Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 224. Trapped, broke and burnt out - is it me or is this unfair?

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224. Trapped, broke and burnt out - is it me or is this unfair? · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Apogie production a easier advice. Are you okay what happened?
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: Promise it won't be too much?
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Bring it in. Welcome to our Bestie segment.
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: This is the place for you.
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Welcome back to she Rises. This is our
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: bestie segment. If you're new here or welcome to the fam.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: If you've been here for a while, you know what
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: goes down today. This is where an anonymous submission has
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: been written in. We have no idea who's written in,
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: but it's a place where you can bring in all
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: of your sticky situations, your problems, anything that you want
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: an outside perspective on. But you want it in that nice, raw, honest,
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: bestie kind of vibe. So I would have you got today, Tana,
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: all right, let's take it away.
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: A lost woman. I am a mother to three beautiful children.
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: I work full time, and I am married. My husband
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: is constantly talking about finances, wanting to put extra money
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: we don't have onto the mortgage and trying to save
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: every I've recent into savings. It is now at the
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: point that I feel terrified to spend money. And the
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: kicker is I actually very rarely purchase anything for myself.
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: It's either food it bills, or it goes straight onto
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: things that the kids need. I went food shopping and
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: he checked the budgets straight after to quote unquote keep
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: on top of spending to make sure we are on track.
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: And I felt so upset, like I somehow did something wrong.
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: The thing is, I'm not stupid. I know we are
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: not super well off and need to work on saving,
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: but I also feel like there should be some breathing
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: room and just living for now is okay instead of
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: adding to the mortgage or house renovations is as life
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: is already so expensive. What frustrates me the most is
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: that some of the financial hardship isn't really on me.
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: I have kept my job, and while I don't earn
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: a huge amount compared to others, I studied for it
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: and have not left my job in eight years except
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: for maternity leave. I cannot earn more unless I take
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: on leadership roles, but with three children and the type
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: of workload, my capacity is already full. I do not
• 1:59
  Speaker 2: have the energy or strength to do so. My husband, however,
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: has changed jobs twice in the past seven years, and
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: both jobs have been pay cuts, with the last one
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: being a quite significant one because he quote unquote finally
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: got his dream job. I was supportive of this because
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: we only get one life and we should live it
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: happy and do the things we'd enjoy. I do feel
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: I do not get the same options for starters. I
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: have struggled with the fact that I have to work
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: full time and I did not get to be home
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: with my children. My youngest is one and a half
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: years old for context. This past year, I have struggled
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: mentally with it because my greatest role is being a
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: mum and I don't even get to do that. I
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: feel like I've missed out on a lot, and my
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: husband gets to be home with them more than I
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: do due to his new job routine. And secondly, I've
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: spoken for the last few years about leaving my job
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: as it is no longer giving me happiness, just a
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: lot of stress, and I mentioned going part time in
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: my current role. My husband always comes across as really supportive,
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: saying we just need to plan for it, and is
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: very encouraging for me to find my happiness. But as
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: soon as I do, there are a million reasons why
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: why I can't act on it yet, such as quote unquote,
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: our finances are too tight. We can't afford it now.
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: And when I mentioned going back to study again to
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: improve my pay and maybe study it dame different field
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: I'm interested in, I get met with. But banks don't
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: like student loans with buying a house or mortgages. And
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: do you really think you have time to study with
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: the kids. Just think it through. I literally feel like
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: I get nowhere. He always tells me, leaving a job
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: for a new one is a five year planned minimum,
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: so I have to start taking those steps now. But
• 3:22
  Speaker 2: what steps when I can't do anything? He tries to
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: tell me that this is what he did both times,
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: but I know that isn't entirely true. He just waited
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: for this job to open up and he took it.
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: He even said to me, I will be so devastated
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: and unhappy if I don't get this job, and I
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: promise you that is word for word. So I felt
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: I couldn't voice my concerns about the pay cup. When
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: I spoke to him about this and tried to share
• 3:42
  Speaker 2: how he's feeling, he became upset with me, saying it
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: was my perception that things are unfair. I feel so trapped,
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: and essentially I feel like I have been used so
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: he could build the life he wants, the dream job,
• 3:53
  Speaker 2: his hobbies, the expensive tools that come with it, the
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: house he so badly wanted to buy. It's all been
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: his dream. Any topic of conversation where how I feel
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: like how I am met with a lecture on how
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: he would do things or the way things should would
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: be that I just don't feel engaging in conversation anymore.
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: In the last few years, I've gained so much weight
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: and find it hard to take care of myself. I
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: feel so miserable, and no matter how many times I
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: try to voice my feelings, absolutely nothing changes. It is
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: also confusing because he is such a great dad and
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: it seems to really really care for me. So I
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: also feel like maybe it is my perception. After all,
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: I'm just a woman who could really do with some
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: advice on what I can do to find my path
• 4:30
  Speaker 2: in life. Again, Oh, that's a big one.
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: That's a really big one. I don't know. I just
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: hear that he's not really hearing you. And I know
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: you say he really cares for me. I don't doubt that.
