy, I'm doing those things
47:48
at the same time I can, you know, I want to know more
47:51
because some of these things too.
47:52
I think we can, we can best is how we break down generational
47:56
traumas. This is how we stop.
47:58
Patterns and start new patterns, and, and break into those
48:02
things. So that willingness to not be so
48:05
dualistic, in our feeling of things are not black and white.
48:08
There's a lot of gray out there and being able to embrace both
48:12
of both sides of that is so important name.
48:15
Five words on how you want to feel the next six months.
48:20
I want to feel hmm. I feel like because we're kind
48:24
of getting closer to the New Year.
48:25
This is super relevant, I've been thinking about it.
48:29
I definitely want to feel powerful, I think in my
48:34
description, I go by this motto that my mom told me of being
48:39
picking, yeah, April the Dosa, which in Spanish, it translates
48:42
to small because yes, I'm a very petite girl, as you know,
48:45
because you've seen a person. Yeah.
48:48
But at the same time I own that. I'm all I'm petite and you.
48:52
Not expect much for me when you see me in the room, but I am
48:55
powerful and I am going to assert myself to prove you
48:58
wrong. You know, that's, that's kind of
48:59
an ongoing thing. So I want to feel powerful.
49:03
I want to feel Motivated whether it's in the gym.
49:09
I just want to continue reaching my goals hitting new.
49:12
PR is constantly and, and surprising myself with just what
49:16
I'm physically capable of. Yeah, which I guess ties into
49:20
the first one really well under this woman.
49:23
I could tell you right now. Yes.
49:27
I mean I've been doing pretty good with weights and stuff so
49:29
I've been in present myself. So yeah, I just want to keep
49:32
doing that. I want to feel fulfilled.
49:36
With my relationships, whether you know, it's personal
49:39
professional, I think I've I've navigated a lot in terms of my
49:44
relationship, so I just want to continue to be fulfilled and
49:48
stick with my non-negotiables and my boundaries.
49:53
I think that's 34 I want to feel I don't know if this is the
50:00
right word knowledgeable, I just want to continue learning.
50:02
I mean, being a healthcare Communications, you work with
50:05
clients that work in different disease spaces and I'm a
50:08
learner. I'm a passionate learner.
50:10
So for me, it's really fascinating to be able to learn
50:13
about the treatment options that there are in clinical trials to
50:17
learn about patient. Populations learn about
50:19
disparities within different disease States.
50:21
So yeah, just continuing to be knowledgeable will definitely
50:25
help me benefit and grow in that sense.
50:27
Number five, I I want to be respected again, going back to
50:32
the boundaries and just continuing to love myself and
50:37
going back to my values. And number six, I guess I want
50:45
to be resilient even though I've overcome so many things in my
50:50
life so far. I know that there's so much more
50:52
to come. I mean, I was still very
50:54
relatively early in my career in my adulthood.
50:58
So I just want to Continue to be resilient and persevere as much
51:04
as I can. Regardless of what comes my way
51:06
because that's the only way I'll be powerful is just really how I
51:11
behave when I'm knocked down. You know, what I do when I'm
51:14
knocked down that is more of a testament to my character than
51:18
when things are going well. So, I'm kind of excited for
51:21
things to not go my way because I can continue to again, go back
51:24
to my values and reinforce reinforce what I, what I really
51:29
bring to the the table. Mmm, Paula, thank you so much.
51:33
This was as good and so much more than I expected to be.
51:36
I'm so honored that you took the time with me today.
51:40
It's been so great. Reconnecting with you feel
51:43
podcast audience. You're going to want to maybe,
51:46
come back and listen to this couple times.
51:48
Bring your notepad but you can find us on all the socials
51:52
Instagram, Facebook LinkedIn, Tick-Tock, maybe Twitter, we'll
51:59
see. Twitter's in a weird eye right
52:01
now, maybe Twitter, maybe.but Today, Twitter as well as
52:07
YouTube, we have our website, embracing layers.com where
52:13
you'll be able to find sources that Paula shares.
52:16
Were you able to learn more about her and her journey?
52:19
They'll be a Blog on this episode leading up to it and
52:23
you're not going to want to have and listen and share all of
52:26
this. Thank you so much for sharing
52:29
your time. I'm with us today.
52:30
Paula, I'm so thankful and podcast audience have a great
52:33
week.