Latest / New Manager Conversations with Fexingo: First 90 Days, Managing Former Peers, and Leadership Basics / Handling a Direct Report Who Cries at Work
Transcript
- Lucas: So, Luna, you've seen this happen. You're in a one-on-one with a direct report, the conversation takes a turn — maybe it's about a missed deadline, maybe feedback on a presentation — and suddenly, there are tears. Luna: Oh, yeah. And my first instinct is to freeze. Like, do I hand them a tissue? Do I pretend I didn't notice? I remember one time I just kept talking, which was terrible. Lucas: That's actually a really common reaction. And I think a lot of new managers — and honestly, seasoned ones too — have no playbook for this. So today, let's build one. Because tears at work aren't rare, and how you handle that moment can define your relationship with that person for years. Luna: Where do we start? Lucas: Let's start with the most important thing: your own reaction. When someone cries, your brain goes into fight or flight. You want to fix it, or you want to escape. But the worst thing you can do is either panic and start reassuring them it's fine when it's not, or — the opposite — ignore it and plow ahead as if nothing happened. Luna: So what's the middle ground? Lucas: The middle ground is to acknowledge it, briefly and with empathy, and then give them the choice of whether to continue or take a pause. Something like, 'I can see this is emotional. Take your time. We can continue when you're ready, or we can pick this up later.' That's it. You don't need to fix the tears. You just need to humanize the moment. Luna: But what if they say they're fine and want to keep going? Do you push? Lucas: No, you respect their lead. But you also make a mental note to check in a little later in the conversation, or even the next day. Tears are often a sign of something deeper — stress, feeling overwhelmed, or a pattern of feedback that's hitting a sensitive spot. You want to get to the root, but not in that exact moment. Luna: And what about the practical stuff — like, do you document that they cried? Lucas: That's a great question, and the answer is nuanced. You don't write 'employee cried' in a performance note. That's not relevant and could be seen as punitive. But you should document the content of the conversation — the missed deadline, the feedback you gave, the commitments they made. If the emotional moment reveals a pattern — say, they cry every time you bring up a certain topic — that's worth noting in a broader context, but carefully. Luna: Okay, that makes sense. So what's the biggest mistake new managers make in these situations? Lucas: The biggest mistake is to immediately shift into problem-solving mode. You hear the tears and your instinct is to say, 'It's okay, we can fix this, here's what we'll do.' But that actually sends a message that their feelings aren't valid, and that you're uncomfortable with emotion. Instead, you want to sit with it for a moment. Let the silence breathe. Just being present is powerful. Luna: So you're saying, don't rush to fix it. But what if they're sobbing — like, can't breathe sobbing? Do you still just sit there? Lucas: If it's that intense, you might offer to pause the meeting, get them a glass of water, or ask if they'd like someone from HR to join. But even then, you don't need to be a therapist. Your job is to be a human and a manager, not a counselor. If it becomes a frequent thing, you might gently suggest employee assistance resources, but that's a conversation for later. Luna: I think a lot of us worry about saying the wrong thing. Like, is it ever okay to say 'I know how you feel'? Lucas: Ugh, that's a classic. I'd avoid it. You don't actually know how they feel. Even if you've been in a similar situation, you're not in their head. Better to say, 'I can see this is really tough for you,' or simply, 'I'm here to listen.' That's honest and doesn't presume. Luna: So what's the concrete framework you promised? Three steps, you said? Lucas: Right. Step one: acknowledge and pause. Step two: listen without fixing. Step three: agree on next steps together, and then check in later. The key is that step three isn't just about the work item — it's also about asking, 'How are you feeling about this now?' at the end of the conversation, or maybe a day later. Luna: Let's walk through a real scenario. Let's say a direct report, Sarah, misses a big deadline — the client is upset. You call her in for a one-on-one, you start giving feedback, and she starts tearing up. Lucas: Perfect example. So, the moment you see tears, you stop. You say something like, 'Sarah, I can see this is hard. Let's take a breath. This is a conversation about the deadline, not about you as a person.' That's acknowledging the emotion while clarifying the scope. Luna: And then? Lucas: Then you wait. You don't fill the silence. If she starts explaining, let her talk. Resist the urge to interrupt or defend the client's perspective. You're there to understand her side. After she's had a chance to speak, you can say, 'Okay, I hear you. Let's talk about what happened and what we can do differently.' Luna: And what if she says, 'I'm just so stressed, I've been working nights, and I still couldn't finish'? How do you handle that? Lucas: That's a moment to show empathy without letting her off the hook. You might say, 'That sounds exhausting. Thank you for sharing that. At the same time, we need to figure out how to avoid this situation going forward. What support do you need from me?' That balances care with accountability. Luna: That's a tricky balance. Any tips on how to not sound robotic or scripted? Lucas: Practice, honestly. And remember that your tone matters more than your words. If you're genuinely curious and not judgmental, it'll come through. Also, use their name — it personalizes the conversation. 