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: But also part of caring for your partner is listening
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: to them. He's not really listening. Yeah, and it's like
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: kind of his way on the highway, or he kind
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: of I think he wants to sound like he's supportive
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: of you. When it comes down to crunch, it's actually like, yeah,
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: the highway, it's his decision. You're allowed to quit, you're
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: allowed to do this. But at the end of the day,
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: I don't know. I think you need to be a
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: little bit stronger than your boundaries and like, this is
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: what I want to do. Let's work out a timeline
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: and at this time I'm going to step down to
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: part time. It's important for me to be at home
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: with the kids. You won't get this time back. It's
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: one and a half now, she your child. They grew
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: up so quickly. I think there needs to be a
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: different plan in place. And it's not just up to him.
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: You've got every right to want what you want. Why
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: does it all have to be on his terms?
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I feel a little bit like there's a double
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: standard here. Same and also you already have double the
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: amount of workload that he does. Literally, so I would
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: be voicing that of like I'm feeling really stretched. I'm
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: feeling like I'm struggling to do what I want to do,
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: and that you also do have the responsibility of being
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: a mother and a caretaker and that predominantly being your
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: role as well as working on top of that. So yeah,
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: I don't know. I guess I just hearing all of that,
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: I would feel dismissed. Same, I would feel dismissed, and
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: I would feel like what I'm saying is not important
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: enough to listen to. But again, like what actually said,
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: Like it's voicing those boundaries and just being like, no,
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: this is what I want to do. Let's create a plan.
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's not just voicing them because it sounds like
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: she has, it's actually putting like a plan and a
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: date in path.
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: I see what I'm doing.
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: This is what I'm going to do. I've tried to
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: voice this to you before, and I know you want
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: to be supportive and you do encourage me, and I
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: appreciate that. However, this is the fourth time I've brought
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: it up and there's no plan in place. I'm telling
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: you I can't do this anymore. I'm depressed, I have
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: no time for myself, I'm missing my kids. I'm not
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: going to get this time back. So by June thirtieth,
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: I'm going to step down to part time. We need
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: to make some financial adjustments and put our priorities in place.
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: If that means no more innovations, not putting extra money
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: on the mortgage. We're going to make this work because
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: this is really important to me and I need to
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: support on this.
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: This isn't up for negotiation. I'm not asking if your
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: permission because you're not my dad. Yeah, you can work
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: it nicer than that, but I just want to I
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: want to be stern on now because it sounds like
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: you've tried to communicate and say, oh I need this,
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: I want this, and nothing's actually getting done. You're at
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: the point now, are you really resentful? It's affecting your health,
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: it's affecting your confidence, You're not happy. Something else needs
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: to change because if you keep doing what you're doing,
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: you get the same result. Yes, So I think there
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: needs to be like a step in authority of where
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: you're at. And it's not just.
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: Up to him, No, it's not. You're in a partnership
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: at the end of the day, exactly, it doesn't own you.
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: He's not a he's not any of those things. And
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: I think also you could bring up the fact of
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: like how supportive you have been with his decisions to
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: follow his dream and that you have allowed him the
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: freedom and supported his freedom within the relationship to do
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: what he wants to do because you only have one life,
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: like what you mentioned, and you want the same level
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: of freedom for yourself. Yes, And I think that's a
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: beautiful thing. And like what you said, like you're making
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: a plan around what the priorities are when it comes
• 7:29
  Speaker 2: to the investments and just managing the money better and
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: being like, Okay, we're just going to have to do
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: this for a little while.
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: So in three months time, I'm going to step down
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: a part time. That gives you three months to judgement finances,
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: to adjust the mortgage, like go have some renovation dreams,
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: to sell some tools on marketplace, whatever I need to do,
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: but like reevaluate everything so that you can step down
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: and have some more time with your kids. That's honestly,
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: this is the best the advice take of the grain
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: of salt. But if I was in your position, that's
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: what I'd be doing. I'm pretty like firm and strong
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: when I'm wanting something, when I'm needing something, and I
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: also respect Steve when he wants something or need something.
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: It's like, how do I make this work? This is
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: our situation. You want this, I want this?
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: What do we do? How do we make it work?
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: We're going to make it work.
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: It's got to be a.
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: Plan and place.
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: And also as well, you can do things and your
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: partner cannot be happy about it, so you can still
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: do it in a respectful way. Definitely, like at the
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: end of the day, like you have choice in what
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: you do and how you act. And also it's not
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: like you have bad intentions. It's not like you're trying
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: to do anything that's going to damage the family. You
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: just want to pour into yourself back and somebody who
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: does that will also respect you when you do that.
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: And so it's just making yourself a priority. And honestly,
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: like you have to advocate for yourself more than anybody
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: else will, because especially if your partner's not really hearing
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: you right now, there's nobody else who's going to be
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: able to explain do advocate for what you want in
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: your life and out of your life more than what
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: you can, because nobody else is going to take it
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: as seriously as you because they don't understand how you
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: feel inside your body day to day and if you're struggling,
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: no one can really see that, no one can really
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: feel that. Nobody knows what it feels like to live
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: in your head every single day, and the only person
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: who can help you is literally you. So I guess
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: the question is depending on you know, whether you have
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: boys or girls as children, Like what kind of role
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: model would you want to be for your children? You know,
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: would you want them to know that they're allowed to
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: make decisions and that they can choose themselves and they
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: can live a happy quality of life because they did
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: what they wanted to do, not what they felt like
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: they were forced to do.
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: In their opinion matters.
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: Also, the biggest killer in a relationship is resentment. There
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: is so much resentment in your message you've felt a
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: four years. It's not good for the relationship. Yeah, Like
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: you taking action is actually very beneficial to not only
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: your mental health and your life, but your relationship as well. Yeah,
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: because if you keep going, you need it to a
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: point where you look at him and you can't stand him,
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: that's going to kill everything and you're going to be
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: in a much worse position if you could let this
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: carry on.
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: I love it.
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: It's truth bomb, tough love advice. This is what I
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: know Tianna would say exactly the same to me if
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: she came to me and I was feeling like you
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: were feeling, and vice versa. Doing that Tiana's that's want
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: to do for you. Yeah, no sugar coating fluffy around here.
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: It's like, this is what you want, You're going to
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: go after it.
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: And for both of us as well, like both being
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: like Sagittarius and Gemini, like we both really value freedom.
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: We get it so so like especially in relationships and
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: also every other area when we feel restricted, we almost
• 10:10
  Speaker 2: like rebel against that because we're like, you're not going
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: to tell me what to do, And it's like supporting
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: that value of yours. Like of course, like you have
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: all these responsibilities, but the end of the day, you're
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: a human behind all your responsibilities. So how can we
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: support what you really want out of life and how
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: you want your life to look and feel so that
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: you don't feel like you need to run away from
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: your life? No, I don't want that.
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: Time goes so fast. Can you carry on like this
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: for the next five years? It's five years of your life,
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: that's your kid's childhood that you're responsible for, and you're
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: miserable throughout that. Our kids are not silly, they can
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: feel and see everything. Do this for yourself and do
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: it for your kids as well, and your relationship. You've
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: got this, you do. You've got the inner strength that's
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: just actually doing the thing now, having the hard conversation
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: and being strong on it and sticking it through.
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: Putting your foot down.
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: Put your foot down, put a date in place, make
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: a plan, and if you get shitty Sulks pulls away
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: for a little bit, let him, let him, let him,
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: let him. He'll be okay. He's not going to die.
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: Grand man, grown man, You're going to bring things in again.
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: You're going to express how makes you feel. And also
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: you can also ask him, what else are you wanting?
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: What was this something that you're feeling like missing out on?
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: How can we make both of it work. You've got
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: your dream job now, So happy for you. I can't
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: wait till I've got my dream job in my dream position.
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: What are you missing? Oh you want to play golf? Cool,
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: let's make that happen. I'm going to go do this
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: with my girlfriends. Yes, it's having those conversations and like
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: I was just thinking, like I want Steve to win,
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: I want me to win. I want both of us
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: to win and be happy because when that comes together,
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: it's beautiful.
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: And you know what, after you have that conversation potentially
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: about the golf and then you prioritizing yourself, if there's
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: a little bit of friction there where he's like, oh,
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: I don't really want you know, there's some friction around that,
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: then it goes okay, cool. Instead of us putting extra
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: money on the mortgage, let's get support, Yes, let's get
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: an extra set of hands. Who's going to give us
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: support for your children and you know, to really lean on,
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: even if it's one to two hours whatever it is,
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: so that you can then go okay, cool, we can
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: both now go take a minute to ourselves and then
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: come back together.
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: Sounds like she wants to be with her kids more.
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah, she does not get enough time with them, but
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: meaning like because she's saying like she hasn't been feeling
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: good in herself, have advertised herself. It's like every human,
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: no matter what's needed one hour or have a little
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: bit of time to themselves. So if that's something that
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: you're both wanting you could. That can also be an
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: option or.
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: The tag team. Yep, I go have my two hours,
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: you have your two hours. Yeah, it's always such a
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: good solution.
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: I hope that helps. Hope you can take one or
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: two things away from that. But you've got to advocate
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: yourself absolutely otherwise nothing's going to change, right. You deserve
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: to be happy you do. And I don't want the
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: time with your kids to be taken away from you
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: because they grow up so fast.
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: And like what you said to your partner, you only
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: get one life. Yeah, not every day is promised like
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: that is very if there's one thing that is certain,
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: nothing is certain exactly, you know, So it's like we
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: may be here for another day, another two, another two weeks,
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: another two months. No one really knows. So Yeah, the
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: best thing that you can do is think about the
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: life that you want to live and like actually make
• 12:51
  Speaker 2: it your mission to create that. That's all we've got.
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah, definitely. I hope you guys enjoyed this and maybe
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: you're in a similar situation and this gives you the
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: strength and the power to actually step up and advocate
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: for yourself. You've got this, girls can do it. We'll
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: see you next Monday. Bye bye Ka
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: MHM.