'Sarah, I'm on your side here. Let's figure this out together.' Luna: Okay, so we've covered the in-the-moment response. But what about after the meeting? Should you send a follow-up email? Lucas: That's a good idea, but keep it short and focused on the work, not the emotion. Something like, 'Thanks for the conversation today. I appreciated your honesty about the deadline. As we discussed, let's circle back on Thursday to review the revised plan.' That acknowledges the conversation without making a big deal of the tears. Luna: And what if you're the one who feels like crying in a one-on-one with your own boss? That's a whole other thing. Lucas: Ha, that's true. But that's a topic for another episode. For today, we're focused on the manager's role when a direct report gets emotional. But I'll say this: if you feel tears coming, it's okay to say, 'I need a moment.' You don't have to explain yourself. Luna: That's a good point. I think we should also address the elephant in the room — gender. Are women more likely to cry at work, and does that change how you respond? Lucas: There's research that shows women do report crying at work more than men, but that's partly socialized behavior. The key is to not let your own biases affect your response. The same three-step framework applies regardless of gender. Don't assume a man who gets teary is 'weak' or a woman is 'too emotional.' That's just bad management. Luna: So, what's the one takeaway you want listeners to remember? Lucas: That tears are data, not a problem to be solved. They tell you that something matters to that person. Your job as a manager is to get curious about that, not to run from it. When you respond with empathy and structure, you build trust that pays off long after the tears dry. Luna: That's a great line. And I think a lot of our listeners are new managers who might face this in their first few months. What advice would you give them specifically? Lucas: Don't wait until it happens to think about it. Spend five minutes now imagining the scenario and mentally rehearsing your response. It sounds silly, but it works. When the moment comes, you'll be less likely to panic. And if you do freeze, it's okay. Just take a breath and say, 'Let me start over.' That's human. Luna: I think that's a perfect note to end on. But before we go, I want to mention something that's been on my mind. We've been doing this show for a while now, and it's ad-free, which is something we're proud of. That's only possible because of listeners who support us. Lucas: Yeah, it's true. Every episode takes research, writing, and editing, and we don't have a big corporate backer. So if you've gotten something out of these conversations — maybe a tip that helped you handle a tricky situation like the one we just talked about — and you want to keep it ad-free, you can support us at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. Luna: And even if you can't, sharing the show with a colleague who's about to become a manager helps just as much. Now, back to the topic — Lucas, you mentioned that tears can reveal a pattern. How can a manager track that without being creepy? Lucas: Good question. You don't need a spreadsheet labeled 'tear incidents.' Instead, you might notice in your regular notes that, say, every time you bring up project timelines, they get defensive or emotional. That's a signal to adjust your communication style. Maybe you need to give more lead time, or ask about their workload before diving into the deadline. Luna: So you're saying it's not just about managing the moment, but about adapting going forward. Lucas: Exactly. The tears are a symptom. The underlying issue could be stress, a skill gap, a workload imbalance, or even a conflict with a teammate. As a manager, you're a detective. You listen, you observe, and you try to identify the root cause. That's how you turn an emotional moment into a growth opportunity for both of you. Luna: That's a lot of pressure, though. What if you get it wrong? Lucas: You will get it wrong sometimes. That's part of being a manager. The good news is that if you've built trust by handling the initial moment with empathy, you can come back and say, 'I've been thinking about our conversation, and I might have missed something. Can we talk again?' That vulnerability actually strengthens the relationship. Luna: I love that. It's so easy to think we have to be perfect, but really, being a good manager is about being present and willing to learn. Lucas: And that's the note we'll leave on. If you're a new manager and you've had a tearful moment, you're not alone. It's part of the job. Handle it with grace, and you'll be fine. Thanks for listening.